chapter 13
Surviving the Social Scene
“I know what I have to do to fit in. It’s hard, but being considered an outcast is even harder.”—Pedro, Age 12
Social development can be hard for most children as the push and pull between needs and expectations gets increasingly harder to navigate. This is particularly true with introverts who are often misperceived by the dominant, extroverted culture.
Western society has given the message that you must be socially aggressive in order to be heard. And those who are heard get further than those who are not. Little influence is given to those who are more reserved or quiet, despite their accomplishments. Furthermore, people are often praised for their ability to gain large numbers of friends and participate in highly social venues, while those who are more socially withdrawn are given labels suggesting that they are somehow “less” for being so. Despite recent acknowledgement of the power of introversion through books like Quiet by Susan Cain and similar publications, if you Google “introvert,” then you will still get a disproportionally high amount of entries that define it in negative terms.
So how are introverts perceived by their extroverted counterparts, and what is the impact on social development? Most people see introverted children as shy, withdrawn, or aloof. They are characterized as being too self-absorbed, loners, or with other derogatory terms. These characterizations leave introverted children feeling like they are damaged somehow. They begin to believe that unless they can overcome their hesitancy to develop an outgoing personality, then they will forever be doomed to being slightly less than their more social peers.
Obviously, this is the extreme version of what many introverts feel. But it is something we need to consider as we assist our introverted children in becoming adults.
Introverted children actually have a lot to offer friendships. Deeply interested in the world and in learning, introverts have the potential to develop relationships at a much deeper level as compared to their extroverted counterparts. Furthermore, many introverted adults are neither shy nor aloof. I am a great example of this. As I mentioned in the beginning of the book, I am very comfortable presenting to hundreds of people. But keep me in such a large crowd for too long, and my energy becomes dangerously depleted. I am deeply passionate about my interests, often working longer than many of my extroverted friends. I am able to connect and maintain several friendships and have little difficulty articulating my needs and wants. Granted, these are skills I have spent a lifetime learning, but it is all proof that the early misperceptions of my introversion did not have to result in a permanent problem.
So how is the gulf between what introverts are perceived to be and what they can become bridged? I think it starts with helping our introverted children see the strengths in their introversion, not just the negative messages they may receive on a daily basis. This can happen by working with them to focus on the strengths of their temperament. Go back to Chapter 3 and rework through the worksheet The Positive Aspects of My Introversion (see p. 36). Help your child make a list of these positive statements that she can regularly refer to in order to remind herself of her strengths.
Renewing Throughout the Day
❖ Take a mental vacation.
❖ Take a short walk.
❖ Close your eyes and clear your thoughts.
❖ Laugh.
❖ Change up your routine.
❖ Go to a store and discover something new.
❖ Take a drive.
❖ Reconnect with a friend.
In addition to focusing on strengths, it is important that your introverted children understand the possible downside of their introversion. Remind them of the reality of their energy levels and how they need to renew. Help refine the healthy habits they have previously established in order to maintain their healthy habits. And help them recognize the aspects of their day that can function as energy zappers.
Knowing what types of things drain your introverted children is the first step in developing a plan to combat the fatigue. The tips offered on this page give several examples of ways to quickly renew when the introvert’s energy is on the decline.
Becoming comfortable with introversion isn’t always enough. Sometimes the best gift we can give our introverts is to develop social competencies that enable them to function more as an extrovert when required. I remember working with a family on this issue. Their son enjoyed participating in drama. Although he had no difficulties during the actual production, acting his part in front of an audience with ease, he struggled with rehearsals. The hours and the constant social interactions left him drained to the point of frustration, often resulting in outbursts at home. Through our work, we discovered that he never felt “heard” during rehearsals. He would give suggestions once or twice, but usually gave up when he felt like he couldn’t get a word in over the loud utterances of his very extroverted coactor. His parents and I worked on helping him advocate for himself and articulate his needs. We started with speaking only to one or two people, working up to being able to make suggestions in front of a large group. The tips above highlight some ways to help your introverted child learn to self-advocate when needed.
Speaking Out and Getting Your Needs Met
❖ Start with respect.
❖ State your position clearly.
❖ Manage your emotions.
❖ Offer solutions, not just problems.
❖ Listen to others without interrupting.
❖ Don’t argue.
❖ Be flexible.
We also worked on ways to renew his energy during rehearsals. Between the two things, the young man learned how to make the most of his experiences in drama, without some of the more negative issues.
Some of the social skills necessary to survive in our culture include the ability to be heard within the crowd, the ability to be seen within the crowd, the art of conversation, and the ability to collaborate within a group. These skills, while difficult for the introvert to initially learn, can make a large positive impact in the introvert’s ability to function in our Western culture. Furthermore, learning these skills while also learning to regulate one’s energy will enable the introvert to meet his or her goals within our current society.
Figure 7 builds on the social competency skills listed in Chapter 10, including both the obstacles many introverts face when acquiring these skills and a few tricks for overcoming them. Use it as a place to start with your introverted child, focusing on the easiest to acquire skills first.
Figure 7. Social competency skills revisited.
| Skill | Potential Obstacles | Solutions |
| Conversation Skills | Initiating conversations | Practice with friends |
| Relaxation | Difficult when overwhelmed | Practice the skill when not stressed |
| Flexibility | Introverts crave routine and structure in order to feel safe | Incorporate spontaneity into the daily routine; teach problem-solving skills |
| Inner Stillness | Introverts constantly think through their day | Include periods of stillness or meditation into the daily routine |
| Humor | Introverts can be very serious | Seek out opportunities to laugh |
Acquiring a collection of extroverted social skills does not mean there is something wrong with being an introvert, far from it. It simply means that in order to enhance the strengths of introversion, certain social competencies are required. And these include many of the skills innately possessed by extroverted children.
As introverts begin to become more social, there may be a tendency to overdo it, losing themselves and their introverted voice in the noisy world of extroverts. It is important to emphasize balance during this time. Too many social outings, too much time spent in noisy settings with many people, and too much emphasis on external socializing will exhaust the introvert. And as I’ve stated multiple times, energy drains almost always guarantee behavioral challenges down the road as the introvert rebels against the drain, becoming belligerent and frustrated. Be mindful of your introverted children. Pay attention to their moods as they begin to experiment socially. Help them renew when they forget to take time for themselves.
No conversation about social interactions and introverted children would be complete without addressing the issue of friendships. Many parents spend a lot of time worried about peer interactions. “Do my children have enough friends? Are they skilled socially for the world at large?” These and other questions flood my inbox with amazing regularity. In my opinion, the question is never “Does my child have enough friends?”, but rather “Are my child’s friends close friends? Is my child enhanced by the relationship in some way?”
We have all had the experience of a friendship that was a drain on our lives, not enhancing it in some way. This can happen with children too. Extroverts seldom stress over these interactions, moving carefree from relationship to relationship with ease. Introverts, however, may struggle with friendships. As stated earlier, introverted children develop deep connections built on intimacy. They are interested in the inner workings of others. Because of this, they only form a few friendships at a time. And if those friendships fade, which typically happens throughout childhood, introverted children may struggle with their emotional reaction to the loss.
It’s important for parents to encourage introverts to make friendships, understanding that one or two are plenty. It is also important that parents help their introverted children understand that relationships may come and go throughout a lifetime. This is normal and not something to be taken too much to heart. Knowing the introvert, he or she will engage in a mental analysis with each and every encounter, especially if they fade away unexpectedly.
Parents can play a pivotal role in helping their introverts learn to quell that inner dialogue and balance the emotional reaction. Focusing on seeing life as something that is constantly changing is one way to help introverted children understand the transient nature of childhood friendships. Introverts, as I’ve mentioned before, don’t like change much, but learning that life is ever-changing can help prepare them for the changes that happen in social domains throughout childhood.
Overall, introverted children have great things to offer socially. Like most things, they approach friendships from a different point of view than many of their extroverted counterparts. And although learning a few critical social skills will enhance their social experiences, their innate ability to form deep connections is something that is to be developed and celebrated.
Class Notes: Nurturing Self-Esteem for Educators
Most educators are keenly aware of the impact of esteem and motivation on learning. And teachers are always looking for ways to nurture and enhance these attributes within the classroom setting. This can be particularly important with several subsets of students, including introverted learners.
As I’ve discussed in Section III, some classroom environments work against the abilities of the introvert, challenging the development of their self-esteem and overall resiliency. But there are things educators can do right now to improve the outcomes for these students and nurture the development of healthy self-esteem and self-efficacy.
It begins with understanding the various temperaments in the classroom and the impact of this on overall performance, something I have already discussed at length. Once there is a good foundation of understanding, educators can focus on building connections with students. This is particularly helpful with introverted students who require deeper levels of connection in order to feel safe. Remembering to use performance-based praise, given both individually and in a larger group format is another way in which educators can build a classroom that nurtures the self-esteem of students. It’s important that this praise be given more frequently than corrections, and that it is specific for the child. Praise for the sake of praise has been repeatedly found to be ineffective in motivating or nurturing children. So link the praise to performance and/or behavior. For introverted learners, be sure to deliver that praise individually, not just in groups where the attention may negate the positive impact of the words.
Classroom discipline and structure is another important area of consideration when teaching introverted students. As stated previously, introverts thrive on structure, awareness of expectations, and routines. That said, they will cower when the learning environment is negative. They do not respond well to loud or intense voices, nor do they respond to public correction. All of this feels like humiliation to the introverted learner, something she has little tolerance for. Instead, save corrections for private moments with children. Monitor your own emotional status to ensure that you are not inadvertently making the classroom overly harsh or intense. Maintain a calm environment as much as possible.
Finally, look at your mix of students. Do you have some who dominate conversations or engage in relational aggression? Do other students shy away and withdraw in your class? These could be indicators that the room is not as nurturing as you may intend. Use these types of behavioral clues as indicators of the need for balance and seek ways to more strongly meet the needs of your whole class. Doing so will make your classroom a nurturing place for all learners. Refer to the tips on page 149 for ways to keep your classroom a nurturing environment conducive to learning for all students.
SOCIAL DYNAMICS Q&A
One of the areas parents regularly express concerns about is related to social development. Does my child have enough friends? Will she be able to function out in the world?—these are questions that seem to be at the forefront of most parents’ thoughts.
I collected several of these questions from workshops and my online focus groups and condensed them into the five questions listed below. I hope they provide additional insight into specific ways we can nurture and support our introverted children’s social development.
It seems like my daughter never has friends. Is this true of most introverts?
Parents often worry about the number of friends their children have, and how often they are interacting with their friends. It is a natural area of concern. That said, it is important to recognize that many introverted children need “alone time” more than they need interaction time with friends. After being around large groups of people for 6 or 7 hours every day in school, they may need time to renew in solitude. Don’t mistake this withdrawal for not having friends. More often than not, introverted children have a few close friends that they can rely on. Introverts are all about building close relationships, so the friendships they forge are usually very deep. But, after a busy day, or a difficult week, your introverted children may decide to spend a few days in solitude. This is nothing to be alarmed about.
The Nurturing Classroom
❖ Build a safe environment that encourages academic risk-taking.
❖ Know the temperaments of your students.
❖ Build connections with students.
❖ Focus on process first, mastery second.
❖ Be consistent with expectations and behavior management.
❖ Give performance-based feedback frequently.
❖ Deal with bullying and aggression quickly.
Ask your child to tell you about his or her friends. Listen for mentions of names as your child recounts his or her day. Odds are good that your child has at least one close friend.
How can introverts and extroverts get on the “same page” with their interactions?
Introverts and extroverts sometimes struggle as they try to interact, misunderstanding each other’s intentions. Finding common ground can be difficult. But the truth is, both offer something the other needs. Introverts offer their extroverted peers a chance to develop a deep relationship, as well as an example of how to slow down and contemplate life more. Extroverts offer introverts opportunities for action. Never comfortable with stagnation, extroverts teach introverts to think less, get out of their heads, and enjoy life.
In order for introverts and extroverts to reap the benefits of a relationship with one another, it is important that both temperaments understand each other, including how they can be misperceived. In doing this, they can develop awareness of each others’ needs and forge mutually beneficial friendships. As parents, you are in a great position to teach both introverts and extroverts about each other and monitor the early stages of their relationships, guiding them to a deeper understanding about each other.
How can I help others understand that my introverted child isn’t “just shy,” he actually “sees” the world differently?
Similar to previously asked questions about talking with teachers about introversion, this question really speaks to the need to help others in understanding the ins and outs of temperament. The figures and lists presented in Part I can assist parents in pinpointing the nuances of introversion and provide the information needed when explaining the characteristics of introversion to others. Reminding family members and others that shyness is a behavior that can be shaped, while introversion relates to the brain’s hardwiring, is a great way of explaining the basis of temperament.
You’ve mentioned “extroverted” skills that really help introverted children. Can you tell me a little more about these skills and how to help my child?
Everyone, most especially introverts, need social competency skills—the ability to feel comfortable within social settings and converse with many different types of people. Extroverts can do this naturally, feeding off of the collective energy of a group. Introverts, however, find such social venues exhausting in the best of scenarios, often struggling to initiate casual conversations within a group or initiating any conversation at all.
Parents can help their introverted children by teaching them how to get their needs met and interact in a group at a young age. Encourage them to order their own meal at a restaurant, for example. Or help them to tolerate group activities by providing opportunities to gather with friends for a game night or craft.
It is important that parents take care not to overstimulate or overstress their introverted children by trying to build these skills too quickly. Most introverted children will struggle with both initiating conversations and participating in groups. Teach your children how to monitor their energy levels to prevent burn-out, and speak openly about the strengths and downsides of introversion. All of this will help you raise well-balanced children, capable of functioning in a milieu of social situations.
As an educator, I see my introverted students struggling on the playground. What can I do to help them with their social competencies?
As with all areas of education, I think balance is the key when dealing with introverted children. It is important that introverts be given opportunities for renewal at school, while also developing their social skills. Rather than allow them to withdraw completely from social dynamics, provide some respite from the playground, like being able to go to the library or a classroom, but encourage them to bring a friend or two. In this way, the introverts can develop social competencies while also getting the break they need. Taking the time to seek creative solutions to some of the problems facing our introverted children allows educators to find the win-win solution that benefits all of the introverted student’s needs.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ Introverts have the capacity to develop strong social skills.
❖ Introverts focus on deep connections with a few, rather than many, friendships.
❖ Oftentimes, introverts are misunderstood by the dominant culture, typically seen as shy, aloof, or socially inept.
❖ Learning a few survival social skills can help introverts overcome the misperceptions. These skills include learning how to stand out in a crowd, the art of conversations, and working collaboratively.
❖ Introverts become drained from too much social contact. It’s important for them to learn which types of things present the largest pull to their energy levels.
❖ Parents can play a pivotal role in helping introverted children balance their needs related to their introversion and their need to connect socially.
Supplemental Pages
❖ Tip Sheet 21: Renewing Throughout the Day—page 143
❖ Tip Sheet 22: Speaking Out and Getting Your Needs Met—page 144
❖ Figure 7: Social Competency Skills Revisited—page 145
❖ Tip Sheet 23: The Nurturing Classroom—page 149