YOUR BABY—the one who went willingly into the stroller and car seat, who cooed and squealed (but never tried to run away) during diaper changes, who hung on your every word with rapt attention, who was putty in your hands and perfectly content in your arms—is gone. In your baby’s place: A toddler—one who won’t take “no” for an answer (but is happy to dole it out), struggles against strollers, car seats, diaper changes, or anything else that confines or controls, has an uncanny ability to find trouble, uses hands more often than words, and only wants to be held when you’re busy. There’s no doubt about it: Your toddler is an adorable little bundle of contradictions. Human Velcro, superhuman escape artist. Creature of comforting habits, habitual resister of house rules. Bear-hugger, hair tugger. Fearless, fearful. A master of mixed feelings, predictable only in being impossible to predict. Sometimes maddening, always maddeningly cute. Yet, the more things change, the more toddlers yearn for them to stay the same. Which is why, along with the fierce independence you’re glimpsing in your tot, you’ll also likely see a fair amount of clinging—a sign that he or she is still pretty ambivalent about giving up those baby days (and those cuddles on your lap) completely.
“Our toddler touches everything—in the house and out. Half the things he touches aren’t even safe to touch. How do we get him to stop?”
He’s part explorer, part scientist—and all toddler. Like a pint-size Columbus or Newton, your tot views the world around him both as his oyster and his laboratory. Everything is his for the touching, and the pulling, and the grabbing, and the mouthing—not to mention the occasional dissecting. And even as it drives you crazy, all that manipulation is how your toddler learns about his environment-one sticky fistful at a time.
Your toddler has probably heard the phrase “Don’t touch” as much as any other-and he may even know what it means. But is he remotely capable of following those directions and holding those little hands back in the face of temptation? Not until the second half of the second year at the earliest. That’s because it takes impulse control, something he’ll need to learn over many months.
Toddlers touch, and touch indiscriminately. Dirty? Doesn’t matter. Alive? Whatever. Breakable? That’s a bonus. But while a toddler’s gotta do what a toddler’s gotta do (touch), a parent’s gotta do what a parent’s gotta do (keep him from touching things he shouldn’t). Here’s how:
Do damage control. To protect your home from your toddler (and vice versa), make sure everything within his curious reach is safe to touch. Childproof thoroughly (see page 405) and stash breakables.
When you can, stay one step ahead of your toddler’s explorations. He loves to upturn the milk cup, or toss it over the side of the table to test that theory of gravity again? Hand it to him for sips, then take it back in between. When you’re shopping, keep your little guy buckled in and keep his hands busy—if he has a box of cereal to hold on to, he may be distracted from trying to pull the display down. Or keep him occupied as your helper—have him point to the crackers you eat at home, choose between two apples and then plop the winner in a bag, and drop a loaf of bread into the cart. And always keep an eye on those hands—that way, even if you can’t stop him from picking daisies when you’re at the park, you may be able to stop him from eating them.
Set limits on what’s off-limits. It’s not like you can stash the TV, or the stove, or the glass bowl on a friend’s table. That’s why it’s important to start teaching your toddler that certain things around the house (and elsewhere) are simply off-limits. It will take lots and lots of repeating that “Don’t touch” refrain, and lots and lots of immediate redirection, before the lesson—and the impulse control—will sink in. When you do catch the most fleeting glimpses of impulse control (he reaches for the glass bowl but backs off when you warn “Don’t touch!”), be quick to reinforce it: “Good job!”
Let him reach out and touch some things. Make an effort to provide more touchable moments for your toddler. When he reaches for something he’s not allowed to touch, supply a substitute. When he goes for the freshly folded stack of laundry on the bed, move it out of reach, but give him a couple of towels or T-shirts to drape around himself, drag behind him—or even try to fold. When he wants to program the DVR or make calls from your cell phone, offer up a toy that has buttons to push or let him play with a remote that has no batteries or an out-of-service cell that can’t dial out (to India).
Supervise touching. He’s eager to squeeze the toothpaste tube? Teach him how to squeeze it neatly and in pea-size amounts, then appoint him the official (supervised) toothpaste-squeezer for the family. He’s keen on using your keyboard? Sit him on your lap in front of the computer (with your work safely saved) and let him tap away—or let him get his hands on some toddler-friendly software (see page 278). He’s excited to push the elevator button? Pick him up and let him push away (just make sure he pushes the right button... and only one button—especially if you’re sharing the elevator with others). He wants to pat the doggy in the park? With the owner’s approval, put your hand over his and show him how to pet the dog nicely and safely. Is he fascinated by falling liquids? Give him a chance to experiment in the tub or the sink with cups of water.
Don’t get touchy yourself. Of course you’ll need to stop unsafe touching. But try not to make a big deal of it while you do. Instead, say “Don’t touch,” then quickly redirect your toddler. Major reactions—negative or positive—usually prompt encores in a toddler (which means he may reach for your cell phone just for attention next time).
“Our daughter’s discovered how to open the refrigerator—and now she does it about 300 times a day.”
It’s an open-and-shut case: Your toddler opens it, you shut it. It may be the refrigerator, a kitchen cabinet, the the garbage can—anything that has a door or a lid low enough for a toddler to reach. And it’s loads of fun—for your toddler, at least. Especially when it’s repeated, again and again.
Let your tot open and close to her heart’s content (she’ll move on to an equally annoying activity soon enough)—that is, if what’s behind the door or lid is safe. When it isn’t, or if she could accidentally get locked behind the door, stop her open-sesame antics by installing a childproof lock or latch. No doubt she’ll find it frustrating when the fridge door suddenly won’t budge (or she can’t dip into the 12-pack of toilet paper you stashed in the bathroom vanity), so be ready to give her another opening—like a special cabinet that’s just for her, filled with plastic containers, wooden spoons, nesting metal measuring cups, and other safe treasures. Of course, if it’s food or a drink she’s looking for, offer a snack.
“My daughter goes around the house emptying everything he sees. But I can’t get her to put anything back.”
Toddlers get much more satisfaction from taking things out of where they belong than they do from putting things back in their place.
It’s a developmental joke, and it’s on you... and your floors: The ability to empty comes months before the ability to put things back. It may be something of a laughing matter, and it’s definitely incredibly cute sometimes—except when you can’t find the book you’re looking for, or the package of socks you just bought, or when your living room floor is littered with groceries, or your little one gets the “empties” around something nasty and potentially unsafe, like the trash. But believe it or not, it’s hard developmental work he’s up to. Your toddler is busy practicing fine motor skills (developing his hand dexterity) and flexing his cognitive muscles (testing out cause and effect). To help direct her practice so it doesn’t demolish your home:
Stock up on safety measures. Do a safety check and recheck around the house, and install child-resistant locks and latches as needed to make sure your toddler can’t empty—or get into at all—anything that might harm her and/or be harmed by her (cleaning fluids, dish detergents, toxic substances, knives, matches, scissors, glass, china, and other breakables and chokeables). See page 405 for tips on childproofing your home.
Be open to emptying. Remember, your mess is her fine motor skill practice. So stay open for emptying business. Provide boxes filled with fabric scraps (no ribbons or strings, though); baskets for toys; low shelves for board books; a safe cabinet filled with plastic containers, nesting measuring cups, and spoons. At bath time and in the sandbox, bring out the plastic cups, bottles, and pails for a little emptying fun.
Put in some put-in practice. Refilling a basket with toys is a lot tougher—and a lot less satisfying—than emptying it. But turn it into a game, and your toddler may sing a different tune (and while you’re at it, come up with a “fillup” or “cleanup” song to entice fill-up follow-through). Keep in mind that even if your toddler does succeed at filling a container, the uncontrollable impulse will be to empty it again... promptly. That’s okay—remember, she needs the practice. Tired of playing the pick-up part of the empty-out game? Just stash the box out of your toddler’s reach for a while and quickly redirect activity to avoid a fuss.
Keep in mind, too, that while most toddlers aren’t big fans of putting away what they’ve emptied out, some quite enjoy putting away things mommy and daddy need—in random, hard-to-find places (like burying your wallet in the deepest recesses of the closet, your keys under a pile of shoes).
“Our toddler loves dropping things—from her crib, her stroller, the supermarket cart. And she seems to get even more of a kick from watching us pick them up.”
Who knew gravity could be so entertaining? What started out as fine—motor practice for your little one is now part science experiment, part sideshow (with you as the sidekick). Her catch and release program is fascinating, engaging stuff for her—and almost as fun as watching you stoop over to retrieve and return what she’s dropped. And if what’s dropped splatters or breaks on impact... well, that’s just gravity gravy.
Clearly, dropping is tops for your toddler—whether she’s rapid-firing stuffed animals over the side of her crib or lobbing a toy from her stroller. Maybe it was cute the first hundred times she did it, maybe it’s still occasionally adorable (what about your toddler isn’t?). And at this age, it’s always developmentally appropriate. Still, a dropping habit can wear on your nerves, not to mention your back and knees. And often, it can be more than a little inconvenient or messy. To help her drop her habit (eventually):
Let her drop in the bucket. A block or a little beanbag into a container, a ball down a slide—there are plenty of dropping games your toddler can play that are amusing for her, but not crazymaking for you. Play them often until she moves on to other activities.
Drop the reaction. Whether it’s a giggle or a grumble, any rise at all from you will encourage the fall of more objects. Remember, it’s not a party without you (and your reaction).
When you’ve had it, drop it. Not in the mood to pick up? Or she’s chosen a particularly inopportune time and place to drop (you’re at the park and she keeps dropping her toy into puddles)? Just say “No more dropping.” Take the object she’s been dropping away from her, and quickly distract her with another activity. If you’re at home, place her on the floor—dropping objects from the floor isn’t nearly as satisfying as dropping them from high places.
She’s flinging food from her high chair? Dropping something otherwise messy? If warnings aren’t cutting it, that’s a wrap.
Don’t drop your guard. Those in the dropping habit shouldn’t be trusted with anything breakable. So if you haven’t already, do a sweep for objects that might break if they’re dropped (china, glass, small electronic gadgets), and do some stashing before she can send them crashing. Be especially vigilant when breakables can’t be kept out of her reach (when you’re visiting a baby-free friend’s house, a store, a museum).
Play pick-up. Picking up will never be as much fun as dropping (except, of course, when she’s picking up something you don’t want her to touch... like an interesting trash specimen on the sidewalk). But make pick-up a game, and you’ll make it less of a drag: “Let’s see how fast we can pick up the toys!” Or set pick-up to a song.
“Lately, every time we turn our backs, our toddler sets about destroying something. He tears up magazines, scribbles on the walls, pulls the books off the shelves. Our house is starting to look like a disaster area.”
You probably expected a little mess—and even occasional property damage—from your toddler, but maybe you weren’t prepared for a second-year demolition derby. Yet, what seems like destructive behavior—believe it or not—can sometimes be pretty constructive. Those seek-and-destroy missions aren’t motivated by malice, they’re fueled by curiosity, a drive to discover, a compulsion to create—and it’s all part of his job description, which can be summed up as: Learn as much as you can about the world, as quickly as you can. When he tears up a magazine, he’s determining that paper crinkles and tears. When he upends a basket of blocks, he sees that they spill out, make a crashing sound, and scatter. When he tosses the sofa cushions on the floor, he finds that they can be used as a trampoline—or a climbing structure. And there’s much about the world he can only learn the hard way. For instance, with his limited comprehension about cause and effect and natural consequences, he doesn’t anticipate that if he hurls a toy across the room, it might break, and that if it breaks, he can’t play with it anymore.
That said, taking on the world doesn’t mean you have to let him take down your home in the process. In fact, one of the most important lessons he can learn—and must learn—is that destroying things isn’t okay. Don’t scold or punish, especially if he broke something accidentally, but let him know that you’d like him to try to be more careful next time, and why (“Coffee cups can break when you drop them” or “When you throw the remote control, it doesn’t work anymore”). Have your toddler help repair the damage when possible (wipe up spills, tape a page back into a torn book, scrub crayon marks off the wall).
If he destroyed due to frustration (“I can’t stack these blocks, so I’m just going to toss them onto the glass table... oops”), give him constructive suggestions for dealing with it (“If you pile the blocks this way, they don’t fall over”). If it was just the junior scientist at work again, provide plenty of opportunities for safe and acceptable experimentation and manipulation (toys to put together and take apart, for example).
“My son has a habit of throwing everything he picks up. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt somebody or break something.”
The first time you saw your tot hurl a toy across the room you may have daydreamed about him pitching a nohitter. But chances are those visions have now been replaced by nightmarish premonitions of lamps shattering and playmates’ eyes being blackened. So, do you coach him, or do you bench him? A little bit of both, actually. Banning throwing will only make it more enticing (plus, it’s not fair—or smart—to keep him from doing what’s developmentally appropriate). So will your throwing a fit (or stifling a giggle) when he throws. Instead, groom him for the big leagues without tossing safety and good sense out the (hopefully unbroken) window. Here’s how:
Play ball. Given plenty of opportunities to throw or roll a ball in safe and supervised surroundings, a toddler’s itch to pitch may well be satisfied—at least somewhat. Catching will still be beyond his developmental reach, since his eye-hand coordination is pretty primitive (see Milestone box, page 78, for information on when that’ll likely develop). But he’ll probably get a kick out of retrieving a ball that’s been tossed or rolled to him.
Vary the ball. A wide range of balls are suitable for toddlers, including beach balls, tennis balls, and small, medium, and large rubber balls. Avoid hard balls, balls small enough for your toddler to put in his mouth, and balls made of spongy material that he could take a bite out of. You can also throw a beanbag or a ringtoss set into the mix.
Cry foul if it isn’t a ball. Make it clear that some things are meant to be thrown (balls, beanbags, and so on) and others are not (toys, blocks, books, cups): “This is a ball—a ball is for throwing.” “This is a book. We don’t throw a book—a book is for reading.” Also set appropriate limits on where he throws (outside, or only in the playroom).
One strike and he’s out. The moment you see your toddler fling (or get ready to fling) an object that’s off-limits for throwing, take it away from him. Explain in simple terms the potential consequences of random throwing (“If you throw a block, it can hit someone and give them a boo-boo,” or “If you throw the truck, it might break”). Quickly supply your littlest leaguer with a more appropriate object to toss; if that doesn’t satisfy, try to distract him with an entirely different activity.
“Our toddler bangs on everything in sight—the coffee table, the front door, the TV. It’s so loud, and I’m scared she’ll break something.”
Have a mini-metalhead—who’s giving you a maxi headache? Your petite percussionist is just making music the only way she knows how, and with the only instruments she has access to (unless you count the vocal cords she uses for shrieking). Banging the day away, she’s experimenting with sounds and rhythm (“When I bang on a pot, it’s kinda tinny—when I bang on the crib, it’s more of a thud. And listen to the spoon on the cabinet... genius!”), cause and effect (“I bang on the coffee table, the magazines go flying. I bang on the high chair, the peas and carrots start dancing... and look, there goes the yogurt!”), and audience reaction (“You should have seen the look on Mom’s face when I started banging in the restaurant—priceless!”). All completely normal and age-appropriate.
Still, how much jamming can you and your home handle? And what about banging that can hurt more than your head (say, that glass bowl)? Here’s how to let your diminutive drummer rock on within reason:
Pull the plug on dangerous drumming. Banging on the TV, a dinner plate, or a window can lead to damage, injury, or both. Promptly end it (or, better, stop it before it starts). Stop the music, too, if banging threatens to upset a cup of hot coffee or if it’s being performed with a sharp implement. “No banging on the table” is a good place to begin, but remember: (A) your toddler is listening to her banging, not to you, (B) she has poor impulse control, and (C) your actions always speak louder than your words when you have a toddler, and that’s especially true when your toddler’s banging more loudly than you can speak. Which means it’s time to end a dangerous jam session and distract your drummer with another activity.
Whatever you do, don’t try to shout over the banging—that’ll only make her pump up the volume. When do you use your words, keep them matter-of-fact, soft, firm. Who knows? She might even stop for a minute to hear what you’re saying (though don’t count on it). Keep in mind, too, that toddlers rarely take “don’t” for an answer—especially the first few dozen times. So get ready to repeat your message—and your redirection—many times to come, and for best results, without losing your cool.
Redirect the banging. Instead of banning all banging (what are the chances, anyway?) give her a chance to bang on safe surfaces. Offer her the time-less—and priceless—toddler drum set: a pot and a wooden spoon. Or a toddler workbench, with toy hammer. Or even a real toy drum. Provide other instruments that might not be music to your ears, but at least won’t make them bleed—like a tiny tambourine.
Let the beat go on. Just about all toddlers love listening to music almost as much as they love making music. They relish rhythm, too. So go ahead—dance, clap to music, play foot stomping games. Make your own family garage band.
Private performances only. Of course, your toddler enjoys an audience—preferably a large one. But it’s important to set some guidelines when it comes to public performances. When it’s not appropriate for your toddler to bring down the house (in restaurants, even fast-food ones; movie theaters; church; museums), bring down the curtain on banging... ASAP. Even better, divert her before the drumming starts, with a game of peek-a-boo (use a menu or napkin), a quiet song, a picture book, or a pad and crayons you’ve had the foresight to bring along.
Hold the applause—and the boos. When your toddler overdoes the banging at home, but there’s no harm done that a Motrin can’t fix, the less attention you pay as she plays the better. Any reaction—positive or negative—reinforces most toddler behaviors.
“We’ve got constant headaches from the screeching and screaming our son does around our house.”
Unfortunately, 1-year-olds don’t come equipped with automatic volume controls—or, for that matter, with self-control over their volume. Your toddler has suddenly discovered his capacity for creating and broadcasting sound, and he’s gleefully taking advantage of it—with ear-shattering results. Like a recording engineer with a sound control panel at his fingertips, he experiments with levels of pitch and volume. And while everyone around him is developing a headache, he’s having a blast. Literally.
You could invest in earplugs while you wait for this annoying habit to run its natural course—like many toddler habits, it eventually will. Or, with the help of the following tips, you can make an effort to bring the screeching, if not to a screeching halt, at least to a decibel range that’s easier on the ears.
Turn down your own volume. Keeping the general noise level in the house low (no blaring background television, loud music, or shouting matches between parents) will help—at least in the long run—to encourage your tot to turn down his volume. Shouting at him to stop shouting, on the other hand, will rev up the competition and inspire him to greater volume (“Listen, Mom... I can scream louder than you can!”). You’ll also validate his screaming (“If Mommy and Daddy scream, screaming must be okay!”). Instead, model the voice modulation you’d like to hear him use.
Switch stations. When the screeching starts, turn on some lively music and encourage your toddler to sing instead. If you’re outside the house, try engaging him in a sing-along of favorite songs or a recitation of nursery rhymes. Even if he doesn’t join in, he may stop screaming, if only so that he can hear you sing. Or suggest other interesting ways your child can use his voice—mooing like a cow, meowing like a cat, barking like a dog, vrooming like a car. Making sounds with musical instruments, though not voice box generated, may also satisfy your toddler’s need for noise.
Speak softly. When the screeching starts, get down to your tot’s level, look him straight in the eye, and whisper to him. Seeing your lips move but not being able to hear what you’re saying may make him curious enough to stop screaming and start listening. The operative word here being “may”—he might, instead, get a kick out of drowning out your whispers. Play it by ear.
Help him find his little voice. Small children have a hard time lowering their voices to a whisper (funny... they have an easy enough time pumping the volume up). Still, they can enjoy trying. When your toddler’s vocals shoot up the decibel charts, challenge him to a “whisper” match: Whisper a word to him, then have him whisper it back. Though his will sound more like loud stage whispers for at least the next couple of years, playing the whisper game shows your toddler that there’s fun not just in raising his voice but in lowering it, too.
Limit his big voice. By the time your toddler is in the second half of the second year, he will have an easier time accepting limits, including those put on screeching. At this point, he’ll be able to understand (if not always put into practice) the concept of an “inside voice” and an “outside voice”—and you’ll be able to enforce when and where his “big” voice can be used (“You can scream in your room, but not in the rest of the house,” or “You can screech at the playground, but not in the store”). Setting shrieking limits works better than an across-the-board ban (you know how fond toddlers are of forbidden fruit).
“Yesterday I was mortified when my daughter swung at another child in her playgroup. She didn’t hurt him, but she really could have.”
When you’re a year old, hitting says it all—or at least, it says a lot of the things that you can’t yet say any other way. Like “Move it, buddy—you’re in my way!” Or “Hand over the toy, Mister!” Or simply, “I’m so frustrated right now, I’ve gotta slug someone!” At this age, hitting (and other kinds of aggressive behavior, such as biting or shoving) can’t be considered malicious or callous. Toddlers (especially young ones) aren’t capable of hurting on purpose—primarily because they haven’t quite figured out that other people have feelings.
Keeping Your Baby Safe from Your Toddler
Keeping a newborn safe is never easy—especially the first time around, when even holding that tiny, seemingly fragile bundle seems risky (remember how you always used two hands—just in case?). This time, you’re an old pro with the safety basics (even the car seat you never thought you’d master), but there’s a whole new level of baby protection you’ll have to add: protecting your baby from your toddler. Handling with care—or using a gentle touch—isn’t something that toddlers are known for. Toddler hands and arms aren’t big enough or coordinated enough to support a newborn’s heavy head and underdeveloped neck muscles. Their attention spans are fleeting, their minds prone to wandering—which means the tot who pleaded to hold his or her new sibling one moment may become bored or distracted seconds later, unceremoniously dumping the infant on the edge of the sofa to make a beeline for a pile of blocks. Then there’s a toddler’s natural over-exuberance, which can turn a loving hug into a too-rough squeeze, a playful game of peek-a-boo into something dangerous. And there’s potential, too, for aggression (whether it’s on purpose or accidentally-on-purpose)—biting, hitting, pinching, and otherwise expressing understandably mixed feelings in unacceptable ways (trying to push the baby off daddy’s lap or slugging a colicky infant to quiet him or her down).
How do you nurture the big sib in your toddler while keeping your infant safe?
Supervise, supervise, supervise. Stay close by whenever your toddler is within reach of his or her baby sibling—just in case hands start grabbing or fists start flying. And, of course, never leave your toddler alone with your baby, not even for a moment.
Pass the baby. While your impulse may be to keep your toddler away from your baby for safety’s sake, preventing those sibling interactions can leave your toddler feeling left out, setting the stage for resentment—and aggression. Instead, let the bonding begin. If your toddler is interested, let him or her have plenty of closely supervised cuddles. Sit your toddler down in a comfortable armchair, then position the baby on the big sib’s lap, a pillow under the arm supporting the baby’s head. Stay within arm’s reach, so if your toddler suddenly loses interest or the baby starts wailing or wriggling, you’ll be on hand to take over. Feel your toddler needs some practice before he or she is ready for baby prime time? Show him or her how to gently hold a baby doll first.
Pour on the toddler attention. Pent-up resentment can let loose in any number of physically aggressive ways (remember, your toddler doesn’t have the vocabulary to say “I hate that mommy-hogging baby!", so taking a swipe at the tiny competition says what words can’t yet). Try to head the aggression off by stepping up the attention your toddler craves.
Teach the art of “making nice.” Being gentle is a skill that, once cultivated, has plenty of practical applications in your toddler’s life beyond keeping a baby sib safer (say, keeping dogs from nipping grabby fingers). Show your bigger little one how to stroke the baby’s hand or toes (instead of yanking), how to gently rock the infant seat, how to tenderly swing the baby swing, how to cuddle, kiss, and hug without smothering. Point out how the baby likes that soft touch. Practice making nice on stuffed animals and dolls, too. Remind your toddler often, “gentle touch, please” or “make nice to baby,” but don’t rely on those mantras alone for impulse control (it’ll take a while for them to sink in). As always, heap on the praise whenever gentle contact is made to encourage more of the same (and less aggressive behavior). For more on squashing the hitting impulse, see page 167.
While it’s too early to expect truly empathic behavior from your toddler (she’s more likely to experience cause-and-effect curiosity than empathy when her punch reduces her playmate to tears), it isn’t too early to start planting the seeds. When your child takes a swing at her playmate, say firmly, “Don’t hit! Hitting hurts-ouch!” When your child is the victim, comfort her and say, “Hitting hurts, that’s why we don’t hit.” But realize that your words will almost certainly need to be backed up by actions. Supervise play-dates closely and stop aggressive behavior the moment it starts by removing the offender from the victim and quickly distracting both with a new activity.
Whatever you do, don’t respond to toddler aggression with adult aggression. Hitting a child teaches her that violence is an appropriate response under stress or in anger. So be sure to keep your temper in check when dealing with hers.
“At the playground, my son bites when someone won’t share a toy with him.”
The choice of weapon may be different, but the motives are usually the same for the biter as for the hitter (and for the hair puller, and the shover). Your toddler is frustrated by his inability to manipulate his environment (for example, appropriate that pail he’s been eyeing in the sandbox)—and even more frustrated by his inability to express that frustration. Aware that his words won’t have the bite he’d like them to have, he simply uses his teeth.
But toddlers sometimes bite for even more innocent reasons. For the curious toddler, biting may be just another inquisitive sensory experiment (“How will Taylor’s shoulder taste? Will it taste the same as Spot’s ear? Or Mommy’s arm?”). For the affectionate one, biting may be his unique way of saying “I love you.” Biting may also be a case of monkey-see, monkey-do, picked up from other tots. Or a sign that boredom, fatigue, sensory overload, or hunger has set in, or that teething pain is provoking the need to nibble on something (or someone). And, as is the case with many other negative behaviors, biting can represent no more than a call for attention (which biting inevitably brings).
Probably because biting seems so primal, so animal-like, parents are often more horrified when their toddlers bite than when they hit. Yet the biter is no more vicious than the hitter. In fact, a majority of toddlers engage in some biting sometime between their first and third birthdays. For most, it never becomes chronic; a few experimental chomps seem to satisfy the urge. But for some, the behavior persists and continues to cause problems.
The following tips may help nip a nipper in the bud:
Separate the biter and the victim immediately. Offer comfort to the victim as needed (and even if it isn’t needed, since this will reinforce for your toddler that biting isn’t the way to get attention). Don’t overreact, yell, or embark on a lengthy lecture-simply take your toddler aside and explain calmly but firmly, “Please don’t bite. Biting hurts. You hurt Alysha when you bit her.” When he bites out of an inability to communicate, help him find the words he needs to express his feelings: “I know you feel angry. It’s okay to say ‘I’m angry.’ But it’s not okay to hurt someone when you’re angry.” Not a message that will sink in or even be understood right away, but it’s a good message to begin sending.
Never bite back. As with hitting back, biting back is confusing to a toddler. Your bite says that it’s okay to bite someone if you’re angry with him, while your words say “Don’t bite.” Even biting back once to show him how it feels isn’t likely to help, since he probably isn’t yet able to connect his own pain with the pain others feel. Being bitten may hurt or startle him, but it’s unlikely to keep him from biting again.
Avoid a double standard. Some parents nibble on their child’s toes or fingers playfully or allow their toddlers to take a nip of their shoulder, cheek, or arm occasionally—especially if it doesn’t hurt much. Then, when their toddler bites a playmate, they scold. It’s best to avoid any confusion by banning biting for everyone.
Provide a nibble to prevent biting. Once in a while a very young child bites just because he’s hungry. Snack-up as needed before letting him loose in a social situation.
Take biting seriously. Can’t help but laugh the first time your child takes a bite out of you? Almost nothing will encourage biting more, so repress those giggles.
“When my daughter doesn’t get what she wants, she pulls hair.”
For many toddlers who don’t yet have a grip on vocabulary, gripping—and yanking—the closest handful of hair is a fallback form of communication. The reasons are the same as for those other primitive forms of expression, hitting and biting, and so are the interventions (see the previous questions).
Toddlers often express their frustration, as well as demonstrate their considerable lack of social skills, with hair pulling, pinching, biting, or another form of aggressive behavior.
With the toddler who pulls hair, it may also help to give her a shaggy stuffed animal to tug at to her heart’s content. Try, too, to change the way she thinks about hair—from something that gets tugged to something that gets styled—by allowing her to brush your hair or giving her a long-haired doll and doll brush to play with.
“Our son seems to be very wild when he’s playing. He doesn’t hurt anyone, but he throws his teddy bear against the wall for fun, or pummels his sister’s doll.”
Ever unload tension in a vigorous game of racquetball or by going a few rounds with a punching bag? Chances are, your toddler is letting off steam (and excess energy) the same way—and happily, he’s not hurting anyone in the process. Just as likely: He may just be flexing his curiosity (“I throw this teddy bear and it bounces off the wall—awesome!”).
Bottom line: If there’s no harm done to people or property, there’s no harm to this kind of aggressive play—and making a big deal about it will just step it up. You can certainly point out to your tot that although his toys don’t have real feelings, people and real animals do (though he probably won’t understand that message yet). You could also encourage gentle play (make a game out of petting the stuffed animal or rocking the baby doll nicely)—not that he’ll necessarily find the fun in playing along (for some toddlers, it’s just not fun unless it’s physical). Following the tips on fighting aggression on page 170 may help curb his wild ways. Definitely draw the line on aggressive play that damages or threatens to damage toys, furniture, or other property, or that hurts people or animals—and if he crosses that line, stop him in his tracks. Let him know such behavior is not appropriate, ever, and immediately remove him from the object of his aggression.
“Our daughter sucks her thumb—usually when she’s tired or upset. Is this okay?”
No need to give a thumbs-down to your tot’s thumb sucking. That little thumb is a big source of security for your toddler—and like all sources of comfort, her thumb comes in especially handy when she’s feeling stressed, pooped, or just out of sorts. Plenty of kids hang on to the thumb-sucking habit into the second year (and well beyond). And unless she’s sucking her thumb every waking (and sleeping) hour, there’s no reason to sweat this common comfort habit—it won’t affect her teeth or her mouth development. In fact, the more you pester (or scold, or tease), the more likely she is to suck away. If she’s like the majority of children, she’ll give up the thumb-sucking habit by about age 3, without your intervention.
“Our son is so attached to his pacifier, we’re afraid he’ll never give it up.”
Have visions of your son popping the pacifier from his mouth so he can answer questions in algebra class? Take heart—and a chill pill. Despite the understandable fears harbored by their parents, even persistent pacifier users usually abandon the beloved plug by age 4 or 5, and most stop sucking it well before.
Still, there are some good reasons to consider pulling the plug sooner rather than later, including an increased risk of ear infections and possible slower language and social development in diehard suckers. Here are some ways to break your toddler of the pacifier habit:
Establish limits. Start by limiting where the pacifier can go. Begin with the house or car only; then house only; then just your child’s bedroom; then only his crib. Another tactic: Set time limits on pacifier sessions, and gradually reduce them (from 30 minutes down to 2 or 3). Even better, require your toddler to sit or lie still when he has his paci in his mouth. Boring!
Keep his mouth busy. Ask questions, strike up conversations, and encourage your tot to recite rhymes, sing, laugh, make funny faces in the mirror, and otherwise use his mouth for non-pacifier purposes. If he tries to talk with the pacifier in his mouth, let him know that you can’t understand him and that he has to remove it if he wants you to know what he’s saying.
Don’t let him go hungry—or sleepy. The child who’s hungry or overtired tends to lose his ability to cope; it’s then that he’s likely to turn to a familiar coping mechanism, such as his pacifier. To cut down on those moments, offer snacks before your little guy hits a blood-sugar low and make sure he naps before he crosses the overtired line. Don’t, however, get in the habit of offering him food (or a drink of juice) every time he pleads for his paci—that will only substitute one coping mechanism for another.
Provide extra comfort. If your toddler seems dependent on the pacifier for comfort, offer him other sources of solace. Heap on the love and attention, particularly when he’s cranky or upset. Before he reaches for the paci, reach for him with a hug, or distract him with a story, or turn on some soothing music and settle down for a cuddle.
Take matters into your own hands. If you’re desperate to rid your son of his binky vice, poke tiny holes or cut some slits in the nipple of the pacifier—this changes the sucking sensation, making it less satisfying. You can also try “losing” the pacifier—either deliberately (via the “Binky Fairy,” who comes to collect binkies from all the big boys and girls, leaving a toy in its place) or “accidentally” (“Oops, we can’t find your binky!”). Another plan: Stage a “paci-good-bye party”—pick a day to hold the festivities, inform your tot about the big bash (and remind him about it often as the special day approaches), and then, with great fanfare, help him throw out the pacifier or put it in a box to send to “the babies,” after which he can celebrate his new independence with a piece of cake. This plan usually works best with tots closer to age 2.
If all your efforts to limit paci use fail, don’t force the issue. While tougher tactics may be needed a year or two from now (when both peer pressure and damage to his mouth and teeth can become problems), they aren’t necessary now. It may be that your toddler needs the comfort this comfort habit brings him more than ever—and that’s completely age-appropriate. For further reassurance, speak to your toddler’s doctor or dentist at the next visit.
“Our toddler drags a grimy old blanket around with her. When will she give it up?”
Comfort isn’t just for babies. In fact, dependence on a comfort object, also called a security object or transitional object, doesn’t typically peak until the second year, for a few good reasons. For one, though a toddler can’t always take mommy or daddy along as she explores her world, she isn’t quite ready to go it alone. A transitional object—whether it’s a tattered blanket, a well-worn teddy bear, or a little pillow—provides a perfect, portable source of reassurance, a reliable stand—in for you. A transitional object, not surprisingly, also helps a toddler make those tricky transitions—bridging the otherwise overwhelming gap between A and B (whether A is the playground and B is home, or A is being awake and B is being asleep). That security object also offers a sense of, well, security when a toddler faces her fears. And since fears (of the dark, of strangers, of dogs, of vacuum cleaners, to name just a few) start multiplying in the second year, she begins to need that courage crutch more than ever. Toddlers are also more likely to cling to a comfort object when they’re tired, cranky, frustrated, or otherwise out of sorts (which toddlers are often known to be).
Many toddlers latch on to one comfort habit or object—and some latch on to several.
So support your toddler’s right to the support of a comfort object. Let her clutch that blanket or teddy whenever she needs to—don’t tease her about it or pressure her to give it up or leave it at home. But at the same time, take these steps to keep that comforting companion from becoming her constant companion—and to make giving it up easier, when she’s ready:
Try to set some limits she can live with. If your toddler isn’t already in the habit of carrying her comfort object with her everywhere, try to put acceptable (to her) limits on where it can go. Suggest that it can go in the car, but not into the supermarket. Or that it can be carried around the house, but not around the playground. Offer plausible reasons for the restrictions (it might get lost at the supermarket or dirty on the swings). Volunteer to “take care” of the blanket when she climbs on the jungle gym or works on a puzzle in playgroup. With her help, find a special place where she can leave her blanket when she isn’t toting it. But don’t insist on limits if she’s not open to negotiating any. When the timing’s right for her, she’ll wean herself off her beloved lovie.
Keep it clean, with regular washings. If you don’t, your toddler may become as attached to the odor the blanket develops as she is to the blanket itself—and she’ll protest when it comes back smelling like springtime. Since separating a child from her security object can be tough, you’ll probably have to wash it while she’s sleeping.
Duplicate it, if you can. Though a baby just starting out with a blanket might not notice (and probably wouldn’t object) if you cut the blanket into a couple of pieces (one for you to wash, one for her to cuddle), a toddler who’s clutched the same blanket for months is likely to both notice and object. Instead, try buying an identical blanket (if you can find one), washing it a few times so it won’t seem too new, and either offering it to your toddler as an extra (she may or may not accept it) or putting it away for emergency use (when, for example, the original blanket is nowhere to be found at bedtime). If the comfort object is a toy or stuffed animal, purchasing a duplicate can accomplish the same objective. If your toddler is only mildly attached to her blanket, however, you might just stick with the one. Should it get lost, she can shed a few tears and then get on with her life without it.
Give her something else to do with her hands. Busy hands can’t clutch a blanket or a teddy. Keep your toddler occupied with interesting toys, crayons and finger paints, puzzles, and anything else that will divert her hands, and her attention, from her comfort object—at least some of the time.
Avoid applying pressure. Pushing your little one to do too much too soon can increase stress and her need for the support of a security object. So can over-scheduling (too many playdates, too many activities). If she seems stressed-out, relax her with some cuddling, a quiet book, soft music. And don’t tease or chide her for her blanket habit—that will only step up her attachment to her treasured friend.
It’s likely that your toddler will be ready to leave her blanket behind—or any other comfort object she’s become attached to—somewhere between ages 2 and 5, though she may continue reaching for it again during times of stress and change (plenty of kids, in fact, tote a tattered teddy to college). Until then, as long as she’s happy and thriving, relax. If the comfort object becomes an obsession, however, and your child spends more time stroking and cuddling the object than interacting and socializing with others, playing with toys, looking at books, and so on, you may need to look closely for underlying causes: for instance, an unhappy child care situation, too much stress or pressure at home, or an undetected medical or developmental condition. If you can’t uncover and remedy the problem yourself, consult your toddler’s doctor.
“When we put our son to sleep he goes through this ritual where he literally bangs his head against the wall next to his crib. We also hear him doing it in the middle of the night sometimes. It seems to calm him down-but it stresses us out.”
All that noggin-knocking driving you nuts? It may be hard to believe (and even harder to watch), but the very same rhythmic rituals that stress you out (head banging, rocking back and forth) are relaxing to your little rock-and-roller. These very common self-comforting activities, kinetic cousins to comfort objects, are at least three times more likely to show up in boys. They appear most often at night, when your little fireball is brimming with energy and tension that need releasing. Many tots bang only while they’re falling asleep or trying to fall back to sleep, while others bang when they’re bored, overstimulated, in pain (from teething, for instance, or an earache), having a tantrum, or want some attention.
Luckily, your little one’s habit is unlikely to harm his head (his skull is built to take it—along with all those minor tumbles). As with most toddler behaviors, the less attention paid to it, the better—scolding and overreacting will only step up comfort habits. But you can try:
Relieving stress. The arrival of a new sibling, a change in caregivers, being weaned off the bottle, or any other adjustment can be unsettling for toddlers. While head banging does a bang-up job of destressing your toddler, so can providing plenty of hugs and kisses, some undivided attention, and relaxing activities (like a quiet story or a mellow massage).
Rocking around the clock. Satisfy your child’s need to follow the rhythm action by inviting him to rock in a child-size rocker, ride one end of a teeter-totter, or play circle games like Ring around the Rosie or Farmer in the Dell. Music can also satisfy the primal need for rhythm your tot’s been filling by rocking or banging. Play lively music during the day, and encourage him to dance to it, clap to it, stomp to it, or bang on a pot to it. At bedtime, select some soothing tunes. Try rocking or swaying to the music gently as you read a bedtime story, or slow-dancing to it with your little one in your arms.
Providing release. Give your tot a big shaggy stuffed dog to wrestle with so he can release whatever he has pent up. Pounding with a toy hammer or banging on a toy drum, punching a pillow, pounding on play clay, running around outdoors, and swinging on a swing can also help him get his ya-yas out. Just don’t encourage these activities too close to bedtime, when you want your rocker to be relaxing, not releasing.
Making bedtime routine. Self-comforting activities generally peak in the evening because children use them to unwind after a busy day. A regular soothing and calming bedtime routine—begun well before he’s bedded down for the night—may help your toddler find more tranquil routes to relaxation. Also try to keep the atmosphere around your home as serene as possible in the hour or two before bed—no blaring TV, no loud conversations, and definitely no shouting.
Setting up safe surroundings. Move the bed or crib away from the wall, try padding the crib and other bangable surfaces within reach, and if necessary, detach the wheels from the crib and place a carpet underneath so it will stay in place.
In most children, rhythmic comfort activities disappear by age 3 without parental intervention. If your toddler’s head banging or body rocking is really excessive (he does it all day) and is accompanied by other developmental red flags (see box next column), mention it to the doctor, since it could be an indication of a developmental disorder, such as autism.
“Everything’s a ritual to my toddler: He always has to have his juice in the same cup, he always has to have his sandwich cut up the same way, he always has to wear the same sneakers. It’s driving me crazy.”
Everything having to be “just so” may seem just so... compulsive to the adults around him. But to your toddler—and to a lot of his pint-size peers—“just so” feels just right. While not every toddler craves ritual (and that’s normal, too), most demand at least some predictability in their food, drink, clothing, and daily routines—and some seem to obsess about consistency. For these tots, even the slightest variation in the same-old-same-old can set off a tirade.
Like negativity and temper tantrums, clinging to rituals is a toddler’s way of trying to gain some measure of control over his life, which isn’t easy to do when you’re less than 2 years old, less than 3 feet high, and hopelessly dependent on those much bigger and much more powerful than you. Being able to control some of the little things in life (which cup he drinks from, how his sandwich is sliced, which sneakers he wears) means a lot to a toddler and his self-esteem. Predictability is also comforting. With a toddler’s world ever expanding, it’s good to know that the more things change, the more he can keep them the same.
So instead of trying to pressure your child out of the rituals he treasures, let them rule for now, at least as much as is practical. Clue in anyone else who cares for him to what these rituals are and discuss how you deal with them. (Chances are, he’ll adapt in environments where his rituals can’t be performed, like in day care.)
Your toddler may be more open to a change if he’s in control of it. So every once in a while, propose that he pick out a new cup to drink from, show him a fun way of eating a sandwich (use a cookie cutter to cut yours into a star, an animal shape, or a heart and suggest that he do the same with his), propose shopping for sandals just like Daddy’s to wear at the beach. But if he clings to the standard, don’t push. With time and patience, ritual will lose its hold on your toddler.
“Any little change—a difference in the daily schedule, a new haircut on her mommy, new glasses on me—and our daughter unravels.”
As far as some toddlers are concerned, there’s no such thing as a change for the better.
Like so many toddler trademarks, rigidity has its roots in the toddler’s compulsion to try to control her environment as much as a tiny person can. She feels comforted by predictability and sameness, unnerved by newness (unless it’s her idea—like a new toy she picked out).
While not all toddlers unravel in the face of change, most resist it at least some of the time. Understanding that inflexibility is normal and age-appropriate for a toddler (and that flexibility may be at least a year away) should make this phase easier to survive. For now, try to go with the flow—or rather, the lack of flow. Keep the status quo as is—at least, as much as is practical, at least as it relates to your toddler. If a change is coming, whether she’ll like it or not—you need new glasses or want a new haircut—help your intractable tot adjust with lots of reassurance (“I’m still Daddy. I just have a new pair of glasses”). When a truly major change that can’t wait is on the horizon—a new child care situation suddenly becomes necessary, for instance—take extra pains to prepare her for the change and to help her get acclimated. Anticipate that she will be feeling unsettled while she adapts to her new environment or schedule, and that she’ll need extra support and understanding from her stabilizing source (you), but that pretty soon different will be the new same—and all will be right again in her world.
“My toddler seems so dependent on me. Every time I leave his side or start paying attention to anything else, he starts to cry or pull on my leg.”
It’s flattering to know that even as your little guy’s universe expands, you’re still the center of it. But it can also be something of a drag. Literally. Like when you’re trying to get dinner ready with a 25-pound weight on your leg, or listen to voicemail over howls of “Maammmaaa!”
While your toddler’s in this tricky trademark transitional phase—giddy at the prospect of facing the world on two feet, conflicted about leaving the cozy confines of your arms... excited about his newfound independence, but ambivalent about giving up the trappings of babyhood—you’ll have to walk a fine line (not easy, with your toddler still clinging to your leg) between providing too much comfort and providing too little, between supporting and stifling, protecting and overprotecting. With just the right balance of reassurance and encouragement, your tentative tot will gain the confidence he needs to let go of you... and your leg. In the meantime:
Torn between a hunger for independence and a craving for security, many toddlers still feel the need to cling.
Play peek-a-boo. Really. Your toddler—and others his age-most likely understands the concept of object permanence (if something isn’t visible, it still exists). In theory. But he still likes to be reassured that his favorite object—you-is permanently by his side (fast-forward 15 years, not so much). The peek-a-boo you’ve played with him since his baby days can still help reinforce your permanence. But try taking the game up a notch, to help him learn that when you leave, you come back. Duck behind a door or the sofa and say, “Where’s Mommy?” Then poke your smiling face out and say, “Here I am!” Gradually extend the hiding time from a few moments to a minute, as long as he doesn’t seem to get freaked out. If he doesn’t handle the game well at first, go back to hiding your face only—or hiding a teddy bear instead of you. Once he’s enjoying your disappearing act, encourage him to try his own (in the house, that is—be clear that these games are not to be played outside). Then move on to hide-and-seek.
Make time for togetherness. Have you been busy, busy, busy? That might be one reason he’s clingy, clingy, clingy. Try to sit down more often for one-on-one time (no fair counting one-on-one plus the TV, or one-on-one plus your phone), even if it’s just 15 minutes of stories or car races. When you’re on the run, swoop down for frequent hugs and kisses. Sure, the idea is to get him to loosen his hold on you... eventually. But a little extra togetherness may help him feel more secure on his own.
Make time for independence. If you’re a hovering heliparent, you may be unintentionally sending a mixed signal: “Play on your own.... no, wait, playing on your own isn’t a good idea!” Keep a close eye on your little one for safety’s sake, but also encourage him to go it alone with his blocks or shape sorter. Taking a step away from your toddler once in a while may help him feel more secure in taking baby steps to independence.
Set him up. Before you walk away from your toddler—even if you’re just walking to the other side of the same room—give yourself a head start by getting him busy with an activity. Set him up on the kitchen floor with a doll and an empty bottle and let him feed his baby while you get lunch ready for your big boy. Underfoot is better than stuck to your leg, isn’t it?
Keep in touch. Chat with him occasionally while you work. Reach over and pat his head, or help him fit a challenging shape into the sorter if he’s having a tough time.
Underreact. Does this scenario sound familiar? Your toddler starts to unravel the moment you get up to check office e-mail. You react with exasperation: “Can’t you be alone for two seconds?” Or with pity: “Oh, you poor baby—Mama’s right here!” He’s emotional, you’re emotional-and you both wear it on your sleeve, and not well. You end up giving up on the e-mail and leaving it unchecked until he’s napping or in bed. And of course, the scenario keeps playing out like it’s on a loop-day in, day out.
Instead, try this script. He starts to cry. You nonchalantly say “It’s okay, I’ll be right back.” Or just as matter-of-factly say “Here, you can sit on the floor with this truck. Mommy’s busy now.” He keeps crying (of course), you keep checking your e-mail. Calmly, coolly. Finish up, then re-enter your toddler’s world—just as calmly, just as coolly. With a smile, say “Here I am. Mommy’s back! Did you have fun while I was working?” Of course, you know the answer is “no”—at least right now. But that’s not the point. With practice, he’ll get the hang of keeping it together when you leave his side—and your comings and goings will become a nonevent.
Let him tail you. If your toddler insists on following you around the house, even into the bathroom, it’s fine to let him. He has a whole bunch of temporarily conflicted feelings (Do I want to be independent? Dependent?)—but, for now, no need to add rejection to the mix. If he insists on grabbing your leg, try to make light of the load you’re dragging around: “Is there a monkey on my leg? Where did that monkey come from? I better get a banana for the monkey!” But also know when to draw the line in the sandbox. If he’s keeping you from getting important stuff done, calmly explain why that’s not an option: “If I don’t get the chicken cooked, we can’t eat dinner.” Then get back to business.
Leave the leaving to him. Separation is probably only traumatic for your toddler when it’s your idea—not when it’s his. If the two of you have been playing together at home and he wanders off to do his own thing, let him (as long as you can see he’s safe). He needs to know it’s okay to leave your side (at home).
Make sure you’re not the dependent one. Everyone likes to be needed, right? But sometimes, parents like to be needed by their kids just a tad too much. They’ll hover over a puzzle that’s getting done slowly, barge in on a stuffed-animal birthday party uninvited, anticipate clinginess before it happens (“Don’t cry—I’m just going to wash the dishes”). Stuck in a cycle of neediness? Make an effort to break out, and be codependent no more.
Hang in there. You’ve heard this before—and you’ll hear it again (and again and again over the next 20 years or so): Your child’s going through a phase. Clinging comes and it goes (and sometimes it comes back—like when preschool starts... or college). Some kids cling more, some less. As long as you know your toddler is otherwise happy and getting enough love and the right amount of attention, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither is he. So hang in there as he hangs on.
“Our daughter cries when we leave her at day care. Shouldn’t she be over this separation anxiety already?”
Growing up is hard to do. From the moment the cord is cut, life is full of separations—including plenty that you probably can’t imagine yet (first day of kindergarten... first sleepover at a friend’s... sleepaway camp dropoff). And all of them will be challenging, potentially for both of you (let’s be honest: How well do you really think you’re going to handle driving away from the dorm without her?)
Here’s that phrase again: It’s only a phase. Separation anxiety comes and goes many times as a child walks (and yikes!... later drives) that long road to adulthood. You may have glimpsed this anxiety for the first time when your little one was about 9 months old, or sooner, or later. Some toddlers aren’t good at separations (as you may have noticed at day care drop-off, when your toddler’s tiny hands adhered to your neck with the tenacity of a pro wrestler). Others, often to their parents’ secret chagrin, hardly ever look back. Some little ones initially have an easier time, then get unexpectedly clingy later on (sometimes not until age 2 or 3-and sometimes not until 5 or 6). Others have a tougher time at first, then gain the confidence they need to sprint away from their parents’ side. There are children who separate more easily from dad, others who cling less to mom. Sometimes a stress in a child’s life, like a new babysitter, mom going back to work, teething, even an oncoming cold, steps up clinginess.
There’s no predicting when Operation Day Care Drop-off (and other separations) will start running more smoothly. Until it does, keep these tips in mind:
Let your toddler lap it up. Attention is like a chocolate bar—when you know you can have one anytime you want, you’re not as likely to crave twelve at a time. If your toddler knows that your love and attention are always there for the taking (at home and away), she won’t be as needy for it—and in time, she’ll feel more comfortable venturing away from it at separation times. She’ll just want more and more of it if you give that attention only grudgingly—admittedly not hard to do when you’re late for work already, and you’re desperate to pry her fingers off so you can get out the door.
Don’t give her any ideas. Even if you’re dreading the worst while you’re on the way to day care, pretend you expect smooth sailing. Don’t mention the separation—instead, talk about the fun things she’ll be doing in day care or when you’ll pick her up (“after nap time” or “before dinner”). Or talk about the leaves flying around, the little dog passing by, or the big green truck stopped at the traffic light.
Play it cool, but not too cool. Your toddler is screaming bloody murder. Your watch is ticking (late again!). Your nerves are shot, and speaking of shots, you haven’t had your coffee yet. The impulse is to lose it—to do a little screaming yourself, be over-the-top exasperated. Or to be so stressed out that you resort to putting your toddler’s feelings down (“You’re acting so silly!”), or even catering your toddler’s pity party (“Awww, my little baby wants her mama!”). Instead (and this is another recurring theme), make “matter-of-fact” your mantra. Act like the crying doesn’t stress you out in the least (even though, who are we kidding?). Be upbeat, confident, all smiles, annoyingly cheerful, if you have to. Kids tend to take their emotional cues from their parents, so the calmer you are about the separation, the calmer she’ll become-in time.
FOR PARENTS
Parting’s all sorrow (and not the sweet kind) at your house? The following tips can help you get out the door... without the drama:
Don’t be a sneak. Tempted to slip out when your toddler’s not looking or is fast asleep? A sneaky retreat from your home or the child care center may avoid a scene short-term, but it’ll also put your toddler on high front-door alert in the future—not to mention introduce all kinds of trust issues. Knowing you could leave at any time will just step up anxiety (and round-the-clock clinging), adding to those good-bye melodramas. If your toddler and babysitter leave for the playground or a playdate or errand before you head out, let your toddler know that you’ll be gone when they return.
For a shorter good-bye, slow it down. Last-minute rushes are stressful for you and your toddler. When you can (and you won’t always be able to), slow down the pace before you make your exit. Plan to arrive at child care a little early, so you’ll have time for a quick story. Devote the last 15 minutes before the babysitter arrives to building a block castle (instead of frantically trying to locate your left shoe). Even a few moments of uninterrupted togetherness can help your toddler transition to apart time.
Get your toddler busy. Here are the rules of engagement: Before you pick up your work briefcase or your handbag, engage your toddler in an absorbing activity. Being busy won’t necessarily keep your little one from making a big scene when you do leave, but it’ll give him or her something to go back to once you’re gone, a win-win scenario.
Leave a mommy or daddy memento. Whether it’s a t-shirt of yours to clutch, a photo of you in a mini soft frame to keep in a pocket, a lipstick-print kiss, or a dab of aftershave or perfume, having a little piece of you to carry around can help your toddler bridge the parent gap while you’re gone.
Ditch the drama. Cut the long, dramatic good-byes, and aim to be a no-drama mama or dada. Rewrite the script (the one where your tragic hero or heroine is anchored to your foot, wailing as you struggle to walk out the door), and direct it with a light, upbeat touch (even a little humor—but no laughing at your little one’s tears). Keep to the four C’s: casual, cool, calm, collected. Choose a parting phrase that reinforces going and coming back, and use it whenever you leave your toddler. Like “See you later, alligator. In a while, crocodile.” Or even a simple “Later, ’gator.” Pretty soon, your toddler will be able to join cheerfully in the refrain. A wave or two is fine, but try not to go overboard. This isn’t the send-off of the Titanic-you’re just going out for the day or evening.
Cut and run. You don’t want to convey to your toddler the message that “the longer you cry, the longer I stay.” So once you’ve made a speedy handoff to the babysitter or day care provider, plaster that whitening strip-commercial smile on your face, say your bye-bye, and hightail it out the door. Whatever you do, don’t look back.
Hold the guilt. Learning to separate is hard for some little ones, but it’s an important life lesson. You’re actually doing your toddler a favor by helping her learn it. If she’s in good hands, feel good about stepping away from your toddler.
Take a good look in the mirror. Yes, to make sure you don’t have blueberry yogurt on your suit. But also to see (be honest now) whether your own separation anxiety is rubbing off on your toddler. Maybe it’s that pesky guilt again, maybe it’s ambivalence about working or child care, maybe it’s just pre-drop-off stress (you anticipate a scene, you get one). Kids have a sixth sense when it comes to reading their parents, so be careful what your little one sees in your face. Check that mirror of self-reflection—and then check those anxieties at the day care door (or before you leave your toddler with a babysitter or otherwise face a separation).
Take a good look around you. Chances are you’re only noticing the kids without separation anxiety at drop-off: the ones who toddle or run off to start playing as soon as they’re unbuckled from the stroller or the car seat. Well, look again—you’ll see there are lots of other little ones with big separation issues. That’s because... it’s normal.
“Our toddler won’t let anybody else do anything for her when I’m around, not even her father. It’s tying up all my time, and it’s making him feel like he’s not needed.”
As far as most toddlers are concerned, nobody does it better than mommy (though for some children it’s daddy who’s up there on the parent pedestal). Nobody pours a drink, fixes French toast, puts on shoes, changes diapers, or pushes the stroller in just the same way as Mommy does, and as long as Mommy’s around, nobody had better try—that is, unless they’re fans of rejection.
It’s understandable that Mommy, being all the wonderful things Mommy is, tops many toddler A-lists—especially if Mommy’s been the primary need-filler (and food-fixer) from early on. Still, if you’re your tot’s one-and-only, it’s sometimes hard to feel all that flattered about this attention—and easy for you to feel a little put upon (or a lot, especially after a hard day). As for Daddy, it’s tough to compete with Mommy worship (or vice versa, in homes where favoritism is flipped)—and sometimes it may not even seem worth the trouble.
A little perseverance will help, along with a lot of perspective. Playing favorites is just a toddler’s way of demonstrating her right to choose—just as she does when she clamors for a certain cup at snack time or a certain book at story time. It’s also her way of maintaining the sameness that brings so much comfort (Daddy may get an “A” for effort with the French toast, but maybe he forgot to trim the crust like Mommy always does—or to add the blueberry smile). It’s not a sign that one of you is a better parent or the parent who’s better loved. What’s more, it’s bound to end sooner or later. Many children switch from being mama’s girls (or boys) to daddy’s once they hit the preschool years-leaving Mom on the outside looking in.
In the meantime, with some effort on the part of both parents, some of this single-minded mommymania can be minimized. Here’s how:
Don’t ask for it. If you’ve got a “she likes it better when I do it” mind-set, you could be inadvertently feeding the favoritism-not to mention dumping all the childcare on yourself.
Let dad do his thing. His way may be different, but your tot will get used to the variety in sandwich-making techniques and story-reading style.
Share the good jobs. Sharing the responsibilities of parenting fairly means sharing both the tedious and the fun. If you dole out to Dad only those jobs that you don’t feel like doing (or that your toddler hates—like getting her shoes on her), and hog the ones that are fun, he’s going to have a hard time competing.
Step to the sidelines. Given a choice, your tot will opt for Team Mommy, true. But step off the field altogether on a regular basis (go for a walk, take care of some business, soak in the tub, run to the mall), and she’ll have the chance to discover Dad’s winning ways. Leave without second thoughts about her—or a million last-minute reminders for him—and whatever you do, don’t call in every five minutes to check on how they’re doing without you. They’ll not only survive without you, but they’ll bond on a whole new level (and she may even discover that dad’s shampoo sculptures beat the suds out of yours). What starts out as daddy-by-default time may become daddy-by-choice time.
Make an effort to step back when the three of you are together, too. Say: “I’m busy now, but Daddy will pour your milk (or put Paddington’s boots on, or help you with the puzzle, or read you a story).”
“My toddler won’t let me do anything for him. He only wants Daddy, Daddy, Daddy—and frankly, I’m insulted.”
In many toddler homes, mommy can do no wrong... and daddy can do nothing at all. In other homes, like yours, daddy rules. As with mom favoritism, dad bias is sometimes a product of circumstance (dad’s around more), sometimes one of personality (they’re just made for each other). Either way, try not to take the dissing personally—it’s not a reflection on your mommy stuff. Instead, use these tips to help you get through the snubbing phase:
Be patient. “It’s just a phase” is something you’ll be saying a lot throughout the second year (and the third, and the fourth, and the fourteenth...), and it holds especially true in this situation. Before you know it, it’ll be your turn to shine.
Be cool. If you’re not the chosen one (this time around), don’t make a big deal out of it. Show that your toddler’s preference bothers you, and he’s sure to stick even closer to Dad (remember, full-on empathy’s not a 1-year-old’s thing).
Be positive. Try to warm your toddler up if he’s been giving you the cold shoulder. Play his favorite game with him, or read his favorite book, or fix his favorite lunch. You’ll be more likely to score points with your tot when the two of you are alone, but don’t let that stop you from trying when you’re all together, too.
Be different. Carve out some activities that only you and your child do together—and that the preferred parent isn’t already known for: muffin baking, Sunday morning brunch, a stroll through the park to see the ducks, making play clay.
“Our son seems jealous. Every time my husband tries to hug me, he pushes us apart and complains. At first we thought it was cute, but it’s getting annoying.”
Your toddler’s not the only little Oedipus on the block. Many tots have a fierce, possessive love for the woman in their lives. And these feelings are both normal and normally transient—by the time they reach age 3 or 4, many boys start keeping mom at arm’s length, rejecting the hugs and kisses they used to clamor for.
While you’re waiting for this jealous phase to pass, try not to react with annoyance (spurning your toddler for daddy will only fuel jealousy and confirm his fear that daddy poses a threat) or too sympathetically (spurning daddy for him will only confuse his notion of family dynamics). Instead, try some good humor (but no laughter—he won’t appreciate your making fun of his feelings). Include him in your hugs when he seeks to pry you apart, so that he won’t feel left out, and remind him “I love you and I love Daddy. We all love each other. Group hug!”
“Every time someone outside the immediate family approaches my toddler, she hides behind me. Isn’t this fear of strangers a little extreme?”
Extremely age-appropriate is more like it. So-called stranger suspicion is very common during the second year—and it’s actually a much more mature and rational fear (rational to your tot, at least) than the “stranger anxiety” that many babies experience in the first year. Think of it as a thinking child’s paranoia. Because your toddler is capable of more complex thoughts than she used to be, she’s also capable of more complex fears. During this often intensely apprehensive time, every grown-up who isn’t mommy or daddy may be viewed with suspicion: a neighbor, a babysitter, a friend; even a once-well-accepted grandparent or other relative may receive the distrustful treatment. While this fearful reaction may sometimes embarrass you and upset others (especially Grandma), it’s actually not an altogether bad trait. In fact, if you think about it, knowing that your toddler isn’t likely to walk off with the first stranger who offers her a cookie should be somewhat comforting.
But fear probably isn’t the only reason that your toddler stays hidden behind your legs in the face of strangers—there may be an element of annoyance, too. Consider how you might react toward a stranger, or someone you barely knew or recognized, who came right up to you and helped themselves to a hug, a tummy tickle, a pinch of your cheek, a pat of your head—who tried to pick you up or barrage you with silly questions you didn’t even understand. It’s likely that even you, a grown-up, might have a tough time minding your manners. For a toddler, who hasn’t been around the social block, whose grasp of manners is shaky at best—well, it’s no wonder she rebuffs the advance and dives behind your legs for protection.
Stranger suspicion, like most phases of toddlerhood, will inevitably come to an end—sooner in some children, later in others. While you’re waiting for wariness to run its developmental course, there are ways you can help her (and yourself) cope more effectively with it:
Cut strangers off at the hug. Try intervening before a stranger makes a move toward your toddler. As with a suspicious animal, a suspicious child will be less fearful if the newcomer approaches her gradually. Without labeling your child as “shy” or “scared” (kids tend to live up to their labels), explain to the wannabe hugger that slow’s the way to go.
Support her all the way. If your toddler wants to be held while in the company of strangers, hold her—for as long as she needs and wants to be held. If she wants to hide behind you, let her. When and if she’s ready to go it alone, she’ll let you know. In the meantime, offer your reassuring support and understanding unconditionally, and without demeaning comments (“You’re acting like such a baby”) or teasing (“You silly girl”).
Try more exposure. Your toddler will thaw faster if she’s exposed to a wide variety of familiar and unfamiliar people on a regular basis. So take her to the supermarket, mall, museum, zoo, playground, and social gatherings. Travel on buses and subways, go for walks down crowded streets. But be careful not to push your child to interact with the people she’ll meet during these outings—always let her take the lead. Just being around strangers is achievement enough for now.
Don’t push it. Often parents worry more about the rejected stranger’s feelings than those of their child, especially if the “stranger” is a friend or relative they don’t want to see rebuffed. So they may push a reluctant tot toward an exuberant stranger, with toddler tears the invariable result (and how’s that going to go down with Grandma?). The strange truth about stranger suspicion is that the more you respect it, the faster it will fade. Push those interactions and you’ll push your toddler farther behind your legs. Worried about the stranger’s feelings (especially if he or she is no stranger)? Simply explain that the reaction shouldn’t be taken personally—your tot’s just at an age when only mommy or daddy will do.
“Our toddler is very outgoing and he’ll go up to any stranger indiscriminately. That makes us a little nervous.”
Some toddlers are fearless in the face of strangers—possibly, a little too fearless. Maybe it’s because they’re extra-extroverted by nature, maybe it’s because they’ve had extra exposure to different people in different settings, maybe it’s a combo of both. Because your toddler’s judgment is no match for his outgoing nature yet, your vigilance in public will be his protection. Never let him out of your sight, even for a moment, when you’re out and about. If he tends to wander, see the the next question for tips on keeping him close at hand.
Though it’s too soon to expect your people-loving tot to be a good judge of strangers—or a good exerciser of impulse control—it isn’t too soon to start building those skills, which will keep him safe in the future. When your toddler heads for a smiling stranger without your go-ahead, say: “If you want to say ‘hello’ to someone, you have to tell Mommy or Daddy.” If he takes something from a stranger (like that sales clerk who hands him a piece of candy), remind him to check with you before accepting. The concept probably won’t sink in yet, but repeated often, it will eventually. Meanwhile, you—and other caregivers—will be there to protect him from his own outgoing personality.
A word of caution about these precautions: As you gradually educate your toddler about stranger safety, be careful not to send the signal that strangers are universally menacing—most strangers are well-meaning, after all—or to stress him out about being sociable. Keep your stranger rules simple, and avoid incorporating scare tactics (don’t warn that “strangers might be mean” or that “strangers might steal you”). The ultimate goal is to make your child appropriately cautious, not unreasonably fearful.
“Whenever we go out with our 1½-year-old, she wanders off to look at this or that or runs ahead of us toward the street. We’re constantly chasing after her.”
Your toddler goes left when you want to go right. She turns right when you’re facing left. She plows full speed straight ahead if there’s a busy intersection on the horizon. She takes off the minute you put her down. And she puts you on notice the minute you step outdoors: The chase is on, Mom and Dad.
There’s definitely a bit of catch-me-if-you-can sport in her wandering ways (and it’s always entertaining for her when you run after her, waving your arms wildly and screeching for her to stop), but believe it or not, she’s not just trying to annoy you or exhaust you. She’s also trying to discover as much she can, every time she’s out. Safety? Proper outdoor behavior? Not on her list of priorities.
Balancing her outing agenda with yours isn’t easy, but it can be done. To encourage your toddler’s explorations while keeping her safe, teaching her some basic street smarts, and even occasionally running an errand or two yourself, you’ll need to begin thinking in terms of two kinds of outings:
Parent-in-charge outings. Some places can be dangerous to explore: a crowded sidewalk, the middle of the street, a busy store. When safety is at stake or when you’ve got a lot to do in a little time, your toddler’s curiosity has to take a backseat (or a seat in the stroller). Make it clear in such situations that she can’t run ahead or lag behind, that she must hold your hand or ride in her stroller. She may be more willing to agree to these road rules if you keep her occupied with questions, challenges, or observations about what you see around you, or with a round of silly songs or nursery rhymes.
Toddler-in-charge outings. When time permits and the route you’re taking is reasonably safe, let your toddler guide the expedition (always well within your sight, of course), dawdling to kick a mountain of snow or rushing ahead to see a squirrel scamper up a tree. Just lace up your running shoes and be ready to take off when she does. She will get infinitely more satisfaction (and gain more knowledge) out of her explorations if you play co-explorer with her—pointing out that the acorn she found came from that oak tree, or that the dandelion she’s smelling is yellow, or that the rock she’s proudly displaying in her palm has some shiny spots in it that are called mica. Don’t, however, monopolize her investigations or overdo the commentary (especially if she’s tuning you out). Remember, she’s leading the excursion.
And, of course, provide constant supervision—it takes only a second with your head turned away for a toddler to run off into a crowd at the mall or dart into the street.
“Every time I turn on the vacuum around my toddler, she starts screaming in fear. What can I do about it?”
Things that go bump in the night. Things that go woof. Things that get plugged in, make loud noises, suck up everything in sight, or loudly flush down the drain. To an adult, they’re just a part of everyday life. To a toddler, they can be downright terrifying.
Topping the fright-worthy list in the second year are sudden, loud noises (like the vacuum), animals, and doctors. At age 2, fear typically comes in the form of the toilet (usually coinciding with potty training), the dark, and people in masks and costumes (such as clowns at the circus and Santa Claus at the mall). But as always, your one-of-a-kind toddler is likely to have her own one-of-a-kind set of fears.
What brings on those fears? Growing up, actually. Your toddler knows more and thinks more than she did as a baby, giving her more mature mind material for countless frightening scenarios. She’s able to grasp cause and effect, but without the experience to sort out the reasonable from the un-, she thinks up consequences that might seem absurd to an adult. If a vacuum cleaner sucks up dust and dirt, could it also suck up me? If the dog on TV snapped, won’t all dogs bite? If water goes down the bath drain, isn’t it possible that a person—especially a small one like me—could, too?
Also contributing to fears are a growing imagination, a realization that she’s smaller (and thus more vulnerable) than those around her, an expanding memory (“I remember going too high on that swing and I didn’t like it”), increased mobility (which allows her to toddle into fear-provoking encounters—with a meandering dog, a dangling spider, a lawn mower at work), and suggestibility (if a playmate or a sibling displays a fear of escalators, she may become afraid, too).
To help your toddler deal with fears:
Realize the fears are real. They may seem irrational to you, but they are real to your toddler. Though ignoring many other kinds of behaviors may discourage them (think tantrums, whining), ignoring fear doesn’t usually make it go away. In fact, not validating a fear can magnify it and/or make it the foundation of a lot of other fears (a fear of birds may grow into a fear of all animals; a fear of spiders may lead to a fear of all insects). Laughing it off can backfire, too. While a little playful teasing may work wonders on a toddler who’s stubbornly refusing to get dressed for day care, teasing a toddler who’s terrified of dogs by getting on all fours and barking like a terrier may only feed the fear.
Don’t make your toddler face fears. Forcing a toddler who’s afraid of dogs to pet the neighbor’s collie, dunking a toddler afraid of water in the swimming pool, or insisting that a toddler afraid of the vacuum stand close to it when it’s on could turn a fear into a long-term phobia. Admonishing “Be brave” or “Don’t act like a baby” is also bad medicine. Instead, follow a fear-reduction program that combines sensitive support and understanding with gradual exposure (see box, facing page).
Keep your fears in check. If your toddler sees you take charge of your fears calmly, she may eventually learn to do likewise, based on your model. If, on the other hand, you jump three feet in the air every time you spy a spider, you’ll be showing your toddler how to let fear take control.
Let your toddler lean on you. Fearful toddlers need a strong, supportive hand to hold. Approach potentially challenging situations confidently and calmly, reassuring your toddler that you won’t let anything hurt her. Try not to go overboard with coddling, though, or you may reinforce your toddler’s fears (“If Mommy’s giving me a whole lot of comfort, that dog must be a monster!”)
Steer clear of scares when you can. You can’t avoid every dog, but it makes sense to cross the street so you won’t walk close to the snarling dog’s house. You can’t avoid all loud noises, but it’s a sure bet you should stay out of situations where thunderous applause or fireworks can be expected. If you and your tot come across an unexpected scare, offer reassurance, then distract your toddler right away—don’t dwell on the fear.
Try not to anticipate fears. Or to create them where they hadn’t existed. Warning “Don’t be scared” when a cat approaches you may introduce a fear of felines. Better to say “See the pretty kitty. She wants to say hello to us.”
Be a booster. Self-confidence can go a long way in overcoming fear. So praise every bit of progress your toddler makes over her fear (no matter how small) and avoid criticizing steps taken backward (no matter how big).
“Whenever my toddler sees a dog, even if it’s a block away, he clings to me in terror. It’s getting so bad we can’t even take a walk anymore.”
Being a little cautious around dogs isn’t such a bad thing, if you think about it. When toddlers are totally fearless, the consequences can be serious for little fingers and faces, as well as for fluffy tails and floppy ears. But while a little fear can go a long way in protecting your little one from the neighborhood canines (and vice versa), it can definitely keep you both from exploring the neighborhood—or any place where dogs roam. Not to mention, deprive him of the many benefits of having four-footed friends.
Like toddlers, pets are cuddly walking photo ops. But also like toddlers, pets are a major responsibility—particularly if they’re (like toddlers) young and untrained. So you’d be smart to consider the responsibility pet ownership entails before you succumb to the irresistible selection at the local pet store or shelter. Whether this is the right time to expand your family by one furry member will depend on several factors:
Is your toddler comfortable with animals? Some toddlers are afraid or tentative around dogs and cats. If this is the case with your child, wait until he or she becomes more relaxed around animals before bringing a four-legged friend home.
Is there enough room in your home for pet and toddler? Pets, especially puppies, need space to play in (just as toddlers do)—and feed in (you definitely don’t want your toddler tucking into the kibble). Consider whether there’s enough space in your home for child and pet to run around in without having a run-in.
Is there enough time in your day (and night) for both a pet and a toddler? As you know if you’ve owned one before, pets need care, attention, and guidance—just like toddlers do. And unless you acquire a pet that’s already obedience-trained, both have a whole lot to learn. Think about whether you have the time to feed, groom, entertain, clean up after, and teach them both. An even more critical consideration: Will you be able to provide constant supervision for safety’s sake? Since toddlers are much more likely than an older child to unknowingly provoke a pet, they are much more likely to become the victim of an animal attack. In other words, if you get a pet—especially one that has free run of the house—you’ll have to watch your toddler even more carefully than you otherwise would.
Next, you’ll need to decide what type of pet to get. Dog or cat—or bunny? Great Dane or mini schnauzer? Purebred or from the pound? Male or female? Frisky newborn or settled senior? Choosing the right pet isn’t just about choosing the cutest one. You’ll also need to consider the following before proceeding:
Species. Whether you’ve always been a cat lover, a dog lover, or a bird lover, your perspective may have to change to accommodate your toddler’s needs. Here are some good choices for tots:
Dogs. A dog can be not only a toddler’s best friend, but also a good teacher. With the right dog, a young child can learn about animals and nature, about responsibility, about empathy, caring, and sharing, about getting along with others, about unconditional love and loyalty. And since dogs, especially young ones, like to run, jump, frisk, and frolic just as toddlers do, they can join in the toddler games long after parents have run out of energy or enthusiasm. Unlike parents, they’re rarely too busy for a romp or a cuddle. Of course, not every dog lives up to this companionable description, so choose wisely (see the next page). Another less obvious bonus with getting a dog: Researchers say that children who grow up around two or more dogs (or cats) may have a reduced risk of developing common allergies. While it’s not known for sure why a houseful of flying fur seems to prevent allergies in kids, scientists believe that early exposure to antigens carried by dogs and cats stimulates a protective response in the body’s immune system, making it better able to resist allergies later. Of course, filling the house with furry friends solely to prevent allergies you’re not sure your child will develop doesn’t make sense.
Cats. In general, cats may not be as naturally compatible companions for toddlers as dogs are. Though some cats (particularly those raised in a family with children) are very affectionate and fairly patient with toddlers, many felines prefer the more sedate company of adults. They may be less likely to run around with a toddler than to run away from one. They may also be less tolerant of a toddler’s playful roughhousing, and that can prove frustrating—and possibly dangerous—to the toddler. (Keep in mind that some dogs, especially small or high-strung ones, may be just as impatient and just as potentially dangerous.) If you choose a cat as a pet, screen candidates carefully with your toddler in tow.
Birds. Most birds, ensconced in child-proofed cages, can be an interesting-to-watch (if not safe-to-play-with) pet choice for a toddler. The bird will also be safe from the rough and tumble toddler who won’t be able to ruffle its feathers (literally). Potential perk: If the bird talks, your tot may pick up some words. A potential pitfall: Many birds bite.
Fish. Young children love watching fish swim around a tank, and it’s actually a great way for a wired toddler to unwind. Just be sure your little one knows that fish are for watching, not petting or touching—and no hands in the water.
Hamsters and guinea pigs. Both are low-maintenance pets that will delight your toddler (especially if you outfit the cage with an exercise wheel), but remember that most hamsters and gerbils are nocturnal animals (something you’re hoping your human little one won’t be anymore). Guinea pigs, who play by day and sleep by night may be the better bet. No matter what rodent you choose, make sure the cage is high enough that your toddler can’t unlatch it on his or her own, or make the latch toddlerproof. And remember that these balls of fur can bite—especially when they’re poked or prodded.
You’re best off not bringing members of the reptile family into your home when you’ve got a toddler, since they can carry disease. Rabbits, while temptingly cuddly and cute, should probably be left in the pet store for now, too. They tend to be biters.
Breed. Not all dog breeds are equally patient and playful with children, so do your homework before you start your search. Often, mixed breeds are less high-strung, more easygoing, and easier to train than purebreds. But more important than breed is the personality of the individual animal, so spend some time getting to know a prospective pet with your toddler before you seal the deal. The right pet will be friendly and affectionate, won’t shy away from young children, and will not snap or scratch if an ear is poked or a tail pulled.
Gender. In general, female dogs are gentler than males, while male cats are often more people-loving and affectionate than females. Neutering tends to make both dogs and cats less aggressive, more gentle, and easier to handle. But again, individual temperament should be the overriding consideration.
Age. The advantage of buying a puppy or kitten is that it can grow up with your toddler. The disadvantage, of course, is that you’ll have two babies in the house, both of whom require a lot of attention and training. A mature animal will usually be housebroken or litter-trained, a definite plus. But it will also be set in its ways and may have a difficult time making friends with your toddler (unless it was raised in a family with small children)—and it may lack the energy it’ll need to keep up with your two-legged tyke. Consider, too, that a pet on the brink of old age may require more time-consuming care than you can give.
If you do decide to go ahead with your plans for a pet (or you already have a pet and need to step up safety now that your toddler is mobile), consider the steps you’ll need to take to get your pet toddler-ready (and your toddler pet-ready):
Pets need to be toddler-trained. A toddler’s high-energy style can take getting used to, especially if your new pet isn’t used to young children. Even if your new pet lived with children previously, have it spend time with your toddler at first only under close supervision. Keep these getting-to-know-each-other sessions brief at first so that neither the animal nor your toddler will be overwhelmed. Closely monitor the pet’s reaction to your toddler’s actions and antics.
Toddlers need to be pet-trained. Often overly exuberant, toddlers can hurt or alarm a pet when they actually mean to show affection or get a good game going. See the box on page 202 for tips on training your toddler in pet sensitivity and safety.
Pets and toddlers may need to be protected from each other, at least at first. Since both can be unpredictable-and both, frankly, can act like animals—the potential for harm, intentional or not, is there on both sides. Always supervise your toddler while they’re together and provide a separate safe play space for each (seal off areas with a closed door or a gate—if neither can scale it—so neither can get access to the other’s space). A large crate might be a good refuge for a dog that’s tired of toddler antics.
Pet bowls and toddlers don’t mix. Feed your pet when your little one is sleeping, busy in another room, or not at home. Pick up the pet bowl after each meal, unless it’s in a space that’s inaccessible to your toddler. These steps will not only keep your toddler from nibbling on the kibble but also keep your pet from nibbling on your toddler when it catches his or her fingers in the chow. Even friendly animals tend to turn hostile when their food or water is threatened. Another reason to keep your toddler away from the pet food bowl: Pet food (and the bowl it’s been in) can harbor salmonella.
It may also make sense to keep your pet out of the room when your toddler is eating—especially if more food tends to end up in (and on) your pet than in your toddler.
Keep your pet healthy. From vaccinations (to prevent rabies) to flea, tick, and worm prevention, be sure your pet is up-to-date with shots and other preventive care. Some pet health problems can spread to humans, especially little ones.
No need to aim to eliminate your toddler’s fear entirely. Just modify it, so that he can approach dogs with sensible caution, not senseless panic. Here’s how:
Make nice to make-believe dogs. Spend some time acclimating your tot to furry friends who can’t jump, lick, or bite: cuddly toy dogs he can pet, hug, and control; battery-operated dogs that bark and romp; picture-book dogs of all sizes and breeds. Read stories that center on friendships between children and dogs and that depict dogs as playmates, as helpers, as heroes.
Demystify dogs. Explain that barking and tail-wagging are a dog’s way of talking, and that dogs sometimes jump on or bump into people to say hello. Also show—on a stuffed pet—the proper petting protocol (see box, next page).
Seek out mellow mutts. Check with friends, neighbors, and relatives to locate a real live dog who’s good tempered (older dogs and dogs who have been spayed or fixed are usually more placid than puppies, but temperament can also vary with breed and within breed), friendly (but not over-the-top friendly, since jumping and slobbering can frighten a toddler as much as barking and biting), and accustomed to children (some dogs are as wary of young children as young children are of them). Then you can do some doggy desensitization.
Start with a snapshot. Before the face-to-snout introduction takes place, show a picture of the dream dog to your toddler, and give a little back story (“The dog’s name is Ralph—isn’t he cute?”).
Arrange the meet and (hopefully) greet. Do the introductions from a distance at first—your toddler in your arms, the dog held securely by its master. Wave to the dog, talk to it and about it by name, and encourage your child to do the same. If he seems nervous, try to reassure him. Make a point of asking the owner for permission before moving forward, even if you know you have it.
Give him space and time. If he doesn’t seem ready to make contact during the first visit, schedule these not-too-close encounters until he warms up. As his comfort level increases, decrease the distance between him and the dog until he’s finally near enough to touch it (but keep him in your arms at first to give him a sense of security and a height advantage). Don’t force him, or even urge him, to pet the dog at this point. Instead, pet the dog yourself. Say “See, I’m petting the nice doggy. He’s so soft. Do you want to pet the doggy, too?” If he shows interest, have him pet the dog as you hold his hand and show him how to stroke fur gently. If he refuses, let him know “That’s okay. Maybe next time you’ll pet the doggy.” Give him an opportunity to change his mind each time you visit with the dog—and keep up the visits until he finally summons the courage to reach out and pet his new pal.
With lots of patience, no pushing, and a desensitization process where he sets the pace, your toddler should be able to overcome his fear of dogs eventually—maybe he’ll even become a dog lover.
Since little kids can pick up stress signals from their parents like a white sofa picks up dog hair, he won’t buy your “There’s nothing to be afraid of” line if you’ve got some dog fears of your own. You’ll have to overcome yours before you can help your tot conquer his.
Whether or not they have four-footed siblings at home, toddlers should be petproofed as early on as possible. Teach your toddler the following pet etiquette:
Let sleeping (and eating) dogs (and cats) lie. Don’t touch or go near pets when they’re napping or eating. And never touch their food. Curious fingers can easily be perceived as a threat—even a mellow animal may retaliate.
Never poke an animal’s eyes, pull its tail, or tug on its ears. Always pet with palms down and fingers curled inward. (Show your toddler how to do this.) Avoid holding its paws and don’t pat a dog on the head—it implies domination. Instead, pet gently under the chin.
Always ask the owner before you pet or touch any animal.
Never go near any pet you don’t know, especially one that’s not on a leash, unless there’s a grown-up with you. Same goes for members of the wild animal kingdom, such as squirrels, raccoons, and birds.
Stay away from dogs or cats when they’re fighting.
Stay away from a mommy dog or cat who is with her babies. She’ll fight to protect her offspring.
Always move slowly when you approach an animal. Don’t run toward an animal or ride a riding toy up to an animal. It can get scared by sudden movements, including jumping.
Never put your face near a dog’s face. (Because toddlers are small, they are most likely to be bitten in danger areas—face, head, and neck.) The same goes for cats (since a feline’s teeth and claws can do a lot of harm to tender young skin, too).
“Not only isn’t my toddler afraid of dogs, she’s completely fearless, even with animals she’s never met. And that worries me.”
Dogs and toddlers have a lot in common—they’re frisky, exuberant, volatile, impulsive, unpredictable, cute, and often hard to control. Put them together and you’ve got the stuff that Hallmark moments are made of—or a disaster waiting to happen.
To keep her dog-loving ways safe ones, start instilling a little caution now. Whenever she runs up to a strange dog or one you know well enough not to trust, stop her before she gets too close. Without scaring her (you don’t want to turn her from fearless to fearful), calmly explain, “You can pet a dog only if Mommy or Daddy is with you and says it’s okay—and the dog’s owner says it’s okay, too.” Repeat the message every time she encounters a dog. Also begin making your toddler familiar with the pet prescriptions in the box above.
“No matter what we tell him or ask him, our toddler has the same answer: ‘No!’ Sometimes it’s cute... but most of the time it’s frustrating.”
It isn’t always a toddler’s first word, but “no” quickly becomes a favorite word—the one-size-fits-all response to just about everything you’ve got to say. Even when you’ve just said something you’re sure he agrees with, or offered something you’re sure he wants, he’ll respond with a resounding “No!”
Some of this negativity has to do with physiology, especially early on (“no” is less challenging to say than “yes,” shaking that little head side-to-side takes less coordination than shaking it up and down). A lot more of it has to do with psychology. More specifically: mom and pop psychology.
And it’s pretty easy to analyze. “No” is, simply put, one syllable that speaks volumes about your toddler’s emerging identity, his struggle for autonomy. It’s his declaration of independence, primarily from you, his parents, and it states: “I am my own little person. I may only be 2½ feet tall, but I’m the boss of me, and whenever possible, the boss of you, too. I’m nobody’s baby (unless, of course, I need a cuddle... or a drink of milk... or a toy from a shelf I can’t reach).”
Maybe your toddler’s negativity will be halfhearted and short-lived... but more likely, not. For most 1- to 2-year-olds, negativity is just getting rolling. As he picks up negative steam—and sharpens that trademark toddler stubborn streak—you can probably expect your little naysayer to say “no” more often and mean it more consistently (though he may continue to say “no” when he means “yes,” just for negative effect). He’ll say “no” to your limits, “no” to your requests, “no” to your offers, and of course, “no” to your questions. You can expect him to put up more of a fight, too, in that toddler-typical war of the wills (and will nots). Sometimes it’ll be cute, sometimes it’ll be exasperating, but it’ll always be age-appropriate.
Though such negativity is just your toddler being a toddler, you’ll still need to know how to deal with it:
Limit your “nos.” Is your toddler learning “no” from the best—you? Understandably, it’s a word little ones tend to hear a lot—especially before impulse control kicks in, and particularly from their parents. Sure, there are times—plenty of them—when you’ll find that no other word but “no” will do: “No hitting,” “No dumping out your juice,” “No throwing sand,” “No walking outside unless you hold my hand.” But too many “nos” may dilute their effectiveness, as well as your authority-even egging your toddler on, when what you’re really trying to do is head him off at the pass (to the remote control... to the dishwasher... to the stagnant pool of park water). What’s more, it can threaten his brand new sense of self and step up negativity (which means the more times your toddler hears “no,” the more you may hear it). So say “no” when you need to, by all means, but try to avoid playing it on a loop.
Be careful what you ask for. When you’d rather not take “no” for an answer, be crafty with your questions. Instead of asking “Do you want to put your sweater on?” or even saying “Let’s put your sweater on,” offer up a choice: “Do you want to wear the sweater with the bear on it or the sweater with the stripes?” Hold them up, and your toddler may actually point to his sweater of choice. Instead of “It’s time to wash hands for dinner,” try “Where do you want to wash your hands, in the kitchen or the bathroom?” Realistically, your toddler may sometimes answer even multiple-choice questions with “no”—or with a stubborn shake of his head. But it may also surprise you, now and again, how a little power in your toddler’s hands can take some of the power struggle off yours. Just make sure you offer that power only when it’s appropriate—and that choice only when it’s available. When there is no choice, don’t offer one. Asking “Do you want to go home now or go down the slide again?” when going home is the only option is asking for trouble (and a “No!”). A better exit strategy: “It’s time to go home now. When we get home, should we draw a picture or play with your cars?” Stay away from other hot-button questions that have non-negotiable answers, too, like “Do you want to get ready for bed?”
No giggling. Of course, a sense of humor can help keep you sane on those days when your toddler’s testing your limits—and trying your patience. Plus, keeping a straight face in the face of toddler cuteness is never easy, so an occasional giggle is understandable. But always cracking up at your toddler’s negative antics can backfire: first, by annoying him (nobody likes being laughed at when they’re trying to make a serious point); second, by reinforcing the negativity (“Mom and Dad giggle when I say ‘no.’ This behavior’s a keeper!”).
Be the boss, but don’t be bossy. You’re the parent; you’re the boss. And now that this important point is cleared up, here’s the “but”: But, good bosses try not to be bossy. In charge, for sure, in control, without a doubt—but not bossy. As you go about parenting your toddler, the good-boss model (hopefully you’ve had one or two along the way) is the one you should try to emulate when you can. You may elicit less negativity if you engage your toddler in cooperating, instead of commanding cooperation. So instead of “It’s time for bed. No more playing,” try “Let’s get ready for bed. Can you help me find the bedtime book?”
Cool it. Another trait that good bosses have in common: the ability to stay calm, even when things take a turn for the tense—which, in turn, keeps everyone else in the workplace from losing it. The toddler application: Your toddler’s negative, you’re calm, your toddler eventually calms down, too, and everyone’s happier sooner. Obviously, toddlers being toddlers, a calm approach won’t always turn a negative into a positive—but it’ll definitely have a better chance of working than the bad-boss model (boss loses it, whole team loses it, nothing gets done, everyone’s mad).
Stay positive. Negativity won’t last forever, no matter what. And all other things being equal (some toddlers—like some adults—are just more naturally negative, or more naturally high strung, or more naturally stubborn), the worst of it will pass more quickly if you stay positive. Reinforce your toddler’s cooperative behavior instead of highlighting the not-so-cooperative and you’ll gradually see more of the former and less of the latter.
“My toddler loves to say the word ‘no,’ just not to comply with it when I say it. What should I do?”
You probably like to get your way—everybody does. But by this point in your life, you’ve also come to terms with the fact that you won’t always get your way. That you’ll win some, you’ll lose some.
It almost goes without saying that this particular reality check hasn’t checked in with your toddler yet. To your little one—with her very small perspective but her very oversize ego—her way is still the only way. At least, the only way that matters. Which is why saying “no” isn’t a problem for her, but accepting “no” is.
Testing authority is part of gaining autonomy, which is to say it’s part of growing up. It’s normal and age-appropriate. And for you, the parent (and to a lesser extent, other authority figures in your toddler’s life), it’s frequently frustrating.
To help your toddler learn (eventually) to take “no” as well as she dishes it out:
Avoid “no” overload. Too many nos can easily lead to toddler tune-out. So try to find a happy balance, saving “no” for when you mean it, saying “yes” when there’s no compelling reason not to. You can avoid some nos with thorough childproofing—put a lock on the garbage can, say, and you won’t always be warning her to stay out of it.
Expect the best. Anticipate a misdeed and that’s what you’re guaranteed to get. Even if your toddler is clearly making a beeline for your laptop, wait until those chubby little fingers have made contact with the forbidden buttons before you say “No touching the computer.” Who knows—maybe she’ll get distracted by a dropped toy and never wind up touching the computer at all... which means you’ll save yourself (and your little one) an unnecessary “no.” Or she’ll end up touching it, and you’ll end up saying “no”—but not before the misdeed has actually been done (for your toddler to become trustworthy one day, she’ll have to know she’s worthy of trust). Maybe she’ll try to touch the buttons again and again, but she’ll be less likely to push them just to push your buttons. Of course, if she’s on her way to something dangerous, redirecting her up front isn’t only a good idea, it’s the best idea.
Pull a switch. Turn lose-lose situations into win-wins by following up a necessary “no” with a satisfying “yes.” She goes for your book, so you say “No, you can’t play with Mommy’s book. But, yes, you can look at yours.” Quickly put away your book, substitute hers, and everybody’s a winner.
Be a spin doctor. The prescription for getting a more cooperative toddler? A more positive parent. “Please stay on the sidewalk” is somewhat more likely to cash in on compliance than “No walking in the mud!” Spin it positively with a side of distraction, and the odds of her turning in and cooperating increase exponentially: “Let’s stay together on the sidewalk. We can look for birds. There’s a bird!” Asking for help invites compliance, too. So next time she dumps your papers on the floor, try “Mommy’s papers need to stay on Mommy’s desk. Please help Mommy pick them up and put them back.”
Mean it when you say it. If “no” is ever going to mean something to your toddler, she has to know it means something to you. When you see her dipping into the dog bowl, “No eating Darwin’s food, please” is a good place to start. But you’re not finished without a thorough follow-through. If you turn right back to stirring the pasta sauce, she’s more likely to tune you out—not only this time, but next time. Instead, put down what you’re doing, remove the dog bowl along with another “No eating Darwin’s food” to reinforce your point, then distract your toddler promptly. Do it calmly, matter-of-factly, without anger, pleading, or giggling, and your “no”—and your authority—automatically have more credibility, and possibly, better results.
Keep it short. Sometimes, kids don’t listen to their parents in self-defense. If you have a tendency to drone on and on, that’s just another excuse for your toddler to tune out your directives. So offer an explanation but keep it short and sweet. Knowing that there’s a reason for rules makes rules easier to follow, eventually, but remember that easy does it. “If you wash your hands, you won’t get sand on your cheese stick” is easier to swallow than “No hand washing, no cheese stick!” But you’ll lose your toddler with a 10-minute explanation about germs, sand, a cheese stick that tastes bad, sand that gets in your teeth... and so on... and so on. When there’s no time for an explanation, or you’re just not in the mood, or you’re pretty sure your toddler won’t understand anyway, it’s fine to pull out the timeless “those are the rules,” “because I said so,” or “no means no.”
Commend compliance. Your toddler backed away from the hot stovetop without a second—or third—“no”? Time to bring out the positive reinforcements: “Good job!”
“My son’s constant whining is driving me nuts. I usually end up giving in to everything he whines for just so he’ll stop.”
Forget a dripping faucet, fingernails on a blackboard, or squeaky brakes. A young child’s whining (which is really a kind of low-grade crying) tops the list of irritating sounds—and whining can get under a parent’s skin faster and more effectively than any other behavior. A tantrum? At least that erupts and subsides. Whining is steady, unrelenting, nerve grating, maddening.
What brings on the whine? Tiredness, hunger, boredom, over—stimulation, frustration, lack of attention—to name a few triggers. There’s no sure cure for whining, but it’s sometimes possible to prevent an attack or to deal with it more effectively when all fails and whining begins (it’s bound to happen):
Pay attention. Toddlers often whine after they’ve tried and failed at other ways of attracting attention. So no matter how busy you are, or how many tasks you’re juggling, listen when your toddler talks to you and try not to take too long to respond when he asks for your help (you’re good at multitasking... right?). If possible, take a few moments to read a story, work a puzzle together, or just sit quietly and cuddle.
Eliminate triggers. He’s hungry? Feed him. He’s got a poopy diaper? Change him. Tired? Nap him. Bored? Involve him in an activity before the whining begins. If he seems generally out of sorts, consider that he may be coming down with something or might simply need some extra attention or comfort, so bring it on. Sometimes all it’ll take is a quick cuddle or a back rub to relax your toddler out of a whiny mood (and as a bonus, it may make you feel better, too).
Fend off frustrations. Some frustration is a necessary part of learning new skills (and for that matter, of life). But too much frustration can bring on the whine. Make sure you aren’t pushing your toddler to perform beyond his skill set or giving him toys that are not age-appropriate. When you see your toddler becoming overly frustrated, offer a helping hand.
Distact. Distraction—that all-purpose parental ploy—can allow a toddler to stop whining without losing face. He’s whining for a toy you’ve passed at the market? Overlook the request and say “Let’s get home fast so we can make a picture for Grandma!” Hopefully, the diversion you create will take your toddler’s mind off the toy and switch off his whining.
Get silly. Injecting a little silliness can sometimes switch off the whining. You could pretend, for instance, not to know where the whining is coming from (“Do you hear that squeaky sound? Where do you think it’s coming from?”). Proceed to check under the couch, behind the television, and in the closet before stumbling upon the source of the squeak (your toddler’s mouth, of course). If that hasn’t stopped the whining and started the giggling, offer to “fix that squeak” (blowing raspberries on the belly usually does the trick). For older toddlers and preschoolers, a dose of good-natured reverse psychology may also reverse the whining process (“I don’t think you’re whining enough. I think you’d better whine more”). If your tyke becomes more upset at the slightest hint of teasing, though, skip this one and try another tactic.
Don’t give in. When your toddler starts to whine, matter-of-factly, make it clear that it won’t get him anywhere—you’ll listen only if he uses his “regular” voice. Then avoid eye contact and don’t respond to the whines (hang tough, Mom and Dad). If your tot changes to his regular voice, try to satisfy his request or offer options: “I can’t give you a cookie now, but you can have a banana or some grapes.” If the whining continues (and even if it threatens your sanity), don’t buckle. Giving in after 20 minutes of incessant whining teaches your toddler that persistence is the key to successful whining—that if he simply whines long enough, he’ll always get what he wants.
Get him talking. If your tot is verbal enough, encourage words instead of whining: “I know you’re upset about something. Let’s see if I can help you say what it is.”
Provide voice lessons. Children often don’t realize the negative effect of whining on other people until they hear it for themselves. Point out when another child is whining—your toddler may agree that the noise is hard to take. Reinforce by explaining, “Whining hurts my ears—ouch!” With that realization fresh in his mind, make a game out of practicing your regular voices together—and then don’t forget to reinforce how much better a regular voice sounds: “I like when you talk in your regular voice. It makes my ears happy!”
Avoid labels. Don’t label your child a “whiner”—children are notorious for living up to parental expectations.
“I know that my daughter is too young to reason with, but her unreasonableness makes it really hard to get her to cooperate.”
It’s definitely hard to see it from your rational adult perspective, but your toddler actually has good reasons for being unreasonable. The most obvious reason, of course, is that she’s a typical toddler, struggling for independence. She wants to make her own decisions, even if they’re clearly (to you and the rest of the reasonable world) wrong. Why doesn’t she know they’re wrong? Because she hasn’t yet acquired reasoning skills—and that’s reason number two. No coat on a cold day? She’s not yet able to anticipate consequences (“If I don’t wear a coat, I’ll be cold”) and weigh them against her whims. Need more reasons? Being hungry, tired, frustrated, overstimulated, or feeling out of sorts can all trigger or step up unreasonableness. (Think about it: You’re not at your most rational, either, when your blood sugar’s plummeting or you’re running on too little sleep.)
Reasoning with your unreasonable toddler is not realistic. Neither is arguing your point (arguing with a toddler will get you nowhere, even when she’s at her most rational) or opening the floor up to debate (ditto). Instead, try these techniques:
Let cause have its effect. The best way to learn consequences is to experience them firsthand. It’s called learning from mistakes—and it’s particularly valuable when you’ve got so much to learn. So when the consequence of an unreasonable choice won’t do anyone (or anything) any harm, let her live with it and maybe even learn from it: When she doesn’t put her boots on, she can’t play in the snow; when she throws her cracker in the mud, she can’t eat it. It’ll take plenty of trial and error (and tears) on her part, but eventually she’ll begin to realize that parents sometimes have a point—and there’s a reason for reason.
Hold the “I told you so"s. It may be tempting, after your toddler has disobeyed the injunction not to step in puddles, to rub her nose in her wet sneakers—figuratively, at least. Resist that temptation. The consequence—cold, wet feet—is punishment enough for her faulty judgment, and she doesn’t need your insults added to her injury. Instead, underline the lesson matter-of-factly: “Oops, wet feet. That’s why we don’t step in puddles without boots on.”
Don’t let irrationality rule when it comes to rules. If your toddler refuses to get into the car seat, and your efforts to cajole, distract, or humor haven’t helped, you’ll have to strap her in kicking and screaming. Likewise, if she tries to unshelve all the books at the library, her whim will need shelving.
Try a little mom or dad magic. You probably already have a stash of distraction tricks up your parental sleeve—pull some out and see if you can work some magic. Try a change of activity, a silly incongruity (the old boots-on-the-hands routine), reverse psychology, an ad-lib song, or a little fast-talking (“Do you know what we’re doing after lunch today?”).
Treat with food or rest. If it’s been a while since her last meal or snack—or since her last nap—it could be hunger or tiredness inciting her irrational behavior. So give her a snack if she’s hungry, or pack her in for a nap if she’s sleepy. And while you’re at it, make sure that you’ve had something to eat recently, too—unreasonable toddlers are less exasperating to deal with when you’re not cranky with hunger yourself.
Laugh it off inside. Instead of letting your toddler’s irrational behavior drive you up a wall, look for the humor (and the cuteness) in it. Remember, she’s just acting her age. Of course, keep your smiles undercover—even a tiny tot knows when she’s not being taken seriously.
“No matter what it is, my toddler has to have it ‘now!’ I’m losing my patience with his impatience.”
With no understanding of how time passes, no concept of past or future, your toddler lives for the moment—in other words, for “now.” “Now” is when he wants a snack or a drink, when he wants a story read, when he wants to go on the swings (even though they’re all occupied). He hasn’t yet learned that good things come to those who wait. To him, good things come to those who demand immediate delivery.
It isn’t until around the second birthday that the typical toddler begins to realize that there are times besides the present—and at that point, he’ll be able (if not always willing) to comply when asked to “wait a minute.” For now, you’ll be hearing a lot of “now.”
Be patient while you wait for your toddler to develop patience. To make that wait easier on you, you can try the following:
Make sure it’s worth making him wait. Sure, on principle you’d like your toddler to wait for something he’s asked for (“he’s got to learn to be patient”), but it’s not always fair or reasonable. Hunger and thirst, for example, are very pressing problems to him that need immediate resolution. If it’s a half hour until dinner and he’s hungry right now, offer a light, nutritious snack that will take the edge off his appetite without zapping it entirely.
Create a diversion. If the wait is legitimate and necessary, try to make the time pass more quickly with entertainment. Say you’re in the car en route home and he wants his lunch “now!” A song, some favorite nursery rhymes, or an impromptu game—like “What does the cow say?” or “Can you see a doggy out the window?”—may buy just enough time to get you home.
Set a timer. If you need five more minutes on the computer before you can take your toddler to the park, set a timer and let him watch it until it dings. Or turn over a sand-filled egg timer and let him watch the sand sift through. This will give him some sense of control over you and over time, while making a very abstract concept a little more concrete. Just make sure that when the timer goes off or the sand’s all sifted through, you’ll be ready to keep your part of the bargain. Otherwise, he won’t trust your deals in the future.
Move it. If you can’t get it out of mind, get it out of sight. If your toddler wants something he can’t or shouldn’t have now (the riding toy on which he wants to scoot across your just-mopped, still-wet kitchen floor), physically separate him from it and stow it someplace where he can’t see it (like in the garage or spare bedroom).
Be willing to wait yourself. If you think about it, your toddler probably spends a lot of time being rushed (“Hurry up—we’re late!”). Be a little more patient with him when you can (give him two more minutes to finish his project in the sandbox, an extra five minutes to dawdle on the sidewalk before rushing him along), and who knows? Maybe your patience will rub off on him... in time.
“Every time the phone rings or the doorbell rings, it’s like a signal for my son to start whining for attention.”
Toddlers, you might have noticed, don’t like to share. And that doesn’t just go for toys—it goes for attention, too, particularly yours. Anything or anyone that competes for your attention, from the phone conversation you’re trying to have to the work you’re trying to do, is not okay in his book (and speaking of books, Dad, don’t even think about picking up that one unless you plan on reading it to me!). He’ll fight for your attention with everything he’s got, and as you’ve seen, he’s got quite an effective arsenal (whining, carrying on, clinging to your leg like a baby chimp).
In your toddler’s magical world, Mommy and Daddy would never be otherwise occupied. In the real world, there will be times when your attention can’t be on-demand. To keep those worlds from colliding:
Don’t give him any ideas. Anticipate a cry for attention before he’s issued one, and you’re sure to get it, in spades. Skip the warnings (“Now, don’t cry while I’m on the phone!”), and instead just calmly go about your business. It’s possible he won’t even notice you’ve answered the phone.
Don’t blow a fuse. Understand (and try to remember during times of stress) that your toddler’s need for attention is age-appropriate, and that he’ll respond better to empathy than to anger. As always, keeping your cool will help your toddler keep his.
Multitask. Staying in touch with your toddler as you chat on the phone or answer e-mail will help him feel less cut off, and may also take some of the edge off his phone or computer envy. Let him know you’re still there for him, even though you’re busy with something else. Rub his arm or shoulder, cuddle him, bounce him on your lap, hold his hand, or get down on the floor and stack blocks with him. Granted, it’s hard to concentrate on a conversation when you’re being whisked from the blocks to the trucks, but that’s better than no conversation at all.
Put him on the line. If you’re on the phone with a friend or family member, invite your toddler to join in the conversation, either by handing him the phone or putting him on speaker. Granted, he’ll have no idea where the disembodied voice is coming from (that’s not Aunt Olivia!), and he probably won’t know how to respond, but at least you’ll have somewhat demystified the competition. If he pushes the phone away, don’t press him. You can also allow him to “type” a few of his own e-mails if it’s your screen time he’s not happy about (obviously, make sure he’s not online, or he may send who-knows-what to who-knows-who).
Add another line. Having his own play phone or computer may make your toddler feel less threatened by yours—plus it’ll capitalize on his budding love of imitation. When you have to use your phone or computer, hand him his and suggest he call or send a message to someone special—Grandpa, his cousin, someone in his playgroup, a favorite storybook character. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t speak many words yet—carrying on a one-sided babble or typing a pretend message may keep him happily occupied, at least for a few minutes.
Call in the positive reinforcements. Ultimately, of course, your goal is to get your toddler to recognize that you have rights, too—among them, the right to talk on the phone or pay bills or answer texts, if only for brief sessions at a time. The best way to work toward that goal is to share your appreciation when he shares your attention. Add a bonus, too: “Thank you for letting me talk on the phone. Now we can do something special together.”
“Whenever I’m trying to talk to someone, whether it’s a friend I’ve run into or a repairman at the house, my daughter starts screaming for attention.”
Most toddlers not only demand center stage, they also prefer that the rest of the stage be empty. When you focus on someone besides your little one—whether it’s a friend or relative you’d like to chat with or a plumber you need to show the leaky sink to—she’ll do everything in her power to regain the spotlight of your attention. Among the many tricks in her repertoire, she may glue herself to your leg and turn on the whine, crawl all over your lap and pull your hair, screech and scream, or even clamp her hand over your mouth to keep you from speaking to someone else.
At this age, when a toddler’s own wants and needs are the only wants and needs that matter to her, it’s particularly difficult to teach her to respect the wants and needs of others. But while respect is a lesson that may take years to learn, there’s no time like the present to start teaching it. With a lot of patience, understanding, careful choreography—and the following tips—your toddler and your visitors may come to share the stage successfully, at least sometimes:
Try not to interrupt her. You can’t focus on your toddler all the time, and it’s important for your sanity and her development that you not try to. But for her to learn how to respect your time with others, she’ll need to see that you respect her time with you. So try (whenever possible, and obviously it won’t always be) not to interrupt playtime with her to take care of something you can just as easily put off until she’s independently occupied or asleep. Instead of popping up every 30 seconds to check the laundry or update your Facebook status, try to provide your undivided attention. When a chore can’t be put off, try involving your toddler, too (let her stack cans on the kitchen floor while you start dinner, have her doodle in her notebook while you return a text). If someone drops by while you and your child are at play, invite your guest to join the fun for a minute or two before you switch focus.
Time the entrance. If you can, try to schedule visitors to arrive during your toddler’s usual naptime. If you can’t, at least aim for a time of day when she’s generally most cheerful.
Bring her on stage. If she’s comfortable being sociable (don’t push her if she’s not), getting her involved may help her feel less left out. Ask her to show her favorite book or doll to your friend. Take her along to “help” show the plumber the leaky faucet and let her watch the plumber open the pipes under the sink. If you’re expecting a special visitor, your tot can help prep. Clean up the living room together, bake or shop for cookies, and decorate with pictures in honor of the visit (her ego will get a boost when her artwork is admired).
Provide special props. If you’re having company, set up a special play area so she can be entertained while you’re entertaining. Pile up some picture books and blocks, tape a piece of paper to the coffee table so she can scribble with crayons or markers. If she likes pretend play, make arrangements for her own tea party so she’s more likely to keep out of yours. Or appoint her “cleaner-upper” and equip her with a feather duster and a play broom while you chat. Just be prepared to stop every now and then to encourage her on her block tower, compliment her on her doodle, have a “sip” of her tea, or admire her dusting job.
Break for intermissions. There’s only so long you can realistically expect your toddler to stay independently busy (and happy). Once it’s clear she’s about to reach her limit, excuse yourself from your company and take a toddler break. Make it clear what the limits of the intermission are before you begin (“Now I’m going to take a break and read you one book. When I’m done, I’ll go back to my friend and you can do a puzzle”). When the break’s over, set your toddler up with that puzzle or another activity before returning to your guest. Make time for physical contact, too. If she’s playing at your feet, lean over frequently to squeeze her shoulder, rub her back, or pat her head.
Remember who’s running the show. That would be you. Problem is, that’s not how your toddler sees it from where she’s sitting (and tugging on your leg). Help her see the light. Be understanding, be empathetic, be friendly, be calm, but be firm. Distract her, involve her, hold her, cuddle her, matter-of-factly remove her hands from your mouth as many times as you have to—but don’t let her think that making a scene steals the show.
Applaud cooperation. Even if your toddler was only marginally cooperative while company called or you chatted with that friend (she whined just 75 percent of the time), reinforce that little bit of positive behavior instead of calling attention to that whole lot of negative behavior (“I like the way you played nicely when I was talking to Jessica. Now you and I are going to do something special together!”). A trip to the park, an uninterrupted period of play with you, a collaborative art activity are all good ways of letting your toddler know how much you appreciated her patience, and how much patience can pay off. Of course, if she did whine 100 percent of the time, hold your applause—but skip the commentary. Just reinforce the behavior you’d like to see in the future (“Next time I talk to my friend, you’ll play nicely”).
“Our toddler hates riding in the car seat. Whenever we put him in it, he arches his back so that it’s almost impossible to buckle him in.”
When you’re born to be wild (and isn’t every toddler?), being buckled into a car seat can really cramp your style—not to mention your sense of adventure. That’s why most toddlers aren’t easy riders. Still, whether you and your toddler are heading out on the highway or driving around the corner, buckling up is a must. Not only is the car seat required by law in all 50 states, it can also make the difference between life and death in even a minor crash (see page 432 for more on car seat safety).
Clearly, in the battle of the buckle, you must come out the winner—no ifs, ands, buts, or negotiations possible. The following strategies should make winning that battle easier on you both:
Do a comfort check. If the car seat straps are too tight, the plastic is sticky, the padding is inadequate, or the seat is cramped, your tot may be protesting because he’s uncomfortable. Correcting these problems may help change his tune.
Divert and conquer. Instead of starting out with “Now we have to buckle you into your car seat,” words that will quickly incite a struggle, distract your toddler with casual chatter (“Look at the snow—see how pretty it is,” “Let’s go to Meghan’s house this afternoon,” “We’re going to have such a yummy lunch when we get home”). Or challenge him with questions (“What does the doggy say?” “Where’s your nose?”) as you quickly carry out the dastardly deed. Try a silly made-up song or rhyme that your toddler can begin to associate with being strapped in: “Let’s buckle our belly and eat all our jelly!” Whether these ploys actually make him forget what’s happening or simply allow him a graceful way out of having to make a fuss doesn’t matter as long as they work. And they may, at least some of the time.
Add some music, maestro. Always have a supply of engaging children’s tunes ready to soothe your toddler once he’s been strapped in.
Strap in some entertainment. Diversion doesn’t always work, but it’s always worth a try. Have a few favorite toys at the ready to distract your child and occupy both his mind and his hands. Keep a rotating selection of toys that can be snapped, Velcroed, or tied (with plastic rings or a ribbon or cord no longer than 6 inches) to his car seat.
Let him buckle up his “baby.” If there are enough seat belts to go around, let your toddler help buckle in a teddy bear, a doll, or a favorite toy before he gets into his car seat. Or, use a makeshift belt to tie the doll to your toddler’s seat. Explain that safety belts are meant to keep his toys from falling out or getting hurt—and that’s why people need to buckle up, too.
Buckle up together. The buckle-up rule should apply to everyone in your car, including the driver—in the interest not only of following the law and setting the right example, but also of safety.
Know how to fold him. A rigid, arching back can definitely stand in the way of getting him seated. To loosen him up so you can settle him in, tickle his belly, blow a raspberry on it, or be a kissing monster attacking his midsection—he won’t be able to help folding.
Allow no exceptions. Even one “Okay, no car seat just for today” could be a tragic mistake. And surrendering once could undermine your authority on the issue, raising the hope in your child’s mind that you can be persuaded to surrender again... and again. As every experienced parent knows, this is a tactical error.
“I can’t get my daughter into the stroller without a fuss, and since I live in a city, that’s the only way we get around.”
Put yourself in your toddler’s sneakers, and you’ll see why she fights being put in the stroller. For someone who’s just discovered the joys of life on two feet, having to sit it out is, after all, one of life’s biggest bummers. Especially when everybody else on the sidewalk is walking.
Of course, understanding your toddler’s perspective on the stroller won’t get the grocery shopping done. Or the dry cleaning dropped off. For that, you’ll need your toddler in the stroller—at least part of the time. To increase cooperation, it’s worth trying the following tips. But ultimately, it’s also worth accepting one of the realities of life with a toddler: Getting there is rarely twice the fun, but it generally does take twice the time.
Make sure the stroller’s fully loaded. Bring along and attach to the stroller a rotating supply of playthings designed specifically for the stroller (if you use a ribbon or cord, make sure it’s no more than 6 inches long; better still, use plastic links).
Many toddlers resist being cooped up in a stroller—that is, unless Mom or Dad has asked them to walk instead.
Be distracting. From the moment you approach the stroller, engage your toddler in a song, a conversation, or with a toy—she may be buckled in before she knows it. Strolling along, point out dogs, pretty flowers, displays in store windows, cement mixers, and tow trucks. Chat about where you’re going and what you’re going to be doing. Break into a rousing chorus of “The wheels of the stroller go round and round.” Keep the distractions coming, and you may (at least sometimes) keep your toddler from complaining.
Empathize. When your toddler starts grumbling “No stroller!” or, once in, yells “Get out!” be understanding. Respond with “I know you don’t want to ride in the stroller, but we don’t have time for you to walk right now.” Then dangle a carrot to (hopefully) keep her satisfied: “You can walk when we get near the house (or the store, or the playground).”
Try a raspberry. Is she stiffening up on you when you try to sit her down in the stroller? Arching her back? Try blowing a big raspberry on her belly—it’ll reflexively collapse her rigid stance so you can ease her into the seat. Hopefully it’ll put a smile on her face, too.
Be cool. It’s a law of toddler nature: The more it seems to mean to you, the more your child will fight you on it. So try to come across unruffled by your toddler’s stroller struggles.
Let her walk. When it comes to car seats, there’s no negotiating—not buckling up is not an option. But when it comes to strollers, there’s usually more wiggle room. If it’s feasible and practical (even if it means leaving a little earlier or arriving a little later), let your toddler walk. Having her “help” you push the stroller (assuming she’ll let you share the job) can keep her in step with you, as will holding hands. Let her walk as long as her little legs hold out; if she gets tired enough, she may even ask longingly for that stroller.
“My son doesn’t want to ride in the stroller anymore—he only wants to push it. This wouldn’t be so bad, except that he pushes it into everyone and everything. When I try to take it away from him, he has a screaming fit. What can I do?”
The drive to gain control propels a toddler—whether it’s control over what’s served for breakfast, over when he goes to bed, or over who gets to steer his stroller. In the latter case, this drive can propel him (and the stroller) into the heels of a pedestrian, the trunk of a tree, the dairy case at the supermarket, the flower bed in the park—annoying, destroying, and potentially putting himself at risk.
FOR PARENTS
Shopping with Toddlers: Mission Impossible?
Remember when running to the supermarket actually meant sprinting in and then out with what you needed in 10 minutes or less? When the greatest challenge posed by a mall excursion was finding a dressing room that wasn’t occupied (and a pair of jeans that actually fit)? Well, having a toddler certainly signals the end of shopping as you knew it. If a toddler isn’t disappearing down the frozen-food aisle, he’s trying to knock over a carefully stacked display of cereal boxes. If she isn’t vanishing behind a sale rack, she’s trying to go up the down escalator. If he isn’t loudly demanding that you buy a treat or toy he’s just spied on the shelf, he’s throwing a full-blown tantrum in front of a sea of strangers. If she isn’t hungry (“right now!”), she’s thirsty (“right now!”), and if she isn’t either, she’s pooped in her diaper (and you forgot to bring a spare).
Yet shop you must. Following these tips won’t make the process entirely painless, stress free, or a logistical piece of cake, but they may help you get the job done:
Shop solo. Unless a fitting is necessary (as it is with shoes), even shopping for toddler clothing is better accomplished without the toddler. Seize the opportunity to shop whenever there’s someone else around to stay with your little one. Or organize a babysitting/shopping co-op with a friend who has a toddler, so you can take turns getting shopping done. Or alternate shopping duty with your spouse—one of you stays home with your toddler, and the other goes off to the store. Or, don’t leave home at all: Do all your shopping (from groceries to clothes to diapers) online.
Put timing on your side. There’s no predicting toddler behavior, but there’s no point in writing a script for disaster (suggested title: “Mayhem at the Mall”) by taking your little one to the store hungry, due for a nap, or overstimulated. Time your shopping trips accordingly.
Don’t go it alone. Even a tween who isn’t old enough to babysit alone can do a good job of looking after and entertaining your toddler while you shop.
Put it on paper. Before leaving home, make a detailed shopping list. Not only can this dramatically cut down on your actual shopping time, but it can eliminate the last-minute dash during checkout for the carton of eggs you forgot—as well as an extra trip to the market when you forgot the eggs entirely. Plus, it can help you say “no” to toddler-generated impulse buys (“I’m sorry, but those chips are not on my list”).
Spin it. Use a positive approach when telling your toddler about the behavior you expect. For example, before going through the automatic doors at the supermarket, say “You’re going to ride in the shopping cart. You can help me find the foods on our list and put them in the cart,” not “You can’t walk around inside, and no touching anything!” And don’t forget to give positive reinforcement when your shopping companion has exercised even a modicum of cooperation.
Provide transportation. You may be able to cut your shopping time if you can persuade your toddler to ride in the shopping cart (strapped in for safety) at the supermarket rather than toddle down the aisles. Some markets and malls have specially designed carts with cars or firetrucks for tots to sit in, which may help entice your toddler to climb in for the ride. Others have pint-size shopping carts for tots to fill and push.
Make a run for it. Focus on getting everything you need in as short a time as possible. Leave label reading, comparison shopping, and careful scrutiny of produce for solo trips to the market. Take the time to analyze a unit price, and your toddler could be two aisles away.
Steer clear of trouble. If you know your regular shopping destinations well, it should be fairly easy to circumvent or at least speed by potential hot spots (such as the toy department, the fine china and crystal section, or the cookie aisle). Some supermarkets have a candy-free checkout counter to eliminate (at least in theory) the threat of toddler tantrums.
Put your toddler to work. Idle hands are bound to reach out to pull breakable jars off the shelf, idle heads will think up ways to empty the contents of your purse while you’re distracted. So keep your toddler busy “helping”—carrying a box of favorite crackers, loading (unbreakable) items into the cart, pushing his or her own mini shopping cart, counting out three containers of yogurt, spotting circles, or picking out apples. Though shopping will probably take a little longer with this kind of help, at least you’ll have a shot at getting it done. Plus, your little one will likely love being a “big helper.”
Although in some areas where toddlers crave control, it’s possible to hand it over, it clearly isn’t appropriate in the case of the runaway stroller. Instead:
Leave home without it. Getting around without a stroller may not be easy, but it may be easier than trying to get around with a toddler pushing his own stroller. If necessary, put off walking trips that can’t be accomplished without a stroller, or make these trips using a car or public transportation.
Help him sit it out. If you make riding in the stroller diverting enough (see the previous answer for tips), he may not press so hard to push it.
Push together. If he won’t take “sit” for an answer, offer a compromise alternative: You push the stroller together. Instead of saying “I have to push because you’re not big enough,” emphasize teamwork—he’s helping you and you’re helping him. If he protests (and he probably will), explain matter-of-factly but firmly: “We can push the stroller together, or you can ride in the stroller.”
Let him push something his own size. A child-size stroller or shopping cart is much easier for a toddler to keep on course than a full-size one (and both are wonderful for imaginative play at home, too). And since toy strollers and carts are lighter, they’re less likely to inflict damage when pushed across someone’s toes or into a store display. (Remember that he’ll still need a hand pushing it across the street, for safety’s sake.)
“We have a very active, always busy toddler, and getting him dressed in the morning is like running a marathon. I chase him from room to room trying to get his clothes on him.”
On the plus side, your little one’s helping you get your daily workout (who needs a step class?). On the minus side, too much running around and you’ll be running late by the time both his legs are in his pants.
Running from the hand that dresses him may be your toddler’s way of getting attention when everyone is busy (and maybe stressed-out) preparing for the day. If you think that might be the case, try to work a little “quality time” into the morning schedule—read a story, play a quick game, have breakfast together. Or use one of these special activities as a carrot: “If you hurry up and get dressed, we’ll have time to read your favorite book before we have to leave.”
Is it over-the-top toddler energy that has him on the morning marathon circuit? Try dressing him as soon as he gets out of bed, before he has a chance to kick himself into high gear. Or, if time and patience allow, you could go along with this daily dressing marathon for a while and make a game of it: “Okay, we’ll get your first sock on in the bedroom.... now where do we go to put the other one on?” Your willing participation may take some of the fun out of the chase for your toddler and might even lead him to abandon it. If all else fails, and time is of the essence on busy mornings, simply hold your child down gently but firmly and calmly dress him.
“Our toddler struggles with us every morning when we try to get her dressed. It’s such an ordeal that we’d leave her in pajamas all day if we didn’t have to get her to day care.”
By now, you may have noticed a recurring theme in typical toddler behavior: You (the parent) want her to submit, she (the toddler) wants to resist. Getting dressed is a common source of conflict—after all, it requires a whole lot of submission—and since it has to be repeated daily, it can be especially challenging. But since clothing’s not optional (at day care or anywhere else outside the home), it’s got to get done. One reality: You’ve got to get to work (or to an appointment, or to the store). Another reality: Your toddler is kicking and screaming naked at your feet, rejecting your pleas for cooperation, dodging your every dressing maneuver. What to do? Try these tips on for size:
Start while she’s sleepy. Try to get her dressed as soon as she’s up, before she’s even rubbed her sleepy eyes—definitely before she starts running around (moving target and all), and absolutely before she eats breakfast (the less energy she has to fight you off, the better).
Begin with a cuddle. A hug before the dressing process can mellow both your moods. If your toddler becomes really overwrought during dressing, have another cuddle to help her calm down.
Tame with a game. To reduce resistance, try making a game out of dressing. “Where are you? I can’t find you!” can often turn a potentially upsetting shirt-over-the-head moment into a gleeful round of peek-a-boo. Likewise, a “What happened to your foot?” or “I can’t find your fingers. Where could they be?” is likely to produce squeals and cooperation rather than tears and opposition.
Try a little humor. Pretend to put her shirt over your head or her shoes on your feet, on her teddy bear, on her ears, or on her hands, then let her correct you—her giggles may get the better of her grumpies.
Try a little reason. Point out to your toddler that everyone wears clothes and shoes—the teachers at daycare, her friends at playgroup, Grandma and Grandpa, cousin Sam, Aunt Jodi, and of course you. Explain, “Without clothes, we could get cold. Without shoes, we could get boo-boos on our feet when we’re outside.” Your reasoning may sail right over her head at first (besides, toddlers aren’t exactly known for their reasoning skills). But in time, your point will be taken, and even accepted.
Change the subject. Instead of focusing on the dreaded dressing, distract her with conversation about what she will be doing in day care or her playdate in the afternoon, or about the rain outside the window. Or keep her busy with a special dressing song or a small toy. Keep in mind that distraction probably won’t work if her tantrum’s already in full swing, so start distracting before you start dressing.
Let her dress herself. As with everything else, your toddler may be much more amenable to dressing if she can do some of it herself. So do everything you can to make dressing a cinch (it’ll make it easier on you, too). Choose easy-on pants with an elastic waist, help her to step into them, get them pulled up halfway, and then challenge her to pull them up the rest of the way. Shirts will be tricky at this stage of development, but she can probably yank a pullover down once you’ve navigated it over her head. Avoid clothes with a lot of buttons or snaps she can’t manage (do you really want to be messing with those while she’s struggling to get away, anyway?). Provide shoes that are easy-on—she won’t be able to get them on herself, most likely, but she may enjoy sticking the Velcro in place.
Let her dress someone, too. Your toddler may feel less persecuted by the process if she’s allowed to inflict it on someone else. So make the dressing-of-the-doll or teddy bear part of the morning ritual. Chances are she’ll have considerable trouble getting the clothes on the doll herself, but she can get the project started, and you can finish it up (after you’ve dressed her).
Be sensitive to touch-sensitivity. Toddlers can’t usually express discomfort in words, or even figure out what’s making them uncomfortable, so they simply struggle and cry when a scratchy sweater, a stiff pair of jeans, or a too-tight shoe is bothering them. Some toddlers are more touch-sensitive than others, and some are super touch-sensitive. If that seems to describe your toddler, opt for soft, comfortable, loosefitting clothing. Avoid turtlenecks, scratchy wool, stiff synthetics, and starched cotton, and buttons, snaps, seams, or tags that can rub against bare skin. Select soft blends or prewashed cottons (and always wash the clothes a few times before your toddler wears them, to soften them up some more).
Try a lot of patience. Of course you’re stressed and pressed for time. Just try not to let it show. Nothing fuels a toddler tirade like a confrontation with an exasperated parent. Instead, plaster that carefree smile on your face and keep your voice cheerful (yes, even above the screeching). And so that you don’t run out of time or patience (or both), try to get an earlier start tomorrow.
“My daughter never wants to wear what I’ve picked out for her—I seriously didn’t think I’d have to deal with this until she was a teenager.”
Are the wardrobe wars wearing you down... already? Though some little ones choose other battles (and some make everything a battle), there are many who make their stand in the closet. Problem is, you needed her to get dressed (five minutes ago) and she’s lying prone on the floor, shrieking because you selected the pink sweatshirt (how could you?) and she wanted to wear something else (you’re not exactly sure what—but she’s gesturing wildly at it). So how do you deal with a dressing diva?
Let her choose. While giving your daughter complete control over her daily outfit isn’t practical or sensible (she’s liable to select a bathing suit and a pair of sandals on a freezing winter day or a snowsuit and mittens in July), even a little sway can go a long way in preventing dressing disputes. So offer your toddler a chance to choose between two or three outfits (no more, or she’ll be overwhelmed). If she comes up with a wild idea of her own (that bathing suit in January), come up with a compromise when possible (she can wear it under her sweats). To reduce the chances of wrong-for-the-weather choices, pack away out-of-season clothes.
Compliment her choices. Praise your toddler’s selections when they make the suitability cut (she actually opted for a sweater on a blustery day). But avoid critiques of her style sense (or glaring lack of), and don’t worry if her socks and pants clash. She has plenty of time to learn good taste—and let’s face it, your personal style and hers may never match (and neither may her socks and pants). But, don’t worry: The fashion police don’t ticket toddlers.
Take the long view. Look at it this way: You can have clash of the outfits (pink flowered shirt, red striped overalls), or clash with the toddler (complete with tantrum). In that context, is forcing your fashion statement really worth the struggle? Think big picture and you’ll realize that her fashion faux pas are no reflection on her (or on you)—and that her pint-size peers won’t be judging her on these outfits for years to come. As long as her selections are safe (no sandals in the snow) and borderline appropriate (no pajamas to church), let it go—and let her exercise her freedom of clothes choice. Keep your sense of humor, too—now and later. Though the wardrobe wars tend to wane as the preschool years approach, they tend to return—with a vengeance—during adolescence. Remember, this is only a glimpse into the closet of your daughter’s future (“You’re going out like that???”).
Is your toddler’s favorite outfit his or her birthday suit? Many toddlers are happy to bare it all—no matter where they are or who they’re with. What makes letting it all hang out so appealing to little ones? For starters, being naked just plain feels good—allowing the ultimate in freedom of movement. And then there’s the fun in showing off a newly acquired skill—undressing. Shedding their clothes is also a way of asserting control and testing boundaries (a common theme in the second year). By taking off the outfit (or part of the outfit) you painstakingly put on, your little streaker is sending the message: “You might be able to dress me, but you can’t keep me that way!” Finally, toddlers have no inhibitions and no concept of modesty or appropriateness (or what’s public vs. what’s private). Taking off clothes at bath time, or taking off clothes at a playdate—it’s all the same to a toddler.
The more fuss you make about your toddler’s clothing-optional lifestyle, the more appealing it will be. So keep your cool, stifle the giggles, and try these tips instead:
Say yes sometimes. When temperatures and circumstances allow, let your child go bare (but diapered). When clothes must go on (and stay on), try dressing your tot in togs that are a challenge to take off—shirts with small buttons, overalls, pants with a belt.
Tell it like it is. Explain: “You won’t be able to go to the playground if you don’t have clothes on” or “No clothes, no playdate.” Point out that mommy and daddy wear clothes, friends wear clothes, people outside wear clothes, people who come to your home wear clothes.
Provide other undressing opportunities. Give your toddler a doll or stuffed animal with easy-off clothes to strip to his or her heart’s content. And of course, when it’s time to get undressed for the bath, let your toddler go to town.
Is it the diaper that keeps getting yanked off? Since toddler minus diaper can equal pee or poop on the living room rug, you’ll have to step up the stops. Try putting the diaper on backward so your little stripper can’t peel open the tabs. If you’re really desperate, use packing tape or duct tape to secure the diaper.
“My toddler wants to wear the same pair of overalls and T-shirt every single day. Not only is washing them a problem, but they’re getting really ratty and we’re getting really sick of seeing them.”
The same-old-same-old outfit may be boring (and a tad gross) to you—but it’s comforting to your toddler. He likes to know that no matter where his day takes him, his familiar overalls and t-shirt will be along for the ride, representing the security of sameness. The simplest way to deal with a case of clothes monotony: Accept it. Buy duplicates of your toddler’s faves (if you can), wash them a few times so they won’t be noticeably new, and try substituting them for his usual on alternate days. Continue to offer your toddler a different option alongside his old standby, but don’t be surprised if he stands firm with the familiar.
“Every time we try to get shoes on our son, he has a tantrum—he kicks and struggles so that we have to practically pin him down to get them on him.”
Well, of course he does. Having his shoes put on represents just about everything a toddler resents and resists: being confined, being controlled, having done for him what he’d rather do himself, and if he’s touch-sensitive, submitting to restrictive clothing. Add a dose of normal toddler negativity and it’s not surprising that your toddler bucks like a bronco every time you approach him with a pair of shoes. To break out of this daily rodeo routine, try the tips on page 220 and:
Stay away from laces. And high-tops. And buckles. And any shoe that’s tricky to put on. Opt instead for slip-ons, Velcro closures, and other easy-on styles. The exception to this rule: If you have a toddler who likes to take his shoes off anywhere and everywhere, stay away from easy-on styles—they’re also easy-off.
Let him find out the hard way. If your toddler absolutely refuses to wear his shoes, let him venture out in the stroller or car seat in socks—but take his shoes along. When his feet get cold, or he wants to get out and walk, produce the shoes—and matter-of-factly say “Oops, you forgot your shoes! Let’s put them on fast so you can get out and play.” Don’t try this tactic on a bitterly cold day, though.
No shoes needed? No reason to force them on your shoe-averse tot. Though it may not be practical (or safe) to go barefoot in the park, let your toddler go shoeless at home and anywhere else it’s possible. Not only because sparing the shoes spares the conflict, but because feet develop best when they’re bare.
“My toddler seems to have a problem with socks—she complains as soon as I put them on her, and I can’t figure out why.”
Like the heroine of “The Princess and the Pea” (remember, she couldn’t sleep with even the tiniest pea under her stack of mattresses), your toddler is probably touch-sensitive. Anything next to the skin that is not extremely soft and smooth can feel uncomfortable to a touch-sensitive child—whether it’s a pair of hugging arms or a pair of wrinkled socks. Realizing that this sensitivity is something that a toddler can’t control is the first step in helping her cope with it. The second is anticipating and minimizing those articles of clothing that might bother her. Avoid bulky socks that can bunch up inside shoes and socks with thick, rough seams or seams that run across the top of the toes (look for seams that run across the base of the toes instead). Choose soft socks that are smooth-fitting, but aren’t too large (extending beyond the tips of your toddler’s toes) or too snug (leaving red marks or lines on her feet). Be sure to pull up your toddler’s socks so they are completely smooth before putting her shoes on. Choosing socks with fun designs and appliqués may also help (as long as the designs won’t rub her sensitive skin the wrong way).
As soon as your toddler is able to put on her own socks (it’ll be a while), she’ll be able to get them to feel “just right” more easily than you can—plus, by then touch sensitivity will probably ease up. In the meantime, practice patience—and let her go without socks at home (bare is best, anyway).
“I can’t get my daughter into her snowsuit without a struggle, no matter how cold it is.”
When you’ve just started getting the hang of moving around freely, freedom of movement isn’t easy to give up—but that’s what happens to your toddler every time you dress her in a snowsuit or coat. Bundled up in inflexible winter wear that keeps her arms and her legs stiff, your little one becomes maddeningly immobilized—sort of like a turtle on its back. No wonder she struggles.
The problem is, when a snowsuit or coat is necessary, it’s necessary. So how can you get your toddler dressed for winter weather with less of a struggle?
With the right stuff (and stuffing). Some snowsuits make it almost impossible for walkers to make their moves. So next time you buy a cold-weather coat look for one that’s not too bulky, too itchy, too heavy, too tight, or otherwise too restrictive. Choose lighter-weight insulating materials over heavy padding. And when snow wear is absolutely necessary, opt for a two-piece if possible—it’ll give her a tad more flexibility.
With a choice. No, she can’t have a closet full of coats to choose from. But next coat around, look for one that’s reversible. That way, she’ll be able to choose which side she wants to show off on a particular day. And when the weather is mild enough, give your toddler the option of wearing an extra sweatshirt layer over a heavy sweater instead of the coat.
With a challenge. Sometimes, if you’re very lucky, a challenge can make toddler dressing less challenging. Try “Let’s see how fast we can get our coats on!” or kneel down so she can “help” you put on your own coat (after which, you’ll “help” her put on hers).
With distraction. Talking fast (and working even faster), distract your toddler with conversation and/or a few props (a toy, your keys) before approaching with the coat.
With the unexpected. Do something goofy with your toddler’s coat before attempting to put it on her. Put it on yourself (which should look plenty silly) and announce “Okay, I’m ready to go out.” Or drape the coat over her toy dinosaur or the lamp. With any luck, your toddler will find you so amusing that she’ll forget to protest when you help her into the coat. She may even become so possessive of the coat, that she’ll insist you put it on her.
With a little logic. Before your toddler reaches the point of tantrum, try a little reason. If you have a window that offers a view of pedestrians, put your toddler in front of it and point out people passing by: “See how cold it is outside. Look at all the people wearing coats. Brrr. Let’s get our coats so we can go outside!”
When no number of playful ploys convinces your child to put on her coat willingly, you’ll have no choice but to put it on her anyway. Be firm, but understanding (“I know you don’t like to wear a coat, but when it’s cold out, you have to”) and try to stay as cool as the weather you’re about to step out into—if you get fired up, she’ll get fired up. Once the deed is done, quickly distract her (“Let’s hurry outside and find out if we can see our breath today”).
“No sooner do I put a hat and mittens on my son than he yanks them off. This goes on for blocks, and he always ends up the winner.”
Almost every toddler has an on-again-off-again relationship with hats and mittens. Fortunately, though bare fingers and a bare head may make a child feel colder (particularly the bare head, since most body heat escapes via the head), they won’t make him catch a cold—only a virus can do that. And on most days, there’s no need to worry when the hat and mittens come off.
On very cold days, however, when the windchill factor is below 32°F, frostbite is a distinct possibility—which means your little kitten will have to don those mittens (and a hat), and you’ll have to keep replacing them when they come off. You may also want to consider:
Comfort. A hat made of a soft synthetic (such as fleece) instead of something scratchy (such as wool) may be more appealing, as might a roomy hood (it won’t be as confining as a tight knit hat). A hood-type hat that slips over the head, covers the neck and chin, doesn’t need tying, and eliminates the need for a scarf can also be a winner. Knit gloves, because they’re less bulky and allow more hand movement, may be more acceptable to your toddler than bulky mittens—plus, a little tougher to yank off. The downside: They’re not as warm.
Fun. Try a hat with a fun shape (with puppy ears, for instance). Likewise, mittens shaped like animal puppets (show your child how his hands can chat and play with each other) or adorned with sparkly stars, favorite characters, or emblems may do the trick.
Perseverance and patience. If it’s not too cold, don’t push the hat and mittens. If it is, let your toddler know that they have to be worn—even if you have to replace them every time he pulls them off. Avoid making it a game or a source of attention (you know how toddlers love those) by doing your replacing matter-of-factly and without exasperation or giggles (just a business-like “It’s cold and you have to wear your hat and mittens”). Then try distracting your toddler with a song or by pointing out a squirrel scampering by. Or, if your outing is optional, opt to end it: “No hat, no playground.”