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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Introduction
1. Fifty Things That Aren’t My Fault
2. Why There’s a Lifeless Body in Dressing Room Number Two
3. Driving Lessons
4. In Loving Memory of the Legs I Used to Hate
5. The Attack Mom
6. The Day I Outgrew All My Shoes
7. I Would Wash My Hands of This If Only I Could
8. Caregiver Standoff at the Ice Cream Parlor
9. Cords
10. At Least I Didn’t Eat a Donut
11. The Build-A-Boob Workshop
12. Infidelity
13. Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Nice Clean Closet
14. No Comment
15. Helicopter Daughter
16. Diary of a Bubble Wrap Scrap
17. I’m Flunking Retirement
18. This Is Your Brain on Sweet Potato Chips
19. Don’t Tell a Woman to Just Wear Jeans
20. The Organizer
21. Love Stories
22. The Day I Washed My Face with Bath Soap
23. It Took a Village
24. The Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny Torture Chamber
25. The Day I Divorced My Purse
26. Stop Trying to Upgrade Your Mother
27. Ode to Eyeliner
28. What Kind of Friend Has No Wi-Fi in the Powder Room?
29. In Defense of My 2,000th Trip to the Mall
30. My Meaningless Midlife Six-Minute Fling
31. Four Kindergarten Moms and a Bottle of Pinot Grigio
32. Joyfully Preparing for the Celebration of Death
33. Left at the Altar
34. Seduction 101
35. The Last Champions of Photo Album Guilt
36. Prince Charming
37. Unexpired Love
38. Ate O’Clock
39. Mother’s Day Text Message
40. Novocaine in the Waiting Room
41. Cool Whipped
42. Never, Ever Do What I Say
43. Love Is in the Air
44. Barbie Mom
45. Meditations on a Sweat Sock
46. Mother’s Soup
47. Superman Versus the Meatloaf
48. My Cup Would Runneth Over Except It Was Full of M&M’s and Now They’re All Gone
In Memoriam
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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