Great Expectations: The Toddler Years

As parents can attest, every child is unique, and there is simply no such thing as “typical” when it comes to describing children and their differences.

Just as each child has a unique fingerprint, every child comes with unique gifts and vulnerabilities. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for how to manage a toddler, which is why parents are so important. They are the best judges of what is best for their child using all that they know about his personality, his maturity, and ways of responding that they are always in the process of learning.

As your dynamic child grows, you will be figuring out answers to some important questions about him: What does he like to do the most? What are his strengths and vulnerabilities? What’s he most curious about? What does he dislike? What’s his favorite way of communicating? What are the ways he likes to learn? What is changing about him? What is staying the same?

This chapter explores how toddlers’ personalities are shaped, and it gives you some rough guidelines to help you in dealing with some of the unique characteristics of your child.

A toddler’s temperament has a powerful effect on how he learns and reacts. Temperament can be difficult to pinpoint, since toddlers can be so unpredictable, but the term refers to those personality traits that tend to remain the same from one day to the next.

How might you characterize your toddler to someone else? Do you consider him a live wire? Is he shy? Is he clingy? Is he easy-going? Is he an avid explorer? Or is he someone who prefers to pause and look around before he leaps?

Competent parents sometimes have very challenging children, and not-so-good parents sometimes have very easy-going, well-balanced children. And, as many families can attest, there are frequently wide personality differences among children in the same family.

A sensitive, cautious toddler is more likely to back off and withdraw while a volatile child is more likely to have irregular sleep/ wake patterns. And, as you’ve probably already discovered, toddlers are often mellow at one moment and acting out at the next.

The important thing to discover as a parent of a toddler is that you don’t always have to bear such a strong burden of responsibility for something over which you really have little control.

Some toddler traits are more likely to stick around through childhood and into adulthood, such as being slow to warm up, or mostly being positive or negative in mood; others are likely to change over time.

Here are some examples of typical toddler traits, with suggestions for handling them:

First let’s look at the characteristics of an “easy-going and relaxed” toddler. People might describe this child as a “good boy (or girl).” Toddlers are good in their own special way, of course, but these super-amenable children seem mostly to have a sunshiny, positive outlook on life. Neither sluggish nor hyper, when they’re awake and alert, they’re generally calm, seem to enjoy themselves, and have moderate rather than extreme activity levels.

Whether stacking blocks, putting toys into a box and taking them back out again, rolling on the floor, or trying to scribble with a fat crayon, this toddler’s attention span helps him to stick to what he’s doing without getting overly distracted by other things, at least for a while, without interruption.

An easy-going, relaxed toddler seems willing to adapt readily to new situations without a lot of fuss, and usually is able to strike a balance between caution and curiosity. This, of course, is a best-case scenario when you’re dealing with toddlers who are, by nature, somewhat unpredictable.

Highly active toddlers thrive on the deep-muscle sensations they get from climbing, whirling, and jumping onto and off of things. They are drawn to wild, impulsive activities and go out of their way to find new physical feats to master. Sometimes strong exploratory urges make them vulnerable to injuries and falls, and they may seem restless, difficult to control, and easily upset.

Generally these are not the children to patiently wait in a line or sit in the doctor’s office while calmly entertaining themselves with a picture book. Toys are interesting for only half a minute, then the urge to move strikes again and they restlessly move on to something else.

Being confined or bored can sometimes lead to tantrums, aggression, or destructiveness, and trying to strap these little wigglers into a high chair or car seat could be a struggle complete with back-arching protests and more. Grocery shopping with super-energized toddlers can quickly turn into a nightmare, especially when they protest loudly, escape the shopping cart and disappear down another grocery aisle, or pull cans and boxes off the shelves.

Some parents worry that their super-active toddlers have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but at this age it’s simply too early to know for sure, and many toddlers who are highly active may naturally calm down as they age. Once they have better physical control, they learn how to channel their energy in more constructive outlets.

Parents of highly active toddlers are often especially vigilant, since their little ones are more apt to take risks than other children of the same age. It’s typical to worry about your child’s physical safety (as well as your own sanity), so give him plenty of opportunity for physical exertion and build in some respite for yourself whenever possible.

• Wear him out. This child needs a lot of vigorous exercise every day, preferably outdoors, to help him let off steam. Toddler-safe playgrounds can be a great help since they allow him to have outdoor adventures, hopefully without hurting himself. He’ll also gain physical coordination by splashing around in water, working out in a toddler gym class, or running around in an uncrowded mall to supply him with the physical stimulation he hungers for.

• Keep his hands busy. If he has to be still for a while, give him something to do with his hands, such as squishing a small ball of play dough, peeling stickers off his arms or shirt, rolling a push toy in his lap, tossing foam balls that won’t knock anything over, or turning pages in a board book or magazine.

• Create a “no accident” zone. In addition to childproofing your home, set aside a special zone where your toddler can move around freely with your supervision, such as in a designated area in the den or the basement. If he likes to jump and spin, give him safe places to do just that. Set up a portable toddler-sized sliding board, a crawl-through tunnel, or other items that encourage activity.

• Build in R & R for you. It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to be able to cope with your highly active toddler 24/7. You’ve got to have time off to restore. It’s as simple as that. Find others to relieve you at least once or twice a week for as many hours as you can wrangle to give yourself the self-nurturing you need for the next round of toddler chasing. It helps to find other parents with similar toddlers to share shoptalk.

Highly sensitive toddlers feel sensations more acutely than most toddlers and have a hard time getting used to or making sense of them. Sounds, sights, lights, music, and temperature changes—any of these sensations can evoke distress.

Not all toddlers are sensitive in the same ways. Children with a highly reactive sense of touch may find soft caresses unnerving. A soft pat on the head could evoke a strong response akin to experiencing pain. Clothes may feel too scratchy or too tight, and even the smallest clothing tag or seam in a sock could be annoying to the point of distraction.

Even a routine well-baby examination could terrify this child and evoke a strong pain reaction, potentially leading to either clinging to a parent in stark terror, or causing an intense meltdown followed by a glazed-eyed withdrawal, as if your child has undergone a profound emotional shock or is “zoned out.”

A toddler with auditory sensitivity may be acutely aware of sounds, such as a humming refrigerator, that seem to be unbearable. What is a background noise to you will be maddeningly distracting to him. He may never acclimate to certain everyday sounds, such as children screaming, doors slamming, dogs barking, a vacuum or a television running, or even a clock ticking, never mind smoke alarms, loud vehicle mufflers, or music played over public-address systems.

Children with a highly sensitive sense of taste are often described as “picky eaters.” Temperature, texture, and flavor—food qualities that barely faze other children or adults—may cause a very strong negative reaction in this toddler. This isn’t just a matter of a child turning up his nose. Instead, it’s consistently too smooth or too crunchy, too hot or too cold, but, unlike Goldilocks, he may have to try more than three options to find something he’ll accept as “just right.”

Your toddler may recoil and try to tuck his head into your shoulder or hide behind your leg as a way of protecting himself from feeling too overwhelmed. It’s the directness of others’ approaches, their loud voices, and their scents that he’s reacting to, the fear of a touch, grasp, or hug.

Some highly sensitive toddlers become hyper, distressed, or inconsolable as bedtime rolls around because their acute sensibilities make it hard for them to shut their systems down for sleep. This child may require a very snug wrapping in a blanket, ritual vibration, or being rhythmically being rocked into slumber. If he has a “lovey,” a well-worn (and smelly) blanket or bear, it may help him relax and finally drift off to sleep.

A highly sensitive child may not adapt well to group child-care settings. He may find being confined in quarters filled with lots of objects and noisy, demanding children to be overwhelming. A “skin sensitive” child may recoil at having his hands wet or dirty, which will cause him to withdraw from sandbox play, wearing sandals or walking barefoot on grass, or having tactile experiences that typically evoke pleasure in other children.

If you observe any of the previously described scenarios coupled with your tot tending to isolate himself and withdraw into a corner, it could be his way of trying to protect himself from the onslaught of stimulation that makes him feel threatened and distressed inside.

• Don’t force it. It doesn’t help your child to try to coerce him into being less sensitive or reactive. Not only can he not be anything other than his authentic, difficult-to-figure self, forcing the issue either will make him even more withdrawn and self-protective or may lead to other behaviors, such as physical aggression. Instead, pay attention to what attracts him, and engage him with activities that help him relax and feel calm.

• Build in security. Tightly wrapping him in blankets and familiar objects can be useful to your highly sensitive child. They may feel like a shield when everything else seems to be bombarding him. Some children are calmed by vibration, and retailers offer both handheld or battery-operated devices that fasten to cribs.

• Make a “nest.” Create a safe haven for your highly sensitive child that he can retreat to, such as a small tent or an appliance box, with a small crawl-through entrance. Decorate the inside with stuffed animals and soft textures to give him a place to retreat, play quietly, and regather himself if he’s feeling stressed by other children, pets, or noise. When possible, err on the side of a quieter home environment, where he can concentrate on listening to you and not be overtaxed by too many auditory stimuli at once, such as a constantly blaring television.

• Explore touching options. Some skin-sensitive toddlers prefer deep, massagelike touches to light, feathery ones. Others like being gently brushed from head to toe with a soft-bristled brush. Gently offering chances to play with clay, sand, and water may help your toddler become more accustomed to having gooey or messy hands, an experience likely to come up frequently later in playgroups and classrooms.

• Be creative with food. If your toddler is a picky eater, or put off by food textures, consider pureeing foods or invite him to use his hands for eating food pieces so that he can get tactile input before placing food in his mouth. Use a soft, coated spoon so that he doesn’t associate eating with mouth and gum discomfort. Consider letting him have a small, pure-fruit pop before meals to see if numbing his highly sensitive taste buds makes foods more palatable.

• Try soothers. Visual soothers, such as a lava lamp, a fish tank, or a nightlight that projects images on the ceiling, could be ways to help your toddler relax and feel more secure when it’s time for sleep. Auditory soothers may help him to relax, too, such as gentle “New Age” sounds, orchestral music, white noise, or ocean sounds from a sleep machine.

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For more information on sensory processing disorders, try Lucy Jane Miller’s Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorders and Raising a Sensory Smart Child by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske.

A slow-to-warm-up or “behaviorally inhibited” child is uncharacteristically quiet and shy, and may seem clingy most or all of the time.¹ He may often wear a worried, serious, sad, or pouty expression on his face. When he feels pushed into meeting any new people or when he’s confronted with any unfamiliar situation, he’s likely to recoil even more than seems typical, and he may become desperately clingy, needing to stay close to you.

You’ll soon discover that it doesn’t help to try to force him to be warm, friendly, or sociable. While a more typical toddler will accept being left at child care after a few protests, a cautious child is more apt to stay upset longer, even if the person he is being left with is a familiar and gentle caregiver, a neighbor, or a relative. Since he reacts consistently even with familiar people, you can tell it’s not the garden variety of stranger anxiety. (For more on stranger anxiety, see Fears, Obsessions, and Anger).

Rather than loudly acting out, as a highly active toddler might when he’s uncomfortable or stressed, a cautious child is more likely to suffer in silence, becoming even more fearful and withdrawn. On the outside, he may not appear to be reacting to stress, but research shows that some cautious children’s heart rates are elevated and their blood pressure goes up when they’re feeling anxious or their ability to cope is overtaxed.²

Your cautious child may initially thrive better in a calmer, in-home child-care setting with fewer kids to interact with, or in a center that has teachers with the special training needed to understand and relate to young ones with difficulty transitioning and/or feeling secure.

Here are some practical ideas for helping your shy, cautious, or slow-to-warm-up toddler:

• Build in warm-up time. Give your child some time to adapt to new situations before you pull away. As you leave, explain that you will be coming back, but don’t belabor your departure.

• Try not to hover. It’s tempting to try to shield your child from the distress of unfamiliar situations, but it works better to give him more space and allow him to come to you, rather than always leaping to his side to protect him. When responding, start with the most low-key reaction you have in your repertoire to see if that satisfies his need for reassurance.

• Teach social skills slowly. Step by step, try teaching your child simple social skills one at a time while rewarding each time he gets closer to the mark. Coach him about reaching out to others at his current comfort level. For example, rather than forcing your child to say “hello” and “goodbye,” encourage him to wave instead. (He might wave but keep his head averted, avoiding eye contact.) After he waves, praise him for being polite, and make mental notes for how you can add to that for next time.

• Offer experiences. To help him with social confidence, consider low-key one-on-one experiences, such as with an older (or, in some cases, a younger) child or with another non-aggressive toddler. If he’s playing alongside other children, stay near so he can use you as his home base until he is ready to join in. Or simply accept that, for now, he’s happiest with his own solitary play style.

• Watch for subtle signs of stress. An exceedingly shy child with excessive fears may, in fact, feel anger or other strong emotions keenly but suffer them silently because of the trouble he has letting them out. Try to be aware of the subtle signals that show you he may be stressed. Offer physical reassurance with hugs and verbal feedback (“Does this feel scary to you?”) and reassurance (“I’m here, and you’re safe”).

While strong independence, clearly formed opinions, and determination are extolled as good qualities in adults and often considered virtuous in leaders, toddlers who are strongly independent, intense, and inflexible can be very challenging for their parents. “Strong-willed” is one descriptor sometimes given a child with this nature. He may be perceived by others as stubborn, spoiled, or ill-tempered when his reactions are negative or moody, as they often are.

Lots of toddlers show these characteristics between their second and third birthdays! So how do you know the difference between garden-variety stubbornness and a highly intense toddler? It has to do with the frequency and intensity of your toddler’s behavior. Most toddlers can rebalance rather quickly and go on about their play and exploration after an upset or a change, but some toddlers appear to go from one upset to another. Having tantrums every few days is one thing, but having five or more daily is another.

While a less-intense toddler will eventually come to accept time-outs and will ultimately comply with rules so long as you’re rigidly consistent, you may find that a toddler with this temperament aggressively fights against any correction from others. If he perceives something as someone else’s idea or he feels that he’s being forced into something, he’s likely to dig in his heels and turn balky or defiant.³

Eating and sleeping patterns tend to be especially quirky and downright irregular. Whether it’s getting ready for child care in the morning, or having to come indoors after playing outside, transitions are a huge challenge for this toddler.

Behavior and emotions are beyond unpredictable, and he can sometimes react in a physically aggressive manner. He may be vehemently unwilling to wear certain clothes or might react to touching as if he’s been hurt, or he might adamantly insist on only a narrow range of foods that he’s willing to eat, gagging on other foods with certain qualities or textures, such as “wet” green beans or “gooey” cereals.

In time, parents of an intense child often realize that all the explaining, reasoning, reassuring, nurturing, redirecting, ignoring, rewarding, and punishing are not only exhausting, but they simply don’t work.

New situations can cause a child with this temperament to become anxious. Anger storms arrive quickly—sometimes they seem downright spontaneous and unprovoked—and emotions escalate rapidly to a very intense level. Temper tantrums tend to be frequent, repeated, and lengthy (15 to 30 minutes or longer), and may include screaming and thrashing. They also may continue into his school years, beyond the age when his peers seem to have outgrown them. When the tantrums happen in public, onlookers may be quick to judge you as either too wimpy and “not setting boundaries” or at fault for having reared a “spoiled” child. (For more, see temper tantrums).

Here are some practical parenting suggestions for dealing with a highly intense, inflexible child:

• Stay cool. If you respond in an inflexible, angry manner, then you increase the likelihood of a meltdown, and you may be fueling an adversarial relationship. If the meltdown has already occurred, that’s an even more compelling reason for you to be calm.

• Troubleshoot. Identify what is most likely to set your child off—those situations that routinely lead to explosions—and what triggers them. Keep an eye open to warning signals for an approaching storm, and take action immediately when you spot them. (Keeping a journal may help.)

• Don’t punish for noise. Don’t punish your intense child for being loud when he is upset or unhappy, just as you wouldn’t punish him for screaming with glee when he is happy. It’s his nature, and at this age, he can’t help it.

• Avoid the blame game. Resist taking your child’s behavior personally. Recognize how hard you are trying, and regardless of what others say, don’t accept the explanation that you’re a poor parent or poorly motivated or that your child is spoiled.

• Hold steady at the helm. Try to keep daily routines predictable. Keep a little booklet of drawings that depict each element of your daily schedule in the order in which they happen. Keep the drawings in a small photo album so that you and your toddler can flip the pages. Refer to the drawings throughout the day and before transitioning to each task.

If you have a child who frequently moves in and out of stress and experiences almost daily meltdowns, you may want to explore alternative destressing modalities from practitioners experienced in working with babies and children. Keep your mind open to the restorative techniques used in aromatherapy, massage therapy, chiropractic care, and acupuncture. Administered by trained professionals, these therapies are known to benefit toddlers and even babies.

Since a toddler shares half of his genes with you and half from his other parent, the question is: What specific personality traits has he inherited from each of you? One way scientists approach this is by studying how twins are alike or different from each other.

Fraternal twins, or dizygotic (DZ) twins, share only 50 percent of their genes, which is the same percentage of genes shared by siblings who aren’t twins. Identical, or monozygotic (MZ) twins, share 100 percent of their genes. If genes affect children’s personalities, then identical twins could be expected to act more like each other than fraternal twins or their other brothers and sisters do. On the other hand, if children’s environments exert the most influence on children’s personalities, then DZ twins who have been reared together will turn out to be more alike than twins who have been reared separately from each other.

Researchers have discovered that genes are very influential in determining children’s personalities, temperaments, and the way they act, but each individual’s unique life experiences have profound effects, too. Even when identical twins are reared in the same environment, they don’t become clones of each other.

In scientific circles, the old idea that somehow parents are solely responsible for how their children behave or eventually turn out later—either from the passage of genes or the environment in which they’re raised—simply doesn’t hold much water.⁴

Inheritance and environment both seem to play a part in children’s behaviors.⁵ For instance, scientists have discovered that the tendency toward shyness that first appears in babies and young children is a trait that tends to remain constant throughout life. Do shy parents pass down genes that determine shyness, or is a shy child that way because his shy mother or father taught him by example?

Studies of shy children have yielded some interesting findings. Parents were rated on their sociability and other scales designed to identify shyness, such as introversion (being inward focused) versus extroversion (being outward focused). One study suggested that when biological mothers were rated high in shyness, their adopted babies (who didn’t live with them) were also shy, adding weight to the possibility that the genetic personality link for shyness could overshadow family influences.⁶

In another study, twins who were adopted into separate families were studied along with twins who remained with their biological parents. The results showed that shy parents raising their own twins together were more likely to have shy twins, too. Similarly, shy parents who adopted twins were more likely to produce shy children as well. These findings appear to underscore that personality traits such as shyness are the combined result of inheritance and home environment.

Between 20 percent and 60 percent of temperamental traits in toddlers and children are influenced by family genes, according to the current scientific thinking. Identical (MZ) twins tend to be more alike temperamentally than fraternal (DZ) twins or other siblings in a wide variety of ways, including how emotional they are, how active they are, their “stick-to-itiveness” (ability to pay attention and persist with tasks), how adaptable they are, and how positive or negative their moods tend to be.⁷

As shown by the shyness studies, your relationship with your toddler will be affected not only by his personality traits and the way he reacts to things, but also by your, your partner’s, and your child’s siblings’ temperaments, too. The mix of all of the personality qualities in your family will affect how you interact with one another and contributes to your child’s overall environment.

Child development experts talk about the “goodness of fit” between a parent and child, that is, how well a parent’s personality meshes with the child’s. Sometimes the personality fit between parent and child is smooth and well balanced, but sometimes differing personalities result in friction and make getting along together more difficult. (No surprise there. All toddlers—and their parents—can be easy-going or difficult at times!)

Whether the members of your family are shy or outgoing, rigid or flexible, emotional or logical, these dimensions exert an effect on your family’s overall balance and well-being.

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There’s no “one-size-fits-all” way to parent a toddler.

A mellow mom or dad and a mellow toddler can move together smoothly without a lot of ruffled feathers. But if your temperament is intense and your toddler’s is, too, or if your parenting philosophy seems to clash with your child’s personality, there may be sparks flying in your household! It’s par for the course when you’re parenting a toddler.

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This important time of learning and adapting benefits everyone.