Healing Your Family Relationships

Kathleen shared a powerful testimony:

My parents were divorced when I was in fifth grade. When I would visit my dad, I didn’t really feel like he cared about me or wanted to spend time with me. He remarried and divorced two more times and I stopped seeing him. Eventually my younger brother and I told our dad we didn’t want anything to do with him. Then my younger brother committed suicide. I did not speak to my dad for five years.

During that time, he tried to contact me a few times, but always with the attitude of trying to explain why he was right and I was wrong. After a couple of years of silence—a time during which I started attending church and found a strong Christian friend—I decided I needed to forgive my dad and give him a second chance. So one day I picked up the phone and called him. That first call was short, but it was the beginning of a new relationship for my father and me.

That was over twenty years ago and I have maintained a healthy relationship with my father ever since. He now has Alzheimer’s so our relationship has changed again, but I am grateful that I have had many good years with him!

The world is full of broken relationships between parents and children. Some, like Kathleen, are able to find a measure of healing and restoration. Others are not so fortunate.

Years ago when my son, Derek, was in graduate school, he lived and worked in a house church in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco. His ministry focused on building relationships with young adults who had migrated to that city, hoping for a better life but found themselves homeless. At the end of three years in this ministry, Derek said to me, “Dad, almost every person I’ve gotten to know on the street is estranged from their parents. Most of them haven’t had contact with family for years.” I inquired about the kind of family dynamics that had led to such estrangement.

“Many of them were verbally, physically, or sexually abused by their parents,” Derek answered. “As soon as they were old enough, they ran away and never looked back. However, others come out of homes that were fairly stable and supportive. But in the teenage years, they got involved in drugs. Their parents tried to help but eventually lost hope and gave up, leaving the young people to fend for themselves.”

A Wayward Son

I once spent a week with Derek, walking the streets of San Francisco and meeting the people with whom he had built relationships. As I listened to the stories of these young adults, I wondered how many mothers and fathers in a distant city or in a rural town prayed daily that their child would return. I remembered the story that Jesus told about a young man who asked his father if he could have his inheritance while he was young rather than waiting until the death of his father. The father agreed, and the young man left with his pockets full of cash and a tidy sum in his savings account. The young man had followed the philosophy, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.” In due time, he found himself penniless and took a job feeding pigs in order to sustain himself.¹

One day he woke up with a memory of home and decided that he would travel home, apologize to his father, and ask if he could work as a hired employee on the family farm. Eventually, he turned his decision into reality and walked the long road back to his father, made his sincere apology, and expressed his desire to work as a hired hand on the farm. To his surprise, the father fully forgave and received him not as a hired hand but as a restored son.²

As I looked into the eyes of the young adults on the streets of San Francisco, I wondered how many of them might find reconciliation with parents if only the children would choose to apologize.

Children Who Are Willing to Apologize First

To be sure, those who were abused by parents needed also to receive an apology. But that was not likely to happen unless they initiated the process. Parents cannot apologize to an adult child with whom there is no contact. I remember the story of Marcie, whom I met at a marriage seminar in a Midwestern town. She had been sexually abused by her father; this had greatly affected her sexual relationship with her husband. At the urging of her husband, she went for counseling and soon gained insight into what had happened. Marcie decided to confront her father and deal with what had taken place so long ago. She knew that she did not cause the problem, but she also knew that for many years she had allowed bitterness and anger to keep her from seeking reconciliation with her parents. She had not seen them in many years.

With the help of her counselor and the support of her husband, Marcie called her parents and asked if she could come and see them. They agreed.

Marcie called it “the longest journey I’ve ever made and the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had. At the time I knew nothing about the five languages of apology,” she said, “but I knew that I wanted to begin with an apology. In retrospect, I guess I tried to speak all five languages.”

Marcie recalls what she said: “I’ve come to apologize for allowing anger, bitterness, and resentment to keep me away from you for all these years. I know that I was wrong to have done that. I am deeply sorry that we have lost all these years. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make that up to you, but I’m willing to try. I want the future to be different, and I’ve come to ask you if you will please forgive me.”

By the end of her statement, both of her parents were crying. “My mother hugged me first, and then my father hugged me and said, ‘Yes. Yes.’ I was not prepared for what happened next. My father said, with tears in his eyes, ‘I’ll forgive you, but first I’ve got a lot of things that I need to ask you to forgive me for. I know that what I did to you was wrong. I’ve never discussed this with your mother, but I guess this is the time she needs to know that I abused you in an awful way. Since I’ve become a Christian, I’ve asked God to forgive me many times and I’ve shed many tears. And I hope that your mother can forgive me too.’

“I hugged my father and said, ‘I do forgive you. I’m a Christian too, and I know that Christ died for your sins as well as mine.’

“My mother looked at my dad and said, ‘I don’t know if I can forgive you; to think that this is what kept my baby away from me all these years.’

“We spent the next two hours talking and crying together. I encouraged my parents to see a counselor so they could work through the emotions this had created. It was the beginning of a healing journey for all of us.”

I must state clearly that, in my opinion, if her father had not apologized for his offense, the relationship would not have been restored. Marcie could not have apologized for her father; only he could do that. In her apology, she was dealing with her own failures; that is all any of us can do. But often, our willingness to apologize creates an emotional climate that makes it easier for the other person to apologize. I wondered how many of the young adults with whom I spoke on the streets of San Francisco might find a similar reunion if they chose to walk the road of apologizing.

APOLOGIZING TO YOUR ADULT CHILDREN

Now, let’s look at the other side of the equation. There are no perfect parents. We have seen young adults accept their parents’ apologies and genuinely forgive them for serious abuses. If you have an estranged relationship with your young adult child, why not take the initiative to apologize? Think of the years of pain that could have been avoided if Marcie’s father had taken the initiative to confess his wrong and seek forgiveness years earlier. His embarrassment would have been a small price to pay for the emotional healing, and his asking forgiveness could have alleviated years of estrangement. Not all failures are as devastating as sexual abuse, but when we wrong our children, the results are always negative. Admitting our failures and asking our young adults to forgive us is the road to removing emotional barriers.

Recognize a Strained Relationship

Typically, the wrongs we have committed are not moral but rather relational. During one single adult conference, I spoke on the child/parent relationship. Afterward, Sharon came to me and asked, “May I tell you my story?”

“Certainly,” I said.

“My parents are good people,” she began. “They have done much for me. In fact, that’s the problem. They have done too much for me. I’m an only child, and they both devoted their lives to me. Their philosophy was ‘Let me do it for you.’ So I grew up with the feeling that I was not capable of doing anything. I remember that once when I was about seven, I made up my own bed that morning. My mother came in a few minutes later and said, ‘Oh, my. What a mess,’ and she proceeded to make up the bed her way. I guess she thought she was doing the right thing, but it fostered in me a spirit of inadequacy. I didn’t do well in college, largely because of my self-concept.”

“I love my parents very much,” Sharon continued. “I think that their marriage was so insecure that they both found their only satisfaction in taking care of my needs. I wish they had taken care of each other and let me learn to take care of myself. I wish I could tell them what I feel, but I don’t want to hurt them. Mom wonders why I don’t come home more often.”

I was extremely empathetic with Sharon. I have met many young adults who struggle with similar parental patterns. The parents are typically hardworking people who may have grown up with little. Their hard work has made them successful, and they want to do for their children what was not done for them. However, they do so much that their children never learn to do for themselves. Their “kindness” fosters a dependence that appears in several areas of life, the most obvious of which is financial. The young adult grows up knowing little about the value of money and feeling low motivation to work. Not only is the young adult financially handicapped, but he or she also has relational and emotional struggles.

If you are the parent of an adult child with whom you have a strained relationship or who in your opinion is underperforming in various areas of life, you may want to reflect upon your parenting patterns. It may be time for an apology.

Apologize Even When the Offense Is Unintended

It’s not that you intentionally made mistakes. You were trying to care for your child. However, your behavior has made life more difficult for your son or daughter. Your apology cannot undo the emotional and relational inadequacies of your young adult, but it may well bring healing to your relationship. The fact that you are now seeing what the young adult has seen for many years but has been unwilling to share with you communicates to him or her that you are sensitive to your own failures and have the courage to admit them.

If you know the primary apology language of your young adult, be sure to include that in your apology. If you do not, then our suggestion is that you speak all five apology languages, and you are bound to hit it.

For example, if your young adult’s primary apology language is accepting responsibility—i.e., what they want to hear is “I was wrong,” and you leave this out of your apology—you may find that it does not have the desired results of reconciliation. A sincere apology opens up the possibility of forgiveness and true reconciliation.

APOLOGIZING TO BROTHERS AND SISTERS

Most siblings, in the process of growing up, do and say things that are hurtful to each other. If they were not taught to apologize, these hurts may become emotional barriers in their relationship. I remember Paul’s visit to my counseling office. “I became a Christian about two years ago … but something really troubles me. My brother and I have a really bad relationship; in fact, I haven’t spoken with him in five years. Since my mother’s funeral, I haven’t bothered to talk to him.”

An Argument about a Tombstone

“So what happened to set this off?” I asked.

“Well, after the funeral my sister and I were talking with him about a tombstone for Mom’s grave. He said he didn’t believe in tombstones, that it was a waste of money. I got really angry with him and told him that if that was the way he felt, I didn’t care to ever see him again. So my sister and I paid for the tombstone, and I haven’t seen him since. It didn’t bother me so much until I became a Christian, and I’ve been reading the Bible about forgiveness. And I think it is not right for me to hold that against him.”

“What kind of relationship did you and your brother have before your mother’s funeral?” I asked.

“We got along fairly well,” he said. “I wouldn’t say we were super close, but we never had any words with each other. We both respected each other. He didn’t come to see Mom as much as I wished. I went by every day to see her; my sister saw her almost as often. But he came by maybe once a week. I guess the tombstone thing was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“What about your father?” I inquired.

“He left us when we were all young. I haven’t seen him in years. Mom never remarried. She spent all of her energy working and trying to keep food on the table for us. I guess that’s another reason I resent my brother’s attitude.”

“It’s not hard for me to understand how that would upset you,” I said. “I would probably be upset myself in that situation. But I think you would probably agree that you overreacted when you told him that you never wanted to see him again.”

“I know,” he said. “I was just so angry; that’s the way I felt at the moment. But I know that I need to try to make it right. It’s not right for brothers to live in the same town and not talk to each other.”

“Have you ever heard your brother apologize to you for anything in the past?” I asked.

He thought for a moment and said, “I can’t remember ever hearing him apologize to me. He did tell my sister that he was sorry that he didn’t visit Mother more when she was sick. I was glad to hear that, but it was too late then.”

I explained to Paul the languages of an apology and told him why I asked him if he had ever heard his brother apologize. “Typically, people speak the apology language they desire to receive,” I explained. “Since he said to your sister that he was sorry that he didn’t visit your mother more often when she was sick, I’m guessing that his apology language is expressing regret: ‘I’m sorry. I feel bad about what I did.’”

“I’ve Really Missed You”

“Therefore, what I’m going to suggest is that you contact your brother and offer him an apology for the way you spoke to him and what you said to him about your mother’s tombstone.”

“That’s going to be hard,” he said.

“You are right. Probably one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life,” I affirmed, “but perhaps one of the most productive.” Together we worked on a possible apology statement. It looked something like this:

I realize that I overreacted to you after Mom’s funeral when we were talking about the tombstone. I feel bad about having said what I said to you. I know it was wrong, and I’ve thought a lot about it since then. I really am sorry that I said that. I don’t know if you can forgive me, but I would like to ask you to forgive me. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, I’d like to do it. I just feel bad that I’ve treated you that way and told you that I didn’t want to see you again. I’ve really missed you. I know I can’t take back the words, but I do want to say that I am sorry that I ever said those words. That’s not really what I desire, and I hope that you can forgive me.

Paul read the apology aloud, and tears came to his eyes. “That’s really the way I feel,” he said. “I’d like an opportunity to say this to him. How do I go about it?” he asked.

“I suggest you call him on the phone and ask him if you could come by and see him for a few minutes one evening. If he says no, then I suggest you wait a month and call him again. But I have an idea that he may say yes. If so, when you arrive at his house, don’t spend a lot of time in small talk. Get right to the point and let him know that you’ve come to apologize to him for something that has been bothering you for a long time. After you’ve seen your brother, I’d like for you to give me a call, because I’d like to know how it went.” He agreed and thanked me for our time together.

His Brother’s Response

Six weeks later, I got a call from Paul, asking for a follow-up appointment.

“Great. I’d like to hear it.”

A couple of days later Paul came to my office. “I can’t tell you how glad I am that I took your advice,” he said. “It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life, but when I apologized to my brother, he started crying. He said, ‘I know what I said was wrong. I should have helped pay for Mom’s tombstone. I don’t know; I’ve never been much for sentimental things. But I know it was wrong. At first, I was hurt and angry with your response. But later I realized that you had a right to say what you said. I probably would have said the same thing if I had been in your shoes. So I guess what I’m saying is I will forgive you if you will forgive me.’

“We hugged each other, and both of us cried for a long time. And then my brother said, ‘I want you to tell me how much the tombstone cost, because I want to pay you and Sis for my part.’

“‘You don’t need to do that,’ I said. ‘Just the fact that we’ve gotten back together is enough payment for me.’

“‘I know, but I want to do it for my sake and for Mom,’ he said with tears running down his face.

“‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I’ll try to find the papers and let you know how much it was.’ Then we sat down and talked for an hour about what had been going on in our lives since Mom died. It was a wonderful time, and I feel like our relationship has been restored. We’re having him and his wife over to our house next week for a cookout. My wife and I are excited to learn what’s been going on in their lives. Thanks for giving me the courage to apologize,” he said.

“I’m glad you followed through,” I said. “Few things are more powerful in human relationships than learning to accept responsibility for failures and to sincerely apologize to the person we have wronged.”

I believe that many sibling relationships could be healed if someone was willing to take the initiative and apologize. I cannot guarantee that all apologies will be as successful in restoring relationships as was Paul’s apology, but I can assure you that relationships are always better when someone chooses to apologize.

APOLOGIZING TO YOUR IN-LAWS

No matter how much we may be devoted to our in-laws, these relationships can be difficult to navigate for one basic reason: marriage brings together two sets of traditions and patterns of family relationships. These differences almost inevitably create conflicts. Failure to deal with these conflicts can create years of “in-law problems.”

I remember the couple who sat in my office some months ago. “We don’t understand our daughter-in-law,” said Katherine. “She has told us that she doesn’t want us to visit our grandchildren without calling or texting and making sure it is convenient for her. What kind of relationship is that?”

Her husband, Curtis, added: “I grew up in a home where my grandparents stopped by almost every day. It was one of the highlights of my childhood. We like our daughter-in-law. When she was dating Alan, we were pleased when they announced that they were going to get married. But it’s like now that they have children, she’s changed. Why would she want to make everything so difficult?”

“Probably because she’s a wife and mother and employee and a choir member,” I said. “And life gets pretty hectic; for you to drop by unexpectedly is another stress factor for her.”

I could tell they were shocked at my answer, so I continued talking. “Do she and Alan often ask you to babysit with the children?” I asked.

“Almost every week,” Katherine said. “That’s the thing about it. We try to help them out so they can have time together, and then she treats us this way.”

I tried to explain to them the difference in family dynamics and the difference in generational patterns. “When you were children, life was much simpler, easier, and slower; and neighbors often visited with neighbors. Now it’s screens, swimming classes, dance classes, piano lessons, Little League, etc. Family life is much busier. For the average family, there is very little leisure time. Consequently, to have in-laws visit whenever it is convenient for them often puts greater stress on the young couple as they seek to rear their children.”

I told them that their daughter-in-law’s request that they call or text before coming and make sure it was convenient for them was not abnormal in today’s culture. I suggested that Katherine and Curtis make the most of the opportunities they get to babysit with their grandchildren and recognize those times as their primary opportunities for interacting with them.

Then I suggested that they needed to apologize to their daughter-in-law for being insensitive to the stress their unannounced visits were causing. I could tell that this was not the way they had expected this conversation to end. But I could also tell that they were grappling with what I was saying and trying to understand. I commended them for coming to see me and trying to get help rather than letting this simply continue until they ended up doing or saying something very destructive to the in-law relationship.

“You are at a very crucial point in your relationship with your daughter-in-law,” I suggested. “I think that a sincere apology from you will mend the hurt and allow you to have a positive relationship in the future. Do you know your daughter-in-law’s primary apology language?” I asked. The blank look in their eyes told me that was a new concept. So I explained to them the five languages of apology and why it was important to speak the other person’s primary apology language.

“I think her language must be accepting responsibility,” Katherine said, “because Alan told us that when they have spats, she wants him to say, ‘I was wrong,’ and that anything short of that she doesn’t consider an apology.”

“Then let’s assume that is her primary apology language,” I said, “so be sure you include that in your apology. It won’t hurt to throw in some of the other languages as well.” We spent the next few minutes working on a possible apology statement. Here’s what we ended up with:

We have realized that our coming by unannounced has put unnecessary pressure on you and Alan and the children. That is certainly not our desire. We realize that has been wrong, and we would like to ask you to forgive us. In both our childhoods, life was a lot different; much slower and people stopped by all the time unannounced. But we know that it’s different now. We all live with a lot of pressure. You have work and church and all the kids’ activities. We certainly want to respect that. We appreciate your letting us babysit the children. We enjoy those times. So feel free to call on us anytime. And we promise we will try not to just stop by but always call to see if it is convenient. And if not, we won’t take it personally, because we know how stressful life can be sometimes. We love you two so much, and we want you to have good family relationships and a strong marriage. We want to be an asset and not a liability. So will you forgive us for being a little pushy in the past? We know it was wrong, and we want to make it different in the future.

Later they told me that their apology was successful and they felt that their relationship with their daughter-in-law was now healthy. “I guess we’ve got to learn to live in the twenty-first century,” they said. “Thanks for helping us.”

Most troubled in-law relationships could be mended if someone were willing to apologize and learn how to express the apology in the language of the other person.

The same is true with every other family relationship: grandparents and grandchildren, aunts and uncles and cousins, and certainly within stepfamilies. But whether you’re part of a large, close-knit clan all living in the same town, or your extended family is spread around the country or around the world and you keep in touch by Zoom and social media, learning to give and receive apologies will go a long way toward healing your family relationships.

TALK ABOUT IT

Have you ever experienced or observed a broken or damaged relationship in your family?

“Most siblings, in the process of growing up, do and say things that are hurtful to each other.” How have you dealt with that in your own life?

In what ways can writing an apology statement help in dealing with an emotional issue? Can you think of a time when writing out your apology would have better helped the situation?