The Man Who Bit Off His Own Nose
from Grove of Laughter (Hsiao-lin)1
Han-tan Ch’un2 (fl. early 3rd century).
While A and B were having a fight, A bit off B’s nose. When a government official wished to prosecute him, A claimed that B had bitten off his own nose. “A person’s nose is higher than his mouth,” said the official, “so how could he have reached his nose to bite it off?” “He stepped up on a bed and bit it off’ was A’s reply.
The Frog That Was Afraid of Being Executed
from Master Mugwort’s Miscellany (Ai Tzu tsa-shuo)
Compiled by Su Tung-p’o (1037–1101)
Master Mugwort was floating his boat on a lake and stopped one evening to moor it on an islet. At night, he heard the sound of crying beneath the water. Since it also seemed as though someone were talking, he listened more closely. This is what he heard: “Yesterday the dragon king issued an order that all members of the watery tribe who have tails should be beheaded. I’m a water-lizard, so I’m crying because I’m afraid of being executed. But you’re a frog who has no tail. Why should you cry?” Then he heard another voice say, “I’m lucky that I don’t have any tail now, but I’m worried that I’ll be treated for what I was as a tadpole.”
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
from A Collection of Witticisms
Liu Yüan-ch’ing (Ming period)
The magistrate of Canton, by nature, enjoyed being flattered. Whenever he issued a directive, his underlings would join in unanimous praise, which would make the magistrate happy. A retainer who wished to curry favor with him calculatingly said to the person standing next to him, “Almost everyone who occupies a position of power over the people enjoys being flattered by others. Only our host is different—he despises those who praise him.” When the magistrate heard these words, he immediately called the retainer forward. Patting his chest with satisfaction and prancing with glee, he commended the retainer endlessly, saying, “Splendid! You’re the only one who understands my heart! What an excellent retainer!” From that time on, the magistrate increased his intimacy with the retainer.
Monkey Business
from Grove of Laughter (Hsiao-lin)
Master Bottoms Up (Fu-pai Chu-jen) (Ming period)
A monkey who had died went before the king of the underworld and requested that he be reborn as a human being. “If you want to be a human being,” said the king, “then you must pull out all of the hairs on your body.” Whereupon he called his yakṣa3-guards to start pulling out the monkey’s hairs. The monkey, unable to endure the pain, cried out. “You’re not even willing to part with a single hair,” said the king with a laugh. “How could you be a man?”
A Quick Bow
from Grove of Laughter
Master Bottoms Up
A man who performed his bows much too quickly often offended other people. Someone instructed him, saying, “When you bow, recite the names of the months from the first to the second and all the way to the twelfth before you finish. That way you will naturally bow slowly.”
One day, the man met a friend of his on the street and bowed to him very slowly as he had been told. By the time he finished his bow, the friend had already gone off. Whereupon the man asked a bystander, “Which month did he leave?”
Tofu
from Grove of Laughter
Master Bottoms Up
A man who had a guest for dinner served him only various dishes made with tofu. As he did so, he said out loud to himself, “Tofu is my life! In my estimation, no other flavor can match it.”
On another day, the man went to the home of his former guest and the latter, remembering his culinary preferences, added tofu to the meat and fish dishes. But the man picked out only the meat and fish, gorging himself on them.
“I once heard you say, ’Tofu is my life!’ How come you’re not eating any of it today?” asked the former guest.
“When I get a glimpse of meat and fish,” replied the man, “I’d even give up my life!”
Geomancy
from Grove of Laughter
Master Bottoms Up
There was a firm believer in geomancy who would always consult a yin-yang diviner before he made the slightest move. One day, just as he happened to be seated at the base of an earthen wall, the wall toppled over upon him. Pinned beneath it, the man frantically called out for someone to come save his life.
When his family heard him crying out and saw him pinned beneath the wall, they wanted to rescue him. At the same time, however, they immediately remembered that he was ordinarily such an ardent believer in geomancy, so they dared not act rashly. Instead, they consoled him, saying, “Just be patient for a while until we can go ask the yin-yang master whether today’s a good day for moving earth.”
Borrowing an Ox
from Grove of Laughter
Master Bottoms Up
A person came bearing a note asking to borrow a plow-ox from a rich old man. The rich man was just at that moment entertaining guests and didn’t want to let them know that he was illiterate. So he opened the seal on the note and, pretending to read it, said,“I understand. I’ll come over in a few minutes and do it myself.”
A Seven for Elocution
from Jests (T’iao-nüeh)
compiled by Wang Shih-chen (1526–1590)
The following story was told by Li Hsiao-chang.
When Kuo Kung-fu was passing through Hangchow, he brought out a scroll of his poems which he showed to Su Tung-p’o and then proceeded to recite them himself. The sound of his voice reverberated in every corner of the room.
When he was finished, he said to Tung-p’o, “How would you rate my poems?”
“I’d give ’em a ten,” said Tung-p’o.
Delighted, Kung-fu asked, “On what basis did you rate them?”
“I gave them a seven for elocution,” said Tung-p’o, “and a three for the poetry. Doesn’t that add up to a ten?”
The Wife Who Was Born Under the Sign of the Ox
from Treasury of Laughs (Hsiao-fu)
Master of the Ink Idiot’s Studio (Mo-han-chai chu-jen),
Feng Meng-lung (1574–1645)
The subordinates of a prefect who was having a birthday heard that he was born under the sign of the rat, so they each contributed some gold from which a full-scale rat was cast to celebrate his longevity. Much pleased, the prefect said, “Did you know that my bosom mate’s birthday is coming up soon? She was born under the sign of the ox.”
Dreaming of the Duke of Chou4
from Treasury of Laughs
Feng Meng-lung
A teacher who had fallen asleep during the daytime woke up and fibbed, saying, “I was dreaming of the Duke of Chou.” The next day, his pupil emulated him, but the teacher woke him up with the swat of a paddle and said, “How could you do such a thing?” “I, too, dreamed that I went to see the Duke of Chou,” said the pupil. “What did the Duke of Chou say to you?” asked the teacher. The pupil answered, “The Duke of Chou said, ‘I did not see your respected teacher yesterday.’”
The God of the Archery Target Helps Win the War
from Expanded Treasury of Laughs (Kuang hsiao-fu)
Feng Meng-lung
A military officer engaged in a campaign was on the verge of being defeated when suddenly a superhuman warrior joined his formation so that he ended up achieving a great victory instead. The officer kowtowed before the warrior and asked to know his name. “I am the spirit of the archery target,” said the superhuman warrior. “What virtue does a humble general like me have that would induce you, O honored spirit, to trouble yourself to come to my aid?” To which the spirit replied, “I was moved by the fact that, in the past, when you practiced on the archery range, you never once wounded me with an arrow.”
Vegetables, Wine, et nihil alter5
from Expanded Treasury of Laughs
Feng Meng-lung
A Confucian official who had to go to meet a superior of his had just gotten on his horse and was ready to leave when a fellow villager dropped in for a visit. Not having leisure to give detailed instructions to his wife, he told her curtly, “Offer him vegetables, wine, et nihil alter.”
His wife, who couldn’t understand literary language, had no idea that et nihil alter meant “and nothing else.” After consulting with the maids and servants, she believed that when her husband said alter, he must have meant tail. By “tail,” she guessed that he must have been referring to the long-tailed goat that they kept, so she butchered the goat and prepared a rich feast for the visitor who ate it and then left.
The Confucian official returned and asked his wife why she had butchered the goat. When he found out, he sighed and lamented that she had been needlessly extravagant. His chagrin over the loss of the goat was endless. Later on, whenever the official would go out, he would invariably order his wife, saying, “From now on, if guests come when I’m away, just give them ‘vegetables and wine.’ Be sure not to give them any ‘ et nihil alter.’”
Comparing Ages
from Expanded Treasury of Laughs
Feng Meng-lung
A man with a newborn daughter was visited by another man who had a boy two years old and who wished to make a match between the two children.6 The first man was indignant, saying, “My daughter’s in her first year 7 and your son’s in his second year. When my daughter turns ten, your son will be twenty. It wouldn’t be right for her to be married to such an old husband!”
When the first man’s wife heard what had happened, she said, “You fool! Our daughter’s one now, but next year she’ll be as old as their boy. What’s wrong with a match like that?”
That’s Preposterous!
from In Praise of Laughter (Hsiao tsan)
Chao Nan-hsing (Ming period)
A man who was trying to improve his vocabulary heard someone say “That’s preposterous!”8 and, falling in love with the expression, he practiced using it from time to time. It so happened, however, that once when he was busily concerned with crossing a river in a ferryboat he suddenly forgot it, so he kept walking around the boat trying to recover it. A boatman asked whether he had lost something, to which he replied, “Yes, a sentence.”
“Whoever heard of losing a sentence?” said the boatman. “That’s preposterous!”
“You found it for me,” said the man. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”
Severe Amnesia
from Further Tales of Master Mugwort (Ai Tzu hou yü)
Lu Shao (Ming period)
There was a man from Ch’i who suffered from amnesia. If he were walking, he would forget to stop, and if he lay down, he would forget to get up. His wife was worried about him and so she said, “I’ve heard that Master Mugwort is a humorous and wise man and that he can cure diseases that other doctors consider to be hopeless. Why don’t you go and make him your teacher?” “All right,” said the man, whereupon he got on his horse and went off with his bow and arrow tucked under his arm. Before he had completed the first stage 9 of his journey, his bowels felt distended so he got off his horse to relieve himself. He stuck his arrow in the ground and tied his horse to a tree. After he had finished his bowel movement, he turned to the left and saw his arrow. “Boy, was that close!” he said. “I wonder where that came from? It almost struck me!” Then he turned to the right and exclaimed with delight, “Although that whizzing arrow gave me quite a fright, I’ve found myself a horse!” As he grabbed the reins and started to turn the horse around, he stepped in his own mess. Stomping his foot, he said, “Drat! I would have to step in a pile of dog-do and get my shoe all dirty!”
He whipped up the horse and headed it for home. When he reached there, he paced back and forth outside the gate, saying, “Whose place is this? Could it be Master Mugwort’s residence?” Just at that moment, his wife caught sight of him and, realizing that he was experiencing another bout of forgetfulness, she scolded him. Annoyed, the man said to his wife, “Look, lady, I’ve never met you before. So why are you chewing me out?”
Dying for Money
from Sequel to Ticklish Tales (Hsi-t’an hsü lu)
Man of the Way from Smallstone (Ch’ing period)
A traveler who was returning to his village with all of his luggage passed through Shantung on his way home. The province was experiencing a great famine and the number of poor people who had died was incalculable. All the inns had been deserted and were no longer accepting guests. The traveler was forced to put up in a temple. In the east wing of the temple he saw several dozen coffins, but in the western wing there was only one coffin that stood all alone in magnificent isolation. After the third watch, around midnight, a hand extended from each of the coffins. The hands were all sallow and skinny, except for the hand that reached out of the coffin in the western wing, which was fat and fair. The traveler, being a bold fellow by nature, looked about him to the left and the right, then said with a laugh, “I suppose you bunch of poor ghosts are all dead broke and want some money from me, right?”
Thereupon he opened his purse and put a big coin in each of the extended hands. All of the ghosts’ hands in the eastern wing withdrew into their coffins, but the hand of the ghost in the western wing remained extended as before.
“It looks like a single coin won’t satisfy you,” said the traveler, “so I’d better give you some more.”
The traveler added an additional hundred coins for the ghost in the western wing, but its hand still did not move. Becoming angry, the traveler said, “What an insolent wretch! Your greed is insatiable!” In the end, however, he took out two strings of cash with a thousand coins in each which he placed in the outstretched palm, whereupon the ghost withdrew its hand instantly.
Surprised by what happened, the traveler picked up a lamp and shone it around on all sides of the temple. What he discovered was that all of the coffins in the eastern wing had written on them “So-and-so Who Died of Starvation.” Only the single coffin in the western wing had written on it “Casket of His Honor So-and-So, the Jailor of Such-and-Such a District.”
Conversation Between a Senior Official and His Subordinate
from Sequel to Ticklish Tales
Man of the Way from Smallstone
A district duty officer who had obtained his position through purchase did not understand Mandarin.10 After he took office, he paid a courtesy call upon a regional official who asked him, “What are the customs like in your honorable district?”
“People don’t cuss much there and there aren’t many toms either.”
“How are the fingerlings this year?”
“Finger rings cost two hundred and eighty cash.”
“Are there many contributions of gentry grain?”
“Your servant’s teeth gently gleam.”
“How are the commoners getting on?”
“We only have a couple of cummin bushes, but there are lots of cinnamon trees.”
“I was asking about the populace.”
“We’ve got lots of poplars, but they don’t produce much timber.”
“I wasn’t asking you about trees and such. What I am trying to find out about is the condition of the citizens.”
Standing up hurriedly, the duty officer replied, “I regret to inform you, sir, that I have a face full of zits and an arse full of wens.”
How to Get Rid of Robbers
from Bowled Over with Laughter (Hsiao-tao)
Ch’en Kao-mo (Ch’ing period)
A fool who heard that robbers had entered his courtyard gate quickly wrote the four words “Off Limits, Keep Out” on a piece of paper and stuck it on the door to the main hall of his house. When he heard that the robbers had already stepped into his main hall, he wrote “Road Closed” on another piece of paper and stuck it on the door to his inner chambers. When he heard that the robbers had already reached his inner chambers, he fled to the toilet. The robbers, hot on his trail, pursued him to the toilet, so he closed the door and coughed, saying, “Occupied.”
Moving the Statues of Lao Tzu and the Buddha
from Have a Good Laugh (Hsiao te hao)
Stone Becomes Gold (Shih Ch’eng-chin) (Ch’ing period)
There was a certain temple that had a clay image of Lao Tzu on the left side and a clay image of the Buddha on the right side. Upon seeing this arrangement, a Buddhist monk said, “The dharma of our Buddha is profound. How can he be placed to the right of Lao Tzu?” So he moved the statue of the Buddha to the left of Lao Tzu.
Some later time, upon seeing this new arrangement, a Taoist priest said, “The Taoist doctrine deserves the utmost respect. How can Lao Tzu be placed to the right of the Buddha?” So he moved the statue of Lao Tzu to the left of the Buddha.
This moving back and forth went on relentlessly until, before they knew what had happened, the monk and the priest has caused the statues made of mud to crumble.
“You and I were getting along all right,” said Lao Tzu with a laugh to the Buddha, “until those two scoundrels destroyed us with their constant moving.”
Blaming the Farter
from Have a Good Laugh
Shih Ch’eng-chin
Somebody farted in a group of people who were sitting around. Although they didn’t know for sure who it was, they all suspected a certain person, so they pointed at him and started to blame him. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t he who had left the fart. Instead of defending himself, however, the accused began to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” asked all the others.
To which he replied, “I’m having a good laugh at the guy who really left the fart but who is blaming me for it along with all the others.”
A Method for Taking a Nap
from Have a Good Laugh
Shih Ch’eng-chin
A nursemaid became exasperated when the little child she had just finished feeding kept crying and wouldn’t be quiet and go to sleep. All of a sudden, she called out to the child’s father to bring her a book quickly. When the father asked what for, she replied, “I’ve noticed that you always fall asleep when you start to read a book.”
The Odor’s Even Worse over Here
from Have a Good Laugh
Shih Ch’eng-chin
There was a wealthy old man who would from time to time leave an occasional fart in the presence of his guests. Once when he did so, two guests were sitting right next to him.
“Although your fart was loud,” said the first guest, “I can’t smell the slightest odor.”
“Not only is there no bad odor,” said the second guest, “on the contrary, there is a sort of extraordinary fragrance.”
Knitting his brows, the wealthy old man said, “I’ve heard that if someone’s farts don’t stink, his five viscera are internally damaged and that the time of his death is not far off. Do you suppose I’m about to die?”
The first guest fanned the air with his hand and went sniffing about with his nose. “Phew!” he said. “The odor’s finally hit me.”
The second guest wrinkled his nose and inhaled deeply through it. Then, covering his nose with his hands and furrowing his forehead, he said, “The odor’s even worse over here where I am!”
Goldfinger
from Have a Good Laugh
Shih Ch’eng-chin
A transcendent spirit who could transmute stone into gold appeared among mankind. He went about testing people, trying to find someone whose heart was not avaricious so that he could convert that person into a transcendent like himself. Though he searched the whole land over and transformed big rocks into gold at the touch of his finger, all whom he encountered complained that they were too tiny.
Finally, the transcendent met a person to whom he said as he pointed at a stone, “How would you like it if I touched this stone and turned it into gold for you?” The man shook his head to indicate that he didn’t want it. The transcendent suspected that the man had rejected the offer because the stone was too small, so he pointed at a big rock and said, “How would you like it if I touched this great big rock and turned it into gold for you?” Again the man shook his head to indicate that he didn’t want it. The old transcendent began to think that this man was completely without avariciousness, a rare person indeed, and someone who ought to be converted to transcendenthood. Consequently, he asked the man, “Since you want neither big nor little pieces of gold, what is it you’d like?”
The man extended his finger and said, “I don’t want anything at all. Just exchange for mine the tip of your finger which can transmute stone into gold at a touch, oh old transcendent. That way I can go about everywhere transmuting gold as I please and won’t even have to keep track of the amount.”
Translated by Victor H. Mair
Contrary to the view of China as a humorless country devoid of wit, the Middle Kingdom has a long and rich heritage of jokes and funny stories, some of them by well-known authors. The usual subjects of Chinese humor are physical deformities, bodily functions, stupidity, sons-in-law, blindness, illiteracy, misreading characters (i.e., sinographs), greedy officials, rich landlords, poverty, and other conditions that are highly revealing of social mores and customs. There are also more subtle types of humor, examples of which are included in this selection of jokes from collections made throughout the centuries.
1. The original work is lost, but twenty items from it are preserved in Extensive Records from the Reign of Great Peace (T’ai-p’ing kuang-chi).
2. The compiler had another name, Chu, which usually means “India.”
3. Demons who torment the occupants of hell.
4. An important figure in the founding and early rule of the Chou dynasty. “Dreaming of the Duke of Chou” is a conventional expression in Chinese that means approximately the same as “went to the Land of Nod,” except that it sounds as though something more important than mere sleep were taking place.
5. The proper Latin should be et nihil aliud or, better still, et neque aliud. But since the Confucian official who is the main character in this joke displays a rather shaky command of the classical language, it is not inappropriate to use a bit of inferior Latin to convey his errant pedantry.
6. Marriage alliances in traditional China were often contracted by parents while children were still in their infancy.
7. A Chinese baby was considered to be one sui (year) old at birth.
8. The original text has ch’i yu tz’u li, a Classical Chinese expression borrowed into Mandarin. Since this expression is actually a whole question sentence in Classical Chinese (“How can there be such a principle?”) and is completely based on Classical Chinese vocabulary and grammar, it can be learned by Mandarin speakers only through rote memory.
9. Thirty tricents (about ten miles).
10. Mandarin (< Sanskrit mantrin [“counselor”]) quite literally means “language of the officials.” The Mandarin equivalent of this word is kuan-hua (official speech). Mandarin was the vernacular language employed by members of the Chinese bureaucracy who hailed from different parts of the country and, as such, spoke a variety of more or less mutually unintelligible native languages and topolects. Mandarin was based upon—but not entirely equivalent to—the language of the capital, being a somewhat refined version of the latter. This joke, which is challenging to render in English, reveals the difficulties inherent in forging a national bureaucracy from a multilingual constituency.