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Let’s say one Saturday you and a few friends decide to go fishing. You get some poles, pack a bucket of worms for bait, and head out to the local lake. Trout are leaping onto the hooks, and you all have a fabulous time. Everyone laughs and cheers as they make catch after catch. The guys take turns carrying the big basket of fish to a friend’s country cabin. You open a case of beer, turn on some music, and cook a great trout dinner.
It was such a blast that you plan a repeat experience the next Saturday. With fishing rods over your shoulders and toting a bucket of minnows for bait this time, your group treks to the lake, humming all the way. Excitedly, you put your bait on the hook and cast off. Everyone waits for the fish to swarm toward them like the previous week.
An hour goes by. No bites. Hmm. Two hours pass. Still nothing. After three hours you all give up and get Chinese takeout on the way back to the cabin.
What went wrong? Those of you who fish probably know the answer. You used the wrong bait. Trout don’t eat minnows.
Cut to a party. Now you’re fishing for a bigger catch, someone to date, have sex with, love, and perhaps build a life with. Lots of attractive people are swimming around the bar and everybody is hoping for the best catch. But only a lucky few lovers succeed. Why doesn’t the majority? They use the wrong bait.
Here’s the right kind.
You’ve heard of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s fine for most situations. But not for igniting that Spark at first sight. Forget the Golden Rule and use the Platinum Rule, which I’ll explain shortly.
When a Huntress first spots a man, she is instinctively aware of his character, confidence, kindness, and demeanor. She hopes to find intelligence and humor. If she likes him, she wants respect from the gentleman from the first “hello.” In the back of her mind she’s wondering if a relationship might be in the future.
When a Hunter first spots a woman, he judges her looks and receptivity to him. In the front of his mind he’s wondering if sex might be in the future—and how soon.
Using the Golden Rule—treat others as you’d like to be treated—to appeal to a Quarry is one of the most foolish and common mistakes that potential lovers make. Huntresses are especially guilty of this. Girlfriend, at this point a guy is not judging your character, kindness, intelligence, and how much of a lady you are. Later, for a serious relationship with you, your character and other fine qualities are all important to him. But not at first. Luring him with those aspects of your personality before the first “hello” is the wrong bait because most guys are not thinking beyond the bedroom.
Conversely, Hunters, she is. Your abs of steel and bulging biceps pale as bait compared to other qualities she craves in a man. Later, when the two of you are in a loving relationship, she’ll long to lick your killer pecs and squeeze your muscles. But not at first. She’s visualizing beyond the bedroom. In fact, unless you have the “beyond” qualities, there probably won’t even be the bedroom. Sexiness is the wrong bait for a guy to cast because she’s thinking possible relationship.
Chemistry Sparker #1
Use the Platinum Rule When Luring Quarry
When trying to entice your Quarry, do not “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Instead, “Do unto others as they would like to be done unto.” Hunters, displaying your good-guy qualities and demonstrating respect for the lady is the best bait. Huntresses, sexiness and showing that you’re receptive to him are what reels him in.
I didn’t name this segment “Eye Contact” lest you skip it. I understand. I probably would have too. Millions of magazines, newspapers, books, and blogs—including mine—have done the subject to death. That aside, I would be remiss not to address it first.
Continuing unbroken eye contact can cause even a small Spark to catch fire. In studies, opposite-sex strangers directed to have extended eye contact reported neurochemical reactions similar to romantic sentiments.1 Additionally, eyes locked for a period of time can give the sense that you are already in love. The Journal of Research in Personality reported that people who are deeply in love gaze at each other 30 to 40 percent more than other couples do, and they are slower to look away during an intrusion.2
There’s more. Maintaining enduring eye contact also gives you the cachet of being a wiser abstract thinker because confident and creative individuals integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers. They can continue looking into someone’s eyes even during the silences.3
Unfortunately, most writers make it sound like “eye contact” is simply staring into each other’s eyeballs. No, plain old eye contact between a man and a woman is all too common to Spark your Quarry majorly on its own without a strong message emanating from your eyes. I’ll give you a few ways to use those grenades over your nose to capture your Quarry. But, first, gentlemen . . .
Unfortunately, there is a lot of misunderstanding about what eye contact signifies. Here is an all-too-common scenario: Guy smiles at girl. Girl looks away. Guy thinks it’s rejection. Girl is disappointed. End of story.
Most Western males think a female glancing away means she’s not interested. Wrong! Japanese men don’t fall for it. They know that the lady’s little smile and demure downward glance is part of the game, the world-famous geisha ploy. Her shyly (or slyly) lowering gaze is part of the female International Courtship Ritual.
This eye contact edict has been in effect since the beginning of time. If you’ve seen the infamous painting, The Fall of Man: Adam and Eve, you’ll observe that the first human Hunter is looking at his Quarry’s eyes. But Eve is demurely gazing elsewhere, all the while enticing him with the forbidden apple.
Gentlemen, it’s not if she looks away. She will. (Well, unless she’s read this book.) It’s how she does it that counts.4 When you reward her with a smile, your Quarry will either . . .
1.Modestly sweep her eyes down at the floor as though admiring the carpet. Experienced and confident Hunters know this is standard operating procedure for a flirting female and is as good as an engraved invitation. Go introduce yourself.
2.Turn away with her eyes parallel, like inspecting the wall’s paint job. She’s thinking, “Hmm, I’ll reserve my judgment on you until after our first chat. The probability is good if you pass the “chat test.” Go for it.
3.Look up and away like checking the ceiling for ugly cracks. Here she might as well be rolling her eyes into the next state and your chances of victory are slim. But, hey, you never know. Make a move—but only if you’re good at accepting rejection.
Gentlemen, here is another clue. After she looks away, if she glances back at you again within the minute, you must approach or else she’ll be sorely disappointed.
Huntresses, if you are one of the vast majority of women who demurely look away when a man smiles at you, it’s not your fault. Nature programmed you that way a very long time ago. Cro-Magnon males loved the thrill of the chase, just like guys today. But his female Quarry’s feigned modesty didn’t bother him one bit because the outcome would be the same either way. The confident Cro-Magnon just kept marching toward her with his erect club. However, Mother Nature didn’t factor on modern males becoming so insecure that they would interpret the ladies’ looking down as rejection and give up.
Girl, do not look away. Gaze into his eyes, smile, and put down your book, drink, or anything else that a panicky Hunter could mistake as a warrior’s brass shield. When he’s within easy conversational distance, be the first to say “hi.” You will hear his palpable sigh of relief.
Hunters and Huntresses must use their eyes in diverse and complex tactical ways to keep the Chemistry churning. The following Sparker Number Two is for Hunters, Three and Four are for Huntresses, and Five for both.
For an attractive woman, being ogled is as common as hearing her own breath. A brief meeting of the eyes gives her no neural jolt—unless your eyes stay persistently on hers and say something special. Here’s how. Upon spotting your Quarry, keep your eyes on her face, not with an all-too-common hungry smile but in a mode I call “appraising eyes” to give her a several-layer chemical rush.
I didn’t comprehend what was happening to me at the time, but I now know I was the happy victim of that emotional tidal wave. At a dinner party I smiled at a distinguished gentleman near the end of the table. Apparently not noticing, he continued conversing with the lady on his left. When he tenderly touched her hand, I felt a jab of jealousy, assuming they were a couple.
Then, while drowning my disappointment in the bowl of soup, I felt his eyes on me. Looking up, I almost dropped my spoon. He was stroking his chin and staring at me through squinted eyes like a radiologist inspecting an x-ray. It lasted only a few seconds, but it gave me emotional vertigo. When a smile flooded his face, I felt like I’d been saved from the lions. I wouldn’t have appreciated it had his attention been too quick. Metaphorically, if I’d been hooked up to an f MRI, the activity in my brain would have blown the circuits. Hunters, if you make it seem like she’s earned your approval, she’ll crave it all the more. Incidentally, the man at the end of the table was the ship’s captain I mentioned earlier who is now my partner.
Chemistry Sparker #2
Don’t Just Look At but “Appraise” Your Quarry
When she notices your gaze, don’t give her the panting puppy dog smile that a lot of misguided guys do. Take charge and inspect her face like a jeweler appraising a valuable gem. Appear to be judging her demeanor, her disposition, her character, her comportment, her sensitivity, her soul, her whatever. Anything but her looks. The lady wants to feel that it was more than her beauty that caught your eye. Only after she sees you looking at her, let your lips form a slow smile of considered approval.
Huntresses, the next two are for you. In a sense the techniques are opposites.
Males are instinctively super-sensitive to hostile aggression.5. Even if you are only half his size, a Hunter could find your extremely intense eye contact threatening. When he glances your way, look straight into his eyes, but let yours express instant admiration and slight submissiveness.
You can give him an extra Spark with a ploy that has animal origins. When two foxes fight in the wilderness, the one that loses submits and bares his exposed neck to the knifelike teeth of the victor. This vulnerability is an exhilarating feeling for the latter. Give him the homosapien version of this “I submit to you” signal.
Chemistry Sparker #3
Tilt Your Head and Caress Your Neck During Eye Contact
Huntresses, keep your eyes glued to his, but tilt your head to soften the exchange. Meanwhile, gently stroke your neck. Primal instinct tells him that you are protecting it because if it came to bloodshed, you know he’d win. It makes him feel like the masterful Hunter he imagines himself to be.
Be prepared, girl. Some of the following Chemistry-Sparking techniques are over the top and for gutsy Huntresses only. You must have the feminine version of brass balls to carry them off—and the skill to turn him around later during the first conversation. However, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I am not suggesting you have loose morals or be less than the lady you are. I am not suggesting you jump into bed with him any time soon. But you must lure him sexually so he can discover the real you. Casting the correct bait, then reeling in your Quarry, require two very different skill sets.
Chemistry Sparker #4
Scan His Body Shamelessly with Your Eyes
As your eyes meet, let yours travel south. Start at his shoulders, work your way down his chest, then linger a second on his belt. (Courageous Huntresses, go a bit farther.) Explore his body top to crotch like an airport security officer inspecting a passenger in a body scanner.
When you’ve finished your scrutiny, swiftly look up into his eyes and reward him with your smiling seal of approval.
Needless to say, gentlemen, for the sake of your freedom, do not attempt this on her. You do not need a police report on your record. The next Sparker is for both sexes and makes you feel a connection at the first meeting of the eyes.
Do you remember we talked about how the people who surrounded an infant in the first five years form a great part of the person’s LoveMap? As a child, your Quarry’s parents’ eyes expressed unconditional love—watching her sleeping in the crib, taking her first step, wobbling on his first bicycle ride, putting a bandage on his scraped knee. When he was a baby, he felt the love in Mommy’s eyes while holding him. She sensed the adoration in Daddy’s when he made funny faces to entertain her.
Have you heard people say, “She has loving eyes,” or “I could see the love in his eyes?” It’s true. That deep emotion does show in a person’s eyeballs because internal thoughts produce physiological responses that your observer is subliminally aware of.6 So physiologically, you can come a step nearer to fitting your Quarry’s LoveMap with this self-talk technique. To those of you who think the following Sparker is too far-fetched or “touchie-feelie,” I invite you to view the part of any video in which lovers fall in love at first sight. Press the pause button at the second their eyes meet. Now study all four eyes looking at their soon-to-be beloved and you’ll see their pupils are ever so slightly enlarged.
Chemistry Sparker #5
Give Your Quarry “Family Eyes”
While maintaining eye contact, repeat to yourself, “I feel you’re like my family and therefore I love you.” That automatically enlarges your pupils and softens your eyes, making them even more attractive and inviting. It simulates the admiration, acceptance, and unconditional love that your Quarry basked in as a child.7
I said earlier that Hunters and Huntresses should use their eyes in different ways to attract Quarry. Consider that a gross understatement when it comes to using your body, personality, and clothes. I flipped a coin to see which sex’s strategy we’d explore first. Heads, Hunters. Tails, Huntresses.
Heads won.
Pickup Artists, or PUAs, as men on the prowl proudly refer to themselves, dig sexy women. So it’s understandable that many misguided men assume “sexy” is near the top of a woman’s wish list. But when was the last time you think a woman said, “Hey girlfriend, I sure would like to meet that hairy half-naked stud over there who looks like his jeans were put on with a spray can?” (That only happens on some TV so-called reality shows.) Guys have a hard time getting it into their heads that the female brain is totally different from theirs. Keep in mind that her hormones intuitively respond to qualities like compassion, confidence, consideration, intelligence, and financial security.8
“Okay,” you are saying, “if I hear you correctly, these are qualities I can prove to her when we start talking and dating. But what’s that got to do with her feeling quick Chemistry with me? I can’t just go up to a chick and say, ‘Hi, I’m caring, kind, clever, loaded with capital, can coach you to achieve your full potential, and be a great dad. Can I buy you a drink?’ I mean, she doesn’t even know me yet.”
Oh yes she does! Compared to you, a female is a clairvoyant with x-ray vision. She senses more about you in a split second than you can in an hour of gaping at her. There are three main reasons:
1.A female’s neurons are more densely crowded in certain layers of the cortex that are responsible for signals coming in and out of the brain, so they have enhanced communication with each other—and with subtleties in the outside world.9
2.A woman also has ten times more “white matter” in her brain—and that’s where she does a lot of her thinking. The significance of that? Neurons in white matter have more connections between them and have something like a greased tube called a myelin sheath.10 This makes her interbrain signals even quicker. Compare it to the clarity of a land line versus a cell phone.
3.The connection between a female’s left brain (logical and analytical) and right brain (intuitive and subjective) is stronger.11 That means she can put you under a microscope to examine your every expression, every gesture, and every syllable for its significance. Even what it revealed about you when you asked the bartender for more peanuts.
She’s probably given you the thumbs up or cast you to the lions before you take your first step toward her, so from her first glance, you must demonstrate that you are an evolved twenty-first-century-kinda guy.
Let’s say you’re at a Looking-4-Luv singles bar, and of course, the women are furtively checking you out. (It’s a fact. Women who are single and searching check out every man who enters the room.12) Gentlemen, carefully visualize yourself doing the following and then we’ll analyze the coolness of your strategy step by step.
You are well dressed, pause in the doorway, survey the situation, and pretend not to notice your Quarry. You enter at a smooth pace, and as you head toward the bar, a couple of guys give you a fist bump. Then you greet a buddy and slap him on the back. Asking the bartender for a beer, he smiles and chats with you while two women try unsuccessfully to catch your eye. Then an attractive girl you obviously know approaches. When you whisper something in her ear, she laughs and you brush a hair off her cheek. You then put an arm around her shoulder and the two of you continue talking with your friends.
The reason your moves are Sparking her pleasure center (or caudate nucleus) is because this brain region has a tendency to live somewhat in the future. It fantasizes kicks–to-come more than it pictures the joys of the present.13 She’s instinctively and subconsciously imagining you playing a future role in her life.
Gentlemen, one by one, let’s go over the dozen super-cool moves you made.
1.You dressed well.
The lady likes that. She knows good clothes will travel further in the business world than ripped jeans do.
2.You paused and looked around with a friendly expression. That makes you look kind. If you come across as tough, Mother Nature nudges her, “Watch out, dear, he might be ruthless to you and the family someday!”
3.You strolled in at a smooth pace.
Your walk evidences a strong immune system. If you limp into the room like a centipede with ninety-six missing legs, your uneven gait could signal a weak one. Huntresses pick up on the scent of bad genes like the smell of a dead mouse under the refrigerator.
4.You didn’t appear to notice her.
That was a very cool move. It made you look like you weren’t on the prowl.
5.A couple of guys gave you the fist bump.
A man needs supportive colleagues to get ahead so having male friends is a big plus to women.14
6.You greeted a buddy and slapped him on the back. Excellent. That displays friendly dominance. Think about it, an employee doesn’t slap his employer’s back. A slave doesn’t slap his master’s back. It’s the other way around. In other words, the slapper is “on top.”
7.The bartender smiled and chatted with you.
His respect proves you have a good reputation in that establishment.
8.Two women looked at you flirtatiously.
You are more of a prize if other women want you.15
9.An attractive girl approached you.
“Uh oh,” you might think. “My Quarry might assume that’s my girlfriend, that I’m ‘taken.’” Not a problem, gentlemen. It’s okay to give her a little scare because it triggers fearful electrochemical activity in her amygdala. In a perverse way, however, she gets a kick out of it, like a scary movie.
Besides, if you’re in a relationship with a woman, that means you are “preapproved.” It’s like buying a string of pearls at a yard sale versus a reputable antique store. At the yard sale you’re taking a chance. In the antique store they’re probably the real McCoy.
10.You whispered something in the woman’s ear and she laughed. That evidenced your good sense of humor. In Chapter 6 you’ll learn some surprising reasons why women like men who make them laugh.16
11.You brushed a hair off her cheek.
That was a killer move. Mother Nature tells her “Girl, this guy is the protective sort and will take care of you and the kids.”
12.Then you put your arm around her.
That is a male version of “playing hard to get.” The jealousy gene bites and kicks your Quarry’s competitive juices into action. Here’s one that’s in Ripley’s Believe It or Not, or at least “Leil’s Believe It or Not.” I didn’t until I read the studies. Most women don’t mind doing what sociologists call “mate poaching.”17 Researchers asked women at Oklahoma State if they would actively pursue a man with qualities matching her wish list. Fifty-nine percent said yes. Then they asked, “What if the man was already in a committed relationship?” This time 90 percent of the women said they would go after him!18
Let’s sum it up. You’ve given the lady’s pleasure center hints of good things to come with your smell of success, good genes, sense of humor, respect from other men, and caring qualities. Then you gave her brain an electrical jolt of fear that you’re taken. Now when you approach your Quarry, she will be fully primed.
Chemistry Sparker #6
Don’t Act “Hot.” Act “Cool Dad.”
Hunters, in preparing for your next pursuit, the key words are not “sexy hot” or even “handsome.” Think “caring.” Think “coach.” Think “kind,” think “clever,” think “capital.” Think—are you ready?—“cool dad.” I know it’s impossible to replicate the previous scenario, but squeeze in as many elements as possible to give tiny Sparks to any woman watching you.
When the usual horny Hunter smiles at a woman, his objective is as obvious as a tarantula on his lips. You must show that you are different. I discovered the perfect expression to accomplish that while watching a teenager at a playground with his little sister. He obviously adored her and seldom took his eyes off her. I’ll never forget the warm, protective look on his face as he helped her climb the precarious jungle gym. I call it the “Little Sister Smile.” Use the following visualization technique.
Chemistry Sparker #7
Bestow the “Little Sister Smile” on Your Quarry
Let your mind play a trick on your lips. When you first spot her, visualize a vulnerable someone you love and want to protect at all costs as you would a little sister. Your caring smile instinctively warms her heart and sets you apart from “all those other animals” with their leering grins.
In a word, “Yes!” To her, your clothes are a projection of who you are.19 Never lose sight of the fact that a woman reads something into everything. Unlike you, she doesn’t have sex-ray vision to undress her Quarry mentally. No matter what you think, she is not salivating to see the bulging biceps and washboard abs beneath your threads. She loves a great body but prefers it covered until impending intimacy.20
In an infamous research project called the “Hamburger Study,” women saw photos of guys ranging from Tom Cruise look-alikes down to pictures of men even the photographer would be afraid to be alone with in the studio.21 The women didn’t know the photos were of the same guys, sometimes wearing suits, sometimes in Burger King uniforms. Many of the former were chosen as “husband material,” but none of the poor fast-food slingers. Yes, a male’s hunting gear is important to make the kill. To a woman, a well-dressed male is a bigger turn-on than an almost-naked one.22
When I was cruise director on a ship, the waiters were all Italian and gorgeous. At the grand finale dinner on the last night, we had a surprise tradition. Suddenly all the lights would go out. Just as passengers were freaking over a power outage, the music blared out. A hundred drop-dead gorgeous, sizzling waiters marched out of the kitchen wearing only tiny Speedo bathing suits and carrying candle-decorated baked Alaska above their shoulders.
The women hooted. The girls screamed. The men closed their eyes. Everyone laughed hysterically. The women told me they thought it was hilarious—but not a turn-on.
Conversely, Hunters, if you saw a parade of practically naked beauties carrying cakes with candles above their heads, your eyeballs would jump out and dangle by the optic nerve. Even if you were starving, you wouldn’t even notice the cake.
Sometimes, when my roommate Phil dresses for a date, he asks me how he looks. I break it to him gently, but I don’t dare let him go out in his brown Timberland boots with navy pants and an olive, short-sleeved shirt. (Gentlemen, even if it’s hot as a jet’s exhaust outside, do not sport short sleeves. It short-circuits your sex appeal. Go for long sleeves rolled up.)
Think “coordinated.” No black slacks with brown shoes; no brown belt with black shoes; no black socks with olive pants. And, horror of horrors, no piece of hairy leg showing in between. That merits you a female’s “yuck” every time.
You’ve heard rumors that women always notice your shoes. Well, kill the rumor and file it under fact. Some have an uncanny ability to spot a pair of Pradas attached to the bottom of a male sitting on the other side of a crowded party. Buy one quality pair of shoes for your hunting expeditions.
“Why does the female population care about what I wear?” you ask. Because coordinated clothes demonstrate creativity, taste, and intelligence. Perhaps you’re thinking, “But the kind of women I want wouldn’t care about such surface stuff.” Don’t be so sure! Even the waitress from the One Horse Coffee Shop, who has never been outside of the town it’s named after, has an uncanny sense of the quality of your clothes.
Chemistry Sparker #8
Dress Like You’re Auditioning to Be Her Husband
Make sure your threads are good quality and soft because females are more sensitive to touch than you.23 Think quality, not quantity. And neatness counts. Even though the other guys might think it’s cool to go out dressed like an unmade bed, set yourself apart. You can be casual, of course, but be casual chic, not casual cheap.
Don’t sweat it if your budget is more beer than champagne. Run the numbers. A small closet of fine-quality clothes costs a fourth of all the junk you most likely have stashed in it now. Unlike women, you can wear the same outfit more often—as long as you air it out every now and then.
A final tidbit: Before the big date that you’re hoping will end with her asking “Your place or mine?” you have a tough decision. Boxers or briefs? Brief briefs or full briefs? Plain boxers or bright boxers? Colored briefs or white briefs?
There are no referenced studies for the following, but the results of the “Official Dr. Lowndes Seminar Participants Survey” says women prefer good-quality, low-cut white or black briefs on a man. But not too brief.
Huntresses, now it’s your turn to embark on the Quarry safari at the same location, the Looking-4-Luv singles spot. Let’s say, because you are drop-dead gorgeous, you know men will soon swoop down on you like seagulls fighting over a crumb. But naturally you don’t want just any ol’ male sidling up to you, saying, “What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?” You deserve a gentleman. So to attract more refined Quarry, you take a ladylike position and cross your legs daintily. Oops, your skirt rides up. A few men glance your way and you shyly look down. Another nice-looking man smiles at you. You quickly pull your skirt down lest he think you’re cheap. When you look up again, he’s chatting up some overly made-up hussy who is way less good looking than you. What an animal!
Another cool guy glances your way. As you demurely rearrange your blouse, he goes back to talking to his buddy. Ten minutes go by, and a few other Hunters smile at you. You sweetly look away and await their approach.
But it never happens! Why didn’t any of them come over to say, “hi”? Not one of them offered to buy you a drink. You’re thinking, “I could be lying on the floor gasping for breath, dying of thirst, and no one would care.” You figure every man in the bar is either blind, gay, or with a jealous girlfriend who packs a pistol in her purse.
No one approached because, when you sat down, your body looked like it was wearing a “Private Property” or “Keep Out” sign. When one gentleman glanced your way, you went into the archaic geisha act. Another stole a peek at your knees and you hid them. Then you modestly rearranged your blouse so guys couldn’t see your alluring neckline.
Do you really think a guy will tell his buddy, “Hey Bro, think I’ll go make a move on that prim little lady over there who turned away and hid her knees from me?” To any woman who wants to capture the “grand slam,” as animal hunters call the biggest and the best of each species, I’m saying “Girl, you have to change your stalking style!” All the studies prove it: Friendly slightly suggestive aggressiveness is the name of the game if you want to win.
Huntresses, earlier we talked about the extraordinary importance of looks. So one would logically assume that most men, spotting both an attractive woman and a plain one at a party, would approach the former. This is not true!
Using the common one-to-ten beauty-scale measurement, researchers engaged courageous young women of average attractiveness to go to pubs where singles mingle and to flirt overtly with men they didn’t know. During all the activity the eagle-eyed investigators feverishly took notes on cocktail napkins, tracking which women various men approached—the gorgeous women or the average-looking ladies in the experiment. Their findings?
If you are friendly and obviously flirtatious, men are more apt to approach you than they are the most gorgeous women in the room. But don’t just take my word for it. Enjoy all the delicious details in any of dozens of studies. They are a thrilling read for us single-digit gals.24
You’ve felt that instant Spark just spotting a guy on the street. Sure, guys can feel that too, if the lady fits his previously established LoveMap. Perhaps she has just the right face, precise body, and DNA to invoke those scillions of pleasurable subconscious associations. But if you’re not that one in a million, all is not lost. You can still give his brain brief spikes of voltage that he’ll swear was an “instant” Spark. Why? Because the male neural “instant” is longer than yours due to those slower neurotransmissions and lack of lubricated myelin sheaths in his gray matter. His relative sluggishness on interpersonal subtleties is excellent news when trying to Spark Chemistry because you have time to flip his switch before the male “instant” is up. You toggle it by doing something suggestive.
Sisters, I’m assuming your first interest in meeting your Quarry is not just sex but also a possible relationship. You want him to be interested in you as a person, not a sex object. But of course, his first interest is sex! So why shouldn’t you do what you expect him to do for you? The Platinum Rule, remember? Don’t approach him with your interests in mind. Approach him with his. In other words, lure your Quarry with hints of sex—then capture him with your substantial qualities.
For us women, it’s just the opposite. We like a guy and, when we recognize his fine qualities, we become all the more sexually interested in him. But for a man, the sexual excitement must be there first. We’ll talk about that now—then we’ll get to turning him around. A little later I’ll give you techniques to show him that you are most definitely not just a sex object and dozens of ways to win his respect and love.
In light of what I wrote in the “body parts” paragraphs in Chapter 2, you have every right to assume I’ll suggest you dress seductively.
Absolutely not! My Granny was no fool. Her words are as true today as when I was a teen. Once, as I was proudly spinning around, showing off my new micro-miniskirt, she took my hand and cautioned, “Leilie, there are two kinds of girls in this world. The marrying kind and ‘the other kind.’” I rolled my eyes.
This many years later I owe her an apology. All serious studies support her wisdom. Instead of Granny’s very unacademic designation of “the other kind,” however, researchers call them females with “short-term mating strategies” or “munificent” women.25 Yes, I had to look that word up too. It means “bountiful,” “willing to give gifts,” “generous.” Seeing her in too much makeup and too few clothes, no one needs to ask what she’s generous with.
We’ve all seen guys at parties or at the mall salivating over these short-term-strategy ladies. But not one of those panting males would invite a woman with Cleopatra makeup and cleavage to her navel to his company’s Christmas party. So tone down the makeup and torch the scanty outfit that you store in a matchbox. That gets you a large quantity of attention, but not quality attention.
I told Hunters about the quality and fashion of their clothes. What about yours? Do men make judgments about that? Absolutely not. The coordination, the cost, how it reflects your deep, inner qualities, how much money you make, and whether your outfit augurs well for your future together is lambda calculus to them. In research similar to the Hamburger Study, men viewed women wearing everything from designer garb to bag-lady clothes.26 Men always chose the good-looking females even if they were sporting Salvation Army rejects. It doesn’t matter what you wear; it’s the little tricks you’ll soon learn about using your clothes that count.
Naturally, you should match the intensity of the following techniques to your personality, the venue, the class, and the presumed mindset of your Quarry. But do not match them to your “comfort level.” Unless you are a hooker on heroin, I guarantee your comfort level is far too low. You’ll have plenty of time later to demonstrate you are not a woman of easy virtue or “that kind of girl.” If you want a long-term relationship with him, you must start doing that during the first conversation.
A Hunter doesn’t notice your clothing, but he certainly notices what he sees of your body. That’s where “adjustable clothing” comes in. Dress conservatively but in clothes you can shift around to reveal a little more of your body to only your target man. An example is a soft blouse with a scoop neck that you can tug revealingly to the side to show more skin. Alternatively, you can let your blouse “accidentally” slip off one shoulder when he looks your way. Or a full skirt you can slide up to show more leg. Incidentally, here’s a model’s trick to make your legs shapelier when you do. With your legs crossed, push the calf of your top calf out with your bottom knee. Try it now and you’ll see what I mean.
If a man’s testosterone shoots up by a third just talking to an attractive woman, can you imagine how it skyrockets when you gently tug at your attire to expose a tad more of yourself? Getting a glimpse of even a relatively “innocent” part of your body like a thigh, a naked shoulder, or even a bare foot when you dangle a shoe on your toes gives him a little Spark—and they all add up to a big one.
Chemistry Sparker #9
Don’t Wear Revealing Clothes. Wear “Adjustable” Ones
Don’t reveal cleavage or too much leg that any guy in the vicinity could gape at. Instead, sport outwardly conservative clothing that you can shift and slide around to reveal only what you want, when you want, and how you want to excite the who you want. Make it obvious that your ministrips are solely for your Quarry’s viewing pleasure alone.
By the way, here’s a neuroanatomical heads up: Don’t waste your artillery more than forty degrees to his right or left during any of these maneuvers. A Hunter has fewer receptor rods and cones in his retina, so his peripheral vision is narrower.27 Stand as close as you can to his direct line of vision whenever casting bait.
I learned this scorching Sparker in college. Not in class but from a petite brunette who had just moved into my dorm. Shannon was sweet but shy—the reserved, quiet type. So we were all shocked when Carson, the Big Catch on Campus, who had only dated hot women, fell for her.
Late one Saturday night after she and I had both returned from dates, I walked into the dorm’s community shower room. Shannon was just slipping out of her dress revealing—I gasped—a skimpy, black lace garter belt, stockings, and a see-through bra! Embarrassed, she threw a towel around herself and scurried back to her room.
Sitting on the shower bench struggling to remove my tight pantyhose, I instantly realized what Carson saw in her. She was the type of girl he’d be proud to introduce to his family. Yet underneath, Shannon obviously was sexually savvier than any of his previous hot dates.
I thought that was pretty cool and made it a point to become her friend to see what else I could learn. On our way to lunch one time we passed a Victoria’s Secret lingerie store. I asked if she wanted to stop in.
“Why, Leil?” Then I teased her about her sizzling undergarments.
“Laugh all you like,” she said. “It works.”
“I’m sure it does, Shannon. And you go strutting around the campus in hot sexy underwear for all the guys to enjoy, ha ha!”
“No!” Taking mock offense, she continued, “I’m very particular who gets to see it. In fact, that’s how I met Carson.” She looked around and lowered her voice. “I knew he always had lunch at the campus canteen, so one day I sat at another table directly across from him. Then, pretending I didn’t notice, I let the top of my garter show. Naturally, he looked over, and when he did, I winked at him before hiding it. Of course he came over and said ‘hi.’”
“Shannon, you’ve got to be kidding!”
“No, I am dead serious!”
“Girlfriend, you are one sassy lady! And when we met, I thought you were so shy.”
“Not in all ways,” she said coyly.
Sisters, it all has to do with your Quarry getting a private peek at the sexy forbidden, especially if you’re revealing it especially for him. In the late nineteenth century savvy women in floor-length skirts flashed ankle. You need to raise the bar on this antiquity to just above your knees. Many men have told me that they find “the peek” at something usually hidden more exciting than nudity. Purposefully revealing a touch of a black garter or the top of a red lace bra says, “I may look conservative outside. But on the inside I’m bitchin’ hot just for you.”
Chemistry Sparker #10
Look Sedate on the Outside, but Reveal Something Sizzling Underneath
When you’re around small game, turn your body away, pull down your skirt, and button up your blouse. But when you spot your grand slam Quarry, reveal something sexy you are wearing underneath like the top of a lacy bra. It gives him a chock-full-of-testosterone Spark.
I highly suggest garters and stockings because a man seldom sees them in the twenty-first century except in hot magazines. The somewhat uncomfortable but very sexy contraptions have come a long way since Granny’s day. They now spell s-e-x.
Take another tip from Shannon and put a touch of humor in your microstrip show. Your smile can express, “I know you know what I’m doing and I’m having fun. Hope you are too.” Winks work wonderfully during your self-presentation. The beauty of this ocular flutter is your later claim, “What wink? I had something in my eye.” (And you did—him.)
I can’t in all good conscience put my seal of approval on this next one, but I do have evidence of its efficacy. Again I’d like to repeat, in no way whatsoever should you come across as cheap. But you can conspire with Mother Nature to bag your Quarry quickly. A clever girl in one of my dating seminars came up with an ingenious little trick. During the coffee break several men were surrounding a particular young lady who was quite poised, well spoken, and dressed in a medium-length skirt and a silk turtleneck. There was nothing cheap about her. I remember being pleased at my male students’ good taste.
When the class reconvened I asked participants to place their nametags higher on their right shoulders so I could see them from the podium. At that point I noticed Brittany’s breasts—not large, but tipped with little BB-like protrusions.
Before the break I had asked the group to write attraction techniques anonymously on a card, which, with their permission, I would later read to the class. When I got to Brittany’s card, my jaw dropped. I looked up and saw the demure little lady grinning as wide as a banana. She squeezed her lips together signaling, “Shh, it’s our secret.” The class was understandably confused when I broke out laughing.
Gentlemen, please skip the following. It’s just a fashion tip (pun intended) for the ladies. Here’s what Brittany had written on her card:
Chemistry Sparker #11
“Modify” Your Bra
“Leil, please don’t use my name if you read this to the class, but here’s a technique that works like magic. Whenever I’m going somewhere there might be interesting guys, I dress conservatively but I snip the tips off my bras so the shape of my nipples shows under my blouse.”
The class had no idea why I was laughing as I tucked the card away.
Like all erotica, Mother Nature is behind the nipple magnetism for men.28 During sex your nipples become firmer, and when you’re nursing, the area expands. Big nipples also help your baby find lunch. So girl, if you weren’t blessed with protruding nipples, take a tip from Brittany. Big Mama in the sky would even give you the shears!
You’ve probably never consciously thought about it—nor has he—but a male is aroused by the scent of female underarms, therefore, also the sight of a lady’s pits. As a further draw, Big Mama even makes them even spicier when you’re ovulating.29
Napoleon, in his famous love letters to Josephine, wrote of the “intoxicating pleasures” of being with her. In one, he beseeched, “I am arriving in Paris in three days. Don’t wash.”
This one sounds too silly to merit a specific Sparker, so just consider it a hint. If you are wearing a sleeveless top, lift your arm and pretend to be arranging the back of your hair. He’s too far away to actually sniff your pheromones, but it invokes sweet subliminal memories of other times his nose has nuzzled that usually unseen female territory.
In the 1600s, a young orphan named Catherine commissioned a cobbler to craft a pair of shoes with a higher heel in the back. This had the effect of arching her back, thrusting out her buttocks and bosom, and putting a wiggle in her walk. (Not so incidentally, Catherine de’ Medici managed to bag the future king of France at the age of fourteen.) Marilyn Monroe also took hip swinging seriously. Rumor has it that she shaved down one heel of all her stilettos to put a swing in her stride.
However, we’re talking about a different gait that is more subtly sexually appealing than a wiggling walk or swinging stride. The best way to describe it would be an “undulating, very slow-motion gallop.” The study, “Differences in Gait Across the Menstrual Cycle and Their Attractiveness to Men,” demonstrated that women unconsciously dress more provocatively, and walk in this more sensuous manner during her big “O” days.30 Mother Nature knows its power and programmed it into the walk of ovulating women to signal males that “it’s time for you to make your move on me.”
Ladies, don’t be scandalized by some of the previous techniques. In Chapter 5, I will give you proof that if you handle your Quarry strategically in the ways I suggest, the blend of his weaker memory for details plus his stronger male ego will make him think he initiated the entire encounter. In fact, it’s proven that females initiate two-thirds of all marriages, be it a smile, a come-hither look, or the first hello.31
Obviously you should tailor your tricks to your desired catch. Refined Quarry or someone residing on Easy Street might be turned off by techniques that would excite a guy living on the other side of the tracks, and vice versa. But even if your Quarry is sitting on the top of the invisible class totem pole, you can use potent soft-x techniques to Spark him.
Chemistry Sparker #12
Do the Undulating Ovulating Walk When He’s Watching
The next time you’re ovulating (around midpoint between your period) take note of how your walk instinctively changes. Or view a video of a high-fashion model in skyscraper heels swiveling her skeleton butt on the catwalk. Then practice, practice, practice. Just don’t walk that way at church or work. It’s for “special occasions” only, like when your Quarry is watching you.