Parties

Here is a transcript from a recent call I made to one of our kids while he was at a party:

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Dad.”

“Oh, hi. What’s up?”

“I wanted to know if you need to come home early.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yep.”

“Aw, man . . .”

“Pick you up in a few minutes.”

“Come on, Dad . . .”

“See you.”

“Okay, bye.”

This call was in code. “Do I have to?” meant, “Yes, I want to come home now.” If my son had said, “Everything is fine,” that would have meant, “I’m okay. I’ll come home at the regular time.”

From time to time, I will call and check in like this if I have questions about a party my kids are going to. I don’t have enough questions to prohibit them from going, but I do have enough not to be totally relaxed either.

My phone call gives my kid an out if he needs it, but it still allows him to save face with his peers. In this particular instance, some kids had started drinking, and things were getting a little out of hand, and my son wanted to leave. And that is beginning to happen as they mature. That is the ultimate goal.

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. My kids and I have had many conversations in which they strongly wanted to stay, and I insisted they leave. Of course, I would prefer that they could directly tell their friends why they are leaving. But until that happens, I’ll keep making the “mean parent phone call.”

Defining the Problem

The teen party is quite a different entity from the primary school party. The latter is more about birthdays, the end of the school year, cake, and some planned activities. The teen party, however, more closely resembles a college party: it is about being together, music, and no planned activities, at least none that parents will be informed about.

If you have had problems with your adolescent at parties, it is likely that some of the following things have happened. Your teen

	drank or used drugs;
	got sexually involved;
	returned with a defiant attitude;
	left the party and got into trouble; or
	had contact with the wrong people.

These can be serious matters, and you will need to deal with them directly and seriously. Parties can cause an adolescent to regress. Peers, the fun atmosphere, and the lack of a strong adult presence can decrease a teen’s judgment and impulse control.

Some parents don’t allow their teens to go to parties in general because of the risk that their kids will be exposed to alcohol, drugs, and sex. If your teen has shown himself to be vulnerable in these areas, you may want to restrict him from attending parties until he demonstrates more self-control and responsibility.

Do teens need to go to parties in order to develop and mature? Of course not. Teens can become equipped for life without going to a party.

However, it’s also true that safe parties can be meaningful and positive experiences for teens, full of good times, fun, connection, and celebration. Adolescents can learn about and experience helpful things about relationships when they attend good parties. And they will go to parties after they have left home, so it’s much better for them to work out how to deal with them while still living with you.

If you are like most parents, you worry that you can’t monitor events at the party. You know that bad things sometimes do happen at parties and that you will have no control over how your teen chooses to respond if the party becomes unsafe. Will your teen know how to get out if sex, alcohol, or drugs become part of the party? Will he know how to have fun and stay safe?

If you aren’t sure, here are some things you can do to address your concern.

Handling the Problem

In order to maximize the odds that your teen will have safe and relatively sane party experiences, do the following.

Be clear about expectations and consequences. Tell your teen what behavior you require at parties. For example, you might say, “I want you to have fun with your friends. I know I won’t be there to see you, but I still expect you to behave responsibly whether or not I am around.”

Give your teen a few guidelines, some basic rules of conduct you expect your teen to follow, for example:

1.	No alcohol or banned substances
2.	No sexual involvement
3.	No physical aggression
4.	No leaving the site
5.	Adult supervision required

Also, make sure that your teen knows that there will be consequences if she violates these basic rules. Make sure your teen knows that if she chooses not to live out these values, she will lose some privileges, such as phone use and computer time. She may even be banned from parties for a time.

Treat serious problems such as alcohol, drugs, and sexual acting out as issues in their own right. (See chapter 22, “Alcohol, Drugs, and Dependencies,” and chapter 44, “Sexual Involvement.”) You might need to consult a professional about helping your teen.

Talk to the host parents. I learned a long time ago not to buy the line, “Jamie’s mom says it’s okay.” Sometimes such statements are lies; other times they are wishful thinking. Regardless, one of my basic rules of parenting is this: Nothing happens until I talk to the parent. That little rule has saved me many hours of grief. I have met some really nice parents by insisting on this rule, and these parents have always been appreciative of my call.

So call the host parents. Whether or not you know them, talking with them is a good thing. Ask them to tell you a little about the party, because you like for parents to be on the same page. Don’t be weird, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to ask them what is going on.

Here are some questions you might want to ask.

“Can I help?” Ask if you can help supervise or bring food. Your help is often welcome.

“Are you going to be there the whole time and be around the kids?” Sometimes host parents show up and then leave. Other times the parents stay in a different part of the house and never check in on the kids, so their so-called “presence” is useless.

“Are you going to allow drinking?” It’s not a crazy question. Some parents have told me, “They’re going to do it anyway, so it might as well be controlled and safe at my house.” I think that makes as much sense as having condoms available at the party. Anyway, make sure you know the answer to this question.

“Is X or Y coming?” If you have some kids on your red-flag list whom you know are real trouble, find out if they will be there. It doesn’t mean that your teen can’t go, but you need to be informed.

Once you have this information, you may not want to let your teen attend, especially if the host parents won’t be involved. If the answers reassured you, keep in mind that you now have some leverage with your teen. Tell her that a party is a privilege, not a right, and that her behavior in the days before the party will determine whether she attends.

Have a backup plan. Have some arrangement with your teen so that he has a way to back out if he needs to. You might tell your kid to call you if he needs to leave the party early. My wife and I have had to leave dinner early on date night in order to pick up our kids when they called, but it was worth it.

You Can Do It!

Don’t be paranoid, but don’t be in denial about parties either. Teens can have a lot of healthy fun at them. The more parents who require that teen parties be safe, the more safe parties there will be.