Impulsive behaviors in teens can range from the goofy to the dangerous:
 | going out tee-peeing after curfew |
| | hitting the guy who sits in front of him with a book |
| | burning hair off his arms |
| | getting in a car with a cute guy she don’t know |
| | sticking her finger into an outlet |
| | riding a skateboard into a tree |
If your teen does any of these impulsive behaviors, don’t ask, “What were you thinking?” You already know the answer. If your teen had thought about it, he may or may not have done what he did.
Defining the Problem
You might recall from chapter 11, “Teens Think Differently,” that the rational parts of the teen brain are less mature than the emotional and reactive parts, so teens have poorer judgment and impulse control. At the same time, their hormones are intense and strong, and they have feelings they have not had before. Adolescents are becoming more powerful, more curious, and more interested in trying out new things as they develop their own identity and place in the world. This is an unstable combination, at least for a time.
Impulsiveness is a sign of life. It signals that your adolescent has emotions and that she wants to experience life, take risks, and be present. In fact, a teen who doesn’t have impulses may be struggling with detachment or depression. Adolescence is the time for impulses. So if your teen’s impulsive behavior is sporadic and not serious, it’s normal and nothing to worry about.
However, not all impulsivity is normal. When your teen’s impulsive behavior interferes with relationships, family, tasks, school, or life, it is a problem. If it is getting in the way, or if it is harmful and not improving on its own, you need to help your teen.
Many of the problems we deal with in this book are impulsive in nature: aggressive behavior, violence, sexually acting out, drug use, and verbal outbursts. Don’t assume your teen will grow out of these things. Many impulse-ridden adults are enslaved to their behaviors and have never grown out of them. Your teen needs your support and your structure to move her out of reacting and into using sound judgment.
Handling the Problem
Here are some ways you can help a teen whose impulsive behaviors need reining in.
Distinguish between impulsive behavior and character. First, realize that pure impulses are, by definition, thoughtless. They don’t have a real and deliberate intention to them. They just are, like spontaneous combustion. But character issues are different. They do have thought and intention. A teen may be alienated, insecure, afraid, angry, or even cruel. He may not be able to express the words, but you can see them on his face and in his actions.
Some impulsive behaviors, such as the ones listed at the beginning of this chapter, can be silly or reckless, and others, such as violence, substance abuse, and sexual acting out, have more to do with character. As a parent, you need to pay attention to both types of impulsive behavior so that you can address any deeper issues along with the behaviors.
For example, suppose your kid is drinking. You have caught him several times, and you are now dealing with a big problem. Several things could be going on. He may be drinking because he craves the acceptance of his peers. Or he may be pushing against you and your rules. Or it could be that he feels entitled to do whatever he wants.
Combine any of these motivations with a vulnerability to impulses, and it is easy to understand the drinking. So don’t just deal with the behavior. Make sure you are also helping your teen in his inner world.
Bring the problem into the relationship. As always, talk to your adolescent about her behavior. Let her know you are connected to her, even as erratic as she is being, and that you are not going anywhere. Make her aware of this problem, so that she has words and concepts to understand what she is doing. For example, you might say something like this: “I think you are pretty impulsive, and it is causing you some problems. I see it when you yell at me at home and when you get in trouble at school. When you act this way, it distances me and hurts my feelings. I am concerned that this behavior is going to affect you in even more negative ways, so we are going to deal with it and I am going to help you.”
If your teen denies the problem or rejects your help, don’t pay attention. Part of her is scared to death that she is out of control, and she needs someone to step in and help her get control.
Help your teen reflect on the behavior and its costs. Since impulses aren’t connected to thought, bring thought into the scenario. Talk with your kid about what he does and what it costs him. Introduce him to the concept of reflection and judgment so that he sees what it looks like. Since your teen does not yet possess the ability to be reflective and to make sound decisions, he needs to see those things in you so that he can then internalize what he sees you do for him. This is how teens develop such capacities so that one day they can do it for themselves.
For example, you might say, “Remember this afternoon when you yelled at me for asking you to pick up your room? I am not angry about that, and I am not putting you down. But I want to give you a way to do this differently. When I ask you to clean up your room, I don’t want you to say anything immediately. I want you to just listen and then think for a few seconds about what I said. If I’m asking you at a bad time, or if you have a bad feeling about this, then tell me, and we can talk about it. If you think you should clean up, that would be okay too. But I want you to start thinking about thinking, and I want you to notice what you are thinking and feeling.”
If this sounds too abstract for your teen, simplify it. But the goal is to help him to begin taking ownership of his thoughts and feelings. This is the beginning of self-awareness.
Minimize external chaos. Kids who struggle with impulsiveness have a lot going on inside, and they can’t make sense of it. They are internally chaotic. External chaos can exacerbate a kid’s internal chaos. If, for example, your teen experiences you and your spouse having a lot of conflict, he has nowhere good to go with his own chaos. He needs to be living in an environment that is not chaotic. He needs love, support, structure, and order in his outside world.
So keep as much peace as you can around your teen. For instance, have regular mealtimes, keep the house in order, and put your teen on an appropriate sleeping schedule. These types of external structure and order will help him internalize the structure he doesn’t have so that it becomes part of him.
Establish and keep the limits. Not only does your teen need your understanding and empathy regarding her impulsiveness; she needs for you to set boundaries for her. If your teen can’t control her words or aggressive behaviors, don’t ignore them. Such behaviors are not okay. Your teen needs to know that if she continues to do things without thinking, she is choosing to lose something that is important to her, whether it be freedom, social time, privileges, or some gadget. Be clear, and follow through with the consequence.
When kids with impulsivity problems experience appropriate and consistent consequences, they begin to develop the frustration, awareness, and self-control that will ultimately resolve the issue.
Sometimes a teen’s impulses are so beyond him that he just can’t stop his behavior. If you think this is true of your teen, keep in mind that the greater a kid’s impulse problem, the more external care and structure that teen needs. So increase support and structure to the extent of your teen’s impulses. This might mean anything from peer groups to counseling to another environment. (This last suggestion is for extreme situations.) Consult with someone experienced in these matters to help you determine the best course of action for your teen.
You Can Do It!
Self-control is not just a sign of spiritual growth.34 It’s also a sign of maturity. God designed teens to grow out of their enslavement to impulses into a life that he can be in charge of. Your job is to help your teen get on that path.