3

PASSIONATE, CONFIDENT—AND OUT FOR CONTROL

How to Avoid Falling for a Gaslighter in the First Place

BEFORE YOU EVEN GET INVOLVED WITH A GASLIGHTER, THERE ARE usually a number of signs you can learn to spot. In fact, signs present in the early stages of dating gaslighters will often tell you everything you need to know about how sticking with them will be detrimental to your well-being.

A few things to know up front: For starters, gaslighters tend to live in larger cities. They need anonymity to succeed at their game. In a big city, it’s less likely that word of their bad behavior will get around. And the chances that you’ll run into one of their former partners, for example, will decrease as well. Of course, if you live in a city, you aren’t going to want to avoid all eligible prospects just because they live in your city, too, but it’s one piece of the puzzle that’s good to bear in mind.

“On our second date he talked about how great his former marriage was. I asked him why it ended. He told me it was none of my business. That should have been a clue.”

—Maggie, 27

For some of the same reasons—relative anonymity, unlikelihood that you’ll run into an ex—online dating has been a boon for gaslighters. There are other reasons, too, which we’ll look at in a moment. I’ll also list some first-date red flags and discuss how gaslighters target their victims, whom they see as easy prey, and how not to get romantically involved if your gut tells you something is off.

“I must be a magnet for manipulators. I guess I’m just too nice, and try to see the good in people. I refuse to get bitter about it. Then they’ve won.”

—Vanessa, 24

ONLINE DATING

Apps and websites have become our default mode for dating. We find it easier to meet a potential mate via the Internet rather than the old standbys of friends, bars, social gatherings, and work. It’s no surprise why. These days our digital devices are always in our hands. Plus, it’s efficient, and in some ways less frightening. You can get a feel for someone before you actually have to talk with the person or interact face to face. However, everything has side effects. The negative side of online dating is that it can make you an easier target for gaslighters (and other creeps).

It’s also no surprise that gaslighters like dating apps and websites so much. They can be whomever they want in their profile. They can tell you exactly what you want to hear. Via online dating, gaslighters have access to many people (potential victims) they otherwise wouldn’t have met, and they can easily spot clues of vulnerability in people’s profiles. Understanding these clues, which we usually give out so unwittingly, is a good first line of defense.

What Makes the Gaslighter Pick You?

Out of all the online dating profiles, what makes a gaslighter contact you? First, lest you think you’ve been singularly clueless or otherwise to blame, understand that you are rarely the only one. Especially because of the efficiencies of dating apps, gaslighters will usually have many potential targets.

As you learned in Chapter 1, scarcity is a tactic favored by gaslighters, and online dating makes the scarcity game very easy to play. You are chatting back and forth with someone and then—poof!—he disappears. You question what happened. You look up articles to try to figure out whether he is interested. You convince yourself that men are emotional rubber bands—the closer they get, the more they pull back. Just when you are about to give up, the gaslighter shows up again. He has invoked scarcity.

If you respond by playing it cool and acting as if nothing happened, you’ll usually pass the “test” and the gaslighter will continue to contact you. If you ask too many questions, such as “Why were you ignoring my messages?” the gaslighter will probably drop you like a hot potato, blame you, and even accuse you of being desperate.

This is because the gaslighter sensed from your response that you would be someone likely to hold him accountable for his behavior in the future, and he doesn’t want that! The way things start with someone is usually how they go from that point forward. If you meet someone who doesn’t even give an explanation for not contacting you before a first date, how do you think the rest of that relationship is going to work?

The best course of action when encountering someone who “ghosts” and reappears is to not respond and move on.

If your online profile indicates that you:

Have been single for a while

Have been married multiple times

Appear to have money

Say you see the best in everyone

Haven’t been treated well in the past

Think your ex was a terrible person

Want children right away

Never felt that you “fit in”

Like taking risks

Are naughty/bad/wild

.… you may as well have painted a bull’s-eye on your forehead. These are the very vulnerabilities gaslighters look for. Gaslighters will often rightly assume that if you allude to the things in this list, you are more likely both to get hooked on them and to be more tolerant of their bad behavior.

You may be thinking, but why would anybody put these things in their profile? Few people would—in so many words. But we often communicate plenty about ourselves without stating them directly. We say a lot by what we imply.

“I’m ready to be treated well.” = “I haven’t been treated well in the past.”

“I’m tired of wasting time.” = “I’m concerned I won’t meet the right person.”

“I see the best in everyone.” = “I may accept your lying to me.”

So, what should you put in your profile to make yourself more gaslighter-proof? It’s a tricky, fine line, but ultimately you want to show that you are active and happy. Gaslighters don’t like partners who are positive, upbeat, and independent. They prefer them to be needy, vulnerable, and wounded.

RED FLAGS ON YOUR FIRST DATE

One of the trickiest things about gaslighters is that they are great at hiding their true personality, until you are hooked in. According to Wendy Patrick, JD, PhD, in her article entitled “The Dangerous First Date” in the December 2017 issue of Psychology Today, malignant behaviors can masquerade as charming positives in the early stages of dating. For example, protective behavior morphs into possessiveness; comforting turns into controlling; assertive behavior turns into aggressive behavior; passionate behavior turns violent later on; a direct personality turns into rudeness; and confidence turns into condescension.

“I knew this date wasn’t going to work out, and my date said some things that really offended me. I told him this wasn’t going to work, and I was going to leave early. He banged his fist on the table and said I wasn’t going to leave yet. That was my cue to get out of there fast.”

—Sari, 35

“The first things he talked about on our date? His ex-wife and his mother—and not in a pleasant way, either.”

—Jessica, 30

Keep an eye out for these behaviors whenever you are on a date. For example, while it may feel comforting, as if you are being taken care of when your date orders your food for you (when you haven’t even told him what you want), this is actually a sign of a controlling personality. It feels good at first, but once things start getting real, your partner will be trying to control all your choices in the relationship.

Red flags on a first date with gaslighters include:

They tell you that you are the most beautiful/wonderful/amazing person they have ever met.

They talk about long-term commitment with you.

They talk about having children—not just in general, but with you.

They talk about themselves.… it’s almost as if you weren’t there.

They tell you they cheated in a previous relationship.

They tell you about their dysfunctional family history.

They don’t ask you any questions about your life.

They don’t want to talk about their family.

They order your food for you.

They don’t use basic manners.

They treat waitstaff rudely.

They talk about moving in with you.

They start holding hands or having other physical contact with you right away.

They invade your personal space.

They tell you their previous partner was a “bitch,” “asshole,” and the like.

They spend too much time talking about their previous relationships.

They tell you they have commitment issues, but that they could see committing to you.

They are vague about what they do for a living.

Their story doesn’t match up with what you read online.

Their stories aren’t consistent.

They talk about their houses and cars, yet they did not drive their car to your date.

They dress sloppily.

They wear clothing that denotes social status (wearing surgical scrubs to dinner, for example. A true surgeon would never do this).

They name-drop (tell you about well-known people with whom they are friends or colleagues) in a bid to impress you.

They say they have a well-paying job but ask you to pay for dinner (they will say they forgot their wallet, etc.).

They talk about travel in other countries that sounds fanciful or unrealistic. (They do this because it is harder to verify.)

They have excuses for why you couldn’t find information on them. (Their identity was stolen, etc.)

They have difficulty making eye contact.

They’re charming, but it appears not to be genuine.

They mention how they had a lot of options to choose from but picked you.

They will not leave when asked.

They prevent you from leaving.

Again, no one of these items on its own necessarily means you’re on a date with a gaslighter, but buyer beware. The signs are usually there.

The Lure of Narcissism

Sometimes gaslighting look an awful lot like narcissism. Narcissistic people tend to look good on paper. They seem too good to be true—because they are. They may be educated, powerful, attractive people—and they also happen to be dangerous manipulators. What appears as confidence, the likes of which you have never seen before, can be intoxicating, until you realize it’s part of a pattern—a selfish and endless need for validation.

A History of Cheating

Gaslighters are notorious for being unfaithful in relationships. If someone you are dating tells you she cheated in a previous relationship, pay attention to the red flag. According to a study in 2017 by Kayla Knopp and her colleagues, people who cheated in a previous relationship are three times more likely to report cheating in their current relationship than are people who were faithful in previous relationships.

If you’re having a “good date,” it can be tempting to think that your date just had a one-off cheating experience and it won’t impact you, or she may tell you she’s changed, but think again. Cheaters tend to cheat as a pattern of behavior. If you are cheated on, it will affect your future relationships as well. It will sow the seeds of doubt about your potential partner’s reliability, if nothing else. In fact, according to Ms. Knopp, people who reported that their previous partner had cheated were four times more likely to be suspicious of their current partner.

Gaslighters Push Alcohol on You

Gaslighters will often order alcohol for you without asking. If you don’t order alcohol yourself, gaslighters will cajole and even bully you into ordering a drink. They do this because drinking lowers our inhibitions—and raises the possibility that we’ll make poor choices.

It is best to abstain from drinking while on a date with someone new. However, if you do choose to drink, never leave your drink unattended. I’m sure you’ve heard about people slipping drugs into drinks, and this dramatically increases your chances of being assaulted. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn why gaslighters are particularly prone to committing assault.

Gaslighters Don’t Do Social Media

Because cheating is so common among gaslighters, avoiding social media is a way to avoid getting caught with someone—or somewhere they aren’t supposed to be. If you go on a date and a person tells you he doesn’t use Facebook, it could just be that he’s not into Facebook. But I suggest following up by asking why. Gaslighters will usually give you a vague answer. If they say, “I’m just not into it” or “I don’t have time,” take note.

Trust Your Intuition

Most of us get hunches or a “Spidey sense” that something is wrong, and very often these are right on target. If you feel that a situation or person is unsafe to be around, excuse yourself and leave. You don’t even have to excuse yourself. Gaslighters sense when people are on to them, and they will switch modes quickly into love-bombing. Gaslighters are masters of pouring it on in the nick of time, getting you to switch from thinking, “This person gives me bad vibes” to “Wow, I really like him.” So, get out while you can.

Override the Urge to Be Nice

We, and especially women, are taught from young ages to be caring and polite toward others. It can go against what you believe to stand up to someone and tell him to back off. Remember that the gaslighter does not care about you or your feelings. You are a thing, disposable, a means to an end. It is perfectly acceptable to stand up for yourself and risk being seen as “rude.” For example, if you are saying good night to your date at your car and he leans in too close to you, instead of enduring it or trying to wriggle away, say, “No. I need you to back up.” If he doesn’t move, say it even louder. Remember, with a gaslighter you cannot afford to be concerned with being rude, you have to be concerned with your personal safety.

GASLIGHTERS AND THE RISK OF VIOLENCE

In case you didn’t already have enough to worry about, the risks of violence with gaslighters is very real. They are more prone to getting violent because their frustration threshold is so low and they generally don’t have good coping skills. You should be prepared to protect yourself. As noted earlier, when you are on a first date with anyone, never leave your drink unattended—no matter what. Even if your date tells you there is no need to worry, or that you are being paranoid. If that means you need to take your drink to the bathroom with you, do it. Better yet, refrain from drinking, as we’ve already discussed. A gaslighter will pressure you to drink so as to make you more vulnerable. A good person will never pressure you to drink.

If your date is pressuring you to drink, he may well be setting you up for assault or rape. I don’t have any specific data to support the connection between gaslighting and rape, but since rape is a crime of power and violence, we’re wise to include it in this list of cautions.

For information on sexual assault, see Chapter 5 and the Resources section at the end of this book.

WARNING SIGNS IN THE EARLY PHASES OF DATING

So, you’ve moved beyond the first date and you’ve begun seeing each other. Here, too, there will usually be all sorts of warning signs. Pay attention to them.

Stay clear if:

Your family tells you that they think something is “off” with your partner.

Your partner tells you your family is trying to tear the two of you apart.

Your partner says you have no right to voice concerns about his or her kids or other family members. For example, you see your partner’s kid hit another kid. You tell your partner you are concerned about his kid’s behavior. Your partner tells you that everything is fine and that you didn’t see anything of the sort.

His children and other family members have poor boundaries.

He overshares or is “enmeshed” with his children and other family members.

Your partner says he is interested in the same things you are, but when you do those activities together, he is continuously disinterested and bored.

You are always paying for activities. If you ask your partner to pay, he guilts you into paying. Again.

Your partner keeps some areas of his life completely separate from you, such as his friends and his phone.

It doesn’t matter if your relationship is good 90 percent of the time; if the remaining 10 percent consists of lies and inconsistencies, you need to leave the relationship. Relationships like these only get worse. That 10 percent becomes 20 percent, then 30 percent, and so on. Lies and inconsistencies many times lead to emotional and physical abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2017), 10 million people a year are victims of domestic violence. If you are being lied to even just a small part of the time, it’s time to look elsewhere.

Quick to Intensity, Slow to Insanity

Wouldn’t it be helpful if people could wear big signs stating their pathology when we first meet them? Of course, we don’t have this luxury! Also, gaslighters are very good at acting “normal.” They make sure you are reeled in before welcoming you into their inner sanctum of insanity. Even mental health professionals have been lured into relationships with gaslighters. They will act so “normal” that even a professional can’t always tell who they really are underneath. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t signs to watch for, as we’ve seen.

The gaslighter will tend to ramp up the intensity really quickly, while keeping the insanity at bay until you upset him. And then watch out. Upsetting him could be a result of your standing up for yourself, stating something was upsetting to you, or not following some unwritten rule that you didn’t know you had to follow. Suddenly, you’ve gone from queen to crap. The gaslighter sets things up so that you are always going to fall off the pedestal he places you on. By idealizing and then devaluing you, he keeps you off-kilter. This causes you to feel a sense of instability—and that makes you psychologically more dependent on him, which is exactly where he wants you to be.

He was the classic ‘looks good on paper.’ Smart, educated, funny. It wasn’t until six months in that I really saw his dark, possessive side.”

—Jessie, 28

INFATUATION VERSUS LOVE

As we saw in Chapter 2, gaslighters love to “love-bomb” in the beginning of a relationship. They put you up on a pedestal. They shower you with attention. Keep in mind that gaslighters try to get you to fall for an idea of who they are, not their actual person. The real person is behind a mask. Gaslighters know how to act like a “regular” person to get you ensnared.

You may feel an instant sense of “love” for this person. But no one falls in love that quickly. What you are probably feeling is infatuation. You’re on cloud nine, your heart races when you see the person, and you want to get naked every time you are in proximity. It feels amazing! But infatuation is also tenuous. There is no real sense of permanency. You feel insecure. You feel as if you may lose this person. You feel jealous when she is going out with her friends. You want to spend all your time with this person, and being apart from her causes you distress.

Love is a deeper feeling. Sometimes people experience infatuation in the beginning of their relationship, and it fades within about six months to two years. This is when things start getting real. Some relationships end at this point because things just aren’t exciting enough once the butterflies and excitement wear off. This is also when you might start seeing a gaslighter’s true self. In a healthy relationship, the early stages are exciting, but there is also a sense of calm and connection. The physical connection is great, and the emotional connection makes the physical even better. When you love someone, you enjoy being with her, and are also good with having your own interests and some alone time. In a healthy relationship, your partner is okay with you going out with your friends—in fact, a healthy partner encourages you to go out, and makes a point to get to know your friends.

Keep in mind the difference between infatuation and love when you are dating. Tell your brain to slow down a little so you can think more rationally about who you’re “falling in love” with. With gaslighters, things usually don’t go from infatuation to love, they go from infatuation to misery. While I don’t want to take all the fun out of infatuation, it’s so important not to mistake it for love—and to be on the lookout for the signs of gaslighting and manipulation.

SWINDLING AND CONNING

Beyond control, gaslighters often have other motives and objectives. Some gaslighters’ main objective is to con you out of money, cars, and property. They specifically target people in online dating sites because they are seen as “easy marks.” These gaslighters tend to target older and wealthier men and women. What starts out as “I forgot my wallet at home” on a date turns into you signing over your possessions and other assets to him.

“He told me he was a doctor. It turns out he was a drug addict who hid it very well. He started asking me for money and tried to forge my name on prescriptions.”

—Jane, 68

Case Study: John Meehan (based on reporting by the Los Angeles Times 10/1/17–10/8/17)

The story of John Meehan is one that seems like a made-for-TV movie, but it really happened, as was reported in a series in the Los Angeles Times and in a podcast by Christopher Goffard (2017). Meehan was a man whose life revolved around conning people, specifically women. He consistently lied to women, stating that he was, among other things, an anesthesiologist who had volunteered in Iraq with Doctors Without Borders. John forbade his first wife from contacting his family. When she went against his wishes, he exploded with anger. His wife had discovered that John was not who he claimed to be. John threatened her repeatedly, bragging about his mob ties. In 2014, he found Debra Newell, a successful business owner, on an online dating site. John also told Debra he was an anesthesiologist who had spent time in Iraq with Doctors Without Borders. He pushed quickly for them to get married, tying the knot just months after they started dating.

Debra’s family were the ones who uncovered John’s lies. He was a nurse who had lost his nursing license and served prison time for possession of narcotics. Confronted by these lies, John lashed out. Debra left him. John then begged for forgiveness, telling her it was a misunderstanding, and her family didn’t want her to find love and be happy. She went back to him. When she left a second time, John threatened her and her family. He told Debra that she had taken money from him, when in fact she had given him money. He sent nude photos of her to her family. Finally, he stalked and then attacked Debra’s daughter, Terra, stabbing her repeatedly. She grabbed his knife and stabbed him in self-defense. Terra survived; John died of his wounds.

Why would a successful woman like Debra fall prey to a con artist like John Meehan? Wouldn’t she have picked up on the signs that John was gaslighting her? Not necessarily. Gaslighters are very, very good at acting like regular people. They almost “overdo” the acting normal bit, and seem too good to be true. John knew what a successful woman like Debra would want—a stable, “together,” cultured person. And John knew how to deliver with the lies.

Add the fact that Debra’s sister had been shot and killed by her husband, and Debra’s mother testified for her daughter’s killer—which led to him getting a lighter sentence. What did this model for Debra? That men are in the right, no matter the degree of their heinous behavior? Sadly, it would seem so. Your family history has quite a bit to do with whether you are prey to a gaslighter. You’ll learn more about families and gaslighting in Chapter 6.

PROTECTING YOURSELF

As you’ve seen so far, we need to be on alert while out on a date or searching online for one. Never let down your guard. Know that there are gaslighters out there whose main objective is to find prey. Follow these tips to protect yourself:

“From now on I’m doing a background check on my dates. A friend told me I was being dramatic, but I’d really like to know ahead of time if he has a history of domestic violence or any other violent behavior.”

—June, 27

If you are considering online dating, choose a paid site or app rather than a free one. Gaslighters can be notoriously cheap, so using a paid site may narrow your chances of connecting with one.

Have your friends review your online dating profile and photo before you post them. Ask your most cautious friends to do this, as they are more likely to point out anything that might signal that you’re red meat for the hungry gaslighter.

Try meeting people in face-to-face get-togethers instead of online or, once you do meet online and start chatting, arrange a face-to-face meeting so you can be a better judge.

Date people who have been recommended to you by your friends. It’s even better if your friend has known the person for a considerable amount of time—since childhood, for example.

Do a background check before making another date. See the Resources section at the end of this book for suitable services.

Google the person before you go out with him. If there are any inconsistencies between the information you see online and what the person has told you in his profile or from chatting with him, simply stop all communication. That’s a big red flag.

Before you go out on a date, arrange with friends to have an SOS message you can send to them, so that they can then call you and say there is an emergency and you need to leave. Do not accept the gaslighter’s offer to drive you.

Do not get in the gaslighter’s car. Part of a gaslighter’s MO (standard mode of operating) is to get you on their territory and isolate you. Once you are removed from your original location, your chances of being assaulted or killed increase dramatically.

Do not bring the gaslighter back to your home, or go to his, on the first date.

Do not exchange any racy photos before meeting this person.

Arrange to meet in a public location.

If something seems off in your online communication with a date, cease talking with him. While “ghosting” or just disappearing on someone is not recommended in healthy dating relationships, you must “ghost” a gaslighter. To continue contact, even to say “We’re not a good fit,” makes you more likely to be manipulated by him.

If you need to end contact with the person, block all phone numbers, e-mails, and profiles associated with him.

Report the person to the online dating site if he has violated any of the terms of the site, such as harassment, slurs, or stalking.

Contact law enforcement if you have been threatened, harassed, or stalked—online or in “real life.” Seek a restraining order from the court. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on restraining orders.

Do not post warnings about a gaslighter on websites. The gaslighter can easily trace these posts back to you.

Trust your gut. Even if your friends tell you what a great person he or she is, but you still feel uneasy about it, do not go out with the person again.

“He told me he was a surgeon. But there was no record of him in the state health department license lookup. He told me that he had just moved to the state so his license wouldn’t show up yet. He teased me about being ‘paranoid’ and ‘watching too many cop shows.’ It turns out he wasn’t a doctor at all.”

—Janis, 55

MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER

It may not sound very exciting, but when it comes to dating, it’s always best to make choices with our head instead of our heart. When we are infatuated with someone, we tend to look past warning signs. Our brain goes into a temporary state of insanity. We lose reason. “Oh, you’re an ax murderer? I can totally work with that.” To prepare yourself to make a healthy choice, try this exercise. Sit down and make a list of the qualities of your ideal partner. Get as specific as possible. Items you may want to include:

Likes dogs/cats

Family gets along

Listens

Wants to work out conflict

Exercises regularly

Has a stable job

Speaks respectfully to me and others

Focus on positive attributes. Instead of “doesn’t call people names,” try using “speaks respectfully to people” instead. This helps you focus more on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

When you have met someone that you think is just the best thing ever, take a look at your list. How many of your desired qualities does this person have? Looking at this list helps you use your brain to make a wise dating decision, when your heart wants to go solely on emotions.

TRUST THE SIGNS, USE THOSE SMARTS!

I trust that this has all been helpful. Dating in general is fraught with risk because gaslighters can be so clever, so charming, and so seemingly “normal.” And online dating can make you easy prey for gaslighters. But now you know the red flags. You’ve got some new tools to protect yourself in the dating world. If I had to pick one piece of advice on dating, it’s this: trust the signs. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

NOW, LET’S TURN to another arena where gaslighters often do their best work: the workplace. We’ll look at how to work with people who don’t have your best interests in mind, how to report gaslighting behavior in the most effective ways, and how to find the laws of your state that can protect you from harassment and other forms of gaslighting in your workplace.