7

BEWARE THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

False Messiahs, Extremist Groups, Closed Communities, Cults, and Gaslighting

WHILE YOU MAY THINK THAT CULTS ARE RARE AND THAT THIS CHAPTER isn’t relevant to you, I encourage you to read it. Any person or organization can exhibit cultlike behavior and can strive to take advantage of you and gaslight you; you may find information here that speaks to your life and experiences even if you think cults are the stuff of news and made-for-TV movies. Additionally, we are hearing more and more about the rise of extremist groups, whose values are based in religion or a particular belief system (such as white nationalism).

Look carefully at closed communities, extremist groups, and cults and you see all the usual gaslighting traits: seductive charm and the promise of taking charge, slowly ratcheted mind control until one’s sense of personal agency is destroyed, isolation from loved ones, flying monkeys, and punishment of those who try to extricate themselves, among others. Cults and extremist groups exist in every country, and in every cultural group. No one is immune.

Cults have torn apart families, caused permanent psychological damage, and have gotten members and outsiders killed. They break down a person’s psyche and replace it with the prescribed beliefs of the leadership. Cults have long-lasting effects on people’s emotional and even physical health—even years after leaving the cult.

That’s why I am devoting a chapter of the book to how to spot a cult or extremist group, resist its pull, and get away if you’ve found yourself mixed up with one (or help a loved one break free). Just like in cases of domestic violence, as you read about in Chapter 5, victims of cults or extremist groups can be trapped in a cycle of abuse and dependence from which it is very difficult to break free.

Some cults and extremist groups are not so much about a belief system or religion—they are about gaining control of people and fleecing them of their money and dignity. Sounds a lot like other forms of gaslighting, doesn’t it? In a cult or extremist group, one leader or set of leaders must be followed or else—and the consequences can range from monetary fines to physical punishments or even death. Other extremist groups, such as white nationalists, focus on a particular ideology—and use the hallmarks of gaslighting (lying, distorting, etc., and many of the techniques discussed in the previous chapter) to recruit members.

TYPES OF CULTS AND EXTREMIST GROUPS

There are different types of cults and extremist groups, including political, religious, and destructive. Political cults are oriented around political action and ideology; for example, “far-left” or “far-right” beliefs. Some sectarian political organizations would fall into this category. Religious cults, as the name implies, are organizations that claim to have a spiritual or religious purpose. Some breakaway churches would qualify as cults, as would such groups as Heaven’s Gate or the Branch Davidians, both of which you may have read about elsewhere. Destructive cults are less well known. They acquired this label because their goal is to deliberately injure or kill members of other cults. Criminal gangs and terrorist groups would be examples of such cults. (Here I am using the label “terrorist” for any group that uses force or violence against a person or persons to intimidate as part of furthering its agenda.)

This chapter will focus mostly on religious and destructive cults, which are particularly dangerous due to the wide amount of psychological and physical damage they have, can, and will do to members, their families, and society.

Cults vs. Healthy Belief Systems

People will often ask me how you can tell the difference between a cult and a healthy but offbeat or nonnormative belief system. Let us count the ways.

“I belong to a normal church now, I can come and go as I please. That was really wild to find out, that I could just not show up one week, and that was cool with them.”

—Sadie, 40

Cults, extremist groups, and closed communities may include the following unhealthy behaviors:

You are “locked in.”

You no longer have free will.

You are not supposed to ask questions or to question leaders’ authority.

You are told that the group is superior to other groups and people.

They’ll tell you they can raise your children better than you can.

They’ll sabotage and undermine family relationships, particularly between parent and child.

Your children are taken from you to be raised by the group’s members, and you are told it is in your children’s best interest.

Your children must attend a specific school.

Older members are married to the cult’s children.

Your spouse is chosen for you, from within the group.

Money usually flows to the leaders to buy lavish items, while followers live in relative poverty.

There is no clear accounting of funds.

You are pressured to give them large or regular sums of money.

You are told you need to leave your money to the group upon your death.

You are told to give up all your possessions, and may be encouraged to give them all to the group.

They operate businesses with other names, and hide their true affiliation.

They may have splintered off from a legitimate religion due to their extreme beliefs.

Science is seen as wrong.

They have a series of strict rules or “laws.”

There is a strict dress code or mandatory uniform.

Specific ways of eating, sleeping, and interacting are deemed to be for or against the group’s norms.

Specific jargon is used that does not exist outside the group and its members.

Isolating behaviors are used to keep you in the cult and not divulge information to “outsiders.”

Demeaning names are given to people who are not members of the group.

Punishments can range from psychological to physical.

Leaders sexually abuse minors and other followers.

You are expected to commit crimes with or on behalf of the group.

Mental health treatment is shunned.

If you leave the designated buildings or compound for any reason, you are followed or chaperoned.

A good opportunity for you (a new job, for example) is seen as a threat.

Your family is told to shun you (cease all communication) if you leave.

You are stalked and harassed if you leave.

As you can see, many of these behaviors are what gaslighters do. There is coercion and manipulation of others; manipulating for personal gain; emotional, physical, and sexual abuse; and fostering dependency, among others. You may find similarities between these behaviors and those of gaslighters who abuse their partners, as you read about in Chapter 5.

Contrast the preceding list with healthy communities, organizations, or belief systems, where:

You are not only allowed to ask questions, you are encouraged.

You are free to leave at any time.

Your children stay with you.

The parent-child bond is respected and encouraged.

There is an administrative body that provides “checks and balances.”

There are reasonable tenets to the religion.

You are not asked to break laws.

Healthy family relationships are encouraged.

You are given guidelines, but not punishments.

Mental health treatment is encouraged for depression and anxiety.

There is a clear accounting of funds.

While there may be a sponsored school, you are not forced to have your child attend, nor are you punished.

Keep in mind that any belief system can become a cult if the dogma becomes inflexible over time, there are punishments for “disobedience,” there’s an “us vs. them” worldview, and there are consequences for questioning leadership.

CHARACTERISTICS OF CULTS

They Use the First Amendment as a Defense

In the United States, things are not so different. If “outsiders” try to criticize a specific group, they will often be called “un-American” for trying to curtail people’s “freedom” or be accused of being “against the First Amendment” by trying to suppress “the free practice of religion.” You’ll recall that the First Amendment grants people the right to the free practice of a religion, to free speech, and to assemble peacefully. Dangerous closed groups will hide behind the First Amendment, because as a society, Americans tend not to want to challenge people’s constitutional rights. The First Amendment does not apply to groups who are psychologically abusing others and holding them against their will, but that doesn’t keep cults or extremist groups from trying.

They Offer Exclusivity

Closed groups also gaslight followers by telling them that there is esoteric knowledge that only the cult possesses. They trade in promoting scarcity. Group leaders will add to the mystique by promising that as you rise up through the levels of the cult, you will become more enlightened. It should be noted that one doesn’t rise up through those levels easily. It takes an unrealistic amount of time and energy—and in many cases, a large amount of money—to reach the “enlightened” stage.

Scarcity causes people to think only of their own desires and not of the greater good of a community. In a cult, the leader may tell followers that only so many people get to a particular stage of enlightenment—such as that the afterlife has only so many spots for “true believers.” The more time you devote to reaching this state of enlightenment, the better your chances of beating other people to it. Interesting how that works. More time, energy, devotion, and money to the group, the more “special” you become. Does that sound like a good deal to you?

“We were taught that we were the only ones that knew the way to true happiness. But no one really knew how to get there. I was told that I hadn’t done enough ‘tithing’ to get to that place.”

—Marisol, 52

If a leader truly had the answer to the meaning of life and knew how to become enlightened, you’d think he’d want to share this information with everyone. Healthy organizations operate from an idea of abundance; they want others to be happy, whatever path they choose. In closed groups, a scarcity mentality is used as a way to punish and control.

In legitimate religions, not only is there a notion of abundance but a system of checks and balances to make sure one person doesn’t become all-powerful. Of course the lines aren’t always so clear. Your best bet here, as in all situations where you think you might be dealing with gaslighters, is to go with your gut—if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

They Reinforce “Us Versus Them”

As we’ve been seeing in each chapter, gaslighters thrive on isolating their victims from others. They convince their victims that they are the only ones who care, and no one “out there” has the victim’s best interests in mind. With closed groups, members will start dropping their contact with the outside world, and very quickly they are relying on people within the group exclusively for emotional and financial support. These groups further this isolation along by portraying outsiders as “sinners,” “ungodly,” or dangerous. This fosters fear, and ensures that people stay within the literal or metaphorical walls of the group.

“I was raised that everyone outside my church was evil, and we were the only good ones. Everything was a war between us and the outside world. If we questioned our preacher, we were punished.”

—Zamora, 28

They Use Jargon and “Special Words”

Cults will often reinforce exclusivity by using made up words and language, or they come up with different definitions for words from what they commonly mean. It’s another way they reinforce an “us vs. them” mentality. One red flag that you are dealing with a cult is if you ask a cult member what a word means, and the person can’t tell you, or refuses to explain it. This insider jargon is part of a strategy to make members feel that they are much more “enlightened” and intelligent than the rest of us.

“When I got out, I had to learn how to talk like a regular person. I didn’t realize how many words I used that were just part of my church.”

—Loretta, 43

They Expect Public Professions of Loyalty

Gaslighters use social consistency to their advantage. Cults, for example, commonly have members profess their loyalty in front of as many other members as possible. When you announce to a hundred people that you will be faithful to the group and its leader, you are making a social contract with everyone in that room. Gaslighters know that people don’t like to be seen as inconsistent, and will use these public demonstrations as often as possible to cement loyalty.

“I tried to run away, and as punishment I was brought in front of all the elders and made to recite the rules, and repeat back what my punishment would be if I tried to leave again. I had to repeat back that the only way to a godly life was through the church.”

—Ramona, 48

They Won’t Answer Questions Directly

Evading questions is another hallmark of gaslighters. Ask anyone who has ever tried, as a noncult member, to ask a cult leader what goes on within the group, and you’ll discover that such questions are never answered. People are told that they just wouldn’t “get it,” meaning they aren’t as smart or enlightened as those in the cult, or that only members may be party to such information, or their questions are answered by questions thrown right back at them. Dare to question the group’s beliefs while you are a member and you will be punished for questioning. Ask a leader a question about the legitimacy of the cult, and you may well be told you are violating human and constitutional rights.

They Force You to Marry Within the Cult and to Have Kids

Leaders will encourage (or force) members to marry within the group. This ensures both members’ ties to the cult and decreases the chance that they will leave. Furthermore, what better way to reinforce the group ideals than by having your spouse there to remind you of them? Further controlling your personal life, most cults will pressure you to have children to increase their numbers. If you do have kids, the group may take your children away so they can be indoctrinated. A child born into a cult is highly unlikely to leave the cult.

“My minister told my now-wife and I that we were getting married. I didn’t even really know her very well. People at my church weren’t even allowed to date. I never questioned it because I was taught my minister was always right.”

—Jason, 40

They Engage in Brainwashing and Foster Stockholm Syndrome

Cults will carefully dismantle your belief structure through gaslighting and coercion, and replace your beliefs with theirs. They need you not to think freely for yourself. Sometimes this is referred to as programming, and it can take years to “unprogram” yourself from the thought and belief structure of a cult. This phenomenon of hostages developing sympathetic feelings or attachments to their captors is called Stockholm syndrome. People with Stockholm syndrome often don’t want to leave their captors, even if given the chance.

“It has taken me a long time to be able to do things that are normal for everyone else but outside of the church’s rules, and not feel really uncomfortable about it.”

—Jeannette, 45

Members of cults are a lot like hostages and can suffer from this as well, due to the ways they are psychologically manipulated into feeling bound to the cult—through fear and punishment. It is much like an abusive relationship, which you can read more about in Chapter 5.

They Won’t Allow You to Leave

As with all gaslighting relationships, cults do not always seem very cultish at first. And then, by the time you realize you need to get out, it is usually too late. Cults will use extreme measures to keep members from leaving. Some cults have even been known to threaten to get family members of cult members deported if the member tries to leave. Some will hold passports hostage so followers can’t leave. Some cults will physically stop people from leaving.

Cult Leaders Don’t Live by Their Own Rules

The rules are strict and the punishments severe, but don’t expect leaders to live by the same strictures. While followers may be told that they need to live a life of austerity, for instance, numerous cult leaders have been known to spend followers’ money on lavish lifestyles. They may tell followers that sex is not allowed outside of marriage, while they are having sex with multiple followers.

They Replace Your Values with Theirs

To belong to a cult, members often experience “cognitive dissonance.” They’ll realize that their own values and beliefs are in conflict with what they are being taught. Cults have methods of breaking people down and replacing their values and beliefs with the cult’s own.

When we are confronted with beliefs that are different from ours, we have several choices:

1. Ignore the new conflicting information.

2. Commit even further to our existing beliefs.

3. Avoid exposure to contradictory information.

4. Project our feelings of overwhelm onto others.

5. Absorb the contradictory information and change our existing beliefs.

6. Accept the contradictory information as it is and accept holding two different beliefs.

Of course, cults will try to get you to choose number 5. They’ll attempt to brainwash you, often through intimidation, telling you that your family and friends are worthless or “sinners,” and the cult (and only the cult) can offer you a way to reach a higher state as a human being. You will no longer be able to think for yourself. Individualism is stamped out. The cult becomes all-powerful and always right, with no room for “gray areas.”

They Prey on Our Desire to Belong

People with personal difficulties and difficult histories tend to be the most vulnerable to the promise of feeling complete and healed and taken care of, and cult leaders can smell this from a mile away. Cult leaders prey on feelings of outsiderhood and in fact often isolate people so they will be less and less likely to reenter, or even be interested in reentering, mainstream society. If you are lost and need a metaphorical compass to follow, cults provide that. At a very steep price.

In many cases, cults present themselves as helpers to lure potential members, who will then be “groomed” into a relationship with a cult member, ideally the cult leader. Once a new recruit forms a relationship with a cult member, especially the leader, it is much more likely they will stick around. And get indoctrinated.

They Scam Members Out of Money

Cults will also take your money and then not use it as they said they would. If you attempt to ask for proof of where it went, you will be accused of being a blasphemer or threatened with excommunication. Giving over your money is often a requirement of membership. In fact, some cults will tell you that you can’t advance to the next stage of development or enlightenment until you pay a certain amount of money as a sign of your loyalty.

They Engage in Forced Labor and Human Trafficking

Many cults also engage in human trafficking. Human trafficking has been referred to as modern-day slavery, and there are an estimated 20.9 million victims in the world, with 90 percent in forced labor and 22 percent in forced sexual exploitation, and 5.5 million are children (International Labour Organization 2012). Labor trafficking consists of bonded labor, forced labor, and child labor.

“They took my passport. There was no way for me to get out. I was forced to work and beaten every day.”

—Ruby, 23

In bonded labor, a victim is forced to work off a debt. For example, cult members are given fliers and books to give out in their recruiting efforts. If they’re discovered not to have given out all their materials in a given day, the members are forced to do extra work to pay off their “debt.”

Forced labor is when a victim is forced to work under the threat of violence or other punishment.

Cults are also notorious for child labor, in which children are forced to work, including in unsafe conditions and at all hours of the day and night.

One might even say that cults are de facto human traffickers in that they don’t let members out of their sight, they punish members for not “obeying,” and cult leaders will claim that members owe debts to the cult (Boyle 2015). People are forced to stay in the cult through fear and punishment.

“I was told I had committed sins against God, and was forced to work in a labor camp to ‘redeem’ myself.”

—Niamh, 38

They Will Use Many Means to Destroy the Opposition

Cults are famously litigious, going after people that speak out against them, sometimes filing lawsuit after lawsuit against them—with the purpose of bankrupting them. Many times, the cults have succeeded in financially wiping out the people they see as opposition. They will also attack opponents through smear campaigns intended to incite fear and suffering, and decrease the chances of the person or entity speaking out against them again. It’s also a warning sign to anyone else who tries to defy the cult or call them out on their practices.

Another trademark of most cults is their ability to hunt down those who try to leave. The cult will make various attempts to come after you, if not physically, then through attacks on your credibility. This is what gaslighters do.

WHAT TO DO IF A LOVED ONE IS IN A CULT OR EXTREMIST GROUP?

If you have a family member in a cult or extremist group, please know that it is usually very, very difficult for followers to break free. They have been brainwashed into believing that the leader and the cult or group are the only ones who love them and care about their well-being, and they may resist all efforts of help. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying. You can ask law enforcement to do a “wellness check” on your loved one. Also consider contacting an attorney if you feel your loved one is no longer capable of handling her finances or other responsibilities.

Some mental health professionals will caution you to start small when contacting a family member in a cult. Do not initially challenge the cult’s beliefs and don’t expect long outings or meetings. Keep them short and manageable. As you start rebuilding rapport with her, visits and contact may grow, albeit slowly. Remember that progress is still progress, even if it is by just inches. Be careful not to make statements about how wrong the cult is or how it is hurting your family. This can cause your loved one to immediately withdraw or go into defense mode. Reconnecting your family will be a slow process. Mental health professionals can help you with how to approach her and possibly heal your relationship. Patience is key. You can learn more about counseling in Chapter 12.

It is important to educate yourself about gaslighting, cults, and extremist groups. Learn how these organizations operate, and how they lure in members. Also learn details about the cult or group your loved one has joined. The more you know, the more likely you will be able to educate her (and counteract cult brainwashing) during an intervention with her.

What starts the process of a person leaving a cult or extremist group? There are six main triggers, according to a 2017 study led by Kira Harris, PhD: social conflicts within the cult, a change in cult dynamics, having conflicting emotions about roles in the cult, the leadership of the cult not following cult rules or expectations, pressure from police, and family influence. So, family does play a role in a member leaving the cult. Also, presenting your loved one with such information as print or media articles or videos showing that a cult leader’s behavior is incongruent with cult rules can help initiate the process of leaving the cult.

If a family member is contemplating leaving a cult or extremist group, it is important for her to know that upon exit she has a safe place to stay, social support from family and friends, and possible opportunities for earning income. The more you can show that you have these safety and security concerns taken care of, the more likely it is that your loved one will eventually exit the cult.

However, let’s say you’ve been patient and tried all these things. It can be easy to become completely consumed by working at getting your family member out of the cult. Establish boundaries where you will say “enough is enough.” You can love someone, but also detach and acknowledge that she has made life decisions that have impacted your emotional, physical, and even financial health—and it’s time for that to stop having such an influence on you. You can’t “make” someone leave a cult or extremist group.

For more information on organizations and mental health professionals that help former members of cults and their families, see the Resources section at the end of this book. A legitimate organization or mental health professional is one that is cited in scholarly work, such as journal articles, and the head of the organization and its board are licensed, certified mental health professionals.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE IN A CULT

If you are in a cult or extremist group and have found a way to get access to this book, that is amazing. You must have gone through a lot to get ahold of it. Please know that there is hope for you, and a life with meaning and happiness outside the cult. Know that the cult cannot legally keep you against your will. Their doing so would be what is known as false imprisonment.

The first thing to do is create an exit strategy, but tell no one in the cult about it. The cult may already sense that you are straying, so be aware of attempts to control you further or isolate you away from other followers.

Try to reach outside communication. Be aware that if you are contacting outsiders from within one of the cult’s buildings, your calls may well be monitored. If you do succeed in leaving the cult, check to be sure you aren’t followed. And if you can, report any suspicious behavior to law enforcement.

Once you do leave, please get counseling. If you’ve been in the cult for a long time, you will face adjusting to life on the outside, as well as a likely history of abuse and neglect, deprivation of education, and difficulty emotionally attaching to others (Matthews and Salazar 2014). You can do this. Take it slow. You can learn more about counseling in Chapter 12.

LET’S MOVE ON from cults and extremist groups to gaslighting family members. They can make you question your sanity and do quite a bit of harm to you. It’s hard to get away from them, as well.