Today’s moms are different from moms of even a generation ago. Demands on mothers have risen to dangerous proportions. Even mothers, when overloaded, can short-circuit and self-destruct.
Especially when your day goes like this:
It is 6:00 A.M. Susan (I’ll name her that, but she could be any one of you) manages to drag herself out of bed. Her husband, George, grabs the back of her silk nightie, flashes her an irresistible smile, and says, “Why don’t you come back to bed for a few minutes, sweetheart?”
Half an hour later Susan hauls herself out of bed again. This time George pats her on the behind and says, “How’s about a big breakfast this morning, honey?”
“Sure thing,” Susan promises. At that moment she’d promise him the moon, carved into bite-sized pieces. He’s her husband, friend, and lover, and she’s his willing servant. “Go back to sleep for about an hour,” she croons. “I’ll wake you with breakfast in bed.”
She hums an old familiar love song as she dreamily shuffles down the hall and into the kitchen, then dutifully tosses hubby’s bacon into a pan.
“Mom!” her daughter Janelle screams. “You’re not ready.”
“Shhh. You’ll wake your father. Ready for what?”
“Don’t tell me you forgot. I told you to set the alarm early so you could take me to rally squad practice this morning. Mom,” Janelle moans. “I have to be there by six-thirty.”
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? If I’m late I could get kicked off the squad. My life will be ruined, and all you can say is, ‘I’m sorry’?”
“Oh … here.” Susan pushes the car keys at her teenage daughter. “Go start the car. I won’t bother to dress. I’ll just throw a coat over my robe. It’s only a few minutes away and no one will see me.” Susan jams the bacon into the oven and turns it up to four hundred degrees. It will be done to perfection by the time she gets back.
As Susan heads back home a few minutes later, she smiles at her flexibility. Even though she had to rush Janelle to school, it won’t interrupt her morning.
With only four blocks to go, Susan glances in her rearview mirror, only to be confronted by red-and-blue flashing lights. A yowling siren tells her to pull over.
By the time Susan drives into her driveway and dashes into the house, smoke has filled the kitchen and is drifting down toward the …
Be-e-e-e-e-e-! The sound of the smoke alarm brings the rest of her household to life.
“Don’t you know better than to leave bacon unattended? You could have killed us all with that stupid trick … ow!” George mutters as he burns his hand on the fire-blackened pan. Susan listens to another five minutes of George’s rantings about fire hazards as they open windows and doors to clear the air.
“I’m hungry,” Ryan, age six, complains.
“Mom.” A voice belonging to twelve-year-old Kim rings up the stairway. “Where are my gym clothes—you were supposed to wash them last night.”
“Susan,” George bellows, “where’s my blue tie? I asked you to pick it up at the cleaner’s yesterday.”
“Mom, I can’t find my science book.”
“Mommy, I’m hungry.”
The voices become a blur of endless demands and Susan … well, Susan’s curled up in a little ball under her covers—the electric blanket turned up high—wishing she were a little girl so she could suck her thumb again.
Come on, be honest now. Aren’t there days when you can see yourself running around in circles, crying, “This does not compute,” like a robot with a few essential screws loose?
What Went Wrong?
As we look in on Susan a little later, we find that she’s finally crawled out of her warm, safe cocoon, but she isn’t happy. “Why couldn’t I have handled the morning better? If only I’d remembered why I set the alarm.” The craziness of the morning wouldn’t have been so bad in itself—if it had been the first time. But it hadn’t. Susan hurries to get herself in order before her friend Karen arrives. I may be a hassled, half-crazed homemaker, she says to herself, but at least I can still pretend that all is well. Can’t I?
After all, Karen owns and manages a small boutique at the mall, is rearing four well-behaved kids, keeps a clean house, and reads at least two novels a week. And she does it all alone. Her husband left town on business with a very young, very attractive, very successful female attorney five years ago and never came back. In spite of all that, Karen finds time to be a loving and supportive friend.
How would it look if I told her I couldn’t even manage a simple breakfast? Susan pastes on a smile. She doesn’t like playing the game, but what can she do? There are no smiles left inside of her.
As the doorbell rings and Karen hugs her in greeting, Susan’s facade crumbles as tears betray her.
“Susan.” Karen ushers her now sobbing friend to the sofa. “What’s wrong?”
The words of explanation over the morning crisis spill out and mingle with the flow of tears.
Karen sits quietly, just listening. When her friend finishes her tale of woe, she says, “Oh, Sue, it must have been terrible, but we all have days like that. C’mon, let’s go shopping. That will cheer you up.”
“No, it’s no use. I’ve been having too many days like this.” Susan stands and walks to the fireplace. “You see this picture? Our family portrait. I was so confident then, so sure … oh, Karen, what’s the use? I’m a failure. I keep thinking I should be doing something different. I’ve even thought of leaving my family. I’m not much good to them anyway.”
“Susan, you’re a wonderful mother and wife. How can you say that?”
“Well, it’s true. I don’t even know who I am anymore, or why I was born. I sometimes wish I’d never met George or had the children … oh.” Susan holds a tissue to her face to catch another stream of tears. “There, you see? I’m a terrible mother … how could I even think things like that?”
“Because you’re normal.” Karen wraps a comforting arm across Susan’s shoulders. “Listen, I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s a crisis most mothers find themselves in at some time or other.”
“It is? How would you know? You always seem so together …”
“I always was a great actress.”
“Really?”
“Really. I’ll tell you what. Go wash your face, fix your makeup, and I’ll take you out for coffee and a delectable piece of amaretto fudge cake. Then I’ll show you a secret to beat the blues on a permanent basis.”
Are You Riding in a Rut?
Since the secret Karen was going to share with Susan was one I shared with Karen, I’m going to pause here to bring you all a little closer to the fire.
Probably the most valuable insight I learned as a mother is the art of being happy. The way I see it, we have two roads on which to travel through life. One road leads us in the groove of happiness and satisfaction, and the other bumps us along in ruts of sadness and despair.
Most of us do a little bouncing back and forth between the two. The secret of happy mothering is knowing which road to take.
Which road are you traveling on? To help you determine that, I’d like you to take a short quiz.
These are just a few of many questions I could ask, but these twelve should be enough for you to determine your present direction. If most of your answers were true, then chances are you are in a rut and heading for more gloom. If you ended up with more false answers, you’re probably meandering a little closer to happiness.
Our friend Susan was definitely heading down the grinding road of dissatisfaction. Karen, on the other hand, had once been in the same rut, but had managed to climb over to the other side. Her walk along life’s way is smoother, easier, and all-around more pleasant. How did Karen make the transfer to happier mothering?
She did it simply by learning more about the roads, where they lead, and what she could do to change her course.
Let’s take a look now at the two roads I described.
| The Road to the Pits | The Road to Satisfaction |
| 1. Focus on self and problems—a complainer | 1. Focus on God |
| 2. Low self-esteem | 2. High self-esteem |
| 3. Lack of vision or goals | 3. Vision (goals) |
| 4. Feelings of uselessness, unworthiness | 4. Accomplishments (feels useful) |
| 5. Sense of hopelessness | 5. Hope—excitement for tomorrow |
| 6. Fear of new things/ inflexibility | 6. Flexibility—eagerness to learn |
| 7. Insecurity | 7. Security in position |
| 8. Stagnation | 8. Growth and learning |
| 9. Depression/stress/anxiety | 9. Vitality |
| 10. Problems never end | 10. Problem solver |
When Susan answered the questions she said, “Oh, great. I’m riding straight down to the dumps. So what do I do now? How can you expect me to change places? I’m using all the strength I have to just hold on so I don’t fall off.”
Changing your position isn’t easy, but it is possible. I found myself in much the same position Susan was in. One of the first steps for me was to determine my purpose in life.
Why Was I Born?
Part of the unrest felt by mothers today, whether they’ve chosen a career that takes them outside the home or one that allows them to work at home, is that they haven’t discovered their purpose in life.
Do you find yourself asking questions like these:
“Why was I born?”
“Is that all there is?”
“What’s the use?”
Or have you made statements like this one:
“I’ve considered all the options, and there’s only one way out. I’m running away from home.”
The trouble is, even if you chose to run away from it all, you’d still be traveling down the same lonely highway, sloshing through mud and disillusionment.
If you feel as if you may have taken a wrong turn, here are some questions and answers that can help you make the change.
1. What is your relationship with God? Chances are, if you’ve taken the windy path to gloom and doom, you’ve lost sight of God in your life. If you’ll check the list again, you’ll find that on the happiness road I’ve written about focusing on God. When we keep ourselves focused on God and walk the course He sets for us, we can never stay in misery for long. There is no problem too big for us if we keep God as the central point in our lives.
2. Why were you born? What a question. Theologically, I could say, “We were all born to do the will of God.” While the message is basically true, to leave it at that would be a simple way out. I believe each of us was born for a purpose. Sometimes it takes a lifetime of trial and error to find what that purpose is. The next few questions may help you find the answers.
3. What are your gifts and special talents? Each of us is like a weaving, made up of many threads. There is one main fiber that is woven through me. It reflects, like sparks of gold, in everything I do. I’m an artist. As a mother, I spent a lot of time teaching my children how to create.
I became a nurse because another of my strongest fibers is compassion and seeing the best in people.
Make a list of what you most like to do, then choose one or two favorites. That is probably your specialty.
4. What would God want you to accomplish in your lifetime? Not an easy question for anyone. I can’t predict the future, but I can be willing to try anything once. I have an open-door policy where God is concerned. If I’m not sure which way to go, I simply try all the doors available. If they open, I walk through. If not—I don’t. Maybe I’ll get my fingers smashed in the process, but if I don’t try, how will I know what God wants for me?
Many years ago I said, “God, I really want to serve you. Show me how.” A door opened that led to being a writer. I stood on the threshold. Behind me was familiar territory. I was a potter and a nurse, and I certainly had enough to do without taking on whatever lay behind this new door. It was scary. I’d never been there before. Maybe it wasn’t God, I thought. But how would I know unless I tried? I walked through the door and said, “Okay, God. You win.” Today I’m an author, and I love it. This is God’s will for me.
Look back over your life and write down the things you have already accomplished. Then look to the future in anticipation of more. Don’t be afraid to try doors. Trust that God will close those He doesn’t want you to go through.
5. How can you best use your talents to serve God? My talents are used when I write, sing, or speak for groups. When you submit yourself as a vessel for God’s use, He decides how. All you have to do is say yes.
6. What is your responsibility to your family? When talents, accomplishments, and all the other good things you do get in the way of your relationships with your family, it’s time to back off and take another look. Sometimes it’s the church or religion that is asking for your time and talent—not God. Because my specific work in God’s will involves writing, I don’t involve myself in church socials or bazaars—it’s not my job right now. I’ve learned to say no to many time-stealers because I need to write and, more important, spend time with my family.
7. Are you accomplishing God’s will in your life? I’ve learned a great way to tell whether or not I’m in God’s will. As a potter, I take a ball of clay and center it on the wheel. I gently assert my will and move it until it is where I want it. When it is centered, I can close my eyes and feel as if the clay and I are one. We move in perfect unison and I can even feel the quiet cooperation in my soul. It reminds me of how I as clay must be centered in God’s will. I wrote a poem to describe my feelings at this marvelous discovery.
The Master Potter
He is the Potter, I am clay
He holds me in His hand—centers me—
encircles me.
Like clay, I am weak and shapeless without the sustaining power of the Potter’s hand.
If I resist, my life becomes turmoil … my impurities overwhelm me.
If I submit, He takes control. He opens me—molds me …
I begin to take shape and form.
I am real, full of life in His Holy Spirit.
Then again, if I resist, I become weak—I may break
For my walls are thin and transparent as the
finest porcelain.
I must submit—returned to the whole, with wounds healed to remind me of my
suffering:
And the perfect, life-restoring God, who
salvages me.
When I’m off center—out of God’s will—I feel restless, unsure. When that happens I have to take an accounting of my priorities and what I’m doing that doesn’t coincide with God’s will.
8. Are you willing to change if God wants you to shift priorities? Change isn’t easy. I had to change from nursing to writing. I didn’t want to at first, but God’s gentle centering maneuvered me into a spot where I looked back one day and realized it had happened. But I had been willing to be moved.
My friend Sally is thrilled with being a stay-at-home mother. Her own children are grown now, but she likes the idea so much she’s going to start all over again. She’s adopting three children from El Salvador. Now that will be a full-time job.
“I’m a stay-at-home mom. It’s what I do best, and I want to do it all my life,” says Sally.
Yet in talking to Sally, I find a woman who is not necessarily locked into the role of the stay-at-home mom. She is versatile. She has worked off and on in special jobs, usually counseling, which she knows the Lord has called her to do. Some of her work has been on a volunteer basis; some has not.
While the children remain a higher priority than any job, she remains flexible.
9. Do you have a vision? The Bible says that “where there is no vision, the people perish” (Prov. 29:18 KJV). I see a lot of families perishing and wonder if lack of vision or purpose isn’t part of the problem. Think about it. What do you want for your children? Your husband? And what do you want for yourself? Maybe part of the reason for your frustration as a mom is that you don’t see beyond motherhood. Or maybe you have and it worries you.
In chapter 16 we’ll work a little more on developing a vision for you not only as a mom but as an individual as well.
10. What are your goals or visions? As a mother, my vision was to see my children through childhood and watch them grow into responsible Christian adults. My vision has become a reality.
But I’m not just a mother. I have another vision for me. Because the children are grown I see this vision more clearly now. I decided to go back to school and get my master’s degree.
Write down your goals, visions, hopes, and dreams. Keep the list in your diary or Bible and look at it periodically.
By moving onto the right road, finding a purpose, and having a vision, you are well on your way to being more satisfied and accepting of who and where you are.
Kids need a mom who can be happy and well adjusted whatever her situation, who, like the apostle Paul, has “learned, in whatever state I am, to be content” (Phil. 4:11 RSV). The wise mom accepts the things she can’t change and works to change the things she can.
It isn’t always easy to change directions. But goal setting, hard work, and prayer can help you make giant steps toward the path you were meant to follow. Sometimes we have to come back to the beginning and revise old habits and thought patterns.
It can be a frustrating experience to find yourself back at the starting place after years of work, but try not to think of the past, only of the bright new future that lies on the path you’ve chosen. It’s time to burst forth and conquer new horizons in this new and exciting world of ours.
A good place to start over is by redefining priorities. Every once in a while, when I start feeling off center, I have to reevaluate my life and reset my priorities.
Priority Living
Have you ever come across the priority list for mothers? I’ve seen it in daily planning books and in various Bible-study programs. It goes something like this:
I tend to agree with most of the list—to a point—but I see three problems. First, some women tend to take it too literally. Second, priorities change. And third, the number five priority, a job, may at times be intertwined with number one—your relationship with God.
There are times when a child becomes first priority. For example, say your ten-year-old falls out of an apple tree. As he’s sprawled out on the ground, do you check your priority list to make sure you’ve placed God first and your husband second? Of course not. While you may stop to say a brief prayer, your priority will be to get that kid some help … fast.
Maybe you’re saying, “Well, of course. That kind of priority shift is obvious.” True, but let’s move on to a little more drastic shift.
Some of the things at the bottom of your priority list may at times wind up near the top. What if your husband is injured and loses his job? You suddenly find yourself working to keep a roof over your head. What’s happened to the priorities? They’ve probably turned into a guilt trip and are taking you for a ride.
Hopefully, God is still at the top as you continue to “seek first the kingdom of God” (Matt. 6:33). Or did you temporarily place Him at the bottom because He allowed this terrible thing to happen and you’re not even sure you want to be on speaking terms with Him at the moment?
Your husband, because he is in agreement with your working, is still in second place. And your children, now under more of their father’s influence as a househusband, will still receive a fair amount of your attention. But people outside your home? Let’s face it, even though people are important, in some cases the job will have to take priority.
In another case, a mom is forced to prioritize her job up there along with God and her children—that is, if they want food and a place to sleep. What I’m saying is that we can’t afford to live by a rigid set of priorities. We must be flexible to put our strength into the various duties God gives us to carry out. Priorities can and often will change from day to day.
I work out of my home and know that I am being obedient to God’s will in this ministry. While I try to maintain a balance between God, family, home, and career, there are times when my work is all-consuming.
If I were to consistently put my job before my family and home, I would be out of balance. Likewise, if I let my writing go and focused all my energies into my family and home (which I could easily do), I would again be out of balance.
When Priorities Go Wrong
Shuffling priorities is fine, as long as you maintain your responsibilities at home and with God. In this busy lifestyle, however, it’s easy to wrongly shift our priorities. I know—I’ve done it.
About two years ago, I became involved in a business. It was a worthwhile venture, and at the time I thought it was right for me. However, I let the business steal time from my family, my writing, and my home. After months of frustration and restlessness, it finally dawned on me that I was off center. I’d put the business first and in doing so had thrown my whole life out of alignment. I had to reprioritize.
Priority living can help us keep on target, but we shouldn’t get too legalistic about it. The point I’m trying to stress here is flexibility.
I’m reminded of the controversy between Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38–42. Martha was busy concerning herself over all the things that had to be done and complained about Mary’s decision to sit at Jesus’ feet. “Martha, dear friend,” Jesus said, “you are so upset over all these details! There is really only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it—and I won’t take it away from her.”
As we read in Ecclesiastes, “There is a time for every purpose under heaven.” There is a time for sweeping and a time for singing lullabies. There is a time for preparing meals and a time for sitting down together. There is a time for staying home and a time to go out to the fields. There is a time to do dishes and a time to sit at the feet of Jesus.
As mothers and women, let’s take care we don’t get so involved with our priority list that we forget to listen for that still small voice of God.
The next chapter is titled “Help and Hope for Working Moms.” I want to clarify right now that I don’t mean just moms who work outside the home. This chapter will be helpful to every busy mother who wishes she had a thirty-six-hour day. So, stay-at-home moms, read on—there’s good stuff here for you too.