Truly Sorry, Truly Forgiven

Steven Spielberg’s award-winning movie Lincoln looks at the months in the great president’s life when he was pushing for passage of the Emancipation Proclamation. The success of the film, as well as the racial reckoning that Americans have wrestled with in recent years, has reminded Americans once again of our sorrowful history of enslavement of and violence toward Black citizens. Much has been said over the years about “apologizing” for enslavement, about making reparations and effecting reconciliation. The same has happened in regard to other unjustly treated groups such as Japanese-Americans who were interned during World War II, Chinese immigrants who faced tremendous discrimination in the nineteenth century, or Native Americans who suffered so greatly as our nation expanded westward.

And today, when so many conflicts are “resolved” at the point of a gun, we must ask: What would happen if we all learned to apologize more effectively? If we learned to forgive and accept forgiveness?

These national conversations are ongoing, challenging, and absolutely necessary. And, sometimes, learning to forgive happens much closer to home.

WHAT WE ALL NEED

When our granddaughter Davy Grace was five, her mother and father allowed her to spend a special week with Grandma and Grandpa. Karolyn and I were elated. The week was great fun. But one experience is indelibly printed in my memory. Karolyn has a special drawer where she keeps “stickers” for the grandchildren. Davy Grace, of course, knew about this special drawer and asked her grandmother if she could have some stickers. Karolyn told her that she could have three, any three she chose.

An hour or two later, we began to see stickers all over the house. Davy Grace had taken the entire sheet of stickers and placed them randomly. Karolyn said to her, “I thought I told you to take only three stickers, but you have taken the whole sheet.”

Davy Grace stood in silence as her grandmother continued. “You disobeyed Grandmother.”

Tears cascaded down Davy Grace’s face as she said, “I need somebody to forgive me.”

I shall never forget those words nor the pain that I saw in her young face. My tears joined her tears as I embraced her and said, “Honey, all of us need somebody to forgive us. And Papa will be happy to forgive you, and I’m sure Grandmother will also.” Karolyn joined us in our hug of reconciliation.

SOMEBODY TO FORGIVE US

I have reflected upon that scene many times while I have been writing this book on apology. I’m convinced that the need for forgiveness is universal and that acknowledging that need is the essence of an apology.

Apologies grow out of an awareness that my words or behavior has violated the trust of others or has offended them in some way. When these offenses go unacknowledged, the relationship is fractured. I live with a sense of guilt or a smug self-righteousness while the offended party lives with hurt, disappointment, and/or anger. We both know that our relationship has suffered from the offense. If neither of us extends the olive branch, the quality of our relationship will continue to diminish.

Years ago while living in Chicago, I often volunteered at the Pacific Garden Mission. I met scores of men and a few women who shared with me their journey to the streets. I recognized a common thread through all of their stories. All of them had a series of experiences in which someone treated them unfairly—at least this was their perception. And no one ever apologized. Many of them admitted that they also had treated others unkindly and failed to apologize. A string of broken relationships was the result. Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.

On the other end of the social spectrum is corporate America. In recent years, we have seen numerous corporate executives indicted and sometimes convicted of fraud. One wonders what would have happened if these executives had learned to apologize when they were climbing up the corporate ladder.

Many government employees have also joined the ranks of the convicted. Most of them have pleaded innocent until they were proven guilty. When apologies have been made, they tended to be stated in very nebulous terms and often appeared self-serving. In the case of government and public executives, the reluctance to apologize may grow out of fear that the apology will be used against them. They reason, Better to keep quiet and maintain my position than to apologize and lose everything. Many have never come to understand that there are things in life more important than power and money. Albert Einstein once wrote, “Sometimes what counts can’t be counted, and what can be counted doesn’t count.”¹

Breaking the Patterns of Our Culture

For the “ordinary” man or woman, the reluctance to apologize is rooted in cultural patterns that they observed and internalized while growing up. Thus, as we have discussed earlier, some jump immediately into the blame mode, blaming others for their failures. Others, with a stone face, deny that any offense has been committed. Still others make a quick and weak apology, hoping to put the matter behind them.

However, a growing number of people are learning to slow down and take time to genuinely apologize. These are the strong ones; these are the heroes; these are the ones whom people like to be around; these are the ones whom people trust.

IF APOLOGIES WERE A WAY OF LIFE …

The art of apologizing is not easy, but it can be learned, and it is worth the effort. Apologizing opens up a whole new world of emotional and spiritual health. Having apologized, we are able to look ourselves in the mirror, look people in the eyes, and worship God “in spirit and in truth.” It is those who truly apologize who are most likely to be truly forgiven.

If apologizing were a way of life, no walls would be built. Relationships would be authentic. Certainly people would fail, but the failures would be dealt with in an open and honest manner. Regret would be expressed; responsibility would be accepted. Restitution would be made. Planned change or changes would be our intention, and we would stand humbly and say, “I need somebody to forgive me.” I believe in most cases if we learned to apologize effectively, we would be genuinely forgiven.

When apology becomes a way of life, relationships will remain healthy. People will find the acceptance, support, and encouragement they need. Fewer people would turn to drugs and alcohol in an effort to find escape from broken relationships. And fewer people would live on the streets of America.

Yes, Davy Grace, I too need somebody to forgive me. From five to eighty-five, we all need someone to forgive us. That is more likely to happen if we learn to apologize effectively. May this book move all of us into the apology mode. May we learn to recognize and overcome our tendency to blame, deny, or offer quick and weak apologies without truly dealing with the offense.

As we close this book, perhaps you would like to join us in this prayer: “Father, give me the attitude of Davy Grace: ‘I need somebody to forgive me,’ and teach me how to apologize effectively. Amen.”

TALK ABOUT IT

Take some time to discuss some of the conflicts and ills in our society. How would “admitting wrong” help heal some of these ills?