Thanks for the Feedback · The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Stone, Douglas -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

ALSO BY DOUGLAS STONE & SHEILA HEEN TITLE PAGE COPYRIGHT DEDICATION CONTENTS INTRODUCTION | From Push to Pull

WHAT COUNTS AS FEEDBACK? A BRIEF HISTORY OF FEEDBACK PULL BEATS PUSH THE TENSION BETWEEN LEARNING AND BEING ACCEPTED THE BENEFITS OF RECEIVING WELL DIGGING FOR PONIES

THE FEEDBACK CHALLENGE

1 | THREE TRIGGERS • That Block Feedback

THREE FEEDBACK TRIGGERS WHY WE GET TRIGGERED AND WHAT HELPS

1. TRUTH TRIGGERS: THE FEEDBACK IS WRONG, UNFAIR, UNHELPFUL

Separate Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation First Understand See Your Blind Spots

2. RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS: I CAN’T HEAR THIS FEEDBACK FROM YOU

Don’t Switchtrack: Disentangle What from Who Identify the Relationship System

3. IDENTITY TRIGGERS: THE FEEDBACK IS THREATENING AND I’M OFF BALANCE

Learn How Wiring and Temperament Affect Your Story Dismantle Distortions Cultivate a Growth Identity

TRUTH TRIGGERS | the challenge to SEE

Truth Triggers Overview 2 | SEPARATE APPRECIATION, COACHING, AND EVALUATION

ONE DAD, TWO REACTIONS THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF FEEDBACK

APPRECIATION COACHING EVALUATION

WE NEED ALL THREE

EVALUATION SHORTFALLS APPRECIATION SHORTFALLS COACHING SHORTFALLS

BEWARE CROSS-TRANSACTIONS

A COMPLICATION: THERE IS ALWAYS EVALUATION IN COACHING

WHAT HELPS?

GET ALIGNED: KNOW THE PURPOSE AND DISCUSS IT SEPARATE EVALUATION FROM COACHING AND APPRECIATION

3 | FIRST UNDERSTAND • Shift from “That’s Wrong” to “Tell Me More”

WE’RE GOOD AT WRONG SPOTTING UNDERSTANDING IS JOB ONE

FEEDBACK ARRIVES WITH GENERIC LABELS GIVER AND RECEIVER INTERPRET THE LABEL DIFFERENTLY

Play “Spot the Label”

WHAT’S UNDER THE LABEL?

Coming From and Going To

ASK WHERE THE FEEDBACK IS COMING FROM

They Observe Data They Interpret the Data They Confuse Data and Interpretation (We All Do)

ASK WHERE THE FEEDBACK IS GOING

When Receiving Coaching: Clarify Advice When Receiving Evaluation: Clarify Consequences and Expectations

SHIFT FROM WRONG SPOTTING TO DIFFERENCE SPOTTING

DIFFERENT DATA

Biases Drive Data Collection

DIFFERENCES IN INTERPRETATION

Implicit Rules Heroes and Villains

ASK: WHAT’S RIGHT?

WHEN YOU STILL DISAGREE

“WHY CAN’T FEEDBACK JUST BE OBJECTIVE?”

A CONVERSATION WITH COMMENTARY

PAUL’S PREPARATION: MINDSET AND GOALS THE CONVERSATION

4 | SEE YOUR BLIND SPOTS • Discover How You Come Across

THE GAP MAP BEHAVIORAL BLIND SPOTS

YOUR LEAKY FACE YOUR LEAKY TONE YOUR LEAKY PATTERNS E-MAIL BODY LANGUAGE THEY MAY SEE EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO HIDE

THREE BLIND-SPOT AMPLIFIERS

AMPLIFIER 1: EMOTIONAL MATH AMPLIFIER 2: SITUATION VERSUS CHARACTER AMPLIFIER 3: IMPACT VERSUS INTENT THE RESULT: OUR (GENERALLY POSITIVE) SELF WE COLLUDE TO KEEP EACH OTHER IN THE DARK

WHAT HELPS US SEE OUR BLIND SPOTS?

USE YOUR REACTION AS A BLIND-SPOT ALERT ASK: HOW DO I GET IN MY OWN WAY? LOOK FOR PATTERNS GET A SECOND OPINION

Honest Mirrors Versus Supportive Mirrors

RECORD YOURSELF FOCUS ON CHANGE FROM THE INSIDE OUT HAVE A PURPOSE

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS | the challenge of WE

Relationship Triggers Overview 5 | DON’T SWITCHTRACK • Disentangle What from Who

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS CREATE SWITCHTRACK CONVERSATIONS

SWITCHTRACKING DEFEATS FEEDBACK SILENT SWITCHTRACKING CAN BE WORSE

TWO RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS

WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THEM

Skill or Judgment: How, When, or Where They Gave the Feedback Credibility: They Don’t Know What They’re Talking About Trust: Their Motives Are Suspect

SURPRISE PLAYERS IN THE FEEDBACK GAME

Strangers Those You Least Like and Who Are Least Like You

HOW WE FEEL TREATED BY THEM

Appreciation Autonomy Acceptance

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS: WHAT HELPS?

SPOT THE TWO TOPICS GIVE EACH TOPIC ITS OWN TRACK

Signposting

LISTEN FOR THE RELATIONSHIP ISSUES LURKING BENEATH THEIR “ADVICE”

LOUIE AND KIM: TAKE TWO

6 | IDENTIFY THE RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM • Take Three Steps Back

WHO IS THE PROBLEM AND WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE? SEE THE RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM TAKE THREE STEPS BACK

ONE STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS TWO STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES AND ACCIDENTAL ADVERSARIES THREE STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE (OTHER PLAYERS, PROCESSES, POLICIES, AND STRUCTURES)

FEEDBACK THROUGH A SYSTEMS LENS THE BENEFITS OF A SYSTEMS LENS

IT’S MORE ACCURATE IT MOVES US AWAY FROM NEEDLESS JUDGMENT IT ENHANCES ACCOUNTABILITY IT HELPS CORRECT OUR TENDENCY TO SHIFT OR ABSORB

Blame Absorbers: It’s All Me Blame Shifters: It’s Not Me

IT HELPS US AVOID “FIXES THAT FAIL”

TALKING ABOUT SYSTEMS

BE ON THE LOOKOUT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART “HERE’S WHAT WOULD HELP ME CHANGE” LOOK FOR THEMES: IS THIS A ME + EVERYBODY INTERSECTION?

USE THE SYSTEM TO SUPPORT CHANGE (NOT THWART IT)

IDENTITY TRIGGERS | the challenge of ME

Identity Triggers Overview 7 | LEARN HOW WIRING AND TEMPERAMENT AFFECT YOUR STORY

THE LIBERATION OF HARD WIRING

A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT YOURSELF ON FEEDBACK

1. Baseline: The Beginning and End of the Arc 2. Swing: How Far Up or Down You Go

Bad Is Stronger Than Good

3. Sustain and Recovery: How Long Does the Swing Last?

Negative Recovery: Righty or Lefty? Sustaining Positive Feelings Four Sustain/Recovery Combinations

WIRING IS ONLY PART OF THE STORY

THE MAGIC 40

EMOTIONS DISTORT OUR SENSE OF THE FEEDBACK ITSELF

OUR STORIES HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SOUNDTRACK THOUGHTS + FEELINGS = STORY

HOW FEELINGS EXAGGERATE FEEDBACK

OUR PAST: THE GOOGLE BIAS OUR PRESENT: NOT ONE THING, EVERYTHING OUR FUTURE: THE FOREVER BIAS AND SNOWBALLING

8 | DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS • See Feedback at “Actual Size”

SETH TAKES A RELAXING VACATION FIVE WAYS TO DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS

1. BE PREPARED, BE MINDFUL

Know Your Feedback Footprint Inoculate Yourself Against the Worst Notice What’s Happening

2. SEPARATE THE STRANDS: FEELING / STORY / FEEDBACK

Our Stories Shadowbox with the Past

3. CONTAIN THE STORY

Use a Feedback Containment Chart Draw the Balancing Picture Right-Size the Future Consequences

4. CHANGE YOUR VANTAGE POINT

Imagine You’re an Observer Look Back from the Future Cast the Comedy

5. ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL HOW OTHERS SEE YOU

Have Compassion for Them

WHEN LIFE COMES DOWN HARD

DROWNING ASK FOR SUPPORT

9 | CULTIVATE A GROWTH IDENTITY • Sort Toward Coaching

FEEDBACK CAN ROCK OUR SENSE OF SELF

IDENTITY: OUR SELF-STORY

IS YOUR IDENTITY BRITTLE OR ROBUST? GIVE UP SIMPLE LABELS AND CULTIVATE COMPLEXITY

KEEP IT OUT OR LET IT IN? EMBRACE IDENTITY NUANCE THREE THINGS TO ACCEPT ABOUT YOURSELF

You Will Make Mistakes You Have Complex Intentions You Have Contributed to the Problem

YOU’VE BEEN COMPLICATED ALL ALONG

SHIFT FROM A FIXED MINDSET TO A GROWTH MINDSET

PUZZLING KIDS FIXED VERSUS GROWTH ASSUMPTIONS BUT AREN’T SOME TRAITS FIXED? IMPLICATIONS FOR HOW WE RESPOND TO FEEDBACK AND CHALLENGE

The Accuracy of Our Self-Perception How We Listen to Feedback How We Respond to Struggle Can Create Self-fulfilling Prophecies The Framing Matters

MOVE TOWARD A GROWTH IDENTITY

PRACTICE #1: SORT TOWARD COACHING

Hear Coaching as Coaching When Coaching and Evaluation Get Tangled

PRACTICE #2: UNPACK JUDGMENT FROM THE EVALUATION SUITCASE PRACTICE #3: GIVE YOURSELF A “SECOND SCORE”

FEEDBACK IN CONVERSATION

10 | HOW GOOD DO I HAVE TO BE? • Draw Boundaries When Enough Is Enough

FINDING BOUNDARIES, SETTING BOUNDARIES THREE BOUNDARIES

1. I MAY NOT TAKE YOUR ADVICE 2. I DON’T WANT FEEDBACK ABOUT THAT SUBJECT, NOT RIGHT NOW 3. STOP, OR I WILL LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP

HOW DO I KNOW IF BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED?

DO THEY ATTACK YOUR CHARACTER, NOT JUST YOUR BEHAVIOR? IS THE FEEDBACK UNRELENTING? WHEN YOU DO CHANGE, IS THERE ALWAYS ONE MORE DEMAND? DOES THE FEEDBACK GIVER TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP HOSTAGE? ARE THEY ISSUING WARNINGS—OR MAKING THREATS? IS IT ALWAYS YOU WHO HAS TO CHANGE? ARE YOUR VIEWS AND FEELINGS A LEGITIMATE PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP?

WHERE BOUNDARIES WOULD HELP: SOME COMMON RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

THE CONSTANT CRITIC HATE-LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIPS RENOVATION RELATIONSHIPS BUT WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN . . . ?

TURNING AWAY FEEDBACK WITH GRACE AND HONESTY

BE TRANSPARENT: ACTUALLY TELL THEM BE FIRM—AND APPRECIATIVE REDIRECT UNHELPFUL COACHING USE “AND” BE SPECIFIC ABOUT YOUR REQUEST DESCRIBE CONSEQUENCES

YOU HAVE A DUTY TO MITIGATE THE COST TO OTHERS

INQUIRE ABOUT, AND ACKNOWLEDGE, THE IMPACT ON THEM COACH THEM TO DEAL WITH THE UNCHANGED YOU PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER

11 | NAVIGATE THE CONVERSATION

KEYFRAMES OF THE CONVERSATION THE ARC OF THE CONVERSATION: OPEN-BODY-CLOSE OPEN BY GETTING ALIGNED

CLARIFY PURPOSE, CHECK STATUS

1. Is This Feedback? If So, What Kind? 2. Who Decides? 3. Is This Final or Negotiable?

YOU CAN INFLUENCE THE FRAME AND AGENDA

BODY: FOUR SKILLS FOR MANAGING THE CONVERSATION

LISTEN FOR WHAT’S RIGHT (AND WHY THEY SEE IT DIFFERENTLY)

Your Internal Voice Is Crucial

Triggered: From Assistant to Bodyguard When Empathy Shuts Down

What Helps? Listen with a Purpose

Prepare to Listen Find the Trigger Patterns And Then Negotiate

Listening’s Second Purpose: To Let Them Know You Hear Them Beware Hot Inquiry

ASSERT WHAT’S LEFT OUT

Shift from “I’m Right” to “Here’s What’s Left Out” Common Assertion Mistakes

Truth Mistakes Relationship Mistakes Identity Mistakes

BE YOUR OWN PROCESS REFEREE

Process Moves: Diagnose, Describe, Propose

PROBLEM SOLVE TO CREATE POSSIBILITIES

Create Possibilities Dig for Underlying Interests

Three Sources of Interests Behind Feedback

Generate Options

CLOSE WITH COMMITMENT PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: A CONVERSATION IN MOTION

AN EVALUATION CONVERSATION ABOUT RATINGS AND BONUSES

Version One Version Two Version Three Version Four: A More Skillful Conversation

12 | GET GOING • Five Ways to Take Action

NAME ONE THING

ASK: “WHAT’S ONE THING YOU SEE ME DOING THAT GETS IN MY OWN WAY?” LISTEN FOR THEMES ASK WHAT MATTERS TO THEM

TRY SMALL EXPERIMENTS

DON’T DECIDE, EXPERIMENT

Try It On Try It Out You May Be Surprised

IT’S NOT ALL-AND-ALWAYS

RIDE OUT THE J CURVE

TWO DECISION MAKERS INCREASE THE POSITIVE APPEAL OF CHANGE

Make It Social Keep Score

INCREASE THE COST OF NOT CHANGING

Tie Yourself to the Mast Recognize the J Curve

COACH YOUR COACH

WHAT COACHING YOUR COACH DOESN’T MEAN TALK ABOUT “FEEDBACK AND YOU” DISCUSS PREFERENCES, ROLES, AND MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS HIERARCHY AND TRUST DON’T BECOME A GIMME-FEEDBACK FANATIC YOUR COACH CAN HELP YOU GET IN SYNC WHEN THE PERSON BEING COACHED IS THE BOSS

INVITE THEM IN

A GOOD LISTENER ASKS FOR HELP A FRUSTRATED ADVISER OPENS UP PERFECT FEEDBACK FOR THE PERFECT PERSON SHIFTING MIRRORS

We Triangulate for Comfort, but Not Coaching Hank Has a Hunch Make Two Lists to Stay on Track

13 | PULL TOGETHER • Feedback in Organizations

THERE ARE NO PERFECT FEEDBACK SYSTEMS

CAN’T LIVE WITH IT, CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT

WHAT LEADERSHIP AND HR CAN DO

1. DON’T JUST TRUMPET BENEFITS, EXPLAIN TRADEOFFS 2. SEPARATE APPRECIATION, COACHING, AND EVALUATION 3. PROMOTE A CULTURE OF LEARNERS

Highlight Learning Stories Cultivate Growth Identities Discuss Second Scores Create Multitrack Feedback Leverage Positive Social Norming

WHAT TEAM LEADERS AND FEEDBACK GIVERS CAN DO

1. MODEL LEARNING, REQUEST COACHING 2. AS GIVERS, MANAGE MINDSET AND IDENTITY 3. BE AWARE OF HOW INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES COLLIDE IN ORGANIZATIONS

WHAT RECEIVERS CAN DO

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS NOTES ON SOME RELEVANT ORGANIZATIONS ABOUT THE AUTHORS NOTES ROAD MAP

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