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IS IT ME, OR IS IT YOU MAKING ME THINK IT’S ME?

Portrait of a Gaslighter

GASLIGHTERS HAVE A NUMBER OF CHARACTERISTICS THAT ARE IMPORTANT to know. The list you’ll encounter in this chapter may seem long or overbroad. My purpose in breaking out this list is not to create a clinical definition so much as to draw a better picture of what gaslighting is, how it operates, and how you can spot it.

You may find yourself thinking, “Well, that could describe the dynamics between my sister and me sometimes, and she’s not a gaslighter.” What we’re looking at here are patterns. When enough of these qualities are present and persistent in a person, chances are you are dealing with a gaslighter.

So, let’s begin to paint our portrait.

Their Apologies Are Always Conditional

One of the first things people often notice about gaslighters is that they are masters of the “conditional apology.” You know, when someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology; the other person is not taking responsibility for his behavior, he’s simply manipulating you into feeling seen by acknowledging your feelings. Gaslighters will only apologize if they are trying to get something out of you. Even if they do give you an apology, if you listen carefully, you’ll see that it’s really a nonapology, and they’ll usually only give it because you asked for one or because they were forced by a judge or mediator to do so.

“I was hit with, ‘I’m sorry I cheated, but if you were a better wife I wouldn’t have looked for affection elsewhere.’”

—Toni, 56

They Use Triangulation and Splitting

Gaslighters have a whole bag of tricks for manipulating people, but two of their favorites are triangulation and splitting, because driving a wedge between you and other people serves their need to dominate and control. Let’s look at these two tactics. Gaslighters triangulate and split for the following reasons:

“My coworker told me that my gaslighting boss said he was letting me go. Gee, it would have been nice if my boss had told me himself.”

—James, 35

image To pit people against each other

image To get people to align with them

image To avoid direct confrontation

image To avoid responsibility for their actions

image To smear your character

image To spread lies

image To create chaos

Triangulation

Triangulation is the psychological term for communicating with someone through other people. Instead of directly speaking to someone, gaslighters will go to a mutual friend, another coworker, a sibling, or another parent to get a message across. Triangulation behavior ranges from implied communication—“I really wish Sally would stop calling me,” hoping the receiver will pass this message along to Sally, to blatant statements, such as “Please tell Sally to stop calling me.” Both are manipulative and indirect.

“My husband told me my mother-in-law wanted to tell me she didn’t agree with how I parented my child. I told him she could come talk to me herself, and I refused to talk about it with him any further. This is part of a pattern of manipulation from her.”

—Joanie, 30

Splitting

Gaslighters also love to pit people against each other. This is known as splitting. It gives them a sense of power and control. An example of splitting would be lying to a one friend about another, saying that a mutual friend had said something unflattering about them.

Gaslighters are the ultimate agitators and instigators. They get a power blast from getting people riled up and fighting with each other. The gaslighters will then watch comfortably from the sidelines, the very fight that they caused.

Follow this simple rule: Unless a person says something to you directly, assume that what you are told was said about you by that person is not true.

Gaslighters know that splitting and triangulating will draw you closer to them—and distance you from the person they are pitting you against.

“My ex told me my son said to him that I needed to back off, and that he promised my son he wouldn’t say anything. I called my son and asked him if he was having any concerns, and if there was something he wanted to talk about. He said no, he was fine, and we chatted for a bit. I knew what would happen if I had talked ‘through’ my ex—total chaos.”

—Maggie, 55

They Use Blatant Attempts to Curry Favor

Gaslighters are also masters at buttering people up. They will use false flattery to get what they want from you. As soon as you fulfill their needs, they’ll drop their mask of niceness. Trust your gut. If the friendliness seems forced or phony, beware.

They Expect Special Treatment

Gaslighters feel that standard societal rules, such as politeness, respect, and patience, don’t apply to them—they are above these rules. For example, a gaslighter will expect his partner to be home precisely at a certain time and have dinner on the table when he gets home. If the partner doesn’t fulfill this obligation, the gaslighter becomes irrationally angry and retaliates.

They Mistreat People Who Have Less Power

You can tell a lot about people by how they treat a person who has less power than they do. For example, look at how someone treats waitstaff at a restaurant. Does she bark her order at the server, or does she order politely? What happens when a dish comes out and it is not what the diner requested? Does she assertively but politely ask for a correction, or does she make a scene and yell at the server? Demeaning the server can be a symptom of gaslighting.

“My ex-boyfriend would tease my little brother, but not in a buddy-buddy kind of way. It was more ‘I’m going to figure out your weak spots and expose them.’”

—Heidi, 29

Another indication of gaslighting is how people behave toward or discuss children and animals. There is a difference between being indifferent to children or animals and treating them with disdain. Gaslighters may tease and pick on people or creatures perceived as “lesser.”

You may also find that gaslighters have issues with road rage. They see someone cutting them off or not using a turn signal as a personal affront. They are ready to get even and correct this “wrong” that has been done to them. This behavior puts other drivers and the gaslighters’ other passengers in danger.

“At dinner with my ex-girlfriend, she screamed at the server when he brought out the wrong meal.”

—Daniel, 28

They Use Your Weaknesses Against You

Many times, you’ll begin a relationship with a gaslighter feeling very safe, so you do what any trusting human in what she thinks is a healthy relationship would do—you share your intimate thoughts and feelings with the person. This is normal, natural, a healthy part of developing a close relationship. However, notice that the gaslighter rarely reveals as much intimate information about himself. Meanwhile, the information you share will soon be getting used against you in fights—it becomes psychological ammunition. For instance, a confidence you shared with the gaslighter about your conflicted relationship with your sister is now thrown back at you as, “No wonder we are arguing. Your sister can’t stand you, either. You treat her the same way you treat me.”

“When he saw me crying during an argument, he took it as a chance to pounce on me. He saw a weakness like animals see fresh blood.”

—Dominique, 30

They Compare You to Others

Gaslighters also use comparison as a way of driving a wedge between people, thus gaining control. Parents who gaslight frequently compare their children to each other—and in unrealistic and blatant ways. The gaslighting parent usually has a “golden child” and a “scapegoat child.” The former can do no wrong, whereas the latter can do no right. This pits siblings against each other, and these feelings of competition commonly extend into adulthood.

Your boss may say, “Why can’t you produce like Jane? She comes in at eight every morning. If she can do it, so can you.” You may always be on the losing end of a comparison, except if it is to denigrate your “competition.” That is, gaslighters may sing your praises to others if their goal is to make those others look bad. Perfection is unattainable, no matter how hard you try to meet the gaslighter’s unreasonable expectations.

They Are Obsessed with Their Accomplishments

Gaslighters often will boast about the things they have accomplished, such as how they got an employee-of-the-month award at work. Never mind that it was fifteen years ago! They will badger you when you don’t react with enthusiasm and praise when they tell you once again about the time that they “dropped the mic” on someone. Gaslighters put an extreme amount of importance on their own accomplishments, however delusional these accomplishments and attributes may be.

“When my girlfriend and I get into a fight, she constantly reminds me of how she was class valedictorian and that somehow makes her smarter than me. Hello, that was almost 20 years ago, and you had, like, 15 people in your graduating class.”

—Victor, 37

They Prefer to Associate with People Who Fawn Over Them

Friends who would confront gaslighters about their behavior have no place in the gaslighters’ life. Gaslighters will associate only with people who put them up on a pedestal, the way they feel they deserve to be treated. The second gaslighters feel that you no longer admire and cater to them, they will drop you.

They Put You in a Double Bind

Double binds are situations in which you are forced to choose between two undesirable options, or you are given conflicting messages. For instance, your gaslighting spouse tells you that you need to lose weight, then serves various desserts that night at dinner. You are in a no-win situation. Gaslighters like to place people in emotional dilemmas—your uncertainty is a sign to them that they have control over you.

They Are Obsessed with Their Image

How dare you make gaslighters look bad! They will pay you back. Gaslighters are obsessed with how they look to others. They tend to spend a large amount of money on grooming products and a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirror. They may get upset when you touch their hair or use one of their grooming products. Perfection is their goal—and it is impossible to obtain. Some gaslighters will even forgo necessities to pay for cosmetic surgery and other appearance-enhancing procedures.

They Are Obsessed with Your Image

Not only can gaslighters be overly obsessed with how they look, they can also be very particular about how you look. Body weight tends to especially be a target for gaslighters. They will ridicule their partners about their weight and clothing choices. Gaslighters will buy outfits for their partners that they deem acceptable. The underlying message: you are not good enough.

They Con People

Everything is a game to gaslighters—and conning is an essential part of the game.

Gaslighters want to see how much they can swindle you, emotionally or financially. Gaslighters are also are not as smart as they think—they will openly brag about their cons. This is one thing that often leads to their downfall.

“My brother said he needed to borrow a thousand dollars for rent because he had hit a rough patch. He cried about how his life had fallen apart. I scraped the money together for him. I found out later he blew it all gambling.”

—Shawna, 35

They Cause Fear in Others

Family and friends of a gaslighter may defend the gaslighter against people that have the audacity to call him out on his behavior, or may themselves avoid confronting the gaslighter. This occurs for two main reasons: (1) The friends and family have become accustomed to the gaslighter’s behavior and consider it to be normal; and (2) they are protecting themselves from looking disloyal to the gaslighter. This is especially common in the children of gaslighters. You will learn more about parentification of gaslighters’ children in Chapter 5. When family and friends experience the retaliation of the gaslighter, they learn to fear him and avoid confronting him at all costs.

“I was with my class on a field trip, and one of the parent chaperones started yelling at a kid because he bumped into her. He was in sixth grade and having fun with his friends—it wasn’t a personal slight. The chaperone’s son, also a sixth grader, told the boy, ‘Now you’ve made her mad.’”

—Alex, 30

They Have a Bad Temper

Because gaslighters feel they are “owed” loyalty by others and because they have a fragile ego, any behavior is taken personally by gaslighters—with disastrous consequences to victims. Gun violence is a concern with gaslighters due to their hot tempers. In the United States, 8.9 percent of the population have both impulsive angry behavior and own firearms (Swanson et al. 2015).

“He told my daughter she was worthless and she would be lucky to find someone stupid enough to marry her. What did she do to get him so angry? She told him to stop yelling at her.”

—Nora, 45

Gaslighters at first will try to quietly display this anger, as to keep up their facade of perfection. However, they can only keep up this fake display for so long. The first time you see the gaslighter drop that mask, it can be quite startling.

Punishment Doesn’t Affect Them

People with Cluster B personality disorders, those higher in gaslighting behaviors, tend to have a different neuron-firing pattern than do other people when disciplined or punished. They also don’t value rewards in the way other people do (Gregory et al. 2015). This means that punishment and rewards tend to have less of an effect, which results in gaslighters’ being more likely to “do their own thing” without concern about reactions from others.

They Practice “Cognitive Empathy”

Gaslighters may seem to understand how you feel, but take a closer look and you’ll notice a robotic quality to their expressions of empathy. Their reactions seem flat or prerecorded—there is no real emotion behind their words. Gaslighters are experts at using “cognitive empathy”—acting as if they have empathy without actually feeling it.

They Refuse Personal Responsibility

It is always someone else’s fault. This is the gaslighters’ mantra. As noted earlier, personality disorders have a feature called ego-syntonic behavior. This means that people with a personality disorder feel that they are normal and everyone else is crazy. They feel their behavior is perfectly acceptable and meets the needs of their ego. This is one of the reasons that people with personality disorders are so difficult to treat—they don’t think anything is wrong with them or their behavior.

“I was seeing a family for therapy, and the mother no longer wanted to attend sessions—she just wanted to have her kid come in so I could ‘fix him.’ But she was more than willing to call me at all hours telling me how horrible her son was. When I told her that attending her son’s sessions was a condition of therapy, she said I was a terrible therapist.”

—Jason, 50

They Wear You Down over Time

Gaslighters bank on the idea that, with enough time, they can weaken your spirit. They also expect that if they gradually ramp up their manipulative behavior, you will be the proverbial frog in the frying pan. And so, they will increase the heat so slowly that you don’t realize you’re being psychologically burned alive. In the beginning of your relationship with a gaslighter, things may be pretty good—in fact, they are too good to be true. The gaslighter still even compliments you from time to time. Then, the criticisms creep in. The reason for this flip-flop between contempt and praise? Gaslighters know confusion weakens the psyche. With uncertainty comes vulnerability. Toward the end, you are believing blatant lies that you never would have accepted at the beginning of your relationship.

They Habitually Lie

If gaslighters are caught with the proverbial “hand in the cookie jar,” they will look you right in the eye and tell you they did no such thing. It makes you question your sanity—Maybe I didn’t see them do that after all. This is what they want—for you to become more dependent on their version of reality. They may even push things further along by telling you that you are losing your mind. What gaslighters say is virtually meaningless; they are habitual liars. For this reason, you always want to pay attention to what gaslighters do, not what they say.

“My ex told me that I never saw any inappropriate texts on his phone. He actually said he thought I was losing my mind. I started to think maybe he was right.”

—Audra, 29

They Are Terrible Teasers

Gaslighters are terrible teasers. At first, it’s small things said when the two of you are alone, such as how your hair looks, or your accent. It then ramps up to their teasing you in front of your friends. When you say that their comments or mimicry bothers you, they tell you that you are being too sensitive. This is different than just regular sibling teasing or joking around with friends. With gaslighters, it is a perpetual teasing, it has a mean quality to it, and most important, your requests for it to stop go unheeded.

“My brother always calls me a loser. A few times, fine. But then he did it in front of girls I was interested in, and his voice would get really mean-sounding. I told him it wasn’t cool to do that, and he just blew it off, like, ‘Deal with it.’”

—Javier, 25

Their Compliments Aren’t Really

The gaslighter is a pro at giving out “complisults,” a portmanteau of compliment and insult. There is no such thing as a true compliment with a gaslighter (or narcissist). It is always backhanded or passive-aggressive (see here).

“He said that the dinner I cooked was really good.… and that he was glad he finally taught me how to cook. I went from feeling good to feeling terrible in a couple of seconds.”

—Mila, 23

They Project Their Emotions

Gaslighters may have such a poor sense of their own emotions or actions that they have no idea they are projecting their behavior onto someone else. For example, a gaslighter will say you need a drug test, when he, himself, is the one who is using.

They Isolate You

Gaslighters tend to tell you that your friends and family are bad influences on you, or that you don’t seem happy when you are around those you actually care about. They may also refuse to go to family events with you because “Your family makes me uncomfortable” or some other vague, substance-less excuse. Such a gaslighter is banking on the idea that instead of having to explain to your family why you are attending holiday events without him, you’ll end up spending the occasion alone with him. The more the gaslighter succeeds at isolating you, the more susceptible you are to his control.

They Use “Flying Monkeys”

Gaslighters will try to send messages to you through other people—especially when you take the courageous step to cut off contact. These people are sometimes unwittingly carrying a gaslighter’s messages. You will learn more about flying monkeys in Chapter 2.

They Tell Others That You Are Crazy

Gaslighters will drive wedges between you and other people in all sorts of clever ways. After you leave a job with a gaslighting boss, for instance, your colleagues might tell you that they wondered what was going on, because the boss told them to “tread lightly around that one.” There is no more effective way to discredit you than to tell people that you are crazy. You are now seen as fragile and unstable.

They Don’t Keep Promises

For gaslighters, promises are made to be broken. If gaslighters promise you anything, assume that it is an empty promise. If a gaslighter happens to be your employer, get those promises in writing. You’ll learn more about gaslighting in the workplace in Chapter 4.

“My ex-boyfriend told me his boss said he could relocate when I got a new job across the country. But when my new job was confirmed, my ex said his boss took back the offer. This wasn’t the first time he changed his story when things got down to the wire.”

—Jerusha, 28

Loyalty Is Required—But Not Reciprocal

Gaslighters require complete and unrealistic loyalty—but don’t expect loyalty from them. As you’ll learn in Chapter 2, they are notorious for their compulsive infidelity. Gaslighters do whatever they want to you, but God help you if they think you’ve betrayed them. They will make your life a living hell.

They Kick People When They Are Down

Not merely satisfied to leave well enough alone when they have inflicted their damage, gaslighters continues to beat those who are on the ground. They get a sick pleasure from watching others suffer. They especially get excited when they know someone is suffering because of them.

They Avoid Admitting Problems They’ve Caused

Gaslighters will say that you, or people around them, are irrational and have things all wrong, when in reality they are avoiding having to explain themselves or take responsibility for their actions. For example, gaslighters will put their coworkers at risk by not following workplace safety guidelines. When they are confronted by superiors about these violations, they argue that no one really got hurt, and that they are being unfairly targeted. Or gaslighting parents who are told by their child’s teacher that it would be helpful if they would spend more time on reading at home, will automatically blame the other parent for the child’s issues with reading, or blame the teacher or the school for bringing it up.

They Bait and Switch

Your gaslighter boss comes by your cubicle and asks whether you have a couple of minutes to chat about a new project. You are excited, especially because this extra work might be an incentive for the boss to give you a raise. In the meeting with your boss, you’re told that you do have a new project—because someone else was let go. Now you have additional responsibility without reward. Before you can ask any questions, the boss tells you he is busy, and closes the door behind you. This is a classic manipulation move—bring people in by promising them one thing, then switch it on them once they accept it.

BUT DON’T PEOPLE JUST MANIPULATE OTHERS SOMETIMES?

What’s the difference between someone who manipulates for a particular benefit, and a gaslighter? It’s a fine line. Whereas manipulation (or influence) is an essential part of some jobs, such as sales, it’s a pattern of behavior with gaslighters—their default mode. That is, when most people lie, it’s for a specific outcome—to avoid confrontation, get ahead, or curry favor with someone. But with gaslighters, there is no particular reason to lie and yet they do it over and over again, often in an escalating fashion as they feel the effects of their power. This is done just for the sake of doing it—to con, gain control of, and confuse you. Gaslighters manipulate others not just situationally but as a way of life.

WHY DO GASLIGHTERS BEHAVE THIS WAY?

For gaslighters, everything they do is about gaining power over others and filling their endless pit of neediness. There is a debate regarding “nature vs. nurture” with gaslighters. Sometimes people are just born manipulators. Gaslighting behaviors can also be learned from parents or other people in a child’s life. Gaslighters who were psychologically abused as children learned maladaptive coping techniques so as to cope with the cruelty inflicted upon them. In Chapter 7 you will learn more about gaslighters in the family.

Many gaslighters have narcissistic injury—a perceived threat to their self-worth or self-esteem. They then react with narcissistic rage. This rage isn’t always loud—it can be quiet and just as dangerous. In fact, when the narcissist is full of rage, it usually comes across as an eerie calm—enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

WHY HAVE YOU LIVED WITH THIS?

It takes a certain amount of cognitive dissonance to remain connected to a gaslighter—whether it is a partner, sibling, parent, coworker, or someone you helped elect. Cognitive dissonance occurs when you have information about the gaslighter that is completely contradictory to your beliefs, values, and what you thought you knew about that person. When we have a state of cognitive dissonance, we react in one of the following ways:

image We ignore the contradictory information.

image We fight against the contradictory information.

image We replace our beliefs and values with the contradictory information.

You may have put up with it because you convinced yourself that it was normal. But the healthiest way to resolve cognitive dissonance is to take action to bring yourself back into alignment with your own beliefs and values—and many times that means leaving or distancing yourself from the gaslighter. You will learn more in this book about how to do this in a healthy way—even if you have to have some form of ongoing contact with the gaslighter, such as in a coparenting relationship.

SO, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Throughout this book we’ll look at ways to decrease a gaslighter’s influence in your life. Many of these will boil down to one thing: get as far away as possible. Because gaslighters are so slippery and manipulative, your best bet is to cut off all contact. If you can’t completely cut off contact, drastically reduce it. Also, never let them see you sweat. Gaslighters’ payoff is knowing they’ve upset you. If you don’t react or act bored, they will usually leave you alone.

Some people try giving a gaslighter “a taste of his own medicine” by yelling and manipulating right back. This can work in the very short term, shocking the gaslighter into silence, but don’t be fooled. He’ll come back for revenge. This is a tricky game to play. And at what cost to you? In Chapter 7, we’ll look at what it means to have “fleas”—to take on the gaslighter’s behaviors. It doesn’t work. You don’t want to start acting like a gaslighter, no matter how strong the temptation.

IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN HOW HEALTHY PEOPLE BEHAVE.…

If you’ve been around a gaslighter for a while, it can be easy to forget what a psychologically healthy person looks like. Psychologically healthy people:

LET’S MOVE ON to how gaslighting works in dating and intimate relationships. So many good, smart, loving people find themselves with gaslighters, and I want to show you that there are ways out. You don’t have to live your life under their spell.