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Dating is the best of times and the worst of times. You feel like you are dancing on the clouds. Then he does something that hurts you to the core. She says something that means you might lose her. You are crushed, and serotonin drops like a cannonball in the lake. Confusion and chaos result.
How heartbreaking that dating has become a competitive sport—or that it is any type of game at all. In an ideal world potential partners would see each other, smile, feel confident, and form a relationship without all the difficulty and drama. But from the instant human animals sniff potential romance, electrical signals in their brains start zapping around like pinballs and their heads spin. Moments later, it’s “Tally ho, let the games begin!”
Even if you try to avoid them, as most of us do, sooner or later you and your Quarry find yourselves guessing about each other’s motives, gathering evidence, envisioning, estimating, considering, and finally deciding whether to stay together or split. If that doesn’t involve difficulty and drama, I don’t know what does! Meanwhile, Mother Nature is loving it. She’s kicking you both in your privates, encouraging your anxiety because that makes you crave your Quarry all the more.
But back to the game’s starting line. Whether you become hungrier for her or you feel you’ve had enough of him often happens on the first date. But first you’ve got to get that date. Here are some ways to ensure success.
Whatever else you think about a used car salesmen, he’s no dummy in one respect. After his pitch and carefully planned close, he sticks a pen between the prospect’s thumb and forefinger—point facing down—and he deftly slides the contract under the tip of the pen. Instead of questioning, “Well, do you want to buy it or not?” he asks the prospect, “When do you want delivery?” They call it the “assumptive close.” He takes for granted that of course the customer wants his product.
Take a tip from the pitchman and do the same. The tired old “How about Saturday night?” riff could spell quick rejection. Don’t ask your Quarry, if she’d like to have dinner with you. Take it as a foregone conclusion that of course she would and just ask when.
Try this: “I want to check out the new El Romantico Restaurant. What night would you be free to come with me?” That shows confidence. Worded this way, unless she’s thinking, “You dish pit, I would never sit across a table from you,” she’s at a loss for what to say. She can’t tell you she’s given up eating or booked up for the rest of her life, so her only refusal resort is a revelatory humming or hawing. Then at least you know the score and won’t put yourself out on a limb for another rejection later.
Another twist is what sales professionals call the “alternative close.” The salesman once again “assumes” his prospect wants the car and asks, “Will you be taking the black one or the green one?” Here’s how to employ that tactic. Tell your date you’d like to take her to either El Romantico or L’Eleganti Restaurant. Which would she prefer?
Chemistry Sparker #32
Use the “Assumptive” or “Alternative” Close
When offering your Quarry the pleasure of spending a few hours with you, expand the window of opportunity. Simply ask, “when?” as though you’re sure there’s not a snowball’s chance in a sauna that she’d say no. Another ploy is to ask her which of two places she’d prefer.
Huntresses, you are talking to Mr. Magnificent Specimen and your white matter is making so many connections to every word that passes his lips that you can hardly concentrate on the order of them. But finally you hear the sequence you’ve been salivating for, “Would you like to go . . .”
You suppress shouting a jubilant “Yes!” before he finishes the sentence. Let’s say he invites you to an excellent film you’ve been meaning to see. What should you do? Choose one.
1.Look like you’re pondering the question.
2.Tell him that you’re terribly sorry, but you’re tied up that evening but perhaps another time.
3.Give him a big smile and tell him you’d love to see that film.
Answer: None of the above! Instead, act pleased and exclaim, “[his name], I’d love to go out with YOU!” This lets your Quarry know your interest lies in spending time with him, not in whatever he’s suggesting.
Chemistry Sparker #33
Don’t Say Yes to the Date. Say Yes to Him
Let your Quarry know it’s not the activity you’re interested in, it’s the man. Your surprise answer gives him an immediate pleasure Spark. Whatever activity he suggests, here are your scripted words. Say his name and add, “I’d love to go out with you.”
“But,” you may be wondering, “what happens if he doesn’t ask me out?” Not to worry. Read on.
Reluctantly, you must admit that there is the rare possibility that asking you out didn’t even cross his mind. The following tactic is rapidly gaining bigender and generational respect everywhere.
Simply deliver a big smile and one of the following:
“Trevor, we should get together some evening.”
“Patrick, let’s go party one night.”
“Lance, I’d love to go out with you sometime.”
This one, followed by a wink, is my favorite: “The next time you feel like asking somebody for a date, think of me.”
Now, that’s female proceptivity at its finest!
Chemistry Sparker #34
Say “Yes” Before He Asks
If he’s lily-livered about asking you for a date, a broad hint gives him the guts to ask. If he’s dense, it plants the seeds. And if he didn’t think to ask you out (foolish man!), you do the job for him. This way you haven’t actually popped the question, but you’ve made it obvious that his invitation will definitely not be met with his greatest fear, rejection.
The constant quandary: Where should we go on our first date? Hunters, what would you most enjoy? A football game? A skating rink? An action movie? Fast action gives guys a dopamine rush.
Huntresses, what about you? A French restaurant? An Italian restaurant? A Chinese restaurant? Fine cuisine and bonding conversation give females a dopamine and oxytocin rush.
Hmm, what he’d like to do (an exciting activity) and what she’d like to do (relaxed dining) are very different destinations. The solution? The best first date is both: an activity followed by dinner.
Start the evening off with something exciting. A thriller movie, a strenuous physical activity, or maybe even something a little scary. The study “Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety” proved a strong link between love and fear.1 Lovers and wannabe lovers on screen, on stage, and in novels face frightening forces together. Prehistoric beasts, ruthless killers, intergalactic invaders, and a passel of other evil forces threaten to tear the couple asunder. Did it ever cross your mind that the lovers might not even be turned on by each other if it weren’t for the immense adversity they had to tackle together? Shakespeare knew its power. What would be the big thrill for Romeo and Juliet if the Montagues didn’t want to kill the Capulets?2
A stimulating activity Sparks the dopamine thrill, resulting in a phenomenon called “excitation transfer” or “transference effect,” in which your brain assumes the thrill came from being with that particular person, not necessarily the activity.3 A form of psychotherapy called neurolinguistic programming (NLP) calls this effect “anchoring.”4 When you feel excitement on a date, even though it’s due to an outside force, you connect or “anchor” it to your Quarry. Just seeing her face again can bring on the exciting stimulation you felt. Hearing his voice reinvokes the neuronal animation you experienced on the first date.
Chemistry Sparker #35
Date Part One: Do Something Stirring
Do something that generates electrochemical activity in your Quarry’s brain as the first part of the date. Perhaps a physical activity or sports events for Hunters or an emotionally stirring experience like a concert or heart-wrenching film for Huntresses. Whatever either of you feels on this first date will rub off on the other through excitation transfer.
Hunters, you may have the best of intentions and think you’re being gracious by asking your date where she’d like to dine. But you should choose. Otherwise you might come across as unknowledgeable or indecisive. Make a reservation and confirm it a few hours beforehand. You look bad if your table isn’t ready just because some dude named Brad Pitt made a last-minute reservation.
The eatery need not be pricey, but it should reflect your personality. Do you want your Quarry to think of you as artistic? Take her to a restaurant where artists go. Want to come off as a successful businessman? Take her to a restaurant where successful business-people go. You want her to see you as a cool dude? Take her to a restaurant where cool dudes go. There is one exception. You’d like her to think you’re a jock? Do not take her to a sports bar—unless that’s where she’s dying to go. In that case, she’s pretty special and you might consider proposing on the spot.
Huntresses, if he is charmingly naive enough to let you choose the dining venue, don’t make the same mistake that Phil’s date, Goldilocks, did in Chapter 2. Unless you’re positive he’s a high roller, play lowball. Choose a charming little eatery within his budget. A place with a nice ambiance and low lighting is a plus because both of you will seem more attractive.
In one study, “Effects of Aesthetic Surroundings,” people were shown pictures of opposite sex individuals in various venues, some superior, some shoddy. Researchers then asked, “Pick out the best-looking people.” The folks in rooms with beautiful chandeliers, grand pianos, fine art, and other opulent etceteras were almost invariably chosen over those in greasy spoons.5 Of course, the photos were of the same people in both settings.
Chemistry Sparker #36
Date Part Two: Do Something Relaxing (Preferably with Food)
After the emotionally or physically electrically charged activity, wind down the date with a quiet little dinner where you can chat and enhance the bonding Chemistry between you. This two-part date sequence should leave no uncomfortable silences because, of course, you’ll discuss how much you both loved the activity.
Hunters, as a real guy-type guy, you probably equate etiquette with extending a pinkie when drinking from a cup and wonder why your Quarry cares about manners. It’s because Mother Nature reminds the lovely that no man who picks his teeth with the edge of a sugar packet is going to be promoted to the top. When gravy dribbles from your open mouth, her dopamine level dips down like a thermometer dropped in the snow.
Huntresses, you can make it a more exciting dining experience for him by a few gentle, subtle, but not too suggestive moves like sliding your glass up next to his or running your fingers seductively up and down the stem of your wine glass. Let his fantasies do the rest.
On this and the many subsequent dates, you are both contemplating whether you want to continue with this PLP (Potential Love Partner) or call it quits. Where you go and what you talk about on each date factors into whether there will be a next. Here are dating Sparkers to use on every date right on up to the altar or moving-in together day.
Now we’re talking different type of games—sports, hobbies, interests. I’m sure you’ve heard that females bond by talking and males by doing things together. It’s not a myth.
Huntresses, think back to the early days of your relationship. Were you moved when you discovered he felt deeply about something you believed in? Perhaps it increased your sense of closeness to him when you learned of his shared passion for animal rights, respect for the elderly, or concern for the environment. Likewise, a Hunter’s bonding sentiments bubble up when you tell him you too enjoy bowling, bungee jumping, watching boxing matches, or whatever his passion.
Girl, if you truly do enjoy his sport, highlight the heck out of it and suggest you do it a lot. Just make sure you truly do like it or else you could sentence yourself to years in noisy bowling alleys, sweaty gyms, or on the wrong end of a scary elastic rope. My regular readers know I usually subscribe to the “fake it ’til you make it” philosophy of life. But when it comes to serious relationships, swear off pretending. Otherwise, when your ruse is revealed, it’s over. The axiom here is “Fake it and you’ll break it.”
Bethany, a good friend of mine since high school, met the man she wanted to set sail with on the Love Boat, but it sank because of her lie. One time I had talked Bethany into coming on a scuba dive with me. She did, but later, while tearing off her tank, told me she’d hated it. But she certainly didn’t hate what happened at the beach bar afterward. Don, a fellow diver sitting with us, introduced us to his buddy, Baird. “A big-time diver,” as Don described him.
Baird asked, “How did you enjoy the dive, girls?”
Bethany squealed and, smiling as wide a crescent moon, lied, “Oh, I just loved it! I can’t wait to do it again!” Right on her clever cue, Baird asked her to join him for a dive the following week. She did, and the following week, and the following week—and the following week. Baird adored the fact that she was becoming such an avid new diver. They started dating regularly.
Bethany was so busy with Baird that I didn’t get a chance to see her very often. The next time I heard from her was six months later. She was in tears.
“What happened, Beth?” Between sobs, she told me the story. It seemed Baird wanted to go diving every weekend. All he’d talk about at dinner was their last dive and his plans for the next. From what I could determine, Bethany’s ruse about her passion for diving became a drag. Her laughter at Baird’s diving jokes sounded less sincere. Her smile froze as she listened to his stories of great dives.
Finally, one Thursday evening, Bethany told Baird that she wasn’t going diving with him that weekend because she hadn’t had her hair done in months and she needed a facial due to all the wind and sand. The next weekend she found another excuse.
Bethany didn’t hear from him one week, and when she called, he said he’d begun diving with some other friends and had met someone new, “a dedicated diver,” he told her. She didn’t have to finish the story. Baird loved diving and he also loved women. He wanted both, and Bethany only filled half that bill.
Activities that you enjoy shoot dopamine levels up just like the chemical rush you felt on your first dates. If you truly love the activity, you continue to “transfer” those euphoric feelings to your PLP. If you quit, the dopamine quits along with it.
Chemistry Sparker #37
Play the Same Games
If there is an activity that your Potential Love Partner enjoys that you like too, play it up big time. Although it’s true for both of you, joint activity is a higher priority for Hunters. It’s a guy’s way of bonding and bringing you closer. But be real—or be wretched.
As a shy teen, just talking with someone of the male gender made my heart beat like a repeater pistol and my face look like a sunburned lobster. Before a date I’d torture myself trying to think of topics to discuss that would make him like me more. I wish I’d known the following.
The gender-preferred topics are pretty common knowledge these days. If you missed some of the popular books on the subject, here are the crib notes.
•Huntresses tend to talk about people. Men concentrate on things.
•Huntresses speculate on feelings. Hunters stick to facts.
•Huntresses fancy the abstract. Hunters favor the concrete.
•Huntresses share emotions. Hunters prefer the logical.
•Huntresses conjecture harmony with colleagues. Hunters consider competition and who’s on top.
Once again, like everything we’re talking about in this book, it all makes exquisite evolutionary sense. “Fight or flight” has been an instinctive male reaction ever since his gorilla ancestor strutted down Noah’s gangplank. Once on dry land he had to fight for dominance over the other simians, which gives insight into a Hunter’s conversation preferences. He likes to talk of his dominance over today’s human baboons—his achievements, adventures, concepts, politics, objects, and big toys.
The neurological female equivalent to “fight or flight” is “tend and befriend.”6 It’s the instinctive female response ever since her gorilla ancestress followed him down the gangplank. Once on dry land, tending to her tiny ones and keeping them safe was a full-time job. That gives insight into a Huntress’s conversational preferences. She enjoys exploring relationships, feelings, intuition, and perceptions of other people.
Chemistry Sparker #38
Speak in Your Quarry’s Gender
Huntresses, catch yourself if you find yourself talking too much about people and your feelings. Ditto, Hunters, if you start expounding excessively on facts and competitive situations. In short: Huntresses, stick more to things, facts, and the concrete. Hunters, try exploring abstracts and both your feelings.
Oh, did I forget to mention that men like to talk about sports? Girl, it’s great if you can too. But be careful. Clashing with him on the MLB’s top pitching rotation last year could strike you out in the first inning of your relationship.
Even if you had the above crib sheet on your lap, having great conversations on dates can be tough because you don’t think like the other sex. But you can learn to speak in the other’s style. Here are a few hints.
Hunters, you may have noticed that females have a different conversational rhythm. After stating an opinion, they often throw the conversation back with a tag line like, “What about you?” or “What do you think?”
Chemistry Sparker #39
Play Conversational Volleyball
Gentlemen, after you’ve stated an opinion, ask hers. Once she picks her dropped jaw up off the table, she’ll adore answering—and you for asking. Make sure she is talking at least half the time, maybe more. As long as she’s talking, she’ll think you’re a fascinating conversationalist.
Don’t let there be too many long silences. Those make females uncomfortable and fear you’re not communicating.
Huntresses, this may come as a surprise, but men don’t need—or even want—to be communicating every minute the two of you are together. The male mind is quite comfortable with compatible silence.7 The lack of talking is not because he doesn’t feel close to you. It is not because he has nothing to say. It’s just that many smart men don’t feel they need to fill up the air with words.8
As we’ve discussed, your Quarry’s neurotransmissions don’t zap from one thing to the next as quickly. After you’ve said something, a male likes time to digest it and collect his thoughts before speaking. If you jump in trying to cover the uncomfortable (to you) silence, it could be jarring and destroy the closeness he’s feeling during your mutual quiet time.
Chemistry Sparker #40
Don’t Feel Obligated to Fill the Silences
When a lull comes in the conversation, simply enjoy it with him. A self-assured man is not the least bit uncomfortable with compatible silence. In fact, he’ll appreciate it because you’re probably his first date who doesn’t talk just to make conversation.
You can take a big step toward enhancing your relationship with a simple verbal tweak. Every word and tone has an emotional impact. Hearing a familiar or unfamiliar song creates a very different neurochemical reaction. A dancer named Svetlana whom I met at a neuroscience lecture told me about a brain scan she had volunteered for. During one scan, the researchers’ played Stravinsky’s Firebird, a very exhilarating piece of music. They then played a piece from Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. The fMRI discovered that during the much calmer composition, the song from Swan Lake, her brain was on fire with electrical reactions, but not during the more stimulating Firebird. Why? Because Svetlana had once danced in Swan Lake and felt closer to that composition. Every note evoked a familiar emotional, therefore neural, reaction. On a lesser scale, a familiar or less familiar word creates diverse neurotransmissions in your Quarry’s brain.
Let’s say one Saturday afternoon you get a hunger pang, so you say to your honey, “Hey, let’s go out and get a hoagie.” Or would you say “submarine,” “grinder,” or “hero?” It’s all the same chock-full-of-stuff sandwich on a foot-long roll, but it has different names in different parts of the country. Ditto the regional words like “cellar” or “basement,” “pavement” or “sidewalk,” and “sofa” or “couch.”
It’s not just different parts of the country. Kids learn language by listening to their parents, relatives, friends, and other familiar folks around whom they feel comfortable. Phoneticists observe that even people in different schools, groups, and parts of a city use ever-so-slightly different words.
Chemistry Sparker #41
Use Your Quarry’s Words
To make your Quarry feel like you’re on the same “wavelength,” use the same words for anything or anyone. She might say, “my mother,” “my mom,” “my mama,” or “my mommy.” He might refer to “Dad,” “Pop,” “Poppa,” or “my old man.” Yet they can all live in the same neighborhood. Saying your Quarry’s words for common things Sparks a subliminal LoveMap sense of familiarity and similarity.
I’ve never actually been asked that question, but I thought I’d answer it anyway. A film of a man listening would, compared to that of a woman, look like a still life. A female’s listening demeanor is closer to those toy-dunking ducks that kids balance on the side of a water glass. A man listens silently, but a woman nods to a soundtrack of trifling vocal interjections like “uh huh,” “oh,” “umm,” and a selection of other supportive cooing sounds.
Sometimes when speaking to a male, I exasperatingly assume he’s not hearing a word I say because he’s as silent as a dead cell phone. I mentioned it to one guy, and he had the nerve to tell me my little “interruptions” were annoying. (Imagine that!)
Well, each gender is an expert on his own listening preferences, so to Spark similarity, go with your Quarry’s flow.
Chemistry Sparker #42
Hunters, Listen with Nods and Supportive Sounds
Gentlemen, signal you are listening by sprinkling short murmurs of understanding between your Quarry’s sentences. “Um, hum” is okay but could get repetitive. Practice vocalizing a few supportive comments concentrating on emotion words like: “I know how you must have felt,” “I would have sensed the same thing,” and “I sympathize with you.”
Chemistry Sparker #43
Huntresses, Don’t Interject Emotional Affirmations
Shh, ladies. Squelch supportive cooing, which disturbs his concentration and also takes away from your seriousness. Give the guy time between sentences to think about his next. Only during obvious pauses should you interject a comment, perhaps a supportive statement. Try little kudos like, “That was smart of you,” “Excellent,” or “You did the right thing.”
You’ve heard women lovingly say about a man, “He makes me laugh.” But have you ever heard a man say, “She makes me laugh?” Not likely, unless he’s putting her down. Look on any dating site and you’ll see “good sense of humor” so often that it has merited an acronym, GSOH. The desirability of GSOH has been proven by herds of serious humor researchers (not an oxymoron). Hunters and Huntresses find very different things humorous.
Stanford researchers engaged ten males and ten females to lie down on a narrow examination table, individually, not as a group exercise. Each subject slid head first into a hole in a huge metal brain-scanning machine with a series of cartoons projected on the circular ceiling. The examiners then measured the subjects’ internal giggle or guffaw by tracking what parts of their brains lit up—and how bright—at each cartoon.
The females reacted more slowly. It wasn’t that they were slower to “get it.” It’s just that, after reading the caption, the women processed it through their stronger linguistic sense, then ran it by their prefrontal cortex to see if it really made sense. The more unexpected or incongruous the caption was, the funnier females found it.9
Huntresses don’t enjoy canned humor. They prefer Hunters who can grasp the wit in an unexpected situation and play off it. It all goes back to the evolutionary female dictum to get the best partner.10 Any old guy can memorize jokes. But picking up on an immediate occurrence, seeing the humor in it, and expressing it shows flexibility, intelligence, and cognitive fitness.11
Chemistry Sparker #44
Don’t Tell Your Quarry Jokes
Hunters, save them for your friends, your compadres, your amigos, and your old buddy-roos. They’ll love ’em. But definitely use off-the-cuff unexpected humor with women. Look on the light side of life and see something immediate and funny. Your clever comment will demonstrate your obvious superiority over all those other dull-witted Hunters vying for the lady’s favors.
Males, in their typically more rational, linear way of thinking, found the cartoons funnier faster. Why? Well, because they were cartoons. They were supposed to be funny. Guys love sitting around with a six-pack of beer telling jokes for competitive reasons too. May the best joke win! Some guys like sight gags. But women sense the truth: Even a gorilla laughs at another slipping on a banana peel.
Hunters and Huntresses, there are a multitude of ingenious ways to make your Quarry take the tumble on dates. I don’t want to be repetitive, however, so for more tips, I’ll refer you to my previous book, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. There you’ll find eighty-five ways to do that based on sociological studies and subtle persuasion techniques. Just promise me you’ll play fair and won’t misuse any of the “little tricks” therein!