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When first introduced, online dating was a hush-hush humiliation for the pioneering few who clandestinely indulged in it. During that primitive period of romance, I remember asking one happy couple where they’d met. After an anxious change of glances, the wife nervously sputtered, “Well, it was, er, umm, at . . .” Her quick-thinking husband squeezed her hand and deftly jumped in, “Oh, I happened to see her picture and knew immediately I had to meet her.” He didn’t say where he’d seen it! Now, however, online dating is standard operating procedure for finding love and may soon be responsible for the majority of meetings. When today’s babies reach teenhood, they might ask, “What were singles’ bars?”
If the term computer dating still holds cringe-worthy associations for you, tell your hippocampus to banish the bad connotations. Dating sites are not just populated by cave trolls. Millions of single, divorced, and widowed fabulous folks are sincere love seekers just like you, and it may be just a click away.
Because information on writing a profile is plastered all over the web, and I promised to give you information that is found in few, if any, other places, I’ll concentrate primarily on your picture. That’s where the Chemistry starts.
Gentlemen, a Huntress studies your face on the screen through her crystal ball to unearth what type of guy you are. Because she’ll read between the lines on your face, choose a photo that shows character, not just a handsome guy. If wisdom is her big turn-on, she’ll search for intelligence in your eyes. If she values a sense of humor, she’ll look for credible laugh lines, not just a grimace for the camera. In the “Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction” category, researchers found that women can determine whether a guy wants kids just by looking at a picture of his face!1
A good haircut is a big draw. You don’t need to go to a stylist who charges by the follicle, but forget your neighborhood barber who moonlights as a butcher. The Journal of Social Behavior and Personality discovered that glasses can be an asset for men.2 When asked why, women responded, “They make him look more intelligent.” The female mind doesn’t stop there. Glasses are also a “fashion statement.” Are your frames up to date, meaning are you an au courant type of guy? Are they the right ones for your facial shape, meaning are you smart enough to make the right choices in life?
And, of course, your skin must scream “good genes.” Gentlemen, here’s a “You’ve got to be kidding” moment, but hang in there. To prove to her that you’ve got all-class genes, furtively slip into the cosmetic aisle of a drugstore to buy a gooey skin-colored product called “concealer.” Just before the photo, lock your bathroom door and smear concealer on any pimples, rashes, broken capillaries, canker sores, large pores, or any other blight on your otherwise perfect face. (Do you think there is a newscaster, actor, or rock star alive who doesn’t wear a little guy-liner while facing a camera or crowd?)
Four photos are optimal. More, you look vain. Less, the ladies can’t see enough to make a considered choice. Final caution: Never post a self-taken shot of you in the bathroom mirror. That says, “I don’t have a friend in the world, not even one I can talk into taking my picture.”
Gentlemen, your garb represents a possible future lifestyle to your Quarry. Does she see herself on the arm of a business tycoon in a suit, a surgeon in scrubs, a jock in a football uniform, or a casual fun-loving guy in jeans? Give the lady fodder for her fantasies.
If you select the “I’m a nice, regular guy” image, which is probably the best choice, follow the guidelines in Chapter 3 on clothing. The whole “ensemble” should look casually coordinated, perhaps a bit costly. Depending on your age and lifestyle, gentlemen, one shot in a suit doesn’t hurt. It makes you look more successful professionally.
Yes, gentlemen, the job in your profile makes big difference.3 To cover your bets, unless you have controlling interest in all creation, some men told me they had more success listing a generic category (i.e., “business,” “the arts,” etc.) than stating their specific job. Some of you really hot-looking dudes might be asking, “What about one shirtless shot showing my rippling muscles and ripped abs?” No, that is way beyond cheesy as a choice. Your biceps may show success at the gym, but she’s more interested in your success in life. She figures it’s better that her future kids have a bright daddy than a beefcake daddy.
You may not be aware of it, but Huntresses also scrutinize every megapixel of what’s behind you in your picture. Your surroundings can make her respond/delete decision.4 What’s in the background of your outdoor shot? A battered truck, a motorcycle, a Subaru, or a Mercedes? What about an indoor shot? For some picky Huntresses, the click/no-click decision comes down to curtains, blinds, or stark-naked dirty windows. Whatever is in the background, she’s pondering, “Would I like to live there or ride in that?”
It doesn’t hurt to have another woman in a secondary shot, but only if she’s stunning. A study called, “The Effects of Having a Physically Attractive Partner on Person Perception” confirmed that when a man has a dazzling woman in tow, the world considers him richer, more accomplished, and better looking.5 If you decide to go this route, make sure that all of the woman shows, not part of her cropped out. I’ve seen some pretty lame photos of Hunters with a woman’s hand on his arm, and the rest of her sliced off. Your Quarry subconsciously fears that the next woman he slices out of his life will be her. Alas, our gentle sex reads something into everything.
Chemistry Sparker #13
Photo Tips: Show Character in Your Face and Have an Appealing Background
Make sure the lighting shows character and depth in your face and that you’re not “just another good looking guy.” Don’t forget the touch of concealer to signal, “I have good genes.” Pay extra attention to the background to make her feel, “I’d like to be there with you.”
Girl, let’s say a Hunter writes you a cool message. You write an even cooler one back. You text a bit and then plan to talk. So far, so good. Visions of romance and maybe happily-ever-after dance through your head.
But stop. None of these pleasures will be part of your future if he doesn’t like your cyber image. It’s no news to women that their picture is the primary—probably only—factor that encourages a Hunter to click on their profiles.6 My only ubiquitous recommendation is to make sure it is recent and resembles you somewhat. I mention that merely because a male student in one of my relationship seminars told me that while waiting in a restaurant to meet his online date, a woman vaguely resembling the lady’s picture walked through the restaurant door. He assumed she had sent her mother to apologize for her daughter being unable to keep the date. The rest of the men laughed knowingly. Obviously they had suffered a similar experience.
My regular readers may remember that, for a short while, I ran a modeling agency, and my girls gave me two great photo tips. First, the world’s most photographed women close their eyes for a few seconds between camera clicks to magnify their pupils, making them more attractive. Second, a professional model doesn’t “suck” in her tummy before the camera clicks. She first expels all her breath to slenderize herself—then “pulls” in her tummy and lifts her breasts to “hourglass” herself.
Huntresses sometimes ask me, “Should I hire a professional photographer?” No. Pros are great for wedding albums and business annual reports, but not your online picture. If you’re itching to pay someone to make you look even more beautiful on the site, engage a local makeup artist and say you want natural-looking “makeup for the camera,” which is totally different from what you put on your face for a date.
A client once hired a French makeup artist named Simone to “fix” my face for the cover of one of my audio programs. After an hour of sitting in the chair under bright lights while she futzed with brushes and pencils, pots and goo, I was dying of curiosity. I asked her if I could look in the mirror. Simone shook her head. I thought she was kidding, so I surreptitiously snatched it off the counter. I gasped at the ghoulish face plastered with gobs of makeup staring back at me. Simone pulled the mirror out of my hand, muttering, “Zat ees makeup for zee camera only. It ees completely different.” How right she was! It was the best and most natural-looking photo ever taken of me.
Hunters are not going to analyze your garb so, unless it’s too revealing or too prim, don’t worry about it. However, take a tip from an unusual source, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Researchers showed men pictures of women wearing clothing in a wide variety of colors. Then the questioning began:
“Sir, tell us which women you would like to kiss.”
“Which would you like to have sex with?”
“Which would you be willing to spend a lot of money on?”
In all three cases the winning lady was usually wearing red.7 Why? This sizzling hot hue physically stimulates a faster heartbeat and heavier breathing. So post your picture as a lady in red, and then check your in-box. If you don’t have any red clothes, a red backdrop serves the same purpose.
Unless you’re in a jail, a house of ill repute, or surrounded by women more beautiful than you, don’t worry about the background. Of these three negative settings, the last is the worst. Male subjects viewing a series of women’s photos invariably judged a lady less appealing if the previous female had been more attractive.8 Ditto if any other woman in the same shot was more alluring. In fact, unless you’re with a somewhat beauty challenged acquaintance, leave other women out of your secondary pictures. Why subject yourself to comparisons?
Males joke about being a “breast man,” “butt man,” or “leg man,” and you want to cover all of these—shall we say, “special interests.” Post one shot tastefully revealing your legs from just smidgeon higher than the knees down. Make the second a modestly covered head to waist shot, torso in profile, and no cleavage. To please the third set of aficionados, have one full body “rear” shot but with your face turned around toward the camera. That plus a couple of face shots and you’ve got all bases covered.
Chemistry Sparker #14
Photo Tips: Wear Red; Apply Camera-Ready Makeup; and Have a Shot for Each “Special Interest”
Just before the camera clicks, briefly close your eyes to enlarge your pupils. Exhale all your breath and further pull in your tummy. Wear red for your primary photo and, in addition, casual but conservative full-body shots—make sure a leg man, breast man, or butt man can find what he’s looking for. Now, with expertly applied camera ready makeup—lots of it to look like none—you’ll get some possibly life-changing photographs.
As you now know, throughout nature a symmetrical insect, fish, bird, reptile, amphibian, invertebrate, or humanoid is considered hotter by other insects, fish, birds, reptiles, amphibians, invertebrates, and humanoids.
Unless you are one of those rare genetically blessed beasts (.001 percent of the population) whose face is utterly symmetrical, turn it ever so slightly away from the camera. That disguises any microscopic imbalance that your Quarry could mistake as you being less than perfectly symmetrical.
Being a believer in truth in advertising, I hesitate to share the following. But with a little computer expertise—and a lot chutzpah—you can rival any competing symmetrical creature on the service. Here’s how.
Chemistry Sparker #15
Enhance Your Looks with the “Mirror Trick”
Take a full-face picture of you facing directly into the camera. Then make a computer image of one side of your face, flip it over, and put it on the other side. You’ll be dumbfounded how fantastic you look with perfect symmetry. Is this cheating? Well, only half!
If a neuroscientist had been sitting next to Shakespeare at the auditions for Romeo and Juliet and heard the lines “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” he’d shout, WRONG! And he’d be right. Would a bouquet of flatulence smell as sweet?
The millisecond your name pops up on that dating service screen, your Quarry’s hippocampus runs it through its gargantuan memory bank to see if your name has a positive, negative, or somewhat neutral association.
If you think names don’t affect attraction, consider this. Hunters, let’s say a friend tells you can have a blind date with a Hortense or a Heather. Which would you chose? Ladies, sight unseen, you must pick between a Bosworth and a Brad. I’ll place my bets on Heather and Brad.
To prove the “what’s in a name” concept, researchers posted a sign and a half-dozen girls’ pictures on a college bulletin board announcing a supposed upcoming pageant.9 Written under each picture was a female’s false name. The girls were all equally attractive and the students had to vote for one of six contestants for beauty queen. They then repeated the same study at another college with the same pictures but the girls’ names were changed under the photos. Here are the results averaged. The girls named Heather got 59 votes, the ones called Jennifer received 52, and Kathy 47. The Gertrudes and Harriets got only 14 votes, and the poor Ethels just 11. That’s 159 votes for the girls with the predetermined attractive names and 39 for the others.
Hunters, it seems the ladies are even pickier when it comes to your name. They preferred one-syllable monikers with a hard-stressed front consonant.10 Names like Curt, Dirk, Grant, Kent, Nash, Pierce, and Troy give females a tiny electrochemical jolt. If you are a Michael, Christopher, Daniel, Joseph, or Ronald, go by Mike, Chris, Dan, Joe, or Ron.
Conversely, gentlemen, if you are thirty-five or older, take the opposite counsel. With age and sophistication a lady prefers a two-syllable name. It sounds classier.
Chemistry Sparker #16
Choose a Real, Proven-to-Please Pseudonym
Don’t try to be clever or cute with a made-up moniker. Huntresses, select a bona-fide girl’s name with as much thought as you’d choose your future daughter’s. Your fave is taken? No problem. Just add some underscores or a symbol to it.
Ditto, Hunters. But avoid names like “Manson” or “Bundy.” You don’t want your Quarry subconsciously connecting it with a serial killer’s.
You like her picture? You’re impressed by his profile? Now it’s time to plan your strategy. But first I must extend my sympathies to the millions of misguided Huntresses who suffer an atavistic ailment spread by word of mouth. They are under the impression that the male of our species must first write the female. Absolutely untrue. Those were the dark ages of computer dating, and it’s time for us all to see the light.
Everyone who has ever sent a message to an attractive someone on a dating site has endured the agony of a condition I’m all too familiar with—writer’s block. I feel your pain all the more because it’s ten times more challenging to write about yourself. After the “Hi,” “Hello,” “Hey,” “Yo,” or “How’s it going,” your fingers freeze. What should I say to this Quarry whose picture and profile I like?
To excavate pearls of wisdom on the subject, I ran an online search about how to present yourself in your first message—and came up with a mere 333 million hits. Most of the suggestions were the same: Be upbeat, check your spelling, demonstrate your sense of humor, mention any shared elements, tell her about your hobbies and interests, tell him about your taste in music, movies, or thirteenth-century madrigals.
Ponder this: Of course your Quarry is curious about you. But who is she more interested in? Right, herself. Who is he most going to enjoy hearing about? Himself, of course. So in your introductory message, write about your Quarry’s favorite subject—him or herself. In fact, avoid using the word “I” as much as possible and try to start as many sentences as you can with you or your. When you sprinkle you like salt and pepper throughout your message, your reader finds it an irresistible spice. Gentlemen, applaud her qualities. Ladies, compliment his demeanor. How many people do you think will click “delete” in the middle of reading about themselves?
There’s a saying in sales, “When you’re tellin’, you’re not sellin’,” and it’s true here too. You don’t need to sell yourself further because your picture and profile do the basic job. Besides, the most enticing thing about you is what’s in your Quarry’s imagination and fantasies. That’s what keeps computer-dating companies in business.
Even more tantalizing than talking about your Quarry’s concrete qualities is what you, and only you, read between the lines about their intangible magnificence. Go through the profile again with a fine-tooth comb and get a sense of the inner person, not the outward physical appearance that any old love seeker ogles. Tell her you sense her creativity, gentleness, kindness, and honesty. Tell him you feel his integrity, dependability, loyalty, or leadership qualities.
This is not just speculation. The Journal of Social Issues proved the overwhelmingly greater response to that approach in a study called, “Can You See the Real Me?” about detecting your Quarry’s “true self” on the Internet.11
Chemistry Sparker #17
Forget the External. Write About Your Quarry’s Internal Qualities
Read your Quarry’s profile with an “inner” eye. Then tell her about, say, the openness and gentleness that shines through her writing. Comment on his self-assured style that has depth and his humor that came jumping off the screen at you.
Your Quarry will admire your insight and good taste. It confirms what they’ve known all along—they are special and wonderful. And they want to meet the person who recognizes that.
Before sending, check your message yet again. If you’ve written something that could be sent to any other woman or man on the site, you’re missing the target. Start over.
Although the next Sparker is for both Hunters and Huntresses, it works better on females. In the play Cyrano de Bergerac the beautiful Roxanne fell in love, sight unseen, with a hideous-looking man who, beneath her balcony, described a kiss as “A wish that longs to be confirmed, a rosy circle drawn around the verb ‘to love.’”12
Every woman has an inner Roxanne. If you’re a sucker for a pretty face, she’s more of one for a well-turned phrase. Words work wonders and, although you don’t want to wax as poetically as Cyrano, take a hint from the verbal heartthrob by spicing up your adjectives. All you need to do is use the thesaurus feature on your computer to impress.
Chemistry Sparker #18
Create Magic in Your Message with a Thesaurus
Don’t use words that are as common as weeds and just as unwelcome. If you want to tell your Quarry that her profile was “interesting,” run a synonym search and then substitute a word like, enchanting, engrossing, or intriguing.
Huntresses, tell him his profile mesmerized, impressed or captivated you. Your less common words and expressions of sentiment demonstrate that you’re a cut above the rest of the trite, online love seekers waiting to ride off into the sunset with “the one.”
Now let’s go from written Sparkers to spoken Sparkers.