chapter 11
Coping With Failure
“I never share my grades, even when they are good. It’s just too personal.”—Maya, Age 13
As competition and rigor increase in schools, so does the possibility for failure. As discussed in Chapter 9, introverted children struggle with taking academic risks. This is often related to the failure that is always possible when taking risks, as well as some problems with resiliency.
In Chapter 6, resiliency was defined as the ability to recover or adjust to change. Clearly taking appropriate risks is at least partially related to the ability or willingness to recover from setbacks. When students take risks in competition, they allow for the possibility of failure. Resilient children understand that such possibility just comes with the territory. Children who may struggle with some aspect of resiliency see the risk as unnecessary and guard against it at all costs, even when that means forgoing certain goals.
I remember when my daughter was in band, she was second chair in the flute section. When I asked why she didn’t challenge for first chair, she stated that she could fail. When I pushed a little harder to know how she was defining failure, she diverted the conversation, stating instead that she really didn’t “need” to be first chair; that it was more important to her friend to remain in that position. Now, I don’t doubt that her friend’s needs factored into my daughter’s decisions. But I also know that she is not a risk taker. When presented with taking a risk and meeting her own needs, or maintaining the status quo and meeting a friend’s needs, the latter was a clear choice.
My daughter’s rationale is a typical example of how introverts weigh their options. It also points to the incessant thinking that comes with nearly every decision. Introverted children consider and ponder everything. Their minds are constantly chatting, providing rationale for everything that happens. As I’ve stated previously, sometimes this is good, allowing the introvert to delve more deeply into things as compared with the extroverted child. However, many times introverts go too far, allowing their thinking to trap them in indecision. They weigh every option ad nauseam; afraid to make any one decision for fear that it is the wrong decision. Their resiliency is challenged as they sacrifice mastery in order to prevent mistakes. It is a never-ending trap that moves the introverted child closer to inaction and the resultant failure.
In other words, it is the exact opposite of what they should do to combat their fear of failure.
Parents can help introverted children in this predicament by reinforcing both the resiliency skills previously discussed, and pointing out the connection between failure and inaction. Developing autonomy over situations, as well as having a strong support system and balancing emotional reactions are all components of resiliency that can combat any negative effects of failure, real or perceived. But resiliency alone may not be enough. Introverted children may also need to reframe their definition of failure.
In today’s world, events are often framed in rigid terms. You can be either right or wrong. Things are either good or bad. In reality, nothing is that black and white. Most of us function in a world comprised of a million shades of gray, one in which the only guaranteed road to dissatisfaction is stagnation.
Building Tolerance for Change
❖ Help your child identify his or her concerns regarding change.
❖ Teach problem-solving skills.
❖ Be a role model for flexibility.
❖ Incorporate opportunities for unplanned change into the week.
❖ Teach that “change” is normal and point out change within the environment.
Introverted children are highly resistant to change. They would rather suffer through an unpleasant situation than risk taking action and having a worse scenario. They seldom realize that the natural order of things is action. So inaction is actually the thing to be avoided. Sure, taking any action involves a measure of risk and the potential of at least perceived failure. But if we can assist our introverted children in developing a tolerance for some amount of change, as well as helping them realize that change is one of the few guarantees in this world, we go a long way to increasing their capacity to cope with perceived failure. The tips on page 121 give several suggestions for increasing your introverted child’s tolerance for change and decreasing the rigidity that typically accompanies this type of temperament.
It’s important to note that the more overwhelmed the introverted child becomes, the more rigid he or she may appear. Take time to notice the ebb and flow of your child’s moods and try to coach your child prior to the stress grabbing hold. Revisit the healthy lifestyle choices discussed in Chapter 6. Making sure that your introverted child is eating appropriately, getting plenty of rest, and taking time to renew his or her energy stores is critical in preventing many of the negative aspects of stress and poor coping skills. Once your child becomes entrenched in her rigidity, you will have a more difficult time coaxing her into some sort of action.
Recovering From Setbacks
❖ Detach from the immediate crisis
❖ Take a moment to calm yourself. Remind your child how to calm him- or herself.
❖ Debrief from the outburst once everyone is out of the crisis.
❖ Give your child space and time to decompress.
❖ Reevaluate your child’s schedule to prevent future energy overloads.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our introverted children experience failure and loss in ways that overwhelm their system. They withdraw, become belligerent and shut down. Now the focus for parents needs to be on recovery. This will be difficult much of the time, as the anger and frustration felt by the introverted child is often aimed right at the parents. Remembering to not take things personally and focusing on helping the child get back to a state of calm may take all of your strength. In fact, I am certain it will. But engaging in a battle when your introverted child is in this state is a useless endeavor that will only end in misery for everyone involved. Instead, take a step back and help your child regain control over his or her emotions. Use the Managing My Reactions tips (see page 52) from Chapter 5 to help you stay detached. Pull on the relaxation strategies found in Relaxation 101 (see page 80) outlined in Chapter 7 and help your child find his center again. When the crisis is over and your child is calm, then you can enter into a conversation about avoiding the crisis in the future. Remember that overwhelmed introverts will become even less verbal and less able to problem solve. Give them the time and space they need to decompress prior to trying to redirect their behavior. Recovering from setbacks is a vital aspect of resiliency, and one that parents can help develop in their children. The tip sheet on this page bullets the things to consider when teaching children how to bounce back from life’s misfortunes.
No chapter focused on coping with failure would be complete without mentioning gifted children, and gifted introverts in particular. Gifted children are a naturally intense group that tends to be more introverted than other groups (Sword, 2000). Given the natural hardwiring of introverts, I am not surprised that an introverted temperament is more prevalent amongst gifted children. Gifted introverts have the same need as all introverts—solitude. However, they present the more negative aspects of introversion at more intense levels. When they pull away from the hectic environment at school and disappear into a book, they often appear to have completely withdrawn from social interactions. When they become overwhelmed, they typically become explosive related to their giftedness and the inherent intensities. This explosive nature often results in misdiagnoses and mistreatment by well-meaning parents and professionals who do not understand that explosive behavior to an overwhelmed introverted gifted child is “normal.”
Helping the gifted child is similar to helping any introverted child, but at a comparably more intense level. With gifted children, it is imperative to address the concerns earlier rather than later. Help these children develop healthy lifestyle choices, balance their overscheduled lives and become very aware of their introversion. In this way, you can give the gifted introvert the ability to take control of his choices and learn to balance his introversion earlier, rather than later.
Class Notes: Maintaining a Healthy Perspective About Failure
Failure is something most educators are faced with on a daily basis as children learn and gain mastery over ever increasingly difficult skills. But dealing with the introverted student’s experience with failure may be a little trickier than you realize. Consider this common scenario: You are passing out graded papers. The extroverts are looking at their grades and sharing their opinions on them with most of their friends. Not the introverts. They are putting their paper aside after stealing a quick glance. If they have earned the grade they expected, then there is no problem. However, if the grade is lower than expected or if they have failed, then a host of emotions happen at once. First, they likely engage in a series of self-deprecating remarks. Then, they likely engage in a little fantasizing about what their parents will think or what the grade may mean for their future. Then the frustration sets in as their senses get overwhelmed by their internal emotional responses. This entire chain happens undetected by the teacher or the other students. No one realizes that the child has just run through an emotional crisis. If the introverted child has a particularly well-developed public mask, he or she is able to continue in the class and even the rest of the day without anyone seeing the turmoil brewing just under the surface. If the mask is not yet well-developed, then the student may ask to see the nurse because of a headache, or go to the bathroom to cry—anywhere but in a public venue.
The teacher may never know what the student was feeling about the failure he or she just experienced. In fact, the teacher may think the student doesn’t care about the grade or that the child has amazing resiliency skills and is very well-adjusted. It isn’t until the child has a huge behavioral explosion outside of class or at home that anyone knows there was a problem.
So what can you do to help the child process the grade without becoming overwhelmed by perceived failure? First, start the year by valuing both mastery and process, as I’ve stated elsewhere. Teach your students that learning only happens through risk and failure. Once you’ve established a balanced approach to teaching, focus on knowing your students. Go back to Part I and make sure you know which of your students are introverts. When they receive a grade that is low, give them time to process it. Approach them if you want them to retake a test or discuss the grade. Don’t wait for them to speak with you. If you have concerns about their behavior, make certain to connect with their parents. Work as partners to help the introverted child learn that failure is a natural part of learning. Guiding your student to a less rigid view of success and failure is the best way to ensure that all learners, especially introverted learners, maintain a healthy perspective when it comes to grades and performance.
PRESSURE TO PERFORM Q&A
Children are under a lot of pressure to perform in today’s schools. Expectations around state and national testing, competition in sports and academics, as well as pressure to “make the grade” can hinder our children’s achievement, especially that of our introverted children. The questions below have come from parents and teachers when discussing their feelings about statewide testing throughout the U.S., and the pressures they see in their children.
My son is having major problems on math tests. He knows the material at home but cannot translate that into test taking. He also has issues focusing in math class. But he insists that math is his favorite subject. What are some ways we can help him with his school performance?
My guess is that math is his favorite subject, regardless in his performance in this area. It is important to remember that performance in a subject doesn’t correlate to enjoyment. There are plenty of things I enjoy but do not excel at. All of that said, there are things you can do to help him with his performance on math tests. First, make sure he has had ample time to prepare for the tests. Spread the studying out over several days. Second, change the focus from performance to process. In other words, focus on how he is learning the material, not his accuracy levels. There is a possibility that he is “choking” on tests related to performance pressure. Finally, watch out for overstudying. Yes, that’s right, you can be too prepared for a test. As I’ve previously discussed, introverts engage in high levels of self-talk, often narrating their day and, more importantly, their feelings about the day. When a student is experiencing difficulties in performance in a specific area, the chatter may be undermining confidence by restating past failures in an endless loop. Take some time to help your child learn to discern his mental chatter and change any negation to positive, empowering talk. Use some of the strategies discussed in the chatter to help your child script more positive mental discourse. It will take practice, but it will help.
Are there programs in place to help these types of kids? What steps can parents take to get their introverted kids help if they are struggling?
Schools have gotten much better at addressing academic difficulties with children. The recent Response to Intervention (RtI) movement has provided a framework to address academic remediation in the general education setting. This framework for interventions is designed to be available to any child at any time during his or her academic career. With introverts, however, the apparent academic difficulties may be rooted in something other than an actual deficit in skill mastery. It could be rooted in the very nature of introversion. If the child is struggling with oral presentations or fast-paced quizzes, the introversion may be hindering her ability to demonstrate mastery. In these cases it is important to understand the root cause of the difficulty before developing an action plan. Once the cause has been determined, the parent and school can partner to develop a solution. The tip sheet 20 on page 127 highlights some considerations for the team as a plan is developed.
How can I help my school officials to understand what introversion really is?
As I have stated in previous Q&As, most teacher preparation programs do not teach educators about the impact of temperament on learning. Your child’s teacher may not understand that the difficulties the child is having is related to introversion or that there are no real difficulties at all—just a difference in learning style. It is important for parents, as the primary advocate for your child, to work with the school regarding your child. Set up a meeting with the teacher early in the year and provide him or her with information about your child’s unique learning and temperament styles. Then, as things surface throughout the year, work in partnership with the school to ensure that your child is getting an appropriate education. Finally, remember that while the educators are experts in teaching, you are the expert on your child. Working collaboratively with the school enables all parties to form an alliance to help the child.
Developing a Plan
❖ Establish mutual goals for meetings and the plan.
❖ Discuss strengths of the child before looking at the concerns.
❖ Problem solve those areas of difficulty the child is experiencing.
❖ Decide on measureable goals to focus on.
❖ Keep it simple.
❖ Revisit the plan often to monitor progress.
❖ Rework the plan as needed.
My daughter seems to get caught in a loop of negative thinking. Is there something I can do to help her change this kind of thinking?
Ah yes, the loop of doom. I know it well. Most introverts get stuck in this loop from time to time, hyperfocusing on past failures and other forms of negation. Helping your daughter change her thinking starts with helping her be aware of her thought patterns to begin with. Use the worksheets and tips throughout this chapter to help her identify the types of negation she engages in, replacing her thoughts with more positive messages. Also, help her establish time in her day when she can turn off her thoughts all together. Meditation, sports, and even types of creative endeavors can help her with this. Learning to control the never-ending thinking inherent in introversion is vital to her developing a more balanced temperament.
I think some of my students have been misidentified as disabled in some way when maybe it is more a matter of temperament. Is it possible for that to happen?
Yes, students can get mislabeled when the real issue involves temperament. Many times Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) labels are given to both extroverted and introverted children related to apparent hyperactivity in the former group, and assumed inattention in the later group. Likewise, diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), sensory integration disorder, and anxiety disorders can often be mislabeling of introversion. I believe this happens because many of these diagnoses are rule-out diagnoses with large behavioral components. These behaviors can mimic one another, causing some difficulties with doing a differential diagnosis. It is important that any labels, educational or medical, be given by qualified personnel who are well-trained in multiple areas and making difficult differential diagnoses. In the school setting, where labels are placed based on students’ behaviors consistent with various diagnoses and needs, it is especially important that school psychologists and other personnel are careful not to mislabel, and therefore mistreat, students.
Although it is not uncommon to mislabel students who are introverted as something more significant, it is also possible to be both introverted and anxious or introverted and a student with ASD. Temperament alone does not preclude these possibilities. The key is making sure to keep the whole child in mind when assigning the labels or recommending certain diagnoses.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ Developing good coping skills to deal with failure involves developing strong resiliency skills.
❖ Introverts often battle with failure related to:
○ the internal “thinking” trap,
○ struggling between the needs of others and their own needs, and
○ the struggle between their public and private personas.
❖ Change is the natural order of things.
❖ Introverts struggle with change and may need help to develop a tolerance for change.
❖ Introverts can become explosive when faced with failure.
❖ Gifted introverts have similar needs and difficulties to other introverts, but react in ways that are even more intense.
Supplemental Pages
❖ Tip Sheet 18: Building Tolerance for Change—page 121
❖ Tip Sheet 19: Recovering From Setbacks—page 122
❖ Tip Sheet 20: Developing a Plan—page 127