CHAPTER TWO

Growing Up As “The Fat Kid”

“Change your thoughts, and you change your world.”

– Norman Vincent Peale

While a lot of people remember their first year of school as being fun filled – playing games, singing songs, making new friends and sharing lunch – I remember my kindergarten days as being terrifying. I’d sit there watching the minutes on the smiley face clock tick away until I could go home to my mom where I was safe. Even a seemingly harmless game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” would leave me panic-stricken because once I was “it” I was never fast enough to touch another person. I felt I had no control. I just had to endure the laughter.

And so began my long and miserable voyage through the school system. I always wondered how the kids could be so mean – after all, what had I done to them? But it didn’t matter what I’d done to them. I was different from them, and kids don’t like different. When it comes to outsiders, none are tormented as mercilessly as the fat kid. The fat kid is everyone’s punching bag. No matter how short, nerdy, ugly, dumb or smart you are, you’re “allowed” to laugh at the fat kid. The fat kid makes everyone else feel superior.

I wish I could say that things improved after grade school. However, as with many people, the most difficult stage of my life started right after I turned 12. I don’t know what it is about kids of this age, but cruelty seems to reach a pinnacle during this time. I had just been invited over to a classmate’s house to work on a speech for class. It was thrilling for me because I was never invited to anyone’s house, ever. This classmate was part of the “in” crowd, which made it all the more exciting. My parents even took me to JC Penney to buy new clothes so I would fit in. What I didn’t yet understand was that no matter what I was wearing, I was still different. And I was about to learn (the hard way) that different kids don’t belong.

My classmate lived in a very large house, tucked into a wooded subdivision where the majority of the other kids lived too. That afternoon, we were working away on our speech in a room with floor-to-ceiling windows. Suddenly we heard loud voices coming from outside. I turned to see a huge group of kids from our class, boys and girls, looking in the windows and yelling out such hurtful and hateful things as: “Hey lard ass!” “You fat fag!” “You’re a tub of lard!” “Get the f*** out of here!”

I didn’t know how to react. As the adrenaline pumped through my body, the electrician in my brain was busy crossing wires and making some of those connections that I mentioned in the first chapter of this book. In my messed-up mind, engaging with others now equaled terrible pain and embarrassment. And since our brains try to keep us away from pain, I made certain to avoid any future circumstances where I would be alone with a classmate ever again. That afternoon was supposed to be happy and exciting – a big turnaround for me – but any happiness I had felt was utterly destroyed.

That event sent me into a deep depression. I didn’t want to go to school and face those kids anymore. Unfortunately, my experiences are not unique. It seems we are often hearing about yet another young person who has tragically chosen to end his or her life because of bullying. If you’re one of these people who is about to do the same, DO NOT. I’m living proof you don’t need to end it. There is so much waiting for you in the future. The fact that you’re reading this right now shows me that you are capable of loving yourself. Please know that you are not alone. I am there with you in spirit, and there are lots of great professionals out there who can help you on the path to feeling happy, strong and healthy.

In my case, the religion teacher, who also happened to be heavyset, was key to helping me cope. Just having someone who understood what I was going through really helped me to be strong and stay in school. Sticking it out did not mean living a normal school life, however. I would get my dad to drop me off at school before any of the other kids arrived so I could hide in the bathroom until class began. In seventh grade, I talked my way out of a class camping trip because I was so scared of those kids. It’s pretty sad that I’d rather do a full week of extra schoolwork than go camping with them.

Lunch-hour recess, a time most kids look forward to, was just another anxiety-inducing segment in an already stressful day. But in my efforts to avoid the other kids, I stumbled across something that turned out to be a blessing. It was then that I discovered a gift that gave me enough self-confidence to make friends and be a little more accepted in high school later on.

Our school had a wonderful music teacher named Valerie Fradkin. He was a Ukrainian who had come to the US shortly after the Chernobyl incident. He had been well known in his homeland and had one of the highest degrees, but because his credentials were obtained outside of the country, he had to start over. I would spend time with him at lunch recess so I could avoid the kids who tormented me. I would listen to him play piano and then play back exactly what I had heard. He compared me to Mozart, saying I had a great gift. I loved playing because it allowed me to escape from my daily hell, taking me to a magical world where I could express my emotions freely.

WITH MY BROTHER VINCE.

Looking back, I realize that music (and food) weren’t my only forms of escape. When I was quite young, I was also lucky enough to discover that I had a passion for magic tricks. I went to the library and borrowed a bunch of books on how to perform them, and I practiced and practiced. I would watch tapes of David Copperfield’s TV programs over and over, trying to figure out his secrets. He has an energy that charges up his audience and I quickly fell in love with the art. All of this practicing had kept me busy, giving me something other than my unhappiness to focus on, and – bonus! – it had made me quite good at magic tricks. This ability helped me live through the awkwardness of being fat by taking the focus off of my appearance and putting the focus on the trick. Suddenly I was interesting, and people were interested in me. My “performances” even brought a little joy to people’s lives.

I am extremely grateful to have discovered the gifts of music and magic. Although both were only a short-term fix, they did wonders for building my confidence and have given me great pleasure and many opportunities in life. I found things I could do that others couldn’t.

“I may have been an unusually fat kid, but my horrible eating habits were not that unusual.”

I was unique and so are you! Whether your gift is singing, dancing, working with animals, writing poetry, gardening … whatever it is, it’s in there somewhere! Now is the time to find it!

THIS IS CALLED IRONY

I often came home from school in tears. My mom, who was there to comfort me, knew that I was having a terrible time. She knew how much I hated going to school, how I got picked on and how unhappy I was. She loved me so much and wanted to help. She had grown up on a diet of junk food and knew that it was the one thing that put a smile on my face, so she made sure I had plenty of it to make me feel better. If I came home after a bad day – and as you can probably guess, most days were bad days – then a trip to McDonald’s was in order. She’d get me a Happy Meal complete with a new toy, to make my day sunny. Until recently I never thought about how ironic it was that she gave me foods that made me fat in order to help make up for the misery I felt because I was fat!

I may have been an unusually fat kid, but my horrible eating habits were not that unusual. I guess you could even say that I was on the cusp of a great American trend. According to the Centers for Disease Control, obesity rates in the US have been steadily increasing since 1985 (For a shocking and enlightening interactive year-by-year illustration, visit www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.html). Statistically, over a third of those kids who made my life miserable are now obese themselves. In fact, some of those kids who bullied me are now my devoted clients! Go figure!

And it’s no wonder. My school district, St. Louis, Missouri, recently won the prize as the school district with the worst health practices in the entire country¹. We had a lunch program in our school whereby we would pay around four dollars for lunch and only 50 cents for each extra helping. And I’m not talking about a healthy lunch here. No fruit. No vegetables. No healthy proteins or whole grains. We had butter noodles, pizza and other high-fat, simple-sugar lunches. And with each additional serving costing just 50 cents, I would go back again and again.

“I don’t think there is a word that can adequately describe the suffering that the fat kid goes through in gym class.”

An argument has been raging in recent years about whether or not schools should be allowed to serve unhealthy foods or whether they should be held accountable for kids’ health. I can see both sides of the argument. On the one hand, I do feel it is the parents’ responsibility to teach kids about nutrition, and the best place to teach them is by example in the home. On the other hand, if, like me, they are not being taught about nutrition in the home and are being fed garbage at school, then where are they supposed to learn how to eat properly?

Many schools have argued that they rely on their food programs to support school activities, and if they remove unhealthy foods from the menu they will lose overall revenue because kids won’t buy the healthy stuff. However, many of the schools across the country that have been bold enough to cut the worst foods and encourage kids to eat better report increased food revenue, so that argument is no longer valid.

GYM CLASS

I don’t think there is a word that can adequately describe the suffering that the fat kid goes through in gym class. Getting naked in front of the other boys was horrible. I knew my body didn’t look like theirs, and they knew it too. Not only was my stomach extremely large, but my thighs also stuck together and I had stretch marks all over my gut. I tried to be as invisible as possible, but the other kids had a keen curiosity and wanted to get a good look at this “different” body. They wanted to see the freak, so they could laugh and feel even more superior.

Unfortunately, the situation was far from improved once gym class actually began. I simply couldn’t do anything. I remember a time in sixth grade when we had to run a full mile for the Presidential Physical Fitness Test. This was actually a week of tests – things like pull-ups, sit-ups, long jump – activities we had no training or practice in, but were expected to do. The kids who played sports and were natural athletes looked forward to the opportunity to showcase their abilities. I, on the other hand, tried to fake being sick for a week so I wouldn’t have to go at all. But that didn’t work. I had to face the music. Even though I couldn’t finish many of the tests, I ended up “completing” them, thanks to a kind partner who risked failing the class by lying for me, saying I had finished when I hadn’t even done a third!

When the time came to do the mile run, it was a blistering hot day. We had to run a certain number of times around the asphalt parking lot as the sun beat down on us. All the fit kids finished really quickly, the average kids a minute or two after and then the slower kids a few minutes later. Me? I was determined to finish, but after every few steps I would have to rest and walk. My teacher even tried to get me to stop, but I wouldn’t. I felt like I was going to throw up all over the steaming hot pavement, but something kept me going. By the time I finished that mile, the rest of the kids were dressed in their uniforms and ready to go back to class. They all stood there at the window, watching me as I rounded the last lap. In my opinion, giving a physical test without providing a conditioning program to help students prepare is like giving a calculus test to students who have been working on addition all semester – and then basing the majority of their grade on that calculus test. And not only that, but also making them do the test publicly in front a group that is familiar with calculus. I feel that these types of experiences do not build self-confidence in the future leaders of society.

FIND YOUR SENSE OF SELF

People often ask me how I turned my life around so radically. After all, I had spent my whole life as “The Fat Kid.” I had also spent my whole life buying into several lies that were constantly being reinforced by those around me. You were meant to be fat. Your family is fat; it is your destiny. There’s nothing wrong with junk food if it makes you feel better.

So, how did I turn my life around? I believe the answer lies in the way I was thinking. I changed my thoughts, and doing so changed my life. Food wasn’t the only thing that was draining my energy and self esteem; my thoughts were. I was completely preoccupied with what others thought of me. I was in a constant state of panic, and the drug I used to calm me was food. If someone happened to look my way, I immediately assumed the worst. Did I have sweat stains? Was a flap of fat protruding from under my shirt? To me, the idea of someone just giving me a friendly glance was inconceivable. As you can probably see, I was not a positive thinker. I always assumed the worst because in my past that is typically what happened. I figured that if I expected the worst I’d never be hurt.

American writer and publisher Elbert Hubbard said, “To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.” In other words, instead of trying and risking not hitting the target, you can just never try and therefore never risk failure. That was me. I never risked reaching out to another person because I didn’t want to experience the pain that came from being rejected.

This way of thinking only furthered my isolation from others. In turn, as I felt more and more isolated, I filled the void with my oldest and best friend: junk food. As I grew more and more obese, my negative expectations eventually became a reality of my own making – a self-fulfilling prophecy. As Buddha said, “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.”

My thoughts had fueled my overeating to the point where I was out of control. I ended up eating so much that, as fat as I was and as tall as I am, I became like a car crash – people couldn’t help but look at me, whether they wanted to or not. Maybe they looked out of shock or fear, maybe out of sadness and pity – all I know is that people looked. And the more they looked the more isolated I felt. See the downward spiral here?

The way I changed was by first deciding to take control of my life and then by setting goals for myself. Things weren’t just going to magically happen. If I wanted to feel better and look better, no wizard was going to come and wave his magic wand. I had to take action. I started by redefining who I was. I decided to no longer buy into the lie that I was destined to be fat and unhealthy just because that was the way I had always been. I decided to transform my beliefs about myself.

Once I accepted that I was a lean, fit, attractive young man with a six-pack who just happened to be carrying an extra 160 pounds of fat around, my behavior changed. I no longer acted like a “fat” person. I started to seek out role models – people who looked the way I wanted to look and lived the type of life I wanted to live – and I got their advice. I spent countless months studying what made it all work for them. After all, if they could be fit and healthy, why couldn’t I? And if they can and I can, then why can’t you?

“You can immediately change – this second – if you choose to redefine yourself and realign yourself with a new identity, one that is fulfilling and exciting, the true you!”

So let me ask you a question: How do you define yourself? Are you giving away your power by allowing others to define you? Do you wear certain clothes or dress a certain way to avoid criticism? Do you hide at home, or do you hide behind unattractive clothes or even behind your fat so you don’t have to deal with other people?

You can immediately change – this second – if you choose to redefine yourself and realign yourself with a new identity, one that is fulfilling and exciting, the true you! If all you are allowing yourself to be is “the fat kid,” “the fat lady,” “the fat guy” or whatever other title you or others have bestowed upon you, then how will you ever get out? You will not escape the excess fat if that fat has become who you are. Change your identity. This will change how you live every day!

“You need to find the ‘you’ underneath those extra pounds.”

You need to find the “you” underneath those extra pounds. What are you good at? Think about the last time you felt incredible. Think about who you were with, what music was playing, whether it was during the day or night, if it was cool or warm. Close your eyes and get as associated with the memory as you can. Begin to feel the incredible feelings you felt. Was it a feeling of purpose that made you feel great? Was it a feeling of accomplishment? Was it your friend that made you feel special? The truth is that you were making yourself feel a certain way by the way you were processing the events that were happening to you.

You can make this present journey – and your life – just as exciting as that moment if you choose to give each feeling an empowering meaning. Instead of feeling tired, feel like you’re recharging. Instead of feeling deprived, feel like you’re rewarding your body for all the hard work it does for you by feeding it the best food. After you’ve defined yourself and where you want to be, you need to reaffirm the purpose of doing this. In the short term, it may be for your parents, spouse or kids, or it may be for a reunion or other special event, but ultimately you have to be doing it for yourself. You have to make this journey something that fulfills you. Otherwise you will enjoy only short-term happiness and results, and you’ll soon return to the way you were.

What gives your life purpose? Having a sense of purpose will make losing your excess fat – which is not you, but just excess baggage you carry around all day – much easier. After all, you are a success. You have chosen to take initiative and read this book. You went to the store and picked it up. If this was given to you, you are a success because others love you enough to want you to be around for them.

Sometimes we get caught up in negative emotions and forget all the blessings we’ve been given. Think about your gift. It can be working with horses, building websites, learning mechanics, painting or doing magic tricks and playing the piano like me – anything you can dream up. Identify yourself with your passions, your abilities, the way you treat others, the way you live your life. Love these things about yourself. Abandon your incessant need for the approval of others. What they think doesn’t matter. You will never be able to change from being the fat person if you believe the fat person is who you are. You must come to realize that you are a fit, healthy person with many gifts. Determine your strengths by deciding who it is you want to be. It’s time to get curious and start discovering your unique God-given gifts today!

1. “PCRM Report Card Reveals School Lunch Disparities,” Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine Online, September 2007)

SUCCESS STORY

“Throw out your excuses.”

NAME: Kristine Kopczynski

AGE: 49

HEIGHT: 5'6"

WEIGHT BEFORE: 238 lbs

WEIGHT AFTER: 128 lbs

WEIGHT LOSS: 110 lbs

IMAGINE LOSING ALMOST HALF OF YOURSELF IN LESS THAN ONE YEAR! That is exactly what Kristine Kopczynski was able to achieve with the help of Charles D’Angelo. After years of emotional eating combined with a lack of exercise, she found herself weighing 238 pounds. With this extensive weight gain came a series of health issues, namely, hypertension, anxiety, diabetes, restless leg syndrome and sleep apnea. Kristine was on expensive prescriptions for each of these conditions, including using a sleep-apnea (CPAP) machine on a nightly basis.

Tired of feeling miserable, both physically and mentally, Kristine finally decided to change because she wanted to enjoy quality time with her husband and two children. But before she went full steam ahead, Kristine needed to decide which plan was best for her. In the past she had tried Weight Watchers “at least 15 times” and was successful only twice, at least until she gained the weight back after only a few months. Consistency was not Kristine’s strong point. Luckily, this is where Charles shines.

Charles made Kristine face her weight problem out loud at their first meeting. He stressed the importance of proper diet and exercise, but he also made this way of life accessible by giving Kristine a narrow food plan. This meant she did not need to worry about choosing from too many options, which is where she had gone wrong in the past. Kristine also needed Charles’ conviction that she could succeed at this. With his motivation and encouragement along with a strict eating and exercise plan, Kristine was able to shave off her excess weight in under a year! She was also able to ditch all of her medications and the CPAP machine. As Kristine continued to make improvements, she was soon able to tackle a ton of new activities, including climbing to the top of Pikes Peak, Colorado, with her husband. Best of all, her confidence skyrocketed and she began to feel good all the time.

In order to avoid relapsing back to her old ways, Kristine relies heavily on her support system, including Charles and her family and friends. She also remembers how awful she felt when she was at her heaviest. This is enough to keep her on track on a daily basis. She continues to set goals for herself, such as celebrating one year at her goal weight.

“Charles is young and a little cocky, but he knows what he is talking about.”

If it wasn’t for Charles and his no-nonsense approach, Kristine knows she would still be struggling with her weight. She says his encouragement and attitude are what motivated her to reach her goals. According to Kristine, “Charles is young and a little cocky, but he knows what he is talking about. Throw out your excuses and surrender yourself to what he says to do.”