INTRODUCTION: MAKING THE WORLD GO

Sex is like air: It’s no big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

—Unknown

With all due respect to whoever first coined the phrase, it isn’t love that makes the world go round, it’s sex. Think about it. (Like you’re ever not thinking about it!)Without sex, there’d be no kissing, no orgasms, no new life on the planet, no suggestive jokes on television—the list goes on and on. So in a sense, even if it’s not responsible for the actual turning of the planet on its axis, sex does make the world go. And it’s literally everywhere, not just in your bedroom or hot tub or kitchen or tree house: it’s pervasive in just about every form of entertainment out there; its influence is reaching kids sooner than it ever has; and as much as they try to keep it out, sex is all over the workplace, too.

So don’t you think you’d better have some idea how to do it? Honestly, sex has evolved as quickly as people have in the twenty-first century. It was probably never as cut and dried as some people would have you believe—surely not too many people still subscribe to the in-out-repeat school of coitus—but these days, there are as many ways to do it as there are ways to order coffee (and as many accoutrements, too!). So here we’re presenting some basic information, answering questions, giving you tips for how to get it on in style, and even providing some erotic fiction to inspire you to even greater sexual heights. We’ve broken things down into five parts:

 Part 1: Solo Sex (masturbation)

 Part 2: Duets (one-on-one sex)

 Part 3: Three’s Company (threesomes)

 Part 4: A Swingin’ Party (group sex)

 Part 5: Extreme Kink (the stuff that’s weird to 99 percent of the population).

Remember, as Woody Allen once said, “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” We aim to answer some of those questions in this book.

For those of you who think you already know it all—ha! You couldn’t possibly. There’s bound to be something in here you never knew or something you never even thought to ask! This book really does have it all; just look how long it is! In these pages, you’ll find a veritable smorgasbord of sexual information: everything from masturbating in the shower to handcuffing your lover to the radiator and all the delightful stuff in between. In addition to basic principles of sexuality and ideas and tips for practical use, we’ve included some motivational erotica at the end of each section, also grouped by subject. Think of the stories as illustrations of the principles you’ve just studied. (Yeah, that’s what they are.)

Whether you’re interested in heightening your own pleasure with your partner of twenty-five years or getting a person you’ve known for twenty-five minutes to agree to dress up as an exterminator and spray you with insecticide, this is your guide. There’s always more to learn about the world’s favorite subject.

ASSORTED DISCLAIMERS

Although there are jokes throughout this book about any number of sexual situations and inclinations, we mean to go at this in a way that is open-minded and not judge anyone’s preferences or predilections. As long as no one gets hurt who doesn’t want to, it’s okay by us.

As you read through this menu of delights, you may notice that there are more “every woman is different” caveats than there are “every man is different” warnings. That’s because the mechanics for men are basically the same, whereas women experience orgasms in a couple of different ways. That doesn’t mean that all men like the same things, and it doesn’t always mean that women are more complicated than men or that something that got one woman off won’t work with another.

It’s important to remember as you read that every person is different both anatomically and in what turns him or her on. This also means that the fact that something works with one partner or group doesn’t mean that it will work with another. Explore. Ask. That’s the fun of it.

The stories in this book are meant as fantasies to get you off. They are not necessarily how-to guides. For instance, we demand that you practice safe sex, especially as you add more and more people to the scenario; however, in many of the stories, semen is flying everywhere and the characters aren’t always being as careful as they should.

Please, approach everything in this book (or at least everything you choose to approach in this book) with a healthy sense of humor … and hygiene.