HABIT 7
SHARPEN THE SAW

One divorced man shared this experience:

During our first year of marriage, my wife and I spent a lot of time together. We went for walks in the park. We went on bike rides. We went to the lake. We had our own special time, just the two of us, and it was really great.

The turning point came when we moved to a different location and became heavily involved in separate careers. She was working the graveyard shift, and I was working the day shift. Sometimes it would be days before we even saw each other. Slowly, our relationship started disintegrating. She started building her circle of friends, and I started building my circle of friends. We gradually drifted apart because we didn’t build on the friendship we had together.

Entropy

In physics, “entropy” means that anything left to itself will eventually disintegrate until it reaches its most elemental form. The dictionary defines entropy as “the steady degradation of a system or society.”

This happens in all of life, and we all know it. Neglect your body, and it will deteriorate. Neglect your car, and it will deteriorate. Watch TV every available hour, and your mind will deteriorate. Anything that is not consciously attended to and renewed will break down, become disordered, and deteriorate. “Use it or lose it” is the maxim.

Richard L. Evans put it this way:

All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be treated indifferently or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate. All things need attention, care, and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life.1

So also with regard to the family culture: It requires constant deposits into the Emotional Bank Account to just keep it where it is now, because you’re dealing with continuing relationships and continuing expectations. And unless those expectations are met, entropy will set in. The old deposits will evaporate. The relationship will become more stilted, more formal, colder. And to improve it requires new creative deposits.

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Every family must take time to renew itself in the four key areas of life: physical, social, mental, and spiritual.

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Imagine how the entropic effect is multiplied by the pressing environmental forces of the turbulent physical and social weather we’re trying to navigate in. That is why it’s so necessary for every family to take the time to renew itself in the four key areas of life: physical, social, mental, and spiritual.

Imagine for a moment that you’re trying to fell a tree. You’re sawing through this huge, thick tree trunk. Back and forth, back and forth you pull the heavy saw. You’ve been laboring at it all day long. You’ve hardly stopped for a minute. You’ve been working and sweating, and now you’re about halfway through. But you’re feeling so tired that you don’t see how you’re going to last another five minutes. You pause for a minute to catch your breath.

You look up and see another person a few yards away who has also been sawing a tree. You can’t believe your eyes! This person has sawed almost completely through his tree trunk! He started about the same time you did and his tree is about the same size as yours, but he stopped to rest every hour or so while you kept working away. Now he’s almost through, and you’re only halfway there.

“What’s going on?” you ask incredulously. “How in the world have you gotten so much more done than I have? You didn’t even stay with it all the time. You stopped to rest every hour! How come?”

The man turns and smiles. “Yes,” he replies. “You saw me stop every hour to rest, but what you didn’t see was that every time I rested, I also sharpened the saw!”

Sharpening the saw means attending regularly and consistently to renewal in all four dimensions of life. If sharpening the saw is done properly, consistently, and in a balanced way, it will cultivate all the other habits by using them in the renewing activities themselves.

Going back to the airplane metaphor, this habit fulfills the need for constant refueling and maintenance of the plane and for continual upgrading of the training and skill level of the pilots and crew.

I recently had two very instructive experiences—a flight on an F-15 and a visit to the nuclear submarine Alabama. I was amazed by the degree and amount of training those involved were required to have. Even the most veteran professional pilots and seamen constantly practiced the elemental and beginning steps and kept constantly updated on new technology in order to be current and prepared.

The evening before the F-15 flight, I was taken through a complete dressing procedure. I put on the flight suit and was instructed in all aspects of the flight and of emergency procedures should anything go wrong. Everyone went through the procedure regardless of their level of experience. When we landed, those involved put on a twenty-minute drill in arming the plane. This drill demonstrated an amazing level of skill, speed, interdependence, and innovation.

On the nuclear submarine it was evident that training was constant—both in the basics and also in all the new technology and procedures. Those on the sub were constantly upgrading their training and constantly doing maintenance drills.

This level of investment in renewal reaffirmed to me how constant practicing allows for quick reaction in the moment of need. It also seemed to affirm the importance of having a shared end in mind, and it created a strength of purpose that transcended the monotony of the repetition.

Once again I was reminded of the importance and the impact of Habit 7, sharpening the saw, in all aspects of life.

The Power of Interdependent Renewal

There are many ways you and your family can be involved in “sharpening the saw” renewal, both independently and interdependently.

Independently, you can exercise, eat healthy foods, and work on stress management (physical). You can become regularly involved in building friendships, giving service, being empathic, and creating synergy (social). You can read, visualize, plan, write, develop talents, and learn new skills (mental). You can pray, meditate, read inspirational or sacred literature, and renew your connection and commitment to principles (spiritual). Doing something independently every day in each of these four areas will help you build your individual capacity and regenerate your ability to practice Habits 1, 2, and 3 (Be proactive, Begin with the end in mind, Put first things first) in your own life.

Notice that these activities are all intrinsic, not extrinsic; in other words, none of them is based on any form of comparison with other people. All of them develop an intrinsic sense of personal and family worth that is independent of others and of the environment—even though it manifests itself in relationships and in the environment. Also notice how each lies within a personal or family Circle of Influence.

In addition, in a family, any renewal activity done together builds relationships as well. For example, family members who exercise together not only build their individual physical strength and endurance but they also increase bonding through such physical activity. Family members who read together multiply both learning and bonding through discussing, synergizing, and “piggybacking” ideas. Family members who worship and serve together strengthen one another’s faith as well as their own. They become more unified and connected as they join together in a sacred expression of things that are important to them all.

Consider the way in which consistent one-on-one dates with your spouse or child renew the relationship. Precisely because these dates take such commitment and proactive energy—particularly in the face of a dozen other activities you have to juggle—they say how important that person is to you.

Consider the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. When intimacy is more than physical—when it is emotional, social, mental, and spiritual—it can reach dimensions of the human personality and fulfill some of the deepest hungers that lie in both husband and wife in ways that nothing else can. In addition to procreation, that is one of its central purposes. It requires time and patience, respect and careful thought, honest communication and even prayer. But people who neglect the full approach and deal only with the physical side never know the unfathomable level of unity and satisfaction that can be achieved when all four dimensions are involved.

Consider the weekly family time. When it is planned and prepared for, and when everyone is sincerely involved in the teaching of values, in fun activities, sharing talents, prayer, making refreshments, and so forth, then all four dimensions are integrated, expressed, and renewed.

When these kinds of renewing, relationship-building, saw-sharpening activities take place, the whole dynamic of the family culture is upgraded.

The Essence of Family Renewal: Traditions

In a way you could say that in addition to renewing interpersonal family relationships, the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Essentially, that’s what Habit 7 in the family is. These repeating patterns of family renewal are called traditions.

Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family. They help you understand who you are: that you are part of a family that’s a strong unit, that you love one another, that you respect and honor one another, that you celebrate one another’s birthdays and special events, and make positive memories for everybody.

Through traditions you reinforce the connection of the family. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something that’s greater than yourself. You express and show loyalty to one another. You need to be needed, you need to be wanted, and you’re glad to be part of a family. When parents and children cultivate traditions that are meaningful to them, every time they go back to that tradition it renews the emotional energy and bonding of the past.

In fact, if I were to put into one word the essence of building this account and sharpening the saw in all four dimensions in the family, that word would be “traditions.” Just think about how traditions such as weekly family times and one-on-ones regenerate your family in all four areas on an ongoing basis.

In our own family the traditions of family nights and one-on-one dates—particularly when the children write the agenda—have probably been the most enriching, renewing, and powerfully bonding parts of our family life over the years. They’ve sharpened our family’s saw. They’ve kept the culture focused on having fun, on constantly renewing our commitments to our central values, and on listening deeply and expressing fully.

In this chapter we’re going to look at a number of other kinds of sharpening-the-saw traditions. I want to acknowledge at the outset that the traditions we share from our family are those that have been meaningful to us. I realize that you may have other traditions in your family and may not relate to these at all. That’s fine. I’m not trying to teach our way of doing it or suggest that our way is best. I’m simply trying to point out the importance of having some renewing traditions in the family culture, and I’m using some of our own experiences to illustrate this.

You will need to decide what traditions truly represent the spirit of your family culture. The main point is that renewing family traditions will help you create and nurture a beautiful family culture that encourages you to keep on track and keeps family members coming back to the flight plan time and time again. These ideas are shared in the hope that they will stimulate thinking and discussion in your family as to what traditions you want to create or strengthen in your own family culture.

Family Dinners

We all have to eat. The way to the heart, mind, and soul is often through the stomach. It takes careful thought and determination, but it’s possible to organize meaningful mealtimes—times without television, without just gulping something down on the run. And it doesn’t have to take forever, either, particularly if everyone does some part in the preparation and in the cleanup.

Family meals are important—even if you have only one family meal each week and that family meal is essentially the “family time” for the week. If the mealtime is meaningful and fun and well prepared, the family table becomes more of an altar than an eating counter.

Marianne Jennings, professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University, wrote an article in which she observed from her own experience just how vital the kitchen table is to family life. Notice how all four dimensions—physical, social, mental, and spiritual—are involved.

I cut out my wedding dress at the same place where I memorized my spelling words. It was in that same place that I ate Archway cookies each day after school. And it was there that I prepared for my SAT. My husband-to-be was grilled mercilessly in that same spot. Much of what I have learned and hold dear is inextricably intertwined with the kitchen table. This 4-by-6 scratched and worn piece of furniture was a small physical part of my home. Yet as I look back on what we did there, I realize that it was a key to the life I now have.

Each night during my youth it was the kitchen table where I was held accountable for the day’s events. “When is the next report card?” “Did you clean up the mess in the basement?” “Did you practice your piano today?”

If you wanted dinner, you had to accept the accompanying interrogation that would have violated my Miranda rights if I had done something more than attempt to bathe the neighbor’s parakeet. There was no escaping the nightly confrontation with accountability.

But that kitchen table was not just a source of fear, it was my security blanket. No matter how rough the day’s tauntings had been and no matter how discouraged I was over long division, the kitchen table and its adult caretakers were there every night to comfort and support.

The fear generated by the Cuban missile crisis and my fourth air-raid drill in a week disappeared in the daily certainty of a family gathered around that table graced with Del Monte canned peas, cloverleaf rolls, and oleo (margarine). Regardless of the day’s schedule or demands, the kitchen table brought us back together for roll call at 6:00 P.M. every night.

And following my dismal task of doing dishes at a time when automatic dishwashers were country club novelties, I returned to the kitchen table to sweat bullets over homework. I read “Dick, Jane, and Spot” stories aloud to my father, who then did his “homework” while I wrote and rewrote the math tables I carry in my mind even today.

Each morning that table sent me off fed and duly inspected for clean fingernails and pressed Bobbie Brooks. No one left that table without a review of the day’s events and assigned chores. That kitchen table nurtured. It was my constancy amid the insecurities of crooked teeth, more freckles than skin, and geography bees on state capitals.

Years have gone by since my days of Black Watch plaid and white anklets. Life has given me more challenges, joy, and love than I could have fathomed as my legs shook beneath that kitchen table when faced with parental inquiries. When I return to my parents’ home to visit, I find myself lingering after breakfast to enjoy their company around the kitchen table. After dinner, the dishes wait as my father and I discuss everything from the Jackie Onassis estate auction to potty-training.

And then shortly after we restore the kitchen to its spotless pre-dinner state, my children return. We sit together, three generations, as Breyer’s ice cream and Hershey’s syrup melt, drip, and stick to new tiny faces at that old table.

They tell Grandpa of their spelling tests and which word they missed. And Grandpa explains, “Your mother missed the same word. We sat right here and reviewed it. She still got it wrong.”

Perhaps it’s in the genes. Or perhaps it is that kitchen table. That magical simple place where I learned responsibility and felt love and security.

As I struggle each night to get dinner on my kitchen table and round up my children from the four corners of our neighborhood, I wonder why I just don’t send them to their rooms with a chicken pot pie and Wheel of Fortune. I don’t because I am giving them the gift of the kitchen table.

In all the treatises on parenting, in all the psychological studies on child development, and in all the data on self-esteem, this humble key to rearing children is overlooked.

A recent survey revealed that only half of our teenagers eat dinner on a regular basis with their parents. Ninety-eight percent of female high school students who live with their birth parents go on to college. Teenagers who don’t have dinner with their families are four times as likely to have premarital sex.

Last year my daughter said she could only find one other student in her homeroom who had dinner each night at the kitchen table with her family.

They are both honor students. The other kids, my daughter explained, “make something in the microwave and then head to their rooms to watch TV.” They have no company, no questions—just Wheel of Fortune, and the grades to show for it. How sad that not all children’s lives are touched by the miracle of childhood. There’s something about a kitchen table.2

Notice how the traditions around this table are renewing to this woman and her family. They’re physically renewing—but they are mentally, spiritually, and socially renewing as well.

I know one family that builds spiritual renewal into their family dinner by having their mission statement on the wall near their dining table. They often will talk about some aspect of it as they discuss the challenges of the day. A good percentage of families build in spiritual renewal by having prayer before they eat.

Many families also build mental renewal into the family dinner by using it as a time to share the learnings of the day. I know of one family that has “one-minute speeches” during dinner. They give a family member a topic—anything from honesty to the funniest thing that happened that day—and the person speaks for one minute on it. This not only provides interesting conversation and keeps everyone entertained and often “cracking up,” but it also builds mental and verbal skills.

Another family keeps a set of encyclopedias by the dinner table. When anyone asks a question, they look up the answer on the spot. They once had a visitor from Delaware who mentioned that his state was very small.

“How small is it?” someone wondered. So they went to the encyclopedia and discovered that Delaware is two thousand square miles.

“Is that really small?” someone else asked. They looked up some other states. Alabama, they discovered, was about fifty-two thousand square miles—26 times as big as Delaware. Texas was over 131 times as big as Delaware. And, of course, Delaware was a giant compared to Rhode Island, which was only twelve hundred square miles!

There is so much to know! Which state is the Peach State? Does it produce the most peaches? How much can a bird eat in a day compared to its body weight? How big is a whale compared to an elephant?

While it may not be very important for children to know just how big each state is, it is extremely important for them to love learning. And when they find that learning is exciting and that the adults in their life love to learn, they become enthusiastic learners.

There are many things you can do to make dinnertime a time of mental renewal. You can occasionally invite interesting guests to share your meal and conversation. You can play a classical music selection and talk about the work and the life of the composer as you eat. You can borrow a different work of art from the library each week, hang it on the wall by your dining table, and talk about the work and the artist. The very food itself gives you the opportunity to talk about manners, nutrition, or different countries and their cuisines and customs.

Cynthia (daughter):

Mom always felt the dinner hour was really important. We always had dinner together, and everyone was always there. Mom was also really big on educating us during dinner. Two or three nights a week we’d have a theme. She would have some centerpiece, and we would have a discussion, usually correlating with the current holiday or event. On the Fourth of July, for example, she’d read two or three things about Patrick Henry or about the Declaration of Independence. Whatever holiday or special thing was coming up, she would share something educational about it, and then we’d have a family discussion. Sometimes we’d sit there talking for an hour and a half, eating and talking. This got to be really fun when we were in high school and college and could really talk about issues and other things. Those dinner table conversations got us interested in education and in the world.

David (son):

I remember a time when I was going through a difficult time in a relationship with a girl who was not good for me. One night when we were at the dinner table, everyone started talking about people who had not been good for them and how they got out of difficult situations. They shared their feelings about how good it was to get out of those situations.

It was all geared toward me, but I had no idea at the time. I didn’t even know what was going on until later. I just thought it was a family dinner. The comments were good, and they seemed very applicable to my situation. Later I realized what a great thing it was to have this support system of people who genuinely cared about me and my welfare and my success.

Sometimes a family dinner can be expanded to include an additional purpose, such as showing appreciation and giving service.

Colleen (daughter):

One of the things I really enjoyed was our “favorite teacher” dinners. Mom and Dad were very involved in the education process. They knew all our teachers and how we were doing in each class, and they wanted our teachers to know that we appreciated them. So every couple of years Mom would ask each of the children who their favorite teacher was that year. Then she made a list and sent them an invitation to dinner at our house. It was a dress-up dinner. She used her best china and made it really special. Each of us would sit by our teacher and have dinner with him or her. It got to be funny after a while because the teachers knew about this dinner and each year would hope to be the favorite teacher.

Maria (daughter):

I remember one year inviting Joyce Nelson, an English teacher from Provo High. I was twenty-one at the time. Several of us had had her as our teacher, and we all celebrated her. We each told what she had done for us. When my turn came, I said, “I am an English major today because of you. You influenced me to go into English because of the literature we read and what you said and did.” The teachers who were invited were thrilled because teachers usually don’t get that kind of appreciation.

The dinner table gives you the perfect opportunity to create such a renewing tradition because of the food. As one of our daughters said, “It seems as though many important traditions are surrounded by food, food, food. Food is the key. Everyone loves to have good food.” With good food, good company, and good discussion, the family dinner tradition is hard to beat.

Family Vacations

Relaxation and fun are part of our family mission statement, and I know of no more renewing force in a family than a family vacation. Planning for it, anticipating it, and thinking about it—as well as discussing what happened on our last vacation and laughing about the fun times and the dumb times we had—are enormously renewing to our family. Every few years we plan a very special kind of vacation.

Sandra:

In building traditions I have always felt that it’s important to teach children patriotism. Most children learn the Pledge of Allegiance at an early age. They hold their hands over their hearts when the flag goes by. At parades they hear the bands playing the anthems of the Navy, Air Force, and Army. They learn patriotic songs and perform in programs at school celebrating the Fourth of July. I believe they need to know about the men who died in the wars and fought for the principles they believed in. They need to understand how our country began, how the Constitution was written, and the price that was paid by the men who signed the Declaration of Independence.

For many years we talked about the possibility of going to some of the famous historic sites in Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and New York, where many of the events of the American Revolution happened: the Old Church in Boston (where the lantern was held in the window telling of the arrival of the British—“One if by land, two if by sea”), the Freedom Trail, the Liberty Bell, the homes of the famous patriots, the hovels and remaining barracks where George Washington mobilized and trained his hungry, frozen army, and Independence Hall (where the Declaration of Independence was signed).

We talked about and planned this trip for many years. Finally, during America’s bicentennial in 1976, we decided to do it. We rented a motor home, and, armed with books, tapes, music, and information, we set forth. I had recently read the book Those Who Love by Irving Stone. It was the love story of John and Abigail Adams and their great sacrifices and contributions during this period of unrest and revolution. I was uplifted and inspired by their patriotism and devotion to this country. I had the teenagers and older children read it also, knowing that they would feel likewise.

We had only a day and a half in Philadelphia, but we planned accordingly. We saw the Liberty Bell and visited the chambers of the Continental Congress. On the lawns outside the building was an outdoor summer theater presenting 1776, the prize-winning musical reenacting the signing of the Declaration of Independence and making us familiar with the roles of the famous men and women involved—including John and Abigail Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and his wife, Martha, Richard Henry Lee, John Hancock, and George Washington.

The program included these inspiring words: “These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education—lawyers and jurists, merchants, farmers, and large plantation owners, men of means, well educated. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: ‘For the support of this declaration with a firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.’ They gave us an independent America, and they did sacrifice their lives, their fortunes, and their families.”

The location, the music, and the theater all combined to make this an evening we will never forget. Patriotism burned in our hearts. One son said he wanted to be an architect and build a monument to John and Abigail Adams so that no one would ever forget what they did for us. Another wanted to be a musician and write songs in their honor. We were all changed: inspired, uplifted, patriots forever!

There were moments that made our family vacation wonderful! But I have to say that there were also other moments which were … well, less inspiring, to say the least.

We had planned that every morning one of us would drive while the other sat at the table in the motor home with the children, discussing what we would see that day and presenting lessons on important subjects associated with those sights. Our planning was extensive and our spirits high. We were truly psyched for a magnificent four-to-five-week trip around the country.

But in one sense our trip turned out to be the most miserable time we’d ever spent together. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Things were constantly breaking down, and we were all mechanical klutzes and could fix nothing. We probably had only one or two of the discussions we’d planned; instead we spent most of our time repairing things that were broken or trying to get other people to fix them during holiday periods when no one wanted to get involved in repairs.

It was July. The weather was hot and humid. The air conditioner and the generator that drove it were constantly breaking down. We were frequently lost, either searching for campgrounds or finding them filled. We often ended up in the back of a service station or in a church parking lot rather than in the trailer court or beautifully appointed campground we had envisioned.

On the Fourth of July, the air conditioner quit entirely. We pulled into a service station to get some help, but the mechanic said, “We don’t work on anything like that, and particularly on a holiday. In fact, I don’t think you’ll find anyplace in town where you can get any help.” The temperature was 100 degrees and the humidity about 98 percent. We were dripping in sweat. Everyone was close to tears.

Then all of a sudden somebody started to laugh. Then everyone started to laugh. And we laughed so hard we couldn’t stop laughing. We have never laughed that much before or since. We asked the man (who undoubtedly thought we were crazy) for directions to the nearest amusement park. He told us which way to go, and we headed out to have some fun.

During the remainder of the trip we saw some interesting historical sites, but in each area we also sought out the local amusement parks. When we headed home, we were better authorities on the amusement parks of America than on the historical sites. In fact, only one morning on the entire trip did we have the kind of family meeting we had dreamed we would have each day. But we had a glorious time—one we will never forget. We came back renewed—physically, socially, and at least somewhat mentally.

It has always amazed Sandra and me that, despite broken air conditioners, flat tires, mosquitoes, forgotten articles of clothing, arguments over who sat where and what we were going to do, hours-late departures, and myriad other complications, those times together are what our family members remember and talk about.

“Boy, didn’t we have fun that year at Six Flags!”

“Remember the time you thought we were lost?”

“I can’t stop laughing when I think about you falling in the creek that year.”

“Do you remember the look on her face when you dropped that hamburger?”

The added social dimension of “family” makes doing everything more exciting and more fun because you have someone special to share it with. In fact, those family bonds are often even more important than the event itself.

Jenny (daughter):

I remember one time when Dad decided he would take me and my little brother camping. Our family has never been big on camping; in fact, we didn’t know anything about it. But he was determined to make it a good experience.

Absolutely everything went wrong. We burned our tinfoil dinners, and it poured rain throughout the night until our tent collapsed and our sleeping bags were soaked clear through. My dad woke us up around 2:00 A.M., and we gathered up our stuff and headed home.

The next day we laughed—and we continue to laugh—about that “miserable” experience. Despite the disasters, it created a sense of bonding. We went through it together, and we had a common experience we could look back on and talk about.

I know one family who had planned for years to go to Disneyland. They had saved the money and scheduled the time to go. But three weeks before the departure date, a feeling of gloom seemed to settle in their home.

Finally, at dinner one evening, the seventeen-year-old son blurted out, “Why do we have to go to Disneyland?”

This question took the father by surprise. “What do you mean by that?” he replied. Then his eyes narrowed. “Have you and your friends planned something? It seems that nothing we plan in the family is as important to you as being with your friends.”

“It isn’t that,” the son replied, looking down at his plate.

After a moment his sister said softly, “I know what Jed means, and I don’t want to go to Disneyland, either.”

The father sat in stunned silence. Then his wife put her hand on his arm. “Your brother phoned today and told us his children are really sad that we’re going to miss Kenley Creek this year to go to Disneyland. I think that is what’s bothering the children.”

Then everyone started talking. “We want to see our cousins!” they all cried. “That’s more important than going to Disneyland!”

The father replied, “Hey, I want to see the family, too. I’d really like to spend some time with my brothers and sisters, but I thought you all wanted to go to Disneyland. Since we go to Kenley Creek every year, I decided this time we’d do what you wanted to do.”

The seventeen-year-old replied, “So can we change our plans, Dad?”

They did. And everyone was happy.

This father later told me the story of Kenley Creek.

When my father and mother were young, we didn’t have much money. We couldn’t go on vacation to any place that cost a lot. So every year Mom and Dad would pack the wooden grub box with all kinds of food. We’d tie the old canvas tent to the top of the 1947 Ford. All the children would pile in like sardines in a can, and off we would go to the mountains and to Kenley Creek. We did that every year.

After my older brother got married—his wife was sort of a fancy rich girl who had been all over the country on vacations—we didn’t think they would go with us to Kenley Creek. But they did, and she had the time of her life.

One by one we all got married, and every summer at a certain time we would all drive up to Kenley Creek.

The year after Dad died, we wondered if we should go. Mom said that Dad would want us to go and he’d be there with us, so we all went.

The years passed, and each of us had children. Still we all gathered each year at Kenley Creek. Each night under the moonlight of the Kenley Creek sky, my brother would play polkas on his accordion and all the kids would dance with their cousins.

After Mom died, it seemed as if she and Dad came back and sat by the campfire with all of us every year at Kenley Creek, in the quiet of the mountain evenings. With the eyes of our hearts we could see them smile as they watched the grandkids dance and eat the watermelon that had been cooled in the cold waters of the stream.

Our time at Kenley Creek always renewed us as a family. We loved one another more and more as the years went by.

Any family vacation can be a great renewing experience, but many families—including our own—have found an added dimension of renewal in going back to the same place year after year.

In our family the place is a cabin at Hebgen Lake in Montana, about twenty miles outside West Yellowstone. Spending part of the summer there is a tradition started by my grandfather some forty-five years ago. He had a heart attack, and in order to recuperate, he went to Snake River and then to Hebgen Lake. That area was the best medicine for him. He started with a cabin on the river, and then he put a trailer and later a cabin by the lake. Every summer after that he went there, and he always invited his family to go with him. There are several cabins up there now, and at least five hundred descendants go there regularly.

The word “Hebgen” has become something of an intergenerational family mission statement. It means family love, unity, service, and joy to each of us in the family. At Hebgen the children and grandchildren learned to run on the scalding sand, catch frogs under the dock, build sand castles on the shores of the lake, swim in the ice-cold glacier waters, catch rainbow trout, spot moose drinking at the shore of the meadow, play volleyball on the beach, and follow bear tracks. It’s been the scene for many late-night bonfires, singing around the fire, summer romances, the Playmill Theater, shopping in West Yellowstone, and enjoying the beautiful green forests and starry nights. Up until ten years ago, there was no telephone or television there. I’m even wondering now whether we ought to go back to those “good old days.”

Stephen (son):

When I was younger, we used to spend three weeks every summer at Hebgen. It was so enjoyable, I used to wish I could be there all summer. I especially remember the opportunities it gave me to spend time with one or both of my parents or one of my brothers or sisters. We’d do anything from fishing to riding motorcycles, from water-skiing to canoeing. It was just natural to pair up and do things together. And everybody loved it. You’d miss anything but Hebgen.

Sean (son):

I remember going to Hebgen one year when I was in college. The football season was starting in just a couple of weeks. There was a lot of pressure coming. So one morning I went up to a place our family named Prayer Rock. It’s a big rock on the hill that overlooks the entire lake. The sun was just coming up, and there was a cool breeze. The lake was beautiful. I spent several hours up there just gathering myself, bracing myself for the season coming up. I felt that this was kind of my last moment of peace before the onslaught of war. Many times during the season—when it was wild and hectic and there was so much pressure—I would visualize that scene of being on top of the mountain, being calm and peaceful. It steadied me. It was, in a sense, kind of like returning home.

Joshua (son):

Since I’m the youngest at home, Mom always uses me to help carry out her family schemes, projects, and traditions.

Among other things I get drafted to help out with the traditional Pirate Treasure Hunt that takes place at our family vacation every summer in Hebgen Lake. We sneak into West Yellowstone and “raid” the dollar stores, buying all kinds of small dollar items to fill our pirate’s chest. We get balls, Slinkies, magic ink, bear bells, Indian canoes, plastic handcuffs, rabbit foot chains, rubber knives, bow-and-arrow sets, coin purses, Yo-yo’s, slingshots, Indian bead jewelry—something for everyone. Then the chest is loaded, wrapped in huge black garbage bags, and piled into the boat—along with shovels, a pirate flag, and handwritten clues burned at the edges to look old and authentic (another one of my jobs).

After beaching the boat on what we call Goat Island, we search for a place on the beach to bury the treasure. We cover the hiding place with clean sand and throw brush on it so that it looks untouched. Finally, we run all over the island leaving clues in trees and shrubs and under rocks. Then we scatter coins—pennies, nickels, dimes, and even silver dollars—for the little kids to find.

Half dead, we return to the mobs of kids at the beach, waving an old battered pirate flag with its black skull and bones logo and hysterically screaming (that’s Mom’s job) that we scared off some pirates who left their buried treasure behind.

Everyone—kids, grownups, and dogs—piles into boats, canoes, dinghies, inner tubes, and Ski-Doos and invades the island. We scramble and run from clue to clue until the treasure is discovered, the loot is distributed, and the tradition is complete.

These kinds of traditional vacations seem to give an added sense of stability and connection. And it’s great if you can return to one place year after year.

But, again, it isn’t so much where you go as that you’re together and doing things that create strong family ties. The tradition of family vacations builds renewing memories that, as someone put it, “bloom forever in the garden of the heart.”

Birthdays

One year when our son Stephen had started a new job, his wife, Jeri, gave him a very unusual birthday gift. She said:

Because of moving, buying a house, paying off school debts, starting a new and challenging job, and other pressures of life, my husband was under tremendous stress. I knew the best way to reduce this stress was for him to be around his brother David. No one made him relax more. They were crazy together! They always had so much fun.

So for Stephen’s birthday I bought an airplane ticket for David to come and be with him for the weekend. I kept this gift as a surprise, telling my husband we would attend a professional basketball game that was scheduled on his birthday, and sometime during the game I would give him a very special gift.

About halftime, his beloved brother arrived, announcing, “Surprise, I’m your birthday present,” to the amazement of my husband.

For the next twenty-four hours these two had the most wonderful celebration—laughing, playing, and talking nonstop. I just stayed out of their way. I have never seen such pure fun as they generated together.

When David left, it was as if he took all the stress with him, and my husband was completely renewed.

Birthdays can be a wonderful time to express love and affirm family members—to celebrate the fact that they’re here and part of your family. And traditions around birthdays can be very renewing.

In our own family, birthdays are tremendously important. Over the years we haven’t really had birthdays, we’ve had birth weeks. For the entire week we would try to focus on letting our children know how special they are to us. We would have rooms decorated with signs and balloons, presents at breakfast, a “friend” party, a special dinner out with Mom and Dad, and dinner with the extended family, complete with the person’s favorite meal, favorite cake, and compliments:

“I love Cynthia because she is so spontaneous. She’ll go to a movie with you at the drop of a hat.”

“Maria is so well read that whenever you need a quote, you just have to call her up and ask her, and she’ll come up with four or five excellent things to choose from.”

“One of the things I like about Stephen is that he’s not only a good athlete but he’s happy when he helps other people become good athletes. He’s always willing to spend the time to show you how to improve or teach you some fundamental.”

Colleen (daughter):

To tell you the truth, that was one bummer about getting married. I woke up on my first birthday after I was married, and there were no balloons. The house wasn’t even decorated! There were no birthday posters. I told my husband I missed my mom’s decorations, so the next year—and every year since—he’s gone all out to make my birthday nice.

I’ve even known of extended family members who have gone out of their way to make sure that birthdays are recognized and celebrated.

Two single sisters shared this experience:

Our nieces and nephews (three, five, eleven, and fourteen) all love our birthday traditions. On the Saturday morning of their birthday week, we pick them up to go shopping. No parents, no siblings—just the birthday child and us. They receive the same amount of money to spend and get to choose where to shop. They can take as short or as long an amount of time as they like. Then we go out to lunch to a grown-up restaurant—not McDonald’s or fast food but a real restaurant! They order whatever they want, and they even get a dessert.

We’ve often been surprised at the careful way they make their decisions concerning what to buy and what to order. They show amazing maturity and take it all very seriously—even the three-year-old. Last year she picked out four outfits, then said, “Only two. Only need two.” We hadn’t said a word to her about limiting herself. And it was hard for her to decide, but she did it.

We’ve been doing this for thirteen years now. Our nieces and nephews start talking about it weeks before their birthday. They call it their “Aunt Toni and Aunt Barbie Day.” And they love it almost as much as we do!

To celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person. It’s a wonderful opportunity to express love and affirmation and make huge deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.

Holidays

A single woman in her thirties shared this experience:

I recently bought my own home with the idea of having my entire family come over for Thanksgiving. I bought a ten-seat table and ten chairs to go around it. Now everyone who comes over says, “You’re single. Why do you need this table?” And I tell them, “You don’t know what this table represents. It represents our whole family being together. My mom can’t cook anymore. My brother is divorced. My sister can’t do it at her house. But being together like this is so important to me. I want to do it here.”

Probably more than almost anything else, people remember and love family traditions around important holidays. They often come together from long distances and long separations. There’s food. There’s fun. There’s laughter. There’s sharing. And often there’s a unifying theme or purpose.

There are many different traditions around each of the holidays. There are Thanksgiving turkeys, New Year’s Day football games, and Easter egg hunts. There’s Christmas caroling, talent sharing, and going to parades. There are traditions around the kind of food that’s served, traditions that come from particular countries or cultures, traditions that have been passed down through the generations, and new traditions that are developed when people marry. And all of these things give a sense of stability and identity to the family.

The point is that holidays provide an ideal time to build traditions. They happen every year. It’s easy to create a sense of anticipation and fun as well as meaning and camaraderie around them.

In our own family we’ve developed some fairly unique traditions around holidays.

Catherine (daughter):

I remember doing a special Valentine’s Day tradition with my dad every year. We would make valentines and attach long strings to them. Then we’d go and put them on people’s porches, ring the doorbell, and run and hide behind the bushes or around the corner of the house.

When people opened the door, they would be thrilled to receive a valentine. But when they bent down to pick it up, we would jerk it a few inches away. They would stumble a little. They would look at it in astonishment and try again. We’d pull the string a little farther. Finally, they would grab it, and we would come out laughing.

After a while the people in our neighborhood caught on. The first time the valentine moved, they’d say, “Oh, that’s Steve Covey. What’s he up to now?” But they looked forward to it. And I always loved it. We had so much fun!

Dad also has the tradition of sending flowers and chocolates to all his daughters on Valentine’s Day—even now that we’re married. And it’s the greatest because we get these beautiful roses on Valentine’s Day. We sometimes think they’re from our husbands, but they’re from Dad. It makes us feel special because we have two expressions of love. We get two bunches of flowers, and it’s really fun to try to guess who they’re from and what Dad will send this year.

This tradition started when I was very young. I remember getting chocolates from Dad on Valentine’s Day when I was about ten years old and how special it made me feel. It was my own box of chocolates that no one else could touch.

Dad also sends us flowers on Mother’s Day.

David (son):

Mom was well known among my friends for her involvement in Saint Patrick’s Day each March. She would dress up in her green leprechaun outfit and appear uninvited in each of her children’s classrooms. She would engage the whole class in singing Irish songs and telling stories with an Irish lilt in her voice. Then each child was given a shamrock cookie, and she would pinch the boys and girls who weren’t wearing green. This tradition has continued into the next generation, and the grandchildren have increased self-esteem because they know that their Mère Mère knows who they are and makes an effort to be part of their lives.

Jenny (daughter):

The Covey house was a “must do” on everyone’s list at Halloween. Mom and Dad would invite the trick-or-treaters into the house to sit down, visit, get warm, and have hot cider and doughnuts. But first they would have to perform some sort of talent—sing, dance, rap, recite a poem. Even college students at the local university heard about it and came for a warm drink.

One particular year a bunch of junior high school boys whom my mom described as “hoodlums” came trick-or-treating. They almost died when they learned they would have to perform a talent. Wanting the cider and doughnuts, though, they forced themselves to do something. The next year the same group of “hoodlums” came—this time prepared and excited about performing a song they had memorized and rehearsed in advance, with hand gestures included.

In the fall of 1996, after living in our home for thirty years, we moved to a new house. Our new neighbors all told us we would get only about 30 trick-or-treaters because we were too far off the beaten track. But we knew better. Mom served about 175—most of them former neighborhood kids, new high school friends, families, newly-marrieds, and lots of university students. They all came to perform, visit, drink hot cider, and eat doughnuts. By this time all the older kids’ friends were married, but they still came with their little children to trick-or-treat at our house. It was tradition.

Because holidays come every year, they continually bring opportunity to enjoy traditions and renew the sense of fun, camaraderie, and meaning we feel around them. Holidays seem to provide the ideal natural and ongoing opportunity for being together and renewing family ties.

Extended and Intergenerational Family Activities

As you’ve probably noticed from the stories throughout this book, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and other extended family members can have a tremendous positive influence on the family. Many activities lend themselves to larger family involvement, especially major holiday celebrations such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah. But almost any family activity can be broadened to include extended family members.

Sense the excitement of these grandparents in organizing special family times:

One of our favorite traditions is our monthly “family time” with the extended family. Once a month we invite our married children and grandchildren to join us and our children still at home for a potluck dinner and evening together. Everyone brings a part of the meal, and we enjoy eating and catching up on what’s happening in everyone’s life. Then we clean up and sit together in the family room. We arrange the chairs in a circle and bring out a big basket of toys for the little ones to play with in the middle while we talk. Someone usually shares a talent. Often we’ll discuss some aspect of our family mission statement or something else that’s important. When the little ones get tired, everyone goes home. It’s a great time to be together and renew relationships.

A couple in their seventies shared this:

We have a tradition of having Sunday dinners at which our daughter (our only child), her husband, and their children still living at home are always guests. Each week we also invite one of the four married grandchildren and their family—the first week of the month, the oldest; the second week, the next; and so on. In this way we are able to talk with each family—to find out how their lives are changing, what their plans and goals are, and how we might be able to help with those plans.

The desire to create this tradition came about thirty years ago when our daughter married and moved thirteen hundred miles away. For a long time our communication was limited to phone conversations and visits a couple of times a year. We often thought how nice it would be if we could have her and her family over to dinner and be of help, particularly when there was illness in the family.

So in our retirement years we moved closer so that we could do just that. Our Sunday dinners have been a tradition for thirteen years now. It brings us enjoyment to be able to serve, to learn about our grandchildren, to see their growth, and to be part of an extended family.

Notice how these families have taken normal family activities—family times and Sunday dinners—and expanded them to include members of their extended and intergenerational families. And think of the memories and the relationships this is building!

Extended and intergenerational family members can be involved in almost everything you do. Over the years, Sandra and I have made it a point to go to our children’s programs, recitals, and sporting events—or whatever individual family members were involved in. We’ve tried to provide a support system from the family to show that we care and that each person in the family is appreciated and loved. We always have an open invitation for anyone in the extended and intergenerational family who can to come to such activities. And Sandra and I often attend the activities that involve our brothers and sisters and their families as well.

Colleen (daughter):

I remember one time in high school, I was in a play—Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I had a small part—“proud-to-be-crowd,” I’d call it. But on opening night my brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles as well as my parents were in the audience. They filled up three rows! The girl who played the lead looked out and said, “I can’t believe this! I’m the lead, and the only one here to see me is my mom. But you have this dinky little part, and your family takes up half the audience!” That extended family support made me feel very important.

We find that with these kinds of intergenerational activities, siblings and cousins usually end up the best of friends. We feel a great sense of strength in and appreciation for the members of our extended and intergenerational families. We firmly believe they go a long way toward reweaving the safety net that’s become unraveled in society.

Sean (son):

One of the things I appreciate most about our family is this huge intergenerational support network. My kids are growing up very close to their cousins. A lot of them are the same age, and they’re close. They’re the best of friends. And I think this is going to make a tremendous difference when they’re teenagers. They’ll have this huge network of support. And if someone starts having problems, there will probably be too much support to ever let anyone go off the deep end.

Learning Together

There are so many opportunities to learn and do things together as a family! And this can be tremendously renewing in all dimensions.

One tradition that developed when our family went on trips together was singing in the car. That’s the way most of the kids learned the folk songs of America, the campfire songs, patriotic songs (even the verses to The Star-Spangled Banner), Christmas carols, and hit tunes from Broadway musicals. When you think about it, the younger children really need someone to take the time to teach them the words and music to the old familiar songs we all seem to know. Otherwise, how can they join in?

Another way to learn together is to share in a family member’s particular hobby or interest. Get involved in it. Learn about it. Read books. Join associations. Subscribe to magazines. Soak it up. Make it a focus. Talk about it together.

Learning together is socially and mentally renewing. It gives you a shared interest, something fun to talk about. There’s joy in discovering and learning together. It can also be physically renewing when you learn a new sport or a new physical skill, and it can be spiritually renewing when you learn more about the principles that govern in all of life.

Learning together can be a wonderful tradition and one of the greatest joys of family life. It also affirms that when you raise your children you are also raising your grandchildren.

Sean (son):

Our parents took us everywhere. We went with them on trips. Dad took us with him on speaking engagements. We were always exposed to a lot of good things. And I feel this was a real advantage for me. My comfort zone in situations is really high because I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve been camping. I’ve been in the outdoors. I’ve been on survival treks. I’ve been in the water—swimming and waterskiing. I’ve tried every sport at least a few times.

And I consciously try to do that with my kids. If I’m going to a baseball game, I take them. If I’m going to the mall to pick up something, I take them. If I’m going outside to try to build something in the yard, I take them. I’m trying to expose them to a lot of different things in life.

Another vitally important learning tradition is reading. Families can read together. In addition, children need to read on their own—and to see their parents read as well.

A few years ago I was shocked when my son Joshua asked if I ever read. I realized that he had never seen me read. Almost always I read when I am alone. In fact, I cover the equivalent of three or four books every week. But when I am with my family, I am fully with them, and I don’t read.

I have recently read some research which indicates that the number one reason children don’t read is that they don’t see their fathers read.3 I think this is one of the mistakes I have made over the years. I wish that I’d kept my study more open so that my children would have seen me reading more often. And I wish I’d been more conscientious about sharing what I was learning and what excited me.

Sandra:

One learning tradition we developed in our family was that every two weeks I would pile all the kids into the car and we’d go to the public library. Each person was able to get twelve books that could be taken out for two weeks. Each got to choose the books he or she wanted and was interested in.

My main task was to make sure that the books didn’t get mutilated, destroyed, or disappear during this two-week period. I remember my fear as we tried to gather them all up for the day of deliverance.

Learning together as a family is more than a tradition, it’s a vital need. It is true in today’s world that “unless you run faster, you will get farther behind” because the pace of life and the growth of technology are incredible. Many products are obsolete the day they appear on the market. The half-life of many professions is only three to four years. That’s startling. It’s scary. That’s why it’s so important for there to be a family tradition and culture that focuses on continual learning.

Worshiping Together

One father shared this:

When I was growing up, it was very important to my parents that we all worship together. At the time I didn’t think it was important. I didn’t understand why they thought it was important. But they did, so we all went to church together and sat together. And I have to admit as young boys we were bored together most of the time.

But as I got older, I began to notice that we were more aligned as a family than was the case with a lot of my friends. We had common values and goals. We relied on one another to solve problems and find answers. We knew what we believed, what we all believed. We were together. And “worship” wasn’t just a matter of once a week in our home. Religion and worship were treated almost as an educational process. We had lessons—formal and informal—where our parents would teach us about what was right and wrong. They would listen as we disagreed, then help us figure things out and find our own answers. But they taught us about values and faith.

In addition, we had little family traditions. For example, we prayed together every evening. It was sometimes grueling to listen to my brothers go on and on. But as I got older I realized how much I learned as I listened to them. I learned what was important to them, what they needed and wanted, what they were afraid of or concerned about. Now that I think about it, I realize that it really drew us all together.

We also prayed and fasted in times of emergency. I remember when my grandma was in the hospital with cancer. A call went out to our entire family—aunts, uncles, and cousins. We all gathered in family prayer and fasted together for her. It gave us strength to be together. And when she passed away, it was wonderful to have everyone near. The unity was overwhelming. And although there were tears and sadness, it was a lovely, strengthening, bonding funeral. I came away from it with a special understanding and appreciation for the full circle of life, from birth to death. And I think the fact that we all share common beliefs made things much more meaningful to us.

Notice how worshiping brought this family together spiritually, mentally, and socially.

George Gallup reports that 95 percent of Americans believe in some form of supreme being or higher power, and that more than ever before, people are feeling the need to reach beyond self-help to find spiritual help.4 Research also clearly shows that worshiping together is one of the major characteristics of healthy, happy families. It can create context, unity, and shared understanding—much in the same way that a family mission statement does.

In addition, studies have shown that religious involvement is a significant factor in mental and emotional health and stability, particularly when individuals are internally motivated. When they are extrinsically motivated—by public approval or conformity, for example—the religious context is not always benevolent. In fact, it sometimes nurtures a culture that is extremely strict and sets unrealistically high expectations, causing people who are emotionally vulnerable to experience even more emotional problems.5

But when the environment is focused on growth based on moral principles rather than on an outward perfectionism that reinforces rule-bound rigidity, people experience greater health. The culture allows for honest recognition of moral imperfections and acceptance of self, even as it encourages acceptance of and living in harmony with the principles that govern in all of life.

C. S. Lewis related his own convictions in squaring his private and public selves in this way:

When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation was so sudden or unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.… Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.… Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will.… I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps … we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God.6

In our own family, we have found great strength in worshiping together. Through the years we’ve placed a high priority on attending our church services together and supporting one another in working and serving in the church and community. We’ve found that this unites us as a family and also gives us opportunities to work together for something higher than self.

We’ve also tried to hold our own daily devotionals in our home. We try to have some time together for a few minutes each morning to begin our day with a feeling of togetherness and inspiration.

Stephen (son):

As I was growing up, we always had family devotionals in the morning. It was a pattern. Whether we were little kids or high school students, we always got up at 6:00. We’d read together, talk about needs and plans for the day, and have a family prayer. We’d have our blankets and lie down on the couches. There were times that some of us would sleep right through it—until it was our turn to read. It may not have been as effective as it could have been, but we made the effort. And a lot of it sunk in. I think we all learned a lot more than we thought we did.

This tradition, including the daily reading of scriptures and other “wisdom literature,” has been a tremendously renewing tradition for our family. This is something any family can do. Depending on your belief, “wisdom literature” could be anything that connects you with timeless principles. It could be the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud, Native American Wisdom, or the Bhagavad-Gita. It could be James Allen’s As a Man Thinketh, Thoreau’s Walden, or modern collections such as William Bennett’s Book of Virtues or Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen’s Chicken Soup for the Soul. It could be inspiring autobiographies or anthologies, insightful essays, or uplifting stories—whatever addresses the principles and values you believe in.7

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If you organize your family life to spend even ten or fifteen minutes a morning reading something that connects you with timeless principles, you will make better choices during the day—in the family, on the job, in every dimension of life.

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The point is that if you organize your family life to spend even ten or fifteen minutes a morning reading something that connects you with these timeless principles, it’s almost guaranteed that you will make better choices during the day—in the family, on the job, in every dimension of life. Your thoughts will be higher. Your interactions will be more satisfying. You will have a greater perspective. You will increase that space between what happens to you and your response to it. You will be more connected to what really matters most.

You will also be more connected to your family. This can be a great time to get in touch with the needs of each person for that day—whether someone is taking a test or has an important assignment to get or a presentation to give. It enables you to start your day renewing the relationships that matter most.

Daily devotionals can provide tremendous spiritual, social, and mental renewal. And if you want to add the physical dimension, you can always do a few sit-ups, go for a walk, or take up tai chi. Whatever you choose to include, you’ll find that mornings are a great time for family renewal. It’s an incredibly wonderful way to start your day.

Working Together

One man shared this:

One of my most vivid memories of growing up was working beside my father in our garden. When he first suggested the idea, my brother and I were excited. At that time we didn’t realize that it would translate into spending hours in the backyard in the hot sun, shovel in hand, digging and getting blisters and doing a lot of other things you don’t necessarily associate with fun.

And the work was hard. But my dad worked right alongside us. He took the time to teach and educate us so that we could see the vision of what an ideal garden would look like. And this provided a great learning experience—from the first time we dug those holes and wondered what in the world we were doing, to four or five years later when I was able to walk out there as a teenager and find great joy and satisfaction in the fruits of our labors.

I remember the buy-in that came when I was twelve or thirteen. Suddenly it became a source of great joy to pick bushels of beautiful fruit—peaches and apples and pears—and to have corn growing in the backyard that rivaled the best corn you’ve ever tasted and tomato plants that grew to look like trees because of the holes we carefully dug and prepared for them. I remember how after that—even when I was extremely busy as a teenager—I always wanted to find time to make sure our garden was in order, that our trees were pruned and sprayed and taken care of.

I think that one of the greatest learning experiences I had during those years was in seeing what our family could accomplish together. Walking down those garden rows and knowing that we had done this was a source of incredible satisfaction.

And now I find that that experience helps me in almost every task I have before me. Whenever I become involved in a project where I need to have someone buy into the end result and the vision, I think back on that experience and how my father helped me realize what it would do to our family and our relationships as a family. I can translate that now to a project here in the office and say, “Okay, we have this task at hand. We need to accomplish this. What’s the end in mind?”

When I need to create order in my life, I think back to that row of beautiful green pepper plants. I remember how I thought it was a joke when we bought them in the little plastic canisters. I said, “How are we going to get them to grow?” But weeks later I saw those full plants with leaves that looked like silk because they were so healthy. And I know I can do it.

I think often, too, about my dad’s example in all of this. He got such joy out of doing it. I think he also got joy from seeing me have joy in doing it and in seeing the results of our hard work and God’s help and the wonders of nature and natural law.

Notice how this tradition of working together in the garden renewed this boy and his family. It renewed them socially by giving them the opportunity to work together. Can you imagine the wonderful teaching moments this would create? Look at how it renewed them physically as they worked together out in the hot sun. Think about the mental renewal involved as this boy learned about nurturing growing things. Think about the way this knowledge helped him even in his business career as an adult. This is because he learned in that garden some of the natural laws that govern in every dimension in life, and he was able to apply those laws or principles years later in a completely different situation. So it was spiritual renewal as well. He was close to nature and close to natural law.

Notice, too, what you can read between the lines about this father’s attitude about working with his children. Another father has said:

I think it’s very easy for anyone who works for a living to become task oriented. I know it is for me. So when I’m working with my children, I tend to become very directive and demanding.

I’ve come to realize, though, that the objectives are different when you work with children. The work you’re doing is the work of nurturing character and future capacity. And when you keep that end in mind, you don’t get frustrated. You have peace and joy in doing it.

It’s like the story one man told of a time when he decided to buy some cows to help his boys learn responsibility. A neighbor—a farmer of many years—came up to him one day and began criticizing some of the things the boys were doing. The man smiled and said, “Thank you for your concern. But you don’t understand. I’m not raising cows; I’m raising boys.”

That thought has helped me through many teaching moments in working with my children.

It used to be that families had to work together in order to survive, so work was something that kept families close. But in today’s society “work” often pulls families apart. You have parents going “off to work” in different directions—all of them away from home. You have children who don’t really need to work economically but are growing up in a social environment that views work as a curse rather than as a blessing.

So creating the tradition of working together today is really a matter of inside out. But there are many ways to do it and many benefits of doing it. As we’ve already observed, having a family garden is a great “working together” tradition—one in which you can really enjoy the fruits of your labors. Many families do their regular household chores together on Saturdays. Some parents involve older children in summer work in their profession.

Catherine (daughter):

One tradition we had in our family was the “ten-minute program.” Whenever we’d have a big party and there was a total mess—even sometimes when we’d just have the normal mess we created during the hours after school—Dad would stand up and say, “Okay, let’s have the ten-minute program before we go to bed.” That meant that every person in the family would work really hard for ten minutes to clean up the place. We all knew that if we had eighteen hands working in the kitchen, it would go a lot faster than two. So we knew it wasn’t going to be an hourlong process, and that made it nice.

We also had what we called “work parties.” That may seem like a contradiction in terms, but that’s what they were. We’d work really hard for three or four hours to get something done, but we’d have food and we’d laugh and talk as we worked. We’d also do something fun afterward—like go to a movie—and we’d look forward to that. Everyone expected they’d have to work. It was just part of life. But it made it so much better by adding these little treats at the end or doing something that made it seem like fun.

Serving Together

A mother shared this experience:

My husband, Mark, grew up in a Polynesian village where people had to work together to survive. And my own mom was always helping people—whether it was in the church or in the neighborhood or just someone she heard about that had a need. So Mark and I both grew up with a sense of working and serving together. And when we married and began to have our own children, we decided that one of the values we wanted to instill in them was a sense of service to others.

We’ve never had much in the way of financial resources, so we felt a little limited about making charitable contributions. But as we talked together, we realized that there was one thing we could do: We could make quilts. Piece goods are fairly inexpensive. And tying a quilt is quite simple—something we could do as a family, something that requires physical effort and skill. And a quilt is something people can use and appreciate.

So every year we piece together about twelve quilts for different families. This year we made some for my aunt’s family, who have had some hard times. We’ve just started one for a neighbor who’s going through a divorce.

The kids have been a big part of identifying people in need because young children are more open with one another and are not so embarrassed by the need. And they really enjoy helping. We sit around the quilting frames and talk about a lot of things—so it helps with communication, too. And they love to deliver the finished quilts, whether we do it secretly or not (although I think they enjoy the secret drop-offs the best).

We have a lot of good times doing this together as a family. Even the little girls (three and five) have things they can do, such as cutting out pieces of fabric and clipping the yarn. Sometimes they make the little cards to go with the quilt. But everyone is involved. We feel that’s important.

A father shared this:

Some time ago my wife and I decided that we have been given a lot in life and need to give back more than we take. So we started a youth group—a kind of outreach group—in our home. We also have teenage children, and we thought what better way could there be to understand and be part of their lives than to offer something like this to them and their friends.

So we had twelve or thirteen kids come over to our home on a weekly basis. It was an interdenominational, interracial group. The only thing they had in common was that they were in the same school district. They understood up front that this was on a trial basis to see if they liked getting together once a week. We set up a contract so that everyone would understand and agree on what was to happen. We came up with some guidelines for behavior, such as “when one person is talking, everyone else listens.” And we tried to plan the meetings around the things they wanted to talk about.

In the beginning we talked about things like honesty, respect, apologizing for mistakes, having a sense of contribution. The group evolved to the point where they started asking questions like “What is trust?” and “What is peer pressure?” My wife and I did research on whatever they asked about and presented it at the following week’s meeting. We didn’t do a lot of teaching through words. We spent maybe fifteen minutes doing that, but from there it went to physical activities. Some activities were outdoors; some were indoors. All of them highlighted the concepts they told us they wanted to hear about.

After we completed that first contract, the kids were very eager to continue with the second. They liked having a place where they could talk and ask questions about things that were important to them. And the parents appreciated it, too. One of the mothers called us up to say, “I don’t know what you do at your house for that hour and a half to two hours, but it must be something remarkable. The other day I made a negative comment to my daughter about someone else, and she said, ‘You know, Mom, we really don’t know that girl. We shouldn’t be saying that. That’s just what we’re hearing from someone else.’ I’m so glad she brought that to my attention. I wish adults could do this, too.”

Can you see how tremendously renewing this tradition of serving together can be? It’s spiritually renewing because it’s focused on something higher than self. It can also be part of fulfilling and renewing your family mission statement.

Depending on the nature of the service, it can be mentally or physically renewing as well. It can involve developing talents, learning new concepts or skills, or being involved in physical activity. And there’s tremendous social renewal in it: Can you imagine anything more bonding, more unifying, more energizing to the relationship than working together to accomplish something that is really meaningful and worthwhile?

Having Fun Together

Probably the most important dimension of all these traditions is having fun together—genuinely enjoying one another, enjoying the home environment, making home and family the happiest, biggest “warm fuzzy” in people’s lives. Having fun together is so vital and so important that it could even be listed as a tradition in and of itself. And it can be nurtured and expressed in many ways.

In our family we’ve built a lot of social camaraderie around humor. For example, we have a number of what we call “Covey cult films.” These movies are hilarious, and we frequently watch them together and have the funniest times. Everyone enjoys them immensely. We’ve learned the dialogue so well that many times we get into situations and the whole family reenacts an entire scene from the movie, word for word. Everyone cracks up and outsiders wonder.

As we observed in Habit 1, humor puts things in perspective so you don’t take yourself too seriously. You don’t get hung up on small issues or other little irritating things that can be divisive and create polarization in the family. Sometimes it takes only one person to inject a little humor into the situation and change the entire course of an event or turn an otherwise mundane task into an adventure.

Maria (daughter):

I remember when we lived in Hawaii, Dad used to give Mom Saturdays sometimes to recover from all of us. He’d say, “Okay, kids, today I’m taking you all on adventures.” We’d never know what the adventures were going to be. We were so excited. We didn’t know this until later, but he’d make them up as he went along.

The first adventure might be to go swimming in the ocean. Then we’d go to Goo’s Store, and everyone would get an ice cream cone. Then we’d hike a little trail. There might be seven adventures in all, and each of them would be a big event.

I also remember Dad taking us to the swimming pool and playing with us for hours—just throwing us around. He was crazy. He had no inhibitions, no embarrassment at all. A lot of parents won’t play with their kids, but Mom and Dad were both very fun-loving and would always play with us and do things with us.

David (son):

I remember when it would be Dad’s turn to drive the car pool. We’d have this whole car full of kids, and Dad would do the funniest, the craziest things. He’d tell jokes. He’d get people to recite a poem or sing a song. He always had everyone in stitches.

As we got older, we would sometimes feel embarrassed by his behavior. But he’d always say, “Okay. Crazy or boring—take your choice.”

“Boring!” we’d say. “Don’t embarrass us, Dad.” So he would just sit there stiff and silent. But then the other kids would yell, “Crazy! We want crazy!” And off he’d go again. The kids in the car pool just loved it.

Sandra:

I think there are some traditions that should have never gotten started—and they are very hard to stop! For instance, one time during dinner Stephen was called to the phone for a long-distance conversation with some business associates. The boys were anxious for him to get off the phone, and they kept pleading with him in pantomime to hang up. But he just waved them off and put his finger to his lips in a hushing motion.

Finally realizing that their father couldn’t possibly keep up his end of the business conversation and negotiation and keep them occupied and quiet at the same time, they recognized his vulnerability and immediately acted upon it. One boy got a jar of peanut butter out of the cupboard and started spreading it on his shiny bald head. Another put a layer of red raspberry jam on top of the peanut butter, and a third boy topped it with a slice of Wonder bread. They built a perfectly marvelous sandwich on the top of his head, and there was nothing he could do about it.

After that they looked forward to this opportunity every time he was caught on a long-distance phone call. They especially enjoyed it if their friends were there to witness it. Stephen wasn’t too excited about this tradition, but the final blow to his ego came on a hot summer evening when we were sitting on the lawn with some neighbors and friends watching a performance by some of our younger children, who were using the front porch as their stage.

A car full of teenagers pulled up, coming to a screeching stop. Five or six of them jumped out of the car and ran toward my husband. They were on a video-recording scavenger hunt. “Mr. Covey! Mr. Covey!” they cried. “We need you! We have to win this game. Please help us out.” They surrounded him with jars of peanut butter and jam and a loaf of bread and made a glorious sandwich atop the crown of his head, videotaping the entire production. They finally left and Stephen went into the house to wash off his head. He then returned to watch the rest of the plays.

Just as he (and our astonished neighbors) had settled down, a second car full of enthusiastic and eager teenagers pulled into the driveway. They ran to him with the same request. They assured him that they knew how to make the sandwich since they had been well taught by Sean, David, and Stephen.

Before the night was over, three cars managed to win their points by following suit. Our neighbor, whose children hosted the party, said the highlight of the evening was the playback of the peanut butter sandwich episode. They assured us that Stephen was the star of the video scavenger hunt.

What an honor—and what a tradition!

Nurturing the Spirit of Renewal

Whatever traditions you decide to create in your family culture, you’ll find there’s a lot you can do that will nurture the “spirit” or feeling of renewal in your everyday interactions.

Sandra:

One simple tradition that we’ve developed through the years is that of making a fuss over comings and goings. When the children come home from school, it takes only a few minutes to greet them warmly and ask about their day. As they put their books away, take their coats off, and start to unwind, I have found it’s nice to take time out from whatever I am doing and concentrate on them—to ask how their day went, to sense their attitude, spirit, or mood, and to help them prepare some fruit, a drink, or a snack as we talk it over. It’s so easy to keep being involved in the things that you were doing before they came, but it really enriches the relationship when you stop completely and focus on them—even follow them into their bedroom, asking questions and getting involved in their life and day’s activities.

Everyone likes to feel as if they were missed. It’s nice to be greeted and have a fuss made over you so that you feel assured that you’re an important part of the family. It’s very rewarding to have someone listen to you, ask about your concerns, sense your mood, and seem to love being with you. It takes a little practice and effort, but it’s well worth it.

I remember at a small dinner party at a friend’s house one night, one of the guests arrived alone, stating that her husband had been delayed and would come within the hour. He came in about forty-five minutes later, apologizing for the delay. When he arrived, our friend Sabra’s eyes and face lit up. Her smile and sense of excitement in seeing him conveyed to everyone their love for each other. It was obvious that they missed each other during the time they had been separated.

I thought to myself, What a warm welcome! He’s a lucky man. About a year later Woody, the husband, had a sudden illness. Within weeks he died unexpectedly. Everyone was shocked. I think Sabra was glad she had always made so much of their comings and goings by taking a moment to express her love for him.

We’ve also tried to “adopt” our children’s friends.

Sean (son):

In high school I had a few friends on the football team who were kind of wild. What Mom and Dad did, basically, was adopt my friends. They videotaped every game, and afterward invited everyone to our house for pizza. About half the team would show up, and we’d watch the game together. So all my friends got to like my parents. They thought my parents were cool, and so did I. The really neat thing about that was that many of my friends ended up being influenced by our family instead of the other way around. And some of those kids turned their lives around.

David (son):

Our house was always the neighborhood hangout because my mother welcomed all our friends and was willing to put up with the chaos that often accompanied our get-togethers. There were times when I would show up from high school with four or five ravenous football friends, and upon entering the kitchen, I would pound the table and jokingly bellow to my mother, “Feed my face! Feed my friends’ faces!” She would laugh and win my friends’ loyalty with a fine meal, regardless of the hour. Her sense of humor and willingness to put up with such inconveniences made our home a welcome environment that I felt confident bringing friends into.

These traditions—big and small—are the things that bond us, renew us, and give us identity as a family. And each family is unique. Each family must discover and create its own. Our children have grown up with a lot of traditions, but they have discovered—as everyone does—that when you marry, you may well enter into a relationship with someone who has an entirely different set of traditions. And this is why it’s important to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 and decide together which traditions reflect the kind of family you want to be.

Traditions Bring Family Healing

Over time, these renewing traditions become one of the most powerful forces in the family culture. And no matter what your past or current situation, they are something you can become aware of, create in your own family, and possibly even extend to others who may never have had the benefit of such renewal in their lives.

I know of one man who grew up in a very cynical home environment. He eventually married a wonderful woman who began to help him find out who he really was and discover his great untapped potential. As his confidence grew, he became increasingly aware of the toxic nature of his past environment and began to identify more and more with his wife’s family and parents. Her family had its normal challenges, but their culture was fundamentally nurturing, caring, and empowering.

For this man, to return “home” was to go to his wife’s home—to laugh with her family and to talk late at night with her parents who loved him, believed in him, and encouraged him. In fact, recently, this man—who is now forty years old—called his in-laws to ask if he could spend a weekend with them—visiting with the family, staying in the guest bedroom, and joining in their meals. They quickly replied, “Of course you can come!” It was like returning to his childhood and being healed by “the family.” After the visit, this man remarked, “It’s like being bathed and renewed again—and overcoming my youth and finding hope.” With new strength, this man is becoming a model and mentor to his own mother and family and helping to rebuild stability and hope there.

In any distress or disease, true healing involves all four dimensions: the physical (including the best art and science available in the medical or alternative medical field, as well as keeping the body vital and strong), the social/emotional (including generating positive energy and avoiding negative energy such as criticism, envy, and hatred, as well as being connected to the support base created by family and friends who are all adding their faith, prayers, and support), the mental (including learning about illness and visualizing the immune system of the body fighting it), and the spiritual (including exercising faith and tapping into those spiritual powers higher than our own). Family renewal helps make this four-dimensional healing available to everyone in the family. It helps create the powerful immune system we talked about in Habit 6 that enables people to handle difficulties and setbacks, and promotes physical, social, mental, and spiritual health.

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Sharpening the saw is the single highest leverage activity in life because it affects everything else so powerfully.

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Recognizing the power of renewal and renewing traditions in the family opens the door to all kinds of interaction and creativity in developing a beautiful family culture. In fact, sharpening the saw is the single highest leverage activity in life because it affects everything else so powerfully. It renews all the other habits and helps create a powerful magnetlike force in the family culture that consistently draws people toward the flight path and helps them stay on track.

As important as traditions are, it’s good to remember that the best of them don’t always work out perfectly. In our own family, for example, we get ready to go into the family room on Christmas morning. We line everyone up—youngest to oldest—on the stairs. We turn on Christmas music and set up the video camera. We say, “Is everyone excited? Okay, let’s go!” And inevitably, in the stampede, the youngest one falls down and starts crying. When we all get together, there are a lot of people in one place. It’s very crowded. And we occasionally have our arguments.

But, amazingly, through it all these traditions are the things people remember. These are the things that bond and unify and renew us as a family. They renew us socially and mentally and physically and spiritually. And with this renewal we are able to return refreshed to the everyday challenges of life.

 

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS

Can Family Relationships Drift Apart?

• Review the material here. Ask family members: What is entropy? Discuss the idea that “all things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception.” Ask: In what ways might entropy become evident in a relationship?

What Are Some Ways to Bond the Family Together?

• Discuss: What traditions work best for our family? Responses might include family dinners, birthday celebrations, family vacations, holidays, or other occasions.

• Ask family members what traditions they have noticed in other families. Ask what they have seen these families do to effectively nurture their traditions.

• Review the material here. Ask family members what extended and intergenerational family traditions they enjoy or would like to establish.

• Discuss how renewing activities—such as having fun together, learning together, worshiping together, working together, and serving together—meet the basic needs to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy, and to laugh.

How Do You Nurture the Spirit of Family Renewal?

• Discuss the stories here. Ask family members: Are we taking the time to “sharpen the saw”? What can we do as a family to better practice the spirit of renewal?

 

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN

• Give each child paper and a pencil with a broken lead. Ask him or her to draw a picture of the family. It won’t work. Ask the child to press a little harder. It still won’t work. Ask: What needs to happen? The child will respond that the pencil needs to be sharpened. Now share the story of the woodcutter here and see what other things he or she can think of that need to be constantly maintained and renewed in order to work. Ask What would happen if we forgot to buy gas? To have the brakes checked on the car? To buy groceries? To celebrate Mother’s Day, someone’s birthday, or some other event important to a family member? What can we do to ensure that we always sharpen the family saw?

• Exercise with your children. Play sports with them. Go for regular walks together. Sign up with them for swimming, golf or some other lesson or activity. Continually remind one another of the importance of exercise and good health.

• Teach your children what you want them to know! Teach them the importance of working, reading, studying, completing homework. Don’t assume that someone else will teach them life’s most important lessons.

• Attend age-appropriate cultural events together, such as plays, dance recitals, concerts, and choir performances. Encourage your children to participate in activities that will help them develop their talents.

• Sign up to learn some new skill together with your child, such as sewing, woodworking, pie-making, or word processing.

• Involve your children in planning your family vacations.

• Together, decide on ways to make family birthdays extra special.

• Talk about what makes holidays special for your children.

• Involve your children in your spiritual life. Let them accompany you to your place of worship. Share any special feelings you have about a higher power. Worship together. Read together. Pray together, if that is part of your belief.

• Become involved with your children in weekly family service projects.

• Schedule on your calendar fun times together such as going to ball games, hiking in the mountains, playing on the swings in the park, playing miniature golf, or going to the ice cream store.

• Involve the children in making dinnertime more special. Have them take turns setting and decorating the table, choosing the dessert, and maybe even selecting a conversation topic. Be consistent in gathering your family around the dinner table to enjoy a meal together.