DATING RELATIONSHIPS—PART 1:
Love Languages and Your Significant Other
I have met many singles who have given up on dating. They find it to be a road strewn with heartache, physical frustration, misunderstanding, and untold anxiety, all of which add up to a “why bother?” attitude. Yet, for others, the very idea of not dating sounds unnatural. What are the factors that must be considered here?
First, let me remind you that dating is not a universal practice. In many cultures, literate and illiterate alike, the very idea of a guy and a girl arranging a series of times to get together, for whatever purpose, would be considered taboo. These cultures have a long history of many stable marriages. Therefore, dating is not the necessary part of the marriage process that we generally assume it to be.
However, having said that, we must be realistic and admit that dating is a very integral part of Western culture. In fact, some have referred to dating as “America’s Favorite Tribal Custom.” The pitfalls in the system do not mean that the process itself is necessarily evil. On the contrary, it may be one of the most healthy and beneficial social systems in our entire society.
WHAT’S THE POINT?
The reason many singles have failed in the dating game is that they have never clearly understood their objectives. If you ask a group of singles, “Why are you dating?” the answers would range all the way from “to have a good time” to “to find a mate.” In some general sense we know that the end of all of this may lead us to marriage, but we are not clear as to other specific objectives. Let me list a few and suggest that you add to the list as you give thought to your own personal objectives.
1. Develop Wholesome Interactions with the Opposite Sex
One of the purposes of dating is to get to know members of the opposite sex and to learn to relate to them as individual people. Half of the world is made up of the opposite sex. If I fail to learn the art of building wholesome relationships with “the other half,” I have immediately and considerably limited my horizons. God made us male and female, and it is His desire that we relate to each other as fellow creatures who share His image. Our differences are numerous, but our basic needs are the same. If we are to serve people, which is life’s highest calling, then we must know them—male and female. Relationships cannot be built without some kind of social interaction. In Western culture, dating provides the setting for such interaction.
One of our chief stumbling blocks to healthy dating relationships is that we have been trained to view each other as sex objects. Over fifty years ago, psychologist Erich Fromm wrote, “What most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”1 Today this perception of others as sex objects has become deeply ingrained in our thinking.
For some single women, their unspoken (or maybe even spoken) lifestyle objective is to “turn the heads” of the men they encounter. And many men are happy to turn their heads. Many also proceed further and give their attention to the wide array of pornographic materials that are now readily available anywhere there is an Internet connection. These individuals often find themselves addicted to this impersonal, disconnected perception of members of the opposite sex. When this becomes a fixed perception, then one ceases in the truest sense to be human. He or she becomes like an animal playing with his toys or allowing one’s self to be a toy with which another animal plays.
2. Learn about the Person, Personality, and Philosophy
Dating provides an opportunity to break down the perceptions of each other that the world has built up, and to learn to see others as persons rather than objects. It is in dating that we can learn names, personalities, and philosophies. These are the qualities of personhood. The name identifies us as a unique person. The personality reveals the nature of our uniqueness. And the philosophy reveals the values by which we live our lives. All of these are discovered, not as we stand back and view each other as objects, but as we come close and begin to interact more personally with each other.
It is in dating that we discover every woman has a mother and a father, and so does every man. Known or unknown, living or dead, our parents have influenced us and thus profoundly affected who we are. We are all connected with our past. In the dating relationship, we have the potential for excavating these roots. Every person has a personal history that has also greatly influenced him or her. In the context of dating, these histories are shared.
Our society increasingly pushes us to live in cocoons of cubicles, attached garages and high-rise condos, earbuds or headphones, and lonely (non-carpool lane) commutes. This isolation has brought us to growing levels of loneliness, emptiness, and sometimes desperation. However, this isolation need not be a permanent prison. Dating is an acceptable way of breaking out of isolation and connecting with others.
Abby, a very reserved, almost shy single, did not date in high school and only dated twice in college. However, upon graduation and landing her first job, she began to attend a singles group in a local church. She took the opportunity to go out for dessert with a smaller group and in this context met Brent. They had been dating for three months when Abby said to me, “I don’t know why I waited so long to start dating. It feels so good to be getting to know someone else and letting him know me.” Abby has taken a giant step in getting to know someone as a person.
3. See Our Own Strengths and Weaknesses
A third purpose of dating is to aid in the development of one’s own personality. All of us are in process. Someone once suggested to me that we ought to wear signs around our necks reading: “Under Construction.”
As we relate to others in the dating context, we begin to exhibit various personality traits. This provokes healthy self-analysis and brings greater self-understanding. We recognize that some traits are more desirable than others. We come to see our own strengths and weaknesses. The acknowledgment of a weakness is the first step toward growth.
All of us have strengths and weaknesses in our personalities. No one is perfect. Maturity is not flawlessness. However, we are never to be satisfied with our present status of development. If we are overly withdrawn, we cannot minister freely to others. If, on the other hand, we are overly talkative, we may overwhelm those we would like to help. Relating to someone in a dating relationship has a way of letting us see ourselves and cooperate in God’s plan of growth for our lives.
A number of years ago, a very talkative young man said to me, “I never realized how obnoxious I was until I dated Maria. She talks all the time, and it drives me up the wall.” The light had dawned; his eyes were opened. In Maria he saw his own weakness and was mature enough to take steps toward growth.
For him this meant curbing his speech and developing his listening skills. His was a prescription written in the first century by one of the apostles in the early Christian church: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”2 What we dislike in others is often a weakness in our own lives. Dating can help us see ourselves realistically.
Changing personality weaknesses is not always easy. Abby, whom we met earlier, realized that her shyness was detrimental in building relationships with others. Upon graduation from college, she decided to get personal counseling. It was here that she gained the insight and encouragement to take steps in the right direction. The first of those was to attend a singles group at a local church. The second was to push herself to go out with a smaller group for dessert. What was more difficult for Abby was learning how to share her ideas in that small group, talk about herself, and let people know about her college experience and her present vocation.
It took about six months for her to develop the courage to ask Brent over for dinner, which was the first step in developing their relationship.
Once they started dating, Abby sensed that Brent was someone she could trust. With encouragement from her counselor, she began to share with Brent the details of her history. His interest in listening encouraged her to proceed. In the early stages, her counselor encouraged her to write down the things that she would tell Brent that night and the questions she would ask him about his life. By writing it down beforehand, Abby had the courage to follow through. Change takes effort, but it is effort well invested.
4. Practice Serving Others
A fourth purpose of dating is that it provides an opportunity to serve others. History is replete with examples of men and women who discovered that humanity’s greatest contribution is in giving to others. Who does not know of Mother Teresa? Her name is synonymous with service. In Africa there was Albert Schweitzer, and in India, Mohandas Gandhi. Most people who have studied the life of Jesus of Nazareth agree that His life can be summarized by His simple act of washing the feet of His disciples. He Himself said, “[I] did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give [My] life as a ransom for many.”3 He instructed His followers, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.”4 True greatness is expressed in serving.
I do not mean to convey the idea that dating should be done in a spirit of martyrdom—“Poor ol’ me. I have to do this service as my duty,” or “If I serve this guy, maybe he will like me.” Ministry (serving) is different from martyrdom. Ministry is something we do for others, whereas martyrdom is something others bring upon us.
Dating is always a two-way street. Certainly we receive something from the relationship, but we are also to be contributing to the life of the person we are dating. Immeasurable good could be accomplished if we could see service as one of the purposes of dating. Many a reserved fellow could be “drawn out” by the wise questions of a dating partner. Many a hothead could be calmed by the truth spoken in love.
Taking ministry seriously may change your attitude toward dating. You have been trained to “put your best foot forward” so that the other person will be impressed by you. So you may have been reluctant to speak to your partner’s weaknesses, fearing he or she would walk away from you. Genuine service demands that we speak the truth in love. We do not serve each other by avoiding one another’s weaknesses.
Fortunately, not all of our service involves pointing out the weaknesses of our dating partners. Often we help them simply by listening as they share their struggles. Empathetic listening is an awesome medication for the hurting heart. Jim was dating Tricia when her father died of a heart attack. They had only been dating a few weeks, but Jim sensed that she wanted him to be with her. So he sat with the family for the memorial service and accompanied Tricia to the burial. The next few weeks he often asked her questions about her father and let her talk freely of her memories.
In doing this, Jim was helping Tricia work through the grief that so deeply pained her. Had they not been dating, he would not have had this opportunity to serve, which was extremely helpful for Tricia.
5. Discover the Person We Will Marry
Another obvious purpose of dating is to help us discover the kind of person we will marry. As noted earlier, in some cultures marriages are arranged. Contracts are drawn up between respective families. The choice is made on the basis of social, financial, or religious considerations. The couple is supposed to develop love once they are married. In Western culture, the process is left to the individuals involved. Frankly, I prefer this process. Dating is designed to help us gain a realistic idea of the kind of person we need as a marriage partner.
Dating people with differing personalities gives us criteria for making wise judgments. Someone who has limited dating experience may, after marriage, be plagued with thoughts like: “What are other women/men like?” or “Would I have had a better marriage with another type of mate?” These questions may come to all couples, especially when there is trouble in the marriage. But the individual who looks back on a well-rounded social life before marriage is better equipped to answer these questions. He is not as likely to build a dreamworld, because experience has taught him that all of us are imperfect.
What could be more difficult than finding someone with whom we can live in harmony and fulfillment for the next fifty years? The variables are great. The old idea is that opposites attract. There is truth to that, but opposites may also repel. That is why couples can be so attracted before marriage and so disillusioned afterward. The reality is, the more similar we are, the fewer conflicts we will have. Similarity is especially important when it comes to the bigger issues of life: values, spirituality, morals, whether or not to have children, how many children to have, and vocational goals. Dating provides the context for exploring answers to these questions and determining our suitability for marriage.
WHAT ABOUT THE LOVE LANGUAGES?
Probably you’ve noticed that up until now we haven’t discussed love as an element in the dating process. The reason for that should be obvious. Genuine love interfaces with all the ideas we have discussed about dating. An attitude of love should motivate you to want to relate to others as persons rather than objects, to develop your own personality so you can reach your potential for good in the world, and to serve your dating partner and seek to encourage that person to reach his/her potential. In seeking a mate, love is the foundational motivation, which doesn’t just lead to a wedding, but to a successful marriage.
If this is true, then learning to express love in a language your dating partner will understand becomes critical. When the dating partner feels loved, he or she is much more likely to be open to an authentic relationship. Your dating relationships will be enhanced if you learn to speak the primary love language of the person you are dating.
THE DAWN OF A NEW DATING ERA
Although the way people date has constantly changed over the decades, the Internet has opened new doors that previous generations would never have been able to imagine. Computers, cellphones, texting, social media, and online dating have completely changed the way we get to know someone of the opposite sex and develop relationships with them. It’s important to understand that even though this technology shift changes a lot in the way that we date someone, it doesn’t change the ways in which we love and the languages we use to communicate love.
We haven’t talked much about nontraditional relationships, relationships formed online and long-distance relationships, but it’s clear that they are quickly becoming more and more traditional as communicating from opposite ends of the globe becomes easier and easier.
I get a lot of questions from single people about how to communicate love languages through the Internet. Obviously, gifts and words of affirmation are easier to speak across distances. For speaking the languages of quality time, physical touch, and acts of service, you’re going to have to get a little more creative.
Quality time will have to take on a new meaning in your relationship. This now may have to translate to meaningful phone or Skype conversations, letters, and emails, encouraging each other, sending gifts, and other ways to make contact special. Remember that another important component of quality time is undivided attention. You can still communicate this over distances.
Physical touch is harder to communicate long-distance, but it’s still possible. Having physical items that belong to your significant other can remind you of each other. In your conversations and contact, communicate how much you enjoy being with your significant other. It will also go a long way to make comments like, “If I were with you now, I’d give you a big hug.”
Same with acts of service: a large component of this love language is how much the thoughtfulness of the act means to the person being served. This means that communicating specifically what you wish you could do for your significant other if you could be with them will mean the world to them. It tells them you care, you’re thinking of them, and you want to be involved in their daily life. Also, as you are in contact, listen for cues on ways you can serve your significant other, even from far away.
Online dating and long-distance dating are not the most convenient ways to get close to someone. However, you can still develop a meaningful and lasting relationship as long as you get creative in the ways you communicate. Don’t give up on speaking someone’s love language just because it’s hard. Your effort will speak louder and clearer than you can possibly imagine. (For more about online dating, see page 237.)
GETTING REAL: HANNAH AND CALEB
Hannah and Caleb met each other near the end of their freshman year in college and had been dating for about two and a half years. They were both seniors and were contemplating graduate school. They were also talking seriously about their relationship.
“I feel like we are losing something,” Caleb told me. “Our relationship has always been good, but it’s like the excitement is gone. At one time we had talked about getting married after graduation, but now we’re not sure. If you’ve got time, we’d like to sit down and talk with you about it.”
Two weeks later, Hannah and Caleb came to my office. After spending an hour listening to their story, it seemed like they were a couple who had the foundation for a lasting relationship. But to check out my own perceptions I suggested that they take a personality inventory. Such inventories involve answering a series of questions in private. The inventories are then scored and a counselor interprets the results. Caleb and Hannah agreed, and when their profile came back, it indicated that they were highly compatible in all the basic areas required for a stable marriage.
With this information in hand, I explained to them what I thought had happened in their relationship. I reviewed the nature of the “in love” experience: how it begins with the “tingles” and develops into an emotional obsession where the person is viewed through rose-colored glasses and appears to be perfect. I reminded them that this is one of the highest emotional experiences ever between two people. I also reminded them that it is temporary—gone within two years. When we come off this emotional obsession, we begin to view each other in more realistic terms. We see their weaknesses as well as their strengths. We realize they are not perfect. This is when the couple begins to feel like love is slipping away from them.
Now they must be much more intentional in their behavior. The “in love” stage of marriage requires little effort. In fact, “falling in love” was not a conscious choice. Whatever we do in the “in love” state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. The long phone calls we make to each other, the money we spend traveling to see each other, the gifts we give, and the ridiculous work projects we do are nothing to us. As the instinctual nature of a bird dictates the building of a nest, so the instinctual nature of the “in love” experience pushes us along in our euphoria. But when the euphoria has run its course, we must take responsibility for our behavior. Love, at this point, becomes a choice.
This is where knowledge of the five love languages becomes exceedingly important. If we understand the five fundamental languages of love, and understand that each of us speaks a different one, then we can become intentional in expressing love to our dating partner. When we do this, they continue to feel our love even though the euphoria and distorted thinking of the “in love” stage has vanished.
I also shared with Hannah and Caleb that this is the stage in a relationship where we can more easily take an honest look at the important factors in our relationship: values, morals, spirituality, vocational goals, and marriage. I reminded them that both my perception of their relationship and the results shown on the personality inventory indicated they had strong similarities in all the basic areas required for a solid marital relationship.
“Obviously, it’s not my call as to whether you continue your relationship,” I said. “That is something only the two of you can decide, but I do think you have the foundation for a lifelong relationship. If you can discover and speak each other’s primary love language, you will rediscover the spark in your relationship.” I could tell they were up for the challenge.
Three months later they stopped by my office, not for counseling, but to share with me that they were now engaged and planning to be married after graduation. “The love languages worked for us,” Caleb said. “The spark is back, and we know we want to get married.”
Hannah added, “We shared your love language book with my parents, and we’ve seen the spark return to their marriage. Thanks so much for taking time with us.”
“Send me an invitation to the wedding,” I said. “If I’m free, I’ll come.”
TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY?
The experience of “falling in love” is not a foundation for a happy marriage. It is highly possible to be “in love” with someone you should not marry. In fact, you will probably feel the “tingles” for almost everyone you date. It is the “tingles” that motivate us to want to spend time with the other person. As you date, sometimes the “tingles” dissipate quickly, and the relationship never gets off the ground. On the other hand, the “tingles” may develop into the emotional obsession I am calling the experience of “falling in love.” None of this requires much effort or thought. All you did was show up, and the emotions took over. However, a marital relationship designed to last a lifetime requires more than these euphoric, obsessive feelings.
A Time to Talk about the Real Stuff
We must not allow the euphoria to blind us from seeing the glaring differences between us on the fundamental issues. That is why I have emphasized such things as values, morals, spirituality, social interests, vocational visions, and the desire or lack of desire to have children. Dating provides the context for serious discussion about these issues if we are not blinded by the exhilaration of it all. If we are too far apart on these fundamental issues, we should be wise enough to express appreciation for the contribution made to the other’s life and then go our separate ways. To marry in the height of the “in love” euphoria and ignore these more fundamental issues is to set one’s self up for a painful and difficult marriage.
Lindsey was wise enough to see this. She and her fiancé, Marcus, were assigned the responsibility during a conference of taking me to dinner one evening. In the course of our conversation she shared with me how helpful The 5 Love Languages had been to her. “I had been dating another guy for about a year before I met Marcus,” she said. “I really felt loved. I guess maybe I was ‘in love’ with him. But when Marcus came along, there was something different about him. It wasn’t so much the emotions. I admired who he was. I admired his character and the way he invested his life working with troubled kids at the local boys’ club.
“After we started dating, it bothered me that I didn’t have the same emotional feelings for him that I had for my former boyfriend. He was much more the kind of person I wanted to marry, but I couldn’t figure why I was still having such strong feelings for the other guy. Then one day I was reading your book on love languages. My mother had loaned me her copy. It was written for married couples, but it made sense to me.
“When I finished reading, it dawned on me that my love language was physical touch, and the reason I still had feelings for my former boyfriend was that he was a toucher. He would put his arm around me at movies. He would hold my hand every time we got out of the car to go somewhere. He would hug me and kiss me every time we parted, whereas Marcus was not a toucher. At least at that stage in our relationship, he was not touching me very much.
“I guess he didn’t want the physical part of our relationship to become the main thing, so he was holding back. And I was not feeling emotionally close to him. When we talked about it and Marcus explained why he was not being more physically responsive, I appreciated his efforts to hold back on physical touching until we got to know each other better.
“Of course, now he’s touching me,” she said, laughing. “My love tank is running over.”
“I always wanted to touch her,” Marcus said. “In the past I had relationships where physical touch was about all we had in common. I didn’t want that to be true in this relationship. I wanted to get to know her as a person and make sure that we had real interest in each other.”
A Commitment to Core Beliefs
“I really appreciate that about him,” Lindsey said. “The more I got to know him, the more I knew he was the kind of person I wanted to marry. When the touches finally came, I knew that he was the one I wanted to hug and kiss me for the rest of my life. That’s why I said yes when he asked me to marry him.”
Good marriages are built on a combination of emotional love and a common commitment to a core of beliefs about what is most important and what we wish to do with our lives. Speaking each other’s primary love language creates the emotional climate where these beliefs can be fleshed out in daily life.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
As you reflect upon your present and past dating relationships, answer the following questions:
1. To what degree did I view him or her as a person rather than an object?
2. How well did I discover their personality, history, values, morals, and spiritual beliefs?
3. What discoveries did I make about myself in this dating relationship?
4. What positive changes did I make?
5. In what ways did I help my dating partner?
6. How well did I do in empathetic listening and in confronting weaknesses?
7. Why did I decide to marry or not marry this person?
8. If we had known each other’s primary love language, what difference might this have made in our relationship?