Inborn temperament is inborn. When he behaves true to his personality, he’s not being “bad”—he’s just being himself. That doesn’t mean his behavior can’t be modified, channeled, or even changed—just that it’s not anyone’s fault.“My daughter wants to dress herself, without my help—but she gets so frustrated that she ends up having a meltdown instead.”
Life for toddlers is a series of challenges—most of which they’re eager to take on, but some of which they’re just not completely able to handle, as hard as they try. Among the most challenging of those challenges: self-dressing. With chubby little fingers, fine motor skills that still need fine-tuning, and a shaky sense of balance, getting those clothes on solo is an uphill battle for a 1-year-old. In fact, most tots can’t master self-dressing until closer to their third birthday.
The result in the meantime: frustration, and lots of it. It isn’t possible to protect your toddler from all of life’s frustrations—and it’s not a good idea, either, since a certain amount of frustration motivates little ones to achieve and develop. But it is possible to set your toddler up for dressing success while limiting her frustration, with these steps:
Make it easy. When you’re buying clothes or making selections from her closet, look for easy-to-pull-on pants, shorts, and skirts with elastic waistbands, roomy-necked pullovers and sweatshirts, easy-on jumpers and dresses that won’t get stuck halfway down (or up), and clothing without zippers, buttons, buckles, and snaps.
Emphasize teamwork. She needs the practice and the self-satisfaction that comes with doing it herself... while you need to get her dressed and out the door, pronto. Instead of taking over the job entirely, let her know that getting dressed is a team effort: “Let’s get you dressed together!”
Let her finish what you start. If getting the clothes into position is too tricky for her (she always gets both legs into the same pants leg, for instance, or puts her dresses on backward), set her up then let her finish. Get the sweatshirt over her head and let her pull it down. Get the pants halfway up and let her pull them the rest of the way. This can be particularly satisfying for her if you pretend that you need her help (“I can’t get these pants up. Can you do it for me?”).
Blame the clothes, not her. When she runs into a dressing snafu, criticize the clothes instead of her efforts: “This sweater is being so silly today. Let’s see if we can get this silly sweater on you together.”
“It was hard enough having a ‘challenging’ baby—I’m sure he holds the world’s record for colic and crying. But now that he’s a toddler, he’s not just challenging, he’s impossible.”
Sometimes, it’s not easy to tell a normally challenging toddler from an especially challenging one. After all, many parents of toddlers would describe their tantrum-throwing, negative, rebellious, change-resistant offspring as “challenging” at times. But some toddlers take their behavior beyond what’s normally challenging. They’re even more prone to tantrums and to more negative, more rebellious, more ritualistic behavior. Often, these extra-challenging toddlers were, like yours, challenging babies who cried and fussed a lot more than other babies did (though far from every colicky baby ends up a challenging toddler). Many were tough to handle as infants, and they’re even tougher to handle as toddlers.
Knowing you’re not alone—that some 25 percent of parents of toddlers are in the same rocky boat—may not help a whole lot, but commiserating with these parents, swapping stories, and exchanging tips may. (Look for parents who can relate on the message boards at WhatToExpect.com.) Learning what makes your child so challenging and what you can do about it is also helpful. The box starting on the next page describes different types of challenging temperaments, as well as some techniques for coping with them.
Even more helpful will be a little perspective. Keeping these points in mind will help you deal with—and look past—the challenging behavior:
Inborn temperament is inborn. When he behaves true to his personality, he’s not being “bad”—he’s just being himself. That doesn’t mean his behavior can’t be modified, channeled, or even changed—just that it’s not anyone’s fault.
Personality extremes can pay off (eventually). The very qualities in a toddler that drive his parents to distraction at age 2 (perfectionism that just won’t quit, for instance) may make them exceptionally proud of him at 22. Extremely challenging children, with the right support and encouragement, often end up becoming extremely motivated, hardworking, successful adults.
The right nurture can enhance nature. Accepting and appreciating a child for who he is, instead of trying to change him into someone you’d like him to be, can help shape a potential liability into an asset. It will also help boost his self-esteem (it feels good to know you’re loved just the way you are)—and make home life happier for everyone.
It may be just a phase. Sometimes challenging behavior is less a matter of temperament than development—which means your toddler may grow out of it completely. Other times, it’s a combination of temperament and development—which means that your little one may become gradually less challenging in the years to come (you may still glimpse the behaviors, but less often and in a less intense form). Remind yourself that this, too, may pass—or at least become a lot easier to deal with.
Living with a Challenging Temperament
Life with even the easiest toddler presents some daily challenges, but life with a challenging toddler presents a (sometimes) seemingly endless series of them. The stress of coping with a child who won’t sit still, who loses it completely when faced with the tiniest of changes, who’s hypersensitive to sound or touch, or who can’t be quiet, ever, can be daunting and draining for parents. Struggling to find ways to help their toddlers and themselves, even with the best of intentions, it’s hard not to feel frustrated, at least once in a while.
Determining which children are unusually challenging and which are age-appropriately challenging is probably subjective. Behavior that may seem typical and manageable to some parents may seem unusually challenging to others (especially if they’ve parented an easier child in the past). Sometimes, the challenging behavior is due to an inborn temperament—which means parents are in it, to some extent, for the long haul. Other times, it’s just due to development—some children become temporarily challenging as they pass through transitional stages of childhood, or as a result of illness or stress. Either way, there are steps you can take to help you meet the challenges of your challenging toddler.
Whether your challenging toddler fits neatly into one of the following categories or exhibits behaviors from two or more, these tips can help:
The super-high-activity toddler. These children make the average active toddler seem to be operating in slow motion. They won’t sit still, resolutely resist confinement (in a car seat, a high chair, even a crib), and tend to behave “wildly” and to lose control easily.
Best techniques for managing:
Allow plenty of opportunity for outdoor play and for burning off energy, but insist on and enforce specific limits for safety’s sake and for your own sanity (no jumping on beds, climbing on sofas, running down a busy street, and so on).
Try to stop high-energy behavior from escalating into out-of-control behavior. If your toddler seems to be working up to a feverish frenzy, take him or her aside and quietly explain: “You’re getting too wild. If you don’t calm down, you will have to get off the slid).” If the frenzy continues to build, follow through with your warning and insist on a “cool-down” period, trying one or more of the techniques for handling very active children on page 77. Or, substitute an acceptable excess-energy outlet for the unacceptable one (see page 80).
Respect your child’s inability to sit still, and try to avoid situations that require church-mouse decorum.
Ask the doctor about the latest research linking overactivity in children to diet, food additives (especially artificial colors), and sugar excesses. Try keeping a food diary to see if you can find a link between diet and behavior in your toddler: Did switching to naturally colored popsicles or weaning from neon-colored cereal to oat circles seem to slow your tot down? Did those three post-Halloween days of wanton candy-gobbling turn your active toddler into a wild child? Adjust accordingly.
The distractible toddler. Toddlers typically have fleetingly short attention spans, but the distractible toddler seems to have none at all—flitting from activity to activity, distracted by a different pursuit before engaging in the first. The distractible toddler seems unable to listen or pay attention to parents or caregivers—especially when he or she isn’t that interested in what’s being said or done.
Since most toddlers are pretty distractible, the highly distractible toddler may not need much in the way of special attention at this age. You may, however, be able to gradually extend your child’s ability.
Best techniques for managing:
Avoid forcing your distractible toddler to stay focused longer than he or she is able to (story time may be over in a flash, and that’s okay).
Engage your toddler in fun activities you can do together, like finger painting or play clay. It’s easier to stay focused when you have focused company.
Keep the house quiet and calm to help your child be able to pay attention longer. Minimizing clutter may also help your toddler concentrate, since fewer distractions from other toys may help him or her focus on one at a time.
Eliminate or limit TV watching, which can make all kids more distractible. Don’t use the TV as background noise.
Make eye contact when you speak to your toddler to help him or her shut out the distractions long enough to listen. Say, “Please come here and sit down with me. I want to talk to you.” Then, with your toddler next to you or on your lap, assume a face-to-face position, and say “Look at me and listen to what I’m going to say.” Or, get down on your toddler’s level to make that attention connection.
The slow-to-adapt (or slow-to-warm-up) toddler. Even more than the typical toddler, this child craves routine, ritual, and the status quo, plays favorites with clothes, foods, and toys, and finds everyday transitions and even minor change seriously unsettling and disturbing. When faced with new people, places, situations, food, or clothes, this child withdraws, cries, becomes clingy, and if pushed, may have a tantrum. He or she can also be stubborn and persistent, prone to prolonged tantrums, and whine incessantly. Once adjusted to a change, however, these children tend to cling to the new situation fiercely (there’s a meltdown when it’s time to go to day care, then another one when it’s time to leave day care).
Best techniques for managing:
Try not to spring surprises. When it’s possible, prepare your toddler for transitions by giving some notice: “After lunch, we’re going to Angie’s house to play.” Then, when it’s close to the time you’ll be leaving the playdate: “You can throw the ball one more time and then we’ll go home.” Give your tentative tot plenty of time to acclimate to a new situation or an unavoidable change of plans—and while you’re waiting for acceptance, be as supportive, patient, and understanding as possible. If your toddler is extra clingy in new situations, gently encourage him or her to loosen up that grip on your neck or leg, but don’t push it.
Use a timer to give your slow-to-adapt child a chance to adjust to a change (“When the buzzer rings, it’s time to take a bath”).
Try to stick with old favorites when you can (visit the familiar playground instead of the new one across town, dish out the same cereal instead of a brand-new one).
Ease a transition by choosing the most opportune moment to make it (wait until your toddler has tired of playing with the shape sorter before moving on to dinner, for instance).
Instead of buying all new colors and styles of clothing when your little one moves up to the next size, select those that are as similar to the old familiars as possible. Let your toddler wear the same outfit over and over if that brings comfort—even if it means buying a duplicate (one to wash, one to wear).
Serve up the same foods every day, if that seems to provide your toddler with much-needed security.
Offer new options—a bite of the stew you’re having for dinner alongside that must-have macaroni, or a different sweater to wear over the same old shirt—but don’t push a change agenda.
Avoid major changes that can wait. Thinking about replacing the family room sofa, the kitchen tile, the bathroom carpet? If you can, consider waiting until your toddler grows more open to change. If you can’t, try not to bring on more than one change at a time.
When changes must be made—say, that beloved pair of sneakers must be replaced by a new pair in a different style—try to give your slow-to-adjust toddler time to adapt. Talk about the new sneakers for a few days before shopping for them. Allow some time for getting to know the sneakers (looking at them, handling them, carrying them around), instead of insisting they be put on fresh out of the box.
The high-volume toddler. This child is always heard. When a high-volume child is happy, miserable, angry, frustrated, or tired, everybody knows it.
Best techniques for managing:
Teach your child to have a relatively quiet “indoor” voice and a less restrained “outdoor” voice. Challenge him or her to whisper games.
Provide your toddler with plenty of opportunities for exercising his or her vocal cords in a socially acceptable way—singing along with music, making animal noises, reciting nursery rhymes.
If your toddler can’t seem to modulate volume at all, try some soundproofing strategies at home.
The unscheduled toddler. As infants, these children never settled into a regular feeding or sleeping routine. It was always anybody’s guess when they would wake up, go to sleep, nap, or be hungry, cranky, or cheerful. When they become toddlers, the guessing game continues. These children, not surprisingly, often have trouble settling into schedules, such as bedtimes.
Best techniques for managing:
Don’t count on getting the unscheduled child into a completely predictable schedule. Keep routines where you can, especially if schedules are important to you, but bend them as necessary. For instance, if your toddler isn’t hungry at dinnertime, invite him or her to join you for a snack, but don’t force the issue of a main meal. Offer the meal later, when your toddler is finally hungry. If your toddler won’t nap at the same time each day, don’t push him or her to sleep at prescribed hours (but do make sure he or she is getting the right amount of sleep overall). Instead of insisting on a bath each evening right after dinner, keep the timing fluid—one day the bath is before bed, the next day it’s right after playground time, another day the bath comes after breakfast.
At night, maintain a bedtime routine, but when you tuck your child in, don’t insist on sleep—just tell your toddler he or she needs to lie quietly. Provide a few books, toys, or a playlist of lullabies to enjoy until the sandman makes his irregular appearance.
The low-sensory-threshold, highly sensitive child. The socks are bunched up, the sweater itches, the collar is too tight, the coat is too warm, the clock ticks too loudly, the lamp is too bright, the dog is too smelly, the applesauce is too “bumpy,” the broccoli is too bitter, the ice cream is too soft. While most toddlers are finicky about some things, low-sensory-threshold children (and children with sensory processing disorder or sensory integration dysfunction; see page 478) are finicky about almost everything. These children may be supersensitive to light, sound, color, texture, temperature, pain, taste, and/or smell. They’re disquieted by things that other people may not even notice.
Best handling techniques:
Understand, accept, and validate. To your toddler, the bunched-up socks truly are uncomfortable, the sweater really is itchy, the broccoli is intensely bitter. Acknowledge this in what you say to your child: “I know you don’t like it when the street noises are so loud” or “I know that garbage smells really bad to you.”
Acknowledge this high sensitivity in what you do, too. Buy stretch socks that fit well but not too tightly and that have no bulky seams at the toe; choose soft cotton clothes that are less likely to itch and wash them several times before the first wearing to soften them up even more; avoid clothes that have scratchy inner seams, rough linings, and high or binding necklines, and remove all labels that might rub against your toddler’s supersensitive skin. If tying and retying shoelaces to get them “just right” takes too long in the morning, opt for Velcro closings on the next pair.
Be respectful of your child’s tender taste buds: Don’t push the broccoli, serve smooth applesauce instead of chunky.
If your child always complains when it’s time to put on outerwear, try to utilize layers that are less confining and coats that are easier to move in. If certain colors make your toddler see red, avoid those colors when shopping for clothes or when decorating.
If smells are a problem for your toddler, opt for unscented products (from shampoo to bathroom tissue to laundry detergent), and skip your perfume or aftershave.
Try, if possible, to adjust the levels of light and sound in your home to your sensitive toddler’s comfort. For example, substitute a digital clock for one that ticks, put a dimmer on the living room lamp, keep the volume low on the TV, and consider using soundproofing techniques, wherever practical.
The serious toddler. As infants, these children didn’t smile as much. As toddlers, they may whine and complain more than others, and they may seem much more serious, sometimes to the point of glum.
Best techniques for managing:
Deal with other temperament issues your toddler may have at the same time (such as poor adaptability), which may be contributing to the apparent unhappiness.
Smile a lot, inject humor into everyday situations, use laughter to lighten up (but never laugh at your toddler’s seriousness). Maybe you can rub the edges off your child’s negative moods.
Try to determine if there are any extra stresses in your toddler’s life that may be upsetting him or her (including stress you’re experiencing, since little ones can be very quick to pick up a parent’s mood). Do what you can to reduce or eliminate these stresses.
Check with the doctor if your toddler seems very sad. While a “serious” nature can be due to temperament, being extremely unhappy isn’t normal—especially if a once happy child has turned consistently unhappy. Though it’s uncommon, clinical depression can occur in toddlers, too. Besides being chronically sad, a depressed toddler may be withdrawn, irritable, lethargic, and show little interest in activities. If you think your little one might be depressed, getting the right diagnosis is essential, so ask for an evaluation by a qualified mental-health-care provider who specializes in the treatment of young children. Age-appropriate therapy can make an enormous difference.
No matter the temperament of your challenging toddler, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Though your challenging toddler may well turn into a challenging preschooler and a challenging teenager (though aren’t all teens challenging?), you’ll probably be facing the worst of it in these next couple of years. Modify what you can, lovingly accept what you can’t, and most of all, hang in there. You’ll probably be able to ease up on these management strategies as your child matures.
Look up the word “tantrum” in the dictionary and you’ll see it defined simply as “a fit of bad temper.” But to parents standing by as their cheerful toddler, one moment all sweetness and smiles, suddenly transforms into a writhing, flailing mound of unrestrained rage, tantrums defy such simple definitions. Just what turns little cherubs into mini-monsters?
Normal toddler behavior, that’s what. Tantrums are a fact of toddler life, a behavior that’s virtually universal among members of the sandbox set—beginning for some tots as early as the end of the first year, peaking for most sometime in the second year, and continuing in many children beyond age 4. Toddlers aren’t “bad” when they’re having tantrums—they’re just acting their age.
There are a number of reasons why tantrums are developmentally appropriate for toddlers and are a normal part of growing up:
The need to release frustration. It isn’t easy being a toddler. A little one’s attempts to achieve (and achieve independently) are always being blocked, either by the adults around them or by their own limitations. Being unable to finesse a puzzle piece, button a shirt, ride an older sibling’s bike, say what they mean—that’s frustrating stuff.
The need to communicate. Most toddlers don’t yet have the language skills to do this effectively. For them, a tantrum speaks louder than words.
The need to assert themselves and establish their autonomy. “I am my own person, on my own two feet. I am important. What I want matters. I am toddler, hear me roar!”
Lack of control over their lives. With adults always telling them what to do and what not to do, a tantrum is often the only way toddlers can say “Enough! This is my life—I’m the boss of me!”
Lack of control over their emotions. Toddlers are inexperienced at checking their emotions. When emotions get out of control, so do toddlers.
Hunger, exhaustion, overstimulation, boredom.
Too many choices, too few limits—or vice versa.
Though just about every toddler has a tantrum now and then, some children are especially tantrum prone. About 14 percent of 1-year-olds and 20 percent of 2- and 3-year-olds have what are considered “frequent” tantrums (that is, two or more a day). These children are also more likely than other children to continue having tantrums well into the preschool and early school years.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to prevent all tantrums (if you’ve got a toddler, you’ve got tantrums). But it is possible to head off some tantrums before they come to a head. Start your prevention program by keeping track of your toddler’s tantrums for a week or two, noting when they occur (time of day, before or after naps or meals, following a particular event) and why, if the cause is apparent (hunger, fatigue, restrictions, frustration). After a time, you’ll be able to uncover your toddler’s most common tantrum triggers. Then set out to modify or eliminate them, using the following principles:
Keep a regular schedule. For most toddlers, regular meals, regular naps, and regular bedtime routines will reduce the risk of tantrums. For those irregular tots who seem to be stressed by schedules, however, watching the clock less may help more.
Don’t let your toddler get overtired. Toddlers who don’t get the naps they need or enough hours of sleep at night are much more disposed to meltdowns.
Don’t let your toddler run on empty. Offer nutritious snacks as needed to head off hunger-fueled outbursts.
Say “no” only when you have to. A parent’s negativity is often the trigger for a child’s tantrums. Reduce your need to say “no,” by childproofing your home and setting clear and consistent limits.
When possible, say “yes.” Are you on “no” autopilot? Sometimes, saying “yes”—or offering an acceptable alternative (“You can’t have ice cream, but you can have some yogurt”)—can spare you both a tantrum. Don’t change a “no” into a “yes” once a tantrum’s begun, though, or you’ll be reinforcing the wrong message: You can get anything you want if you just scream long and loud enough.
Don’t overcontrol (or undercontrol). Heavy-handed parenting (controlling everything a child eats, wears, does) can lead to rebellion. On the other hand, too many choices, too much freedom, too few limits, or limits that aren’t consistently enforced can also step up tantrums. Try to strike a happy medium.
Provide choice. Having opportunities to make some decisions (“Do you want me to read this book or that one?” “Do you want to wear your jeans or your overalls?”) helps a child feel more in control—and that can reduce the need to rise up angry. But avoid offering open-ended choices (“Which shirt do you want to wear?”) because your toddler is sure to either pick an entirely inappropriate one (a tank top in January) or to be overwhelmed by the options. Also remember to make it clear when there is no choice (being buckled up, holding hands on busy streets).
Fight frustration. Listen to your toddler and try your best to understand those attempts at communication. Step in when one of life’s little challenges is turning into a major frustration for your toddler—but instead of taking over completely, help only as much as is needed (turning the triangle ever-so-slightly so your toddler can fit it into the shape sorter). Keep your expectations and standards age-appropriately realistic—not so high that your toddler is frustrated in an effort to achieve what he or she can’t.
Teach the fine art of venting. Before that little pot of simmering emotion boils over, encourage your tot to let off steam in other ways. Provide words to express and work out frustration and anger (“I see that puzzle is making you angry—silly puzzle! Let’s try again later”). Show how to vent those mad feelings in more acceptable ways: punching a pillow, jumping up and down, hammering on a workbench, pounding on play clay.
Keep your toddler from going over the edge. When you see your child tottering on the brink of frustration, exhaustion, overstimulation, boredom, or anything else that might fuel a fit, divert attention toward something calming, soothing, or particularly interesting: a hug on your lap, a special song, a special place in the house, a special toy, a special book, a special activity.
Notice and note good behavior, and even behavior that’s neutral. Your toddler’s been out for an hour of errands without a tantrum? Let him or her know you appreciate the cooperation.
Try to be a model of calm. It’s hard not to lose it when your toddler’s throwing a tantrum—especially in public. But being the calm center in your toddler’s storm can help the storm pass faster and less intensely.
There is no miracle elixir you can give your toddler (or take yourself), no patented parenting technique that magically makes tantrums disappear. Like most of the more trying behaviors of childhood, tantrums pass when they’re outgrown, and usually not before.
But while it isn’t possible to eliminate tantrums altogether, it is often possible to moderate or minimize them. The following suggestions for handling tantrums are just that—suggestions. You’re likely to find that some will work better than others, and some won’t work at all. Once you’ve discovered which ones are most effective, pull them out whenever your toddler begins to unravel.
Do stay calm. Nothing fuels a toddler’s fire like a fired-up parent—seeing you lose your cool will only make it harder for your child to regain his or hers. A parental fit can also terrify a toddler. Already off-balance and out of control, a mid-tantrum toddler needs your calming influence and the reassurance of your unconditional love. And though the even-tempered approach may not be immediately rewarding and certainly won’t be easy to pull off (the temptation to toss your own tantrum in the face of your toddler’s will always be there), you may eventually see your efforts mirrored in your child’s increasing self-control. If, during a particularly bad tantrum or on a particularly bad day, you find yourself unable to maintain your composure when the screaming starts, don’t feel guilty—like all parents, you’re only human. Take a quick time-out yourself (with your toddler safely in view) and find ways to cool down (see box, above).
Do speak softly. Trying to scream over all that screaming will only up the screaming ante for your toddler, as he or she vies for center stage (and an award for Loudest Vocals). A quiet, gentle tone of voice, on the other hand, says you’re in control, which should help your toddler regain composure... eventually.
Do protect your toddler (and others). The toddler who does a lot of kicking and thrashing during a tantrum could get hurt (on a sharp corner, a hard floor, or an overturned chair), hurt someone else (a younger sibling or a playmate nearby), or do damage to property (by throwing a dish, kicking a door, tearing a book, pulling down a display in the supermarket). So move the child who is physically out of control to a setting that’s safer for everyone and everything. If you’re at home, the middle of your bed is a good location. If you’re out, try moving back to the car or the stroller (and belt your toddler in), step outside of the store, or bench your toddler at the playground. If that’s not possible, you may simply have to hold your toddler snugly to prevent injury to self, to others, or to property.
Do try holding your toddler. Being held tightly during a tantrum helps some toddlers “keep it together” when they’re falling apart, and can also help dissolve anger (in both the toddler and the parent), with the hold often turning into a hug as control and composure are regained. Other toddlers, however, will only flail more furiously when an adult tries to restrain them during a tantrum. If your child resists being held, don’t force it.
Do express empathy. When your toddler is carrying on about something he or she can’t have, say “I know it’s hard when you don’t get what you want.”
Do try distraction. Many young toddlers can be cajoled out of a tantrum—some easily, some not so easily. Others only get angrier if an adult tries to divert them. If yours is receptive to distraction (and it always works best before a tantrum has picked up serious steam), get out a favorite book or a toy your tot hasn’t seen in a long time. Suggest a fun activity. Turn on a favorite song and start dancing or singing. If your toddler doesn’t seem offended by your responding to an oh-so-serious tantrum with humor, you might want to try a little silliness (stand on your head, put your shoes on your hands, make funny faces). Or, perform a song and dance (with original lyrics) based on the situation (“Twinkle, twinkle little Zoe, this for sure you know-y know-y. You can’t play with playground rocks, if you do not wear your socks”). It’s clear that comedy just steps up the drama with your toddler? Skip it.
Do ignore the tantrum. Often the best course of action is no action at all—a toddler who is ignored during a tantrum may get it out of his or her system faster. With your toddler safe and in sight, continue to go about your business. Make it clear you’re not paying attention to the tantrum (you can sing to yourself, hum loudly—but keep moving, since you’ll be a less easy target for your tot’s thrashing if you’re not a sitting duck). When you begin to systematically ignore your child’s tantrums, they may intensify for a while. Eventually, however, as your toddler discovers that it’s just not worth getting all worked up when there’s no audience, tantrums will likely become less frequent.
Don’t use the no-attention approach, however, on a child who’s particularly sensitive, is going through a difficult time, is under some special stress, or seems to get very upset by being ignored (or if it bothers you too much).
If you can’t ignore the tantrum because you’re in the middle of a store or somewhere else in public, see the box on page 240.
Don’t have a tantrum of your own. Your toddler needs you in complete control.
Don’t punish. A tantrum is beyond your little one’s control—and isn’t his or her fault—so there’s no point in punishment, during or after. Physical punishment—hitting, slapping, shaking, or otherwise hurting a child—is never a good idea, but it’s an especially bad way to deal with a tantrum. It’s just too easy for a parent to lose control when faced with an out-of-control child, and when force is involved, even unintended, consequences could be dangerous.
Don’t try to reason or argue with your toddler during a tantrum. Out-of-control toddlers are simply beyond reason. Logic (“You don’t need that doll—you have one just like it at home”) is lost on them. Save the rational explanations for more rational moments.
Don’t stress. If you’re unable to stop a tantrum in its tracks, don’t worry—it probably just needs to run its course. When your toddler has released the pent-up tensions, the tantrum will taper off and end.
Don’t rehash. Once a tantrum’s over, let it be over. Offer a hug so your toddler knows your love’s as strong as ever, then divert him or her into a fun activity.
When the tantrum’s over, let it go. If your child manages to end a tantrum quickly, offer praise: “You did a good job of calming down.” But don’t rehash the episode or lecture your child about it, or insist on an apology or admission of guilt. And don’t administer punishment of any kind (such as taking away a toy or canceling a trip to the park). Your toddler’s been through enough, and besides, he or she didn’t do anything wrong—just something that was developmentally appropriate. If it was hunger, fatigue, or frustration that triggered the tantrum, deal with the cause (with a snack, a nap, or help). If a request from you sparked the tantrum (you asked your child to put away the blocks), you might suggest that the two of you take care of the task together (and try to have fun with it). If it was your refusal to cave to a demand that sparked the fire, don’t give in now that the flames have died down. You don’t want to give your toddler the impression that tantrums work.
Move swiftly to a diverting and enjoyable activity—preferably, one that won’t be frustrating (you don’t want to risk another tantrum). Find something to reinforce in your toddler’s behavior as soon as you can—that fledgling ego is likely to have been shaken by the recent power struggle and needs your vote of support. Many toddlers appreciate being held after a tantrum, as reassurance of their parents’ continuing—and unconditional—love.
Keep in mind that there are tantrums... and then there are tantrums. If your child’s temper tantrums occur very frequently (two or more times a day), seem to be accompanied by feelings of intense anger, sadness, helplessness, aggressive or violent behavior, or other behavior problems (sleep disorders, food refusal, extreme difficulty with separation), or if you are having trouble handling the outbursts (especially if you are responding in a way that’s physically or emotionally violent), talk to the doctor. You may need some extra support, reassurance, and advice yourself (which pediatricians are used to offering to beleaguered parents).