CHAPTER TWO
Proactive Tools
TOOLS FOR THE FAMILY
TOOLS FOR KIDS
The preparation step, here
Bag of tricks, here
Filling the tank, here
Restaurants: Baby steps, high expectations, here
Child-led play, here
TOOLS FOR ADULTS
When you want to yell, here
Find someone to talk to, here
Filling your own tank, here
Clear and calm your mind—mindfulness, here
Remember from chapter 1 that emotions are like waves. Imagine you and your little cocaptain are in your boat together. Small, rolling waves of emotion move the boat throughout the day. Now imagine that, as the parent, you have the advantage of being able to read the water and see the bigger waves or storms ahead. Your experience and foresight (your parenting binoculars) allow you to plan ahead and see trouble spots on the horizon. You know the signs that you or your child is running low on energy, food, or sleep, and when transitions will be hard. This helps you plan ahead and anticipate difficult moments, rather than only reacting after they happen.
This chapter outlines important proactive tools. When you use them, you will notice that you have fewer stuck or overwhelmed moments, and that you can move through them more easily. There will always be struggles and meltdowns, and we don’t want you to try to circumvent all of them. Flip your thinking from “I hope we have a good day today. No tantrums, okay?” to “We don’t know what today will be like, but let’s see. We’re in it together!”
Tools for the Family
These are practices that will help the family as a whole.
Family Meetings
So often, when we work with families who are struggling with difficult behaviors or challenging moments with their kids, we’ll ask them, “What’s your family agreement about that kind of thing?” or “Have you talked about this at a family meeting?” Most of the time we get blank looks. Family meetings just aren’t something many of us ever did or considered. But they are an effective, even essential practice.
Family meetings are a great way to help establish open lines of communication, as well as family expectations (see an example of family agreements in chapter 5, here). The tone of family meetings is positive, can-do-together, rather than scolding or negative. In family meetings, all ideas are welcome. Listen to each person’s input with your attune tools. You can start off family meetings with phrasings like these:
So, we have our weekend trip coming up. I have some information about that.
I wanted to talk about getting out the door in the morning for school. It still feels hard, and I wanted to see who has ideas.
How’s everyone doing with the screen time agreements we set up? Should we look at them again, or are they working well?
Who has something they want to share or talk about?
It helps when the agenda for the meeting includes all kinds of family doings. If you make it about only problem and rules, everyone will come to dread it. Give everyone a chance to say something. Include kids in family meetings as young as possible. Your toddler might at first wander off, but over time, she’ll see this as a regular practice that everyone takes part in, and (as long as it has a tone of togetherness) she’ll eventually want to be involved. In family meetings, let everyone share ideas and bring up issues important to them. If your three-year-old’s contribution is that she likes the new magnets on the refrigerator, or if she repeats a funny piece of dialogue from the latest Disney movie, thank her for her thoughts and move to the next person. If your older child wants to take notes, that’s great. Look at all the ideas and circle the ones that work best, given the family agreements. Create an overall visual diagram of the meeting to refer back to.
We worked with a mom who told us family meetings turned into a “complainfest” that her school-age daughters would nag and whine through. We suggested turning their criticisms into direct wishes or ideas for the future. At the next meeting, when her daughters starting complaining, she said,
That sounds hard—you’re saying she hurt your feelings. So, as you know, in family meetings we say what we do want, not what we don’t want. Make a clear statement to your sister about what your idea or request is.
Mom kept the meeting from turning negative by validating her daughters’ feelings, while putting the focus on new ideas and problem solving. Within a few weeks, the daughters were able to use the family meetings to talk to each other productively.
Have a family meeting once a week, or at least once a month. Any family member can also call an unscheduled family meeting.
Couples Meetings
Kids feel less anxious and more contained when they know their parents are on the same page. Presenting a united front can make a big difference in decreasing kids’ confusion and their inclination to test out potentially negative behaviors. Kids are less likely to play one parent against the other and parents are less likely to cave on a limit because they want to be the popular one. We’ve worked with all kinds of families on this idea: single parents, separated parents, multigenerational families, families with nannies, and so forth. One of the best gifts you can give to each other and your kids is to find common ground and have strategies you agree on and rules you stick to.
Talk about this book. Each of you doesn’t have to use the exact same words, but the overall ALP approach can help you be consistent and predictable to your kids. Talk about problems, solutions, new family rules, changes in routines, or expectations with your partner first. This way, you can present new information to your kids together. If your partner isn’t there and something important arises that you’re not sure how to handle, let your kids know you’ll discuss it and get back to them.
Of course, I have to check with Mom. We’re a team.
Don’t criticize your partner in front of your kids on a parenting issue. Make a note to discuss it in private later. The respect your partner will feel and the opportunity to work out disagreements privately can improve the cohesiveness and sense of peace in your family. It also gives both of you time for the big emotions to pass and for your more rational, helpful self to emerge.
Show affection. Being affectionate (in a nonsexual way) with your partner in front of your kids has positive effects, including increasing their sense of security and giving them an example of a healthy relationship. Make a habit of warm hugs and kisses at hello and good-bye, holding hands or a hand on the shoulder to show support or for no reason at all, and say, “I love you.” A nod of the head, a smile, a look of “I get it, I know you” conveys a connection and our kids pick up on these small gestures. We tend to be more affectionate with our kids than we are with our partners. If we can share something we’ve learned in many years of parenting classes and couples therapy, parents miss and long for those simple shows of affection that they remember from their early days as a couple. These baby steps can bring a couple closer again.
Why and how to fight in front of your kids. Constructive arguing with your partner in front of your kids can have a positive effect, as long as your communication with each other is respectful and shows effective conflict resolution skills. If every time you disagree you say, “Not in front of the kids,” your kids never have a model for how to work through a disagreement in a kind and empathic way. Modeling ALP with each other (partner to partner) in front of your kids is a powerful teaching tool. It lets them know that you can love someone while not always having the same ideas or getting along perfectly. Listen to each other and let the other know you understand (attune step); set your boundaries or state the reality (limit-setting step); and come up with a solution, compromise, or something to try next time (problem-solving step).
Tools for Kids
The Preparation Step
The preparation step is a helpful proactive tool for many different settings, and it’s a small investment that can have a large payoff. Preparing for a new circumstance or change of environment and the expectations involved before it happens can make a big difference. You’ll see the “prep step” used strategically in certain scripts throughout the book.
For example, if you know there’s a trouble spot on the horizon, or if something has become a pattern, you will reap huge benefits by talking it out before it happens again.
Okay, we’re going to be eating in a restaurant—on our way there can anyone tell me what rules we have in restaurants? We stay with our bottoms or knees in the chair—super. What else? Yes, we talk in an inside voice—good one! Who has another one?
We’re headed to the birthday party, and I had a thought. I remember last time when you felt really upset in the bouncy house because the kids were much bigger. What could we do this time—wanna give me a signal if it’s getting too rough?
Since we’re going to the park and there will be other friends there, I’m reminding you that we use gentle touch when we’re playing, and keep everyone’s bodies safe.
Think aloud with your kids during the preparation step:
(Parent bends down to talk to two kids at eye level): You two are sitting next to each other, do you think that’s going to work? Will you be able to focus, or is it going to be distracting for you?
I see you starting to take the Legos out. I know it’s hard to stop doing something in the middle of it when you’re having fun. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes and then you’ll need to pause, will that work?
Getting out the door, having a diaper changed, shifting into bedtime routine, coming in and out of the car, coming to the dinner table, turning off the TV, leaving a friend’s house—all of these transition moments are ripe for struggle and big feelings. Whenever possible, give your child a prep step. We prefer to phrase this in the positive, as in, “Do your last thing,” or “Three-minute heads-up,” rather than the more ominous-sounding, “Five-minute warning!”
We’re heading out in five minutes—everyone do your last thing!
Five-minute heads-up.
Three more minutes until we shift into wind-down mode.
We’re almost at school—does everyone know what to do when I park?
In two minutes, we’re all going to start cleaning up.
Daddy’s going to change your diaper in two minutes.
It may sound funny to give a baby a heads-up when she has no concept of time, but the point is to communicate respectfully and eventually children learn that we prepare them rather than just plucking them up. Over time, this helps them become an integrated part of the team.
Even when you use your most brilliantly timed preparation step, you may still need all your ALP steps, and that’s okay. Refer to chapter 5 for ALP for listening and cooperation.
The prep step can take place a day before.
I added some items to the calendar on the refrigerator. Can everyone come and take a look at what’s on this week?
I’ve got the bath running. Everyone lay out your clothes and pack your backpacks for tomorrow before hopping in.
Checking in with you—are your ballet slippers where you need them for tomorrow?
You can start doing this with babies, because they absorb your intentions even when they don’t understand every word. Planning the day before makes morning departures smoother. It’s also considerate and kind to let your kids know what to expect rather than dragging and herding them around. Just like you would tell your partner or friend—rather than carrying them from place to place all day—talk to your kids and let them know what to expect.
We worked with the parents of a three-year-old girl named Maya who had very strong, loud opinions. Her mom and dad seemed terrified of her reactions and tiptoed around her, trying desperately to please her. In many ways, she was in charge instead of her parents. One of their biggest challenges was getting her dressed for school in the morning. No matter how many different outfits they offered her, Maya dug her heels in and wouldn’t wear any of them. We’d been working with the parents on ALP and suggested they add a prep step, having her choose her clothes the night before. They came to the next session saying it didn’t work. “What happened?” we asked. “Oh, she changed her mind again,” the mom lamented. “Wait, sounds like you forgot the ‘L’ step,” we commented. It was true; she needed her parents to hold the limit. When she melted down, they had to empathize, but not allow her to change her mind after the clothes had been chosen. It took her four mornings to trust they meant business. After that, she got in the rhythm of choosing clothes the night before and sticking with the choice, and dressing went much more smoothly.
Filling the Tank
When your kids are running low on their basic needs for sleep, healthy food, exercise, and downtime, they are more vulnerable to feeling stressed and acting out. Review the following needs to see if the family needs to refill.
Sleep. Improving sleep, on its own, can turn around what seems like a behavioral problem. When kids are sleep deprived, even by just thirty minutes per night, they are less capable of managing their emotions and more likely to have tantrums and other behavioral issues. When we sleep, information is transferred from short-term to long-term memory and learning is solidified. Well-rested people are more creative, flexible, and better able to solve problems. The issue we see every day in our practice is that kids do not tell us (with words) when they need more sleep, they need us to know their sleep needs and make sleep a priority. In fact, sleep-deprived kids often look wired and hyperactive, so it’s easy to miss the signs they need an earlier bedtime. It’s up to us as parents to protect this building block of health.
Toddlers need eleven to twelve hours of nighttime sleep, plus a nap. School-age children still need ten to twelve hours of nighttime sleep. If you believe your child is not getting enough sleep or his sleep habits are a struggle, it’s a good idea to read our book The Happy Sleeper for specific strategies on improving bedtime, nighttime, and naptime sleep problems or refer to TheHappySleeper.com for individual help.
Food. When we don’t eat well, low energy, shakiness, difficulty concentrating, and irritability hijack our frustration tolerance and emotional flexibility. As grown-ups, we can identify our own feelings of hunger and fix it immediately, but imagine if these feelings came over you and you had no idea why or how to make them go away—this is how little kids feel when they’re hungry.
From The Happy Sleeper
Keep this in mind as you plan your day. Do you need snacks for the car at school pickup or ice water after soccer practice? Here are two tips when using the prep step for hunger:
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Make the snacks healthy and low in sugar (avoid juices and sweetened foods). Think mini versions of meals. Julie’s mom would respond to the predinner “I’m so hungry” pleas by doling out carrot sticks to her four kids. Carrots have just enough natural sugar to quickly temper the grumpiness and buy a little time.
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Pay attention to the time. If it’s been about three hours or more since the last meal or snack, hunger may be the cause of difficult behavior. Avoid offering food as a way to soothe, distract, or as a bribe, as this can lead to emotional eating.
Movement. Exercise has an immediate effect on a person’s state of mind. Research suggests that even taking a brief walk increases creativity. When people exercise, they perform better on tests of executive function (organizing thoughts and making decisions), and over time, exercise promotes the creation of new brain cells in the hippocampus—an area of the brain important for learning and memory. We all have more focus, patience, and energy when we get up and move our bodies on a regular basis.
There are many ways to use movement proactively. Talk a walk while you problem solve, schedule movement breaks every fifteen minutes during homework, use standing desks at home, do jumping jacks or handstands when you know everyone’s tank is almost empty, or dance to music while you clear the table. Find your family’s best ways to keep moving.
Overscheduling. It’s great to have piano lessons and playdates, but most of us can feel when it’s too much. When kids are overscheduled, life becomes hectic, preplanned, and parent directed. They end up being led around by a grown-up all day: to school, child care, sports, errands, music, ballet, homework, chores, dinner, and bedtime. They don’t feel in control of their lives. It doesn’t leave breathing room to let moments unfold spontaneously, based on whatever idea comes up and whoever is around.
When too many life elements collide, kids are more likely to have emotional floods. The antidote to this is to protect unscheduled downtime and to use child-led play (here). Get rid of one after-school activity; have a screen-free, reading-only day on the weekend; take a destinationless walk in the neighborhood; lie in the grass and look at trees; clear out excess toys and put open journals and markers out on the coffee table; have a bubble bath after school—all of these will help.
As with sleep and hunger, kids can’t necessarily identify that they’re overscheduled, ask to slow down, or know how good it will feel, so you will need to guide them. Talk explicitly about your family’s ways of finding balance.
We’re taking a break from soccer this round, so we can keep open afternoons for just seeing what happens.
Nature. Being in nature has been found to lower levels of stress hormones, improve mood, and increase cognitive abilities. One study found that gardening for thirty minutes significantly reduced stress chemicals, even more than thirty minutes of reading. Another found that walking in nature reduced activity in the part of the brain responsible for rumination (continuously thinking about things that upset you). That means nature can often get us “unstuck.” Being in green spaces is mentally and physically good for us. Practicing mindfulness (here) in nature is a double positive: Notice the branches, admire the flowers, track the clouds as they move across the sky. Go out at night and find the moon, or look at the stars. Shift focus to what your kids notice outside that you probably wouldn’t notice on your own: the pebbles lining the flower patch or the caterpillar crawling along the branch.
Leave while you’re having fun. Let’s say you’re at a party and, for the first time in weeks, you’re catching up with friends or family, reveling in grown-up conversation, and being out of your humdrum routine. It feels amazing, so you push it just a bit further. Next thing you know, you’ve been out way longer than you planned, it’s past bedtime, and the kids have consumed nothing but frosted cookies and juice boxes. This is when things fall apart. In an overstimulated, undernourished zone, kids’ patience and reason are gone and you are faced with crankiness, resistance, and possibly full-on tantrums. It can take days for children to make up for lost sleep, so emotional fragility and stuck moments are common in the days following a big night. If you can, decide ahead of time when it would make sense to leave an event, and do your best to stick to it. There will be times when you’re sacrificing an hour of fun, but if everyone feels balanced, you can look forward to your next outing instead of dreading the aftermath.
RESTAURANTS
BABY STEPS, WITH HIGH EXPECTATIONS
We take for granted all the etiquette and social behaviors that go in to being in a restaurant. It’s a complex set of rules and expectations! A lot of parents feel nervous or avoid restaurants with babies and little kids, but we want you to do the opposite. Eating in a restaurant takes practice, and if you avoid it, your child won’t have good experiences to build on. On the other hand, if they learn early, bit by bit, then being a good restaurant-goer becomes like second nature. When kids are little, you may have to order your food when you first arrive at a restaurant and take your child on a little walk while waiting. At the same time, having high expectations, even of toddlers, will help over time.
State the expectations for restaurants:
When we’re eating, remember we stay on our bottoms or knees. That means we don’t go under the table or stand on the bench.
You guys already know this, but I’m reminding you to use an inside voice. Other people are eating and talking.
When the food comes, we put away our drawing materials and other toys. We eat and talk when the food is here. Anyone see any other toys on the table to put in the bag?
When we sit at the table, all our electronics go away. Mom, want to hand me your phone and I’ll put it in my bag?
If restaurants have been tricky, remind your kids of the expectations before you arrive. Eating is a communal family experience, which means it’s a chance for everyone to talk to each other. If little kids never use electronics at the dinner table or in restaurants, they won’t see it as an option and will have the chance to develop a natural interest and love of being with their favorite people over a meal (see more on screens in chapter 7). Ask for each person to share one high and one low of the day.
If your little one is disturbing other people, use your ALP steps. You may have to kindly remove her from the restaurant for calm down if she’s being too loud or disruptive. It’s perfectly fine to have big feelings, but they will have to happen outside the restaurant, on the sidewalk or somewhere else, since restaurants and dinner tables are just for eating, talking, laughing, and being together. Don’t worry at all if you end up signaling for the check and a to-go box and hightailing it out of there when no one is having fun. The more your kids practice, the better it gets.
FROM HEATHER
I love eating out, so from the time my kids were babies we’ve eaten regularly at restaurants, and not just “kid-friendly” ones. When they were really little, we had to work the hardest to engage and entertain them (my husband is exceedingly patient and would tie straws together into shapes that occupied them, or take them out to the sidewalk to look for doggies if the food was taking longer), and knew that restaurant trips might be on the brief side. Now, I always have a pack of markers and notebooks. I had a feeling that having high standards for restaurants—always sitting when the food came, clearing the table of toys or drawing materials, and never using electronics—would pay off in the long run. Eating out together is one of our favorite family activities.
FROM JULIE
When my son was little and I had run out of ideas at a restaurant and desperately wanted to eat my food before it got cold, I would ask the waiter for a glass of ice and a spoon. I put it in front of him and held it firmly with one hand while he got busy trying to spoon up the cubes. I would eat my food with my other hand. For sure a few ended up on the floor but it was a lifesaver!
Child-Led Play
Child-led play is a powerful and simple tool (so simple it’s actually hard to do!). If you incorporate the ideas of child-led play, you’ll see how it shifts your focus in a positive way, lessens power struggles, and helps your child become more emotionally regulated. Adopting the ideas, even just in a small way every day, will strengthen your relationship with your child.
The key in child-led play is to follow. This sounds simple, but for most of us, it’s really not. We’re used to making decisions, solving problems, relaying information, answering questions, and giving directions. Our minds are full of to-dos, so it’s hard to clear away the noise enough to focus, watch, and take a backseat. Sometimes it’s also hard not to get bored (how many train cars can you possibly link and vroom?) because the game may seem pointless or simple to you, but try to stay with your child for a short period and see where his ideas take you.
Children are little scientists, and their brains are primed to seek information based on the developmental skills they’re working on. This means their natural interests are very important, because they drive a child to conduct just the right experiments. Your role in child-led play is to be curious about what your little one is interested in, striving toward, or struggling with.
For Babies and Young Toddlers
You feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, dress them, move their bodies in and out of car seats, high chairs, and strollers, and decide what they can and cannot touch. When it comes to daily life, it’s your choice, your timing, and little kids pretty much have no say in the matter. Yes, this is essential and you wouldn’t be a good parent if you didn’t do this. But if we don’t consciously give little kids some control and time to show us what they want to do and explore, their tolerance for all the time you are in charge runs out quickly.
Babies and kids have a strong and natural need to show their favorite people (us) who they are and what they love. They need to see that we notice and share in their delight, which for babies could be as simple as a cardboard box or a cool-shaped stick. By giving them regular opportunities to show us, their need is satisfied.
How-tos for Babies and Young Toddlers
Set aside one or two twenty-minute periods of time during the day to try this practice. Let your baby know when it begins and ends. You can say something like, Let’s see what you’re into right now. Show me what you’re working on. Can I join you on the ground? (Yes, say this even before you think your baby can understand!)
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Create a safe space where you won’t have to limit set.
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Set out a few simple toys or objects.
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Turn off your devices and put away your phone.
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Take a deep breath and focus on the moment.
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Wait, watch, and follow what your child does, resisting the urge to correct or teach. If he’s interested in his hands, look at his hands too. If he’s working on rolling, watch him do it. If he brings out trains, notice and follow.
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Join in the play without taking over. Narrate and ask questions to help him follow through on his plans and expand on his ideas.
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Reflect back to him all of his emotions—the happy ones and the sad or frustrated ones. Use your facial expression, your body language, and, at times, your words.
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Be aware of not talking constantly. Nonverbal communication and silence lets your child be the one to take the lead.
If your toddler is mobile, child-led play will look different and often will be more active. One little boy we know was obsessed with brooms. Wherever he and his mom went, he looked for a broom. In the grocery store parking garage and the local library, they discovered where the broom was stored and pulled it out and swept. Who knows what this little boy was working on—maybe a physics experiment and probably a fascination with using a tool to complete a task. As a parent, you often won’t know exactly what they’re learning, but this mom understood that to her son in these moments, being able to use the broom meant the world. So when they weren’t in a rush, she’d stop and let him sweep until he was ready to move on.
For Kids
By not teaching, initiating, or overhelping, you allow your child not only to learn more and become more independent, but also to experience the thrill of having an idea and following through with it—all while making natural mistakes. This sense of agency and control over your own life has major benefits, and it’s very important that we give our kids an increasing amount of it as they grow. Research shows that people who feel in control (the opposite of feeling helpless) are significantly less anxious or depressed. They feel a fundamental sense of optimism and ability to persevere—because it comes from the inside, not because they’ve been told what to do all the time. Letting your child have times in which you follow his natural interests without teaching (as well as allowing him to make decisions, take responsibility for school work, and so forth) is part of this process.
How-tos for Kids
Let go of your agenda and redirect your focus to what your preschooler or school-age child is looking at, working on, or interested in. Say, Hey, can we do some playtime where you show me what you’re working on?
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Turn off your devices.
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Watch and listen to your child. If you feel your thoughts go to drafting a work e-mail in your mind, or wondering what’s in the refrigerator, that’s okay. Move your thoughts and attention back to what’s in front of you.
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Follow what she’s doing. Do the same thing alongside her or add to her project.
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Ask questions about the characters or plot. Take on a role if invited to imaginary play.
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Wonder aloud what she’s thinking about.
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Resist the urge to correct and teach.
For older children, digging in with them and learning about their favorite topics goes a long way. Lean into what your child loves (even if it’s garbage trucks, subway trains, or tea parties). You may not love it too, but you will know your child better and learn a lot along the way. You might find something fascinating about it and naturally get into it with them. Having children means you get to learn all kinds of information again, or for the first time. Do you remember the names of every planet and the order they go from the sun? Do you know the rules of baseball—if you watch a season you’ll probably get into it. Now you can talk and share interests with your kids. Helping them follow through on those interests, however random and seemingly small, builds their brain’s ability to focus, learn, and persevere.
Tools for Adults
When kids are having a tantrum, yelling at a sibling, not listening to you, or whining, it can be really hard to manage your own anger and frustration. If you yell or engage in power struggles, though, it escalates the conflict. If you can stay calm, or at least remove yourself until you are, the problem becomes easier to solve, and your relationship with your child will benefit.
When You Want to Yell
It’s hard to stay calm and communicate well when you’re flooded with anger and frustration. For some parents, this is absolutely the most challenging part of ALP. Here are some ways to help. Go to our website, nowsaythisbook.com, for a printable version of these tools.
Where do you feel it in your body? Your jaw clenched, your heart beating faster, starting to sweat or get slightly hot, tension in your neck, rolling your eyes, squinting, scrunching up your shoulders—what are the signs that you’re getting upset? If you’re attuned to yourself, you will be in much better control of what to do next.
Use self-talk. Choose one statement or question to say in your mind. For example,
What is she really telling me right now with her behavior?
I’m not a bad parent. I’m having normal feelings.
She is not manipulating me. She’s showing that something is difficult for her right now.
It’s my job to stay calm and be the bigger person.
To her, this moment is huge. This feels like the end of the world to her.
I can steer this ship through calm waters and stormy ones.
Jot down your own helpful self-talk:
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Visualize big feelings as waves. It’s okay for feelings to unsettle you, but they don’t have to capsize your boat. Remember your storm analogy from chapter 1. Take a deep breath and don’t say anything immediately unless you have to. The first words out of your mouth may not be the ones you really want to say. Imagine the waves rolling under you, rather than hitting you straight on. Intense emotions often soften within ninety seconds.
Remove yourself from the situation if you need to. Say something like,
I need to take space for a few seconds. I’ll be right back. I need a calm-down moment.
You can be transparent with your feelings to a degree, especially with older kids. Say,
You know, I’m starting to feel frustrated. I’m asking you to put on your shoes and I see it’s not happening. You know that feeling, when you’re waiting for someone and they’re not moving and you feel stuck?
I need to take a second here. Let’s talk about this in a minute. I need to sort this out in my mind.
You’re not perfect, and it’s okay for your kids to know that. There’s a balance to this, however, because you don’t want to abandon your child in the middle of a hard moment or make her worry about you. It’s good that your kids see you being comfortable expressing feelings and attuning to yourself (remember, ALP works in all directions), but also that they have a sense of you as being capable. So air the resolution, not just the problem. For example,
I was feeling frustrated, but I think I have an idea. When I took a break, I realized we didn’t plan this right. Let’s start over.
Put a cap on the conversation or exit. You don’t have to continue talking if you’ve done your three ALP steps.
I’m going to explain it again, but then I’m not going to talk about it anymore.
If you do lose your temper, it’s important to “repair.” See “Repair and Circle Back” (here).
Think about where your reactions come from. A thorough exploration of your childhood is outside the scope of this book, but start by asking yourself these questions:
What particular behaviors in your child bother you? How do they make you feel? Can you make sense of why?
Is there a quality or behavior of your child’s that reminds you of yourself (and makes you overreact)?
Does your child feel very different from yourself or from your expectations? Does this make it hard to let her be who she is?
Does it feel scary to let go of control of your child, even in moments when you know it’s okay to?
Did your parents yell or get angry quickly when you were a kid?
What are your preconceived notions of being a parent? What kind of expectations of parenthood do you have?
Are you able to be kind and accepting with yourself when you make a mistake or are you hard on yourself?
Are you sleeping well, eating well, exercising, and connecting with people who will listen and empathize with you? Our kids need us to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of them. See “Filling Your Own Tank” on the next page.
Practice mindfulness on a daily basis. Practice the mindfulness exercises in the next section.
Find Someone to Talk to
If you yell, feel angry or heated, and have a hard time staying open and understanding most of the time, you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist to explore your triggers and give you more tools. It can make all the difference in the world to have someone to understand you. When parents are listened to, they’re better able to listen to their children. It’s normal to “mess up” over and over, but if it feels almost impossible to employ ALP, that’s a sign you could use more support. In our practice, we coach and support parents, because shifting to ALP can be challenging at first.
Filling Your Own Tank
When you take care of yourself, your kids benefit. You have more patience, you’re less distracted, and you have more humor and better creative problem-solving skills.
This is no easy task. So often, parents feel they simply don’t have the time to even think about their own needs, much less do anything about them. We get it—it feels like a big juggling act. Small changes to your self-care and the balance in your life will reap long-term benefits. Look at this list and find one to start with. Make a small improvement on it tomorrow. The day after tomorrow, continue on with that improvement and add one more to it.
Sleep thirty minutes more per night. Sleep changes everything. Try a few simple healthy sleep habits. Go to bed at the same time every night (as much as humanly possible). If it’s hard to wake up when the alarm goes off, go to bed ten minutes earlier every night until you’re waking up refreshed. Do not look at your computer or phone for sixty minutes before getting into bed, even to just “check,” and keep your phone out of your bedroom. Use a regular alarm without a digital light, because it’s better to have total darkness and not check the time in the night. If you’re not sleeping well, avoid regularly consuming alcohol before bed. Wear a sleep mask if you’re waking up too early in the morning. If you’re not sleeping because your child is not sleeping, implement the effective strategies in The Happy Sleeper.
Feed yourself as you’d want your kids to eat. Pack yourself a healthy lunch and snacks along with those for your kids. Keep it simple. Try not to skip meals or turn to sweet, less healthy alternatives out of desperation. Divvy up dinner prep with your partner and kids. Eat sitting down without distraction.
Ask your friends and family for help. Who are the people who really listen to you? We work with parents all the time to lend support and guidance. We’re continually impressed by the enormity of their tasks and roles and how tirelessly they strive to be the best parents they can be. Sharing after-school care, playdates, driving, and more with other parents not only lightens your load, it’s more fun and it’s how you build your “village.” We are communal creatures. Since most of us live in separate homes these days, we have to consciously create ways to connect with other families. Reaching out for help is an important life skill and one that many of us need to intentionally make an effort to acquire. It sounds funny to have to make an effort to ask for help, but it’s true, many of us need to adjust our belief system for this one.
Clear and Calm Your Mind—Mindfulness
We have a powerful tool to use in our win-win parenting approach: mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice both old and new. People have practiced mindfulness for thousands of years, and more recently, its positive effects on health and well-being have been demonstrated through psychological and neuroscience research. There are many ways to define mindfulness. Here is one of our favorite definitions, from researcher and author Jon Kabat-Zinn. Mindfulness is:
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paying attention
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on purpose
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in the present moment
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without judgment
The practice of mindfulness is central to this book. When you are mindful, you focus on what is in front of you and let go of distractions, to-do lists, negative thoughts, worries, and more. Mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress levels, improve cognition and attention, help children with ADHD, and improve school performance.
Here, we will give you some ideas for exercises to help you and your children flex and strengthen the mental muscles of mindfulness. This is a practice, a way of being that takes time to develop. Think of it as strengthening a muscle that you especially need in difficult moments. If you’ve done your exercises, your muscle is strong and poised to help when you need it the most. People who practice mindfulness regularly have a longer fuse, a better ability to see the other’s perspective, and tend to choose thoughtfully how to respond to a difficult, emotional moment.
Mindfulness helps you attune. You connect with your child’s internal mental world and are open to what is really happening with her in the moment. If you can hear and understand your child in her most vulnerable, challenging states, this unconditional love builds a sense of trust and safety that she will carry with her forever. Mindfulness also helps you set limits. It allows you to consciously choose your responses, rather than react from a knee-jerk, automatic stance.
Mindfulness shifts you from
Knee-jerk to Attuned
Automatic to Receptive
Reactive to Intentional
Thoughtless to Thoughtful
When we are mindful as parents, we also cultivate and nourish our attachment relationships with our babies and kids as they grow. The more present we are, the more our children trust us and the more securely attached they become—this helps them grow naturally more independent over time.
The great news is that mindfulness goes in all directions. Use it with your child, but also with your partner, family, friends, strangers, and yourself. We say “yourself,” because you can use mindfulness to be aware of, kind, and patient with yourself. This helps you extend this way of being to the people around you.
Mindfulness Exercises
The key is to choose something that fits into daily life, whether it’s joining a class, practicing yoga, listening to guided meditations, or choosing a simple daily meditation. Set yourself up for success, rather than having one more thing that you feel bad about not getting to each day. Here are a few very simple, doable, and even fun ideas.
Observe Your Child
This one is simple and rewarding. Stop doing what you’re doing and look, listen, and take in your baby or child. Watch him for five or ten minutes and resist the urge to do or change (unless he’s upset). Take a deep breath and try to imagine what he is doing, what he wants and doesn’t want, and what he is feeling. Let it all be okay. We do this in our Mommy and Me classes and it always shifts the dynamic in the room to one of calm, awe, and togetherness.
Walking and Listening Meditation
You can do this exercise while walking anywhere, or even pushing a stroller along the street, down the hall, up the hill. Turn your focus to sounds. Notice every variety of sound you hear while you’re walking. An airplane flying overhead, your feet on the sidewalk, a dog barking, a whizzing car, a buzz in the background, a conversation next to you. If you start thinking about something else, shift your focus back to the sounds. Do this for five minutes one day, and build up your time until you reach twenty minutes at a time. When you feel overwhelmed and distracted, start this meditation, and, over time, it will become easier because the mental pathways are stronger.
Water and Feeling Meditation
You can do this while washing the dishes, taking a shower, or watering the plants. Let your mind tune in to the feel of the water on your skin, the sensations of suds, the temperature. Let go of thoughts about the past or what will happen later today and just focus on the feeling of water. Imagine that the water sweeps away the negative thoughts and worries in your mind. You can add the previous listening meditation so you’re listening to the water sounds.
Morning Meditation
Let’s face it, lying in bed may be one of the few times you have to yourself. No one has to know you’re awake. Just take five minutes to lie or sit in your bed with your eyes closed and notice your breath going in and out. Slow it down a little. You can even add a little mantra. “Let” on the inhale and “go” on the exhale is one example. Make up your own. Don’t overthink it. Just do five minutes each day, very simple, and see how it goes.
Take Off Your Filters
Babies and kids do this naturally. They take in many more details in their environment. We tend to filter out a lot and miss nuance, beauty, and details that would inform us. Try looking around you, in the coffee shop or store, as you walk down the street, when you come into your home at the end of the day. What do you see, hear, smell, notice? Try changing the route you take home or to school every day to one that you haven’t seen before, or that is more pleasant. While you walk, notice everything in front of you.
Be Mindful Together
Practice simple meditations and relaxation tools with your kids when everything is calm. Then you can pull them out when things go awry and your kids’ brains will be primed to move to a calmer, more open place, regulate emotions, and be able to accept the limit while exploring acceptable alternatives. You could play a meditation recording during your kids’ bedtime routine and lie in the dark together for five minutes listening. You can include them in the examples here and create some just for them. Some kids like lying down with a stuffed animal on their belly, watching it go up and down as they breathe slowly. Others love body-scan techniques, where they tense one part of their body at a time on the inhale and then let it go on the exhale.
Make it a new way of being around something you’re already doing, so you don’t really have to add one more thing to your day. When things get tough, try to bring yourself back to how you feel during your simple meditations. Does it get easier over time to slow down, become curious, take in your child, and decide thoughtfully how to respond? Be patient with yourself—this takes time.
Attune in Easier Moments
Attuning is a way of being, not just for difficult moments. The more your kids feel that you’re present and interested when they’re not melting down or breaking a rule, the less likely you are to have those bumpy moments in the first place, because you’re starting from a more connected way of being together. When kids act out, they’re often seeking our attention and approval. If they can’t get it for happily playing on their own, they’ll find another way that works.
Turn off devices during mealtime, walks to and from school, and bedtime routines; spend time sitting on the floor and playing with your kids; look them in the eyes and let them talk without rushing them; listen to their crazy stories from preschool. Now we’re “filling the tank,” and they’ll weather the emotional bumps much better. This is true whether you’re a working parent who has one hour, or a stay-at-home parent. Sometimes they just need to know you see them, even without words, or with a simple I saw that! A glance at their drawing or Lego creation, a witness to their leaping-off-the-step feat. Don’t be afraid that you’ll break the spell and lose your alone time. That may happen at first, but as your children come to trust that you are present and interested, they will feel content to play independently.