Diagram 11.1: Listening
In order to be able to coach effectively, you not only need a framework for coaching, but also a set of proficiencies. They are as follows:
♦ Trust- and Rapport-Building
♦ Listening
♦ Questioning
♦ Giving feedback
♦ Use of silence
♦ Acknowledgement/Celebration
Trust- and Rapport-Building
Before even attempting to coach a co-worker, there needs to be a certain level of trust and comfort between you and the other party. Otherwise, the conversation will be contrived and superficial.
You will also have another hurdle to overcome—subordinates are generally not enthused with the idea of sitting down and having conversations with their bosses. It reminds them of performance appraisal sessions, which are always stressful.
So how do you reach the point when your people are ready to be coached? It’s a gradual process.
First of all, trust and rapport need to be built. A mutually trusting relationship is the precursor for a fruitful coaching relationship. That’s the subject of our discussion in Chapter 8: “Leadership is a Relationship”.
Listening
Listening is a lost art.1 Somehow, in the course of acquiring a formal education and growing up, we have seemingly forgotten how to listen. It is a global phenomenon. Very commonly, when we are “listening” to another person, countless thoughts are racing through our minds. We are fidgeting and our lips are ready to part. And the moment the other party finishes saying his piece, out comes our rejoinder at the speed of light.
This is not listening. Neither is this a conversation. It is more like a tennis match between two arch-rivals, lobbing volleys at each other.
Thousands of years ago, people in China discovered the secrets of real listening. Let’s look at the character for the word “Listening” in the traditional Chinese script.
Diagram 11.1: Listening
To be a good listener, we must first recognize that the most important moment is now. The most important person is the person in our presence. He is the king, so to speak. We will devote full attention to him by silencing all inner chatter. By engaging our ears, eyes and heart, the true meaning of what is being said will become very clear to us.
Questioning
Do recall that when you are coaching, you aren’t playing the role of an expert. As an expert, you tell. When you tell, what is the impact on the person you are coaching? Telling implies that you hold the key, and that you know more than the coachee. You have suddenly thrown a wrench into the mutually respectful and open relationship that you have tried to cultivate. The free exchange of ideas now grounds to a halt. Is that what you want as a coach?
“The manager of the past knew how to tell. The manager of the future knows how to ask.”
— Peter Drucker
By asking questions, you are inviting the other person to explore options for tackling the challenges that he is grappling with. Through showing empathy and patience, the environment is transformed into a safe haven for ideas to flow freely in. It is in this state that the coachee starts to contemplate solutions that previously he would have dismissed outright. Haven’t we had moments when we were relaxed or unguarded, and suddenly an improbable idea sprang to our minds? Such ideas may be the solutions that we are looking for.
Ask open-ended questions as opposed to closed-ended questions. Open-ended questions are expansive and lead to infinite possibilities. They start with: what, why, when, how, where and who. Examples are: What would you like to achieve? Why is this of interest to you? When can we expect it to arrive? How can we overcome this? Where is the bottleneck? Who can we work with?
Closed-ended questions impose limitations on the range of responses. They reduce answers into “either-or” options: yes or no, right or wrong, 1 or 2. When you ask such questions, you are leading the discussions into the narrow end of the funnel. Examples of closed-ended questions are: Do you prefer option 1 or option 2? Is this right or wrong? Do you agree with my suggestion or not?
Giving feedback
In the course of a coaching conversation you may need to give feedback occasionally. It can’t be just an endless series of questions. Otherwise, it becomes very much like an interrogation session.
Feedback may be required for another reason: your coachee is stuck. He can’t see what is holding him back. You can. And you will need to jolt him out of this by saying something direct and forceful to him while still respecting him as a person.
For instance, you may say, “I notice that you are still very hesitant to take actions. What are you concerned about?”
I will have more to say about giving feedback in Chapter 12.
Use of silence
When two old friends come together to drink tea and chat, their conversation is frequently punctuated by bouts of silence. When there is silence, both people remain relaxed and comfortable. When the conversation resumes, new ideas and perspectives emerge, taking their conversation to greater heights.
In coaching or any other conversation, we need to be mindful that occasional pauses are useful. People in our modern age dread these and become nervous. They quickly say something to break the silence. In Eastern societies such as Japan, Korea and China, there is a high comfort level with silence.
In Japanese, the word ma means an interval or pause. In the art of effective listening, we, too, can use ma. This is when we can attend to the non-verbal cues that the other person is sending. Is he relaxed or tense? What does his tone tell us? Words convey the informational content, but what’s the emotional content, which is even more important?
You may also pause when you are conversing with the other party. Stay cool, lean back slightly and be relaxed. Provide the space for thoughts to materialize and opinions to be formed. Done with finesse, silence is indeed golden.
Acknowledgement/Celebration
People who work with us all need acknowledgement when they have done something well or to the best of their abilities. This uplifts their spirit and spurs them on to take the next step. At work when our colleagues reach certain milestones in the course of an important project, we should also break from our routine and have a small celebration. And so it is for a coaching engagement. Your coachee has just done something significant. When she tells you about it, congratulate her and let her know how pleased you are. Do it with sincerity. It will matter to her.
A good coach has many qualities similar to those of a good manager. These are some key ones:
♦ Self-aware
♦ Confident
♦ Approachable
♦ Patient
♦ Generous; believes in others’ potential
♦ Authentic
♦ Open and receptive
♦ Always learning and improving
♦ A good role model
Do note that you need to differentiate between two roles that you are playing as a manager and as a coach. If you don’t know where to draw the line, you will get conflicted. So will your people.
My suggestion is for you to visualize yourself wearing two hats. Most of the time, you should wearing the hat of a manager. When you are about to embark on a coaching conversation, you need to be clear that you are changing hats. It might even be useful to say this to the other party, “Shall we now work on this situation as a coaching conversation?”
At the beginning when you are beginning to coach, such a demarcation will prevent a confusion over what role you are playing. As a manager, there will be times when you are under pressure and need things done quickly. On such occasions, it is not the time to coach. You will have to do what managers need to do.
Overtime, as you become more and more proficient both as a manager and as a coach, you will develop a natural balance between managing and coaching. The line becomes blurred and you will be able to do both seamlessly.
Learning how to coach is a long process. It can’t be done overnight. Be patient with yourself and take it one step at a time. It is useful to bear in mind the following points:
♦ When you start coaching, select someone who is keen to be coached. Perhaps, partner up with a fellow manager to do peer coaching. Or if you are starting with a subordinate, choose someone who is receptive and ready to be coached.
♦ Select a comfortable environment for coaching. Keep it informal. Do it over a cup of tea. If you need to do it in your office, do not do it with you sitting behind your desk. This is the traditional boss-subordinate interaction and can only cause discomfort. Sit facing each other with no barrier between you and the other party.
♦ Keep the sessions short. Perhaps no more than 20 minutes for a start.
♦ You don’t have to complete the entire GROW process in one sitting. It’s fine to do it in a few sessions.
♦ You may not even need to keep using GROW as the framework. Sometimes, by listening well and asking good questions in a meeting, you may help someone to move along. Good coaching occurs when people who are being coached do not even realize it.
♦ Not everybody can be coached. Some people think that it is a poor use of time and prefer to be told what to do. Recognize who these people are, and don’t attempt to coach them. Your time can be more productively spent elsewhere.
♦ The following proficiencies are required for coaching: (a)Trust- and Rapport-Building, (b) Listening, (c) Questioning, (d) Giving feedback, (e) Use of silence and (f) Acknowledgement/Celebration. Practise each of them at work.
♦ It is necessary to strike a balance between being a manager and a coach.
Q1: You now know the GROW Model as well as the proficiencies required for coaching. And it’s time for us to observe a coaching conversation. Please turn to Appendix One.
Q2: How ready are you now to begin coaching? What are the first steps you would take?