The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there’s a man on base.
Americans hold many biases when it comes to judging credibility. Research shows that when it comes to breaking through and winning people over in tough situations, one of the most important biases is gender.
Before you have a chance to say anything, angry, worried, and suspicious people begin to assess whether you are a trustworthy and credible person, based in part on whether you are a man or a woman. They can’t help it. Perceptions of the roles that men and women play in society have been instilled in us by thousands of years of cultural traditions and beliefs.
Once again, perception is the key word. Remember the very first equation we discussed in Chapter 2: perception equals reality. When you’re faced with a hostile audience in a tough situation, you have to set aside your own reality when it comes to gender roles. You’re operating, as always, on the perception side of that equation.
Gender affects an audience’s take on every element of your CODE score: caring, openness, dedication, and expertise. So let’s review each criterion in turn.
When I train people in the strategies, skills, and techniques necessary to break through and win people over, I ask participants to raise their hands if they think that, in general, women are more caring than men. Almost every hand in the room goes up. Then I ask how many think men are more caring than women. I have yet to see a serious hand go up (occasionally one guy will throw up his hand just to get a laugh).
My personal mini polls support the broader academic research. The vast majority of Americans, both men and women, believe that women are more caring than men, simply by virtue of their gender. Women take care of people. They work as nurses and teachers. They worry about other people’s feelings as well as their own. In contrast, men are callous and closed off. They’re selfish. They don’t talk about their feelings—or so most people think. Society reinforces these biases. When was the last time you saw a television sitcom where the mother is a bungling oaf and the father is the caring, soothing voice of reason?
We all know that plenty of men are very caring; I like to think of myself that way. Certainly I’ve known women who aren’t. Plenty of men are nurses and teachers. But the overwhelming perception is that the average woman is far more caring than the average man. As we learned in Chapter 5, caring accounts for 50 percent of your CODE score, so this is a very important truth. Again, set aside your personal biases. You’re operating on the perception side of the equation, and most people—both men and women—in a tough situation will automatically assume a woman is more caring than a man.
Later on, in Chapter 10, we’re going to review a model for structuring responses to the most difficult questions that angry, worried, and suspicious people ask in tough situations. The first part of that response involves expressing caring and empathy. Now you know why men have to spend more time doing that than women.
Most Americans—again, both men and woman—consider women to be more open than men. Women like to talk about their feelings. They tell their friends everything. Men only want to talk about sports, if they want to talk at all. When I conduct my mini polls and ask which gender my clients believe to be more open, almost every hand goes up to vote for women. Only a few people raise their hands in favor of men.
This means that if you’re a man walking into a tough situation, your audience will be more likely to believe that you’re willing to lie to them—or at least to mislead them. It takes extra effort for men to boost the openness portion of their CODE scores, because it starts at a much lower level to begin with.
It’s not that women can’t lose openness points; the mere fact of their gender only gets women so far. During our training sessions, we often show a clip from an old segment that aired on ABC’s 20/20 program. The story is about usury, or charging unreasonably and even illegally high interest rates on credit card balances. One of the banks featured in the story—not one of my firm’s clients—was smart enough to provide a female spokesperson for an interview. Unfortunately, she made almost every mistake in the book. She looked guilty and scared, because her eyes darted from side to side and up and down. Most importantly, when asked a very simple question, she gave an evasive, confusing answer. When the reporter asked the question again, she contradicted herself and then finally said she didn’t know the answer. Her CODE score plummeted, and she failed to break through and win anyone over.
Who wakes up, feeds the kids, takes them to school, goes to work, picks up the kids, drives them to after-school activities, cooks dinner, cleans up, helps with homework, puts the kids to the bed, and then prepares everything for the next day—Mom or Dad? Meanwhile, who comes home, collapses into a chair in the family room with a beer, and watches the ball game?
Most of us realize that that’s not the reality in many American homes these days, including mine. I’m a single dad of two wonderful but, let’s face it, demanding kids. That list of activities in the previous paragraph describes one of my typical days. But because I’m a man, most Americans assume I lack dedication. To win people over, I have to convince people that I’m dedicated—not to mention caring and open.
It’s important to note that people don’t subtract and add gender-based CODE points consciously; they mostly do it without thinking about it. And since I’m writing this book during an election year, I’ll point out that perceptions of trust and credibility based on gender drive presidential campaigns as well. Now you know why candidates trot out their families every chance they get, and even why they kiss the proverbial babies. Since every major-party presidential nominee has been a man, the candidates have had to show Americans that they’re caring, open, and dedicated.
By this point in the mini-poll portion of my training sessions, the men are starting to get a little depressed. They’ve learned that no matter what they may be like in real life, people who don’t know them will assume that they’re uncaring, closed off, and selfish in tough situations. So I throw them a bone, in the form of the fourth CODE criterion: expertise. Finally, we’ve come to a category in which men prevail! Ask Americans whether men or women are more expert at their jobs, and most Americans will choose men. As with the other criteria, this is true whether you ask men or women.
As Figure 7.1 shows, a woman walks into a tough situation with a CODE score of 80. As we discussed, that doesn’t mean a woman’s credibility can’t erode if she makes mistakes, but most angry, worried, and suspicious people will find a woman to be more trustworthy and credible simply by virtue of her gender. A man, in contrast, enters the same situation with a CODE score of only 20—and with a much steeper hill to climb. It should come as no surprise then that when my firm works with clients who need to break through and win people over in tough situations, we counsel them to send a woman.
FIGURE 7.1 Gender and the CODE Score for Credibility
This figure demonstrates how women dominate men when it comes to the CODE score. The check marks indicate which gender walks into a tough situation with a head start for each criterion.
Barbara Longsworth
When I discuss the credibility gender gap in training sessions, someone invariably asks me a version of the following question: “Let’s say the audience is a group of angry, male auto mechanics. Wouldn’t it make more sense to send a male mechanic to talk to them?”
I answer by telling the audience to remember that both men and women perceive women to be more caring, open, and dedicated, and men to be more expert. Even if she’s facing a room full of suspicious men, a female auto mechanic still walks onto the stage with a CODE score of 80. In a scenario like this one, she may have to work harder to earn the other 20 points for expertise, but it’s still easier for a woman to convince her audience that she’s an expert than for a man to convince his audience that he’s caring, open, and dedicated.
By now I hope it has become clear that one of this book’s sub-themes is that you need to take into consideration society’s impact on people’s perceptions and attitudes and to adjust your approach based on how these perceptions and attitudes change over time. This is particularly true when it comes to gender bias, because those perceptions and attitudes are evolving before our eyes.
Every year, more men become stay-at-home dads, and more women become doctors, lawyers, and other professionals. In fact, that describes my best friend’s household exactly. And in 2008, we had our first truly credible female candidate for president. During the summer of 2010, the Supreme Court welcomed its fourth female justice, Elena Kagan. As the roles of men and women in society change, so too will people’s perceptions of and attitudes toward their respective levels of trust and credibility.
I see the evolution in my own work. Fifteen years ago, when I asked clients whether men or women are more dedicated, women won overwhelmingly. When I ask the same question today, the vote still favors women—but not by as much. I remember the first training session, in September 2010, when the vote tilted a little bit toward men for the first time (granted, that particular session included a lot of men). Women in my sessions also increasingly bristle at the idea that men are perceived to be more expert simply because they are men. Women continue to dominate when it comes to caring and openness in my mini polls, but I suspect that will begin to change soon as well.
What’s clearly true is that over the next 10 or 20 years, the credibility gender gap will continue to narrow. One day, it may disappear altogether. Until then, the credibility gender gap is very real and an important part of breaking through and winning people over.
Women should take every opportunity to bolster the expertise portion of their CODE scores, while men need to emphasize aspects of their lives that demonstrate they are caring, open, and dedicated. The fact is you can overcome these gender biases, whatever your gender, in any situation. Here are some tips for both genders.
The following guidelines are important for both men and women:
Bolster your CODE scores on paper. Look for opportunities to share your bio before you enter a tough situation (and when you’re applying for a job or gunning for a promotion). Take a look at what your bio conveys in terms of credibility. Chances are it’s filled with information about your accomplishments at work, degrees you’ve earned, and awards you’ve won. That’s terrific if you’re a woman. Women have to bolster the expertise portion of their CODE scores, so details like those make sense. Men are already assumed to be experts; they don’t need to convince anyone with a long list of credentials. Instead, men need to find a way to emphasize activities that bolster the other elements of their CODE scores. Do you coach Little League? Devote time to a charity? Serve on the board of your kids’ daycare center? Add those to your bio.
Take control of how you’re introduced. In tough situations where someone is going to introduce you, make sure the introduction includes information that will bolster the CODE criteria you lack because of your gender. For women, that means your years of experience, academic degrees, and awards you’ve won. For men, include some information about your family, hobbies, community service, and charitable activities, along with the more traditional information. Before I start any training presentation, I ask the person who introduces me to mention that I’m a single father of two who enjoys running and reading. Even though I rarely speak in tough situations (I leave that to my clients), I find that a little caring, openness, and dedication in an introduction helps to establish a bond with my audiences.
Dress for success. As we discussed in Chapter 6, the way we dress sends a lot of signals about how caring, open, dedicated, and expert we are. Remember that both men and women should dress one level above what their audience is wearing. So if the audience will be wearing T-shirts and jeans, wear slacks and a dress shirt. If the audience will be wearing slacks and dress shirts, wear a suit. Women need to avoid gaudy jewelry, low-cut blouses, and short skirts. Men should steer away from shirts or ties with crazy patterns. In other words, eliminate anything that will distract people from what you’re saying.
I wrote part of this chapter during one of the business conventions I attend every year. During a break, I sat in on a session about how organizations can tap into their grassroots and influence public policy. In Washington, D.C., we call it “advocacy.” From the very beginning of the session, I felt like something was wrong. The two presenters weren’t connecting with me, and I found my mind wandering. About 10 minutes in, it hit me: they were under-dressed—especially the man, who had on a short-sleeve button-down shirt, untucked, paired with dirty, wrinkled khakis. I thought to myself, “You know, it wouldn’t kill him to at least wear a sports coat to show us a little respect. He’s not taking this seriously.” I wasn’t listening to what he was saying because I was distracted by what he was wearing. This wasn’t a tough situation; certainly I wasn’t angry, worried, and suspicious. But I noticed what the presenters were wearing, and it gave me a negative feeling. I wound up leaving the session early so I could run back to my hotel room and add this anecdote to this chapter.
The following tips will help women address their perceived disadvantage in expertise:
Work in some numbers. Research shows that people interpret math skills as a sign of an organized, analytical—and therefore expert—mind. Women can use this to their advantage. If you’re itemizing factors or features or reasons, number them when speaking and writing. As I’ve said, my firm does a lot of work for the nuclear power industry, so I’ll use that as an example here. Say you’ve expressed caring and empathy and want to share three reasons why next-generation nuclear reactors are superior to those that exist today. Do it this way: “Number one, these reactors incorporate passive safety features that work even if the plant loses power. Number two, next-generation reactors produce less waste than today’s models. Number three, like all reactors, next-generation versions emit no greenhouse gases.” If you’re speaking in public, hold up one, two, and then three fingers as you’re listing the reasons. Men can do this, too, although it’s not necessary. It certainly won’t subtract from men’s CODE scores.
Speak with authority. You know you’re an expert, but if you’re a woman, your tone of voice and air of authority are critical in getting others to believe what you say. Candy Tymson, an Australian expert on gender communications and author of the 2003 book Gender Games: Doing Business with the Opposite Sex, advises her female clients to “speak up . . . and stand up for yourself,” especially when communicating with men. With our clients, my firm recommends that women lower the pitch of their voices slightly and avoid sounding deferential or self-effacing. We also encourage women to avoid discussing anything that may be perceived as overly personal; women don’t need the caring, openness, and dedication points, and getting too personal can make it harder to earn those last 20 expertise points. Communications expert Rosalind Sedacca also advises women to “avoid raising your voice in a questioning tone at the end of sentences. When your voice goes up, your credibility goes down.”
Suppress the urge to smile. Remember that the research on the use of humor in tough situations has evolved, and my firm now counsels our clients not even to smile. While this applies equally to men and women, women tend to smile more often. They also respond more positively to people who smile at them, which means they’re more likely to smile back. It’s an urge that women especially have to resist.
Although men are at a disadvantage on three criteria, this single tip can help them address all three perceived weaknesses:
Speak with feeling. Men can show caring through the way they present themselves and what they discuss. In tough situations, a man must find ways to connect emotionally, such as mentioning his wife and kids, his experience in the community, or something that touched him about the topic or issue he’s discussing. Remember all the things Mr. Malone did right in Chapter 5. It’s also essential that men show they are caring, open, and dedicated by expressing empathy with the concerns of their audiences.
Let me close with one last anecdote. One of my firm’s clients recently came under attack from critics who questioned the way the company did business. National Public Radio (NPR) decided to devote an hour to the story and invited our client to participate in an interview. Because NPR planned to have two critics on the program, we offered two spokespeople of our own: one man and one woman. Going in, I was a little worried about the man, because both critics were women, and this was definitely a tough situation. Plus the NPR program was a call-in show, and I knew plenty of angry, worried, and suspicious people would call in.
As it turned out, both of our spokespeople did great. If anything, the man came across as more caring and open, and the woman nudged him slightly on expertise. They made quite a team. It’s a reminder that with practice and preparation, both men and women can break through and win people over in tough situations (although, all other things being equal, if you have a choice, send a woman).
Tough situations include potentially hostile media interviews. In the next chapter, I’ll share what we’ve learned that can help you succeed if you ever find yourself in front of a camera or confronted by a newspaper reporter.