Instead of running for the hills after each exposure event—which, of course, would feel liberating—we have follow-up work to do. To give each agenda item closure and maximize its learnings, we must reflect upon and capture its play-by-play. Have you ever watched the Winter Olympics and observed a skier rehearsing the turns and twists of the slope before launching a downhill run? We are going to perform a similar exercise but after each exposure episode, recording each gradient of the rise and fall of our thoughts and feelings, emotional and physical. As contemporaneously with the event as possible, grab your reflection notebook or journal, or if you still prefer the technological approach, open a new file on your computer, tablet, or phone. Note, however, that, as we discussed in Chapter 10, the physical act of writing—transporting thoughts from brain to hand to pen to paper—can be more internally impactful than typing.
For each type of exposure event, note the following:
For the first several exposure events, or maybe throughout your entire first exposure agenda, the subsidence of the mental and physical stress manifestations might not occur until you settle into this reflection period, escaping the watching eyes of the classroom, the office, or the courtroom. This is fine. Remember that the difference between “just do it” and “just be it” is intention, awareness, and reflection. Naturally, anxiety or adrenalin still might loiter while you are in the presence of your audience, so the return to a calm mindset might need to occur in a different geographical location: the privacy of your library carrel, law office, home, or car. Give yourself the gift of some time to reflect after each event before rushing off to the next class, appointment, meeting, or social interaction. Notice how and when your mind and body return to a relaxed state.
In this reflection period, you are not making judgments about overall success or failure; you simply are considering what aspects of your pre-game and game-day plans are working and what could use more fine-tuning. Remember, this “just be it” process is not an overnight quick fix, but it does work—with patience and determination. It took me two years of background research, and then doggedly working through the self-study of a few exposure agendas to finally feel authentic when I give a speech, negotiate a contract, teach a class, or debate a legal issue. I still experience setbacks, such as extreme blushing even in the absence of anxiety, and must remind myself of the mission: “just be it.” As you work your exposure agenda, examine each incremental step, adjust the program as needed, and celebrate achievements along the way. Acknowledge what aspects of interpersonal interaction start to feel more comfortable, and be honest about what facets do not. Once you finish each event, rejoice! Reward yourself: a great meal, a gift or talisman, a concert, new shoes, an adventure. At the end of your first exposure agenda, design your next one!
CONTINUE TO REINVENT AND CULTIVATE YOUR AUTHENTIC LAWYER PERSONA
After you conquer each exposure agenda, reflect on the type of law student or lawyer you already have become and who you want to be in the future. Continuously craft and hone your individual lawyer persona. Yours will differ from mine. Be you. Bosses, mentors, peers, and family might persist in advising you to change who you fundamentally are or “fake it till you make it.” Be mindful that, despite their best intentions for you, they likely have not done this work. They might not know the science. They often confuse the labels. I met up with a long-time friend—a quintessential extrovert—for spaghetti in Little Italy in New York City and exuberantly shared my passion for championing introversion in the law. He responded, “But you’re not an introvert.” Sigh. Seriously?
When two law firm partners I have known for a long time recently told me—with zero empathy—that I needed to “stop being so academic” in my analytical process (even though I had been researching and writing briefs professionally—and successfully—in a non-academic setting for two decades), schmooze more at networking conferences, and “grow a thicker skin,” I finally thought, “Actually, I don’t.” I’m a thinker. I’m a writer. I’m a teacher. I try to be thoughtful, and mindful of others. I care about people: my students, my colleagues, my clients, my friends, people in other countries I don’t know, you. I respect the power of the law, and the written word. Just because I resist fighting with opposing counsel for the sole sake of fighting does not mean I won’t write a strong advocacy piece and win. Just because I endeavor to see the human side of my clients and adversaries does not make me weak. As you know by now, in my law practice, my clients built physical structures—bridges, tunnels, assisted-living facilities, hospitals, apartment complexes, malls, power plants. If I could help my clients focus on constructing, creating, and developing rather than fighting, tearing down, and embattling, that was the type of litigator I wanted to be. We can be both strong advocates and thoughtful, mindful, ethical analysts and counselors, actively listening to clients (and opponents) and collaboratively developing creative legal and non-legal solutions to problems. In doing so, we just might save all parties thousands of dollars, months or years of unnecessary stress, or further loss.
There will be many people in the legal profession who will not understand our quietude, and who will think—based on stereotypes—that there is no role for people like us in the law. Let’s prove them wrong. Work your exposure agenda. Then, work another one. Make nips, tucks, and adjustments in your plan. Use your quiet lawyering skills at every opportunity. Continue to envision yourself as an effective advocate because of your quietude, because of your ability to listen, think, problem-solve, and test the strengths and weaknesses of ideas before sharing your thoughts through the power of legal writing or your mindful spoken voice. Be authentic in law school—in lecture classes, small seminar courses, group work, study sessions, and oral arguments. Be yourself in law offices—interacting with senior and junior attorneys, with tough and gentle clients, with difficult and cooperative opposing counsel, with challenging and even-keeled judges, and before juries. As you imagine your life and career as a quiet lawyer, remember Tanner’s advice: “To learn to speak does not necessitate learning to be talkative.”413 Be quiet when you want or need to be. Close your office door to work, and then open it again when you are ready to share. Be a thinker. Be a writer. When you’re overstimulated and crave downtime, replenish. Your hard work and integrity will shine bright. Most importantly, your legal career will be more personally enjoyable in the long run. The greater number of quiet lawyers whom we encourage to set an example of living authentic lives, the healthier our legal profession will become. Be you. Change the profession, and impact our legal system, nation, and world.
ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT
It is important to honor the reality that anxiety tied to introversion, shyness, or social anxiety in the legal context can be overwhelming, and tackling it might at times require the assistance of a professional counselor. As I previously mentioned in Chapter 5, my painful bouts of introvert-triggered and shyness-driven anxiety toward interpersonal interaction in academia, law practice, and my personal life prompted me to seek therapy from four different licensed counselors during particularly harrowing phases and traumatic life transitions over a 15-year period. These experts helped me confront personal challenges—relationship, family, and professional seismic shifts—many rooted or steeped in shame. Simultaneously, I invested a substantial amount of time on my own, reading piles of books about introversion, shyness, and social anxiety, all listed in this book’s bibliography. Having gotten nowhere by “just doing it”—beating myself up within high-level academic and professional performance events and expecting supreme Nietzsche-esque results (“That which does not kill us makes us stronger”)414—instead, I finally allowed myself to “just be it.” Integrating and synthesizing the advice of my therapists and the many expert authors referenced herein, I undertook the hard and sometimes scary work of identifying the historical messages I absorbed, assumed were true, and then replayed on a loop in my head for two decades. I jettisoned those falsities, crafted new forward-thinking messages, embraced my blushing as part of me, and adopted a plethora of exercise programs to strengthen my physique and mind. I quit high-paying and lower-paying jobs that were either toxic or undermining my self-worth. I stepped away from unhealthy relationships with friends, colleagues, and bosses that reinforced internal messages that my natural tendencies toward quiet, solitude, and reflection are wrong. Every day, I continue to strive to honor who I am and not feel pressure to morph into someone else’s idea of whom or what I should be. It’s not a perfect life, but it often is wildly fabulous.
SHARE YOUR STORY AND HELP OTHERS
If you are an introverted, shy, or socially anxious law student or lawyer, hopefully by now, you realize you are not alone, and in fact, there are possibly thousands of us across the country, and probably the world. We must help each other. In the competitive, often-antagonistic, and adversarial but potentially transformational legal environment, we can foster a community of collaborative empowerment and inclusion. As you grow through your exposure agendas incrementally, amplifying your authentic lawyer voice, keep track of what worked for you. Each of our personal voyages will be different. If we construct a network to share tools and techniques for serving the legal industry as quiet but effective counselors-at-law, we can embolden others who have not yet discovered their gifts. In your legal arena, keep an eye out for quiet individuals who struggle. Encourage them to be themselves. Reassure them that they have the right to quietude, and yes, they do deserve to be in law school or law practice. We need them. Validate that they have something to say, and should express it in their own way, when they are ready.
If you meet college students who are considering law school but confide concerns about being introverted, shy, or socially anxious, relay your story. Mentor a law student, or a junior attorney. Peel away one layer of their worry. Start a small group of quiet lawyers to share ideas and techniques for overcoming trepidation toward interpersonal interactions, command performances, or public speaking scenarios in the legal context. Share your exposure agenda and what you learned along the way. Blog about your experiences. Write about your personal expedition in bar association journals. We can improve our world by being vulnerable, admitting to others that we have grappled with this goliath, and serving as an example that we can do anything to which we aspire. I would love to hear about your odyssey as I continue along mine, achieve triumphs, and encounter hurdles and unexpected detours. Please share your story at heidi@theintrovertedlawyer.com. Together, we can change the legal profession forever.
When you become quiet, it just dawns on you.
Thomas Edison