“How Can I Make It Right?”
MAKING RESTITUTION
It was one of those feel-good stories you see on TV before Christmas. In the Youngstown, Ohio, area, a thief made off with cash from one of those familiar Salvation Army red kettles. In fact, the perpetrator, apparently dressed in a Salvation Army jacket, walked away with the money and the kettle while the bell ringer was taking a break.
But what could have been a sad “stealing from the poor” story turned into something more heartwarming two days later, when someone anonymously left $130 and a note of apology at the Salvation Army’s offices. “Here is the money I took plus money for a new kettle and bell … Please forgive me.”1
The unidentified wrongdoer not only apologized—he or she made restitution, making a tangible effort to right the wrong they committed.
The idea of “making things right” to make up for a wrong is embedded within the human psyche, from our judicial system to the arena of family relationships. If Sophia’s little brother Jacob steals her favorite toy, Mom or Dad or Grandma makes him give it back. If a criminal steals from someone, a judge orders him to repay his victim in some way. Rather than simply spending time in prison, the criminal needs to make efforts to make up for the wrong to the one who was wronged.
“I EXPECT HIM TO TRY TO REPAIR WHAT HAS GONE WRONG”
The New Webster’s Dictionary defines restitution as “the act of giving back to a rightful owner” or “a giving of something as an equivalent for what has been lost, damaged, etc.”
Everett Worthington Jr., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University and a leader in research on forgiveness, calls the act of making such amends “equalizing.”
Equalizing is making up for the loss that the other person experienced. To offer restitution is to equalize the balance of justice. Any hurt or offense causes the person who is hurt to lose something. Perhaps he or she loses self-esteem, self-respect, or a tangible benefit (such as if I offend you in front of your boss and you lose a promotion opportunity). So it is an act of kindness for the transgressor to offer to make up for the loss.2
For some people, restitution is their primary apology language. For them the statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,” must be followed with, “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this effort at restitution, this person will question the sincerity of the apology. They will continue to feel unloved even though you may have said, “I’m sorry—I was wrong.” They wait for the tangible reassurance that you genuinely love them.
This reality surfaced again and again in our research. We kept hearing such statements as:
“I expect him to try to repair what has gone wrong.”
“I expect her to be truly sorry from the heart and be willing to make things right.”
“I want him to make amends as appropriate. Things don’t just go away by saying ‘I’m sorry.’”
The question, then, is how do we make restitution in the most effective way? Since the heart of restitution is reassuring the spouse or family member that you truly love him or her, it is essential to express restitution in the love language of the other person.
LEARNING THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
After many years of marriage and family counseling, I am convinced that there are fundamentally five emotional love languages. Each person has one of the five as a primary language. If you speak their primary love language, he or she will be reassured of your love, and restitution will be successful. However, if you don’t speak the primary love language, your best efforts at apologizing may not be successful. Therefore, let me review briefly the five love languages3 and illustrate from my research how speaking the primary love language will make your efforts at restitution successful.
Words of Affirmation
Love language number one is words of affirmation, using words to affirm the other person. “You look nice in that outfit”; “I really appreciate what you did for me”; “You are so thoughtful”; “Every day I am reminded of how much I love you”; “I really appreciate this meal. You are an excellent cook. I know it takes a lot of time and energy, and I really appreciate it.” Using words to affirm the other person may focus on their personality, behavior, dress, accomplishments, or beauty. The important thing is that words communicate verbally your affection and appreciation for the person.
Here are a couple of examples of people for whom words of affirmation is their primary love language and how hearing those words made their spouse’s efforts at restitution successful.
Elizabeth is twenty-nine and has been married to Brad for four years. “I know that Brad’s apology is sincere when he takes back his thoughtless words and then tells me how much he loves me. Sometimes he goes to the extreme in telling me how wonderful I am and how sorry he is that he hurt me. I guess he knows that it takes a lot of positive words to make up for the things he has said.”
Tim met with me during a break at one of my marriage seminars. We had been discussing apologies, and he said of his wife, “She’s almost always successful in her apologies. She’s the best apologizer I know.”
I was impressed, and listened intently as he explained. “She generally says something like, ‘Tim, I am so sorry. You are so wonderful and I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you. Will you please forgive me?’ And then she gives me a hug. It works every time. It’s those words ‘You are so wonderful’ that get me. I’ve never failed to forgive her because I know she means it. We all make mistakes; I don’t expect her to be perfect, but it surely feels good when she tells me how wonderful I am while asking me to forgive her.”
For Tim, words of affirmation reflect his primary love language and that’s his favorite part of an apology. It’s all the restitution he needs.
Acts of Service
A second love language is acts of service. This love language is based on the old axiom “Actions speak louder than words.” For these people, love is demonstrated by thoughtful acts of kindness. Vacuuming, getting the oil changed in her car, changing the baby’s diaper, bringing your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning … these are all acts of service.
Gwen was in my office, and she was visibly upset. “I’m sick and tired of his apologies,” she said. “‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ That’s all he ever says. That’s supposed to make everything all right. Well, I’m sorry, but when he screams and yells at me and calls me names, that doesn’t make it all right.
“What I want to know is: Does he still love me, or does he want out of the marriage? If he loves me, then why doesn’t he do something to help me around the house? I’m tired of living with a man who sits in front of the TV while I cook the meals and wash the dishes. I work outside the home too. How can he love me and do nothing?”
Obviously, Gwen’s primary love language is acts of service, and her husband is not speaking it. Therefore, his apologies fall on deaf ears. She cannot conceive that he could be sincerely sorry and yet fail to love her.
I spent some time with Gwen and explained to her the five love languages and told her that my guess was that her husband had no clue as to what her love language was. And she probably had no idea about his love language. Within three months she and her husband, Mark, had discovered—and were speaking—each other’s primary love language. Their marriage was back on track too. He realized that a verbal apology to her was never enough. It had to involve restitution—the reassurance of his love—and this needed to be expressed in acts of service. I don’t see Mark often, but when I do, he always thanks me for the insights on love and apology that “saved my marriage.”
At the conclusion of my marriage seminars, I typically invite the husband to take his wife’s hands, look into her eyes, and repeat after me the following words: “I know I’m not a perfect husband. I hope you will forgive me for past failures. I sincerely want to be a better husband, and I’m asking you to teach me how.” Then I ask the wives to repeat similar words to the husbands. One woman, unable to say those words to her husband, later revealed on one of our apology research questionnaires that she could not think of one time her husband made a successful apology during their thirteen-year marriage. She added, “My first hope [of having him truly apologize] was at the end of your conference. I couldn’t say the words back to him at that moment, but by that evening, he was helping out with the kids and with dinner. I knew that something had happened to him. I’m hoping he has discovered that acts of service is my love language.
“It remains to be seen if he will continue this change of behavior,” she continued. “I know that if I felt like he really loved me, I would be willing to forgive him for everything in the past. More than anything, I want my husband to love me.” The success of his apology is now dependent upon him making amends for the past by reassuring his wife that he loves her by speaking her primary love language.
This same principle applies in friendships. Ben was a handsome, intelligent city planner, who ran into a conflict with Steve, another planner in his work group. Initially, Ben and Steve felt that they had a lot in common, and they had enjoyed discussing their shared interests in golf and politics over lunch most days. One day, as a practical joke, Steve commandeered Ben’s office computer while Ben was away. Steve pretended to be Ben and sent out an email to their six-person work group, inviting them all to come to Ben’s house for a New Year’s Eve dinner party: “Don’t bring a thing—just yourself!” The next day, a colleague alerted Ben about the counterfeit invitation. Far from being amused, Ben felt angry and betrayed.
When confronted by Ben, Steve could tell that Ben really hadn’t appreciated the joke, and he offered a sincere apology. Before Ben could accept the apology, however, he needed Steve to make things right. At Ben’s insistence, Steve sent out a correction email to the work group. This retraction allowed Ben to feel that Steve had owned up to the problem he had created and set things right again. Their friendship had a second chance. Had Steve been unwilling to take this action, Ben would have considered his apology incomplete, likely ending their friendship.
Receiving Gifts
A third love language is receiving gifts. It is universal to give and receive gifts as an expression of love. Anthropologists have explored the ethnographies of hundreds of cultures around the world. They have never discovered a culture where gift giving is not an expression of love. A gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”
The gifts need not be expensive. Haven’t people always said, “It’s the thought that counts”? However, it is not the thought left in your head that counts but rather the gift that came out of the thought in your head.
From an early age, children will pick dandelions from the front yard and give them as expressions of love to their mothers. Couples can do the same thing, though I wouldn’t suggest dandelions. Even as an adult, you don’t have to pay much: If you have no flowers in your yard, try your neighbor’s yard. Ask them; they will give you a flower.
For some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. Therefore, if the person you’ve offended prefers the love language of receiving gifts and you wish to make amends for the wrong you have done, giving gifts will be an effective method of restitution.
Bethany finds her husband’s apologies sincere, because he speaks her language. “He makes his apology; then that evening, he brings me a rose to make up for what he has done that has offended me. I don’t know what it is, but the rose seems to communicate to me that he is really sincere. So I forgive him.”
“How many roses have you received through the years?” I asked.
“Dozens,” she answered. “But every time I receive one, it says to me that he still loves me.” For her, the gift was restitution.
With their son sick and often in the hospital, Susan tried to understand her husband’s tenseness. “A lot of pain and anger was taken out on me, but I let it slide off because I understood. Out of the blue one day, he walked into the hospital room with flowers and a card and a full apology for taking his stress out on me. It was one of the most tender times in our marriage. He realized by his own conviction that he was hurting me, and he took the initiative to apologize. The flowers and the card sealed it for me. I knew he was sincere.”
He not only apologized, but he made restitution by speaking Susan’s love language, receiving gifts.
Quality Time
Love language number four is quality time. Giving another person your undivided attention communicates “You are important to me.” Quality time means no distractions. The TV is off; the phone is on the table along with the book. You are not paying the bills; you are not cleaning the kitchen. You are giving the other person your undivided attention. If I give my wife twenty minutes of quality time, I have given her twenty minutes of my life, and she has done the same for me. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.
For some people, this is their primary love language. Nothing communicates love more deeply than quality time. Such times do not even need to include major activities or projects together; they can simply be extended conversations between two people. For those people, quality time is an excellent way to make restitution.
Mary from St. Louis recalls a powerful apology she received the Sunday afternoon after attending the marriage conference. She and her husband had lunch together, and they were beginning to relax when “Phil looked at me and said how sorry he was for how he had been treating me. He was just miserable, and we weren’t even talking to each other.
“He looked at me while holding my hands and thanked me for buying the tickets for the conference. He told me that it had opened his eyes and challenged him to be the husband he had neglected to be for the past five years of our marriage.
“Just seeing the true joy and sorrow in his eyes convinced me that he was sincere. The fact that he set aside time to talk to me and to apologize for his actions the past week was almost more than I could believe. In the past every time he tried to apologize, he would say ‘I’m sorry,’ and that was it. It was like putting catsup on a hotdog; it was just something you always do. This time, it was different. I knew that he was sincere, and I freely forgave him.”
Phil was speaking Mary’s love language, quality time, and that made all the difference.
You don’t have to hold hands, but you do need to give your full attention to the person to whom you are apologizing. If the person you’ve offended feels loved by having quality time with you, then only quality time will convince them that your apology is sincere. Giving your undivided attention while making the apology is restitution enough. It communicates deeply to the person that he or she is loved.
Physical Touch
Love language number five is physical touch. We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That’s why we pick up babies and hold and cuddle them. Long before they understand the meaning of the word love, they feel loved by physical touch. The same is true of adults. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting an arm around the shoulder, giving a pat on the back, or running your hand through their hair are all expressions of the language of physical touch. We’re not only talking about couples. Physical touch is appropriate among all family members, including mothers and sons and fathers and daughters. For some people, this is their primary love language. Nothing speaks more deeply of love than affirming touch. For them, an apology without touch may appear insincere.
Dave and his ten-year-old son, Jake, had gotten into an argument. In the heat of anger, Dave had accused his son of being lazy and irresponsible. Jake began crying uncontrollably. Dave knew that his words had been extremely hurtful to Jake.
“Jake, I’m sorry,” he said. “I lost my temper. What I said is wrong. You are not lazy, and you are not irresponsible. You are a ten-year-old boy who loves to play and enjoy life. I should have been more thoughtful about asking you to interrupt your game to do something that I wanted you to do. I love you very much, and it hurts me to know that I have hurt you.”
He went over to Jake and gave him a big bear hug. Jake sobbed even more uncontrollably, but this time with great relief. When he regained his composure, his father looked him in the eyes and said, “I love you so much.” And Jake said, “I love you too, Dad,” as he gave his father a hug around the neck. His father’s apology was effective because he made restitution by speaking his son’s primary love language, physical touch.
“What do you expect in an apology from your wife?” we asked Judson from Minneapolis, who had been married to his wife for fifteen years. He responded, “I expect her to understand that what she did was very hurtful, say that she is sorry, and then ask for my forgiveness. After granting forgiveness, there has to be a hug for the apology process to be complete.”
Judson is clearly revealing that he expects restitution to be a part of the apology process, and physical touch is the language of love he understands best. After the hug, he feels that she has “made amends” for her wrong. Without the hug, the apology process is lacking something important for him.
Marti’s illustration of a successful apology indicated how important physical touch was to her. “My husband made a hurtful remark to me in front of the kids. At the time, I reacted and he defended his words. Some days later when we were all at the table, he stood behind me, put his hands on my shoulders, and said in front of our three children that what he had done was wrong and he was sorry and that he wanted to acknowledge it to me and to those who had witnessed it. His apology worked because 1) he admitted he was wrong, 2) he brought healing through his touch, 3) he made his apology public to all who were involved, which made me admire him for teaching his children an important lesson, and 4) for restoring my reputation.” The words were important, but it was the affirming touch that “brought healing” and assured her of her husband’s love.
If physical touch is one’s primary love language, and I want to make a sincere apology, then I must communicate restitution by reaching out to give affirming touches. Words alone will not suffice. It is the touch that makes amends for the wrongs.
REPAYING AND RESTORING
Restitution often extends beyond expressing love through speaking one of the five languages of love. It may require repayment or restoring something taken—a damaged car, a scratched watch … or even a good name. Remember, Marti’s good name was restored when Jim publicly acknowledged his “hurtful comment” had taken away his wife’s good name among their children. The desire to make amends for one’s wrong behavior is a natural part of apologizing if one is indeed sincere.
A Tax Collector Makes Amends
There is a fascinating story recorded in the life of Jesus. The great teacher was passing through the town of Jericho. His fame had preceded Him. In that town lived a tax collector named Zacchaeus. Tax collectors were not the most popular people among the ordinary Jewish populace because they often charged exorbitant taxes for their Roman bosses and pocketed great profit. Zacchaeus wanted to see and hear Jesus, the prophet about whom he had heard so much.
A rather short man, Zacchaeus had a clever strategy. He planned to climb a tree and look down upon Jesus. There he could see and hear, yet go unnoticed by the crowd. However, when Jesus came to the tree, He looked up and said to Zacchaeus, “Come down. I’d like to go to your house for dinner.” Zacchaeus was shocked and deeply moved. Apparently he recognized that he was dealing with a man who knew of his self-centered lifestyle and yet was willing to associate with him.
Immediately, Zacchaeus apologized for his wrong behavior through the years and then said that he planned to repay all those from whom he had taken funds unjustly. In fact, he promised to repay them four times as much as he had taken. Jesus interpreted this as the sign of a genuine confession, and He even held up Zacchaeus as an example of how to deal with failure.4
A genuine apology will be accompanied by a desire to right the wrongs committed, to make amends for the damage done, and to assure the person that you truly care about him or her. If you are not certain what the offended person might consider proper restitution, you might ask questions like the following:
STATEMENTS OF RESTITUTION
Is there anything I can do to make up for what I have done?
I know I have hurt you deeply, and I feel like I should do something to repay you for the hurt I’ve caused. Can you give me a suggestion?
I don’t feel right just saying “I’m sorry.” I want to make up for what I’ve done. What would you consider appropriate?
I know that I’ve inconvenienced you. May I give you some of my time to balance things out?
I regret that I’ve damaged your honor. May I make a (public) correction?
I’ve broken this promise a million times. Would you like for me to put my commitment to you in writing this time?
TALK ABOUT IT
What do you think of courts offering large sums of money for reparative damages? When do you feel the awarded amounts become excessive?
This chapter suggests there is a voice within us that cries out for those who have wronged us to pay for their act. In what ways has this been true in your life? How have you sensed the need for another person to “pay for” his or her offense against you?
Speaking someone’s love language is central in making restitution successful. Of the five love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch), which is most important to you? Why do you think this is the case?