“Can You Find It in Your Heart …”

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

Years ago my (Jennifer’s) mother worked in an office in Chicago where she got along with all her coworkers. But one afternoon a coworker told her she was bothered by the fact that my mother “never apologizes.”

My mother hesitated, then remembered an incident in which she had made a mistake that affected this person. “I felt that I had apologized quickly,” Mom told me, “taking responsibility and saying that I was sorry for the inconvenience. So I gingerly asked her what she needed to hear from me.”

“Well, you never asked me to forgive you!” the coworker exclaimed.

“Well, I want you to forgive me, because I value our relationship,” my mother replied. “So let me ask you now, will you please forgive me?”

She responded, “Yes, I will.” They both laughed, and things once more were fine between them—because my mother had learned the woman’s apology language.

“I KNOW YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR”

When Jennifer told me about this conversation with her mother, I thought of a couple I had counseled several years ago. Angie and Martin had been married nine years when she discovered that he was having an affair with a woman at the office. She confronted him by saying, “I know you’re having an affair with Anna. I have eyewitnesses, so there is no need to try to deny it.” She gave Martin a choice: either move out of the house within the week or break off the affair and agree to go for counseling. “You can’t have both of us. The choice is yours.”

Martin left, but within a week, he had come back to say that he wanted to work on the marriage and that he was willing to break off his relationship with Anna. A few weeks into the counseling process, Angie was saying, “The thing that bothers me is that Martin is not willing to ask me to forgive him. He said he’s sorry, and I really believe that he has broken off the affair. I would not be willing to work on the marriage if I didn’t believe that. But Martin will not ask me to forgive him.”

“It’s like you are trying to make me say those words,” replied Martin.

“I’m not trying to make you do anything,” Angie said. “But it seems like you are not willing to admit that you are wrong.”

“I said it was wrong.”

“Then why won’t you ask me to forgive you?” she pleaded. “I’m willing to forgive you; I want to forgive you. But how can I forgive you when you don’t want to be forgiven? It’s as though you don’t think you need forgiveness because you haven’t really done anything wrong. I don’t understand that.”

“I know I did wrong,” said Martin. “It’s just that asking you to forgive me is so hard.” He shook his head. Tears came to his eyes and he said, “I don’t know why it’s so hard!”

In our research, we discovered that there are lots of Angies in the world. When asked, “What do you expect in an apology?” one of every five (20 percent) answered, “I expect him/her to ask for my forgiveness.”¹ For them, these were the magic words that indicated sincerity.

So why is requesting forgiveness so important to some people and such a difficult language for others—like Martin—to speak?

WHY SEEK FORGIVENESS?

Why would requesting forgiveness be so important? Here are the answers that we discovered.

First, requesting forgiveness indicates to some that you want to see the relationship fully restored. Matt and Kelly have been married for fifteen years. He says, “When she asks me to forgive her, I know she doesn’t want to sweep it under the rug. She wants our relationship to be authentic. Whatever else she says in her apology, I know that when she gets to the place where she asks me to forgive her that she is totally sincere. That’s why she makes it easy for me to forgive her. I know that she values our relationship more than anything. That makes me feel really good.”

When an offense occurs, immediately it creates an emotional barrier between two people. Until that barrier is removed, the relationship cannot go forward. An apology is an attempt to remove the barrier. If you discover that the person’s primary apology language is requesting forgiveness, then this is the surest way of removing the barrier. To that person, this is what indicates that you genuinely want to see the relationship restored.

A second reason that requesting forgiveness is important is that it shows that you realize you have done something wrong—that you have offended the other person, intentionally or unintentionally. What you said or did may not have been morally wrong. You may even have done or said it in jest. But it offended the other person. He or she now holds it against you. It is an offense that has created a rift between the two of you. In that sense it is wrong, and requesting forgiveness is in order, especially if this is the person’s primary apology language. Asking for forgiveness is an admission of guilt. It shows that you know that you deserve condemnation or punishment.

Third, requesting forgiveness shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person. You have admitted your wrong; you have expressed regret; you may have offered to make amends. But now you are saying “Will you forgive me?” You know that you cannot answer that question for that person. It is a choice that he or she must make—to forgive or not to forgive. And the future of the relationship rests on that decision. This takes the control out of your hands, and for some people, this is extremely difficult.

WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF?

Requesting forgiveness is especially difficult for those people who have strong, controlling personalities. Remember how Martin had so much difficulty in saying the words “Will you please forgive me?” to Angie? When Martin completed a personality test, he and Angie learned he ranked high in the control factor. This means that he felt very uncomfortable when he was not in control of a situation. To ask Angie to forgive him was to relinquish control and put the future of the relationship in her hands. Subconsciously, he found this very difficult.

Eventually Martin realized that the healthy individual is the one who recognizes his/her personality traits, accepts them as being the normal pattern of operation, but refuses to be controlled by these personality traits when they are obviously dysfunctional to a relationship.² Therefore, Martin was able to say to Angie, “Will you please forgive me?” She responded with tears, a hug, and a definitive “Yes!” The relationship was restored when he spoke her primary apology language.

Many of us fear rejection, which is another reason it’s hard to ask for forgiveness. The fear of rejection is common to humans. Hamilton Beazley, scholar in residence at St. Edward’s University in Austin, Texas, and author of No Regrets, says, “Apologizing is making an admission that we erred, and we don’t like having to do that … It makes us vulnerable because we are requesting something—forgiveness—that we think only the other person can grant, and we might be rejected.”³

None of us like to be rejected, but for some people, rejection is almost unbearable. For such people, requesting forgiveness is really hard because they know that the forgiveness lies in the hand of the other person, and one of the two choices is not to forgive them, which would be rejection.

The answer for this person is to acknowledge this fear—but not to be controlled by it. The reasoning process might go something like this. “I know that my greatest fear is rejection. I also know that my behavior has created a problem in this relationship and that the only way to remove the problem is to sincerely apologize. Therefore, if requesting forgiveness is the apology language of the other person, I will go against my fears and ask, ‘Will you please forgive me?’” Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by their fears. When they value a relationship, they are willing to go against their fears and take the steps necessary to bring healing to the relationship.

Another fear that sometimes keeps people from requesting forgiveness is the fear of failure. This person typically has a strong moral compass. For them, “doing right” is equated with being good or being successful. Throughout life they have tried to do the right thing. And when they do, they feel successful. To this person, admitting wrong is equivalent to admitting “I’m a failure.” Therefore, they find it difficult to admit they are wrong. Typically they will argue vehemently with the other person that what they did is not wrong. They say, “It may have hurt you,” or “It may have offended you.” “You took it in the wrong way; I didn’t mean it that way.”

Sometimes the manner in which they defend themselves is more offensive than the original offense, but they don’t see this. They will argue, “I’m just trying to get you to understand the truth.” It is this kind of person who almost never apologizes. We were not surprised to discover scores of people who said, “My spouse almost never apologizes.” One husband said, “She’s too stubborn to apologize. We’ve been married ten years, and I’ve never received an apology from her.” A wife said, “I don’t know if it’s male pride, but he just can’t bring himself to apologize unless I give him the silent treatment for a couple of days. He would prefer that both of us be miserable than to admit he is wrong.”

The answer for these people lies in coming to understand that fear of failure—like fear of rejection—is one of the most common fears of humankind! The first step is to acknowledge this fear, first to ourselves, saying something like:

“Sometimes I do and say things that offend someone I love, and it harms our relationship. The only way to amend relationships is by apologizing, so I must learn to apologize in spite of my fear. I understand that making a mistake, saying or doing something that offends another person, is something that all of us do. It does not mean that I am a failure. To admit that what I did was wrong doesn’t make me a failure. In fact, it will help me bring healing to my relationship. Therefore, I will go against my fear, admit that I am wrong, and ask forgiveness.”

The person who reasons like this is on the road to becoming a good apologizer and a healthy individual.

Lana told her story to us at a conference. “As you began to talk about different apology languages, in my mind I said, ‘That’s us.’ My husband will often say ‘I’m sorry’ and think he is apologizing. But I will say to him, ‘You are not apologizing. You are not saying that you are wrong.’

“As you were talking, I realized we’ve been speaking different languages. He is saying that he’s sorry, and to me that’s like it’s no big deal. I need for him to ask ‘Will you forgive me?’ because then it feels like he is admitting his wrong and he is asking me to forgive him. It makes it easier for me to forgive and let the thing go. Before tonight it’s like we never had closure whenever one of us hurt the other. We talked about it, and we tried to apologize, but it never seemed to be resolved. Later he would say, ‘Well, I said I was sorry. Why are you holding on to this? Why can’t you get over it?’ I didn’t know why I couldn’t get over it. It’s just that it didn’t seem right. Now I get it!”

REQUEST—DON’T DEMAND!

There’s a vast difference between requesting forgiveness and demanding forgiveness. One wife said, “I can hear it now in my head. I’ve heard it hundreds of times through our twenty-five years of marriage. He insists, ‘I said I’m sorry. What more do you want?’ I just wish that one time he would look me in the eyes and say, ‘Will you please forgive me?’ He demands my forgiveness, but he never apologizes, and he never changes anything.”

I never had an opportunity to talk with her husband, but I had the strong suspicion that he had a controlling personality and a fear of failure. If these two personality traits could have been dealt with, their relationship would not have ended as it did—in divorce.

Don’t demand forgiveness. You cannot expect it. When we demand forgiveness, we fail to understand the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially a choice to lift the penalty and to let the person back into our lives. It is to pardon the offense so that we might redevelop trust. Forgiveness says, “I care about our relationship. Therefore, I choose to accept your apology and no longer demand justice.” It is essentially a gift. A gift that is demanded is no longer a gift.

When, as the offender, I demand to be forgiven, I am like a monarch sitting on a throne, judging the offended person as being guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt and angry over my offense, but I am trying to make her feel guilty for not forgiving me. On the other hand, when I go to the offended party and say, “Will you forgive me?” I am now bowing at her throne and requesting to be forgiven of my offense. I know that if she grants my request, I am a recipient of her mercy, love, and grace. Forgiveness is always to be requested but never demanded.

NOT A SMALL THING

Please understand that when you request to be forgiven, you are making a huge request. It will be costly to the person you have offended. When they forgive you, they must give up their desire for justice. They must relinquish their hurt and anger, their feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. They must give up their feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes, they must live with the consequences of your wrong behavior.

These may be physical consequences that need forgiveness, such as a sexually transmitted disease, a child born of an estranged partner, or the memory of an abortion. Other consequences may be emotional, such as the mental images of your flushed face and raised voice, the images of you in the arms of another lover, or the cutting words that play over again and again in their minds. The person you have hurt must live with all of this and much more, and process it in order to forgive you. This is not a small thing you’re asking of him or her. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, “When you bow, bow low.”

Because of the costliness of forgiveness, don’t expect the offended person to forgive you immediately. If the offense is minor and if you apologize in the primary apology language of the offended person, then perhaps his or her forgiveness may be extended rather quickly. But if the offense is major and often repeated, it will take time for the offended party to process your apology, especially if their apology language is making amends or seeing genuine change. It takes time to observe whether you will follow through on making restitution or changing destructive behaviors. The person must be convinced of your sincerity, and that may well take time.

In the meantime, your greatest virtue must be patience. Be sure you are (1) speaking the person’s primary love language and (2) making every effort to change your behavior. If you are consistent in these pursuits, you will likely be the recipient of forgiveness in due time.

Verbally requesting forgiveness after you have expressed an apology using some of the other apology languages often is the key that opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. It may be the one element of your apology that the offended person is waiting to hear. “Will you please forgive me?” is the ingredient that convinces them that you are indeed sincere in your apology. Without the request for forgiveness, your statements—“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I will make it up to you. I’ll never do it again”—may sound like glib remarks designed to put the matter behind you without really dealing with it.

Here are some statements that may help you learn to speak the apology language requesting forgiveness.

STATEMENTS REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.

I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I didn’t intend to hurt you but obviously I have. I realize that now, and I see that my actions were wrong even though I was just trying to have fun. It’s never right to have fun if someone gets hurt. I promise you I will try never to do that again. And I want to ask you if you will please forgive me.

TALK ABOUT IT

When was a time you thought you had apologized for a situation but later discovered the other person didn’t feel that you had apologized? What further action did you take in that situation?

Have you ever had to forgive—or ask for forgiveness? How did you feel?

How can we learn to offer forgiveness even in situations when the other person is unwilling or unable to request it?