Consider the following dialogue:
| Mom: | “You’re letting him do anything he wants.” | |
| Dad: | “You’re too strict with him.” | |
| Mom: | “He needs more discipline and structure.” | |
| Dad: | “He needs more love and encouragement.” | |
| Mom: | “He’s becoming irresponsible and out of control.” | |
| Dad: | “He’s becoming insecure and afraid.” | |
And you thought teenagers had conflicts! The above conversation illustrates a primary problem that results when parents can’t agree on how to parent: split parenting. Rather than doing what they need to do for their teen — put him together — divided parents pull their teen apart.
The Goal of Good Parenting
Adolescents have many internal divisions (I address this more completely in chapter 9). When parents consistently provide teens with warmth and structure, teens become less extreme, impulsive, and moody. In other words, they begin to grow up inside, to become integrated. When parents help their adolescent experience both love and limits in healthy ways, they are helping her bring those internal divisions closer and closer together, until the teen herself becomes integrated and whole.
Of course, no parents agree on everything. But in the best situations, they agree on the most important things and disagree only on styles, preferences, and smaller matters. This is what God intended, but often parents get in the way of God’s design.
When parents are far apart in their values and perceptions of their teen, as in the opening conversation, the teen loses out. She has no one to contain and integrate her internal divisions. Her unifying environment is also split up, so her inner conflicts remain stuck, and can get worse.
It’s natural for teens to try to split their parents. In order to get something they want, they will play one parent against the other. One of our sons did this just the other night. Barbi had told him to go to bed, as he was up too late on a school night. Instead, he walked into my home office and said, “Can you listen to this song I wrote?” He knows I am into music and was hoping that I would get him out of an established limit. Barbi and I are always having to guard against our sons’ attempts to divide us.
If one parent is loving but has poor boundaries, and the other has good boundaries but is not very loving, their teen will likely be undeveloped in her ability to love and to set limits. She will have difficulty being open and vulnerable, taking responsibility, and staying attached in conflict. She will struggle to work through problems. Clearly, the stakes of split parenting are high.
Guidance to Help Your Teen Come Together
If you and your spouse have significant disagreements about your teen, you can begin to resolve your conflicts — and go a long way toward maturing your child — by doing the following.
Agree that your teen comes first. Talk about your conflicting viewpoints, and agree to work on your differences by doing what’s in the best interest of your teen. Your kid has to come first. Only you, the parents, can give him the tools he will need to survive. Protect your teen, and find a way to agree on love and limits.
Defer to each other’s strengths. Most parents each have an area of strength. Agree that, for your teen’s sake, you will defer to the strengths of the other. For example, if you have difficulty providing clear structure for your teen, you might ask your spouse for help and guidance. Or, if you can’t listen and understand at the emotional levels your child needs, get your spouse involved in the conversation. Have your mate help you not only to parent better, but also to be a better person in general. This is what marriage is about.
Don’t triangulate your teen. Sometimes parents will forget their role and involve their teen in their conflicts with each other. This is called triangulation, and it can be devastating for the teen, because triangulation keeps kids from growing or changing in healthy ways.
Triangulation leads to all kinds of problems, such as one parent indulging the teen with privileges, freedom, and gifts as a way of stealing the kid’s love from the other parent. The other parent reacts by using too much strictness and discipline in order to prove the spouse’s indulgent approach wrong.
If you and your spouse are triangulating, stop. Agree to work out your differences. Consult a third party — such as a friend, pastor, or counselor — if the triangulation continues.
If one is resistant, stay balanced. Parenting differences are not always 50 – 50, in which both sides need to meet halfway. Often the ratio is more like 70 – 30, because one parent is more off-balance than the other. This isn’t a hopeless situation. I have seen many spouses grow through this problem because they were humble and willing to change.
However, if your spouse is off-balance and unwilling to see how this affects your teen, take action and address this issue with your spouse. Lovingly point out that your mate’s parenting style is negatively affecting your teen. If your spouse remains resistant and extreme, be careful that you don’t overcompensate for the imbalance. In other words, if your spouse is too strict, don’t give in to the temptation to be lenient.
Your teen doesn’t need two crazy parents. At least one of you needs to be integrated. So be a balanced and integrated parent. Be full of love and reality, fun and diligence, warmth and truth. If you are, your teen will be internalizing health every time she is around you. You are making “deposits” in your kid’s heart and life that are sound and loving. In times to come, she will be able to draw on those deposits and use them for comfort, encouragement, wisdom, and hope.
For Your Kid’s Sake
God designed parenting to be executed by a mom and a dad who love each other and their children and who support each other’s parenting, make up for each other’s limitations, and correct each other’s mistakes. It is a very good system when it works as planned.
So work together to become united rather than divided parents. After all, you are your teen’s most important guide for how life is supposed to be lived. Kids do best when their parents stand together. Give your teen what he needs.