“I’m Sorry”

EXPRESSING REGRET

It starts really early. Little Ava or little Oliver pushes another child at preschool. The kid cries. The teacher comforts them and then turns to the small perpetrator. “Tell William you’re sorry.” Ava or Oliver looks down and mumbles, “I’m sorry.” The kids go back to their play. Crisis averted.

But is it enough?

Maybe not always, as we shall see. But it does form the basis of our first language of apology: expressing regret. Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person your own sense of guilt, shame, and pain that your behavior has hurt him deeply. It is interesting that when Robert Fulghum wrote his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, he included as one of the things he learned: “Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.”¹ Expressing regret is fundamental to good relationships.

Apology is birthed in the womb of regret. We regret the pain we have caused, the disappointment, the inconvenience, the betrayal of trust. Regret focuses on what you did or failed to do and how it affected the other person. The offended one is experiencing painful emotions, and they want you to feel some of their pain. They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. For some people, this is the one thing they listen for in an apology. Without the expression of regret, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.

SAYING THE MAGIC WORDS

A simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way toward restoring goodwill. The absence of the words “I’m sorry” stands out to some like a very sore thumb. Quite often offenders will not realize that they have left out some “magic words,” but you can be assured that the listener is scanning the silence for those missing words.

Let me (Jennifer) share a personal story. Last spring, I was part of a group of women who received end-of-the-year prizes for each having led a small group. I selected my prize from a sales consultant’s catalog and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my thank-you gift. The summer came and went with no delivery of my product. I began to wonder, Where is my order? When the end of the year came with no package, I concluded that my order was not likely to come. I actually decided at that time that it was not worth pursuing the issue with anyone. I reasoned that I had enjoyed leading the group and put the item out of my mind with the refrain, “Easy come, easy go.”

Imagine my surprise when I received a telephone message from the consultant the next spring. She said that she had been cleaning out boxes and found my order! She closed the phone message by saying simply that she wanted to arrange to get the item to me. For my part, I was pleasantly surprised to be in the position to receive that which I had let go. However, something was nagging at me. I replayed her message and confirmed my suspicion: She had failed to say, “I am sorry for my mistake,” or to express any sort of regret. I would have quickly embraced such an apology.

As it was, I pondered the issue in my mind long enough to write it down and to wonder how often I might do the same thing. Do I correct problems, yet not assume responsibility or express regret? The magic words “I’m sorry” would have made a world of difference to me.

“I WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND HOW HE HURT ME”

Many people can identify with Jennifer’s experience. Melissa has been married to her husband, Pete, for twenty-seven years. When I asked her, “What do you look for in an apology when Pete has wronged you?” her immediate response was, “Most of all I want him to understand how he hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect to hear him say, ‘I apologize. I am really sorry.’

“It helps if he gives an explanation of how his actions have hurt me. That way, I know he understands. If it’s something really bad, I expect abject misery and want him to really be sad about the pain he caused me.”

I asked, “When you say ‘really bad,’ what kind of things do you have in mind?”

“Like the time he took a woman at the office out to lunch without telling me. I heard it from a friend, and I was really hurt. I think if he had tried to justify it, I would have never gotten over it. You see, my husband is not the kind of man who takes other women out to lunch. I knew he had to have a little fascination for her or he would not have done it. He admitted that I was right and told me how sorry he was. He said that he knew that I would never go out with another man and that if I did, he would be deeply hurt. He said that he regretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he was sincere when I saw tears come to his eyes.” For Melissa, the heart of an apology is a sincere expression of regret.

WHAT DOES YOUR BODY SAY?

It is important that our body language agree with the words we are saying if we expect the offended person to sense our sincerity. Melissa mentioned Pete’s tears as evidence of his sincerity. Listen to the words of another wife who said, “I know when my husband sincerely feels sorry for something he’s done, because he becomes very quiet and his physical mannerisms become introverted. He apologizes with a soft voice and a bowed head. This shows me that he feels really bad. Then I know it’s genuine.”

Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, “How do you know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?” his answer was, “Eye contact. If she looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m sorry,’ I know she’s sincere. If she says ‘I’m sorry’ while passing through the room, I know she’s hiding something. A hug and a kiss after the apology also let me know that she’s sincere.”

Robert is illustrating the reality that sometimes our body language speaks louder than our spoken language. This is especially true when the two contradict each other. For example, one wife said, “When he screams at me, ‘I said I’m sorry!’ but his eyes are glaring and his hands are shaking, it’s like he’s trying to make me forgive him. It seems to me he is more concerned about moving on and forgetting it than truly apologizing. It’s like my hurt doesn’t matter—let’s just get on with life.”

SORRY FOR WHAT?

An apology has more impact when it’s specific. LuAnn captured this idea when she said, “I expect the apologizer to say ‘I’m sorry for____’ and then be specific about what they are sorry about.” When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person.

The more details we can give, the better. If I (Jennifer) stood someone up for a movie, I wouldn’t just say, “I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the movie.” It would mean more to the person if I could list all the ways my action affected her. “I know that you left your home on time; you stopped what you were doing. You made it down here during rush-hour traffic; you had to wait and be concerned about my well-being. I know that you like to see the entire picture, and for you, my neglect may have made you unable to enjoy the movie since you missed the beginning. I can imagine how upset I would have been if a friend had done this to me. You have a right to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt—and I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for my irresponsibility.”

The details reveal the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much you inconvenienced your friend.

“WHAT KIND OF AN APOLOGY IS THAT?”

Sincere regret also needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with “But …” Rodney, who has been married three years to his second wife, Simone, says, “I know that my wife means it when she says, ‘I’m sorry. I know that I hurt you by yelling at you.’ Then she does not go on to accuse me of causing her to get upset. My first wife always blamed me for everything.”

Numerous individuals in our research made statements similar to this. “She apologizes, but then turns it around and blames her actions on something I did.”

Brenda remembers well one of her husband’s failed attempts at apologizing—it happened the night before they would attend one of my marriage seminars. Her husband went to a coworker’s fiftieth birthday party, leaving Brenda at home with their four children. Because her husband normally worked a 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. shift, she had hoped for valuable evening time together.

“Even though I was angry, he left and said that he would be back in an hour,” Brenda recalls. “Two hours later when we were all in bed, he shows up. He apologized but added that I was acting like a baby, and he has a right to go out.

“So whatever words he was saying to apologize weren’t helping, since he was putting me down. I also prayed that when he got home, I wouldn’t have a bad attitude. But I was so filled with anger that it didn’t work.”

Anytime we verbally shift the blame to the other person, we have moved from an apology to an attack. Attacks never lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.

Megan is a twenty-nine-year-old single who has been in a committed dating relationship for three years. She said, “Anytime an apology is followed by an excuse for the offense, the excuse cancels out the apology in my mind. Just own up that, intentionally or not, you hurt me or didn’t meet my expectations. Don’t apologize and then make excuses for your offense. Leave it at the apology.”

As sisters, Juanita and Jasmine were often in conflict. They each wanted to have a better relationship, but neither seemed to know how. When I asked Jasmine, “Does Juanita ever apologize when she loses her temper?” Jasmine said, “Oh, all the time, but then she’ll say something like, ‘I just wish you would stop putting me down. I know I’m not as educated as you, but that doesn’t mean that you can treat me like dirt.’ What kind of an apology is that? She puts all the blame on me.”

APOLOGIES THAT DO NOT MANIPULATE

An expression of sincere regret should not manipulate the other person into reciprocating. Natalie and George have been dating for two years and are going through some rough waters. She said, “George has at times said he was sorry. But then he expects me to say it back, even if I don’t feel like I should have to because he was the cause of the fight in the first place. That just doesn’t work for me. I want him to say he’s sorry and not expect anything in return. That would mean that he is truly sorry.”

Sometimes we hurt people and don’t realize it. It was certainly not intentional. Good relationships are fostered by expressing regret even when we did not intend to hurt them. If I bump into someone getting out of an elevator, I murmur, “I’m sorry,” not because I intentionally bumped him but because I identify with his inconvenience or irritation with my unintentional bump. The same principle is true in close relationships. You may not realize that your behavior has upset your spouse, but when it becomes apparent, then you can say, “I’m sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain. I didn’t intend to hurt you.”

Regret focuses on dealing with one’s own behavior and expressing empathy for the hurt it has caused the other person. Insincerity is also communicated when we say “I’m sorry” simply to get the other person to stop confronting us with the issue. Rhonda sensed this when she said, “Early in our marriage, my husband did something really damaging. He absolutely refused to be sorry or change. Then eventually he said that he was sorry, but it was only to get me off his back. His actions spoke more loudly than his words, indicating ‘Drop it! I want to get out of this trap.’ He didn’t see that what he had done was wrong and how much he had hurt me.”

“I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME”

Writing a letter of apology may help to underscore your sincerity. To put your apology in writing may give it more emotional weight, because your spouse or friend can read it again and again. The process of writing may also help you clarify your regrets and verbalize them in a positive way. Here is a letter that one of my (Jennifer’s) clients received from her husband. She has given me permission to share it.

Dear Olivia,

I want to apologize for being late tonight and for not letting you know as soon as I could anticipate that I would be late again. I know this was an awfully difficult day for you with the kids. I wish so much I could have been here to help, or at least been on time to relieve you. My heart broke when at 6:30 p.m. I got your message from 4:45 p.m. with your cry for help and request that I be home on time. I hated to think that every moment from then on you must have been listening for my return. I really regret that my not setting good boundaries with my boss forced you to carry an extra burden today. I will strive to be more reliable. I am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

With contrition, your loving husband,

Jon

Olivia wrote at the bottom of the page, “Forgiven,” and the date. Obviously, Jon’s expression of regret got through to Olivia. She sensed his sincerity and was willing to forgive him.

THE POWER OF “I’M SORRY”

Look at what the following people had to say about apology language #1: expressing regret.

“My husband had made comments in front of our friends about my being overweight and eating too much. I was so hurt. Later that night, he said that he knew the situation was very uncomfortable for me and he was sorry for what he had done to create the situation by his hurtful words. I forgave him because I felt he was sincere.”

—Paula, age fifty-three, married eleven years to her second husband

“I want an apology that comes from the heart, that is truly sorry for the action that caused my hurt. In other words, I want them to feel bad for making me feel bad.”

—Lily, age twenty-six and single

“He came home late one night, but he apologized for disappointing me. I told him it was okay; I understood. He continued by saying that he still did not like to disappoint me; that made me feel really good.”

—Marina, age twenty-eight, married two years

“[It’s a genuine apology] when she expresses true feelings of regret, expresses understanding of my feelings, and acts like she is sorry that she hurt me.”

—Charles, age forty, married for ten years

“I want to see that they feel guilty for what they did or said and are truly sorry.”

—Todd, age thirty-four and single

For these and many others, the language of expressing regret is extremely important in the process of healing and restoration. If you want these people to sense your sincerity, then you must learn to speak the language of regret, which focuses on their pain and your behavior and how the two are related. It is communicating to them that you feel hurt because you know your actions have hurt them. It is this identification with their pain that stimulates in them a willingness to forgive.

If you are willing to express regret, here are some statements that may help you do so.

STATEMENTS OF REGRET

I know now that I hurt you very deeply. That causes me immense pain. I am truly sorry for what I did.

I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.

At the time, obviously I was not thinking very well. I never intended to hurt you, but now I can see that my words were way out of line. I’m sorry that I was so insensitive.

I am sorry that I violated your trust. I’ve created a roadblock in our relationship that I want to remove. I understand that even after I apologize, it may take awhile for you to venture down the road of trust with me again.

You were promised a service that we have not provided. I am sorry that our company clearly dropped the ball this time.

TALK ABOUT IT

Have you had childhood experiences similar to those described at the beginning of this chapter? Is there anyone from your past that you would like to say “I’m sorry” to?

Have you ever hurt someone without realizing it? What did you do when you became aware that you had hurt someone? What would most people say they are looking for in an apology?