The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

HABIT 3
PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST

Okay, now, I know what you’re going to hear from people is “We don’t have the time.” But if you don’t have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.

—Oprah Winfrey

In this chapter we’re going to take a look at two organizing structures that will help you prioritize your family in today’s turbulent world and turn your mission statement into your family’s constitution.

One of these structures is a weekly “family time.” And as television talk show host Oprah Winfrey told her audience when she talked with me about this book on her show, “If you don’t have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.”

The second structure is one-on-one bonding times with each member of your family. I suggest that these two structures create a powerful way to prioritize your family and keep “first things first” in your life.

When First Things Aren’t First

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you realize that the “first things” in your life—including your family—are getting pushed into second or third place, or even further down the list. And it becomes even worse when you realize what’s happening as a result.

I vividly remember the painful feeling I had one night as I went to bed in a hotel in Chicago. While I had been presenting that day, my fourteen-year-old daughter Colleen had had her final dress rehearsal for a play she was in—West Side Story. She had not been selected to play the lead but was the understudy. And I knew that for most of the performances—possibly all—she would not play the leading role.

But tonight was her night. Tonight she was going to be the star. I had called her to wish her well, but the feeling in my heart was one of deep regret. I really wanted to be there with Colleen. And, although this is not always the case, this time I could have arranged my schedule to be there. But somehow Colleen’s play had gotten lost in the press of work and other demands, and I simply didn’t have it on my calendar. As a result, here I was, alone, some thirteen hundred miles away, while my daughter sang and acted her heart out to an audience that didn’t include her dad.

I learned two things that night. One was that it doesn’t matter whether your child is in the leading role or in the chorus, is starting quarterback or third string. What matters is that you’re there for that child. And I was able to be there for several of the actual performances where Colleen was in the chorus. I affirmed her. I praised her. And I know she was glad I had come.

But the second thing I learned is that if you really want to prioritize your family, you simply have to plan ahead and be strong. It’s not enough to say your family is important. If “family” is really going to be top priority, you have to “hunker down, suck it up, and make it happen!”

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

The other night after the ten o’clock news there was an advertisement on television that I have often seen. It shows a little girl approaching her father’s desk. He’s hassled, has papers scattered all over, and is diligently writing in his planner. She stands by him—unnoticed until she finally says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”

Without even looking up, he replies, “Oh, never mind, honey. I’m just doing some planning and organizing. These pages have the names of all the people I need to visit and talk with and all the important things I have to do.”

The little girl hesitates and then asks: “Am I in that book, Daddy?”

As Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” There is no way we can be successful in our families if we don’t prioritize “family” in our lives.

And this is what Habit 3 is about. In a sense, Habit 2 tells us what “first things” are. Habit 3, then, has to do with our discipline and commitment to live by those things. Habit 3 is the test of the depth of our commitment to “first things” and of our integrity—whether or not our lives are truly integrated around principles.

So Why Don’t We Put First Things First?

Most people clearly feel that family is top priority. Most would even put family above their own health, if it came to it. They would put family ahead of their own life. They would even die for their family. But when you ask them to really look at their lifestyle and where they give their time and their primary attention and focus, you almost always find that family gets subordinated to other values—work, friends, private hobbies.

In our surveys of over a quarter of a million people, Habit 3 is, of all the habits, the one where people consistently give themselves the lowest marks. Most people feel there’s a real gap between what really matters most to them—including family—and the way they live their daily lives.

Why is this happening? What is the reason for the gap?

After one of my presentations I was visiting with a gentleman who said, “Stephen, I really don’t know if I’m happy with what I’ve done in my life. I don’t know if the price I’ve paid to get where I am has been worth it. I’m in line now for the presidency of my company, and I’m not sure I even want it. I’m in my late fifties, and could easily be the president for several years, but it would consume me. I know what it takes.

“What I missed most was the childhood of my kids. I just wasn’t there for them, and even when I was there, I wasn’t really ‘there.’ My mind and my heart were focused on other things. I tried to give quality time because I knew I didn’t have quantity, but often it was disorienting and confusing. I even tried to buy my kids off by giving them things and providing exciting experiences, but the real bonding never took place.

“And my kids feel the enormous loss themselves. It’s just as you talk about, Stephen—I have climbed the ladder of success, and as I’m getting near the top rung, I realize that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. I just don’t have this feeling in our family—this beautiful family culture you’ve been talking about. But I feel as if that’s where the riches are. It’s not in money; it’s not in positions. It’s in this family relationship.”

Then he began to open his briefcase. “Let me show you something,” he said as he pulled out a large piece of paper. “This is what excites me!” he exclaimed, spreading it out between us. It was a blueprint of a home he was building. He called it his “three-generation home.” It was designed to be a place where children and grandchildren could come and have fun and enjoy interacting with their cousins and other relatives. He was building it in Savannah, Georgia, right on the beach. As he went over the plans with me, he said, “What excites me most about this is the way it excites my kids. They also feel as though they lost their childhood with me. They miss that feeling, and they want and need it.

“In this three-generation home, we have a common project to work on together. And as we work on this project, we think about their children—my grandchildren. In a sense I am reaching my children through their children, and they love it. My children want my involvement with their children.”

As he rolled the paper up and put it back into his briefcase, he said, “This is so important to me, Stephen! If accepting this position means that we have to move or that I won’t have the time to really invest in my children and grandchildren, I’ve decided I’m not going to take it.”

Notice how, for many years, “family” was not this man’s most important priority. And he and his family lost many years of precious family experience because of it. But at this time in his life he had come to realize the importance of the family. In fact, family had become so important to him that it eclipsed even the presidency of a major international firm—the last rung on the ladder of “success.”

Clearly, putting family first doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to buy a new home or give up your job. But it does mean that you “walk your talk”—that your life really reflects and nurtures the supreme value of family.

In the midst of pressures—particularly regarding work and career—many people are blind to the real priority of family. But think about it: Your professional role is temporary. When you retire from being a salesman, banker, or designer, you will be replaced. The company will go on. And your life will change significantly as you move out of that culture and lose the immediate affirmation of your work and your talent.

In the end, life teaches us what is important, and that is family.

But your role in the family will never end. You will never be replaced. Your influence and the need for your influence never ends. Even after you are gone, your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren will still look to you as their parent or grandparent. Family is one of the few permanent roles in life, perhaps the only truly permanent role.

So if you’re living your life around a temporary role and allowing your treasure chest to remain barren in terms of your only real permanent role, then you’re letting yourself be seduced by the culture and robbed of the true richness of your life—the deep and lasting satisfaction that only comes through family relationships.

In the end, life teaches us what is important, and that is family. Often for people on their deathbed, things not done in the family are a source of greatest regret. And hospice volunteers report that in many cases unresolved issues—particularly with family members—seem to keep people holding on, clinging to life until there is a resolution—an acknowledging, an apologizing, a forgiving—that brings peace and release.

So why don’t we get the message of the priority of family when we’re first attracted to someone, when our marriage is new, when our children are small? And why don’t we remember it when the inevitable challenges come?

For many of us, life is well described by Rabindranath Tagore when he said, “The song that I came to sing remains unsung. I have spent my days in stringing and unstringing my instrument.”1 We’re busy—incredibly busy. We’re going through the motions. But we never seem to reach the level of life where the music happens.

The Family: Sideshow or Main Tent?

The first reason we don’t put family first goes back to Habit 2. We’re not really connected to our deepest priorities. Remember the story about the businessmen and -women and their spouses in Habit 2 who had difficulty creating their family mission statements? Remember how they were unable to achieve the victory they wanted in their families until they really, deeply prioritized “family” in their own hearts and minds—inside out?

Many people have the feeling that family should be first. They may really want to put family first. But until that deep priority connection is there—and a commitment is made to it that is stronger than all the other forces that play on our everyday lives—we will not have what it takes to prioritize the family. Instead, we will be driven or enticed or derailed by other things.

In April 1997, U.S. News & World Report published a hard-hitting article entitled “Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work” that really challenged parents to do some serious soul searching and conscience work in this area. Authors Shannon Brownlee and Matthew Miller claim that few topics are as important—and involve as much self-deception and dishonesty—as finding the proper balance between child-rearing and work. They list five lies that parents tell themselves to rationalize (create rational lies) around their work-preference decisions. In summary, their findings were as follows:

Lie #1: We need the extra money. (But research shows that better-off Americans are nearly as likely to say they work for basic necessities as those who live near the poverty line.)

Lie #2: Day care is perfectly good. (“The most recent comprehensive study conducted by researchers at four universities found that while 15 percent of day care facilities were excellent, 70 percent were ‘barely adequate,’ and 15 percent were abysmal. Children in that vast middle category were physically safe but received scant or inconsistent emotional support and little intellectual stimulation.”)

Lie #3: Inflexible companies are the key problem. (The truth is that family-friendly policies now in place are usually ignored. Many people want to spend more time at the office. “Home life has become more like an efficiently run but joyless workplace, while the actual workplace, with its new emphasis on empowerment and teamwork, is more like a family.”)

Lie #4: Dads would gladly stay home if their wives earned more money. (In reality, few men ever seriously contemplate such a thing. “Men and women define ‘masculinity’ not in terms of athletic or sexual prowess but by the ability to be a ‘good provider’ for their families.”)

Lie #5: High taxes force both of us to work. (Even recent tax cuts have sent well-off spouses rushing into the job market.)

It’s easy to get addicted to the stimulation of the work environment and a certain standard of living, and to make all other lifestyle decisions based on the assumption that both parents have to work full-time. As a result, parents are held hostage by these lies—violating their conscience but feeling that they really have no choice.

The place to start is not with the assumption that work is non-negotiable; it’s with the assumption that family is non-negotiable. That one shift of mind-set opens the door to all kinds of creative possibilities.

In her bestselling book The Shelter of Each Other, psychologist Mary Pipher shares the story of a couple who were caught up in a hectic lifestyle.2 Both husband and wife worked long hours, trying to make ends meet. They felt they had no time for personal interests, for each other, or for their three-year-old twins. They anguished over the fact that it was day care providers who had seen their boys’ first steps and heard their first words, and that they were now reporting problems in behavior. This couple felt they had essentially fallen out of love, and the wife also felt torn apart by her unfulfilled desire to help her mother who was ill with cancer. They seemed trapped in what appeared to them to be an impossible situation.

But through counseling they were able to make some changes that created a dramatic difference in their lives. They began by setting aside Sunday nights to spend with their family and paying attention to each other—giving back rubs and expressing words of affection. The husband told his employers he would no longer be able to work on Saturdays. The wife eventually quit her job and stayed home with the boys. They asked her mother to move in with them, pooling their financial resources and providing a built-in storyteller for the boys. They cut back in many areas. The husband carpooled to work. They quit buying things except for essentials. They stopped eating out.

As Mary Pipher said, “The family had made some hard choices. They had realized that they could have more time or more money but not both. They had chosen time.”3 And that choice made a profound difference in the quality of their personal and family lives. They were happier, more fulfilled, less stressful, and more in love.

Of course, this may not be the solution for every family that’s feeling hassled and out of sync. But the point is that there are options, there are choices. You can consider cutting back, simplifying your lifestyle, changing jobs, shifting from full- to part-time work, cutting commuting time by having fewer, longer workdays or working closer to home, participating in job sharing, or creating a virtual office in your home. The bottom line is that there is no need to be held hostage by these lies if family is really your top priority. And making the family priority will push you into creative exploration of possible alternatives.

Parenthood: A Unique Role

There’s no question that more money can mean a better lifestyle not only for yourself but for your kids. They may be able to go to a finer school, have educational computer software, and even better health care. And recent studies also confirm that a child whose father or mother stays home and resents it is worse off than if the parents go to work.

But there’s also no question that the role of parents is a unique one, a sacred stewardship in life. It has to do with nurturing the potential of a special human being entrusted to their care. Is there really anything on any list of values that would outweigh the importance of fulfilling that stewardship well—socially, mentally, and spiritually, as well as economically?

The role of parents is a unique one, a sacred stewardship in life. Is there really anything that would outweigh the importance of fulfilling that stewardship well?

There is no substitute for the special relationship between a parent and a child. There are times when we would like to believe there is. When we choose to put a child in day care, for example, we want to believe it’s good, and so we do. If someone seems to have a positive attitude and a caring disposition, we easily believe they have both the character and the competence to help raise our child. But that which we desire most earnestly, we believe most easily. This is all part of the rationalization process. The reality is that most day care is inadequate. To paraphrase child development expert Urie Bronfenbrenner, “You can’t pay someone to do for a child what a parent will do for free.”4 Even excellent child care can never do what a good parent can do.

So parents need to make their commitment to their children—to their family—before they make their commitment to work. And if they do need day care assistance, they need to shop for that care far more carefully than they ever would for a house or a car. They need to examine the track record of the person being considered to ensure that both character and competence are present and the person can pass the “smell test”—the sense of intuition and inspiration that parents can get regarding caregiving for their children. They need to build a relationship with the caregiver so that correct expectations and accountability are established.

Good faith is absolutely insufficient. Good intentions will never replace bad judgment. Parents need to give trust, but they also need to verify competence. Many people are trustworthy in terms of character, but they are simply not competent—they lack knowledge and skill, and often are absolutely unaware of their incompetence. Others may be very competent but lack the character—the maturity and integrity, sincere caring, and the ability to be both kind and courageous.

And even with good care, the question each parent has to ask is “How often is such proxy caregiving right in my situation?” Sandra and I have some friends who have said that when their children were little, they felt they had all kinds of options and freedoms to do whatever they wanted. Their children were subject to them and dependent on them, and essentially they could have surrogate parenting in the form of day care and sitters whenever they wanted. So both parents became very involved in other things. But now, as their children are getting older, they are beginning to reap the whirlwind. They have no relationship. The children are getting into destructive lifestyles, and the parents have become greatly alarmed. “If we had it to do over,” they’ve said, “we would put a higher priority on our family, on these children—particularly when they were little. We would have made a greater investment.”

“If we had it to do over, we would put a higher priority on our family, on these children—particularly when they were little. We would have made a greater investment.”

As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’”5

On the other hand, we have another friend who said, “I’ve learned that for these years when I am raising these children, my other interests—professional interests, development interests, social interests—are to become secondary. My most important focus is to be there for my children, to invest myself in them at this critical stage.” She went on to say that this is difficult for her because she has so many interests and capabilities, but she is committed to it because she knows how vitally important it is.

What is the difference in these two situations? Priority and commitment—a clear sense of vision and the commitment to live with integrity to it. So if we’re not really prioritizing the family in daily life, the first place to look for answers is back in Habit 2: Is the mission statement really deep enough?

“When the Infrastructure Shifts, Everything Rumbles”

Assuming that we do have our Habit 2 work done, the next place we need to look is at the turbulent environment we’re trying to navigate through.

We took a brief look at a few major trends in Chapter 1. But now let’s take a closer look at the society we’re living in. Let’s examine a few of the changes over the past forty to fifty years in four dimensions—culture, laws, economy, and technology—and see how these changes impact you and your family. These facts I’m going to share come from surveys done in the United States, but they reflect growing trends worldwide.

Popular Culture

In the 1950s in the United States, the average child watched little or no TV, and what he saw on television was stable, two-parent families who generally interacted with respect. Today, the average child watches seven hours of television per day. By the end of grade school he’s seen over eight thousand murders and one hundred thousand acts of violence.6 During this time he’s spent an average of five minutes a day with his father and twenty minutes with his mother, and most of that time was spent either eating or watching TV!7

Just think about it: seven hours of TV a day and five minutes with Dad. Unbelievable!

He also has increasing access to videos and music that portray pornography, illicit sex, and violence. As we noted in Chapter 1, he goes to schools where the major concerns have shifted from chewing gum and running in the halls to drug abuse, teen pregnancy, suicide, rape, and assault.

Just think about it: The average child spends seven hours a day watching TV and five minutes with Dad. Unbelievable!

In addition to these influences, many homes have actually begun to take on the tone of the business world. In her groundbreaking analysis The Time Bind, sociologist Arlie Hochschild points out how, for many people, home and office have changed places. Home has become a frantic exercise in “beat the clock,” with family members having fifteen minutes to eat before rushing off to a soccer game, and trying to bond in the half hour before bed so they don’t waste time. At work, on the other hand, you can socialize and relax on a break. By comparison, work seems like a refuge—a haven of grown-up sociability, competence, and relative freedom. And as a result, some people even allow their workday to lengthen because they enjoy work more than home. Hochschild writes, “In this new model of family-and-work life, a tired parent flees a world of unresolved quarrels and unwashed laundry for the reliable orderliness, harmony, and managed cheer of work.”8

And it’s not just the changing tone of the home environment. There is enormous affirmation on the job. There are many extrinsic rewards—including recognition, compensation, and promotion—that feed our sense of self-worth, exhilarate us, and exert a powerful pull away from family and home. They create a seductive vision of a different destination, an idyllic, warm-climated Utopia that combines the satisfaction of hard work with the apparent justification—in the “busy-ness” of meeting the unbelievable schedules and demands—for neglecting what really matters most.

The rewards of home and family are almost all intrinsic. You’re not paid to do it. You don’t get prestige out of doing it. No one cheers you on in the role.

The rewards of home and family, on the other hand, are almost all intrinsic. In today’s world society is not on the sidelines giving praise and affirmation in your role as a father or mother. You’re not paid to do it. You don’t get prestige out of doing it. No one cheers you on in the role. As a parent your compensation is the satisfaction that comes from playing a significant role in influencing a life for good that no one else can fill. It’s a proactive choice that can only come out of your own heart.

Laws

These changes in the popular culture have driven profound changes in the political will and in resulting law. For example, throughout time, “marriage” has been recognized as the foundation of a stable society. Years ago the U.S. Supreme Court called it “the foundation of society, without which there would be neither civilization nor progress.”9 It was a commitment, a covenant among three parties—a man, a woman, and society. And for many it included a fourth: God.

Author and teacher Wendell Berry has said:

If they had only themselves to consider, lovers would not need to marry, but they must think of others and of other things. They say their vows to the community as much as to one another, and the community gathers around them to hear and to wish them well, on their behalf and on its own. It gathers around them because it understands how necessary, how joyful, and how fearful this joining is. These lovers, pledging themselves to one another “until death,” are giving themselves away, and they are joined by this as no law or contract could ever join them. Lovers, then, “die” into their union with one another as a soul “dies” into its union with God. And so here, at the very heart of community life, we find not something to sell as in the public market but this momentous giving. If the community cannot protect this giving, it can protect nothing.…

The marriage of two lovers joins them to one another, to forebears, to descendants, to the community, to Heaven and earth. It is the fundamental connection without which nothing holds, and trust is its necessity.10

But today, marriage is often no longer a covenant or a commitment. It’s simply a contract between consenting adults—a contract that’s sometimes considered unnecessary, is easily broken when no longer seen as convenient, and is sometimes even set up with the anticipation of possible failure through a prenuptial agreement. Society and God are often no longer even part of it. The legal system no longer supports it; in some instances, in fact, it discourages it by penalizing responsible fatherhood and encouraging mothers on welfare not to marry.

Today, marriage is often no longer a covenant or a commitment. It’s simply a contract between consenting adults—a contract that’s sometimes considered unnecessary and is easily broken.

As a result, according to noted Princeton University family historian Lawrence Stone, “The scale of marital breakdowns in the West since 1960 has no historical precedent that I know of, and seems unique.… There has been nothing like it for the last 2,000 years, and probably longer.” And in the words of Wendell Berry, “If you depreciate the sanctity and solemnity of marriage, not just as a bond between two people but as a bond between those two people and their forebears, their children, and their neighbors, then you have prepared the way for an epidemic of divorce, child neglect, community ruin, and loneliness.”11

Economy

Since 1950 the median income in the United States has increased by ten times, but the cost of the average home has increased by fifteen times and inflation has risen by 600 percent. These changes alone are forcing more and more parents out of the home just to make ends meet. In a critical review of The Time Bind (referred to here), Betsy Morris takes exception to Hochschild’s view that parents spend more time at work because they find it more pleasant than dealing with the challenges of home life. “More likely,” she says, “is that parents are killing themselves because they have to keep their jobs.”12

To make ends meet and for other reasons—including the desire to maintain a certain lifestyle—the percentage of families where there is one parent working and one at home with the children has dropped from 66.7 percent in 1940 to 16.9 percent in 1994. And today some 14.6 million children live in poverty—90 percent of whom live in one-parent homes.13 There is simply much less parental involvement with children, and the reality is that for many, family gets “second shift.”

The very structure of the economic world in which we live has been redefined. When the government took over the responsibility of caring for the aged and destitute in response to the Great Depression, the economic link between family generations was broken. And this has had a reverberating effect on every other link of the family. Economics define survival, and when this economic sense of responsibility between generations is broken, it begins to cut into the other tendons and sinews that hold the generations together, including the social and the spiritual. As a result, the short-term solution has become the long-range problem. In most cases “family” is no longer seen as an intergenerational and extended family unit that cares for itself. It has become reduced to the nuclear family of parents and children at home, and even that is being threatened. The government is seen as the first resource rather than last.

We now live in a world that values personal freedom and independence more than responsibility and interdependence—in a world with tremendous mobility in which creature comforts (especially television) enable social isolation and independent entertainment. Social life is being fractured. Families and individuals are becoming increasingly isolated. Escape from responsibility and accountability is available everywhere.

Technology

Changes in technology have accelerated the impact of changes in every other dimension. In addition to global communication and instant access to vast sources of valuable information, today’s technology also provides immediate, graphic, and often unfiltered access to a full spectrum of highly impactful visual images—including pornography and vivid scenes of bloodshed and violence. Supported by and saturated with advertising, technology puts us into materialistic overload. It has caused a revolution in expectations. Certainly it increases our ability to reach out to others, including family members, and establish connections to people around the globe. But it also diverts us and keeps us from interacting with and relating in meaningful ways to members of our family in our own home.

What does your own heart tell you? Does watching television make you kinder? More thoughtful? More loving? Does it help you build strong relationships in your home?

We can look to research for these answers, but there may be an even better source. What does your own heart tell you about the effects of television on you and your children? Does watching television make you kinder? More thoughtful? More loving? Does it help you build strong relationships in your home? Or does it make you feel numb? Tired? Lonely? Confused? Mean? Cynical?

When we think about the effects of the media on our families, we must realize that the media can literally drive the culture in the home. In order to take seriously what is going on in the media (unlikely romance, promiscuity, battling robots, cynical relationships, fighting, and violent brutality), we must be willing to engage in a “suspension of disbelief.” We must be willing to suspend our disbelief in actions we know as adults are not real—to desensitize our adult wisdom—and for thirty or sixty minutes allow ourselves to be taken on a journey to see how we like it.

What happens to us? We begin to believe that even TV news is normal life! Children especially believe. For example, one mother told me that after watching the six o’clock news on TV, her six-year-old said to her, “Mommy, why is everybody killing everybody?” This child believed what she was seeing was normal life!

It is true that there is so much good on TV—good information and enjoyable, uplifting entertainment. But for most of us and for our families, the reality is more like digging a lovely tossed salad out of the garbage dump. There may be some great salad there, but it’s pretty hard to separate out the trash, the dirt, and the flies.

Low-grade, gradual pollution can desensitize us not only to how awful the pollution but also to what we are trading off for it. It would take an enormous amount of benefit from television to trade off the time that could be spent with family members learning, loving, working, and sharing together!

A recent U.S. News & World Report poll reported that 90 percent of those polled felt that the nation is slipping deeper into moral decline. That same poll found that 62 percent felt TV was hostile toward their moral and spiritual values.14 So why are so many watching so much TV?

As the societal indicators of crime, drug use, sexual pleasuring, and violence go on their upward climb with few plateaus, we should not forget that the most important indicator in any society is the commitment to loving, nurturing, and guiding the most important people in our lives—our children. Children learn the most important lessons not from Power Rangers or even Big Bird but from a loving family who reads with them, talks to them, works with them, listens to them, and spends happy time with them. When children feel loved, really loved, they thrive!

Suppose you were on your deathbed. Would you really wish you’d spent more time watching TV?

Reflect for one moment: What were the most memorable family times in your own life? Suppose you were on your deathbed. Would you really wish you’d spent more time watching TV?

In their book Time for Life, sociologists John Robinson and Geoffrey Godbey reported that on the average, Americans spend fifteen of their forty hours of free time every week watching television. They suggest that maybe we are not as “busy” as we seem to be.15

As Marilyn Ferguson said in her landmark book The Aquarian Conspiracy, “Before we choose our tools and technology, we must choose our dreams and values, for some technologies serve them, while others make them unobtainable.”16

* * *

It becomes increasingly apparent that the shifts in these meta-structures are dislocating everything. Almost all businesses are being reinvented and restructured to make them more competitive. Globalization of technology and markets is threatening the very survival not only of businesses but of governments, hospitals, health care, and educational systems as well. Every institution—including the family—is being impacted today as never before.

These changes represent a profound shift in the infrastructure, the underlying framework of our society. As Stanley M. Davis, a friend and colleague in various leadership development conferences, has said, “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.”17 These meta-structure shifts represent the turning of a major gear, which in turn turns a smaller gear and then a smaller one, and eventually the tiny ones at the other end are whizzing. Every organization is being affected—including the family.

As we’re moving from the industrial to the informational infrastructure, everything is being dislocated and must find its bearing again. And yet many people are completely unaware of all this happening. Even though they see it and it creates anxiety, they don’t know what is happening or why, or what they can do about it.

A High Trapeze Act … with No Safety Net!

Where this infrastructure shift affects us all most personally and profoundly is in our families, our homes. Trying to successfully raise a family today is like trying to perform a high trapeze act—a feat that requires tremendous skill and almost unparalleled interdependence—and there’s no safety net!

There used to be a safety net. There were laws that supported the family. The media promoted it, upheld it. Society honored it, sustained it. And the family, in turn, sustained society. But there is no safety net anymore. The culture, the economics, and the law have unraveled it. And technology is accelerating the disintegration.

In a 1992 statement, the U.S. Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Department summarized literally hundreds of research studies of environmental changes over recent years:

Unfortunately, economic circumstances, cultural norms, and federal legislation in the last two decades have helped to create an environment that is less supportive to strong, stable families … [and] at the same time these economic changes have occurred, the extended family support system has eroded.18

And all of this has happened so gradually that many are not even aware of it. It’s like the story that author and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge tells about some frogs that were killed without resistance by being boiled alive in a cauldron of water. Normally, a frog thrown into boiling water will immediately jump out, saving his life. But these frogs didn’t jump out. They didn’t even resist. Why? Because when they were put into the cauldron, the water was tepid. Then little by little the temperature was raised. The water became warm … then warmer … then hot … then boiling. The change was so gradual that the frogs accommodated themselves to their new environment until it was too late.

This is exactly what happens with all of these forces in the world. We get used to them and they become our comfort zone—even though they’re literally killing us and our families. In the words of Alexander Pope:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,

As to be hated needs but to be seen;

Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,

We first endure, then pity, then embrace.19

It’s a process of gradual desensitization. And this is exactly what happens when we gradually subordinate principles to social values. These powerful cultural forces fundamentally alter our moral or ethical sense of what is, in fact, right. We even begin to think of social values as principles and call “bad” “good” and “good” “bad.” We lose our moral bearings. The airwaves get polluted with filth. The static makes it difficult to get a clear message from radio control.

And—to use the airplane metaphor again—we experience vertigo. This is what sometimes happens to a pilot who is flying without the use of instruments and goes through a sloping cloud bank, for example. He can no longer perceive ground references, and he may not even be able to tell from the “seat of the pants” sensation (the response of nerve endings in the muscles and joints) or from the tiny balance organs that are part of the inner ear, which way is up—because these feedback mechanisms are both dependent on a correct orientation to the pull of gravity. So as the brain struggles to decipher the messages sent from the senses without the clues normally supplied by vision, incorrect or conflicting interpretation may result. And the result of such sensory confusion is this dizzy, whirling sensation known as vertigo.

When we encounter extremely powerful influence sources … we literally experience a kind of conscience or spiritual vertigo. We become disoriented. Our moral compass is thrown off.

Similarly in life, when we encounter extremely powerful influence sources, such as a powerful social culture, charismatic people, or group movements, we experience a kind of conscience or spiritual vertigo. We become disoriented. Our moral compass is thrown off, and we don’t even know it. The needle that in less turbulent times pointed easily to “true north”—or the principles that govern in all of life—is being jerked about by the powerful electric and magnetic fields of the storm.

The Metaphor of the Compass

To demonstrate this phenomenon in my teaching—and to make five important points related to it—I will often get up in front of an audience and ask them to close their eyes. I say, “Now without peeking, everyone point north.” There is a little confusion as they all try to decide and point in the direction they think is north.

I then ask them to open their eyes and see where people are pointing. At that point there’s usually a great deal of laughter because they see that people are pointing in all directions—including straight up.

I then bring out a compass and show the north indicator, and I explain that north is always in the same direction. It never changes. It represents a natural magnetic force on the earth. I have used this demonstration in places throughout the world—including on ships at sea and even on satellite broadcasts with hundreds of thousands of people participating in different locations around the globe. It is one of the most powerful ways I have ever found to communicate that there is such a thing as magnetic north.

I use this illustration to make the first point: Just as there is a “true north”—a constant reality outside ourselves that never changes—so there are natural laws or principles that never change. And these principles ultimately govern all behavior and consequences. From that point on I use “true north” as a metaphor for principles or natural law.

I then proceed to show the difference between “principles” and behavior. I lay the see-through compass on an overhead so they can see the north indicator as well as the arrow that stands for the direction of travel. I move the compass around on the overhead so they can see that while the direction of travel changes, the north indicator never does. So if you want to go due east, you can put the arrow ninety degrees to the right of north and then follow that path.

I then explain that “direction of travel” is an interesting expression because it communicates essentially what people do; in other words, their behavior comes out of their basic values or what they think is important. If going east is important to them, they value that; therefore, they behave accordingly. People can move about based on their own desire and will, but the north indicator is totally independent of their desire and will.

I make the second point: There is a difference between principles (or true north) and our behavior (or direction of travel).

This demonstration enables me to introduce the third point: There is a difference between natural systems (which are based on principles) and social systems (which are based on values and behavior). To illustrate, I ask, “How many have ever ‘crammed’ in school?” Almost the entire audience raises their hands. I then ask, “How many got good at it?” Almost the same number raises their hands again. In other words, “cramming” worked.

I ask, “How many have ever worked on a farm?” Usually 10 to 20 percent raise their hands. I ask those people, “How many of you ever crammed on the farm?” There’s always extensive laughter because people immediately recognize that you can’t cram on the farm. It simply won’t work. It is patently absurd to think you can forget to plant in the spring and goof off all summer, then hit it hard in the fall and expect to bring in the harvest.

I ask, “How come cramming works in school and not on the farm?” And people come to realize that a farm is a natural system governed by natural laws or principles, but a school is a social system—a social invention—that is governed by social rules or social values.

I ask, “Is it possible to get good grades and even credentials out of school and not get an education?” And almost everyone acknowledges this is possible. In other words, when it comes to the natural system of developing your mind, it is governed more by the law of the farm than the law of the school—by a natural rather than a social system.

Then I proceed with this analysis into other areas that people can relate to, such as the body. I ask, “How many of you have tried to lose weight a thousand times in your life?” A good percentage raise their hands. I ask them, “What really is the whole key to weight loss?” Eventually, everyone comes to see that in order to achieve permanent and healthy weight loss, you must align the direction of travel—your habits and your lifestyle—with the natural laws or the principles that bring the desired result, with principles such as proper nutrition and regular exercise. The social value system may reward immediate weight loss through some crash diet program, but the body eventually outsmarts the strategy of the mind. It will slow down the metabolism processes and turn on the fat thermostat. And eventually the body returns to where it was—or perhaps even worse. So people begin to see that not only the farm but also the mind and the body are governed by natural laws.

I then apply this line of reasoning to relationships. I ask, “In the long run, are relationships governed more by the law of the farm or the law of the school?” People all acknowledge they’re governed by the law of the farm—that is, natural laws or principles rather than social values. In other words, you can’t talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into, and unless you are trustworthy, you cannot produce trust. They come to acknowledge that the principles of trustworthiness, integrity, and honesty are the foundation of any relationship that endures over time. People may fake it for a period of time or cosmetically impress others, but eventually “the hens come home to roost.” Violated principles destroy trust. And it doesn’t make any difference if you’re dealing with relationships between people, or relationships between organizations, or relationships between society and government or between one nation and another. Ultimately, there is a moral law and a moral sense—an inward knowing, a set of principles that are universal, timeless, and self-evident—that control.

I then apply this level of thinking to issues in our society. I ask, “If we were really serious about health reform, what would we primarily focus on?” Almost everyone acknowledges that we would focus on prevention—on aligning people’s behavior, their value system, their direction of travel with natural law or principles. But the social value system regarding health care—which is in the direction of travel of society—focuses primarily on the diagnosis and treatment of disease rather than on prevention or lifestyle alteration. In fact, more money is often spent in the last few weeks or days of a person’s life in heroic efforts to keep that person alive than was spent on prevention during the person’s entire life. This is where society’s value system is, and it has essentially assigned medicine this role. That’s why almost all medical dollars are spent on diagnosis and treatment of disease.

I then carry this analysis into education reform, welfare reform, political reform—actually, any reform movement. Ultimately people come to realize the fourth point: The essence of real happiness and success is to align the direction of travel with natural laws or principles.

Finally, I show the tremendous impact that the traditions, trends, and values of the culture can have on our sense of true north itself. I point out that often even the building we’re in can distort our sense of true north because it has a magnetic pull of its own. When you go outside the building and stand in nature, the north indicator shifts slightly. I compare this pull to the power of the wider culture—the mega traditions, trends, and values that can slightly warp our conscience so that we’re not even aware of it until we get out into nature alone where the “compass” really works, where we can slow down, reflect, and go deep inside ourselves to listen to our conscience.

I show the compass north shifting when I put it on the overhead projector, because the machine itself represents a magnetic force. I compare this to a person’s subculture—which could be the culture of the family or a business organization or a gang or a group of friends. There are many levels of subculture, and the illustration of how a machine can throw off the compass is very powerful. It’s easy to see how people lose their moral bearings and get uprooted by the need for acceptance and belonging.

This is perhaps the greatest role of parenting. More than directing and telling children what to do, it’s helping them connect with their own gifts—particularly conscience.

Then I take my pen and put it up against the compass, and I show how I can make the compass needle jump all over the place; how I can totally reverse it so that north looks south. I use this to explain how people can actually come to define “good” as “bad” and “bad” as “good,” because of an extremely powerful personality they come in contact with or an extremely powerful emotional experience—such as abuse or parental betrayal—or profound conscience betrayal. These traumas may be so shaking and devastating as to undermine their whole belief system.

I use this demonstration to make the fifth and final point: It’s possible for our deep, inward sense of knowing—our own moral or ethical sense of natural laws or principles—to become changed, subordinated, even eclipsed, by traditions or by repeated violation of one’s own conscience.

In spite of the work we do on mission statements, if we don’t internalize them in our hearts and minds and inside the culture of the family, these cultural forces will confuse and disorient us. They will stagger our sense of morality so that “wrong” is defined more by getting caught than by doing wrong.

This is also why it’s so important that pilots be trained in the use of instruments—whether or not they actually fly in instrument conditions. And that’s why it’s so important that children be trained to use the instruments—the four human gifts that help keep them on track. This is perhaps the greatest role of parenting. More than directing and telling children what to do, it’s helping them connect with their own gifts—particularly conscience—so that they are well trained and have immediate access to the lifesaving connection that will keep them oriented and on track. Without such a lifesaving connection, people crash. They become seduced by the culture.

Striking at the Root

I once attended a conference entitled “Religions United Against Pornography” in which leaders of religious organizations as well as women’s groups, ethnic groups, and educators joined together, united by the fight against this pernicious evil that victimizes primarily women and children. It became clear that although the subject was repugnant to people’s sense of decency and virtue and they would rather not discuss it, they knew it must be discussed because it is a reality in our culture.

At this conference we were shown video clips of interviews with people off the street, including many young men and young couples. These were not violent gang members, druggies, or criminals; they were normal, everyday people who looked on pornography as entertainment. Some said they watched it daily, sometimes several times a day. As we viewed these clips it became clear to us that pornography had become deeply embedded in the culture of many of the youth in the country today.

I gave a presentation on how to bring about culture change. I then attended a session where women leaders addressed this issue. They related how Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) had become a compelling force in society when enough women became so alarmed about the issue of alcohol abuse that their involvement created a serious impact on the cultural norms in American society. They gave us booklets that described rather than showed the kind of pornography that was out there. And as I read about it, I became physically ill.

In my second and final presentation I told of this experience and how convinced I was that the key to culture change is to get people so immersed in the reality of what’s happening that they can truly feel its full pernicious, sinister impact on the ethical and moral nature of people’s minds and hearts and how this affects our whole society. The key is to make people sick the way I had been made sick, involve them in the data until they become thoroughly repulsed and motivated, and then give them hope. Get them involved in coming up with solutions and identifying what has happened elsewhere that has been successful. Work on awareness and conscience before you work on imagination and will. Stir up the first two human gifts before releasing the energy of the next two. Then search together for models and mentoring people or organizations that can influence for good and develop laws that promote the good and protect the innocent.

But above all—above legislation, above every effort to influence popular culture—strengthen the home. As Henry David Thoreau put it, “For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” The home and family are the root. This is where the moral armament is developed in people to deal with these pernicious influences that technology has made available and to turn the technology into something that enables and facilitates good virtues and values and standards to be maintained throughout society.

For laws to be effective there has to be a social will (a set of mores) to enforce those laws. The great sociologist Émile Durkheim said, “When mores are sufficient, laws are unnecessary. When mores are insufficient, laws are unenforceable.” Without social will, there will always be legal loopholes and ways to break the law. And children can quickly lose their innocence and become callous and eroded inside—sarcastic and cynical and far more vulnerable as prey to violent gang behavior, to adoption into a new “family” that gives acceptance and social approbation. So the key is to nurture the four gifts inside each child and to build relationships of trust and unconditional love so that you can teach and influence the members of your family in principle-centered ways.

“For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.”

Interestingly, one other significant outcome of the conference was the change in the very culture and feeling among the leaders of the various faiths. In just two days it moved from courteous respect and exchange of pleasantries to genuine love, profound unity, and open, authentic communication because of a common, transcendent mission. As the leaders discovered, in these perilous times we must focus on what unites us, not on what divides us!

Who’s Going to Raise Our Children?

In the absence of an inner connection with the four human gifts and a strong family influence, what impact is the kind of culture we’ve described in this chapter—power boosted by technology—going to have on a child’s thinking? Is it realistic to think that children are going to be impervious to the murder and killing and cruelty they watch seven hours a day on TV? Can we really believe the TV program directors who claim there is no hard scientific evidence to show a correlation between violence and immorality in our society and the graphic scenes they choose to show on the television screen—and then quote hard scientific evidence to show how much a twenty-second advertisement will impact the behavior of the viewers?20 Is it reasonable to think that young adults exposed to a visual and emotional TV diet of sexual pleasuring can grow up with anywhere near a realistic or holistic sense of the principles that create good, enduring relationships and a happy life?

In such a turbulent environment, how can we possibly think that we can continue with “business as usual” inside our families? If we don’t build better homes, we’ll have to build more prisons because surrogate parenting will nurture gangs. Then the social code will surround drugs, crime, and violence. Jails and courts will become even more overcrowded. “Catch and release” will become the order of the day. And emotionally starved children will turn into angry adults, plowing through life for love, respect, and “things.”

In an epic historical study, one of the world’s greatest historians, Edward Gibbon, identified five main causes of the decline and fall of Roman civilization:

1. the breakdown of the family structure

2. the weakening of a sense of individual responsibility

3. excessive taxes and government control and intervention

4. seeking pleasures that became increasingly hedonistic, violent, and immoral

5. the decline of religion.21

His conclusions provide a stimulating and instructive perspective through which we might well look at the culture of today. And this brings us to the pivotal question on which our future and the future of our children depends:

Who’s going to raise my children—today’s alarmingly destructive culture or me?

As I said in Habit 2, if we don’t take charge of the first creation, someone or something else will. And that “something” is a powerful, turbulent, amoral, family-unfriendly environment.

This is what will shape your family if you do not.

“Outside in” No Longer Works

As I said in Chapter 1, forty years ago you could successfully raise a family “outside-in.” But outside-in no longer works. We cannot rely on societal support of our families as we used to. Success today can only come from the inside out. We can and we must be the agent of change and stability in creating the supporting structures for our families. We must be highly proactive. We must create. We must reinvent. We can no longer depend on society or most of its institutions. We must develop a new flight plan. We must rise above the turbulence and chart a “true north” path.

Just consider the effects of these changes in the culture of the home and the environment as represented in the chart on these pages. Think about the impact these changes are having on your own family. The point of comparing today to the past is not to suggest that we return to some idealized notion of the 40s and 50s. It is to recognize that because things have changed so much, and because the impact on the family is so staggering, we must respond in a way that is equal to the challenge.

History clearly affirms that family is the foundation of society. It is the building block of every nation. It is the headwaters of the stream of civilization. It is the glue by which everything is held together. And family itself is a principle built deeply into every person.

But the traditional family situation and the old family challenge are gone. We must understand that, more than at any other time in history, the role of parenting is absolutely vital and irreplaceable. We can no longer depend on role models in society to teach our children the true north principles that govern in all of life. We are grateful if they do, but we cannot depend on it. We must provide leadership in our families. Our children desperately need us. They need our support and advice. They need our judgment and experience, our strength and decisiveness. More than ever before they need us to provide family leadership.

So how do we do it? How do we prioritize and lead our families in significant, productive ways?

Creating Structure in the Family

Think once again about the words of Stanley M. Davis: “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.”

The profound technological and other changes we’ve talked about have impacted organizations of all kinds in our society. Most organizations and professions are being reinvented and restructured to accommodate this new reality. But this same kind of restructuring has not happened in the family. Despite the fact that outside-in no longer works, and despite the astounding report that today only 4 to 6 percent of American households are made up of the “traditional” working husband, wife at home, and no history of divorce for either partner,22 most families are not effectively restructuring themselves. They’re either trying to carry on in the old way—the way that worked with the challenges of the past—or they’re trying to reinvent in ways that are not in harmony with the principles that create happiness and enduring family relationships. As a whole, families are not rising to the level of response the challenge demands.

So we must reinvent. The only truly successful response to structural change is structure.

When you consider the word “structure,” think carefully about your response to it. As you do, be aware that you are trying to navigate through an environment where the popular culture rejects the idea of structure as being limiting, confining.

But consult your own inner compass. Think about the words of Winston Churchill: “For the first twenty-five years of my life I wanted freedom. For the next twenty-five years of my life I wanted order. For the next twenty-five years of my life I realized that order is freedom.” It is the very structure of marriage and family that gives stability to society. The father in a popular family television show during the outside-in era said this: “Some men see the rules of marriage as a prison; others—the happy ones—see them as boundary lines that enclose all the things they hold dear.” It is the commitment to structure that builds trust in relationships.

Think about it: When your life is a mess, what do you say? “I have to get organized. I have to put things in order!” This means creating both structure and priority or sequencing. If your room is a mess, what do you do? You organize your things in closets and dresser drawers. You organize within structure. When we say about someone, “He has his head screwed on straight,” what do we mean? We basically mean that his priorities are in order. He’s living by what’s important. When we say to a person with a terminal disease, “Get your affairs in order,” what do we mean? We mean, “Make sure your finances, insurance, relationships, and so forth, are attended to.”

“Ultimately, we must decide either to steer or to go where the river takes us. The key to successful steering is to be intentional about our family rituals.”

In a family, order means that the family is prioritized and that some kind of structure is in place to make that priority happen. In the mega sense, Habit 2—the creation of a family mission statement—provides the foundational structure for the inside-out approach to family living. In addition, there are two major organizing structures or processes that will help you put the family first in a meaningful way in your daily life: a weekly “family time” and one-on-one bonding times.

As prominent marriage and family therapist William Doherty said, “The forces pulling on families are just too strong in the modern world. Ultimately, we must decide either to steer or to go where the river takes us. The key to successful steering is to be intentional about our family rituals.”23

Weekly Family Time

Outside of making and honoring the basic marriage covenant, I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it “family time,” “family hour,” “family council,” or “family night” if you prefer. Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.

A thirty-four-year-old woman from Oregon shared this:

My mother was the instigator of a weekly family activity time where we children got to pick whatever we wanted to do. Sometimes we went ice skating. At other times we went bowling or to a movie. We absolutely loved it! We always topped it off with a visit to our favorite restaurant in Portland. Those activity days always left me with a feeling of great closeness and that we really were part of a family unit.

I have such fond memories of these times. My mother passed away when I was a teenager, and this had a very traumatic impact on me. But my dad has made sure that every year since her death we all get together for at least one week—in-laws, children, everyone—to rekindle those same feelings.

When family members all leave to go to their homes in different states, I feel sad and yet so rich. There is such strength in a family that has lived together under the same roof. And the new members of our family have in no way detracted from this feeling—they have only enriched it.

My mother left quite a legacy. I have not married, but my brothers and sisters faithfully have their own weekly family times with their children. And that particular restaurant in Portland is still a gathering spot for us all.

Notice the feelings this woman is expressing about her memories of these family times. And look at the impact it has on her life now, on her relationships with her brothers and sisters, and on their relationships with the members of their families. Can you begin to see the kind of bonding a weekly family time creates? Can you see the way it builds the Emotional Bank Account?

A woman from Sweden shared this story:

When I was about five or six years old, my parents talked to someone who told them of the value of having regular meetings with their family. So they began to do it in our home.

I remember the first time my dad shared with us a principle of life. It was very powerful to me, because I had never seen him in the role of formal teacher, and I was impressed. My dad was a busy and successful businessman and had not had very much time for us children. I remember how special and important it made me feel that he valued us enough to take time out of his busy schedule and sit down and explain how he felt about life.

I also recall an evening when my parents invited a famous surgeon from the United States to join us for our family time. They asked him to share his experiences of medicine with us and how he had been able to help people all over the world.

This surgeon told us how decisions he had made in life eventually led him to reaching his goals and becoming more than he had imagined. I never forgot his words and the importance of taking each challenge “one step at a time.” But more important, his visit left me with the feeling that it was really neat that my parents wanted to invite visitors home to share their experiences with us.

Today I have five children, and almost monthly we bring some “outsider” to our home to get acquainted with, share with, and learn from. I know it is a direct result of what I saw in my parents’ home. In our jobs or at school, we have an opportunity to be exposed to people from other countries, and their visits have enriched our lives and have resulted in close friendships worldwide.

This woman was profoundly influenced by a regular family time as she was growing up and has passed the legacy on to her children. Think about the difference this will make to her children as their family tries to navigate through a turbulent, family-unfriendly environment.

A weekly family night is something we’ve had as part of our own family from the very beginning. When the children were very small, we used it as a time of deep communication and planning for the two of us. As they got older, we used the time to teach them, to play with them, and to involve them in fun and meaningful activities and family decisions. There have been times when one of us or one of the children could not be there. But for the most part we’ve tried to always set aside at least one evening a week as family time.

On a typical family night we would review our calendar on upcoming events so everyone would know what was going on. Then we’d hold a family council and discuss issues and problems. We’d each give suggestions, and together we’d make decisions. Often we would have a talent show where the kids would show us how they were coming along with their music or dance lessons. Then we’d have a short lesson and a family activity and serve refreshments. We would also always pray together and sing one of our family’s favorite songs, “Love at Home” by John Hugh McNaughton.

In this way we would accomplish what we have come to feel are the four main ingredients of a successful family time: planning, teaching, problem-solving, and having fun.

Notice how this one structure can meet all four needs—physical, social, mental, and spiritual—and how it can become a major organizing element in the family.

But family time doesn’t have to be that involved—especially at first. If you want, you can just begin to do some of these things at a special family dinner. Use your imagination. Make it fun. After a while, family members will begin to realize they are receiving nourishment in more ways than one, and it will be easier to hold a more involved family time. People—particularly little children—long for family experiences that make them feel close to one another. They want a family in which people demonstrate that they care about one another. Also, the more often you do things like this in your family, the easier it will become.

And you cannot begin to imagine the positive impact this will have on your family. A friend of mine did his doctoral dissertation on the effect of holding family meetings on the self-image of children. Although his research showed the positive effect was significant, one unanticipated and surprising result was the positive effect that holding such meetings had on the fathers. He tells of one father who felt very inadequate and was initially reluctant to try to hold such meetings. But after three months the father said this:

Growing up, my family didn’t talk much except to put each other down and to argue. I was the youngest, and it seemed as if everyone in the family told me that I couldn’t do anything right. I guess I believed them, so I didn’t do much in school. It got so I didn’t even have enough confidence to try anything that took any brains.

I didn’t want to have these family nights because I just didn’t feel I could do it. But after my wife led a discussion one week and my daughter another week, I decided to try one myself.

It took a lot of courage for me to do it, but once I got started, it was like something turned loose in me that had been tied up in a painful knot ever since I was a little boy. Words just seemed to flow out of my heart. I told the members of my family why I was so glad to be their dad and why I knew they could do good things with their lives. Then I did something I had never done before. I told them all, one by one, how much I loved them. For the first time I felt like a real father—the kind of father I wished my father had been.

Since that night I have felt much closer to my wife and kids. It’s hard to explain what I mean, but a lot of new doors have opened for me and things at home seem different now.

Weekly family times provide a powerful, proactive response to today’s family challenge. They provide a very practical way to prioritize the family; the time commitment itself tells the children how important the family is. They build memories. They build Emotional Bank Accounts. They help you create your own family safety net. They also help you meet several fundamental family needs: physical, economic, social, mental, aesthetic, cultural, and spiritual.

I have taught this idea now for over twenty years, and many couples and single parents have said that family time is an enormously valuable and practical “take home” idea. They say it has had the most profound effect on family prioritization, closeness, and enjoyment of any family idea they have ever heard.

Turning Your Mission Statement into Your Constitution Through “Family Time”

Family time provides a great opportunity to discuss and create your family mission statement. And once you have the mission statement, it can help you meet the need for a practical way to turn it into the constitution of your family life and to meet four everyday needs: spiritual (to plan), mental (to teach), physical (to solve problems), and social (to have fun).

Sandra:

On one of our family nights, we were talking about the kind of family we wanted to be as we had described in our mission statement. We got into a discussion about service and how important it is to serve one another—the family, neighbors, and the larger community.

So for the next family night I decided to prepare a lesson on service. We rented the video Magnificent Obsession. It tells the story of a rich playboy who became involved in a car accident that resulted in a girl’s becoming blind. It showed how he felt guilty and terrible about it and realized that his careless actions had changed her life forever. In some way he wanted to make this up to her and help her deal with her new life situation, so he consulted a friend—an artist—who tried to teach him how to give anonymous service and help other people. At first he struggled with it and had difficulty understanding the reasons he should do this. But eventually he learned how to look for needs in people and situations and step into their lives and anonymously create positive change.

As we discussed this movie, we talked about what a great neighborhood we lived in—how caring and responsible the people were and how much we appreciated them. We all agreed that we wanted them to know that, and we wanted to be of some service or do something for them. We created what we called the “Phantom Family.” For about three months at every family night we made a special treat—popcorn balls, candy apples, cupcakes, or something similar. We decided which family we were going to spotlight. Then we put the treat on their porch, along with a note that told how we admired their family and appreciated them. We ended the note with “the Phantom Family strikes again!” We rang the doorbell and ran like wildfire.

Each week we did the same thing. We never did get caught, although on one occasion we were reported to the police because someone thought we were trying to break in!

Pretty soon all the neighbors were talking about the Phantom Family. We acted as if we didn’t know anything about it, but were also wondering who in the world the Phantom Family could be. People eventually had their suspicions, and one night we were left a treat with a note that said, “To the Phantom Family—from Your Suspicious Neighbors.”

The plotting, drama, and mystery made a great adventure. It also enabled us all to learn more about the principle of anonymous service and to more fully integrate an important part of our family mission statement into our lives.

We’ve found that every idea in our mission statement provides a great basis for family time discussions and activities—things that help us translate the mission into moments of family living. And as long as we make it fun and exciting, everyone learns and enjoys.

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself. In other words, principles get built right into the very structure and culture of the family, and everyone comes to realize that principles are at the center of the family and are the key to keeping the family strong, together, and committed to its destination. Then the mission statement becomes like the Constitution of the United States—the ultimate arbiter of every law and statute. The principles upon which it is based and the value systems that flow out of those principles create a social will that is filled with moral or ethical authority.

A Time to Plan

One husband and father shared the following:

A couple of years ago my wife and I noticed that our summers were getting increasingly busy, and we were not spending as much time with the kids as we wanted while they were out of school. So right after school let out, we had a family night where we asked the children to tell us their favorite summer things to do. They mentioned everything from the little everyday things like swimming and going out for ice cream to daylong activities such as hiking up a nearby mountain and going to the water park. It was fun because each of them got to share what he or she really enjoyed doing.

Once we got all these activities out on the table, we worked on narrowing down the list. Obviously, we couldn’t do everything, so we tried to come up with those activities that everyone thought would be the most fun. Then we pulled out a huge calendar and planned when we would do them. We set aside some Saturdays for major daylong activities. We reserved some weeknights for those that didn’t take as much time. We also marked out a week for our family vacation at Lake Tahoe.

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself.

The children were very excited to see that we had actually planned to do the things that were important to them. And we found over the summer that this planning made a big difference in their happiness and in ours. No longer were they constantly asking when we were going to do something because they knew when we were going to do it. It was on the family calendar. And we held to our plan. We all made it a big priority in our lives. It helped us form a collective commitment, and this sense of commitment greatly strengthened and bonded us.

This planning also made a big difference to me because it helped me commit to do what I really wanted to do but often didn’t do because of the pressure of the moment. There were times when I was tempted to work late to finish a particular project, but I realized that to miss keeping the commitment I’d made to my family would be a big withdrawal. I had to follow through, so I did. And I didn’t feel guilty because that’s what I had planned to do.

As this man discovered, family time is a wonderful time to plan. Everyone’s there and involved. You can decide together how to best spend your family time. And everyone knows what’s happening.

Many families do some kind of weekly planning during their family time. One mother said:

Planning is a big part of our family time together each week. We try to go over each person’s goals and activities, and put them on a magnetic chart that hangs on the door. This enables us to plan family activities together and helps us know what others in the family are doing during the week so that we can support them. It also gives us the information we need to arrange necessary transportation and baby-sitting, and resolve scheduling conflicts.

One of the best things about our calendar it is that it’s by the phone, so when someone calls for a family member, any of us can say, “Oh, I’m sorry, she’s not here. She’s at a play practice. She should be home by five o’clock.” We feel good knowing where family members are and being able to communicate easily with their friends when they call. And we feel good knowing that the kids can respond to our calls effectively as well.

Having a family calendar enables you to plan quality time together, including weekly family time and one-on-ones. It also helps everyone feel invested in the family. The calendar isn’t just Mom’s or Dad’s; it reflects the priorities and decisions of everyone.

With specific time set aside each week for the family, you can begin to feel more peace of mind. You know that your most important stewardship is attended to. You can more fully give yourself to your family—and to work and other activities as well, because you know that you have time set aside for the things that matter most. And this can all be accomplished with as simple a tool as a wall calendar and a process of regularly meeting together to plan.*

A Time to Teach

We’re also found that family time is a great time to teach basic principles of life. Sandra and I have had some wonderful family times teaching our children the principles behind the 7 Habits.

Sandra:

Some years ago a huge shopping mall complex was being built in the center of Salt Lake City. The intent was to draw people back to the city by providing excellent shopping, theaters, restaurants, and other features. One family night Stephen explained that he had met one of the architects. He said that he had arranged for us to go on the construction site so that the architect could explain to us the details and complexities of such a project.

He took all of us up to the rooftop of an adjacent building where we surveyed the massiveness of this project. We were awed by the size, the planning, the vision, the technology, and the building expertise that went into such a development. The architect explained the concept of beginning with the end in mind. Everything had to be created twice. He had to meet with the owners and builders and other architects, and explain in minute detail the size, floor space, function, design, purpose, and cost of every area.

We watched breathlessly as he scanned each section of the building with a TV monitor while explaining what would be here and what would be there. Then we followed him to a large room where he showed us hundreds and hundreds of blueprints. Some were for the heating and air-conditioning systems. Some were for the interior and exterior lighting. Some were for the staircases, exits, elevators, wiring, cement, columns, windows, sound systems, and so on.

He went on to explain the interior design—the plans for painting, wallpaper, color schemes, flooring, tiles, and ambiance. We were amazed at the detail, forethought, imagination, and planning.

As the sun set, the city became alive with shadows and lights, and we were able to make out landmarks and familiar sites around us. It was then that Stephen and I took the opportunity to talk with the children about how the principle of “begin with the end in mind” applies to the decisions and plans we make in our lives every day.

If we plan to go to college, for example, we must attend school. We must study, prepare for tests, turn in papers, learn to express ourselves in writing, complete the course. If we want to excel in music, we must have the desire and the talent. We must practice. We must give up other things in order to concentrate and progress and improve. To excel in athletics we must develop our natural talents. We must practice and participate in sports camps. We must push ourselves, believe we can do it, sustain injuries, and glory in the wins but learn from the losses. We said that things don’t just happen by chance. You have to envision your goals. Make a blueprint. Count the cost. Pay the price to make it all happen.

That family night gave us a wonderful opportunity to share an important principle with our children. It was a night we will all remember.

Family time is a great time to teach competence in practical matters. One woman related this experience:

One of the family times our children remember the most was when we played a game to teach them some principles of financial management.

We set up several signs in different places in the room that said such things as “Bank,” “Store,” “Credit Card Company,” and “Charity.” Then we gave each of the children some object to represent work they could do to earn money. Our eight-year-old had some hand towels she could fold. Our ten-year-old had a broom to sweep the floor. Everyone had work to do so that they could earn.

When the game began, everyone started to work. After a few minutes we rang a bell, and everyone got “paid.” We gave them each ten dimes for their labor. Then they had to decide what to do with their money. They could put it in the bank. They could donate some to charity. They could buy something at the “store” where we had a lot of bright-colored balloons with the names of different toys and the price written on them. In fact, if they really wanted something badly from the store and didn’t have enough money to buy it, they could go to the credit card company and borrow enough to get it.

We went through the sequence several times: work, earn, spend; work, earn, spend. And then we blew a whistle. “Interest time!” we said. Those who had put money in the bank got money added. Those who had “borrowed” from the credit card company had to pay interest. After several rounds they quickly became convinced that it was much smarter to earn interest than to pay it.

As the game progressed, the children also saw that those who chose to donate to charity were helping to provide food, clothes, and other basic necessities for people throughout the world. And as we popped some of the balloons when the “interest” whistle blew, they also realized that many of the material things we work so hard for and even go into debt for don’t last.

When we’ve asked our children to tell us about family times they remember, this one was at the top of the list. And it’s made a tremendous difference when as grown-ups they’ve received mail containing the empty promise of “buy now, pay later.” Of our four married children, not one of them carries a credit card balance requiring the payment of interest. And the only money they’ve borrowed has been for homes, transportation, and education.

Just think of the difference it’s made to these children to learn some of the basic principles of finance in their home—especially when problems in financial management is one of the major factors linked to divorce.24

Family time is a great time to teach about the family itself. One woman shared this:

One of the best family nights we’ve had was when we brought a new baby home from the hospital. It provided a perfect teaching moment.

We had talked with them about sex on other family nights. We had explained to them that it was an important part of marriage and not something to be treated lightly.

But there in the quiet circle of family love, we were able to say to them, “This is what it’s all about. It’s about the love between a husband and wife. It’s about bringing a new little person into a family where he’ll be loved and cherished and cared for. It’s about the commitment to protect and take care of this little person until he’s grown up and ready to create a family of his own.”

If we do not teach our children, society will. And they—and we—will live with the results.

I don’t think there’s anything we could have done that would have touched their hearts more deeply or influenced their attitude more powerfully about intimacy in human relationships.

As you can see, family time provides a wonderful time to teach. And the dramatic change in society makes it even more imperative that we really teach our families in our homes. If we do not teach our children, society will. And they—and we—will live with the results.

A Time to Solve Problems

A woman from Denmark shared this experience:

In our home we have tried to get together almost weekly since our children were small. We have used the meetings for many different purposes. Occasionally these meetings have been the forum for us to lay our cards on the table and tell the kids about struggles in our lives and how we tackle them.

One time my husband lost his job, so we used the time in our family meeting to explain what had happened. We showed them the money we had in the bank, and we explained that it usually took six months to find a new job. We showed them how we needed to divide the money into six groups—one for each month. We divided each month’s money into what would be needed for food, house payment, gas, electricity, and so on.

In this way they could clearly see where the money was going and how little was left. They could have panicked if it wasn’t for the fact that we told them it was going to be a challenge, and we could make it. But we wanted them to see where the money would go. We wanted to avoid breaking their hearts over and over again because we couldn’t afford new clothes or entertainment.

We then discussed how stressful this responsibility was for their dad and what we could do at home to de-stress him. We decided to remove all irritation spots, such as leaving schoolbags, coats, and shoes on the floor—and keep the house clean. They all agreed, and we felt very united in this difficult process that was ahead of us.

During the following six months we baked a lot of cakes to cheer us up. We didn’t participate in anything that cost money or purchase things other than bare necessities. The kids continually tried to cheer up their dad, telling him they knew he would get a job soon. They went out of their way to show their confidence in him because we all knew from experience that this would be an area he would struggle with.

When he finally got a new job, the children’s joy was almost greater than ours, and the celebration was one we won’t soon forget. I cannot even begin to list the headaches we avoided because we took the time to sit down with them and explain our situation and what it would take to get through it.

Family time is a wonderful time for problem-solving. It’s a time to address fundamental needs and work together to find ways to meet them. It’s an opportunity to involve family members in the problems and work out solutions together so that we all understand, so that we all feel the solution represents us and we are committed to it.

Maria (daughter):

I remember one family night, Dad went through the list of all the responsibilities that needed to be taken care of in the home. And then he went down the list and asked who wanted to do each one.

He said, “Okay, who wants to earn the money?” No one volunteered, so he said, “Well, I guess I’ll have to do that one. Okay, who wants to pay the taxes?” Again, nobody volunteered, so he said he’d do that, too. “Okay, who wants to feed the new baby?” Well, Mom was the only one qualified for that job. “So who wants to take care of the lawn?”

He went on and on with all the things that needed to be done, and it became very clear that he and Mom were both doing so much for the family. It was a great way to put our jobs as kids in perspective. It also really made us realize that everyone needed to take part.

We know of one mother who has taken into her home many foster children that the state has considered “incorrigible.” These kids have had a wide variety of problems. Almost all have been in trouble with the police. As this woman has discovered, family times are great for airing and sharing. She said:

As we have dealt with these foster kids and our own kids over the years, we’ve found that kids really need close relationships. And these can be nurtured during family time. The kids really like to be involved. They like being in charge of something—games or treats or activities. And they appreciate a “safe” environment where they can express their concerns.

Just recently we had a foster boy who was going through very difficult challenges—physically, emotionally, and mentally. While he was in the hospital, we used a family time to update the kids on what to expect when he returned. They had concerns about his behavior—about his teasing and so on—and we let them air those concerns. We made it safe for them to be very honest, and it helped put them at ease so that they were not so apprehensive. One of the kids didn’t even want him to come back at all, and knowing that, we were better able to handle it.

Creating a family forum where problems can be openly discussed builds trust in the relationship and in the family’s ability to solve them.

A Time to Have Fun

Sandra:

I think everyone’s favorite family nights in our home were the times when we would go on a series of adventures. Stephen would usually make them up as we went along, and none of us knew what to expect. It might be playing a game of volleyball in the backyard, then having a swim at the high school gym followed by a visit to the pizza parlor. Or it could be going to the driving range and letting everyone hit a bucket of golf balls, and then going to a movie and finishing up with a root beer float at home. We might play a game of miniature golf at the rec center, then jump on the backyard trampoline, share some ghost stories as it got dark, and then sleep out in the backyard. Or we might join another family for a hike up Rock Canyon, build a fire and roast marshmallows, and then go bowling. Sometimes we’d take trips to a museum—the art museum, the science museum, the dinosaur museum. Sometimes we’d rent videos or show home movies and pop popcorn.

In the summer we might go swimming or floating down the Provo River in an inner tube. In the winter we might go skiing or sledding, have a snowball fight, or go ice skating on the lake. We never knew what the adventures would be, and that was half the fun.

Sometimes another family or aunts and uncles and cousins would join us. Then we might have an all-day marathon, including horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong games, tennis, and basketball.

One of the most important ingredients of any family time is fun. This is what unites and bonds family members. This is what creates joy and pleasure in being together. As one father said:

Family time gives us the opportunity to do something that often doesn’t get done in the hubbub of life—to just spend time together having fun. It seems as if there’s always so much to do—work at the office, work at home, fixing dinner, getting kids ready for bed—that you don’t take the time to just relax and enjoy being together. And this is so important, especially when the stress is high.

We’ve found that just wrestling with the kids, telling jokes, and laughing together is very therapeutic. It creates an environment where it’s safe for them to tease Mom and Dad—or for Mom and Dad to tease them. It makes them feel liked.

When thing are too serious all the time, I think they wonder, “Do Mom and Dad really like me? Do they like being with me?” But when we have this regular time together and we just let go and really enjoy one another, they know we like to be with them. They associate “being liked” with having fun.

And it’s almost as if this family time structure helps us—gives us the time—to be spontaneous. The kids look forward to it more than anything else during the week. Because we have so much fun together, they are the ones who always make sure we have it.

Even if nothing else happens during family time, just the joy of being together and doing things together will have tremendous positive effect on the Emotional Bank Accounts in the family. And when you add the other dimensions, family time truly becomes one of the most effective organizing structures in the family.

Making the Commitment

Perhaps you remember—or have seen in a more recent video or movie—the film clips showing the lunar voyage of Apollo 11. Those of us who witnessed it were absolutely transfixed. We could hardly believe our eyes when we saw men walking on the moon. Superlatives such as “fantastic” and “incredible” were inadequate to describe those eventful days.

Where do you think the most power and energy was expended on that heavenly journey? Going a quarter of a million miles to the moon? Returning to the earth? Orbiting the moon? Separating and redocking the lunar and command modules? Lifting off from the moon?

No, not in any of these. Not even in all of these together. It was lifting off from the Earth. More energy was spent in the first few minutes of liftoff from the earth—in the first few miles of travel—than was used in half a million miles for several days.

The gravity pull of those first few miles was enormous. The Earth’s atmosphere was compressingly heavy. It took an internal thrust greater than both the pull of gravity and the resistance of atmosphere to finally break out into orbit. But once they did break out, it took almost no power to do all those other things. In fact, when one of the astronauts was asked how much power was expended when the lunar module separated from the command module to go down and survey the moon, he answered, “Less than the breath of a baby.”25

This lunar voyage provides a powerful metaphor for describing what it takes to break out of old habits and create new ones, such as having weekly family times. The gravity force of the Earth could be compared to deeply embedded habits, tendencies programmed by genetics, environment, parents, and other significant figures. The weight of the Earth’s atmosphere could be compared to the turbulent family-unfriendly environment of the wider culture, the wider society. These are two powerful forces, and you must have a collectivized social will that is stronger than both of these forces in order to make liftoff happen.

But once it does happen, you will be amazed at the freedom it gives you and your family. During liftoff, astronauts have no freedom, no power; all they can do is carry out the program. But as soon as they pull away from the gravity of the Earth and the atmosphere surrounding the Earth, they experience an unbelievable surge of freedom. And they have many, many options and alternatives.

As the great American philosopher and psychologist William James suggested, when you are attempting to make a change, you need to make the resolve deep, seize the first moment of initiative to act on that resolve, and allow no exceptions. The most important thing is to make the commitment to do it: “Once a week, no matter what, we will have family time together.” If you can, set aside a specific night to do it. Schedule it on your family calendar. You may have to change that night occasionally if something really urgent comes up, but if this happens, immediately reschedule it for another time during the week. You’ll have a much better chance of doing this on a regular basis if you set aside a specific night of the week. Furthermore, you want to communicate to your children the importance of a specific family time when they’re little, before the onslaught of the teenage social agenda.

The most important thing is to make the commitment: “Once a week, no matter what, we will have family time together.”

And no matter what happens in your family meeting, don’t get discouraged. We’ve had family meetings where two of our nine children (teenage sons, of course) were sprawled out on the couch asleep, and some of the others were climbing the walls. We’ve had meetings that basically started out as a big fight and ended up in prayer. We’ve even had meetings where people were being so noisy, so disrespectful that we’ve said, “Okay, we’ve had it! You come and get us when you’re ready to meet!” and walked out. Usually they asked us to stay. When we did leave, we always came back later and apologized.

The point I’m trying to make is this: It’s not always easy. And it’s usually not convenient. Sometimes you even wonder whether your children are getting anything out of it. In fact, you may not be able to see the real results for years.

But it’s like the story of the man in the railroad station in St. Louis who accidentally moved a small piece of railroad track a mere three inches. As a result the train that was supposed to arrive in Newark, New Jersey, ended up in a station in New Orleans, Louisiana, some thirteen hundred miles away. Any change—even a tiny one—in your direction today will make a significant difference hundreds of miles down the road.

Maria (daughter):

I remember times when we’d have our weekly family meetings and Sean and David were lying on the couches sound asleep. Catherine would be saying, “My boyfriend’s trying to call, and we’ve got the phone off the hook!” I’m sure at the time our parents wondered, “Are they getting anything at all out of these meetings?”

Catherine (daughter):

I remember being difficult in those meetings sometimes. But as I grew up and left home, I often thought about specific things I learned then. They made a real difference in my life. And that’s very encouraging to me because now I look at my own children and think, “Are they getting anything from this?” And I realize that even though it sometimes seems as if they’re not, they really are. Foundations are being laid that will make a huge difference down the road. Just the fact that we’re doing it, that we’re trying, is tremendously important.

We’ve held weekly meetings in our family for over thirty years now, and as I look back and as I talk with our grown children about this experience, I am absolutely convinced that it has been one of the most powerful, one of the most significant forces in keeping our family on track.

One-on-One Bonding Times

Perhaps you’ve seen the compelling mountain scene poster with the invitation at the bottom: “Let the mountain have you for a day.” Magnificent nature draws us into itself. We feel more relaxed, more at peace, more tranquil, more at home.

The same thing takes place in a human relationship when you spend time with another person. Perhaps we should change that slogan to: “Let your spouse have you for a day” or “Let your child have you for an afternoon” or “Let your teenager have you for an evening.” In this mode—in a relaxed state of mind—you are, in a sense, letting the other have his or her way with you. Now I’m not talking about compromising principles or becoming soft and permissive and indulging someone else’s lower nature whims. What I am talking about is being “completely present” with another person, about transcending your own personal interests and concerns and fears and needs and ego, about being fully with your husband, wife, son, or daughter, and allowing that person to have his or her interests and goals expressed or worked on, subordinating your agenda to the other’s.

Times such as these have been so meaningful and so pivotal in our family life that I would say, without doubt, that the second most absolutely foundational family structure to create is these one-on-one bonding times. These one-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul. This is where the most significant sharing, the most profound teaching, the deepest bonding takes place.

One-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul.

As the late Dag Hammarskjöld, past secretary general of the United Nations, has said, “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” One-on-one bonding times provide the opportunity for you to give yourself to the one.

One-on-Ones in a Marriage

There is no way I can describe the value of private time with Sandra. For many years the two of us have shared some time together each day. When we’re both in town, we go for a ride on our Honda Scooter. We spend time away from children, away from phones, away from office and home and other people and everything else that might divert us or distract us. We ride up into the foothills and just talk. We share what’s going on in our lives. We discuss any issues or concerns. We role-play situations in the family that we need to address and resolve. And when we can’t be together, we talk on the telephone—often several times a day. That rich communication, that bonding, builds our marriage and strengthens it so that we go into the family arena with deep love and respect for each other and with a tremendous sense of unity that helps us pull together instead of apart.

We have some married friends who enjoy one-on-one time together in a different way. Every Friday night they arrange for their children to be cared for while they spend several hours together just focused on building their relationship. They go out to dinner, to a movie, or to a play, or just take a hike in the mountains and photograph wildflowers. And they have done this for nearly thirty years. They also go on a “retreat” together once or twice or year. They often use frequent-flyer miles and go to California, where they walk barefoot on the beach, watch the waves, review their marriage mission statement, and work on their goals for the coming year. And then they go back into their family life renewed and refocused. They feel so strongly about the value of this one-on-one time in their marriage that they sometimes tend their grandchildren so that their married children and their spouses can also have this special renewing time together.

This kind of “retreat” time is vital to a marriage and a family. There is a tremendous need for husbands and wives to sit down together and carefully plan or, in a sense, mentally or spiritually create their own future. Planning isn’t easy. It requires thinking, and many of us are so busy following hectic schedules, being tyrannized by the telephone, and meeting small crises that we go for long periods without any deep, meaningful communication with our husband or wife. Yet planning is of overwhelming significance in any endeavor of life, and certainly it must be in the most important endeavor: successfully raising a family. It must play a vital, central role because it brings enormous benefits. When a couple comes together to work through matters in their shared stewardship—particularly in dealing with children—it opens the flood-gates to synergy, insight, and strengthened resolve. The insights are more profound and the solutions more practical and workable—and the entire process is enormously bonding and unifying to the relationship.

There is a tremendous need for husbands and wives to sit down together and carefully plan or, in a sense, mentally or spiritually create their own future.

In doing the research for this book, I’ve found that many couples find different ways to have regular, meaningful one-on-one time together. A mother with older children shared this:

Three to four nights a week our kids tuck us in. We go to our room an hour before the kids go to bed. That’s when we unwind. We talk together. Sometimes we listen to music or watch TV. We share our experiences at work. We talk through issues in the family. We help balance each other out.

This together time makes a huge difference in our family life. When we get home from work, we no longer let our needs supersede the children’s needs. We just kind of let ourselves go, because we know that when 10:30 comes, we’ll have our time together. So we just focus on the family and the kids and getting the house picked up and the laundry done and the dog fed, because we know that at the end of the day, we’re going to have some quality time together.

And the kids understand and do not interfere with that time. Unless it’s something really important, they never knock. They don’t call. They don’t try to get in. And they never complain because they know what this time means to us as a couple. And they know that if we’re a strong couple, we’re going to have a stronger family.

For us, this works better than going out on a date where there are things that interfere with your private time—a waiter, people you run into, and so on. This is more than a date, it’s a commitment to a true reuniting on a daily basis—a reaffirming of why we are together, why we fell in love, why we chose each other.

I think to remind yourself of that daily is probably the greatest gift any couple can give each other. You get into a routine. You get so busy and focused on other things that as time goes by you don’t even realize what you’re missing. But time together like this reunites you and reminds you of what you are missing.

And you don’t let it die. You just don’t.

In my own family I’ve noticed that my one-on-one time with Sandra strengthens the entire family tremendously. As someone said, “The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.” The strength of this bonding in the marriage creates a sense of security in the entire family. This is because the most significant relationship in the family by far is that of husband and wife. The quality of that relationship truly governs the quality of family life. And even when there have been problems and a breaking of that relationship, it is very important that the parents are civil toward each other and that one never attacks the other in front of the children or even behind the children’s backs. The “vibes” get out, and children will take it personally. They will identify—particularly if they are young and impressionable.

“The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.”

I remember one time revealing my dislike for a particular person, and my six-year-old son Joshua immediately said to me, “Dad, do you like me?” In other words, he was saying, “If you are capable of that attitude or sentiment toward that person, you are also capable of it toward me. And I want the reassurance that you don’t feel that way.”

Children get much of their sense of security from the way their mother and father treat each other. So building the marriage relationship will have a powerful effect on the entire family culture.

One-on-Ones with Children

It’s also vital to spend one-on-one time with each child for which the child usually writes the agenda. This means time between one parent and one child. Remember, as soon as a third person is introduced, the dynamic changes. And it may be appropriate at times to have that dynamic change. Both mother and father may spend time with one child, or two children may spend time with one parent. Generally, however, the basic relationship-building time is one-on-one. Doing this well and often strikes at the root of sibling rivalry.

One-on-ones with children include private visits, private dates, private teaching moments, and private times together in which the full emotional and social dynamic is deepened and there develops a sense of unconditional love, of positive regard and respect that does not change, is never altered. These special bonding times build the assurance that when troubles and problems come along, the relationship can be depended on, relied on. They help to create a changeless core that—along with changeless principles—enables people to live with constant external change.

Catherine (daughter):

I remember when I was ten years old and loved Star Wars. It was everything to me. So when my turn came for a one-on-one date with my dad, I wanted to see Star Wars, even though I’d already seen it four times.

The thought crossed my mind that this might be a problem because my dad might prefer getting his teeth pulled than having to watch science fiction. But when he asked me what I wanted to do with him that night, it was my agenda he had in mind—not his. “We’ll do anything you want to do, Catherine,” he said. “It’s your night.”

To a ten-year-old, this sounded like a dream come true: a night alone with my father and seeing my favorite movie, too. So I told him about the plan. I could sense a slight hesitation before he said with a smile, “Star Wars! Sounds great! You can explain it to me.” And away we went.

As we settled down in our theater seats, popcorn and candy in hand, I remember feeling so important to my father. When the music began and the lights dimmed, I began my soft explanation. I told him about “the force” and how it was good. I told him about the empire and how it was evil. I told him that this was the saga of the never-ending battle between these amazing powers. Throughout the movie I explained the planets, the creatures, the droids, the spaceships—anything that seemed foreign or strange to my dad. He sat in silence, nodding his head and listening.

After the show, we went for ice cream, and I continued my explanation of the movie with all the emotion of my heart, all the while answering the many questions my dad threw at me.

At the end of the evening he thanked me for going on a private date with him and for opening up his mind to the world of science fiction. As I was falling asleep that night in my bed, I openly thanked God for giving me a father who cared, who listened, and who made me feel important to him. I never knew whether or not he liked Star Wars the way I did, but I did know that he loved me. And that’s all that mattered.

Nothing communicates the value you place on a child or your relationship with that child more than giving your time to the child.

One woman told us her greatest childhood memory was her father taking her out to a McDonald’s breakfast every other week for almost ten years. He would then drop her off at school before going to work.

A mother of five sons shared her insights about the deep bonding that resulted from consistent one-on-ones with a son:

The other day I took my twenty-two-year-old son Brandon out to lunch. As we ate together, we started talking about a number of things in his life, including his classes at school, his and his wife’s plans for the future, and so on. Through the process he jokingly said, “Mom, I really don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!”

I said, “Well, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, either! Life changes as you go along, but sometimes you just have to focus on one thing and remain open to the possibility of change.”

We had a great discussion brainstorming possibilities for his future and ended up with ideas he had never considered before: getting a degree in international business and a minor in Portuguese and doing business in Brazil.

We had a wonderful time just being together and sharing, and as I thought about it later, I realized that this was something that didn’t just happen. As a result of writing my personal mission statement years ago, I decided to set a goal of having special one-on-one time with each of my sons during the month. I started this tradition when they were in elementary school, and I certainly wasn’t perfect in doing it. But it has really made a difference in our relationships. I don’t think there is any way I could have had this kind of one-on-one time with my son when he was twenty-two if we hadn’t started doing it when he was younger. This is something we’ve developed together and feel comfortable with as we go through life with each other.

I have come to realize that as kids get older, parents need to make the transition from being “the parent” to being a best friend. My one-on-ones with my children through the years have made that transition much, much easier because we have a friendship already.

Many one-on-ones can be scheduled on your family calendar. But this woman also observed that you can’t always plan ahead for quality one-on-one time.

In addition to our planned one-on-ones, there were times when my husband or I could tell that one of our sons was a little on edge. As parents, we’d try to pick up on that and arrange time to talk. Usually Dave would take him fishing or I would take him to lunch. Dave and I tried to take turns. We didn’t both go because we didn’t want our boys to feel that their parents were ganging up on them.

When our boys felt comfortable, they would usually share what was on their minds. Sometimes it was something that was happening with the other boys that they didn’t like. Sometimes it was a problem at school—they felt a particular teacher didn’t like them or they were behind in their homework and didn’t know how to make it up.

We’d say, “Would you like to go back home and discuss it? Would you like us to help you with this?” It was always their decision. We recognized that they needed to learn how to make decisions and fix things for themselves. But we also realized that everyone needs someone to talk to, to give additional perspective, to help with exploring options.

This is not something you can always plan. It has to be in you. It has to be part of your heart. It has to come naturally out of being a kind, caring parent who can look at your children and realize that things are not okay and that you need to spend some one-on-one time. Your child needs you.

The most important thing is that family comes first, no matter what. We are convinced that if we put family first, we won’t have the crises in our family that take months, even years of trying to fix. We’ll nip it in the bud, right at the beginning.

Notice that even more than a matter of scheduling, prioritizing the family is a way of thinking. It’s constantly reconnecting with the importance of family, and acting based on that value rather than reacting to whatever is happening at the moment.

“I Don’t Care How Much You Know Until I Know How Much You Care”

I will never forget an experience I had with one of our daughters during one of our one-on-one times. She seemed very cross, very irritable, and had been acting that way toward everyone in the house. When I asked her what was wrong, she’d say, “Oh, nothing.”

One of the ground rules Sandra and I have in our one-on-ones with the children is that we always let them talk about whatever they want to talk about for as long as they want to talk. They can beef about something, they can complain or moan to their heart’s content, and we can’t give any advice unless they ask for it. In other words, as parents we simply seek to understand.

So I just listened. As a young adult, this daughter looked back on that experience and wrote the following:

Cynthia (daughter):

When I was five years old, my parents moved to Belfast, Ireland, for three years. I picked up on my playmates’ Irish accent, and when I returned to third grade, I had a strong Irish brogue.

Because I had lived in Ireland, I hadn’t learned to play American games such as kick the can, baseball, capture the flag, or jump rope rhymes, and I felt very out of it. I could sense the kids in my class thought I was different because they couldn’t understand me, and I didn’t know how to play any of the games they had been playing for years.

My teacher stuck me in speech therapy to get rid of my accent and tried to help me catch up academically because I lagged far behind. I was having trouble especially in math but was afraid to admit that I didn’t know some of the basics. I didn’t want to stand out any more, and I longed to be accepted and have friends.

Instead of asking for help in math, I discovered that all the answers to our worksheets were on cards in the back of the room. I began sneaking those cards out and then copying the answers without being caught. It seemed for a time all my problems were solved. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but it seemed to me the end justified the means. I began getting attention from the teacher and other students for doing so well. In fact, I was presented as the model student who worked hard, finished my work quickly, and consistently scored the highest in the class.

It was wonderful for a while because I was popular and a lot of kids liked me. But my conscience kept after me because I knew I had betrayed myself and what my parents had always taught me about honesty. I wanted to stop. I was so ashamed of cheating. But now I was in a trap and didn’t know how to get out of it without totally humiliating myself. I had to keep cheating because the teacher expected me to do well every time now. I was miserable, and the problem seemed insurmountable to an eight-year-old with no way out.

I knew I should tell my parents what was happening, but I was too embarrassed because I was the oldest. I began acting out at home, losing my temper easily because of the pressure of dealing with this problem alone. My parents told me later that they could sense something was very wrong in my life, but they didn’t know what it was.

In Ireland, we had started the practice of having “private interviews” with a parent once a month. This was a time when we could talk about anything we wanted, complain about home duties or unfairness shown, talk about our friends or anything that interested us, give ideas for activities, share problems, or whatever. The rule was that Mom or Dad could only listen—not talk or criticize, or give advice or suggestions without being invited to. We all looked forward to our private interviews.

During one of these interviews, my dad let me go off about some injustice I felt my parents dealt me without defending himself or getting angry. He could sense that wasn’t the real problem, and he just let me talk. Finally, when I felt accepted and not condemned, I cautiously started to open up a little to sense his reaction. He asked if things were going well in school and if I was happy there. Defensively, I blurted out, “If you only knew, you’d think I was terrible! I can’t tell you about it.”

For a few minutes he affirmed his unconditional love and acceptance of me, and I felt his sincerity. I had opened up on other occasions about things without rebuke, and so I felt I could trust him with the awful truth.

Suddenly it just blurted from me, and I found myself crying and yelling, “I’M CHEATING IN MATH!” Then I fell into his arms. It was such a relief to get it out, even though I couldn’t see a solution and feared the consequences. I had shared my terrible secret with my father, and I still felt his love and support of me in spite of it.

I remember him saying, “Oh, how awful for you to have had this inside you for so long! I wish you had told me so I could have helped you.” He asked if he could call my mother into the room, and then I told them the whole story. I saw no way out, but amazingly enough they helped me work out a solution that would not totally humiliate me. We would go together to the teacher. I would get a sixth grader to help me with my math.

They affirmed me and understood what happened, and to this day I can still feel the relief of that moment. Who knows what pattern I would have established in my life and what road I would have taken if I had continued in my dishonesty. But I was able to share my problem with parents who had already established a relationship of trust and a track record of consistent love and encouragement. They had made such huge deposits over the years that my large withdrawal did not leave me totally bankrupt. Instead, that day I collected interest.

I often think back to that experience, and I wonder what would have happened if I had been so busy, so rushed, so anxious to get to an appointment or to get on to something “more important” that I didn’t take the time to really listen. What more would that daughter have gone through? What different choices might she have made?

I’m so grateful, at least in that circumstance, that we had set aside the time to be together, to focus on the relationship. That one hour together made a profound difference in both our lives.

One of the greatest opportunities of being a parent is to teach children the principles that will ultimately bring them the greatest happiness and success in life. But you can’t do that without the relationship. “I don’t care how much you know until I know how much you care.”

Jenny (daughter):

One of my favorite memories of one-on-one time with my dad was during the summer of 1996. Every morning Dad would wake me up at 6:00 and we would go biking on an upper mountain road together. We would spend a full hour riding alongside each other, talking things over and telling stories. He would teach me so many things, and I could tell him anything. We would end the morning by watching the sun rise and drinking water from a fresh spring. I often reflect on those rides and remember how wonderful it was.

One-on-one bonding times give you the opportunity to build that relationship, that Emotional Bank Account, so that you can teach. Sandra and I have found that when we take one child aside from the others, go where there is some privacy, and give full attention—when we are completely present—we are amazed how effective our teaching, discipline, or communication can be. But when out of a sense of time pressure and practical necessity we attempt to teach, discipline, or correct when others are present, we are amazed at how ineffective we usually are.

I am convinced that many children know what they should do, but their minds are not made up to do it. People don’t act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.

Put the Big Rocks in First

These weekly family times and one-on-ones are vital—even foundational—in dealing with fundamental family needs, in building Emotional Bank Accounts, and in creating the entire culture in the family.

So how do you do it? How do you manage your time to have a weekly family time and regular, meaningful one-on-one bonding times with the members of your family?

I’d like to ask you to use your imagination for a moment. Imagine that you’re standing behind a table, and on this table is a large openmouthed jar that is almost completely filled with small pebbles. On the table beside the jar are several large-fist-sized rocks.

Now suppose that this jar represents the next week of your life. Let the pebbles in the jar represent all the things you’d normally do. Let the big rocks represent family time and one-on-ones and other things that are really important to you—maybe things such as exercising or working on a family mission statement or just having fun together. Make the rocks represent things that in your heart of hearts you know you really should do but at this point haven’t been able to “fit into” your schedule.

As you stand behind this table, imagine that your task is to fit in as many of the big rocks as you possibly can. You begin to work at it. You try to force the big rocks into the jar. But you’re able to get only one or two in. So you take them out again. You look at all the big rocks. You study their size. You look at their shape. You realize that maybe if you choose different rocks, you could get more of them in. So you try again. You work at it and rearrange things until you’re finally able to fit three big rocks into the jar. But that’s it. As hard as you try, that’s all you can fit in.

How do you feel? You look at the jar. It’s full to the brim, and you have all these really important things—including these family things—that aren’t getting done. And it’s the same thing every week. Maybe it’s time to consider a different approach.

Suppose you take out those three big rocks. Suppose you get another container, and you pour all the pebbles into it. And then you put the big rocks in first!

Now how many of those rocks are you going to fit in? A lot more, for sure. And when you have the jar full of big rocks, then you can pour the pebbles in over them. And look how many of them will still fit in!

The point is this: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, they hardly ever get in at all! The key is to put the big rocks in first.

Cynthia (daughter):

Dad was out of town quite a bit while I was growing up, but we did more together as a family than most. I had more one-on-one time with him than any of my friends whose fathers had nine-to-five jobs.

I think there were two reasons. One was that he always planned ahead. He really believed in being proactive, in making it happen, in beginning with the end in mind. At the first of every school year he always wanted to know, “When are the boys’ football games? When are the girls’ scheduled activities?” And he hardly ever missed anything important. He was rarely out of town on family night. He was always home on the weekends so that we could do activities and go to church together.

There were times when people would say, “Oh, your dad’s out of town again!” But a lot of my friends whose parents worked nine to five would sit in front of the TV at night and not even communicate.

I realize now the work it took for us to have family time together—to have family devotionals, family prayers, family activities. With a hectic job and nine kids in five different schools, my parents really had to fight for it. But they did. The bottom line is that it was important to them, and so they wrestled with it and figured out how to do it.

I think the second reason for our time together was the rules. You don’t go anywhere on Sunday—that’s a family day and a church day. You never miss Monday night—that’s family night. We’d usually do something as a family on one weekend night. It was just kind of required. And sometimes as teenagers we’d resent it a little bit. But it was kind of accepted as part of the culture, and after a while we didn’t fight it.

My early experiences of feeling the pain and frustration of not prioritizing some of our children’s plays and ball games and other important activities led me to get into the habit of always trying to put the big rocks in first. At the beginning of each school year, Sandra and I have pressed the schools for calendars of events that may involve our children and grandchildren. We’ve placed high priority on scheduling and being at our children’s events. We’ve also encouraged our children to attend each other’s events. With almost fifty people (children, spouses, and grandchildren) in the family now, we can’t go to every activity. But we do what we can and always try to communicate to all family members how important they and their activities are to us. We also plan major family vacations two, three, or even four years in advance. And family nights and one-on-one time continue to be held sacred in our home.

We have found that there is nothing to compare with the happiness that has come from making family a priority. With many pressures in our lives to do otherwise, it’s not always easy to do these things. But it is much, much harder not to! When you don’t put the advance prevention time in building relationships and investing in unifying and organizing the family, you spend much more time later trying to repair broken relationships, save marriages, or influence children who are being powerfully pulled by social forces outside the family.

To those who would say, “We don’t have time to do these kinds of things!” I would say, “You don’t have time not to!” The key is to plan ahead and be strong. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

And when you really do put those big family rocks in first, you begin to feel this deep sense of inner peace. You’re not constantly feeling tom between family and work. In fact, you will find there’s actually more of you to contribute in other places because of it.

To those who would say, “We don’t have time to do these things!” I would say, “You don’t have time not to!” The key is to plan ahead and be strong.

Commitment to these family structures brings life to the principles of effective family living. It creates a beautiful family culture that enables you not to be seduced by the popular culture’s system of extrinsic rewards. When you’re on the periphery and don’t actually experience this beautiful family culture, it’s easy to become distracted, to be pulled in other directions. But when you’re in the middle of it, your only question is “How could there possibly be anything better?”

Organizing Around Roles

Instead of just selecting activities, Sandra and I have found that one of the best ways to put the big rocks in first in our lives is to organize around our most important roles—including our family roles—and to set goals in each of these roles each week. Some weeks, one or two goals will be so consuming that we make the decision not to set goals in other roles. For example, when Sandra spends a week helping one of our daughters with a new baby, that means she chooses not to do any public speaking, community service, or extra projects around the home that week. But it’s a consciously made decision, and she feels peaceful knowing that the following week she will look at each of her roles and set goals again. We’ve found that by using “roles and goals,” our lives are much more balanced. Each role is attended to, and we’re less likely to get overwhelmed by the urgency of all the day-to-day pressures.*

A Quick Look Back and Ahead

Now before we move on, let’s take a moment to look back and think in a larger sense about Habits 1, 2, and 3.

Habit 1—Be proactive—is the most fundamental decision of all. It determines whether you’re going to be responsible or a victim.

If you make the decision to be responsible—to take initiative, to be the creative force of your life—then the most primary decision facing you is what is your life about. This is Habit 2—Begin with the end in mind—which is creating your family mission statement. This is what is called a strategic decision because every other decision will be governed by it.

Habit 3, then—Put first things first—becomes secondary or tactical. It deals with how to make those first things happen. We have primarily focused on two main structural interventions in a world where “outside in” fails: the weekly family time and one-on-one bonding experiences between members of the family. When outside-in worked, such structures weren’t as necessary because they were happening naturally all the time. But the more society is extracted from nature, the more we see the globalization of technology and markets that change the whole economic picture, the more we see the secularization of the culture away from principles, the more we see the erosion of laws and the social will driving the political will to where elections become more and more popularity contests based on sound bites and camera opportunities—the more we must be strong and decisive in creating and using new structures to keep us on track.

As you think about implementing these habits in your family, I want to remind you again that you are the expert on your family, and you alone know your situation.

During a recent visit to Argentina, I talked with parents who had gathered from all over Latin America to attend a conference. I asked them for feedback on the ideas in this book. The feedback was very positive and supportive, but these parents didn’t relate to the formalizing of a weekly family time and one-on-ones. They live in a very family-oriented culture, and for them almost every night is “family time” and one-on-ones are a natural part of daily life.

But with other families, the idea of developing a family mission statement and creating new structures of a weekly family time and planned one-on-one bonding experiences is totally off their screen. They don’t want any form or structure in their lives. Perhaps they are angry and rebelling against the structures they already have in their lives—structures that they feel have suppressed the full sense of freedom and individuality they value. Those structures may be so filled with negative energy and judgments that any other structure is guilty by association. There’s just too much social and psychic baggage.

If this is your situation, you may still want to prioritize your family. You may recognize some value in a family mission statement and some of these structures but feel that doing some of these things is just going too far for now. That’s okay. Start where you are. Don’t lay a big guilt trip on yourself about the necessity of all this interdependence if you’re not ready to move in this direction.

You may want to start by simply applying some of these ideas in your own life. Perhaps all you feel you can do is make some promise and keep it, or select some simple goal and go for it. This may be sufficient structure for you at this time. Later, you may come to feel that you can take on another, little larger task or goal and then go for that. Eventually, by making and keeping promises, your sense of honor will become greater than your moods or any baggage you may carry with you. Then you will find you can move out into entirely new arenas—including working toward these interdependent activities such as creating a family mission statement, holding weekly home evenings, and having special one-on-one bonding experiences.

Eventually, by making and keeping promises, your sense of honor will become greater than your moods or any baggage you may carry with you.

The key is to recognize where you are and to start where you are. You can’t do calculus until you understand algebra. You can’t run before you can walk. Some things of necessity come ahead of other things. Be patient with yourself. Even be patient with your own impatience.

Now, you may be saying, “But my situation is different! It’s just too difficult, too challenging. There is no way I can do these things!” If so, I encourage you to think about the experience of Admiral James B. Stockdale as related in his book A Vietnam Experience. A prisoner in Vietnam for several years, Admiral Stockdale tells of how American POWs living in solitary confinement and completely isolated from one another for long periods were able to develop a social will that was powerful enough to enable them to create their own culture with their own rules and norms and communication process. Without interacting verbally, they were able to establish communication with one another by tapping on walls and using wires. They were even able to teach this communication to new prisoners who were brought in and didn’t know the code.

Admiral Stockdale wrote:

The Communist Regime put each of us in solitary confinement in an attempt to sever our ties with one another and with our cultural heritage. This hits hard after a few months—particularly a few months of intermittent torture and extortion. In fits of depression, a man starts seeing the bottom of the barrel and realizes that unless he gets some structure, some ritual, some poetry into his life he is going to become an animal.

In these conditions, clandestine encrypted tap and flash codes get improvised and start linking lives and dreams together. Then comes the need for common practice and united resistance, and in due course if things are working right, codified law commences to emanate from the senior prisoner’s cell. The communication network strengthens the bonds of comradeship as over the months and years a body politic of common customs, common loyalties, common values take shape.26

Just think about it: They hardly even saw one another. Yet through the brilliant use of their four gifts, these prisoners built a civilization—a powerful culture of unbelievable social will. They created a sense of social responsibility and accountability so that they were able to encourage and help one another through incredibly difficult times.

There is so much truth to the expression, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!”

Though less dramatic, consider how you could use family times and one-on-one times to create the same kind of powerful bonding and social will in the family.

Catherine (daughter):

My mother loved the arts, and she enjoyed planning trips to the ballet, the symphony, the opera, or any other play or performance in town. Tickets for these events were usually top priority, and came well before money was spent on movies, junk food, or just plain goofing off. At times, I remember complaining that all this culture wasn’t doing any good. But as I look back on those experiences, I realize how wrong I was.

I’ll never forget one experience I had with my mother that changed my life forever. We had a Shakespearean festival near our community, and one day my mother announced that she had bought us all tickets to see Macbeth. At the time, this meant nothing to me, because I was only eleven and completely unacquainted with Shakespeare.

On the night of the play, we all piled into our car and headed toward the theater. I distinctly remember the snide remarks that were made that night about how we were all too tired to pay attention. We asked, “Couldn’t we just go to a movie?”

But my mother only smiled as she patiently drove on, knowing secretly that the incredible talent of “the Bard” would do her full justice. And it did! I can’t ever remember a time when the emotions of the universe all seemed so vividly clear to me as they did that night. The dark secrets of Macbeth and his wife haunted me throughout the play as the innocence of my youth slipped away. Yet in its place, an understanding and an epiphany that only Shakespeare could have penned opened my heart and spoke to me. I immediately knew that my life would never be the same, for I had discovered something that touched me so deeply that I knew I could not reverse its effects even if I had wanted to.

As we drove home from the theater that night, we were all silently bonded in a way I can never explain. My mother’s love for the beautiful things of the world has been passed on to me and my children, and I can never thank her enough for this beautiful gift.

Just think of the power of this bonding, this creation of the social will, this spirit of “we” in the family! How to further develop that spirit of “we” in the family will be our focus as we move into Habits 4, 5, and 6.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS

Prioritize the Family

• Ask family members: How important is family to us? How much time did we spend last week doing family activities? How do we feel about it? Are we making family a priority in our lives?

• Review the material here. Discuss together: What are the forces in society that tend to destroy the family? How can we overcome these forces?

• Discuss the idea of family time and one-on-ones. Ask: How could a weekly family time be helpful to our family? How could it promote planning? Teaching? Problem-solving? Having fun together? Discuss making the commitment to hold a weekly family time. Work together to generate a variety of ideas for family time activities.

• Talk about one-on-one bonding times. Encourage individuals to share special one-on-one times they’ve had with other family members. Consider: What bonding time would you like to plan for in your marriage? With your children?

• Review the “big rocks” demonstration here and try this experiment with your family. Discuss what the “big rocks” are for each individual and for the family as a whole.

For Further Thought

• Discuss this idea: “This is perhaps the greatest role of parenting: helping children connect with their own gifts—particularly conscience.” How can you help your child connect with his or her four unique human gifts?

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN

Some Fun Activities

• Sit down with your family and schedule family activities for the next month or two. Plan things such as visits to family members, holiday activities, one-on-ones with family members, sports events or performances you want to watch together, and trips to the park. Make sure the children contribute their ideas.

• Visit a relative and point out the importance of valuing each member of your extended family. On the way to this relative’s house, share stories of fun and interesting moments you enjoyed with your family as you grew up.

• Have the children help you make a visual chart to remind them of their chores and also the fun things you will do each week.

• Conduct the big rock demonstration here and ask each child to identify his or her big rocks—the most important things he or she has to do this week. This might include activities such as soccer practice, piano lessons, swimming, attending a friend’s birthday party, and doing homework. You can use walnuts or marshmallows for big rocks and jelly beans for small pebbles, or the children can bring real rocks they have found, painted, or decorated.

• Make a collection of family pictures.

• Make the commitment to hold family times, planning meetings, or activity days. Children will feel greater joy and pride in their family as you review weekly the accomplishments and activities that have taken place and plan for the next week.

• Teach children who can write how to keep track of their activities in a planner of some kind. Also have them schedule times to do special kinds of activities and services to strengthen relationships. Remind them to always bring their planner to family meetings.

• Identify what type of one-on-one activities each family member would enjoy. Schedule one-on-one time with one of your children each week. You could call it “Susan’s special day” or whatever you feel would make it unique.

• Share the story of the “Phantom family” here and decide how you could serve your neighbors and friends in a clever and original way.