CHAPTER 8
CREATE IMMEDIATE AND LASTING JOY
PROTECT YOUR BRAIN’S PLEASURE CENTERS TO LIVE WITH PASSION AND PURPOSE AND AVOID ADDICTIONS AND DEPRESSION
Nothing is as important as passion. No matter what you want to do with your life, be passionate.
JON BON JOVI
On October 15, 1988, Kirk Gibson came to the plate as a pinch hitter in the ninth inning of Game One of the World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Oakland A’s. Gibson, who was a star for the Dodgers that year, had injured both of his legs and didn’t play in the earlier innings of the game. Now he was facing Dennis Eckersley, one of the best closers in the American League, who had saved 45 games. The Dodgers were behind four runs to three, and there were two outs and a runner on first base.
When Gibson came to the plate, famed Dodger announcer Vin Scully said, “All year long, they looked to him to light the fire . . . and all year long he answered the demands, until he was physically unable to start tonight with two bad legs —the bad left hamstring and the swollen right knee. And with two outs, you talk about a roll of the dice . . . this is it.”
Gibson worked the count to three balls and two strikes, and then the whole world heard Scully’s incredible voice cry, “High fly ball into right field. She i-i-i-is . . . GONE!” Scully then said nothing for more than a minute, while the cameras told the story of the Dodgers’ win: pandemonium on the field at Chavez Ravine in Los Angeles, the crowd going wild, and players pouring out of the dugout, jumping into the air, and hugging one another.[216] Over and over, sports fans have watched the clip of Kirk Gibson double pumping his right arm as he rounds second base with a look of pure joy on his face —an iconic play that will forever be remembered in sports history. I have thought about that moment many times in the past 30 years.
In 1991, when we first started the brain imaging work we do at Amen Clinics, all of us were very excited. The scans gave us insights that allowed us to help many treatment-resistant patients get better, faster than ever before. In one case, we treated a boy who had violent episodes that had led to three psychiatric hospitalizations. His scan showed he was likely having seizure activity on the left side of his brain. Once put on antiseizure medication, he became calmer, sweeter, and more in control of his emotions. The treatment literally changed the trajectory of his life. That gave us a home-run feeling. We also treated a woman who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, whose children were about to put her in a senior care facility to ensure her safety. She had left something cooking on the stove and almost burned her house down. Her scan revealed that she did not have Alzheimer’s disease. Instead, she was likely suffering from a severe depression that masqueraded as Alzheimer’s. With treatment for depression, she got her memory and independence back. A double arm-pump moment of joy for us, the patient, and her family. There was another patient diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, this time a man, who was deteriorating month by month, but his scan showed he had enlarged, fluid-filled spaces in his brain. When the pressure on his brain was relieved by shunting out the excess fluid, his memory and cognitive function returned and he had another decade of high-quality life. Pure joy —for him and for us.
There were many moments when we felt like Gibson as he rounded second base. Of course, it wasn’t always like that. But the stories of change imprinted lasting joy in the brains of our team members, which caused us to pay close attention to what we were learning. Those incredible feelings helped us develop passion for and purpose in our work, despite brutal criticism in the beginning from some of our colleagues. The word passion comes from the Latin word passionem, which means “suffering” or “enduring.” Pursuing your passion requires endurance and may involve suffering, thanks to the way our brains work.
The passion and love I had for our patients and work helped me deal with the criticism, as did a quotation from Dr. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist, a Nazi concentration camp survivor, and the author of Man’s Search for Meaning: “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”[217]
Living with passion and purpose is a critical “feel better fast” strategy. This chapter will look at what neuroscience says about purpose, meaning, passion, and love (including new love) and the impact these have on the health of your brain. It will also look at what helps and hurts your pleasure centers, so you can avoid addictions and depression, and what happens when love, passion, or purpose goes wrong. It will help you find out how to know your purpose and actualize it in your life.
PURPOSE CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER FAST
Does having meaning and purpose help you feel better fast and make it last? In her research, University of Wisconsin psychologist Carol Ryff found that those who had a higher sense of purpose in life —defined as “the psychological tendency to derive meaning from life’s experiences and to possess a sense of intentionality and goal directedness that guides behavior” —had
- Better mental health
- Less depression
- Greater happiness
- More satisfaction
- More personal growth and self-acceptance
- Better-quality sleep
- Longevity
Over time, researcher Patricia Boyle and colleagues from Rush University in Chicago studied more than 900 people and found that higher scores on this “purpose” scale were associated with
- A reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease
- Less mild cognitive impairment
- A slower rate of cognitive decline in old age[218]
Other researchers have also associated purpose in life with a longer lifespan. One group measured “eudemonic wellbeing,” a type of well-being that relates to your sense of control and purpose, and to feeling that what you do is worthwhile. The scientists followed 9,050 people over eight and a half years and found that those who had higher scores on eudemonic wellbeing were 30 percent less likely to die during the follow-up period compared to those with the lowest scores. They also walked faster and had greater grip strength, two signs of healthy vigor.[219] As strength of purpose increases, so do physical strength and endurance. Purpose in life has also been associated with lower risk of cardiovascular disease[220] and stroke, higher levels of immunity, and better-quality sleep, with less sleep apnea and fewer restless leg symptoms.[221] Scoring higher in “purpose in life” also makes it less likely that negative social media issues (such as not getting the number of likes you might want on a post) will affect your self-esteem.[222] A lack of purpose has been associated with negative health indicators, including higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, increased markers of inflammation, lower HDL cholesterol levels, and greater amounts of abdominal fat.
WHERE PASSION LIVES IN THE BRAIN
Purpose helps us find meaning in life, which in turn fuels our passion for the things we find meaningful. Passion, purpose, and meaning all work in the drive, motivation, and pleasure centers deep in the brain. These areas include the ventral tegmental area (VTA), nucleus accumbens and caudate nucleus (both part of the basal ganglia), and substantia nigra (see figure on page 182). These regions are powered by the neurotransmitter dopamine. When Gibson hit his ninth-inning home run, dopamine flooded his pleasure centers, prompting him to double pump his fist. The basal ganglia integrate emotion and movement, which is why we jump when we’re excited or freeze when we get scared. When dopamine floods the basal ganglia, players throw up their arms, yell with joy, or run onto the baseball diamond as a group. Likewise, when an actor gets a standing ovation, an attorney wins an important case, a child brings home an excellent report card, or a pastor delivers a passionate sermon, dopamine is released, activating the pleasure centers —and triggering good feelings.
Along with dopamine, the neurotransmitter serotonin also plays an important role in love, passion, and pleasure. Serotonin, released by the raphe nuclei deep in the brain, is involved with mood, sleep, shifting attention, appetite, bowel function, and social relationships. It also helps to regulate anxiety and happiness.
Dopamine and serotonin tend to counterbalance each other in the brain. As one goes up, the other generally goes down. Antidepressants that increase serotonin, such as Lexapro (escitalopram), Prozac (fluoxetine), and Zoloft (sertraline), can improve mood and decrease anxiety but can also decrease sexual desire and motivation. Antidepressants that increase dopamine, such as Wellbutrin (bupropion), boost sex drive and can enhance focus and motivation, but they may trigger anxiety. Stimulant medications that boost dopamine, such as Adderall (amphetamine salts) or Ritalin (methylphenidate), can increase focus and motivation but can also decrease appetite and cause some people to feel obsessed.
HOW DIFFERENT LEVELS OF DOPAMINE AND SEROTONIN AFFECT BEHAVIOR AND MOOD
NEUROTRANSMITTER LEVEL |
DOPAMINE[223] EFFECTS |
SEROTONIN[224] EFFECTS |
Healthy |
Feelings of pleasure; feeling motivated and focused |
Feeling happy and optimistic, with healthy sleep and bowel function |
Too Low |
Higher incidence of depression and apathy; low levels are common in Parkinson’s disease due to the death of dopamine-producing cells in the brain’s substantia nigra |
Depression, anxiety, obsession, insomnia, irritable bowel issues, and cravings for sweets, which increase serotonin in the brain but also can make you gain weight |
Too High |
Feeling anxious, agitated, aggressive; confusion; racing thoughts; trouble sleeping; poor decision-making |
Feeling passive, apathetic; lower motivation; decreased sexual desire |
Supplements |
S-adenosyl-methionine (SAMe), L-tyrosine, bacopa, mucuna |
5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP), saffron, L-tryptophan |
DOPAMINE AND SEROTONIN PATHWAY
SEX, DRUGS, ROCK ’N’ ROLL, SMARTPHONES, VIDEO GAMES, . . . AND THE BRAIN
Living in Southern California, I’ve had the opportunity to treat many famous performers, including rock stars, singers, songwriters, actors, athletes, and pastors. Many have experienced worldwide fame, which releases massive amounts of dopamine, stimulating their pleasure centers over and over as strangers recognize them everywhere they go, often begging for autographs or screaming their names. Repeated, intense activation of the pleasure centers wears them out, much like a cocaine high that lessens with frequent use of the drug. Over time, if these stars are not careful, it takes more and more dopamine-producing activities —more fame, falling in love, affairs with multiple partners, drugs, racing cars, and even stealing —just to feel normal or not to feel depressed. So many Hollywood actors, singers, sports figures, and celebrity pastors have followed this tragic pattern that I have a prayer for young stars-in-the-making: “God, please don’t let them be famous before their brains develop” —which, as we have seen, is usually around the age of 25.
If the pleasure centers become damaged by overuse, toxins, or head trauma, or if dopamine is excessively high for prolonged periods, the ventral tegmental area, nucleus accumbens, and basal ganglia become less responsive. The dopamine high stops being as intense as it once was. This increases the risk of depression —or addiction to substances that people turn to in order to fix the bad feelings caused by the numbing of these brain regions. The addictive substances include nicotine, alcohol, methamphetamines, cocaine, pornography, and food (specifically, foods high in sugar and fat). When a powerful release of dopamine hits the pleasure centers, increases euphoria, and then wears off, people can feel flat or depressed and start craving a way out of the bad feelings. As a result, they reengage in the actions that intensely ramped up their dopamine levels in the first place. Over time, it takes more and more of the substance to get the same response. This is the cycle of addiction.
THE ADDICTION CYCLE
Many forces in our changing society, besides fame, are putting excessive demands on our pleasure centers. Text messaging, e-mail, video games, social media, television, and using multiple electronic devices can overstimulate our pleasure centers in the same way that cocaine does, psychologist Archibald Hart warned in Thrilled to Death: How the Endless Pursuit of Pleasure Is Leaving Us Numb.[225] We all know people who are glued to their smartphones even while they are talking to others. For these people, every time their devices ping to signal a new incoming message, it causes a small release of dopamine. Television is all about “breaking news” and quick, high-intensity action (think Game of Thrones). Dopamine is constantly released in video gamers as they play, and the games were specifically designed to hook your attention, according to Nir Eyal’s Hooked. As video game and technology usage goes up, so do depression and obesity.[226] Ian Bogost, famed video game designer (Cow Clicker and Cruel 2 B Kind) and chair of media studies and professor of interactive computing at the Georgia Institute of Technology, called these new habit-forming technologies “the cigarette of this century” and warned of their “equally addictive and potentially destructive side effects.”[227]
And that’s not all. Have you ever wondered why there are so many horror films? Why, in addition to the movie Saw, are there also Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, Saw VI, Saw 3D (VII), and Jigsaw (VIII)? I once asked a producer why he made Piranha 3D, a horror film about a horde of razor-teeth-equipped prehistoric piranhas, released by a tremor beneath a lake, that wreak havoc on bikini-clad coeds on spring break. He said, “People want them, they go see them, and they make money.” Even just watching the trailer will give you a dopamine jolt.
In short, our devices,[228] online communities, games, TV-watching habits, and scary movies are wearing out our pleasure centers and changing our brains. Our fast-paced, pleasure-seeking lifestyle is robbing us of the ability to experience joy from the simple things in life. Things that once made us happy —such as a smile from a friend, a glorious sunset, or a great tennis match —have lost the power to move us. Our excessive pursuit of constant thrills, Archibald Hart suggested, may contribute to emotional problems, such as depression and anxiety, as well as addictions to drugs, alcohol, Internet gambling, pornography, and compulsive shopping.[229]
Even new love, for millennials at least, has turned into a video game. Amen Clinics collaborated with The Dr. Oz Show on a brain imaging–Tinder experiment with several thirtysomething men and women to determine the effect of the dating app on mood and focus. If they were lucky enough to get a “swipe right” —meaning someone using the dating app liked their pictures and short bio —it increased activity in the pleasure and mood centers of their brains. If, however, there were fewer “swipes right” and more “swipes left,” indicating rejection, their brains were more vulnerable to pain and depression.
In 2005, anthropologist Helen Fisher from Rutgers University published a groundbreaking study using functional MRI (fMRI) brain scans of college students who viewed pictures of someone who was special to them along with those of acquaintances. The pictures of their loved ones activated the pleasure centers in their brains, rich in the “feel-good” neurotransmitter dopamine that’s involved with attention and the motivation to pursue and acquire rewards.[230] That is why, when you do find a match on a dating site or at work or church, the high of new love can feel like an addiction with its euphoria, craving, withdrawal, and the need for more and more to feel good.[231] New love works in the same areas of the brain as cocaine and can cause people to feel giddy, anxious, uncertain, or obsessed; irrationally notice the positive and completely miss the negative; make poor decisions; have trouble sleeping; and feel as if they are on a roller coaster.
When new love is rejected, the brain’s pain centers are activated, making it more likely that people will drink alcohol or use drugs to counteract the negative feelings. Alternatively, if the high of new love simply wears off, the other person’s faults become easy to see, and couples can more rationally decide whether to stay together or separate. It is for this reason that you should be very cautious about marrying someone within the first few months of meeting. You can’t be certain if you’re marrying the actual person or a dopamine-induced illusion.
New research also shows that lasting love, even after 20 years or more, can still activate the brain’s pleasure centers, but in different ways than new love. Lasting love provides a deeper sense of bonding and connection, peace, happiness, and warmth —more akin to the warmth of heroin than the jolt of cocaine. The feeling of being high on heroin was once anonymously described as “being cradled to sleep by God, wrapped up in a warm, luxurious blanket that shields you from all your worldly fears, angers, and pains.” While the pain of a new-love breakup feels awful, leaving a long-term love relationship is typically much worse, more akin to heroin withdrawal. Many people describe it as having their skin ripped off while they are awake. It is often associated with symptoms similar to heroin withdrawal as well —diarrhea, nausea, depression, and a sense of hopelessness that can go on for months, together with anxiety, panic, and sleeplessness. Cleary, love’s connection with our pleasure centers is powerful.
Research has also shown that having passion for your work[232] and even being a sports fanatic[233] can activate the reward or pleasure circuits deep within the brain, and like love, these experiences can be extremely positive —or negative. They can make us feel balanced or unbalanced. As we mentioned in chapter 3, at Amen Clinics we did the first and largest brain imaging study on active and retired NFL players. As you might imagine, we saw high levels of brain damage in players, but we also saw the possibility of recovery in 80 percent of them.[234] In addition, depression was very high in these players —four times the national average. Brain trauma (from hits and concussions) is certainly one of the causes of depression, but many of the players also clearly missed football. They missed the camaraderie, the game itself, the competition, the money, the adulation of the crowds, and the fame. When the game was gone from their lives, the dopamine drip of positive football pleasure chemicals was also gone, which contributed to their depression.
Whenever one door of love, passion, or purpose closes, it is critical to find others to replace it with in order to keep your pleasure centers functioning and releasing dopamine in a healthy way. If you don’t, you are more prone to low feelings and depression. That’s why depression is more common after retirement, especially when retirees don’t find a new source of passion and purpose. In fact, although retirement can initially boost your health, it later increases your risk of clinical depression by 40 percent while raising your chances of being diagnosed with a physical condition or illness by 60 percent.[235]
HOW TO PROTECT YOUR PLEASURE CENTERS TO FEEL BETTER FAST AND CREATE LIFELONG JOY
With so many diversions in our lives that have the potential to negatively affect our pleasure centers and keep us from experiencing purpose and passion for the things we value most, we need to act. Here are some simple steps to take in order to protect your pleasure centers and keep them healthy:
- Limit or completely eliminate the use of constantly stimulating devices and activities, such as smartphones, gaming, shopping, pornography, scary movies, and high-risk activities (see page 187 for a longer list).
- Engage in regular physical exercise, especially something you love that does not endanger your brain, such as dancing, swimming, or tennis.
- Meditate —it protects the brain while enhancing a sense of well-being.
- Make time to laugh —humor enhances the pleasure centers without wearing them out.
- Connect meaningful activities with pleasure, such as volunteering for activities you love. One example: I love table tennis and enjoy keeping score for others during tournaments.
- Start every day by thinking of three things for which you are grateful (a small dopamine drip) and one person you appreciate (another small dopamine drip), then reach out through text or e-mail to tell that person you appreciate him or her. (See chapter 5, pages 110–111.) You are building a bridge of gratitude. If the person responds, it is yet another, maybe bigger, dopamine drip.
- Seek pleasure in the little things in your life, such as a walk with a friend, holding hands with your spouse, a great meal, or a meaningful church service.
- Eat foods that contain dopamine-boosting properties, such as chicken, turkey, seafood, almonds, pumpkin and sesame seeds, turmeric, oregano,[236] vegetables (for folate and magnesium), olive oil, and green tea.
- Consider supplements to support dopamine, such as omega-3 fatty acids, SAMe, and green tea extract. Don’t try them all at once; try them one at a time to see which ones work best for you. For more information, see chapter 10.
POSITIVE THINGS THAT ACTIVATE DOPAMINE |
POTENTIALLY NEGATIVE THINGS THAT ACTIVATE DOPAMINE |
Meaning and purpose |
Jumping out of airplanes |
Lasting love |
Repeatedly falling in love |
Volunteering |
High-risk sports (e.g., helicopter skiing) |
Relationships |
Extramarital affairs |
New learning |
Excessive video games |
Traveling |
Pornography |
Spiritual experiences |
Cocaine |
Gratitude/appreciation |
Fame |
Winning by striving to be your best |
Winning by hurting others |
Losing (when it motivates practice) |
Losing (when it causes pain) |
Digital discipline |
Undisciplined digital behavior |
Pumpkin seeds |
Methamphetamines |
Green tea |
Alcohol |
SAMe |
Scary movies |
L-tyrosine |
Gossiping |
Bacopa |
|
Omega-3 fatty acids |
FINDING PURPOSE AND MEANING: DR. VIKTOR FRANKL’S CONTRIBUTION
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
Having purpose in life will give you a constant, never-ending drip of dopamine. This has been my personal experience over the past three decades. It starts by knowing what gives your life a deep sense of meaning. As we’ve mentioned, Dr. Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist and World War II concentration camp survivor. He was also the father of logotherapy, a form of psychotherapy based on the idea that humans are strongly motivated to live with purpose. He believed that we can find meaning as a result of responding genuinely and compassionately to life’s challenges. My friend Dr. Jeff Zeig, who personally knew Dr. Frankl, told me that he heard Dr. Frankl say, “If it is meaningful, I do it. If it is not meaningful, I don’t have time for it.”[237]
“If it is meaningful, I do it. If it is not meaningful, I don’t have time for it.”
—Dr. Viktor Frankl
In a world of constant, meaningless distractions, this is incredibly important advice. Ask yourself, What am I doing that is meaningful that I could do more of, and what am I doing that is meaningless that I could do less of?
Before World War II, Frankl, who was living in Austria, applied for and received a visa to go to the United States. His sister also got a visa and emigrated to Australia just as Hitler’s power was growing and the barbarism in Austria was increasing. With his visa in hand, Frankl was in a quandary about whether to stay or leave. One day he was ruminating about his choice —staying to protect his parents or leaving to escape the concentration camps and continue with his work. At his parents’ home he saw a piece of marble marked with one of the Hebrew letters from the Ten Commandments. His father had found it at the site of the largest synagogue in Vienna, which had been burned.[238] Frankl asked his father, “What letter is this?” His father said, “Well, it could only be one of the Commandments, ‘Honor thy father and mother.’” At that moment, Frankl decided to give up his visa. As he explained to Dr. Zeig, “You could look at [the marble] as just a piece of calcium carbonate —it was nothing.” But when he could project meaning into that moment, it changed the direction and destiny of his life.[239]
When Frankl was taken to his first concentration camp, he brought a manuscript, which he hid inside the lining of his coat in an attempt to save it. Of course, as soon as he arrived at the camp, the guards stripped him and he lost everything. This experience led him to break from the then-popular theories of Dr. Abraham Maslow. If you remember your college introductory psychology course, you may recall that Maslow created a “hierarchy of needs.” He theorized that unless your basic needs were met, you could not do things that were transcendent. Frankl believed that Maslow was wrong —that even in the most horrific, barbaric circumstances, there was still the possibility that you could create meaning. In the camps, Frankl saw people who were not safe, were without proper clothing, had little food, and were stripped of every dignity still make heroic contributions if they could find the purpose in their situations. He believed that people in all circumstances have a choice in how they respond, even to suffering. He also disagreed with the behaviorists at the time, who believed that humans responded to a stimulus with a predictable response. Stephen Covey has written about finding words that he believed crystallize Frankl’s teaching on suffering: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”[240]
Resilience, Frankl believed, stemmed from love. When he was dealing with frostbite and swollen legs, didn’t have warm clothes, and had to work in ice-cold conditions, Frankl said that he survived by looking up at the sky and thinking of his wife, Tilly. He would focus on love and recognize that it was the most profound and meaningful virtue. It was the central point that could help him survive the horrors he was living through. When you are facing a difficult situation, having something purposeful to focus on, particularly love, crystallizes resilience. To recover from the horror of being in the camps, Frankl knew that meaning and purpose were a critical part of the healing process.
Frankl believed there were three ways to create meaning:
- Purposeful work, or being productive —asking questions such as “Why is the world a better place because I am here?” or “What do I contribute?”
- Love —loving the people who are central to our lives
- Courage in the face of difficulty —shouldering whatever difficult fate we have and helping others shoulder theirs[241]
In the midst of difficulty, Frankl said, “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms —to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”[242] He encouraged his patients to see meaning in life’s moments and to direct their focus away from painful ones to more appealing circumstances. “Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire,” Frankl said.[243] “Self-transcendence provides a pathway to ultimate meaning.”[244]
He also helped people find meaning through
- Creative values —what we create, achieve, and accomplish
- Experiential values —experiencing what is good, true, and beautiful, or fully knowing another human
- Attitudinal values —looking for meaning in situations, even those that appear meaningless[245]
There is a story, for example, about Frankl treating an older doctor who could not stop grieving the loss of his wife. He asked the man, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?”
“Oh,” the man replied, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!”
Frankl said, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering —to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.”
The man said nothing but shook Frankl’s hand and left his office. Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation . . . we are challenged to change ourselves. . . . In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”[246] While we can’t avoid suffering, we can choose how to respond to it. When we discover meaning in it, we can move forward.
ONE-PAGE MIRACLE: HOW TO FOCUS ON LOVE, MEANING, AND PURPOSE
In my work with patients, I ask all of them to get clarity of purpose by completing an exercise I call the One-Page Miracle (OPM). Completing it allows you to define what you want and to focus like a laser on your life’s meaning and purpose.
When you tell your brain what you want, your balanced brain will help you align your behavior to get it! Whatever your brain sees, it helps to make happen. If you focus on negativity, you will feel depressed. If you focus on fear, you are likely to feel anxious. If you focus on achieving your goals with passion and purpose, you are much more likely to achieve them. Too many people are thrown around by the whims of the day, rather than using their brains to guide their paths.
The OPM will help guide your thoughts, words, and actions. I call it the One-Page Miracle because I have seen this exercise quickly focus and change many people’s lives.
To develop your own OPM, ask yourself what you truly want in the following areas, including how those areas give you love, meaning, and purpose.
What do I want in my relationships with my
partner
children
parents
siblings
extended family
friends
What do I want in my work?
What do I want in my finances?
What do I want for myself in these arenas?
Physical
Emotional
Spiritual
Creative
Experiential
Attitudinal
Also, ask yourself,
What makes me happy?
What do I naturally pay attention to?
What kind of books do I read?
What do I love to talk or learn about?
What work would I do for free?
What boosts dopamine for me —gives me a jolt of joy and pleasure?
What are my strengths?
Where can I add value or make a difference?
How do I believe my life will be measured —by my friends, my family, and my God?
KNOW YOUR PURPOSE IN FIVE MINUTES
One of my favorite TEDx talks is on how to find your life’s purpose in five minutes, by Adam Leipzig, CEO of Entertainment Media Partners; it has more than 10 million views.[247] Leipzig started by telling a story about his 25th college reunion at Yale University. He said he made an astounding discovery: 80 percent of his privileged, well-off, powerful friends were unhappy with their lives, despite being on their second spouses and second houses. The difference between them and the 20 percent who were happy was “knowing their purpose,” which makes sense given the research we’ve discussed. To know your purpose, Leipzig said, you have to know the answers to five simple questions:
- Who are you? What is your name?
- What do you love to do? Examples include writing, cooking, designing, creating, speaking, teaching, crunching numbers, etc. To get clarity of purpose, ask yourself, “What is the one thing I do where I feel supremely qualified to teach others?”
- Whom do you do it for? Or, how does your work connect you to others?
- What do those people want or need from you?
- How do they change as a result of what you do?
When I answer these questions, it looks like this:
- My name is Daniel.
- I love optimizing people’s brains and inspiring people to care about their brains. I love doing it within the context of our team at Amen Clinics.
- We do it for our families as well as for those who come to our clinics, read our books, or watch our shows.
- The people we touch want to suffer less, feel better, be sharper, and have greater control over their lives. They want better brains and better lives.
- As a result of what we do, people change by having better brains and better lives. They suffer less, become happier and healthier, and pass it on to others.
Notice that only two of the five questions are about you; three are about others.
There is a Chinese saying that goes, “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others.
Leipzig closed the talk by teaching us a powerful technique. He said, “When you’re at a gathering and someone asks you, ‘What do you do?’ answer by telling them the answer to question number five.” In my example, when people ask me what I do, I say, “As a result of what we do, people have better brains and better lives. They suffer less, become happier and healthier, and pass it on to others.” By answering that simple question, I get to share my life purpose with everyone I meet, which certainly produces a bit of dopamine to press on my pleasure centers. How would you answer that question?
FIVE STRATEGIES TO CREATE LASTING JOY AND FEEL BETTER FAST
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrapheap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
1. Focus on what you want —on what gives you passion and purpose.
Read your OPM daily and ask yourself, Is my behavior getting me what I want? With my wife, Tana, for example, I deeply desire a lifelong relationship that is kind, caring, loving, supportive, and passionate. I don’t always feel like it in the moment, but that is what I always want. Having a close relationship with her will help me feel happy and stable and is incredibly important to my sense of meaning and purpose. Know what you want, write it down, and look at it every day. It will encourage your brain to help make it happen.
2. Limit or completely eliminate low-value dopamine-producing activities or substances that wear out your pleasure centers.
These include
- Caffeine
- Nicotine
- Excessive television
- Excessive video games
- Pornography
- Undisciplined digital behavior
- Scary movies
3. Engage in high-value activities that increase dopamine and strengthen your brain.
Here are a number of examples:[248]
- Sunlight (vitamin D)
- Exercise
- Meditation
- Yoga
- Touch
- Massage therapy
- Pleasurable music
- DHA from fish oil
- Olive oil
- Green tea
- Protein-rich diet
- Turmeric
- Oregano
- Magnesium
- Resveratrol
4. Focus each moment on living with meaning and purpose.
Ask yourself, Do the foods I am eating, the exercises I am doing, the conversations I am having, and the activities I am engaging in have meaning? Toward the end of his life, Viktor Frankl would only do things that were deeply significant to him. He received thousands of requests but focused his efforts on just those that were the most meaningful to him. He was afraid of flying, so he actually took up flying small planes to overcome his fear. He once said, “There are some things about myself I don’t have to tolerate.”[249] His is such a powerful model for living. Look at your day —where are you spending your time? Does it help you reach your OPM goals? Get rid of the things in your life that do not fit your goals.
One of my friends, Larry, an attorney in New York, complained that his three-year-old daughter, Lara, wanted nothing to do with him when he came home. He said, “That must be a girl thing. At that age, they just want their mothers.”
“Nonsense,” I replied, “you’re not spending enough time with her.” I knew he was working too late and just using “It’s a girl thing” as a rationalization.
He complained that there were too many things happening at work that he could not let go. I had Larry do the One-Page Miracle exercise, and afterward it was clear that his wife and daughter were very important to him. Then I asked him to be aware of all his activities at work for a week. Keeping detailed notes on his activities each day, he could tell he was wasting a lot of time: He walked to the coffee shop twice a day for drinks; three or four times a week he went to lunch with friends; and he constantly took phone calls from colleagues who had questions about their businesses. I asked him to define his work goals and figure out what were the most important things for him to be doing at work. What were the tasks and activities that built and sustained his business? He wrote three things:
- Take great care of my current clients,
- Develop new clients, and
- Spend 10 percent of my time on pro bono work.
I suggested he let go of anything unrelated to these three goals. Then I told him about one of the most powerful exercises I have ever given parents —“special time,” where you spend 20 minutes a day with a child, doing something he or she chooses to do. (I describe it in chapter 6, page 139.) Larry did it faithfully every day with Lara, and at work he focused on what was truly important to him. He brought his coffee to work, he limited lunch with friends to once a week, and he screened calls. Within a month, he was coming home earlier, and whenever he walked through the door, Lara ran to her daddy, wrapped her tiny arms around his legs, and hugged him closely. He was happier than ever. Be sure you spend time on the things that matter.
5. Live with the end in mind.
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneer in near-death studies and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, said, “It is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living empty, purposeless lives; for when you live as if you’ll live forever, it becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do.”[250] If you truly want to live a purposeful life, live with the end in mind. None of us knows when death is going to come, but if you knew you would be dead in a week, a month, a year, or five years, what would matter to you most? Where and with whom would you spend your time? In college I took a death and dying course in which we studied Dr. Kübler-Ross’s work. Our final paper was writing our own funeral service, which has had an impact on me ever since. I picked Louis Armstrong’s song “When the Saints Go Marching In” as one of the music pieces.
What will matter toward the end of your life? What will you want to be doing? Whom will you want to be with? What will have mattered in your life? If you live that way along the journey, you’ll find your life more purposeful, more meaningful, and more filled with love.
TINY HABITS THAT CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER FAST —AND LEAD TO BIG CHANGES
Each of these habits takes just a few minutes. They are anchored to something you do (or think or feel) so that they are more likely to become automatic. Once you do the behaviors you want, find a way to make yourself feel good about them —draw a happy face, pump your fist, or do whatever feels natural. Emotion helps the brain to remember.
- When I need to get work done, I will put my smartphone on “Do not disturb” as a discipline to be more focused and to stop the constant pings or drips of dopamine it tries to addict me to.
- When I am on the train or bus to work, I will read my One-Page Miracle and ask myself, “Will my behavior today get me what I want?”
- When I start getting upset about something happening in my day, I’ll ask myself, “Does this have eternal value?”
- When it is sunny outdoors, I will take a walk to soak up the sunshine and boost my vitamin D level.
- When I start the coffee or tea in the morning, I’ll think of three things for which I’m grateful.
- Once a week, I will watch a comedy to boost my dopamine level (Whose Line Is It Anyway? is a great show to start with).
- Before I go to bed, I will write down one purposeful thing I did that day.
FIVE STRATEGIES TO CREATE LASTING JOY AND FEEL BETTER FAST
To live with love, passion, meaning, and purpose over a prolonged period of time,
- Focus on what you want —on what gives you passion and purpose.
- Limit or completely eliminate low-value dopamine-producing activities or substances that wear out your pleasure centers.
- Engage in high-value activities that increase dopamine and strengthen your brain.
- Focus each moment on living with meaning and purpose.
- Live with the end in mind.