12

GETTING FREE

Counseling and Other Ways to Get Help

WHETHER YOU’VE BEEN A VICTIM OF GASLIGHTING OR YOU’VE noted tendencies in yourself, it can really help to consult with a mental health professional (MHP). Gaslighting can cause extreme stress (and if you’ve been coparenting with a gaslighter, it causes stress to your kids as well). Making sure that you take good care of yourself, in part by getting enough sleep, exercising, and practicing healthy eating habits, is a big part of self-care. Getting professional help is another part of the equation.

As noted in the previous chapter, if you were raised by gaslighters or in a relationship with one, you may have found you were even gaslighting yourself. You may have questioned your reality in other areas of your life, due to the gaslighter’s brainwashing tactics. It takes a lot of strength to know that you need additional help, so you should be very proud of yourself. Asking for help is a strength, and not everyone is able to know they need help.

COUNSELING

If you have been a victim of gaslighting or if you have gaslighting tendencies, it can help you to seek talk therapy or counseling. Although counseling may just seem like sitting and chatting with someone, it is actually hard work. What you get out of it depends on how much effort you put into it. Expectations also make a difference. If you go into counseling with the attitude of “This might make some positive changes in my life,” you will have better results than going in with the attitude of “I don’t think this will work, but whatever.” Go in with an attitude of willingness and curiosity and you’re much more likely to get the insights and new coping and communication tools you’re looking for.

You can find MHPs through referrals from family, friends, and others in your community. Your health plan provider may also be able to direct you to professionals whose services it will cover. You can also find MHPs via search engines and counseling websites and apps. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on finding an MHP.

Choosing the Right One

When you meet an MHP, you may “click” with that person or you may not. You may need to meet with a few MHPs to find one with whom you fit well. Listen to your intuition when deciding whether an MHP is a right fit for you. Your intuition is that gut feeling that tells you whether something is okay or not. If you grew up with gaslighting parents, your intuition may have told you that something was wrong with your parents’ behavior. If you brought this up with your parents, they most likely told you that you were crazy and you had no idea what you were talking about. The same holds true if you are or were in a relationship with a gaslighter. It’s important to acknowledge that your intuition is almost always correct and to connect with that feeling that tells you that something is good or not. It is almost always on target. As you are the one hiring the MHP, you have the right to opt out of working with anyone with whom you feel uncomfortable, however highly that person may have been recommended to you.

Some MHPs’ style is to listen and provide feedback for you when asked. Others may be more direct with you, even interrupting you. (If you have gaslighting tendencies yourself, you may need someone more direct, since having gaslighting behaviors mean you can probably “steamroll” or manipulate people pretty well. You can even tell the MHP, “I need someone to be direct with me and call me out.”)

“I went to a couple of therapists before I found one that I felt I could really talk to.”

—Deon, 34

When you contact a counselor, ask her:

Her license and credentials

How much she charges

If she is covered by your insurance (check with your insurance company, too, and get that information in writing—your insurance company is not obligated to honor oral statements)

Her experience with gaslighting

What therapeutic style she uses (note that most therapists use a combination of therapy styles):

Client-centered therapy

Cognitive-behavioral therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy

Acceptance and commitment therapy

Solution-focused therapy

How long she expects counseling to last. The answer you are looking for is “It depends on the person,” since every person’s issues and needs are unique. No one should promise you a quick fix.

Many MHPs are now doing private pay only—they do not file insurance, and you pay them in full at the end of the session. You can ask MHPs whether they work on a sliding scale, meaning they allow you to pay according to what you can afford, within reason. Many community mental health centers provide sliding scale treatment.

If the MHP doesn’t file insurance, ask for a receipt so you can file for reimbursement with your insurance company. Then, when you contact your insurance company about reimbursement for a counseling visit, ask how much it reimburses for a “nonparticipating provider”; that is, an MHP that doesn’t take insurance. Usually your reimbursement percentage, or money paid back to you, is lower if the MHP is out of your insurance network.

A word of caution: Anytime you file a medical claim with your insurance company, whether it is for counseling or a broken leg, that information goes into a national clearinghouse called the Medical Information Bureau (www.mib.com). This information can be used to deny you life and disability insurance—and until the Affordable Care Act, was used to deny health insurance coverage. Due to this fact, and for keeping privacy, many people choose not to file with their insurance for counseling visits.

You can get your entire file from the Medical Information Bureau at www.mib.com. It lists your date of service, doctor name, and diagnosis. I recommend you get this file, because as was my experience, my doctor’s office was off by one digit on a diagnostic code, and the incorrect diagnosis it gave me it would have impacted my chances of getting insurance. If you get your file and find that the information is incorrect, contact your doctor’s office, and it will correct the error. Ask for proof of the error correction.

Also be aware that if you are going to be applying with your state bar to become an attorney, you may be asked about any mental health treatment you receive. If you are planning on going into the military, ask a Department of Defense recruiter for its latest policies on people who have had counseling or are taking psychiatric medications. (You’ll learn more about psychiatric medications later in this chapter.)

Should You Talk to Others About Your Therapy?

It is a personal decision whether to disclose to others that you are going for counseling. You may find that your family and friends think it’s really odd. Some family members may worry that “secrets” in the family will come out. Going to counseling is a courageous and good thing—you are acknowledging that you need some guidance with some things in your life. Everyone has issues, and you are strong enough to do something about those issues. Don’t let the reactions of others deter you—or simply don’t tell anyone and just go.

“In my family, you don’t go to a counselor unless you are super crazy. It felt really weird going to see someone and talk about things I wouldn’t even tell my close friends. But talking about stuff that I was ashamed to talk about.… it’s freeing.”

—Alfonso, 37

In the list here, I mentioned a few different types of therapy. (There are many more, too, but these are the main ones in use now.) You may find that you “click” better with one type than another. You may also discover that most MHPs use a blend of different counseling theories. MHPs should be able to tell you whether they have training in a particular type of counseling theory or theories.

Let’s take a look at these theories and see whether you resonate more strongly with one or another.

Client-Centered Therapy

Client-centered therapy is a type of counseling that is nondirective. This means that you are in the “driver’s seat” in the counseling session, and the MHP is neutral. This means that the counselor doesn’t try to steer you in a particular direction or give you advice.

Unconditional Positive Regard

“Unconditional positive regard” is a big part of client-centered therapy. This means that the MHP accepts you for who you are, and supports you no matter what issues you bring into the session. If you have been gaslighted, you may already feel severely judged, so client-centered therapy is a safe place to talk about your issues without judgments being made.

Being Genuine

Having an MHP that is genuine with you is another important part of client-centered therapy. This means that the MHP will be “real” with you, and may tell you how he is feeling about something. For example, if you are sharing that your mother gaslighted you into believing that you didn’t have worth, the MHP may share with you that he is feeling angry that you were treated that way. When an MHP is genuine, he role models for you how to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means being open to sharing who you are, and your thoughts. Being the victim of a gaslighter means that you had to usually conceal who you were, keep it hidden deep down—because you knew if you were vulnerable the gaslighter would see that as a sign to attack you. Learning how to be vulnerable again is a big step toward getting away from your gaslighter’s shadow on your life.

Self-Concept

Self-concept is what you believe about yourself. It consists of your ideas and values. The gaslighter in your life may have told you that your ideas and values were wrong, or may have blatantly disregarded them. Time with the gaslighter may have changed your self-concept to one that is different from reality. Your gaslighter’s criticism may have led you to believe that you don’t have worth or are always wrong. Client-centered counseling can help you get back to who you are, and rebuild an accurate self-concept—that you are a good, honest, and confident person.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of counseling that focuses, in part, on the inner monologue, or voice, that plays through your mind all day long. In CBT, it’s not an event that makes you feel a certain way, it’s what you think about the event that impacts how you feel about it.

Think of this process as written out this way:

Action Belief Consequence.

Something happens to you. You have thoughts about this thing that happened to you. These thoughts then determine how you feel. Let’s say you step in a mud puddle on the way to work (Action). You think to yourself, “I can’t believe I was so stupid. Everyone at work is going to make fun of me” (Belief). You wind up having a bad day at work (Consequence). However, let’s say you step in a mud puddle on the way to work (Action) and think to yourself, “Ah, accidents happen. I’ll have something to laugh about with my coworkers” (Belief). You wind up having a pretty good day (Consequence). According to this theory, what you think about an event changes the outcome, so why not think of something that works in your favor?

Stopping Negative Self-Talk

We all have recordings that play in our mind during the day. Yours could be your voice, your parent’s voice, a teacher’s voice, or anyone else who might have been critical toward you. Most people are not aware of this “inner dialogue.” If you take time to stop and really listen to your inner voice, you may find that it is not saying kind things. It can be defeatist, demeaning, and downright cruel sometimes. It’s the voice that says, “You’re not that smart, you’ll never get this done,” when you are given a new assignment at work. It’s the voice that says, “You’ll never be good enough.”

One way to stop the negative self-talk (or “negative cognitions” in CBT-speak) is to become more aware that you are doing it. Just becoming cognizant of your inner voice will go a long way toward stopping it. When you catch your inner voice saying something negative, visualize a stop sign popping up—or say the word stop. This stops your negative thought in its tracks. Then come up with a positive replacement. For example, “I’m never going to get better” turns into “I can get better.” “I never do anything right” turns into “I’m okay just the way I am.” It can be a challenge to change your thought pattern. The good news is that once you start doing it, it gets easier and easier—until one day you’ll discover that the negative thoughts are all but gone. Thinking positive thoughts becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you’re going to have a good day, you probably will have a good day. So, why not give yourself a fighting chance?

Cognitive Distortions

When you are a victim of gaslighting, or are engaging in gaslighting behaviors, you tend to have what are called cognitive distortions. These are ways of thinking that work against you. These thoughts are called distortions because they warp the way we see ourselves and the world around us. Cognitive distortions include overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, minimizing, mind-reading, and personalizing. You may use these patterns of thinking as a kind of protective shield around you. Let’s take a look at how they work.

Overgeneralizing: You practice overgeneralizing when you think that the way one event went means all events will go the same way. An example would be: “My one friend can’t go to the movies; I have no friends.” The chances are that you do have more friends. Very rarely in life are things “all or nothing.” Try to catch yourself overgeneralizing and ask yourself, “Is this really true?” If you gaslight, you may have such thoughts as, “If he leaves, I will never be happy again,” or “I had one bad day, my days are always bad.” It’s viewing the world through the eyes of an angry pessimist.

Catastrophizing: This is best described by the saying “Making a mountain out of a molehill.” An example would be: “My girlfriend said we should talk over dinner tonight. This is the end of our relationship! I just know it!” You’re coming up with conclusions for which you have no proof. This kind of response can also be changed by noticing it. The saying, “No use crying over spilled milk” may not make sense if you have a gaslighting parent. You know that something like spilling milk turns your parent into a screaming monster who will lecture you on how expensive milk is, how worthless you are for spilling it, and how, if you keep it up, your family will have no money for milk, when in reality, accidents just happen. Healthy people just say, “Oops!” and help their children clean up.

Minimizing: This is a classic behavior of addicts. “I drink two six-packs a night; that doesn’t mean I have a problem.” It’s the opposite of catastrophizing—it’s making a molehill out of a mountain. Minimizing is a form of denial. It’s the equivalent of, “Nothing to see here.… move along.” Getting an evaluation by a MHP or getting counseling from one can help you determine whether you do in fact have an issue with making things less of a big deal than they really are, and whether there is a problem in particular that you tend to minimize, such as alcohol use or a gaslighter’s abusive behavior.

Mind-reading: “I know she’s thinking that I’m useless.” Mind-reading happens when you attribute thoughts to other people. If you have gaslighting tendencies, you may automatically think people are saying negative beliefs because someone in your life was constantly feeding you negative information about yourself. You can never be sure what others are thinking. The chances of you being psychic are pretty low, so it’s in your best interest to assume that a person is thinking something positive about you. Besides, as we say in the field, what other people think of you is none of your business.

Personalizing: “She didn’t say hi back to me. What a jerk.” Maybe your friend was busy and didn’t hear you say hello. Maybe she was distracted with other things. Very rarely in life are things personal. Even if someone is mad at you, that’s about that person, not you.

Just by becoming more aware of these cognitive distortions, they will start to show up less and less in your thinking. These distortions will then start being replaced with positive thoughts instead. It’s in your best interest, both emotionally and physically, to stop these detrimental forms of thinking.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. It can be helpful for people who are victims of gaslighting, have gaslighting behaviors, or both.

DBT was originally used to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is characterized, in part, by “all or nothing” thinking. People with BPD tend to swing between idealizing people and devaluing them. They will put people on a pedestal—the person with BPD feels that a particular person is perfect and can do no wrong—and then inevitably that person will fall off and be seen as terrible and bad. People with BPD are also prone to self-injurious behavior (including cutting, stabbing, burning, and rubbing the skin with erasers) and suicidal behavior. You may have noticed these behaviors in the gaslighter in your life, or you may have experienced them. Gaslighting and BPD can go hand in hand, just as it is frequently seen with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), histronic personality disorder (HPD), and antisocial personality disorder (ASD, or sociopathy).

In DBT, the focus is on improving your tolerance of stress, keeping your emotions on an “even keel,” and improving your relationships with others. In DBT it is believed that we can find a balance between acceptance and change. While you may not be responsible for all the things that lead you to using gaslighting behaviors, you are fully responsible for choosing a different, healthier way to live. In DBT, you and your MHP figure out which behaviors to reasonably accept and understand due to experiences you’ve had, and which you should work on and change for you to become a healthier person. This dance between acceptance and change is the “dialectical” part of DBT.

Some of the key concepts in DBT are as follows:

Distress Tolerance

Distressing events will happen in our lives; they’re unavoidable. Some people seem to handle upsetting events fairly well, while others have more difficulties with coping. If you have gaslighting behaviors, you may have difficulty coping with the curveballs life throws at you. You may have said to yourself that this unpleasant thing that happened was someone else’s fault; or this shouldn’t happen to you, or it’s unfair; or this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. You may have heard these exact statements from your gaslighting parent—we copy what we hear as children. Part of gaslighting is feeling that you are entitled to always have things go your way—when in life, this just isn’t possible. In DBT, the acronym ACCEPT is used as a way to cope with unwanted events.

A = Activities—Get moving and do simple tasks to distract yourself from an upsetting event.

C = Contribute—Help out others to stop your self-focused behavior. This also helps distract you and broadens your view of life.

C = Comparisons—Look at how your life is different from those who have a lot less than you do. Again, focusing outside yourself helps you deal with upsetting events. A gratitude journal, where you write down everything you are thankful for and what is going right, is a way for you to focus on all the good in your life, instead of focusing on the upsetting parts.

E = Emotions—Act the opposite of whatever emotion you are having. If you are feeling tired, get active. If you are feeling sad, watch a funny movie. This practice shows you that emotions are temporary, and you have the power to change them. You may have heard the phrase, “Act as if ”––act calm until you feel calm.

P = Push Away—If you are feeling that you’re useless, visualize yourself feeling competent and making change in the world. This is a way of “pushing away” the negative feelings you are having at the moment.

T = Thoughts—Engage in activities that are not emotion-filled. Focus more on the logical part of your thinking. Watch a movie that doesn’t have heavy emotional content. Basically, become more like Spock for the time being—he was all logic, no emotion.

Psychological First-Aid Kit

When you have lived a chaotic life, it can be hard to come up with what you can do to take care of yourself and make yourself feel better. With a gaslighting parent, you may not have received tender loving care. You may not know how to treat yourself with loving kindness. It’s especially difficult to do when you are in the middle of a crisis. What are some things you can do right now to feel good? Make a list of things or activities that make you feel relaxed and calm. Put this list in a place where you will see it often, such as on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Take a photo of your list with your smartphone—this way you will always have it with you when you need it.

Examples include:

Going for a walk

Spending time with your pet

Taking a bath

Meditating

Creating some art

Writing in a journal

Doing yoga

Practicing deep breathing

Listening to a creative visualization recording

Calling a supportive friend or family member

Going outside

Eating a snack

Drinking some water

Be Aware When You Are Getting “Wound Up”

Part of taking good care of yourself is knowing when your stress level is starting to feel out of control. When you have been gaslighted, or you have gaslighting behaviors, you may have difficulty with regulating your emotions. People who have learned to regulate their emotions know when they are getting upset and how to calm themselves down. You also tend to stay more on an even keel emotionally and have less mood swings when you can regulate how you are feeling. What does your body feel like when you are getting upset? People experience:

Clammy hands

Knots in their stomach

Feeling hot or flushed

Rapid heartbeat

Shallow or rapid breathing

Feeling that things “aren’t real”

When you start feeling these sensations, stop and take a deep breath. Deep breathing, also called diaphragmatic breathing, happens when you are breathing using your full lung capacity. This is achieved by engaging your diaphragm, a muscle at the base of your lungs. If you are doing diaphragmatic breathing correctly, your belly should be expanding when you inhale. Try inhaling for a count of 5, then exhaling for a count of 10. When you practice diaphragmatic breathing, you are kicking in the parasympathetic part of your autonomic nervous system. This causes you to have a feeling of relaxation and peace. Try it the next time you feel a rush of stress or anxiety.

Another technique for decreasing feelings of stress is to name three things you can see, three things you can feel, and three things you can hear. This practice acts as a distractor and keeps you in the here and now. When you are in the here and now, also known as “being present,” you are more likely to keep your feelings well regulated.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

The third and final form of counseling we’ll look at is called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). In ACT, you feel your feelings instead of pushing them aside or ignoring them. Avoiding “icky” or uncomfortable feelings is a natural part of being human. However, the more you avoid a feeling, the more it comes back—and sometimes it comes back with a vengeance. One of the theories of ACT is that you need to fully feel a feeling to be able to come out on the other side of it and let it go.

In ACT, you are encouraged to be present with your feelings. You’ll use a three-part process of observing yourself, feeling your feelings, and then letting them go. You also discover your personal values and formulate steps to act on those values. Some of the main processes, or tenets, of ACT, are mindfulness, cognitive diffusion, values clarification, acceptance, and committed action.

Mindfulness: Mindfulness simply means the ability to stay in the present moment. One of the ideas behind mindfulness, or being present, is that when we focus too much in the past, we’re likely to feel depressed; when we focus too much on the future, we’re likely to feel anxious. Focusing on the present brings us a feeling of calm. You will learn more about practicing mindfulness later in this chapter.

Cognitive Diffusion: This term describes a process whereby you decrease your emotional connection to your thoughts and make them have less of a negative impact on you. The idea is that a thought is just a thought, and it doesn’t have much bearing on who you really are or how you go about your life. One way of decreasing your emotional connection with your thoughts is to acknowledge that you are having the thought, such as that you are not a good person. When you tag it as just a thought you are having, the thought loses some of its power over you. Another cognitive diffusion technique is to repeat a negative thought in a silly voice in your head. Yet another technique is to “externalize” the mind: “Oh, that’s just my mind doing its worrying thing.” This takes the thoughts outside the self, so you are less likely to hang on to them.

Values Clarification: In ACT, we look at our values as a choice. A value is what gives your life meaning; it gives you a sense of purpose. One technique for understanding your values is to write down what you would want people to say at your funeral. “He cared about his kids. He was a loyal friend. He had a passion for his career.” Another way to determine values is to figure out what you would value if no one knew of the achievements you have made in your life.

Acceptance: This is just what it sounds like. You accept the thoughts and feelings you are having so as to be able to take action. One technique of acceptance, “unhooking,” involves acknowledging that just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you are going to act on it. Another technique is to ask yourself whether this pattern of thought has worked in your life. Has it helped you become the person you want to be? Or is it holding you back? A counselor may also ask you to write down, or journal, the difficult things you have gone through. Getting things out of your mind and on to paper helps you process them or work them through.

Committed Action: In this step of ACT, you make a plan to act on your values, a set of goals, both short-term and long-term. You feel uneasy or “not right” when you are veering away from these goals on your life path. Let’s say you discovered that one of your values in your life is to have a good relationship with your spouse. What steps can you take to meet those goals? Be specific about your goals. A broad goal might be: “I want my spouse to be happy.” An immediate goal is something you can do in the next day. For example, “I will get home before dinner tomorrow.” A short-term goal is something you can accomplish within a week. In this case, a realistic short-term goal could be: “I will call and schedule our family photos.” A medium-term goal is something you can do within the next few months. This could be: “I will clean up the garage and finish all house projects.” A long-term goal is something you can accomplish within the next few years, such as: “We will be debt-free in three years.”

Solution-Focused Therapy

Solution-focused therapy looks at solving problems. It is focused on the present and future, rather than on the past. Solution-focused therapy doesn’t look as much at your experiences and how you got to where you are today. It looks at how you can create a better tomorrow.

The Magic Question

A solution-focused MHP might ask you, “How would things be if they were well?” or “You wake up tomorrow, and everything is how you’d like it to be. Who would be the first person to notice?” The MHP is looking at your goals—what you would like to accomplish in your life. The MHP then helps you create building blocks to get there. Chances are, you haven’t been asked those kinds of questions before. Contemplating what your best life would look like can be freeing and healing all on its own.

Change One Thing

One of the premises of solution-focused therapy is that you don’t need to change a whole bunch of behaviors to see positive changes in your life. You can change just one thing, and everything in your life can change. For example, you decide that you are going to start thanking your spouse when you see him doing chores around the house. You notice over time that you and your spouse seem to be getting along better—and you no longer have to ask for something to get done around the house. Just that one thing changed the dynamic of your relationship.

Give Yourself Credit

The fact that you are reading this book shows that you have taken the initiative to make change in your life. That is a pretty amazing thing, and a sign that you have a lot of strength. Gaslighters are good at psychologically beating down their victims—and as a result you may be very tough on yourself, and blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. In solution-focused therapy, the MHP helps you see all the strides you have made—things you may not have noticed before. It’s important that someone helps us see all the progress we’ve made, especially when we feel like we’re “stuck.” Progress is progress, it doesn’t matter whether it was an inch forward—you still made the effort and succeeded.

What Is Going Well?

A solution-focused MHP may ask you what is going well in your life right now, or what has provided you relief from the gaslighting you’ve experienced. It may be that when you exercise it helps clear your mind and decreases your anxiety. You may find that when you are engrossed in a hobby that you temporarily forget about the suffering you endured, and don’t hear the gaslighter’s voice in your head. Your MHP will help you see when things are better in your life, so you can increase those activities or people in your life. What you focus on grows.

GROUP VERSUS INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Group therapy can be more cost-effective than individual therapy. You may be more likely to attend therapy and get more out of it if it’s in a group setting rather than individual. There is positive social pressure in a group—you are more likely to show up at the next session because you are expected to by the other group members. You can experience something called “universalization” in group therapy. This is the feeling that you are not the only one with these particular concerns or issues. Feeling that sense of belonging can be very healing and cathartic. You can do group therapy at the same time you are doing individual therapy—and this can increase the benefits (Echeburúa, Sarasua, and Zubizarreta 2014). You can even attend group and individual therapy via video conferencing.

MEDICATION

When you meet with an MHP, he may refer you to a prescriber for medication to help with anxiety or depression. Anxiety and depression are common when you have been dealing with a gaslighter. Sometimes your thought processes may become clouded due to your reality being questioned, or due to lack of sleep. It can be a challenge to absorb what you are learning in counseling if you are feeling really worn out. It may be difficult to even summon up enough energy to attend your counseling session. Antidepressant medication can help you feel less “clouded” and may help you sleep better. When you don’t get enough sleep, it can really do a number on your brain and body. Just getting a good night’s rest can reduce some anxiety and depression symptoms. Side effects of antidepressants include dry mouth and nausea.

MEDITATION

Meditation is another powerful tool for working with your gaslighting experiences, thoughts, and behaviors. It has been found to improve our positive feelings toward others and ourselves. Meditation is focusing on your breath. At its most basic, the goal of meditation is to spend some quiet time with your thoughts, not to empty your mind—even people who have been meditating for years find that difficult to do. The goal is just to notice yourself inhaling and exhaling.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness is a type of meditation that has become very popular. Mindfulness is used in both DBT and ACT. You read about its use in ACT earlier in this chapter. With other “focused” forms of meditation, you are usually sitting or lying down. With mindfulness practice, distractions are actually welcomed. When you have a distraction or a thought pop into your mind, just acknowledge it and let the thought pass. If it’s important, it will go on your mind’s back burner until you need to retrieve it.

Eating mindfully practice: You may be someone who eats more than you should when you’re upset. You may be used to chomping off big pieces of food and swallowing them almost whole and without even really tasting them, because you tend to be distracted while eating. Being distracted can help us not have to deal with issues and feelings, but those issues are bound to come out in other ways—like overeating. Mindful eating can be especially helpful for you. When you eat mindfully, you just focus on your food—you don’t watch TV, play on your phone, or read something. You chew each piece of food at least ten times and focus on all the sensations—smell, taste, texture, etc.

You can also try eating off a smaller plate. Your brain is easy to fool, and it thinks that when a small plate of food has been eaten, it was just as much food as on a large plate. If you are just focusing on your food, you may realize the food you’re eating you don’t even really like. Many people have started eating healthier proteins and fresh fruits and vegetables once they really started focusing on their food.

You can also practice mindful cooking. You may tend to skip going to the grocery store or cooking your own food because you forget or run out of time. Or you think you don’t like to cook. When you spend time cooking your own food, you usually wind up appreciating it more, eating less, and still feeling satiated or full. You can even turn dishwashing into a mindfulness practice.

Walking mindfulness practice: In his book Peace Is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh (1992) describes a walking mindfulness practice. You walk at a slower pace than usual. When you put your foot down, focus on how your feet feel on the earth, and how the sun and breeze feel on your face. If you see something pleasant, like a tree, just stop and observe it. When you put your other foot down, refocus all over again. This is a great practice for someone with a particularly active and jumpy mind.

WHAT IF ALL THESE THINGS DON’T WORK?

Sometimes enough damage has been done by gaslighters and gaslighting behaviors that it can feel like you are stuck and things aren’t going to get better. It’s important to remember that getting better takes time. Your all-or-nothing thinking may be telling you that because a treatment didn’t work right away that there are no more options. That is simply not true.

If you feel that you aren’t making any progress, ask yourself the following questions:

Have I fully committed to getting better? (Sometimes people hold on to old behaviors because they get secondary gains from them. You might be getting attention when you cause drama among your friends and family. You might be feeling a sense of power over being able to manipulate others.)

Have I gone into the treatment with a positive attitude? (Studies have found that if you go into therapy with positive expectations, you are more likely to have a good outcome.)

Keep in mind that treatments aren’t “one size fits all.” A treatment that worked for a friend of yours may not necessarily work for you. It can be frustrating, but once you find a treatment that is a good fit for you, things move along at a pretty good pace.

YOU MADE IT TO THE END

So, you’ve made it through the gaslighting maze. Congratulations! Hopefully you have gained a lot of information on how to cope with people that make your life very difficult (even if that also includes yourself).

One of the best ways to extract yourself from gaslighting is to limit or stop contact with gaslighters. However, in some situations, such as coparenting, this is not an option. In cases where you can’t get away from the gaslighter, it’s important to maintain healthy boundaries, seek out support, and consult mental health and legal professionals for additional help. If you work with or for a gaslighter, remember that there are laws that can protect you if you are harassed.

Gaslighters can wield a lot of power—not just in your family, but also on a national and international level. You learned how gaslighters can quickly turn into dictators and cult leaders, making it virtually impossible to know what is truth and fabricated truth. Having citizens that think independently is the bane of gaslighting leaders, so keep as educated about current events and gaslighting as possible. Gaslighting can be perpetuated by the media—if a news story seems biased or off, it usually is. It is your right to speak out as a concerned citizen, and also make your voice heard through voting.

Hope is eternal—there is always something you can do to make your life circumstances better, regardless of the severity of gaslighting to which you are subjected. Making positive changes—such as getting away from the gaslighter, setting boundaries, and speaking out—may not be easy at first, but the benefits of greater peace of mind, happier children, and better health are worth it.