Chapter 15

Rewriting Your Love Story

In This Chapter

arrow Getting on the right path to finding love

arrow Becoming your own best friend

arrow Looking within yourself to discover who you are and what you want

arrow Living authentically and identifying your core traits

arrow Accepting and loving yourself

Advertisers sell products by enticing you with one of the four strongest forces on the planet: money, sex, power, or love. Interestingly, love is also the driving force behind the other three. Marketing experts know that you’re looking for the path that leads to love.

Despite advance warning signs, your yearning for the intangible desire to be loved has led you down destructive roads. The lessons you’ve learned while trusting the deceptive tactics of impersonators of love — sex, money, and the fantasy of your wedding day — have forced you to return to the question: “Where might I find real love?”

Examining where you’ve been, where you’re going, and the shape you want to be in when you get there points you in the right direction. Writing a new love story and redefining the main character shines light on the truth of where to find real love. You discover that giving yourself permission to own your power is the right lane to travel in.

If you’re ready to follow that path, continue reading.

Pinpointing Your Location

Pinpointing your location is a crucial step to moving your life in the right direction. By pinpointing your location, you can get the help you need to get back on the right path. The following analogy explains why this is important and what you need to do next.

You’re traveling to a friend’s house. You get lost. You call your friend for directions. What’s the first question your friend asks you? “Where are you?” Your inability to pinpoint your location makes it impossible for your friend to help you.

Sometimes you may feel the same way while navigating your life — like you don’t know where you are. Although it may feel that way, there are signposts that can help you determine your location:

  • Look around you. Does anything close to you look familiar? Do you see family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, or your pastor? As people are talking, do you hear any helpful clues? If you don’t see any familiar faces, who is around you? How do they act? What do they believe?
  • Determine how you got there. Retrace your steps. Something was enormously appealing to you. Your unmet need created an opening for something to seduce you. Focused on satisfying your appetite, you followed the impersonator to an unspecified location. What was appealing to you? What were you looking for?
  • Ask for help. Someone is familiar with your location. They’ve been there before. They know exactly where you are, how you feel, and what you need. Most importantly, they’re willing to help. Ask for assistance. For tips on how to go about asking, check out the sidebar “Requesting help.”

Making Friends with Yourself

How do you think you’ll feel if at the end of your life you come to the realization that you made a big mistake? That you failed to see what you were capable of achieving, miscalculated your value, or rejected your incredibly brilliant self?

Have you ever thought about the person living inside you? Have you ever asked: What’s important to me? What do I like to do? What impression would I like to leave on the world? Getting to know yourself requires the same desire and interest that you invest in getting to know someone else.

You don’t always act the way you expect that you should. There are moments when your performance isn’t up to par. You may even succumb to peer pressure or make a decision that takes you outside your belief system.

Instead of beating yourself up, gently ask yourself, “Why?” The purpose is to understand “why” you did something, which lies beneath “what” you did. This is how you get to know and make friends with yourself.

remember.eps Practice these ten principles to build and maintain a friendship with yourself:

  • Decide what you believe about yourself. Whatever you believe is true — for you. At any time you can decide to change what you believe. Deciding what you want to believe about yourself and owning that belief are paramount.
  • Speak positively about yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Because of perceived mistakes, you may mentally and verbally abuse yourself sometimes. Notice when you do, and remember to be patient, loving, and gentle with yourself. Building self-esteem is a never-ending growth process, so be good to yourself along the way.
  • Be honorable in your relationship with yourself. Have you ever been cheated on or lied to? How did it feel? You’re worthy of being treated fairly. Don’t lie to, cheat, or dishonor yourself. Put simply, do the right thing for yourself.
  • Trust yourself. Trust is earned over time. You have to prove that you can be good to yourself before you can trust yourself.
  • Be proud of who you are. Be open to making changes. You can be satisfied with yourself and still seek to improve yourself — and you should. Building self-esteem is an improvement process that requires your ongoing attention in all areas of your life: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.
  • Make choices that celebrate who you are. You’re offered choices daily. What you do and who you choose to spend time with either celebrate and uphold you in a good light or diminish you. Choose wisely.
  • Make decisions that are in alignment with what you believe. You make decisions every moment. With every decision you make, you’re creating the life you believe you are worthy of.
  • Treat yourself in a special manner. Nothing feels as good as knowing that you’re special to someone. But nothing keeps your life on track as well as knowing why you’re a special person who deserves to be treated in a special manner. Treat yourself by doing things that make you feel good about being you.
  • Check in with yourself daily. Moment by moment, situations arise that can shake you and cause you to question yourself: a bad review from your supervisor, a missed contract opportunity, or a date that goes wrong. Check in with yourself to stay abreast of what’s happening on a subconscious level.
  • Nurture your relationship. Your needs change as you grow and encounter new experiences. As you evolve, cultivate a relationship with yourself by being aware of and responding to your needs.

Assessing What You Like About Yourself

You’re multidimensional. Your personality has many characteristics that make you exclusively you. At times, the fact that your life is in movement and constantly changing makes knowing yourself and what you want complex. We encourage you to grant yourself permission to make mistakes, change your mind as often as you want, and have fun as you become an active participant in your own unveiling.

exercise.eps Complete the following statements to assess what you know and like about yourself. Revisit this list often. By doing so, you’ll observe changes in your perception of yourself and the world — great measurements of your growth.

  • I enjoy …
  • I need …
  • I cry when …
  • I’m good at …
  • I believe I am …
  • I feel safe when …
  • I’m happy when …
  • I need to develop …
  • I’m motivated by …
  • I need to know that …
  • I make people feel …
  • I’m disturbed when …
  • My purpose in life is to …
  • I like learning most about …
  • I’m most comfortable when …
  • I feel uncomfortable when …
  • When I’m alone I think most about …
  • What I like most about myself is …
  • The people whom I’m most comfortable being around are …
  • The type of people I’m most comfortable being around are …
  • The most important lessons that I’ve learned over the years are …

Setting Your Own Standards for Your Happiness

The reason that self-doubt is one of the leading battles in your life is not a mystery — and you’re not alone. Feeling insecure and uncertain is linked to many different outcomes, such as alcohol and drug abuse, bullying, depression, and missed goals. As a consequence, it’s difficult to measure with assurance the number of people who sit in this place of emotional dis-ease.

The reasons are plentiful: the emotions you absorbed in your mother’s womb, while growing in divine creation; the messages you received after you were born; the images that captivated your psyche; the continuous stream of information that screams at you telling you who you are and defining for you who you should be and what you should look like.

Setting standards of intelligence, beauty, and behaviors, scandalous societies create for their inhabitants an artificial expectancy full of hoopla and foolishness that can only serve to disgrace you.

Believing that you can find solace in one of the many subcultures — family, school, college, workplace, church, and community — you’re again faced with political warfare and unwarranted pressures to conform. Fighting for your remaining ounce of self-respect, you confront the attempts to crush your remaining dignity.

The truth is that everything you need lies within you. It’s up to you to find it.

Freedom is setting your own standards and being authentic as you live them. The following are tips to help you get started:

  • Decide what makes you happy.
  • Give yourself permission to follow your heart.
  • Release yourself from societal and cultural expectations.
  • Look within for answers.

Knowing the Difference between Being Authentic and Inappropriate

It’s important to understand that authenticity comes from a place of love. When you’re authentic, you’re being yourself — a trustworthy resource who has set good intentions for what you do and those whose lives you affect.

Inappropriate behaviors are actions that are unbecoming of you and unsuitable for a particular environment. I (coauthor S. Renee) have spoken to and coached women in prison, disgruntled employees across numerous industries, and troubled teens. I’ve noticed this common thread: As they’re nudged to awaken to the truth of who they are, they realize they’ve been acting out of pain. Their demand for attention and attempts to prove their point in self-defeating ways are due to their need to be seen, heard, and valued.

Here’s the point: You wouldn’t wear your swimsuit to the office, would you? As outlandish as that sounds, knowingly behaving in the wrong way, at the wrong time, and in the wrong place can appear that outrageous.

It’s important to know which characteristics of your personality are most appropriate at which times and places. Behaving in such a way doesn’t make you inauthentic: You’re simply being wise.

remember.eps Authenticity comes from a place of love, not pain. You need to know the difference between authenticity and acting out.

When in doubt, check in with yourself by responding to the following questions:

  • Are my perceptions of the people I work and interact with positive or negative? Your overall perception of others is a reflection of the perception you have of yourself. If you pay close attention to what irks you about others, you’ll most often see that quality in yourself. This is an easy way to see how you act out your pain.
  • Are my feelings toward the people I work and interact with positive or negative? You interact with yourself first. How you feel about yourself creates your behavior. When you have ill feelings toward others, check your met and unmet expectations of yourself. Feelings of disgust and anger return to you.
  • Are my values in alignment with the values of the culture I work and live in? If you don’t agree with the corporate culture you work in, you are likely in the wrong place.
  • Do I enjoy my work? You are on earth to do what you were born to do. Passionately making a difference in the lives of others through your work is true authenticity.
  • Do I feel I’m treated fairly? When you feel you are mistreated, do you speak up or shut down? Feeling oppressed and not standing up for yourself is self-abuse and living inauthentically. This causes you to act out when you least expect it.
  • Do I often regret what I do or say? Regret is a sign that you know that you weren’t being your authentic self.
  • Are my actions contrary to what I believe about myself? When your behaviors are contrary to what you believe, you are operating out of your pain.

Embracing Different Aspects of Your Personality

“Keep it real” became a well-known expression that communicated: Be yourself; don’t be phony. But what does that mean? Who are you — really? Are there situations in which you’re shy and others in which you’re outgoing? Are there times when you’re feeling ambitious and others when you’re feeling laid back? Do you behave the same way around family as you do around coworkers?

Each day you enter into different environments and encounter a variety of situations. Some may say your ability to turn certain aspects of your personality on and off at will is being phony. But most often, to sustain your own well-being and support others in theirs, these encounters demand diverse levels of emotional intelligence. This level of personal and professional competency exhibits your skillfulness in managing yourself and the relationships in which you participate.

tip.eps You have core traits in your personality that are expressed through your behaviors. Regardless of where you are or what you do, they’re directly linked to your values and how you decide to show up in the world. These traits are what make you exceptional and distinctive.

Embracing the different aspects of your personality requires full acceptance of who you are and how you conduct yourself in each moment. Have you ever noticed yourself questioning yourself? In most cases, the reason you question yourself is because you’re basing the success of your performance on someone else’s expectation of you.

exercise.eps To help support yourself, pick up your notebook and do this exercise to help you connect with yourself and embrace your brilliance. Make a list of your core personality traits. These are the traits that most influence your motivations, behaviors, and thought processes. Some examples include passionate, adventurous, inspiring, or even-tempered.

Here are some questions to help you process your ideas:

  • What wakes you up each morning?
  • What are your most common behaviors regardless of where you are or what you’re doing?
  • How do you process what you’re going to do in specific situations?
  • In order of priority, list the top five important things in your life that you can’t live without.
  • What makes you joyful and what makes you miserable?

Whenever you begin looking around and questioning who you need to be, become aware of your internal dialogue and ask yourself, “Who am I trying to impress, avoid, or protect?” Once you’ve identified what’s causing you to question yourself, it no longer has power over you.

Accepting Who You Are and Living in Great Anticipation of Who You Can Be

When you decide to establish a standard for yourself that includes not comparing yourself to others and receiving all of who you are without judgment, you have advanced to self-acceptance.

exercise.eps Answer the following questions to help you determine whether you fully accept yourself:

  • Do you like yourself?
  • Do you like the way you look?
  • Do you like how you handle conflict?
  • Do you accept your shortcomings?
  • Do you like the way you walk?
  • Do you like the way you talk?
  • Do you like what you do?
  • Do you like your life?
  • Do you like the shape of your body?
  • Do you like what you think about?
  • Do you like how you respond to people and situations?
  • Do you like how you express negative emotions?
  • Do you like the way you converse with others?
  • Do you like how you own your personal space?

If you answered “yes” to each question, then more than likely you have accepted yourself, and overall, you have a positive perception of who you are. If you struggled, don’t feel bad about it — continue the process until you can say, “Yes!” without hesitation to each question.

When you’re able to answer “yes” to the preceding questions, you’re able to release who you think you are and embrace the fullness of who you can be. Becoming a witness to the unfolding of your greatness helps you to understand the evolutionary journey you’re on. You now know that as much as you love who you are, there is more to be discovered.

tip.eps If you’re committed to your development and understand you have an ever-evolving personality, it’s of utmost importance that you get this: You’re constantly changing. As a part of this course in human development and maturing, how you see yourself and the world today will more than likely look different six months from now. As a consequence, accepting who you are and what you think right now is important. Of even greater importance is that you shake dogmatic views and vows to yourself because they close your mind and impede your growth.

Opening Up To New Opportunities in Life

So what does rewriting your love story mean? What are we asking you to do? Are we telling you to erase all the amazing experiences you’ve had over the years? Are we suggesting that what has occurred in your life has been a waste of time? Absolutely not!

Rewriting your love story is rewording how it’s told. We want you to rework the meaning of those awful moments when you couldn’t stand to look yourself in the mirror. We want you to revise what you thought those oops! moments meant for your future. We want you to modify how you see yourself and who you believe you’re entitled to be in the world.

Rewriting your love story means standing within yourself for yourself. Without regret, you’re authorized to give it your best shot again — and again. It means you’re open to possibility and that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, you’re enough. You have permission at all times to love, forgive, and fully embrace yourself — just as you are.

Understanding your life lessons

There were probably moments in your life from which you remember the feeling but missed the lesson. When you hold onto the feeling without learning the lesson, the feeling sticks with you, causing you to unconsciously create more situations to validate the beliefs that remain inside you.

To help my clients become more aware of the lessons they are meant to learn, I (coauthor S. Renee) give them this exercise, which is a critical step in understanding why they wrote the love story they did and what lessons they need to acknowledge to write a more accurate version.

In Chapter 4, you’re encouraged to complete an exercise where you write the significant events of your life from birth until the present. Choose pivotal moments in your life that you discovered. Draw a table like the example in Table 15-1 and use the same prompts to arrive at the lessons learned from these events.

Table 15-1 Reflecting on Lessons Learned from Life Events

Prompt

Example

Significant life event (What pivotal moment occurred?)

I was teased and bullied by my classmates while growing up.

My thoughts (What thoughts about myself did this event prompt?)

I thought I was different from everyone else, and, as a result, no one liked me.

My feelings (How did I feel about this event?)

I felt alone, scared, and helpless.

My action (What action did I take in response to the event?)

To be diplomatic versus honest. The reward was popularity. This made me feel safe.

The actual lesson (What was the lesson I was actually meant to learn?)

To learn to confidently speak up for myself without fear of being rejected.

The lesson returned (What subsequent event reflected the same life lesson that I had yet to learn?)

The lesson returned many times, but the consequence of not speaking up on my job more assertively led to my being fired unnecessarily.

Outcome (What were the results of my actions this time?)

As a result of not speaking up, I would blame others for not meeting my needs; therefore, I experienced a lot of unfulfilling relationships.

Lesson learned (What lesson have I since learned?)

I’ve learned that by speaking up for myself, I give people a choice of whether or not to acknowledge and meet my needs. If they choose not to meet my needs, it doesn’t mean they don’t like me; it simply means their attention is elsewhere and that’s okay. It doesn’t diminish who I am or the value I bring. We all have choices.

Writing yourself a love letter

Do you remember receiving your first love letter when you were growing up? It may have been brief: “Do you love me? Yes or No (circle one).” At the time, whether you liked the sender or not, it was flattering to know that someone cared about you.

exercise.eps Take the time to remind yourself that you love yourself. Write a love letter to yourself. Don’t focus on what you didn’t do. As you write, think about what it would be like to fall in love with you. Consider telling yourself the following:

  • How much you miss and want to be with you
  • What you love about you
  • Why you love you
  • What you want most to happen for you
  • What you want from you
  • Why you can’t live without you
  • Why you make you happy
  • What you want to do for you
  • How you will protect and show love for yourself
  • What you see when you look at yourself in the mirror
  • Your needs and how you will fulfill them