Survival Guide for Working With Humans by Scott, Gini Graham -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

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Part I: An Aggressive Species Chapter List Chapter 1: When Sweet Revenge Isn't So Sweet Overview Sometimes the notion of "sweet revenge" can seem so fitting. Someone has promised to meet your deadline at work but hasn't come through despite repeated assurances. A boss has unreasonably threatened penalties if you don't meet a deadline for completing a lengthy report for his presentation with new clients, and then doesn't give you credit when you do come through. A client tells you she's going to hire you to work on her next project after you put in long hours to do a really great job, but later she instead hires a friend. You may be thinking that sweet revenge might be just the ticket to get back at those who wrong you, particularly if you believe no one will know what you did, say if you send an anonymous letter or phone in an anonymous tip to a regulatory agency or company higher-up. Or perhaps you believe you might benefit yourself while undermining your adversary by acting like a genuinely concerned person providing others w Chapter 1: When Sweet Revenge Isn't So Sweet What Should Betty Do?Here are some possibilities. In Betty's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Send a frank letter to Jane, telling her how her own behavior was rude and unprofessional, so Jane will understand what she did wrong and shape up in the future. Call Jane's boss to let him know about Jane's failings, so he can tell Jane to shape up or ship out. Call up Jane and arrange to have a heart-to-heart talk to explain how you felt she was unhelpful and rude, hoping she'll understand, apologize, and improve her act in the future. Send an anonymous letter to Jane's boss to advise him to watch Jane more closely, since she was not doing her job very well, without giving specific details. Send a friendly e-mail thanking Jane for the referral to the other company, and then diplomatically point out that you were working to meet a deadline for your boss and that your company has gotten such samples from other companies befor Today's Take-Aways: Sweet revenge is often not sweet at all; instead it is often sour and leaves a very bitter taste. The problem with seeking revenge is that it often ends up seeking you—or you might fan the flames that end up burning you. Once you let go of the anger that's fueling your revenge, youcan better think through your options and what it's really best to do. Chapter 2: Watch Out for the Eggshells Overview With some people you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Often they're very creative, dramatic, or outgoing, and can be very charming and fun to be with. They can be great idea people, enthusiastic salespeople, and dynamic bosses. But they are also very sensitive to potential slights, and they can erupt into tirades or a sullen silence if you say or do the wrong thing to set them off. The experience is like working with a Roman candle that has a short fuse. Or you feel like you are walking through a field of eggshells, and breaking one can be especially dangerous if the problem is with a boss, client, or project team leader. That's what happened to Andy, an advertising account manager, when he worked with Cynthia, a VP and product manager for an important client. Things could be going along swimmingly, but suddenly, he would get on Cynthia's nerves, and she would erupt and let him have it. At first, Andy wasn't sure exactly what he did Chapter 2: Watch Out for the Eggshells What Should Andy Do? Here are some possibilities. In Andy's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Compliment Cynthia to build up her self-esteem and make her feel better, since she feels insecure. Once she feels more secure, she'll behave better toward you. Avoid touching the hot buttons that set Cynthia off by noticing when she starts to become tenser. Then, back off to give her more space to relax and calm down. Find a way to not have to deal with Cynthia, say by working around her, such as with a co-worker or her boss. Play by the company rules to do everything right. Then, confront her when she acts badly; it's time she grew up. Communicate as much as possible by e-mail or memo to reduce the time you need to talk to or meet with Cynthia in person. Other? What should you do if you have to work with this type of individual? One approach is to notice the patterns—what types of questions, comments, or actions set them off? Today's Take-Aways: If you feel like you continually have to walk on eggshells around someone, maybe you should be walking away. If you have to stay around someone and feel you are walking on eggshells, find ways to handle the eggs—and that person— more gently so the shells don't break. If you find yourself in a box of eggshells—say with a group ofsupersensitive people—then be light on your feet, so you don't shake up and shatter the eggs. If you do break the eggs, try making an omelet. In other words, try to find a soft, gentle way to make repairs in the relationship to smooth things over by building up the person's self-esteem, which may have been shattered like the egg. Chapter 3: Don't Fight— Find Out! Overview Sometimes office fights—much like fights anywhere—can start with deeply held opinions about how things are or should be. The trigger doesn't even have to be something as big as politics. A battle can erupt over ordinary views about what happens every day. As people express their views, they can end up in warring camps, each thinking the other is myopic, even crass, ignorant, and biased. Not surprisingly, workplace relationships can deteriorate from there—interfering with work and productivity. Yet, ironically, such passionately held views are often based on wrong assumptions, premises, and beliefs, so people may not be that far apart after all once these errors are revealed. In fact, sometimes the falling out is due to a communication problem rather than genuine disagreement. That's what happened in one office lunch room when Sonia described a new product she had heard about—self-stick note pads preprinted with English and Spanish lines of cop Chapter 3: Don't Fight— Find Out! What Should Sonia Have Done?Here are some possibilities. In Sonia's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Sonia was right in expressing her views. Even if the Mexican employees didn't think they were being stereotyped and demeaned, they were. Sonia should have found out what the employees who she thought were being demeaned really thought before making her claims; she could have talked to a few employees to find out. Sonia should have raised the issue in a neutral way to draw out everyone's opinions before coming to her own conclusions or expressing her opinions so forcefully. Sonia shouldn't have raised such a controversial and potentially divisive issue in the workplace in the first place, since it threatens employee relationships and morale. Other? The point of this story is not to say who is right or wrong, but to show how mistaken we can be when we make assumptions about what people think and feel. Such assumptions ca Today's Take-Aways: If you're fighting about the facts, sometimes that's because you and others don't know what the facts really are. Don't just imagine or assume what the facts must be; find out when you don't know or aren't sure. Sometimes firmly held opinions are inversely related to what people really know; if so, seek to reverse the equation by providing them with the facts. Chapter 4: When to Turn Down the Volume, or Find Someone Else to Do It Overview Sometimes simmering workplace feuds can bubble along under the surface. You know they are there, because of a sense of unspoken tension between two or more people who work together. But often such low-level tensions are ignored in the interest of keeping the peace. In some cases, such feuds start off being one sided, when one person is offended by or simply doesn't like another employee and shows this in subtle ways. Some common methods include quiet putdowns; indirect insults; or passive–aggressive tactics, such as agreeing to take on certain responsibilities for a joint assignment and not doing them properly or at all, so the disliked person ends up looking bad. As such guerrilla hostilities continue, the victim is likely to strike back, perhaps by some undercover action, too. An unspoken feud can easily escalate and heat up, creating a truly steamy brew that can explode and spread to others. That's what Chapter 4: When to Turn Down the Volume, or Find Someone Else to Do It What Should Betty Do? Here are some possibilities. In Betty's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Ignore Allison's putdowns, mistakes, and lack of responsive behavior; think of them as Allison's problem rather than taking them personally, and hope things will get smoothed over if you don't stir up the pot. Arrange for a private meeting with Allison and ask her what the problem is and what you can do to help resolve whatever's bothering her. Bring up her experiences at a staff meeting to alert others to the problem, gain their support, and prevent Allison from continuing to get away with her actions. Find a way to undermine Allison quietly and expose her bad behavior to others, so maybe she'll lose her job. Find a co-worker on good terms with Allison to step in, find out what the problem is, and try to work things out between you. Other? Resolving such conflicts can be tricky, because you are dealing with covert and indir Today's Take-Aways: To turn down the volume on a conflict, sometimes it's better to have someone do it for you. Just like you get rid of static on the radio to get a clear channel, in a conflict, bringing things out in the open can promote clarity and get rid of the noise. If you sense that someone is acting covertly against you, that's like detecting low-level static on the radio. Seek to eliminate the problem as soon as possible, so the channel—and the relationship—becomes clear again. Remember that people have their own receptions—like thoseon a radio—and tune in to different levels, so that some people are more sensitive than others. What one person means as a quiet joking comment can sound like a loud hurtful insult to the other. If so, it's time to turn down the volume on that broadcast, too. Chapter 5: When a Problem Spirals Out of Control Overview If conflicts at work mushroom, feuds can turn into vendettas and spiral far beyond the original problem. Even some attempts to resolve them can backfire, as the blame game creates more and more victims. In such cases, even if you are not at fault, it is best to deal with blame and false allegations in a calm, cool, strategic way, or risk being caught in the undertow. The situation is like being a passenger in a boat that could be capsized by a crazed passenger who is blaming you for a storm. You didn't cause the storm; you are not in charge of the boat; but the passenger thinks you are. So you have to gain control of the passenger or situation, but do so in a calm, controlled way—or your boat will go down. That's what happened to one man—let's call him Dan—who wrote to me about an increasingly desperate work situation at his department in a nonprofit agency, which was headed up by two senior employees. Unfortunately, the office Chapter 5: When a Problem Spirals Out of Control What Should Dan Do?Here are some possibilities. What would you do as Dan and why? And what do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Tell a supervisor about Tom's threat to file untrue harassment charges and acknowledge the long-buried criminal conviction in confidence to deal with that now, before it potentially leaks. (This way maybe his supervisor might be more understanding about him concealing this information, though the concealment could be grounds for dismissal.) Talk to Tom to try to overcome his feeling of resentment and even offer to help, to avoid his filing the charges, even if untrue. Wait until Tom actually does something, since it could be an idle threat; then, deal with whatever charges or negative information that come up when they do. Find a new job, get a good recommendation, and go, before these problems erupt and you leave with mud on your face. Confront Tom and tell him in no uncertain terms how you'll fight back if he files any false charges Today's Take-Aways: If you're facing a fired-up employee, a first step is to put out the fire. When others are raging, think of ways of engaging. Just as honey can make the medicine go down, sweet talk can sometimes be just the medicine to put down office conflicts. Avoid threatening legal action when someone's already enraged and upset. These could be fighting words that provoke even more fight from someone ready to go off. Chapter 6: Prepare for the Worst-Case Scenario Overview Everyone agrees that preparation is absolutely critical. Whether it's a speaking presentation, a report you are writing, a sales meeting, or something else, preparation is a major key to success. Usually when people talk about preparation, they are talking about follow-up; perseverance; getting the facts; doing the research needed; and practice, practice, practice. But even if you do all of these things and feel fully prepared, are you really? Unfortunately, you can be perfectly well prepared for what you expect. But then you may find you have done all this great preparation and things are not what they seem. You are hit with the unexpected and unpredictable. You encounter the "worst-case scenario" and you didn't consider it a possibility at the time. The experience is a little like spending weeks and weeks preparing for a big exam only to find out that the exam will be on another subject that you haven't prepped for at all. Likew Chapter 6: Prepare for the Worst-Case Scenario What Should Emily Have Done and What Should She Do Now? Here are some possibilities. In Emily's place, what would you have done or do now and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Try to talk to Tony, as well as ABC's risk management department, to work out a settlement, if he has the authority to participate in the process. Look at the mix-ups that happened from Tony's point of view to consider how he and ABC might try to get out of taking the blame. Document not only what happened to show delays and damage but document your conversations with Tony and others in ABC. Besides writing a letter to the judge about Tony's lies, share this information with the media, since this could be a big story involving a big company. At least you would feel you gained justice, whatever happens at court. Send a complaint letter about Tony and ABC to various regulatory agencies; maybe they'll take action against ABC. Other? Thus, while Emily had prepared carefully, she Today's Take-Aways: When you least expect it, the unexpected will occur; so prepare for the unexpected in case you don't get what you expect. When situations change, so can people; so be prepared forpeople to change their attitudes and their actions when they are placed in different situations and play different roles. Your preparations are only as good as your predictions, andsometimes your predictions can be wrong. So prepare for the unpredictable, too. Just because you know things happened a certain way doesn'tmean that others know that or want things to be that way. So be prepared that someone else may tell a different story, whether he believes it or just wants others to believe his point of view. Don't expect people always to tell the truth, even in court. If there's an incentive to lie and a good chance of not getting caught, people often will—so be prepared for that, too. Chapter 7: When Nothing Is the Best Solution Overview While everyone talks about being "proactive" as a good strategy, whether you're solving a problem or planning for the future, sometimes the best strategy is to do nothing and wait, even when you are eager to do something, anything. That's because taking no action can seem so powerless; yet at times the power comes in your ability to wait and let someone else make his or her move first. That's what happened to Joe, when his company hired a local software designer, Aaron. The plan was to create a dedicated Web site to market some specialty educational toys that Joe's company had been selling locally through department stores and trade shows. Joe had been thinking of going online for some time but didn't have the knowledge to set up a commercial site himself, despite a few introductory classes on creating Web pages. Thus, he was delighted when he ran into Aaron at a local business networking meeting, and Aaron described his skills. Def Chapter 7: When Nothing Is the Best Solution What Should Joe Do?Here are some possibilities. In Joe's place, what would you have done and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Tell Aaron after he has been ill for a couple of weeks that he hasn't been pulling his share, and though you are sympathetic, you have to get someone else to do the work if he can't. Fill in for Aaron because he is sick, but confront him when you discover his many mistakes, since he has misrepresented his abilities and doesn't deserve to continue to work on the project for that reason. Continue to let Aaron think you will be ready for him to come back to the business when he is well; but meanwhile, look for a new employee to do his work, and be ready to compensate Aaron for his time, should the business take off with the new employee. Show Aaron great sympathy in his illness, but explain that the business is doing poorly without him, can't be saved, and let him be the one to accept this reality and decide to leave himself Today's Take-Aways: When you aren't sure what to do, the best strategy may be to simply wait. There can be great power and wisdom in doing nothing, because action or resistance might provoke a counter-response. Instead of escalating the action to end a situation, try waiting it out to see if it will end on its own. Sometimes it's best to treat a situation like a dog on the porch.Put it away for awhile, give it minimal attention, and it'll eventually either work itself out (ie: behave) or simply wind down (ie: go away). Chapter 8: Keep It Clear, Clear, Clear Overview Communication breakdowns are at the heart of so many conflicts and foul-ups. They can occur at every stage of a communication from sender to recipient and back again. From wrong assumptions to wrong information that shapes a message to misunderstandings and misinterpretations when you "get"—or maybe don't "get"—it, the possibilities for mix-ups are endless. How can you increase the chances of getting a clear message across? How can you know if that clear message has been received? That's the problem Trina faced when she was assigned an eager but not always on-task employee—Steven—to manage on her project team. His job was to gather the research findings about the company's marketing efforts in different cities, analyze them, turn them into charts and presentations, and send them to the clients. Others on the team were involved in doing interviews or collecting survey data and turning the results in to Steven. Part of Trina's job was to gi Chapter 8: Keep It Clear, Clear, Clear What Should Trina Do?Here are some possibilities. In Trina's place, what would you have done or do now and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Find a way to get Steven fired. Why spend the extra time trying to make things clear to him, if it's hard for him to understand? Give Steven a clear set of written instructions, but tell him his job is on the line if he doesn't finally get it right. Even if it may be difficult to fire him, the warning alone might scare him into paying more attention, so he will do the work right. Have a team meeting for everyone to discuss what Steven is doing wrong, so he really gets the message. By using the group meeting, you won't be alone in having problems with his work, as the difficulties will now concern everyone on the team. Take some private time to explain the problem to Steven, find out from him what he suggests to solve it, and use those insights to help you make future projects and priorities clear to him using Today's Take-Aways: If something isn't clear one way, try using one or more otherchannels of communication to reinforce what you want to say. Don't just say it; find ways to write it and show it, too. Combine a little concern and compassion with clarity to helpthe clarity go down—just as you might add sugar to medicine or give someone a sugar-coated pill to make it easier to swallow. Don't just try to make it clear yourself. Try to get the other person to shine some light, as well, to clear the way. Part II: Political Animals Chapter List Chapter 9: Choosing Your Battles Overview There are a number of popular aphorisms about timing, such as "Timing is everything," "There's a time and place for everything," and "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose." Likewise, timing is critical for success when deciding which battles are worth fighting. You have to be aware of the political realities, including who has more power, workplace alliances, and the art of compromise and taking your time for the best opportunity. On some level, every workplace situation is like a "Survivor" show microcosm. You may not be isolated in a faraway place, stuck with minimal resources, but you still find the same kind of jostling for connections and position. And if you don't play the game well, you could be voted out of the office tribe. I thought of these issues when a reader wrote me that he thought I was advising someone to "kiss ass," when I suggested the man should seek to avoid a conflict and work things out with someo Chapter 9: Choosing Your Battles What Should Sam Do?Here are some possibilities. In Sam's place, what would you do and why? And what do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Point out what Darryl was doing wrong in the beginning, because nepotism is unfair and the other employees are doing Hal's work. Let Hal make mistakes, so Darryl will have to see that Hal is unqualified and eventually fire him. It's Darryl's problem; let him deal with it. Talk to Hal and tell him he isn't pulling his weight, and you and the other employees aren't willing to continue to cover for him. Talk to the other employees who are doing Hal's work and gain their support for a showdown to tell Hal he's got to do his work, because no one is going to continue doing it for him. Organize the other employees to complain to the boss about Hal as a group. Other? Eventually, what Sam decided to do is this. As much as he wanted to blow the whistle on Hal, he didn't, because he recognized the political landscape. He wasn't in a pos Today's Take-Aways: Besides choosing your battles, choose the right time for them. Sometimes the best way to fight and win a battle is not to fight at all. Every workplace environment is political; so before entering aworkplace battle, consider who has the power and whether you have the power to win. Chapter 10: Watch Out for Confidences Overview Becoming someone's confidant at work can be flattering. You feel trusted with someone's secrets. You feel plugged in and are privy to behind-the-scenes gossip. You may experience a sense of power. You are consoling someone and giving advice, so you feel helpful and in the know. But if you are not wary, you can fall into the hidden pitfalls of being a confidant. What you know and what you share with a person who confides in you can backfire and blow up in your face. That's what happened to Barbara, who became friendly with a coworker, Nancy, in a sales and marketing department. They shared many things in common that drew them together: both were 30somethings from Boston, and both were interested in the local art scene. They got in the habit of having lunch together and occasionally called each other to discuss projects they were working on. After a few weeks, Nancy began sharing more personal observations and concerns with Barbara. Nancy to Chapter 10: Watch Out for Confidences What Should Barbara Do?Here are some possibilities. In Barbara's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? From the start, before the problem with Nancy develops, ask her not to continue to share confidences, because you feel you need to keep personal relationships out of the workplace. Now that problems have developed, have a heart-to-heart conversation with Nancy to air out past grievances and make peace. Get friendly with the recently hired employee, so Nancy can't turn that employee against you. Notice when Nancy messes up at work, so you can quietly tip off the boss or others to keep her from being promoted. Let Nancy know that if she uses any of your confidences against you, you know plenty about her you can share, to keep her from using what you told her to harm you. Other? You can find yourself in a dangerous situation when someone at work starts to share personal confidences with you—and when you share your own confid Today's Take-Aways: If someone leaves a trail of conflicts with other people behind him or her, don't walk on the trail with that person. You're likely to get stuck on that trail yourself. Beware of the person who wants to fill you up with lots of confidences. A too-full glass can break, and you can be shattered like a broken glass yourself. If you do share confidences you later regret, play nice and seekan agreement to hold any confidences in secret; that way, if you can make peace now, you may not have to play rough and make war with someone who violates your confidences. Chapter 11: When You're Not in the Family Overview Not being part of a family in a family-run business can make it more difficult for you—especially in smaller companies with several family members. In bigger companies, the influence of family members will generally be much diluted by the larger workforce and management team. Also, in a corporation, a commitment to shareholders and public record-keeping and reporting requirements will usually provide pressure to make sure family members are qualified and competent in their positions. But what happens when you work with a group of family members who have more power than you in a smaller company, and you aren't part of the family? What can you do apart from leaving the company and finding another job? That's what one reader—let's call him Paul— wanted to know in asking for my views on nepotism. Paul explained that he worked as a collection agent in a small collection agency with a dozen employees, where his immediate supervisor, David, a Chapter 11: When You're Not in the Family What Should Paul Do?Here are some possibilities. In Paul's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Seek to become closer to David, the brother-supervisor, so you will become like one of the family, like David. Seek to do even more to help John, so John will realize how much he needs your help, which can lead to more advancement as John moves ahead. Talk to David, the supervisor, about the problem and seek to work out a solution that will result in positive changes for everyone. Keep a chronology of what John is doing wrong to use in a discussion with David, the supervisor, or outside legal help. Talk to John and offer to help him improve his own performance. Other? What should Paul do? Unfortunately, the system is unfair. But if you work in a small privately held company as a lower level or front-line employee, you may not be able to do much to make the overall system more just, unless the poorly performing family-member emp Today's Take-Aways: Even if life and work are unfair, think how best to play the hand you've got. Don't just gripe about a problem as a group; by joining together, maybe you can solve the problem as a group. If you can help a family member in trouble, maybe the family will help you, too. Think of how you can contribute to the solution, by being solutions oriented. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, as they say. Chapter 12: Dealing with Unearned Praise Overview Everyone likes getting praise, right? Everyone feels good when they are complimented, yes? Isn't that what thousands of managers want to learn to motivate people better and achieve increased productivity, correct? Well, not always. Sure, most of the times these principles apply. But sometimes, if you feel you are getting unearned praised, you might not feel satisfied and motivated. In fact, you might feel unworthy, even suspicious about why someone is praising you for something you think you don't deserve. You might wonder if they have a hidden agenda. Those kinds of issues came up when one woman, we'll call her Tanya, wrote to me asking: "What would you call receiving praise for something that you yourself thought to be just an ordinary, routine job, but someone else said was an exemplary performance?" She wrote to me because a woman she worked with on a project had praised her enthusiastically for some work she had turned in, but Tany Chapter 12: Dealing with Unearned Praise What Should Tanya Do? Here are some possibilities. In Tanya's place, what would you do and why? And what do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Enjoy the praise. Even if you think you didn't deserve it, someone else does. Think about how the other person praised you, to decide if he or she really meant it, were just trying to be nice, or had other motives, and if so what. Then act based on what you think, though check out your suspicions before you act. Ask the person praising you to be more specific about what the praise is for to know better if he or she means it or is just saying it. If you think someone else really deserves the praise, tell the person praising you about what the other person has done; you can never go wrong honestly praising someone else. Don't take any praise too seriously. Treat it as just another everyday conversation, and keep doing what you do well, so you're doing a good job whether praised or not. Consider what to do better in the fut Today's Take-Aways: Not sure whether you deserve the praise or not? Try a reality check to find out. Is someone giving you unearned praise? Maybe a hidden cost comes with it. If you're really sure the praise is unearned, ask if the other person knows this, and if so, why? Consider any unearned praise like a warning sign announcing that it's time to improve in the future, so you'll truly earn the praise you get. Chapter 13: The Blame Game Overview When things go wrong, it's a natural inclination to want to find out what went wrong and hope that someone or something else can be found at fault. After all, you don't want to take the blame and the consequences if you don't have to. And those with more power (i.e., managers) often look for those with less power (i.e., employees) to take the fall when problems occur. Everyone is essentially hoping to pass the buck in the blame game—and whoever ends up with the buck is out of the game or has to pay the penalty to stay in. But sometimes the person passing the buck doesn't know. He or she doesn't recognize being responsible for creating a no-win situation that is doomed to fail. You might call this the "duck the blame by closing your eyes game." In effect, the whole game is poorly designed and doesn't play well—but no one wants to admit that he or she created a flawed design. What do you do if caught in such a "You're to blame!" situation, when someone Chapter 13: The Blame Game What Should Dave Have Done and What Should He Do Now?Here are some possibilities. In Dave's place, what would you have done or do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Get with the program no matter what you think of it. Questioning your boss or the experts isn't the way to get ahead. Stay silent at the training, but raise your concerns with your boss afterwards. This way he may be more likely to listen, since he isn't worried about saving face in front of the group because of doubts expressed at the training itself. Raise your concerns about the project, and if they aren't addressed and you're blamed for raising these issues, leave the company. Just listen and observe at the training, and be ready to troubleshoot and propose another research design when problems arise, to show off your skills. Tell Frank's boss that the research program isn't working, and be ready to take the consequences for going over Frank's head if his boss doesn't listen. It Today's Take-Aways: Before you take the blame in the blame game, consider whether you really deserve it. Maybe it belongs to someone else. Just because you don't have the position or the power doesn't mean you aren't right. If someone has trouble getting with a new program, it maymean the problem is with the program—not with the person. Before you place blame on someone for doing somethingwrong, consider why he or she is doing it wrong. Maybe there's something wrong with the way you are giving instructions or with the instructions themselves. If you raise your objections, but no one listens, rather than ex-pecting a raise where you are, think about how to raise yourself up and out to somewhere else. But take your time to make the climb to another mountain—there's no need to try to climb too quickly, or you may fall off. Chapter 14: Besting the Betrayer Overview What do you do when someone you have trusted with information turns around and uses that information to advance his or her own career? Worse, what if that person tries to go into competition with you? The problem can occur whether you hire someone, work with a partner, or team up with someone in your own company. You provide the ideas and leadership; then someone co-opts your ideas or takes the credit. Unless you want to let that person get away with it, you've got to do something. But what? That was Bill's dilemma when he teamed up with a partner from another company. His own small product development company needed some help in turning a design into a new product, and Bill was assigned to find an outside design company to help develop the idea and make the prototype on a partnership basis. Bill's boss Ralph felt the company was too busy with current orders and production to do the additional design work, and Bill thought he knew the perfect p Chapter 14: Besting the Betrayer What Should Bill Do?Here are some possibilities. In Bill's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Accept Jerry's explanation and figure he was just flustered, because he was surprised before he was ready to tell you about his Web site. Talk to Ralph and tell him what happened, so he can deal with Jerry. Call Jerry to say that you don't believe his explanation that he was just trying to promote the design as partners, and tell him the partnership is over. Arrange a meeting with Jerry to share your suspicions that Jerry was trying to promote the model as his own and maybe wasn't even sick, and give Jerry the benefit of the doubt. Call a lawyer to send Jerry a cease and desist order and formally dissolve any partnership. Other? Unfortunately, betrayals can be tricky when you think you have been shafted by someone, but aren't really sure. When the possible betrayal involves a co-worker or friend you have trusted for a long time Today's Take-Aways: Once trust is gone, it's gone. It's very difficult to bring it back, and it's hard to want to try. When you feel someone has betrayed you, give him a chance to explain, though don't necessarily believe him. Consider the facts and what you feel in your gut. Betrayals are like broken bridges; but rather than blowing them up because they're broken, think of ways to repair them or defuse the damage. Then look for another bridge that's solid for an easier, surer crossing in the future. When a betrayer gets caught, he or she can be like the kidfound with a hand in the cookie jar who says "I didn't do it" to get your approval and acceptance again. But while it's good to clean up the crumbs by being diplomatic, it's best not to provide the betrayer with another chance at the cookie jar; it's better to close it up tight and move on. Part III: Ethical Dilemmas Chapter List Chapter 15: Don't Let Them "Ethics" You Overview Some people pride themselves on being "ethical," and being "ethical" is certainly a quality to strive for. Not only does acting ethically mean you show honorable character traits, like being honest, squaredealing, and following moral principles, but other people feel they can trust you and are more likely to be loyal, motivated, committed, and productive. However, the problem comes when people define ethics very broadly to include any behavior they think is wrong, unjust, or unfair, so they can claim the moral ground in a situation that is not really an ethical issue. Rather, what they are objecting to as unethical behavior is simply another perfectly acceptable way of doing business—and even a common practice in certain industries. Thus, when one person accuses you of being "unethical," it may be simply because they have different definitions of what's fair or right than you do. In that case, don't let their accusations of unethical beh Chapter 15: Don't Let Them "Ethics" You What Should Devon Do?Here are some possibilities. In Devon's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Ignore Allan's claims that he is being unethical and wait for Tom to respond to his latest offer. Write a detailed memo to Tom explaining why the referral rate is fair, because Tom is getting extra work, and give a copy to Allan to show him this isn't an issue of ethics. End the arrangement with Tom, because he is trying to change the original agreement and can't be trusted, and explain this to Allan, his partner. Stop doing extra promotional work for Tom and accept a reduced commission rate, and tell Allan this is what you decided to do. Drop any claim for a referral fee, since Tom feels this isn't fair and Allan thinks the claim is unethical, even if you disagree and are just seeking a better bargain. Other? Initially, Devon was inclined to be more persuasive to convince Tom and Allan that he was simply asking for an arrang Today's Take-Aways: Don't get into a debate about who's ethical and who isn't ifsomeone raises an ethical flag. You'll only spread more flames than light. As long as you think you are doing what's ethical, do what'spractical when confronted by differing opinions about what's ethical and what's not. Sometimes the accusation of being unethical is more like a club to force you to do what someone else wants—not really a true guide to what's ethical in a situation where ethics isn't involved. When someone tries to "ethics" you, it's generally best not to fight back with "ethics" yourself—you'll only end up in an ethics match, and you both could lose. Chapter 16: When Somebody Wants to Change the Rules Overview Certainly in today's fast-paced and changing business world, it makes sense to change the rules. You've got to adapt, and change, innovation, reengineering, transformation, and like words have a with-it cachet. Though people often resist saying goodbye to old habits, in time, most will change, and generally change is for the good, since it leads to better ways of doing things. Yet sometimes, change does not work and backfires in the long run, such as when you change previously established rules to which everyone has agreed without getting their agreement. You may not know it at the time, because people may be afraid to state their feelings of resistance, but tensions and resentment can build up. Then, the change you want may lead to changes you don't, because the change breaks bonds of trust. You may not see the results right away—but down the road, watch out. That's what happened when Brad entered into a partnership agreemen Chapter 16: When Somebody Wants to Change the Rules What Should Brad Do? Here are some possibilities. In Brad's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Refuse Perry's demand for more money and remind him that the original agreement was to pay you back first. Besides, Perry has too much stake in the business to simply bail out and is probably bluffing. Agree to send Perry a check to gain his continued cooperation, but then don't send the check, since he probably no longer expects it after his apology. Send Perry the check in the spirit of good will, accept Perry's apology, and continue with the partnership as if nothing happened, since Perry has made amends. Refuse to let Perry's threat browbeat you regardless of the consequences, and find another line of business without Perry. Other? Barry's conundrum was that he felt he couldn't continue the business without the leads or Perry handling the orders. But he also felt like Perry was suddenly holding him up, changing their origi Today's Take-Aways: Before you try to change the rules, think how someone else is going to feel about those changes. He or she needs to understand and agree to those rule changes, too. If you try to change the rules using threats about how valuable you are, you might be giving someone a good reason to find they can do without your value in the future. If someone tries to force a rule change on you, think about the best strategy. Maybe it would be worth agreeing to change the rules right now, but you can make your own rule changes later to make things right. Chapter 17: When There's a Betrayer in the Group Overview We read about leaks in government and business all the time. Someone expresses his or her disapproval by leaking a memo or embarrassing story, and most of the time the leaker isn't caught and it's not worth pursuing. While many of the big stories of secret information that leaks end up on the evening news, everyone has private thoughts or personal information they don't want shared with others at work. When that happens—when a leak is very up-close and personal— it can feel really devastating to the victim. It can also undermine trust and sharing within a group, because no one knows who the leaker is and whether he or she will leak again. That's what happened when Sylvia joined an online support group for research and editorial employees who worked at different companies. The idea was to have a private network for employees who were doing a similar job at different companies around the country to share their experiences, both go Chapter 17: When There's a Betrayer in the Group What Should Joyce Do? Here are some possibilities. In Joyce's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Drop out of the group. Not only is it no longer secure because of the betrayal, but there has been too much anger for it to become supportive again. Invite the leaker to come forward, if not to the group as a whole, then to you personally, since you now want to forgive and let go. Explain to Teresa that you were only sharing some general opinions in a private group, and the report about your comments was misunderstood and told to her out of context. Then try to patch up the relationship from there. Stay in the group, but be more careful about what you share in the future. Should you want to disclose personal or negative information, share it with a few selected others privately, but not with the whole group. Other? Was there anything the group could do at this point? Or was the value of the support group irretrievably lost? Today's Take-Aways: Be careful about what you share in a large and sometimesanonymous group, even if it is supposed to be a confidential support group. It may be less confidential and private than you think. Feel free to share about general topics in a large support group. But if the topic is personal or there could be a negative impact on your job, find a way to share it more privately and securely to be sure it stays that way. Don't expect perfect confidentiality and privacy if you are in a nonprivate situation; despite the best of intentions and promises, things might still leak. And if something does leak that puts you in a negative light or harms a valuable relationship, think about what you can do to repair the damage. Regard the betrayal and the leak as two separate issues; treat the results of the leak as you would any other problem and figure out the best way to resolve it, leak or not. Chapter 18: Finders Keepers—Or Not? Overview What happens when you find some information you shouldn't know about in the workplace, but it could give you a big advantage if you can use it? Certainly, it's not legal to acquire information if you trespass in a private area, such as going through someone's desk or locker. It can be illegal to eavesdrop on a private conversation, particularly if someone is talking in his or her private office or you pick up the exchange on your cordless or cellular phone. But what if you come upon the information in a perfectly legal way, such as when someone leaves an open folder on a desk in the conference room or posts a file in the wrong place on the company intranet, so others can access it freely for several days before he or she takes it down. Or suppose in doing a Web search, you find private information developed by a competing company that has been posted where anyone can access it, though certainly the company didn't intend to make this informat Chapter 18: Finders Keepers—Or Not? What Should Sam Do?Here are some possibilities. In Sam's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Keep quiet about the information he has found, so he won't be under any pressure from Ted to use it, since this is private information and no one should use it. Tell Ted about the information he discovered, but refuse to do anything with it once he hears the lawyer say they shouldn't use the other company's data. Realize that Ted's idea of cleaning and testing the data and then combining it with other data is the smart thing to do. Quit his job, because he is being told to engage in actions that are ethically questionable, and could have legal consequences if discovered. Send an anonymous e-mail to the other company telling them their data is exposed on the Internet and not do anything with it himself, including informing Ted that it is there. Other? In this case, Sam first went to his boss, Ted, to help him decide. But Ted wasn' Today's Take-Aways: There are no absolutes, even when it comes to moral andethical considerations. Sometimes there are just wars when it comes to work and business issues, too. There's a difference between what's ethical and what's legal.While ethical and moral ideals may come into play in a particular situation, sometimes it pays to do the legal and practical thing. Different people have different definitions of what's ethical, so what's right to one person may not be to someone else; and what one person sees as ethical another may see as not the smart thing to do. Do you want to be right or successful? Sometimes what's "right to do" is what's ideally "right." In other cases, what's "right to do" is what's practical, because the world of work and business is sometimes like a battlefield. So you have to think like a general to win. Chapter 19: Fraud Happens Overview Commonly, you don't think a trusted friend or associate is going to defraud you. You think if you feel close to someone, trust that person with personal confidences, and act in a spirit of good will to help him or her, particularly through a difficult period, he or she will reciprocate in kind. Well, yes, usually, that's the case. So we learn to trust and think our helpful actions will be appreciated and evoke a like response from others. We even have terms to express these ideals, such as: "You get back what you put out," "What goes around comes around." However, those ideals also make it easy for someone who is a con artist at heart to take advantage of you, especially when you lay down your defenses out of trust and a desire to be helpful. In fact, that willingness to trust and believe people are who they say they are has opened the doors to the so-called social engineers, who talk their way into getting confidential company information and perpetr Chapter 19: Fraud Happens What Should Annette Do—or What Should She Have Done? Here are some possibilities. In Annette's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Make sure it is clear what you are offering to do to help someone, such as stating that the phone is only for local calls. Ask Sarah to sign a written contract stating what you are offering and what she is promising to do. Ask more questions about what Sarah says she has done, and ask to see the records to make sure she has done it, before giving her the job. Spend some time with Sarah to watch her do the work to see that she is doing it correctly. Take Sarah to court even if there isn't any money now; if she is so good at conning people, she'll probably have money in the future, and since she may not show up, you'll win by default. Take more time to check out people in the future, regardless of how charming and trustworthy they seem to be. Other? Probably in this case, moving on was the best Today's Take-Aways: Before you can fully trust people, you have to know who they are, and that takes time. Don't rush the trust process and give up too much of yourself too quickly; take the time; otherwise someone could "take" you. To take the con out of con artists take the time to get to knowsomeone and learn what she is all about. You might see her in a new and much brighter light that shows who she really is. Before you trust someone with both yourself and your business, make sure he or she deserves your trust. Do some checking before you starting writing checks to be sure the person you are checking on checks out. Part IV: People Who Ask Too Much Chapter List Chapter 20: The Great Communicator—Not! Overview Sometimes people who think they are great communicators aren't, but that's not something they want to hear. They think they are clear and concise. When someone else doesn't understand what they said or makes a mistake following their instructions—well, it's because the other person should have understood or he got it wrong. Their problem is like that of the person who doesn't know and doesn't know he doesn't know. As one researcher reported in a study, the people who were clueless were clueless they were clueless. That's why they were poorly informed—they were unaware they didn't have the knowledge and acted as if they did. Jimmy discovered this problem first-hand, when he was assigned to work on a series of research projects with a senior co-worker, Dan, who was designated as the team leader. Dan gave Jimmy some general instructions for writing up his research findings, telling him to "echo back" what he found in other research reports. Chapter 20: The Great Communicator—Not! What Should Jimmy Do? Here are some possibilities. In Jimmy's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Ask for further step-by-step clarification of what Dan, the team leader, wants. Write up a memo of your understanding of what to do after each meeting or telephone conversation, and send it to Dan. Ask Dan to send you a written memo with instructions before you do the work, and explain you want this so you'll clearly know what Dan wants. Talk to others who have similarly gotten unclear communications and approach Dan as a group to discuss the problem. Write up a memo about what you have done each day and send it to Dan. Even if he doesn't read it, you could still use it to defend yourself to higher-ups in the company, if he tries to fire you or if you end up in court. Other? What should you do in a situation like that, where you find yourself working with and getting directions from a person who thinks he or she is a good co Today's Take-Aways: People who think they are good communicators may not get the message when you try to tell them they are not. To improve communications with a poor communicator who'sclueless, put up more signs with clearer directions to guide the way. Slow down and stop for feedback to help light your way and find the right road. Put your understanding of your instructions in writing in an e-mail or memo so you show what you know—or don't, and invite the other person to tell you if anything isn't right. Then, it's clear whose wrong when things don't turn out right. Chapter 21: Learning to Let 'Em Go—The Demanding Client Overview You've probably heard the expression from the popular song "The Gambler": "You've got to know when to hold 'em; You've got to know when to fold 'em." Well, you've also got to know when to "let 'em go." In other words, know when to stop the game or walk away—in relationships, not just in cards or financial deals. That's what one of my clients—let's call her Susan—discovered when a long-term social relationship that evolved into a work relationship broke down. Susan, an administrative assistant in a big company, got used to seeing Anna socially at parties, at an after-work pub, and at occasional Chamber of Commerce mixers. Soon they were friends, talking about personal experiences and parties, and Susan told Anna about her plans to develop a career doing public relations and advertising, initially alongside her current work. A few months later, when Anna, who worked as a training consultant, hoped to start a training progra Chapter 21: Learning to Let 'Em Go—The Demanding Client What Should Susan Do?Here are some possibilities. In Susan's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Send Anna a letter explaining your position and why Anna should pay. Tell Anna exactly what you think went wrong, including all the ways you feel Anna's own actions were unreasonable. Discuss the unclear instructions and outside vendor problems as diplomatically as possible, since this is what Anna wants. Give Anna a credit for the $1000 and hope for the best next time, since you don't want to lose the money and friendship, and every business has to put up with some difficult clients. Decide what's more important—keeping Anna as a friend and giving her the benefit of the doubt again, standing up to her whatever the consequences, or ending both the friendship and the business and moving on? Other? For a moment Susan considered what to do; then finally said: "Well, then don't pay me at all." She walked away, giving up about $10 Today's Take-Aways: Don't get stuck holding on too long when the relationship is sinking. When you're in a leaky relationship, it's time to bail out—and then get out. If holding or folding isn't working for you, it's time to let go— and GO! Chapter 22: The Give-and-Take Paradox Overview You probably know the give-and-take paradox very well. Regardless of your occupation, someone may ask you to use your skill to do something for him or her. Or you may ask someone to use his or her skill to help you out. The problem comes in distinguishing when you should help out or expect the other person to help as a favor, and when that help becomes a service for which you or the other person should get paid. What makes this give-and-take paradox so tricky is that different people have different views about where to draw the line between what they give freely and what they feel it fair to charge for. Different industries have different guidelines, too. Conversely, different people and industries have varying expectations about what to expect. People in some professions, for example, are especially likely to complain about being hit by a brain drain when they meet people at social events. At a cocktail party a man says he's a lawyer, and Chapter 22: The Give-and-Take Paradox What Should Anyone Confronted by the Give-and-Take Paradox Do? Here are some possibilities. What would you do when confronted by the give-and-take paradox and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Diplomatically explain this is what you do for a living and invite the person to call you later if he or she still needs help. Don't tell people what you really do, so they won't ask you for free advice. Explain that you don't talk business in a social gathering and change the subject. Spend about two or three minutes helping the person as best you can in this time and showing off what you know; then give the person a card and invite him or her to contact you later for more help. Briefly offer some help; then give the person a flyer about the services you offer, should he or she need further help. Other? In my view, the way to distinguish when it's appropriate to ask for and hope for freebies versus when it's appropriate to say no is to distinguish between w Today's Take-Aways: Often "free" and "friendship" don't mix well in giving or getting professional services. If you value a product or service a personal contact has to offer, be willing to pay and don't expect it for free. If you don't want to give away a product or service to personal contacts who ask for it, don't feel guilty for wanting to say no. Instead, find a comfortable and diplomatic way to say this to keep your work and social words distinct. Chapter 23: When Nothing Seems to Work, It's Time to Go Legal Overview Sometimes things simply don't work out. You've done everything you can to solve a workplace problem as an employee, co-worker, or boss. As an employee, you've repeatedly tried to explain, open up channels of communication, apologize for perceived wrongs, clarify what your boss wants, or otherwise improve relationships. As a coworker, you've tried to meet another employee more than halfway, but still he or she disrupts your work and screams at you. As a boss, you've tried to be extra diplomatic in telling the employee what he or she did wrong and what you expect, and you've tried to be understanding in listening to problems, but the excuses continue. Thus, nothing seems to be working, no matter how many conflict resolution or problem solving strategies you try and you are facing a workplace that might be considered a hostile working environment or one that borders on harassment. So what then? Unfortunately, there are Chapter 23: When Nothing Seems to Work, It's Time to Go Legal What Should Doreen Do?Here are some possibilities. In Doreen's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Send a more detailed letter to Theresa to explain the situation further and suggest some alternatives that might improve relationships and productivity in the office. Apologize again and show even more humility, to indicate how truly sorry you are and how much you want to work things out. Just work harder, even if it isn't fair, since eventually your hard work and silence will pay off, especially if Teresa has to fire her childhood friend and needs someone else who can do the job. Recognize that this situation can't be resolved easily, and start documenting all the ways in which Teresa mistreated you and Doreen messed up, so you can use this if you have to go legal. Find another colleague you feel close to, so you can share your concerns and feel more support to know someone else feels the same way. Other? My first suggesti Today's Take-Aways: As in war, so in the workplace. Do all you can to stay out of the battle; but once you enter it, fight to win. Before you go into a legal battle, get prepared both legally andpsychologically—with documents and a positive "I'm going to win" attitude. As in poker, keep your plans to go legal to yourself until you are ready to act; then show your cards. Chapter 24: Passing the Responsibility Buck Overview A big source of problems in the workplace is when someone tries to pass the responsibility buck. It can be tempting not to pick it up when you can avoid it, since it's hard to admit a mistake even if only to yourself. Plus then you may have to face real consequences from shame to blame or worse. So you might find reasons why someone else should have done it, told you to do it but didn't, or told someone else to do it who didn't. Besides, you may tell yourself, "Why should I be expected to know?" and so it goes. However, again and again, the failure to take responsibility and shifting responsibility for your own mistakes to someone else is behind breakdowns in group planning and action. A common result is a lack of follow-through and poor communication about whether something was actually done. Another fallout when someone doesn't take on his or her expected responsibility or tries to pass it on to others is that not only do things no Chapter 24: Passing the Responsibility Buck What Should Ron Do?Here are some possibilities. In Ron's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Tell Tony he's responsible for getting paid and getting the orders, and explain why so he understands. Tell Tony you're too busy to help him now and suggest how he can better take care of these matters for himself. Quietly take over Tony's responsibilities for now, since it doesn't take too much time or effort to do so. Do what Tony has asked to date, but have a conversation with him about future arrangements, so it's clear who's responsible for what. Other? In this case, a confrontational approach really wasn't the best one. Sure, Tony was not being fully responsible, since he should be taking care of his own invoices, payments, and orders. Even though Tony had gotten the assignment through Ron, that's where Ron's responsibility ended, much as if Ron had recommended a person for a job, who was then hired by another company to do Today's Take-Aways: Don't pass on the responsibility buck if it's in your own wallet.Rather, hold onto the bucks you have, and you'll find a greater payoff in the future. If someone tries to pass a responsibility buck onto you, consider whether it's worth taking or not; then take it on if it's worth it to you. Sometimes it's best to view taking on someone's responsibilities as providing an extra service or courtesy. When you feel resentment about taking on someone else's re-sponsibility, consider how much they may appreciate it if you take it on and the possible conflict that can result if you don't do something. In other words, what's the cost of doing something versus the cost of doing nothing? When you weigh and balance them together, that's what counts. Chapter 25: Get Out While You Can Overview Commonly, at the beginning of any new project or deal, you hope for the best and enthusiastically look forward to start working. You want to believe your teammates or partners feel the same, and you're open to giving someone the benefit of the doubt should problems develop. In fact, you may not even see these initial difficulties as problems—rather they are start-up "challenges," and you hope to do all you can to promote progress. Usually, that's the spirit to keep involvement, commitment, and motivation high. After all, if you start into something new with a huge dose of skepticism, you'll hold back, not get much done, and put a damper on everyone's spirits. Yet, at the same time, keep an eye open for truly serious problems that are signs the project or deal is in trouble. That's when it pays to surface those issues, see if they can be resolved, and halt or even end the arrangement. In other words, proceed with enthusiasm, yet carefully obser Chapter 25: Get Out While You Can What Should Delores Do? Here are some possibilities. In Delores's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Call a halt to the arrangement early on when Jacob seeks to change the agreement. He isn't sufficiently valuing your own contribution. Agree that Jacob's request is reasonable and the fair thing to do. Discuss Jacob's initial request to change the arrangement more fully and work out a more detailed understanding of who is doing what. Insist on keeping the original agreement, even if that means ending the partnership at the outset. After all, a deal is a deal. Give Jacob the benefit of the doubt on his offer, since he has a clearer understanding of how much work will be involved in the future. Agree to the change, since you did do the work in the past and he's contributing the work to the partnership now and in the future. Agree to the 50–50 split, but tell Jacob he can't ask you to do more, and get out if he insists. Oth Today's Take-Aways: If someone tries to change an agreement claiming fairness, ask yourself what's fair from your point of view, not just his or hers. It can be fine to change the rules when circumstances change.But don't let anyone use a rule change as a way to put you at an increasing disadvantage. Approach any new opportunity with enthusiasm and commit-ment, along with a dose of wait-and-see observation, so you can figure out if the changes really are reasonable and fair, and be ready to raise questions if you think they're not. Be both participant and observer, believer and skeptic, so you can keep your balance should things start to go wrong. If you encounter someone who nibbles, it could be a rat. The longer you stay in a trap, the weaker you'll get; so once you start to feel you are being drawn into a trap, get out then and there. When you start to get too dependent on someone, that's thetime to step back and declare your independence. This way you turn your dependence into Inde Chapter 26: When Help Turns into Help!!!—Get Me Out of This Overview Sometimes the help that seems so useful can turn into more of a hindrance when someone tries to help too much. Then, rather than being helped and guided, you can feel controlled and led. The process can occur very gradually, and the path from help to hell can be paved with good intentions. But the net result is you end up feeling trapped and just want to get away. The trap seems so enticing in the beginning— you feel like you're getting a great tasting treat. However, in time, the helper turns into the hunter and you become their prey. That's what happened to Marvin after he joined a company's training department. He began working on developing a training program for the customer service department, which had recently set up a call center with customer service reps in different areas of the country. His job was to create an online series of classes that these reps could access to learn what to do. His supervisor, Ann, Chapter 26: When Help Turns into Help!!!—Get Me Out of This What Should Marvin Do?Here are some possibilities. In Marvin's place, what would you have done or do now and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Talk to Ann when she returns, tell her about the problem, and ask her what to do. Have a heart-to-heart talk with Fred to tell him that you are uncomfortable with his continued help and find out why he has been going out of the way to help you so much. Tell Fred you appreciate his past help but feel you know what you are doing now, so you don't need any more help, without going into detail to explain why. Let Fred continue to give advice, but don't take it, so he soon gets the message you don't need any more help. Avoid talking to Fred as much as possible, and eventually he'll stop offering suggestions, so the problem will eventually go away. Other? Marvin may have many reasonable options, but his goal should be to end getting the no longer wanted or needed help from Fred as diplomatically and gracefully as Today's Take-Aways: Don't let help turn into hell!!! If you feel someone is helping too much find a gentle way to say thanks for then, but now no thanks. When someone tries to help you too much, he or she could have a multitude of reasons, but you don't need to know them—and often it is better not to know or try to find out. Think of help like a lifeline—it's great when you need it, since it can pull you out of a tight spot. But if the lifeline gets too long, it can turn into a rope that can strangle you. Too much help can turn into a trap that keeps you stuck and dependent on the helper, who can becomes like a captor or jailor. So if you fall into the trap or see it closing in on you, get out as quickly as you can. Leave the palace before it turns into a prison; turn the knob on the door to leave before the handle comes off or you lose the key. Part V: Capturing and Keeping the Job Chapter List Chapter 27: Beating the Recommendation Game Overview A big problem today is getting recommendations, especially when the company you have worked for is no longer in business or the person you worked for has moved on. In high-tech towns this is a particularly critical problem, because so many companies have disappeared and so many layers of supervisors have collapsed like a house of cards, leaving no one around to give a referral. Even when companies and personnel are stable, getting recommendations can still be like prying information out of a locked vault, because so many employers have become recommendation shy, so they will say little more than dates of employment, job title, and possible salary. Why? Because if they say anything negative, even if true, they fear they could be sued by the employee who is looking for a job. Or if they don't say anything negative and the employee messes up on the new job, they could be sued by the new employer for giving a recommendation that contribu Chapter 27: Beating the Recommendation Game What Should Susan Do?Here are some possibilities. In Susan's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Make such a good impression with your resume and other references that a recommendation from this elusive employer doesn't matter. Find someone else other than your supervisor on your previous job who can give you a reference. In lieu of a reference, offer to work on probation for a day or two so your prospective employer can see how good you are. Get general letters of reference before you leave a job—and even offer to write up a letter for your boss's review. Take some stationery before you leave the job and write up your own reference if your former boss is gone, since he can't be found and this is what he would have said anyway. Collect together anything you can—from reference letters on previous jobs to awards and citations—that show what a great job you have done for others, even if you can't get this particular referen Today's Take-Aways: If you come up against one closed door, look for another doorthat will open. If references won't work, find an alternative that will. Getting references is like getting sodas from a vending machine. If you can't get one soda, try another—and maybe it'll taste just fine or even better. Don't let getting no references get you "NOs." Instead, findother types of references to turns all these "NOs" into "YESs." Keep an organized file or library of files of anything you might use to show your credentials. Then, you're always ready when you need to do an office show and tell. Chapter 28: Knowing When to Back Off—Don't Push a Negotiation Too Far Overview Sometimes it's better to back away and take what you have, rather than trying to ask for more. Even if you aren't sure you have made the best possible deal, a deal may be better than no deal. Pushing your luck can push a good deal right off the table. That's particularly so when you make a deal after extended negotiations and later remember what you forgot to ask for or face an unexpected contingency. It may be better simply to back off, though you think your request for more is only fair. But the other party may suddenly see you as a difficult person to deal with since you are making still another request; hence the end of the deal. You might compare this situation to the "nibble" in a real estate or other sales negotiations. You think you have reached an agreement, when the other party comes back with an "Oh, by the way," then asks for a little bit more. You may feel angry and want to walk off, and sometim Chapter 28: Knowing When to Back Off—Don't Push a Negotiation Too Far What Should Sidney Do? Here are some possibilities. In Sidney's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Turn down the contract in the first place, since you aren't being offered enough and are certain to be resentful. Quietly do the project on your own time and not mention it, since it was just a small project, no big deal. Ask a lawyer to contact the company president for you, rather than sending an e-mail, to support your claim that you already had a contract for the job. Ask for an extra week to arrange your affairs before relocating to do the job, and complete the project during that extra week. Be relieved you didn't get the job and look for another, since you otherwise would be working for an unreasonable company in an unfamiliar place. Other? Unfortunately, Sidney did the one thing he probably shouldn't—he pushed an already tense negotiation just a little too far. He sent the HR director another e-mail pointing out th Today's Take-Aways: If you can't get everything you want, sometimes it may be better to take what you can get—without asking for more. Being a hard bargainer can turn into being a bad bargainer when asking for more becomes asking for too much. Watch out that a little nibble doesn't turn out to be the last bite that blows the deal. Thoroughly think through all your requests before you makethem, so you don't find yourself wanting to ask for more later. Ask for everything you reasonably want in the beginning, since you can always pull back some of your requests later—as long as you don't ask for TOO much to kill the deal in the first place. Just like medicine, it goes down more easily when you take it in one gulp. When you ask for more later, it's like making someone have to take some more spoonfuls of medicine after she has put away the spoon and thinks she doesn't have to take anymore. Chapter 29: What to Do When Everything Seems to Be Going Wrong Overview Have you had those days when everything seems to be going wrong? It's like having the Midas touch in reverse—instead of things turning to gold, you touch them and they turn to lead. Such experiences not only leave us feeling upset and frustrated, they also make us start reflecting: Why is this happening? What am I doing wrong? Who could be doing this to me? And so on. The process is a little like what we as a nation are now going through as so many things are going wrong in our national life—from dot.com crashes to the continuing economic doldrums to the increasing instability on the international scene. Apart from the various military and security measures our country is taking recent events have triggered a time of deep national reflection. What do you do when a series of reverses happens at work or in your life generally—or both? For instance, Sharon, a business consultant, had a series of problems on a day that Chapter 29: What to Do When Everything Seems to Be Going Wrong What Should Sharon Do? Here are some possibilities. In Sharon's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Take some time to meditate to relax and get more centered, so you do everything you are already doing—but only better and with less stress. Take a short weekend vacation to feel renewed and recharged— then the problem should go away. Take some time to reflect on what went wrong and why, so you can correct it. Turn to others for more help, so you can turn over some of your extra responsibilities to them. Examine what's most important to you, so you can do less, but more effectively, since you will have more time and energy. Other? Sharon's experience led her to spend some time thinking about what she had been doing, and wondering what she should change. As a result of this self-examination, she came to realize that she was overcommitted. She was doing too much, so she was continually rushing to get from one assignment to an Today's Take-Aways: Is everything suddenly going wrong? Ask yourself why. When everything starts going wrong, start thinking about what you can do to make it go right. Look on a series of bad experiences as a time to reflect andmake changes, based on your insights about what these experiences are telling you. Chapter 30: When to Keep Your Cards to Yourself Overview The problem of inflated and fraudulent resumes is widely discussed today. According to estimates reported in the media, about a third of all resumes have false information and a third have exaggerations that misrepresent the truth. Sure, these deceptions may get you the job, and many people have gone on to great things once they are in the company and show their work. A prime example is the story of David Geffen, now one of the most powerful figures in Hollywood, who got his start in the William Morris mailroom with a false resume. But increasingly in today's info-age, these lies are exposed and people lose jobs, from high-profile coaches and historians to people in everyday jobs. Even U.C. Berkeley's business school cracked down with background checks on MBA candidates; they found that five of them had listed jobs they hadn't had, and dropped them from their roster of accepted students. So given the ease of background searching Chapter 30: When to Keep Your Cards to Yourself What Should Joyce Do?Here are some possibilities. In Joyce's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Provide a good explanation for the problems that came up on her previous job; a potential employer will appreciate her forth- rightness and candor. Describe how skilled she is at writing things down to compensate for her difficulty in learning new information; an employer will like someone who is commited to detail and accuracy. Leave the information about her problems on her internship off her resume and letter, since she completed the internship to graduate, and the issue will probably not come up. Say nothing about her problems with learning new information and compensating for it by writing things down, since employers are not supposed to ask about disabilities. Be ready to answer any questions about her weaknesses, should they come up, but otherwise, not volunteer any information. Other? Fortunately, Joyce hadn't yet sen Today's Take-Aways: Build on and show off your strengths to both build up your own confidence and others' confidence in you. Don't advertise weaknesses unless you can turn them into strengths—such as trying harder like Avis, because you're number 2. Don't worry that a person on a previous job will raise a conflict he had with you. Most likely he won't raise the issue, since he wants to keep these past problems private as much as you do. If your weaknesses aren't going to interfere with your doing the job, there's no need to bring them up. To get a job, show how you can do it; don't offer up reasons why maybe you can't. Think of your weaknesses like your underwear; there's no needto show them off unless you have a good reason to take off your suit or dress. Chapter 31: Watch Out for Warning Signs Overview Sometimes there are early signs that things aren't going to work out, if only you recognize them or take them seriously. If you see them soon enough, you might use them as a sign it's now time to get out or make changes, if you can. Or at least use them to feel better about whatever happened, so you don't get caught up blaming yourself or others when something at work doesn't work out. Think of these signs as warnings. Take note of them, if only to put them on a shelf in your mind as a signal to pay special attention that there may be problems ahead. If there are, you are forewarned, though you may not be able to do anything about them at the time. But afterward, you might use these signs to help better understand what went wrong, notice organizational problems, or show why you don't want to take a particular job or work with a particular group. That's what happened to Alan when he went to an introductory training session for a new job. Chapter 31: Watch Out for Warning Signs What Should Alan Have Done? Here are some possibilities. In Alan's place, what would you have done and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Learn more about the sales program before taking the trip for the training; if the project director can't tell you more, don't go. Ask to take the flight with a longer connection time, and turn down the job if the project director won't make the change. That's a sign the employer is likely to take advantage of employees and doesn't think through the likely consequences of his or her actions. Cancel the trip once the flight is delayed, because it's likely you won't be able to make the connections—or even if you do, consider the delay a warning sign that maybe you shouldn't take the job. Ask for introductions and an update after arriving late, because you can't properly do a role play when you don't know your role. Tell Danny that he is requiring more of the sales management people than expected, and therefore you Today's Take-Aways: If you encounter a setup where future problems or failures arelikely, don't walk onto the set. Or if you do walk on, walk off as soon as you can. To see the warning signs of future difficulties, watch for them on the road ahead—just like you do when you look for signs when driving. It's easy to miss the signs of problems if you're moving ahead too fast. So slow down and take more time to look around to make sure of a clear path ahead. Even experts may not see the signs that they have created a setup for failure; so look for the signs yourself. The more signs of problems you see, the more it's time to sign off. Signs are like smoke signals that indicate where there's smokethere's fire and the possibility of a conflagration—or a whole lot of trouble—ahead. Chapter 32: Don't Resign Yourself—Redesign Yourself Overview In today's climate of dot.com and high-tech layoffs, many people are running scared. People are afraid that the next job axe may fall on them; that the next business cutback will chop off their clients. Still other changes and readjustments in the workplace are due to more and more cross-cultural diversity across and within departments. Thus, this fast pace of change may leave you breathless and hoping for more stability, and your hopes to redesign your current job around your current skills may not work either. For some people, such developments are demoralizing. They see the writing on the wall that looks like "Up and out!" But you don't have to resign yourself to becoming one more statistic in the turbulent new economy. Instead, think how you can redesign yourself to create a new improved future for yourself. Like the chameleon, be ready to change your colors as the environment shifts around you. I received several e-mails Chapter 32: Don't Resign Yourself—Redesign Yourself What Should Jackie Do?Here are some possibilities. In Jackie's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Ask her employer to supply a translator, since it's not her responsibility to learn a new language; the immigrants are supposed to learn English. Find another job where the clients do speak English. Ask her supervisor to give her time off and cover the costs of any training if she needs to learn Spanish, since this is extra work, not part of her original work agreement. Speak to an employment attorney about preserving her rights to keep her job or gain compensation, if she is unfairly terminated because she shouldn't be required to learn Spanish. Other? Probably the first step, should she want to stay on the job, is obvious—learn Spanish to communicate better not only with the clients but also with the other staffers. She also needed to recognize that this wasn't a job she could easily redesign, say by dividing up her tasks Today's Take-Aways: Once you redesign yourself, you don't have to resign yourself. The change from "resign" to "redesign" is just two letters, but there's a world of difference when you add them—like adding spice to the soup. Think of yourself as your own "redesign director"—you justneed to bring together the right skills and right team to make your redesign work. Chapter 33: Be a Problem Solver—Theirs, Not Yours Overview Keeping up in today's competitive and fast changing work environment can be a problem, especially when you have to keep learning new skills and strategies and fear your job or business could be the next to go. Some people even start thinking grievance or lawsuit when they find that the promises made to them when they are first hired by a struggling or downsizing company have not been kept. Or they feel they are unfairly marked for an early termination or retirement, perhaps because they are earning more, are older, or have been more recently hired. Whatever the reason for the problem, a good way to think about it—and help you keep your job or business—is to see the situation not as your problem, but as their problem. Then, think about how you can help them solve it. After all, if you turn yourself into the answer to their problems, you may find the answer to your own. I received an e-mail from a man—let's call him Henry—who was Chapter 33: Be a Problem Solver—Theirs, Not Yours What Should Henry Do?Here are some possibilities. In Henry's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Write to the home office and explain the reasons you should be hired again, such as knowing the company and the territory very well. Contact an employment lawyer to negotiate for getting your job back or face an age discrimination suit. Learn more about the company and its problems and suggest some solutions that you can provide, if you are back on the job. Offer to get some additional training, even if you have to foot the bill yourself, to show how deeply motivated you are. Offer to work for less or agree to a trial probationary period to show what you can do. Other? What should Henry do? Ideally, he wanted his old job back, but he was also wondering if he had the basis of a lawsuit because of age discrimination or the insulting way he had been fired. My advice to Henry—or to anyone in a similar situation—is to forget the l Today's Take-Aways: To solve a problem at work, try looking at it from a different perspective—theirs, not yours. Turn your problems into opportunities by thinking of new ways to solve them with your employer's needs in mind. Look for the "probe" in "problems, and then probe for solutions to someone else's problems, not your own, to make yourself an essential part of the solution. Chapter 34: Dealing with the Boss from Hell Overview Tyrants may eventually inspire revolts or the intervention of outside sympathetic third parties to overthrow them—as in the toppling of Saddam in Iraq. But the process doesn't often work that way in the workplace, when you have a tyrannical boss who calls the shots. He or she is fully in power—the owner of the company or in charge with the support of the top executives and board. Should you seek to foment workplace rebellion, you are likely to be quickly out of the company, unless you are able to muster the support of others who feel similarly mistreated. So besides leaving the job and seeking the best recommendation you can get as you go out the door, what do you do if, aside from the boss, you like the job or really need it? How do you handle your uncomfortable and hurt feelings? That's what happened to May, when she landed her first job out of grad school doing research for a business consulting company that provided clients with Chapter 34: Dealing with the Boss from Hell What Should May Do?Here are some possibilities. In May's place, what would you have done or do now and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be? Forget the job and career advancement opportunities. You've got to get out and get out fast for your own sanity. Take Mildred's messages to heart, even if she is abrasive and hard to work with. Maybe you really do have communication problems, and you have to listen more carefully. Don't take what Mildred has said personally. Just listen, acknowledge what she has said, and agree you will do better. Then, keep on working as best you can. Ask Mildred to have some personal time with her to express your feelings about how she has been unfairly berating you. Find a way to relax and release the tensions you have experienced after a brow-beating from Mildred; then try to focus on the work at hand. Talk to higher-ups in the company or speak to other employees who feel as you do, and try to organize a group protest to high Today's Take-Aways: If you really want to keep your job despite a tyrannical boss, find ways to go along to get along, so later you can better get out when the going is good. If you've got to get along in a difficult situation, find ways torelax and relieve stress, so you are better able to get along. In other words, if you have to stay on the path, clear out the rocks along the way to create a smoother place to walk. Just like real-world tyrants, tyrannical bosses are looking for people to say "yes." So learn to say "yes," "yes," and "yes." Think of saying "yes" as the way to survive and keep your head, as long as you have to work with this tyrant. Then learn what you can, so you can flee the regime on better terms when you have a good opportunity to move on. Part VI: Putting It Together Chapter List Chapter 35: Mastering Your Survival Skills Overview As the stories in the previous chapters have illustrated, it not always easy to figure out what to do in a different situation—and there are many possible alternatives. Even if you choose what seems to be an optimal course of action at the time, you may not have all the facts or information you need; you may be hampered by faulty assumptions you can't check; you may have to choose between alternatives before you feel ready; you may be constrained by time and budget limits. Then, too, your personality and that of others you are dealing with affects what the best approach might be, as does the influence of your organizational culture, personal and organization priorities, and other factors. The "What Should You Do?" questions in each chapter reflect this range of possibilities, and while some may be obviously wrong choices, others could be real options. Thus, while I have provided suggestions on what to do, what someone should have done Chapter 35: Mastering Your Survival Skills A Toolbox of Techniques for Thinking About and Improving Relationships at WorkA few metaphors for thinking about these different techniques is to think of them as a set of tools in a toolbox, a collection of healing plants in a garden, or a selection of software for carry out different tasks. Whatever the metaphor, these are basically a repertoire of techniques you can draw on separately or together to help you better understand what's going on and what to do about it. The tools in this repertoire include: Visualizing Possible Options and Outcomes Visualization or mental imaging is an extremely powerful way of looking at a situation. Essentially, you see it like a series of photos or a film or stage play occurring in your mind's eye. You get a clear picture of what is happening now and then visualize what might happen in the future, based on what actions you take now. As you do, you can either see the situation play out in one or more ways, based on the different actions you take, or y Putting It All TogetherWhen it comes to dealing with any specific situation, any and all of the above factors can come into play. Here I have presented a brief synopsis of how these factors play a part, though each element could be a book in itself—from those I have written myself to the great many books by other authors. To me, these techniques are like different tools to use in figuring out what to do when different issues, problems, or conflicts arise, such as described in this book. Obviously, the number of situations is infinite. The stories highlighted here are just some of the many situations that occur day to day in the workplace. In some cases, you may find parallels with incidents you have faced yourself; in other cases, even if the situations are different, the ways of resolving them are methods you might use in other contexts. Or these situations or methods of dealing with them might resonate for someone you know. In any event, think of these stories much like modern-day wo What Are the Major Techniques for Working It Right?Here are the major techniques to use. How do you think you might use them individually and together and with what results? Can you think of other techniques you might use, too? Visualizing possible options and outcomes. Using visualization for goal setting, preparation, and planning. Doing what's practical through weighing the positives and negatives. Using the E-R-I Model for resolving conflicts. Considering different ethical approaches to resolve ethical issues. Clearing up communications. Checking out assumptions by getting the facts. Knowing how to deal with difficult personalities. Understanding how to play the political game in the workplace. Other? Today's Take-Aways: While there's no perfectly "right" way to work it right, you can improve your chances of coming up with a good choice or solution. Think of the different work it right techniques as part of a tool kit; the more you use the tools, the faster and better you can use them. Visualizing or mental imaging is a great way to imagine possible options and outcomes. To make your goals really clear, see them in your mind; then visualize what you need to do to make your goals a reality. Whether envisioning the big picture or the day-to-day strate-gizing of office politics, keep it practical with a cost–benefit or pro–con analysis. Got a conflict to resolve? Try the tripartite E-R-I model whereyou first get the emotions out of the way, next use your reason to understand what's going on, and then call on your intuition to come up with ideas on what to do and chose what's right for you. Facing an ethical dilemma? Consider the different values, attitudes, styles, and orientations tha Chapter 36: What's Your Survival Quotient? A Self-Assessment Quiz Overview How well do you "work it right?" How good is your "workplace survivability" with other humans? This Workplace Survival Quiz will help find your "Workplace Survival Quotient" by rating yourself and others on some of the major ways of working with others that will lead to better relationships and success in the workplace. The 25 questions are based on the major topics covered in The Survival Guide to Working with Humans. Rate how well you think you do in each area; then total your score. Answer as honestly as you can, since honesty and trust are essential in working well with others. If you don't answer honestly—well, that's an immediate flunk, though only you will know. But then, when things start going wrong for you at work—that's a sign you're working it wrong! Once you do that, your ability to survive in working with other humans goes down, down, down. The lower your workplace survivability, the lower your cha Chapter 36: What's Your Survival Quotient? A Self-Assessment Quiz RATING (FROM 0–4) Office Politics ________ I know how to be diplomatic and tactful, and when to be forceful and when to retreat. ________ I have a good sense of the different players in the office game, their relative power, and how to play with them. Change ________ I'm ready to change and adapt myself to the times, including changing in response to the needs and demands in the workplace. ________ I know what not to change, such as key principles, values, and promises, and I don't change those. Relationships ________ I'm aware of the differences in personality, values, interests, and cultures of different people, and I adapt the way I relate to them accordingly. ________ I like to be helpful and supportive of others, and consider their interests and needs as well as my own. Communication ________ I make it a point to communicate clearly, concisely, say what I mean, and check that others have gotten my message. ________ I make it a point to listen and understand what others say, and I THE RATING SYSTEM Think of this like a flight report as you fly through the sometimes friendly and not so friendly work skies. It's a guide to how well you will survive when you work with all types of humans—whether natives or visitors, insiders or outsiders, friends or foes. Then, use the results to help you increase your "Workplace Survivability" score or "Workplace Survival Quotient" by improving where you are weak, so you don't merely survive but thrive. 90+ = Are you really sure? You could be cheating or delusional. If not, great job. You're a Master Pilot and really know how to survive and really thrive with all kinds of humans. 80–89 = High flyer and thriver. You are great to work with most of the time. 70–79 = Some clouds and turbulence ahead. You can expect problems, but will usually recover and pull through. So you've got a fairly good chance of survival. 60–69 = Stormy weather. Things aren't looking good. Consider returning to recheck your flight plan and look fo

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