Great Expectations: The Toddler Years

There’s a sweet and adorable side to toddlers, and then there’s the beastie side. Oh, we know intellectually that toddlers can’t help that their brains aren’t mature yet, that they’re emotional, boundary-setting, puzzling little people, yet somehow that knowledge doesn’t help us or them when behavior is an issue.

What do we mean by behavior being “an issue”? If you’re the parent of a toddler, it means when you come out of the bathroom to find your child hugging a bottle of laundry bleach—even though the laundry cabinet was supposed to be “toddlerproofed.” It means when she is red-faced and screaming, “I don’t want you!” in a crowded store.

If you’re like most parents of toddlers, you’re probably eager like to find something—anything—to help deal with your toddler’s misdeeds. And, unfortunately, toddlers don’t come with owner’s manuals. But we can help.

For your toddler, life is a just series of experiments: What happens when I pull Kitty’s tail? Poke this? Eat that? Climb the bookshelves in the living room? If only she could picture that the bookshelves could fall on her head and hurt her! If she could, then just maybe she would stop climbing them like you’ve told her for the third time in a row. But her drive to conquer is so strong that it’s overriding the sound of your voice.

This chapter is designed to help you in getting around typical toddler antics in ways that are helpful, rather than harmful. It will show you how to build a communication style that’s easy for your toddler to grasp so she’ll be more cooperative.

Is your toddler able to stop what she’s doing to listen to you? Can she understand what you’re trying to tell her to do? Is she able to follow your simple directions? Can she remember any family rules for more than a few minutes at a time?

If your answer is no to any of these questions, you may be carrying higher expectations for your toddler than she is able to deliver. Her mind is only able to make the simplest of connections. “If Daddy laughed at my cat trick, maybe pulling the dog’s tail will be funny too!” “If Mommy spanked me, then I can spank other people, too.” Nor can she reason to herself: “If I do this, Mommy might get mad and put me in time out!”

Your younger toddler won’t “get” that it’s wrong to poke others with sticks because it hurts, or not to bite somebody when her space is invaded. Instead, her complete focus is all about getting what she wants and needs right now. But you can guide her and work on empathy building.

Civilization is built on self-discipline and respect for others. You may never be able to get a 12-month-old to say please or chew with her mouth closed, but it’s never too early to teach your child that some things are dangerous, and that it’s not okay to hurt people, animals, or property.

The path to civilization can seem long and frustrating, but take heart. During your child’s toddler years, you can establish some basic ground rules that will help your child toward keeping herself safe, being considerate of others, and maybe even using words instead of pointing and screeching to get what she wants.

This chapter tackles the many common behavioral issues that parents of 12- to 18-month-olds face, and evidence-based tips on managing them.

First, here’s a quick overview of what most toddlers can and can’t do by age:

Being aggressive is a part of normal toddler development, especially between the ages of 18 months and 36 months. The roots of aggression can be traced back to babyhood. A 4-month-old will scratch, a 6-month-old will pull hair, and a 12-month-old will bite others on purpose. Around 15 to 18 months, acts of outright aggression become more commonplace, such as kicking, hair pulling, and striking others with a hand or an object.

One of parents’ biggest challenges is how to deal with a child who is physically aggressive, especially if she strikes or bites other children. Even though the aggression may simply be a phase your toddler is passing through, it affects others, and it also can evoke a strong response from other parents if their child is bitten by yours in a playgroup or at day care. In fact, biting is one of the main reasons toddlers are “expelled” from day care or preschools.

Biting and being bitten are much more common in the toddler world than most parents realize. One study found that half of children in day care are bitten at one time or another, and the average is three bites per year. Biting is worse in groups of children who are stressed, overcrowded, or just learning how to manage social relations with their peers.

When it comes to trying to figure out why toddlers use their mouths and end up inflicting discomfort on somebody else, it helps to take a look at other primates, our nearest kin, among whom biting is a very common form of self-protection and warning.

Toddlers, who are still operating out of their lower brain processes, simply don’t have the sophisticated wiring as yet to rein in their feelings of anger or frustration. And, like chimps, they are also very territorial about possessions.

Almost all kids try out their teeth on somebody else at some point. Being little and relatively weak, they’re not coordinated enough to hit or kick very effectively (unless they’re picked up off of their feet), but they do have sharp teeth, and biting is one thing they can do easily and well.

And it is very effective! It fends off unwanted intruders by delivering a strong message, protects a treasured object, and stirs up a lot of excitement and attention. Sometimes it’s a way to vent pent-up anger or frustration, or just to experiment to see what makes sparks fly.

While most bites can be easily handled with some warm water and soap and an antigerm ointment if the skin is broken, the emotional issues that biting can arouse aren’t as easily treated.

If your child is clearly upset and acting extremely aggressively, you may need to use a stronger physical tactic to intervene. The maneuver will also clearly demonstrate to other parents that you won’t tolerate aggression.

Here’s how to perform the L&T:

• Do a quick lift. While your toddler is facing you, raise her into the air by holding onto her chest under her arms. While still maintaining complete self-control, put on your meanest frowny face while calmly announcing once: “No hitting” (or “No biting” or “No kicking”).

• Turn her away from you. This demonstrates clearly to your toddler that you can and will physically control her if her actions merit it. Either turn her so her back is to you as you’re lowering her from this raised position, or, if that’s too much weight to manage, silently march her from behind by her shoulder to the corner of the room or face her into an empty wall.

• hold her forward-facing. Without speaking, hold her, back still toward you, for 20 seconds for a child younger than 2 years, and no longer than 1 to 2 minutes for an older toddler.

• Turn her to face you. Repeat the words “No hitting” (or “no biting” or “no kicking”), but this time use a kind and loving facial expression and voice when you say the words.

• Let go. Lower her or move away from her without saying more about the behavior or indicating in any way with your facial expressions or body language that you’re still upset, disappointed, or angry.

• No warning. If you want the L&T maneuver to work, never verbally warn your toddler that you are going to use it as a way of getting her to stop doing something. And never just do a partial version of the maneuver because your hands are full or you’re not in a good setting to do the whole maneuver.

Although toddlers will typically take it in stride and quickly forget about it, having your child bitten by another child can be upsetting and enraging. Not only do you get angry at the child who hurt yours, but you also feel betrayed by caregivers who failed to protect your child. And some parents bear grudges against both the parent and a biting child, or, might even try to get a child kicked out of a playgroup or child-care setting, especially if the same child bites more than once.

Biting behavior may persist longer among toddlers who are lagging behind in development, such as those who have trouble speaking or have poor visual, perceptual, or motor skills.

If your child is doing the biting, there are a couple of things you need to take a look at: Are aggressive behaviors going on at home? Your toddler may be getting mixed messages that hitting and other forms of aggressive behavior are okay if aggressive acts are being used for punishment at home or modeled as a form of play.

Whether it’s spanking, pinching, kicking, slapping, tickling, wrestling, nibbling, or mock boxing, your toddler may decide that being aggressive is normal and therefore acceptable behavior. It may be time to address this issue with other family members.

Now let’s address some of those classic toddler situations that make any parent want to slither down a drainpipe. That’s right, we’re talking about breath holding, head banging, and tantrum.

Between 6 months and 18 months of age, some children begin to have breath-holding spells, which usually peak between 24 months and 36 months. Witnessing one, especially the first time, can be scary for a parent!

There are two types of breath holding: blue (cyanotic) and white (pallid). Three-quarters of breath holding is the blue kind, and it seems to be brought on by a change in breathing patterns. Your child may screech a couple of times as if she’s going into a tantrum only to stop in the middle of a cry, fall silent, turn blue, and pass out. Her breathing will switch over to autorun and will keep on going. She’ll return to consciousness within about 20 seconds with a sudden intake of air.

During a white attack, your toddler will go limp and pale and fall to the ground as if she’s fainted. It happens soundlessly without a screech, signs of rage, or breath holding. Usually the fainting is a strong response to fear or injury, not unlike adults fainting at seeing blood, getting shots, or having minor surgeries. In this type of episode, your child’s heartbeat patterns may briefly change.

You panic and wonder whether you should splash your child’s face with cold water, start mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, or dial 9-1-1.

Actually, breath-holding spells aren’t all that rare for toddlers, and they’re not harmful unless your toddler strikes something as she falls during an episode. Spells occur in approximately one out of twenty otherwise healthy children, and usually begin in the first year of life and peak at age 2. They usually disappear by age 4 in 50 percent of children and by age 8 in about 83 percent of children. Typically, breath holding is set off by some kind of emotional trigger, such as anger, agitation, pain, or frustration.

It’s important to bring up your toddler’s breath-holding spells with your health-care provider and ask for a thorough physical exam for her, if for no other reason than to reassure yourself that she is completely healthy.

In some cases, a sudden spike in a fever may be the reason for the seizure. Passing out may indicate that your child has anemia, or much more rarely, a seizure disorder or heart rhythm problems. A very small number of toddlers have a genetic disorder called familial dysautonomia, but if that were the problem, your child would already have shown other signs of being seriously ill.

The main thing to do during one of these episodes is to keep your toddler safe, especially if she faints.

As a baby, your toddler likely thrived on the rhythmical motion of rocking. The back-and-forth motion had a soothing, lulling effect, perhaps because it mimics the vigorous motions they experienced during pregnancy when you went on walks.

Lots of toddlers still crave the sensation they get from repetitive motion. Between 5 percent and 15 percent of young children bang or rub their heads or rock themselves back and forth. Usually these behaviors set in before 2 years of age, and more than two-thirds of head bangers are boys.

Fortunately, these self-stimulating behaviors are considered “self-limiting,” meaning that although there may be mild bruising from the same place being hit over and over, toddlers seldom hurt themselves doing it.

Why does your child do it? It’s a way to comfort himself by stimulating the part of the inner ear called the vestibular system. If your toddler is a deliberate head banger, especially at bedtime, she may be using the motion and physical sensation to comfort herself or let off steam.

In most cases, toddlers who bang their heads or do other repetitive, self-stimulating activities are perfectly normal and don’t have developmental problems. If your toddler seems otherwise healthy and happy, then it’s likely to be a passing phase.

If the head banging has a sudden onset or seems to be getting more intense, have your toddler examined by her pediatrician. Some studies have linked head banging in some children with ear infections or teething pain, and the doctor may recommend medication or a mild painkiller to see if that helps. If your child habitually self-stimulates and also seems withdrawn or lacking in social relatedness, she could be showing early signs of developmental problems or autism, and your health-care provider can help rule out these causes, or suggest ways to get your child formally assessed.

If you’re open to alternative treatments, a massage therapist or chiropractor experienced in treating children may also be able to pinpoint contracted muscles or jaw or spine misalignment, which could be the underlying cause for the head banging.

If the head banging is purely behavioral, address it as you would any other behavioral issue (you’ll find tips a little bit later in the chapter). But if it’s a mask for some other medical issue, (1) consider giving your toddler lots of vigorous physical exercise so she is tired at bedtime and has less energy to invest in head banging. (2) Invest some time in the rhythmic stimulation that seems to make her feel better, such as swinging back and forth, to supplement your child’s strong drive for vestibular stimulation. A child-sized rocker or a small round trampoline that’s near to the floor may do the trick as well. (3) Make head banging harder to achieve by padding your toddler’s bed or crib.

Temper tantrums, that dreaded crying, screaming, and flailing on the floor, are frequent events for toddlers, and they happen equally among boys and girls. Typically, these sudden meltdowns appear at around 18 months and gradually phase out as children near the 3-year mark. This happens to be the same time that their expressive skills improve.

Tantrums aren’t necessarily misbehavior, but a healthy release of stress and frustration that toddlers feel during the stage before they master self-control and language skills. They are part of the stage of learning self-expression and trying to figure out alternative ways to let off steam.

Some researchers believe that tantrums could help to lower toddlers’ blood pressure, and to excrete stress-related chemicals from the body through tears to restore the body’s chemical balance. (Who knew?)

Sometimes parents inadvertently reinforce temper tantrums by rewarding their tantruming tots with lots of attention or by giving in to a child’s demands.

Some children’s tantrums worsen when they start giving up their naps. Others act out more when they are stressed, whether from changes in child care, the eruption of family crises, or the arrival of a new sibling—all of which may stress a toddler and encourage him to think his parents are withdrawing their attention and affection.

Oncoming illness or other physical problems, such as poor nutrition, lack of sufficient sleep, and allergies or anemia, can also cause a child to tantrum. Finally, some toddlers simply don’t manage stress very well and are more vulnerable to emotional meltdowns than others. Some children may be very mild protestors and seldom have meltdowns while others may pull out all the stops, more than once a day.

Like other forms of toddler behavior, tantrums have predictable cycles if you look closely.

Your child may start out normal and balanced. Life is relatively calm, your child is reasonably cooperative, and you both can go about your usual business. But then the rising tension becomes obvious, and indicates that a meltdown could be coming. Some children erupt in a nanosecond, while others build up more slowly. A full-blown tantrum ensues. Your child cries or screams, is loud and dramatic, and may flail or fall onto the floor. Trying to intervene, soothe, or threaten punishment only intensifies and prolongs the tantrum.

Finally, there is a recovery phase. The storm has passed and now your child may be whimpering, breathing irregularly, or hiccupping, and she may have swollen, red eyes and may not want to talk.

Most parents of toddlers agree that having some very basic rules in place are helpful in preventing chaos and making life easier on everyone. Rather than being a negative experience for your toddler, setting rules and limits can help her to feel secure, noticed, and protected. Consistently enforced, rules can give your toddler predictable boundaries and send her clear signals about what is permissible and what is unacceptable, even if she forgets them at times or repeats the same errors over and over. When your child can predict how you’re going to respond to a certain behavior, she eventually can self-assess behavior and decide whether she wants to act on an idea. Bingo—you’ve accomplished a primary goal of parenting.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s take a closer look at rules and boundaries. For our purposes, there are two kinds.

It helps to have different levels of rules. The Absolutes are the hard-and-fast rules that you plan to strongly enforce each and every time your child breaks them, even if she protests or cries. One of the reasons may be because there are serious safety issues involved.

These rules are more flexible, and you and the family can decide when to apply them. Sometimes whether to let certain behaviors slide is a judgment call, though be aware the more inconsistent you are about a rule, the more likely your toddler will test it. The acronym NTI can help you come up with a solution. Is this Negotiable? Is this a Teachable moment? Or is it Ignorable?

Your toddler balks at eating anything but certain cereals or pizza. You want her to have a balanced diet. Is this Negotiable, Teachable, or Ignorable? Chances are, you’ll choose the third option. And chances are, your pediatrician will agree with you. Your toddler won’t starve. As long as she’s not losing weight, there is probably no cause for concern.

There is a lot of advice out there on how to effectively parent. There are vibrant debates on all manner of parenting subjects. Is it discipline, punishment, correction, behavior modification, or some other euphemism? The bottom line is: You want your toddler to continue to grow and become a productive participant in society. Let’s look at a couple common schools of thought before we give you our opinion on effective correction.

Spanking and other forms of physical punishment are hotly debated subjects among parents, child development experts, and even casual observers. Everyone has an opinion, and perhaps you already do, too.

Spanking advocates believe that an occasional spanking isn’t likely to inflict any permanent damage on a toddler’s psyche, and they feel that the sting of a quick swat to the bottom often works when words don’t seem to.² Parents who were themselves spanked (not to be confused with beaten) in childhood sometimes gravitate toward using it with their children, because they feel they were actually kept in line with an occasional spanking.

Those opposed to spanking argue that corporal punishment may make children resentful or distressed, that it fails to model correct behavior, and that it teaches a child that physical aggression is an acceptable double standard that benefits grown-ups.

Current child development research is inconclusive. There are so many interpretations of what spanking is—whether it’s done with a flat palm on a diapered bottom, striking a child on the wrist or other places on his body, or hitting her in the face. (For what it’s worth, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines a spank as a strike on the buttocks with an open hand.)

Studies tend to be vague, failing to determine how mild or harsh children’s spankings were or the emotional context in which the spanking occurred. How often was a child spanked—several times a day, a couple of times a week, or rarely? And finally, the studies overlook the differing temperaments of children, which could affect children’s reactions to spanking. For instance, an aggressive, highly active child is likely to respond to physical punishment differently than a sensitive and easily controlled one.³

If you’re still weighing the odds, consider some of the arguments below and decide whether spanking is something you would consider in correcting your child’s behavior.

The time-out, also called the “time in” or “the naughty seat,” is a popular discipline strategy was once reserved for use by British nannies. But now it’s being applied to toddlers by parents, sometimes with mixed results. The definition of time-out is giving a child time away from reinforcement and attention. It basically imposes losses of freedom and interesting things to do, and it’s usually accompanied by a strong message of disapproval for unwanted behavior.

• Warning with statement of rule. You issue a brief warning to stop what he’s doing (unless your toddler is doing something hurtful and aggressive, then there’s no warning). When a showdown is unavoidable, you express yourself clearly and firmly in as few words as possible what he’s doing that needs to stop.

• Go to time-out place. Using the same, uninteresting place each time for time-outs, you physically escort your child there and sit her down: “Now you are going into time-out.” The location could be a small cushion or chair in the corner of a room or a mat on the floor, always near where you are (but never behind a closed door or in her room). If she refuses, continue to physically guide her into the time-out place until she complies. Be firm.

• Time the time-out. Using an oven timer or other device, the time-out lasts about a minute per year of your child’s age (so, 3 minutes for a 3-year-old), or sooner if your child calms down and apologizes.

• Accept an apology. Once the bell has rung and the time-out has ended, you then ask your child to apologize for what she’s done, verbally guiding her if necessary: Say I’m sorry. Ask her why she’s sorry, and help her verbalize what she did that broke the rules.

• Make amends. Offer her a hug, show affection, and give positive reinforcement for the first neutral or positive thing she does after that.

You may want to consider some of the arguments below and decide whether you want to routinely use time-out with your toddler.

It’s clear from research that an atmosphere of warmth, caring, and positive parental support builds the strongest and most resilient children. Sometimes parents can get caught in being too negative or too critical of their children, pointing out their mistakes and relentlessly trying to correct their behaviors through punishment or scolding.

It’s also possible to err in the opposite direction by piling heaps of praise on children. It’s true that lots of praise can help a toddler feel noticed and appreciated, and that might put her in a more cooperative frame of mind. But too much praise can sometimes have an opposite effect and interfere with a child’s internal compass that tells her what’s “good” and what’s “bad.” Exaggerated praise not only isn’t genuine, it’s also not realistic, which could widen the distance between your toddler’s reality and your own.

Dr. Thomas Gordon, pioneering parenting expert and author of P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training, believed that children who are continuously showered with rewards by their parents—through praise, awards, candy, ice cream, and other treats—become overly dependent upon parental feedback and rewards. In the real world, they become anxious and concerned about looking good and never making mistakes. Rather than being able to become deeply absorbed in what they are doing, they constantly look up to check that they have someone else’s approval, stifling their own ability to savor their own accomplishments.

Realistically, your toddler will get more of a grasp on “politenesses” (that is, saying please and thank you) around the time she starts going to preschool. Even then, all training is apt to fly out the window if she feels rushed or overcome with other, more urgent demands for her attention. Effectively communicating in society is a process, not an event.

Even the most outgoing and confident toddlers often clam up in unfamiliar social encounters. Meeting new people and making eye contact with grown-ups could be off-putting or downright distressing. Perhaps the best tip for teaching manners is to relax, be sociable yourself, and let your toddler learn from your behavior rather than expecting much from her right now. We’re pretty sure there are no Emily Post awards for toddlers.

However, shopping with a toddler can be a challenging, unavoidable, and exhausting task. Your tot wants something in every other aisle, from crackers to board books, candies to pet toys. Over time, it’s enough to make you dread the trip.

Here are some basic tips to encourage polite conversation and make shopping with your toddler more bearable:

• Plan ahead. Create your grocery list ahead of time and organize it by aisles so you can quickly roll your cart through the store, rather than roaming back and forth because you’ve forgotten an item.

• Time it carefully. If there’s no way you’re able to shop on your own, time your trip for when the store is most likely to be empty: early in the week, at opening time, or late in the day when most people are eating dinner. Time the trip, too, for when your toddler is likely to be rested.

• Feed before you leave. Make sure he’s not hungry when you leave for the store and take along a cup of water, snacks, or a necklace of Cheerios on an elastic string to gnaw on.

• Set up rules. Prepare your toddler for shopping with you by laying out a couple basic rules. Examples: You have to ride in the cart, or Only one treat, or something similar that makes sense to you.

• Invite her to help. While she’s safely strapped in the cart, give your toddler specific tasks that you know she can handle. Let her hold objects or put them down into the cart for you. Invite her to choose between two apples, two bananas, or to make other simple selections.

• Make the cart interesting. A fabric cart protector available online or one with toys sewn on may make the ride more interesting and pleasant. Fasten stroller toys on a chain so she has something to occupy herself that she can’t throw overboard.

• Consider a backpack. If your child is hard to manage while sitting in a grocery cart, consider using a framed child carrier. It’ll take up a lot of room in the shopping cart, but it’ll keep her restrained and allow her a birds-eye view of everything that’s going on.

• Use shopping for teaching. The supermarket is a great place to model polite behavior. Liberally use please and thank you to demonstrate how to handle the give-and-take of objects and favors.

• Sort groceries at the checkout counter. To make your arrival home easier, group cold items together, and canned goods and boxed items in separate bags. When you arrive home, put away the frozen and refrigerated items and postpone the rest until later if your child needs attention or it’s time to start a meal.

• Praise for success. On the way home, talk with your child about all of the positive things she did to help you with shopping. So long as you don’t overdo the praise, it can be a positive motivator. (See Praise and its Pitfalls for caveats about praise.)

When it comes to communicating effectively with your toddler, it helps to understand that her world is much different than yours. Wonderfully, as she ages her communication skills and willingness to cooperate will improve. Rather than inundating your toddler with too many changes all at once, choose just one skill to work on at a time. Expect a learning curve, a “one-step-forward, two-steps-backward” progression for learning new skills. And in meantime, here are some practical ideas for managing your little “young and restless” star.

• Move in close. Get close, touch her on shoulder, and ask her to look at you before saying something important.

• Speak her name. No other word has quite the pulling strength of her own name for getting his attention. No need to yell: A low, calm voice should do.

• Keep it short and simple. Use a few clear words for making your point. Model what you want. Invite her to try.

• Make it fun. When delivering a lesson, convey enthusiasm as if you are presenting an exciting new game. If she appears uninterested and distracted, or doesn’t respond, try again later.

• Time it right. The best time to try new things is when she’s most likely to be cooperative, alert, and playful (such as after breakfast in the morning). Cut slack during the hours you know she’s most likely to be tired, irritable, or hungry.

• Make directions positive. Rather than always telling her Not to do things, express the behaviors you’re hoping for as simple, positive commands accompanied by hand gestures: “Walk slowly,” “Sit here.”

• Ask questions. Jump-start your toddler’s thinking processes with questions: “Where is your ball?” “Can you close the door?”

• Don’t hover. Rather than laying out a series of commands for her to follow and constantly showering her with praise or corrections that tend to interrupt her when she is trying to concentrate, simply relax and observe what she’s doing. Then describe what you’re seeing in concrete terms: “I am going to pick up the ball and put it in the basket. What will you pick up?” “You’re helping Mommy put the toys away, aren’t you?”

• Offer help with transitions. Prepare her for transitions with a gentle warning: “Five more minutes to play, then we’ll have lunch.” Or offer her two simple options that make her feel she’s got some decision power: “Do you want to go inside now, or in five minutes?”

Whatever happened to your charming and very amenable offspring who is now digging in her heels and deliberately defying you? What could have possibly gone wrong?

Actually, nothing! Your toddler is just trying out her wings as an independent, separate person. One of the greatest rewards of being an individual, it seems, is the power to say no. And your toddler will practice using this word on you…perhaps even as often as you use the word on her!

But take heart. Here are a dozen parent-tested, practical strategies to help you convert her no to a nod:

• Encourage cooperation. Give your toddler the most attention when she’s being cooperative. Give the least attention when she’s being difficult.

• Use no less often. Consciously cut back on the number of times you use the word no, and save it for serious warnings. You might consider delivering the no with a clap, both to get your toddler’s attention and to make you consider the seriousness of the situation. (Or substitute “stop!” or “danger!” with the police officer’s palm-up hand sign for “stop.”)

• Make life predictable. Meeting her eating and sleeping needs at the same time every day can help stave off meltdowns triggered by hunger and fatigue.

• Accept limit testing. Try not to take your toddler’s behavior as a personal affront. Her brain is hardwired for standing her ground and repeating the same experiments over and over. Stay calm, and simply help her move on.

• Be gentle but firm. Avoid asking questions that generate yes/no answers, such as “Do you want to go inside for lunch?” If she’s having fun playing, you can guess what your toddler’s response is likely to be. Instead, give several advance notices of an upcoming change, then just do it.

• Use non-verbal correction if effective. Your toddler is primed to pay attention to your gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Instead of making a big deal of minor misdeeds, try facial expressions, shaking your head, or other non-verbal messages of disapproval if your toddler seems to respond to them.

• Redirect. Diversion is a parent’s number one toddler-shaping tool! Use her short attention span to your best advantage: Present a more enticing option than what she’s into at the moment with a flourish of great excitement.

• Use the simplest commands. Don’t flood your toddler with lots of verbiage. Use the fewest and simplest words possible for explaining what you are doing or what you want her to do. Examples: “Inside now!” “Walk slowly.”

• Limit options. Two is the maximum number of choices your little one can handle at a time. Instead of asking, “What do you want for lunch today?” try asking, “Cheese sandwich or peanut butter sandwich?”

• Minimize rules. Put only a few simple rules in place that the whole family agrees to, and consistently enforce them. Say, for instance, “It’s never okay to hurt others.”

• Be playful. Make your requests in a conspiratorial whisper, speak in a high, squeaky voice, or pretend you’re a puppet. Sometimes turning a request into a game improves the odds that the request will be honored without issue.

• Keep perspective. Remember, though unpredictable, the toddler years are a very important time in your child’s development. Your toddler is probably going to prove that you have more patience than you thought you had.

Toddlers tend to hear strongly worded commands as something to DO. If you yell, “Stop running around the pool!” What is likely to register with your toddler is: “Run around the pool!” So, rather than telling her what you don’t want her to do, try rephrasing what to DO:

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS:	TRY SAYING THIS (WITH HAND GESTURES):
Don’t run!	Walk slowly. (Fingers “walking” slowly)
Get down!	Put both feet on the floor. (Two fingers touching palm)
Don’t hit!	Pat gently. (One hand patting the back of the other)
Don’t yell!	Speak softly. (Pushing-down motion using one or both hands)
Don’t touch that!	Look here. (Hands clasped)
Listen to me!	Look at my eyes. (Fingers of one hand pointing toward your eyes)
Don’t bite!	Mouths are for eating and kissing. (Point to your puckering mouth)

You can use the powerful forces of your toddler’s age and personality to help create positive change in her life. Here’s a chart of typical toddler behaviors with practical hints for how to turn them into positive behavior changes.

NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR	HOW TO CHANGE IT
Clingy, wants to sleep in your bed, distressed when feeling rejected	Encourage positive touches, “hug breaks,” and lots of positive attention
Into everything, breaks things, plows headlong into unsafe situations	Consistently enforce boundaries with clarity and firmness
Impatient, low tolerance, easily upset when she doesn’t get her way	Remove and redirect with short instructions in calm voice
Impulsive, ignores you, distracted by objects, sights, and sounds	Make eye contact, keep commands short and clear
Highly physical, constantly in motion, unable to settle down, resists car seat and high chair restraints	Daily, vigorous play, preferably outdoors, using brief time-outs (30 seconds to 1 minute) for unwanted behavior
Hypersensitive to others’ body language, upset at unspoken stress or disapproval	Mirror upbeat attitude; deal with family conflicts after her bedtime
Ignores you and threats of discipline	Consistent, simple commands with exaggerated hand signals: “Sit here,” “Get down,” “Pat gently”
Throws tantrums, is frequently enraged	Safe distractions: “Would you like to hold my keys?” “Let’s go outside!”
Sensitive to change, can’t handle transitions, likely to revert to babylike behavior during changes in routine	Familiar daily routines, comfort objects, and rehearse roleplays for unfamiliar situations
Aggressive or socially inappropriate behaviors	Intervene immediately with restraint, using simple commands
Territorial and possessive	Ask her permission to touch her things and model good behavior
Oppositional, won’t cooperate, bangs head in frustration	Remain calm, ignoring if necessary, then distract
Overreaches physical and mental abilities, tries things that could lead to self-injury	Build up her decision-making power by giving two options: “Do you want this, or that?” and acknowledge attempts at new skills, allowing for controlled risk with close supervision of certain activities

Q: When I try to discipline our 2-year-old, she just laughs at me. Yesterday, she smacked the dog in the head with a book and slapped me in the face. I’ve tried time-outs, but she runs away and starts his hitting all over again. What should I do?

A: Between 24 months and 30 months are the prime time for aggression, and some toddlers are more physical about it than others. They strike out to express their frustration or anger before they have the words yet to express their feelings. If you’re the victim of a toddler’s aggression, it’s hard to hold back from returning the action just to “teach her a lesson.” Don’t. Hitting, biting, or kicking back only teach her that aggression is okay, but only for grown-ups. Instead, take a breath, state the rule that was broken, issue brief and understandable commands, and then follow through consistently. Read the guidelines offered in “Getting to Yes” in this chapter.

Q: My 17-month-old daughter is a little shy and doesn’t like to be “smothered” by our very demonstrative out-of-town relatives. In fact, when they go to kiss her she turns her head and runs away. How can I teach her to be polite while respecting her need for space?

A: Typically, toddlers don’t grasp grown-up standards of conduct or feel bound by them. Your daughter is simply acting normal for her age. You can help her to become more familiar with enthusiastic “hello” greetings. Hug her at the front door when you enter after being gone a while and comment: “It’s so nice to HUG you! I love hugs!” Collect photos of relatives in an album along with their printed names and share your memories about them. Invite her to engage in brief conversations with relatives with the speakerphone on so you can monitor when she needs to hang up. When visitors come, allow your toddler some time to get used to new faces before she warms up. Having a few toys or her favorite books lined up on the coffee table might help encourage adult-to-child interactions with others. If you accept her needs and boundaries, it’s likely your relatives will ease up and respect them, too.

Q: We want our son back! He used to be so easygoing, always smiling and happy. Now at 18 months he’s turned into a little demon! He seems unhappy almost all the time and screams if he doesn’t get his way. Where did we go wrong? Did we spoil him?

A: Believe it or not, your toddler is more frustrated than you are! He is getting a clear idea of who he is, what he likes, and what he doesn’t like, but this awareness isn’t matched by his ability to communicate his wishes with you. For example, your son may know that he wants the real glass, the one that you and Daddy use, his sip cup, and he needs it right now, but you don’t appear to understand what he’s asking for. Trying to explain why drinking from a glass isn’t a good idea doesn’t help him with his strong, unrelenting desire to get his hands on it.

It helps to understand that this is just a passing phase, and that you will get your son back (even better than before)! Meanwhile, make sure that he’s getting plenty of time outdoors to get sunshine and let off steam, feed him protein-rich snacks every few hours to keep his blood sugar level stable, and try to remain calm and consistent without getting overly emotional about it, since at this stage he is learning by your example how to behave.

Q: Our daughter, who is nearly 3, is a great kid. She can be very polite and gentle, but she just doesn’t follow directions very well. The teachers at her child-care center have told us that they have to ask her over and over to get her to do something. Is something wrong, or is this normal behavior for a girl her age?

A: Some children simply need to be reminded a few times before they are willing to leave something they’re engaged in. There’s also a remote possibility that your daughter could have a hearing problem or an auditory processing disorder that makes it hard for her to attend to things being said to her, especially when there is a lot of noise and distractions going on. If this is the case, talk with her teachers about giving her face-to-face directions so they’re sure they have her undivided attention.

Also, share the teachers’ concerns with your health-care provider, who will want to check your daughter’s hearing and may be able to suggest a specialist for assessing whether there is a sensory processing problem. At home, try giving her only easy, one-step directions and then build from there with gentle reminders if she forgets what you’ve said. Keep her teachers informed that you are doing what you can to help find a solution to her inattention.

AGE	ABILITIES AND LIMITATIONS
12 months	Tries to cooperate for getting dressed by holding out her arms or legs. May try to follow simple one-step commands, such as “Bring the ball,” but could forget midway. Mimics the word no or shakes head for no, but continues unwanted behavior anyway. Driven to touch, pick up, and mouth things, even if told no a dozen times in the past minute. Drops objects over and over just to watch them fall.
18 months	Has strong exploratory drive and can’t sit still. Wants to play with adult objects—remote control, keys, cell phones—and resists letting go of them. Tries to climb shelves and furniture. Pulls off clothes and socks. Tries to take things apart. Refuses certain foods. Wanders away from caregivers.
24 months	Can follow two-step directions—“Come here and sit down”—but frequently forgets what she was about to do. More responsive to humor and distraction than to logic and reason. Low frustration threshold, often negative and short-tempered. May show aggression (hitting, pinching, biting, kicking) and little or no impulse control. Has trouble making choices (e.g., wants to be inside and outside at the same time). Wants to give orders.
36 months	Can follow multiple-step directions. Is more compliant and less demanding, yet is assertive. Better able to communicate needs and wishes. Enjoys having familiar routines all the time (e.g., peanut butter for lunch every single day). Occasionally reverts back to being babyish and clinging to Mommy or Daddy.

ARGUMENTS FOR SPANKING	ARGUMENTS AGAINST SPANKING
It’s fast. Usually, even a sound spanking takes only a few seconds of time.	It’s a short-term answer. Toddlers are bound to repeat behaviors, whether they’ve been spanked or not.
It’s easy to understand. A toddler who has limited verbal skills will understand the meaning of a spanking.	It engenders mistrust. When a parent handles a child physically, the child may become frightened and mistrusting rather than respectful.
It’s effective. A spanking will quickly stop your toddler from doing something, at least for the moment.	It doesn’t teach positive behavior. Spanking doesn’t show a child how she is expected to behave. The focus is on punishing instead of guiding by example.
It’s memorable. A child is more likely to remember a spanking incident than things you say to her.	It is easy to overuse. Routine spanking eventually loses its shock value, and sometimes that causes parents to do it longer and stronger, which could be physically and emotionally harmful to a child.
It’s not abuse. A spanking to correct behavior is not the same as child abuse.	It emphasizes unfairness. The rule “I can hit you, but you can’t hit me” could lead to confusion, anger, or aggression in a child.

ARGUMENTS FOR TIME-OUT	ARGUMENTS AGAINST TIME-OUT
It’s a time-out for you, too. A time-out can potentially give you a brief time to collect yourself.	It can require a lot of time. If your toddler is resistant to comply with time-outs, you could end up spending a lot of time correcting and re-correcting behavior.
It tests toddler independence. Testing her will against yours could be considered a practice run for building self-confidence and autonomy.	It tests toddler thinking. Children under 3 have trouble comprehending that someone else could feel differently than they do in a given situation. If your toddler feels a compelling anger toward you, or that she doesn’t love you any longer, she expects that you feel exactly the same, which can be upsetting.
It can be effective. If you have an amenable child who wants your approval, time-outs can be an efficient and effective way to modify your toddler’s behavior.	It can backfire. If you have a highly active child who ignores your admonitions, the time-out can turn into a power struggle, involving hitting, chasing, and frustration. Over time, time-outs become old hat and aren’t as effective.

ARGUMENTS FOR PRAISE	ARGUMENTS AGAINST PRAISE
It’s reassuring. It signals to your child that you are nearby and watching.	It diminishes self-gratification. Over time, an overpraised child may lose touch with her own motives and feelings. She could also increasingly crave compliments and become increasingly anxious about whether she is “right” or not.
It indicates attention. Whether negative or positive, toddlers crave attention, and praise delivers that.	It can interrupt. Praising your child may draw her concentration away from what she is doing, and distract her from resonating on the natural joy she’s feeling about her actions.
It teaches language. Praise reinforces a positive vocabulary: “Way to go!” “High five!” “Good girl!”	It may confuse. Does your toddler feel equally as excited about what she’s doing as you seem to be? If what she’s doing doesn’t feel all that praiseworthy to her, then your praise may feel confusing, or it could simply pass over her head like extra static.