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Index
Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Contents Epigraph PART ONE: INTRODUCTIONS
Marla & Gottfried’s Easter Dinner Jake & Bill can bring the snake out now
PART 1.1: INTRODUCING THE SHOVELER AND THE FREAK
The Shoveler: the Snowstorm & Mr. _______son The Shoveler: Old Business The Shoveler: Tunnels on the Surface of the Moon MAKE THE FREAK VANISH! THE FREAK HATES HALF-WIT HIGH SCHOOL BITCHES! Jake & Bill are shoveling The Shoveler: Brain Man THE FREAK IS PART OF A TEAM NOW! The Shoveler: Transparent Backpack NAKED FREAK CAN’T CRY! Marla & Gottfried’s Drive-In Movie Jake & Bill go out for beer FREAKISH INTERLUDE! The Shoveler: Ma’am The Shoveler: Au Gratin Marla & Gottfried Get Ready for a Guest The Shoveler: Eyebrow The Shoveler: Placement Test THE FREAK PICKS UP THE PHONE AND TALKS TO DIRT!
PART 1.2: INTRODUCING MALCOLM
Malcolm Is Annoyed by the Basket Malcolm Ate Bad Shrimp Jake & Bill communicate via brain waves Malcolm Isn’t Supposed To Malcolm Doesn’t Eat Lamb Malcolm: White People Marla & Gottfried’s Grandson Is Not Acceptable
PART 1.3: INTRODUCING CANIHELPYOU? AND LORETTA
CanIHelpYou? CanIHelpYou?: What’s the Point? Jake & Bill eat old pie CanIHelpYou?: Healthy Bacteria CanIHelpYou?: They Always Call Back Loretta’s Ticket Is a Flea Circus CanIHelpYou?: Us & Them THE FREAK HATES YOUR IDEA OF A PARTY! The Shoveler: Existence Gottfried’s Big Decision CanIHelpYou?: the Shoveler Loretta Likes Scabs CanIHelpYou?: Acid Hangovers Are the Worst Jake & Bill score convenient weed CanIHelpYou?: You
PART TWO: OUR CAST IN A BLENDER
Loretta Knows Her Lines CanIHelpYou?: Never Get a Manicure in Wichita THE FREAK HEARS THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF EARTH TALKING AT THE SAME TIME! The Shoveler: Some Shrink Gottfried Thinks Marla Is the Grim Reaper Malcolm in the Consciousness Loretta, Act Two: Classic with Cheddar CanIHelpYou?’s CallYouLater THE FREAK LOVES WHOOPIE PIES! The Shoveler: Meet the Beach-Bum Grandson Jake & Bill are coming for your daughters Loretta Bleeds Marla Still Believes Blood Is Sacred Loretta Has Found a New Holloway CanIHelpYou?: Kiss Me I’m Irish Loretta, Act Three: Cold Open The Shoveler: Marla Really Has a Thing for Easter Marla & Gottfried’s Saturday Field Trip Overtime Malcolm Worries Sometimes THE FREAK LOVES ACCIDENTAL FRUIT! CanIHelpYou?’s Boxing Glove Jake & Bill pick up Bill’s check Marla & Gottfried Can’t Believe Their Luck Loretta’s Flea Check Malcolm Discovers Sixty-Five Miles per Hour The Shoveler: Mike Needs a Hand Gottfried’s New Secret Malcolm Experiences the Benefits of American Consumerism CanIHelpYou? Is Not Going to the Mall Jake & Bill are thunder and lightning WATCH THE FREAK EAT ROAST BEEF JOY!
PART THREE: OUR CAST IN A STRAINER
Malcolm’s Phone Finally Rings Marla & Gottfried Run Off at the Mouth The Shoveler: Wrong Words Jake & Bill no longer share an address Loretta’s Lamb Symphony in V-Flat CanIHelpYou?: a Girl More like Him The Shoveler: Last Room Malcolm’s Strainer CanIHelpYou?’s Strainer Malcolm Isn’t Going to Be a Plumber THE FREAK LOVES SWIMMING NAKED AND AUTHENIC JERK CHICKEN! Loretta, Act Three: with Pop-Pop The Shoveler: Last Day CanIHelpYou?’s Doorbell Rings Marla & Gottfried’s Easter Dinner, Take Two Jake & Bill can bring the snake out now The Shoveler: Easter in a Sinkhole THE FREAK HAS MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE! Malcolm Holds Hands Loretta, Act Three: Balloons for Easter CanIHelpYou?’s Name Is Katie The Shoveler: Shoveler’s Surprise Marla’s Pineapple Stuffing THE FREAK IS LURKING IN THE TREES! The Shoveler’s Mother Is Hyperventilating Gottfried’s Robins Give Good Advice Jake & Bill are forensically evident Easter Conversation on the Deck Easter Conversation in the Living Room THE FREAK LOVES PINEAPPLE STUFFING AND AWKWARD CONVERSATION! CanIHelpYou?’s Easter Dinner Loretta, Act Three: Close the Show with a Bang Marla Doesn’t Really Like Dessert THE FREAK FEELS THE WIND IN HER HAIR! The Shoveler: New Jersey Marla & Gottfried’s Goodbye Loretta’s Strainer Jake & Bill will never speak of it again Marla & Gottfried’s Beach House The Shoveler’s Strainer THE FREAK LOVES SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE FOREST! CanIHelpYou?’s Freakish Cousin The Shoveler: See You Later Malcolm Knows Where He Belongs THE FREAK HAS BEEN STRAINED! Easter Conversation in a Nissan Sentra Jake & Bill in a strainer Marla & Gottfried’s Curtain Call
Acknowledgments About the Author
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