[Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into... 01] • Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into History by Bathroom Readers' Institute -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Uncle John’s

BATHROOM READER®

PLUNGES INTO HISTORY

CONTENTS INTRODUCTION HEAR ABOUT THE BIG BANG?

HUH? THE MAN WHO HEARD THE BANG HERE’S WHAT IT SAYS WILL THE UNIVERSE GO AWAY? THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION THAT DOUGHNUT’S NOT FOR DUNKIN’

LADY KILLER

BACK IN THE SIXTIES THE KING IS DEAD LONG LIVE THE QUEEN WITH A VENGEANCE THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK QUAINT BRITISH POSTSCRIPT

A POX ON YOUR HOUSE

GERM WARFARE SHIP OF DEATH A PLAGUE IN EVERY PORT NOT A VERY GOOD YEAR THE TOLL YOU DIRTY RATS! AIRBORNE GERMS ABSOLUTE CHAOS THE PERKS: THERE WERE QUITE A FEW THE PLAGUE RETURNS

CANADA’S RED BARON

SNOOPY’S FOREBEARS BORN TO FLY LIFE WITH FATHER SAVED BY THE KAISER FROM COWBOY TO FLYBOY BILLY’S BEST BILLY LAYS A BOMB BILLY GETS HIMSELF ANOTHER WAR BILLY UP TO THE BAR

WEAR COMPUTERS CAME FROM

A WARPED CHILDHOOD PROGRESS LOOMS ON THE HORIZON MATHEMATICAL DUMMKOPFS A CALCULATED EFFORT A HOLE NEW WAY TO COUNT HEADS WHAT LOOMS AHEAD?

WHITE GUYS WITH SMALL HEADS DIDN’T INVENT THE BANJO

BAD PRESS FOR THE BANJO PINHEADS NEED NOT APPLY AFRICAN ROOTS WITH STRINGS ATTACHED CLAWHAMMER STYLE THE MINSTREL SHOW

THE MAKING OF A MARATHON

ADVANTAGE, PERSIA OVER HILL, OVER DALE FOUR-STAR GENERAL THE THRILL OF VICTORY MODERN MARATHON SCANDALS AND THE WINNER IS. . .DEAD?

THE FISH THAT BEAT NAPOLEON

HYDE HIDES FROM NELSON NELSON FINDS SOMETHING FISHY HYDE STOPS HIDING THE (FISH) SCALES TILT AGAINST THE FRENCH NO ONE KNEW THE NEWS

THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: COLONIALISM

trek commando commandeer fed up khaki washout concentration camps apartheid MORE FALLOUT FROM COLONIALISM

I LOVE A CRUSADE

THE GUY WHO STARTED IT HEY, DID YOU BRING THE MAP? THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE THOSE DARN CRUSADERS BACK TO YOU, PETER A MAJOR DISASTER IN ASIA MINOR A (SORT OF) HAPPY ENDING APOCALYPSE 968

WITHOUT A LEG TO STAND ON

REMEMBER THE ALAMO? EL PRESIDENTE SIESTA TIME THE FRENCH PASTRY WAR ENTER THE LEG FIESTA TIME ATTACK . . . ON THE LEG GOOD RIDDANCE! ON THE FRONT LINES SANTA ANNA LOSES HIS LEG—AGAIN “THE LEG I LEFT BEHIND ME” THE REST OF SANTA ANNA WHERE IS SANTA ANNA’S LEG? STAIRWAYS TO HEAVEN

7 WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD

1. THE GREAT PYRAMID AT GIZA 2. THE HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON 3. THE TEMPLE OF ARTEMIS AT EPHESUS 4. THE STATUE OF ZEUS 5. THE MAUSOLEUM AT HALICARNASSUS 6. THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES 7. THE LIGHTHOUSE OF ALEXANDRIA AND THE WINNERS ARE: OTHER WONDERS

WHEN READERS MOVED THEIR LIPS

STORY TIME DIRTY BOOKS

DIGITIZED HISTORY

Age of Empires II: Age of Kings Railroad Tycoon II Rowan’s Battle of Britain Shogun: Total War Sid Meier’s Gettysburg!

BETTER LIVING THROUGH ALCHEMY

PREMISES, PREMISES HERE’S HOW IT’S DONE WHAT DID THEY KNOW? WEREN’T THEY A ROCK GROUP? WHEN THE MOON IS IN THE SEVENTH HOUSE WHAT A LOT OF BOLOS MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING SOME OF OUR BEST MINDS SOLID GOLD FEVER IT’S NOW OR NEVER NOBODY LIVES FOREVER BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY THINKING JUNG DUMB AND DUMBER NERO FIDDLES AS ROME BURNS, RIGHT? WRONG.

SHOOT ON A SHINGLE

THE TITANIC WAS ADVERTISED AS UNSINKABLE?

WORLD’S GREATEST HOAXES, PLUS ONE

THE COTTINGLEY FAIRIES THE CARDIFF GIANT P.T. BARNUM’S “FEEJEE” MERMAID WILLARD, THE “TALKING” DONKEY THE GIRL WHO BORE RABBITS SIR WALTER RALEIGH LAYS DOWN HIS COAT—NOT! Which is our hoax?

POPE-POURRI

AND THEN THERE WERE THREE DAMNED IF YOU DO WELCOME TO MY CAVE NOTABLE PAPAL DEATHS RANDOM PAPAL FACTS A NEIGHBOR’S HERBAL TEA

MOTHER GOOSED

MURDER AND MAYHEM SHE WAS FRENCH? THE GOOSE DEBATE WAS THERE A REAL MOTHER GOOSE? HUNTING THE GOOSE THE GOOSE MIGRATES

BUCCANEER BABES

ANNE BONNY MARY READ CHENG I SAO GRACE O’MALLEY

THE MONGOL HORDE

THE DIFFERENCE WHOSE VERSION OF HISTORY? GONE WITH THE YAK’S MILK HIS START IN THE INVADING BUSINESS MURDER, PILLAGE, AND MORE THE BABY-EATING RUMOR WHAT MADE THEM SO GOOD WHAT THEY WEREN’T SO GOOD AT HANG ‘EM HIGH

HOW SHORT WAS NAPOLEON?

NOT YOUR AVERAGE PARISIAN THE SHORT MAN ON THE TEAM WHERE IT ALL STARTED P.S. THE HAND INSIDE THE SHIRT

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (His Closet) THE CODE OF HAMMURABI

LAYING DOWN THE LAW LET THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIMINAL OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! WHICH WAY DID THEY GO? MINOR OFFENSES TRY AND PROVE IT! THEY DON’T CALL IT BABYLON FOR NOTHING HOW WE KNOW ALL THIS THE EVIL KIMONO

A HAIR PIECE

LOOK MUMMY, NO HAIR! HEY, SHORTY! WIGGING OUT WHEN FASHION WAS IN FLOUR AU NATURAL HAIR TO DIE FOR

POLES APART

GOIN’ SOUTH RALLY ‘ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS GREAT SCOTT! TRAGIC ENDING SNAIL MAIL DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCKY UNDERWEAR?

BREAKING THE CODE: CRYPTANALYSIS

A REALLY SERIOUS HISTORY OF THE SUBJECT ARABIAN KNOW-HOW YANKEE INGENUITY ULTRA-COOL WHAT BOMBS? NOT A POLISH JOKE HOW TERRIBLY BRITISH DO THE MATH BEATEN TO THE PUNCHCARD THE REAL SECRET IT’S A SMALL WORLD

PROVEN WRONG BY HISTORY: PART I CATCHER, LAWYER, LINGUIST, SPY

THE SHORTSTOP WHO SPOKE LATIN STRIKING OUT IN ANY LANGUAGE ALL-STAR SPY JAPANESE MOVIES THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM LEFT FIELD DROP THAT GUN! ASSIGNMENT TO KILL COOL AS AN ICE-BERG WHEW! THANKS, BUT NO THANKS STILL A FAN JUST PLAIN LEONARDO

PORT-A-FORTRESS

A WELL-OILED MACHINE INSTANT CITY CAMP SWEET CAMP DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP SOUP’S ON! UP THROUGH THE RANKS, AND DOWN ON THE ROAD AGAIN WORTH THE TROUBLE?

PEDDLING PRICEY PETALS

WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD POTTED SHOW-OFFS DIM BULBS TRADE IN LONDON GETTING BACK TO THEIR ROOTS THE VAST VASELAND THE DEVIL WITH HORSESHOES

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

THE MAN THE MACHINE HIS ‘N’ HERS EXECUTIONS His: King Louis XVI Louis’ Big Day A Royal Pain in the Neck Hers: Marie Antoinette The Queen’s Last Outfit EVERYONE ELSE’S EXECUTIONS Postscripts:

DEADLY AS MOLASSES IN JANUARY

THE FIRST SIGNS MOLASSES IN JANUARY THE BLOB AMAZING RESCUE STICKY DOOM MOLASSES SWALLOWS PEOPLE THE RESCUE PUMPING IRONY

WHAT’S SO BIG ABOUT WAGNER?

HIS STYLE HIS IMPACT HIS OPUS HIS SHOWMANSHIP HIS EXTRAVAGANCE HIS SELF-INDULGENCE HIS WIFE HIS BIG BREAK

DIRTY SECRETS IN THE HISTORY OF HYGIENE (Part I): MAN ON THE CAN

“WHAT’S NEW, MAXIMUS?” MEANWHILE, BACK HOME RENDER UNTO CAESAR. . . TAKE ME TO THE RIVER AFTER THE FALL GET THAT S—OUT OF HERE! “HEADS UP,” IN FRENCH WHY NO ONE SWAM THE CASTLE MOAT THEY LAUGHED WHEN I SAT DOWN CHAMBER POTS OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS THOSE ZANY VICTORIANS! THE AMERICAN SCENE ENTER THOMAS CRAPPER HAND ME THAT SEARS CATALOG!

BEING A NOSY PARKER

HE-E-E-RE’S NOSY! REGARDING HENRY VIII UNDER MARY, THEN ELIZABETH LIVING UP TO HIS NAME BUT NOSY LIVES ON

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (The Bathroom) THE LONGBOW: NOT FOR SISSIES

THE DAWN OF THE EMPIRE THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT A MANLY MAN’S WEAPON ATTACHED AT THE HIP THE LONGBOW IN ACTION 80 YEARS OF LESSONS. . . 1. The Battle of Crécy 2. The Battle of Poitiers 3. The Battle of Agincourt 3a. The Set-Up 3b. The Massacre THE LONGBOW’S LAST FLING

AN 1844 FLIGHT OVER THE ATLANTIC? WHO SAID SO!

THE SUN WAS HOT THE BALLOON BURSTS WHODUNNIT? WHY-DUNNIT? HE DUNNIT AGAIN ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON

THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: IN THE TRENCHES

in the trenches digging in foxhole trench coat trench mouth shell shock screaming-meemies over the top no-man’s-land tripwire various (now politically incorrect) names for the enemy GAS ATTACK

IS THIS THE SMELL OF PROGRESS?

AROMAS TO DIE FOR A ROTTEN IDEA STINKS THAT BOMBED THREE STINKS, YOU’RE OUT! NOSING OUT THE ENEMY POT SHOTS

MESMERIZED

ANIMAL MAGNETISM 101 A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY THE TOAST OF PARIS GETS BURNED GETTING “PUYSGURIZED” “YOU’RE FEELING SLEEPY. . .”

SHE WAS ONLY A PHARAOH’S DAUGHTER

TEEN QUEEN LUST AT FIRST SIGHT CRUISIN’ I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAN! WHEN IN ROME A NEW RENDEZVOUS CLEO WIMPS OUT CLEO WIMPS OUT AGAIN ALL IS LOST THE LAST OF THE RED-HOT PHARAOHS

THE REAL COUNT DRACULA

ENTER THE DRAGON THE LITTLE PRINCE TOUGH TURKEY ENTER THE WHITE KNIGHT THE UPSTART LOVELY DOWNTOWN WALLACHIA AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY IMPALER THE END. . .?

THE HAMILTON AFFAIR

THE GREAT PATRIOT THE GREAT PATRIOT AND THE OTHER WOMAN. . . . . .AND THE OTHER WOMAN’S HUSBAND THE GREAT PATRIOT AND A COUPLE OF SCAMMERS THE GREAT PATRIOT WASN’T OUT OF IT AFTER ALL THE GREAT PATRIOT LEARNS THAT POLITICS AND SECRETS DON’T MIX “I AM NOT A CROOK” WHAT ABOUT BETSY?

THE DREYFUS AFFAIR, AND NO, IT’S NOT A SEX SCANDAL

THE OBVIOUS CHOICE A ONE-WAY TRIP TO DEVIL’S ISLAND MERCI, I NEEDED THAT THE SPYING ISN’T DYING WELL, EXCUSEZ-MOI! A MAJOR PLAYER A MAJOR UPSET OH, NO, YOU DON’T! DREYFUS WAS FRAMED! NO, HE WAS NOT’! AFTER THE AFFAIR THE ARMY IS DEFEATED

MAKEUP TO DIE FOR

VENETIAN CERUSE SOLIMAN’S WATER BELLADONNA PERMANENT RED OF FUCUS, a.k.a. FACEPAINT DIRTY ROTTEN ROYALS

HITLER THE BUM

THE LOSER THE HOUSEPAINTER THE ARTIST THE SPEECH MAKER THE WAR HERO THE LITTLE TRAMP THE MONSTER WHY WAS IT CALLED THE 3RD REICH? Did you know that Hitler. . .

HITTING THE HIGH NOTES

RENAISSANCE BOYS A CURE FOR PUBERTY THE PAPAL OKAY WHO’S NEXT? JUNIOR HIGH IS TOUGH ENOUGH. . . THE END OF A TREND FAMOUS CASTRATI

NAZI OLYMPICS

DER SHOW-OFF CLEANING UP HIS ACT HELL NO, WE WON’T GO GERMAN SUPREMACY JESSE JAMES OWENS SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE THE HITLER SNUB MYTH THE UNFORGIVABLE SNUB P.S. THE U.S. RELAY SCANDAL BITTER VICTORY

IT’S A GAS

WHAT’S THE USE? HIGH SPYS GOT GAS? FOR THE BIRDS

CORTÉS AND THE FEATHERED SERPENT

THE FEATHERED SERPENT THE MAKING OF A LEGEND OF KINGS AND SLAVES THEY CAN’T ALL BE GOLDEN ADVANTAGE, CONQUISTADORS SO?

BEST HIDEOUSLY INBRED ROYAL FAMILY: THE HAPSBURGS

THE ROYAL TREATMENT ENTER THE HAPSBURGS THE DUKE AND THE DUCHESS WHAT HE DID FOR LOVE TOMORROW, THE WORLD THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS THOSE LIPS, THOSE. . . EARS? MARRIED, CARRIED TO EXTREMES THE END OF THE LINE GOODBYE, CHARLIE THE MORAL OF THE STORY NOW THAT’S A MOTTO!

ANNA & THE KING: FACT OR FICTION?

THE FACT IS. . .

I AIN’T GIVING BACK THAT MEDAL!

THAT’S DOCTOR WALKER TO YOU, BUDDY! DR. WALKER IN LOVE AND WAR DR. MARY “SPUNKY” WALKER GIVE ‘EM HELL, DR. WALKER! MORE HONORS FOR DR. WALKER FAMOUS FEMALE MEDICAL FIRSTS

THE CRUSADE TO END ALL CRUSADES

THE BAD BOYS THE BYZANTINES LIKE OIL AND WATER ASSIGNMENT: ANTIOCH ROAST TURKEY FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES OVER THE TOP, BOYS! FRIENDS IN EVEN HIGHER PLACES CHECKMATE THE SIEGE OF JERUSALEM THEY THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING OR SO THEY THOUGHT FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT CHRISTIANS: 1, EVERYBODY ELSE: DEAD TUNE IN NEXT TIME

PAGANINI HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

THE YOUNG PHENOM A PASSION FOR PAGANINI PAGANINI PRESLEY? REACHING THE BREAKING POINT THE DARK SIDE OF FAME THE DARKER SIDE OF FAME

A TASTE FOR THE UNUSUAL

BEANE’S CANNIBAL FAMILY LEWIS KESEBERG: DONNER PARTY DESPERADO ALFRED PACKER, THE COLORADO CANNIBAL PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ

DOUBLE-CROSSED BY A DEAD MAN

WHERE TO NEXT? EWEN AND ARCHIBALD’S BOGUS ADVENTURE THEY DON’T CALL IT INTELLIGENCE FOR NOTHING MEET MAJOR MARTIN BURIAL AT SEA BURIAL ON LAND JOHN DOE REDEEMS HIMSELF TEN FACTS TO KNOW ABOUT WWII

DIRTY SECRETS IN THE HISTORY OF HYGIENE (Part II): RUB-A-DUB-DUB

A SOCIAL OCCASION RUNNING HOT AND COLD ON GOOD BEHAVIOR THE FAMOUS TURKISH BATHS SOME STINKY EUROPEANS A HOT TIME IN THE OLDE TOWNE TOO HOT TO HANDLE EARLY AMERICAN BATHING BEAUTIES WASHING IN WASHINGTON THE DUSTY TRAIL

WASTE OF A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM

A TALL STORY, BUT TRUE LIFE AND DEATH AS A POTSDAM GUARD

THE MONSTER THAT PHILO MADE

A BOY AND HIS LIGHT SWITCH MISTER FIX-IT PUTTING THINGS IN FOCUS HOW YOU GONNA KEEP HIM DOWN ON THE FARM? BATTLING THE BIG BOYS A TELEVISION APPEARANCE SPEAKING OF HEALTHY HABITS

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (Knight Life)

1. CHIVALRY 2. DRAGON 3. TOAST 4. CAMELOT 5. NEMESIS 6. GRAIL 7. GARGANTUAN 8. JOUST

THE REAL JEKYLL & HYDE

THE TWO SIDES OF DEACON BRODIE CASING THE JOINT THE HEIST THE EVIDENCE THE EXECUTION

MORE BOUNCE TO THE OUNCE

RUBBER BOUNCES ALONG. . . BUT SLOWLY INNOVATIONS A GOOD YEAR FOR GOODYEAR THEY’VE GOT AN AWFUL LOT OF RUBBER IN BRAZIL IT WASN’T REALLY STEALING TRICKY, TRICKY NOT THE KIND YOU WEAR ON YOUR FEET IS IT REALLY RUBBER?

IMMANUEL KANT TRIES COMEDY

THE YUCKS

IT’S ALL GREEK TO ME WHAT A WAY TO GO! IMMORTAL, BUT DEAD

Aeschylus: 456 B.C. Attila the Hun: A.D. 453 King John: 1216 Ivan the Terrible: 1584 Tycho Brahe: 1601 Jean-Baptiste Lully: 1687 U.S. Major General John Sedgwick: 1864 Chang and Eng Bunker: 1874 P.T. Barnum: 1891 John Jacob Astor: 1912 Harry Houdini: 1926 Isadora Duncan: 1927 Elvis Presley: 1977

MONUMENTAL WASTE OF EFFORT: THE MAGINOT LINE

THE MONUMENTAL RUNNER-UP WHAT AN I-MAGINOT-ION! IT’S INVISIBLE TAKE THE TOUR BETTER THAN EURODISNEY? CHUCK ADDS HIS TWO FRANCS THE ENDS OF THE LINE WHAT! MOI, WORRY? WHAT’S “SLAM DUNK” IN GERMAN? ALL OVER THE MAP THE FRENCH: TOAST SURRENDER? NEVER! THE PROMISE FULFILLED

PROVEN WRONG BY HISTORY: PART II

THE TELEPHONE THE AIRPLANE ROCKETRY THE RADIO THE BOMB

HOW MOSQUITOES CHANGED HISTORY IT’S NOT EASY BEING MARCO POLO

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS MR. POPULARITY HOME SWEET HOME ONE MORE ADVENTURE THE PROBLEM WAS. . . THE ADVENTURE ENDS HUNDREDS OF YEARS LATER MORE HUNDREDS OF YEARS LATER

COWBOYS? WE CALL ’EM SISSIES!

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE AT THE BUNKHOUSE BEEF ON THE BARBIE SWING YOUR PARTNER NO WALLFLOWERS ARE THERE ANY VOLUNTEERS, HONEY?

THE QUEST FOR LONGITUDE

LATITUDE-FATITUDE WHERE AM I? WANTED: A CLOCK A COOL 20,000 LBS. THE STUPIDEST IDEA THE HERO OF THE PIECE IT’S ABOUT TIME

MEN IN SKIRTS

WHEN IS A KILT NOT A KILT? WHEN IS A PRINCE NOT A PRINCE? WHEN IS A TARTAN NOT A TARTAN? WHEN IS A KING NOT A KING? GREAT SCOT!

TAKING NOTE: MUSICAL NOTATION

BEFORE THERE WAS GUIDO A BETTER MOUSETRAP, MUSIC-WISE KICKED OUT OF A BAND OF MONKS TALENT WILL OUT DO, RE, MI, FA, AND SO ON. . . LIFE AFTER GUIDO GRAZIE, GUIDO!

FOOD A MILLENNIUM AGO

WHAT’S FOR LUNCH? I’M STARVING! HELLO, GRUEL WORLD THE STAFF OF LIFE CRAZY ABOUT BREAD THAT’S ONE SPICY HORSE MEATBALL! FOUR AND TWENTY BLACKBIRDS MINIMALISM MEDIEVAL-STYLE GROG: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS IT’S A BEER-ACLE! KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR CHICKEN BONE, BUDDY! THANK YOU FOR THE FOOD WE EAT LET MY CHICKENS GO!

THE OLYMPICS EXPOSED

NAKED GAMES ROUGH, TOUGH, AND IN THE BUFF MORE NAKED GAMES PEACEFUL ENEMIES WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND WOMEN WEREN’T ALLOWED ANCIENT MAULERS THOSE RICH ATHLETES MORE THAN THE KEY TO THE CITY A SHOW OF STRENGTH SLEAZY POLITICS THE MORE THINGS CHANGE TELL THEM TO COME BACK LATER

HEY, WHAT ABOUT THOSE FREEMASONS?

LAND OF THE FREEMASONS THE MEMBERSHIP LIST A FREEMASON UNDER EVERY BED MASONS VS. KNIGHTS THE HERETIC QUOTA

MATA HARI, THE SPY WHO WASN’T

A LITTLE DUTCH GIRL LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE 39 AND HOLDING TARTS CAN’T WIN AN ERROR IN ACCOUNTING POSTMORTEM TOUGH COOKIE

THE POPE WAS A LADY

A VERY SPECIAL LITTLE LADY SEZ WHO? STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, AND FICTION?

PARDON ME, FRITZ, IS THAT MY LEG DOING THE POLKA?

EASE ON DOWN THE ROAD LET’S DANCE! A VISIT TO ST. VITUS IT’S JUST A PLAGUE HISTORICAL AND HYSTERICAL THINK “CHOREOGRAPHY”: LETTING OFF STEAM TONY ‘N’ TINA’S WEDDING

BREAKING THE MOLD: DISCOVERY OF PENICILLIN

THE POOP ON BACTERIA DOUGHBOYS ATTACKED ON ALL SIDES THE POOP ON THE PETRI DISH A FUNGUS AMONG US THE POOP ON ANTIBIOTICS SUCCESS STORY TSK, TSK, TSK TB OR NOT TB NO SOAP PERHAPS THE GREATEST IRONY

THE REAL BRAVEHEART

WILLIAM WHO? DEATH, LIES AND THE MOVIES WALLACE’S STORY GETS VERSE WILL THE REAL WILL PLEASE STAND UP? A STIRLING VICTORY WALLACE WAS NO ANGEL WALLACE WAS NO FOOL A NOBLE KNIGHT BUT NOT A NOBLE MARTYRDOM IN ENGLAND

THE TOOTH ABOUT DENTURES

ANCIENT DENTISTS PUT THE BITE ON YOU DENTURES TO DIE FOR FANGS A LOT A WOODEN SMILE DENTAL DRUGGISTS PUTTING THE BITE ON CRIME A GLOWING SMILE CHIPPED TEETH

BAD HISTORY! BAD! DIRTY SECRETS IN THE HISTORY OF HYGIENE, PART III: SMILE

THE BRUSH TOOTHPASTE THEN FLUORIDE THEN AND NOW

THE REAL BODY SNATCHERS

DIGGING FOR ANSWERS JOB DESCRIPTION MODUS OPERANDI A BUSINESS LIKE ANY BUSINESS A NEW WRINKLE THE FALL GUY ENOUGH CADAVERS TO GO AROUND THE AMERICAN WAY ALL CORPSES AREN’T CREATED EQUAL

HISTORY’S GREATEST TRAVEL BARGAIN

BON VOYAGE THE NOT-SO-LUCKY WINNERS TROUBLED IN PARADISE TASMANIAN DEVILS GREAT ESCAPES STRANGER THAN FICTION THE INCREDIBLE HULKS

STOMPED TO DEATH BY “LITTLE BOOTS”

LITTLE ORPHAN CALIGULA SNEAKY LITTLE SON OF A GENERAL HAIL, CALIGULA! THE POSTER BOY FOR BRAIN FEVER FAREWELL, CALIGULA!

HISTORICAL HINDSIGHTS THE GREAT LEAP BACKWARD

MAN OF STEEL MAJOR MELTDOWN THE CHAIRMAN DROPS IN THE RESULTS NOT AS DUMB AS HE LOOKS

THE REAL LEGACY OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

OLD WORLD MEETS NEW MAN WITH A MISSION WRONG, WRONG, WRONG SERVES THEM RIGHT OOH, HE’S A TOUGHIE I’LL TAKE CASSAVA GOODBYE, OLD WORLD

TIE ONE ON

VANITY, THY NAME IS LOUIS THE KING’S REGIMENT CARRIED TO EXTREMES EVEN TIES CAN BE FASHION VICTIMS YES, BUT WHAT DOES IT DO? LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS THE LOYAL OPPOSITION SPEAKS AND IS SHUT UP A RAY OF HOPE

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (Countries of the World)

1. THE PHILIPPINES: 2. BOLIVIA: 3. INDIA: 4. ARGENTINA: 5. PORTUGAL 6. CHINA: 7. FRANCE 8. AMERICA:

MOST LOPSIDED WAR: THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR

ADIOS, ARMADA! BULLY FOR YOU, T.R.! YOU BIG BULLIES! WHY IT WAS THE BEST

THE CRUSADER FOLLIES

ST. BERNARD TO THE RESCUE EASY PICKIN’S FOR THE GERMANS CONRAD THE CLUELESS EASY PICKIN’S FOR THE TURKS CRUSADING ISN’T EASY I’LL TAKE DAMASCUS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE LOSERS THE END IS NEAR!

COFFEE KLATCH

JOE IS BORN FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES ONLY THE TRAIL OF COFFEE

THE AMBLING ROOM

ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA STEWART? WE MEAN FOREVER PETER THE PROCRASTINATOR GOING FOR BAROQUE BARBARIANS AT THE GATE THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR QUESTION SHIPMENT TO NOWHERE DRILLING FOR AMBER DUMMKOPFS! A KNICK HERE, A KNACK THERE LET’S CALL IT “CATHY’S PALACE”

81/2 NOT-SO-VICTORIAN THINGS ABOUT QUEEN VICTORIA

1. SHE HAD A THING FOR AN OLDER MAN 2. SHE FOUND “FUN IN BED” 3. SHE WAS A LOUSY PARENT 4. HER SUBJECTS WANTED TO KILL HER 5. SHE WAS A STALKING VICTIM 6. VICKY WAS KICKY 7. HER STIFF UPPER LIP QUIVERED 8 1/2. HER NAME IS A BYWORD FOR EROTICISM

CAROUSING CHARISMA

THE TEEN-AGED LAWYER FROM COLONIES TO CANADA THE FLAWED FOUNDER SLOSHED IN THE SENATE A NAUSEATING SPEECH DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO IT’S THE ECONOMY STUPOR WE WANT BOOZE NOT BIGOTS A SCANDALOUS MEMORY A SOBERING EXPERIENCE

THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: AT SEA

armada taken down a peg the cut of the jib first-rate turn a blind eye clearing the decks battening down the hatches at close quarters cut and run by the board scuttlebutt deliver a broadside son of a gun

DEATH OF A REVOLUTIONARY

THE DOCTOR’S CURE WE ALL WANNA CHANGE THE WORLD GUEVARA REMAINS UNCHANGED ENTER THE GREEN BERETS

THE STICKY HISTORIAN

TINY BUBBLES AMBER GOES HOLLYWOOD WHAT’S OLD IN NEW JERSEY PREHISTORIC CLONES? CAVEAT AMBER UNZIPPED

VAN GOGH: AN EAR FOR TROUBLE

HE’S GOT “PROBLEMS” WASN’T HE THE “EAR” GUY? AU REVOIR, PARIS! EAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW FOR ME? YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! THE NOT-SO-FUNNY FARM EAR ANATOMY

TO HILL AND GONE

NOTHING ORDINARY ABOUT HIM THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB MAN WITH A PLAN TRIAL RUN NOW WHAT? BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME OTHER COOL LOCAL INVENTIONS (IN NORWAY)

THE REAL ROBINSON CRUSOE

HOW HE GOT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE THE ANGRY SEA THE LONELY GUY AS TIME GOES BY SAILS IN THE SUNSET HIS SHIP COMES IN

TOMBSTONE TERRITORY THE 100 YEARS’ WAR

THE FEISTY YOUNG KING BLOOD RELATIONS BUT DO THE ENGLISH SPEAK FRENCH? EDWARD’S QUEST FOR FRANCE THE ENGLISH WREAK HAVOC A REALITY-BASED MIDSUMMER’S NIGHT DREAM ROYAL DISORDER WHEN IT’S OVER WAR SKEPTICS FEASTING ON KNIGHTHOOD AND DEATH ANGLO-NORMANIZATION

ANAGRAMS THE ANCIENT CITY OF KING SOLOMON?

WHAT A RIDICULOUS IDEA! JUST GREAT FRANCE-SIZED DIGGING FOR TREASURE WHO DONE IT? IT’S A DATE THE LOCALS RUINING THE RUINS TAPPED OUT INDEPENDENCE DAY CHIEF SEATTLE’S SPEECH

MY HEROES!

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS A SIGN FROM HEAVEN HERO NUMERO UNO OLÉ FOR OUR SIDE! UP NORTH IN SOUTH AMERICA AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T CALL IT SIMONLAND LET’S HEAR IT FOR OUR HEROES

WHY DO THEY CALL IT THE DARK AGES?

CASTING SOME LIGHT ON THE DARK AGES BACK TO BASICS

NEW WORLD ORDER

THE PRE-COLUMBIAN MENU TRAFFIC JAMS ON THE ATLANTIC WILD INDIANS START HORSING AROUND AMERICA’S APPLES WERE A BUNCH OF CRABS THOSE A-MAIZE-ING NEW WORLD VEGGIES MAKE CHOCOLATE, NOT WAR

LIFE INSURANCE WITH YOUR LATTE?

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME LATTE LLOYD THAT’S USING THE OLD BEAN MOVE OVER STARBUCKS BUSINESS BLOSSOMS AMONG THE BEANS GOING TO THE OFFICE—FINALLY AVOIDING THE OFFICE—AGAIN

A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE

WACKY BUT WORKABLE PYKE’S TOUR DE FORCE ICE IS NICE ON THE ROCKS THE FLY IN THE OCEAN

CLASS OF THE HEAD

THE END OF FREESTYLING DOUBLE DUTY

CRUSADE OF THE STARS

THE FREDDIE, DICK, AND PHIL SHOW FOOLHARDY FREDDIE DASTARDLY DICK FRIENDLY PHIL PHIL’S ILL FRED’S DEAD ACHEY AT ACRE NEIGHBORS, GOOD AND BAD THE SURRENDER OF ACRE RICHARD THE HARD-HEARTED PUT UP YOUR DUKE! A KING’S RANSOM IN THE LOOP

DON’T LET YOUR DAUGHTERS GROW UP TO BE POETS

“MAD, BAD, AND DANGEROUS TO KNOW” HOW TO TRAP A MAN WITH MATH ANALYTICAL ENGINE CREATING A COMPUTER IN HER MIND

MAGNIFICENT FAILURE

FASTER AND CHEAPER EAST MEETS WEST JUST HIS TYPE BESTSELLER—180 COPIES SOLD A BESTSELLER WITH NO ROYALTIES

WHAT WERE THE WARS OF THE ROSES?

OUR STORY BEGINS. . . REMEMBER THE RICHARD! “WE’RE A-FEUDIN’!” THE TIDE TURNS SO LONG, RICHARD SHAKESPEARE GETS INTO THE ACT BUT WHY THE WARS OF THE ROSES?

PROVEN WRONG BY HISTORY: PART III WHEN CHILDHOOD WAS BORN

AW, QUIT YER WHININ’! YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION SIDE TRIP TO ENGLAND THE WHEELS OF PROGRESS REPORT TO THE COMMISSIONER BACK IN THE U.S.A. NOW, THAT’S PROGRESS SCHOOL DAYS, SCHOOL DAYS HI, MOM! KEEP SMILING

HENRY THE NAVIGATOR

ENTER OUR HERO LUCKY 15TH THE RIVER, THE PROBLEMS

THE SWAN KING’S CASTLES

THE PALACE CLOSET THE LITTLE PRINCE THE SWAN KING THE KING AND THE CLOSET BROTHERLY LOVE UNIFICATION IN HIS SPARE TIME SHIPPED OFF TO SEE WAS THE SWAN KING A FEW FEATHERS SHORT?

THIS SIDE UP

BORN A SLAVE A PROMISE MADE IN THE HANDS OF FATE BOXED IN HANDLE WITH CARE DEFINITELY WRONG SIDE UP RIGHT SIDE UP ALL RIGHT INSIDE? FREE AT LAST MR. SHOWBIZ SLAVERY FACTS

RIDDLES: A SERIOUS SUBJECT

THE RIDDLE THAT STUMPED HOMER A RIDDLE FROM BABYLON A RIDDLE FROM THE BIBLE A RIDDLE WITH NO ANSWERS RIDDLE CHALLENGES THE RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX RIDDLES, INTERNATIONAL THE ANSWERS

HIPPOCRATES, M.D.

MY FRIEND, THE WITCH DOCTOR. . . WHAT HIPPOCRATES WAS RIGHT ABOUT Some of his innovations: WHAT HE WAS WRONG ABOUT TAKE THE OATH, PLEASE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE

MY DINNER WITH ATTILA

THE HUN? THAT’S NOT WHAT I CALL HIM. HIS SCOURGENESS ATTITUDE, AND PLENTY OF IT WHAT, NO DANCING GIRLS? A CHINK IN THE ARMOR SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME HARES IN HISTORY

YE OLDE CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

THERE’S NOTHING FOR DESSERT! CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS MAKING THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME The Baker’s Cage The Ass of Shame The Wheelbarrow The Barrel The Neck Violin The Shame Flute The Masks of Shame AW, QUIT YER BELLY-ACHIN’

THEY CALLED HER “LADY LINDY”

I’M AMELIA, FLY ME FIRST FLIGHT LOVE AT FIRST FLIGHT JUST US GIRLS LOOKIN’ GOOD, AMELIA THERE’S NO STOPPING HER NOW IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED. . . YOU’RE INVITED TO A SEARCH PARTY YEAH, RIGHT AMELIA EARHART ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (Cities of the World) UNCOVERING UNDERWEAR

WHEN IN ANCIENT ROME. . . OR GREECE OR EGYPT BARE NAKED LADIES BOXERS OR BRIEFS?

BEST LIST OF BESTS THE RICH HISTORY OF CHOCOLATE

THE OLD GRIND MONEY GROWS ON TREES A HEAVENLY DRINK WRONG CURRENCY JUST A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR ENGLISH COOKING GOES A COURTING FAST FOOD JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED WARRANT FOR HIS ASCENT BAR KING

GYPSIES: TRAMPS AND THIEVES?

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GYPSY? WORLD TRAVELERS BY THE BOATLOAD A NICE HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS HEY, JOIN THE CLUB! THE “ARYAN” RACE GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR. . . BUT NO GYPSIES BE P.C. NEW AGE GYPSY?

MR. SAM, THE WHISKEY MAN

STARTING WITH HIS SHIRT WELCOME TO THE HOTEL MANITOBA YOU’VE GOT MAIL DOCTOR FEELGOOD HERE’S TO YOU, MR. VOLSTEAD OFFSHORE BANKING THE LOUISVILLE SLUG BECOMING KOSHER THE WHISKEY MAVEN THE SHIRT OFF HIS BACK A FAMILY AFFAIR THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: KOREA

bamboo curtain police action “Old soldiers never die; they just fade away.” to bug out airstrike chopper buy the farm eyeball to eyeball M.A.S.H. hooch brainwashing CASUALTIES

BEST CRACKPOT RELIGIOUS LEADER: RASPUTIN

THEY DON’T CALL HIM THAT FOR NOTHING HE CHANGES HIS WAYS (AS IF) MISTER ST. PETE THE TOP OF THE SOCIAL LADDER HE’S OUT, HE’S IN THE CZAR GOES TO WAR IT’S A DIRTY JOB. . . THE SUCKER WON’T DIE! JUST LIKE HE SAID FABULOUS FACTOIDS

TALKING ’BOUT THE TITANIC

SERENDIPITY STRIKES RADIO SILENCE THE GOOD NEWS, THE BAD NEWS THE OPERATOR PULLS THE PLUG SHOW ME THE MONEY GETTING THE TRUTH OUT SARNOFF’S BRAINCHILD

THE KING WHO STOLE THE CONGO

A KING-SIZED DILEMMA A KING-SIZED ATTENTION GETTER A SCAM FIT FOR A KING A KING-SIZED THEFT KING CON KING CON GETS THE CONGO THE MONARCH OF MISERY A HEART OF DARKNESS A KING-SIZED EMBARRASSMENT AN UNHAPPY IRONY

MR. JENNER AND THE MILKMAID

THE MILKMAID IN QUESTION THE OLD WIVES’ TALE MEETS. . . . . . THE SCIENTIFIC APPROACH

THE REAL LADY GODIVA

THE IMPORTANCE OF REALLY LONG HAIR WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? WHO STARTED IT WHAT ABOUT TOM? THERE SHE IS, MISS LADY GODIVA

THE PHANTOM ARMY

NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE. . . THE PLOT THICKENS STOP THE PRESSES! THE BIG FAKE-OUT “YOO-HOO! OVER HERE!”

THE HUNCHBACK OF NORTHERN FAME: THE STORY OF RICHARD III

POOR RICHARD A FAMILY SQUABBLE THE GOOD BROTHER THE ROTTEN REGENT THE BAD UNCLE TRUTH VS. LEGEND NOT GIVEN A FAIR SHAKE-SPEARE NOTABLE QUOTABLES FROM RICHARD III

WHO CONQUERED THE NORTH POLE?

IN THIS CORNER AND IN THAT CORNER TOP OF THE WORLD, MA! WALRUS GREASE, ETC. WHY WAIT? SORRY. . .

FIESTA! HER MAJESTY’S A PRETTY NICE GIRL

CATHERINE, EMPRESS OF RUSSIA (1727–1796) ELIZABETH I, QUEEN OF ENGLAND (1533–1603) ANNE BOLEYN, QUEEN OF ENGLAND (1507-1536) JULIUS CAESAR, RULER OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE (100 –44 B.C.) EMPRESS DOWAGER TZU HSI OF CHINA (1835-1908)

DARWIN’S COUSIN AND THE APES

COUNT GALTON BEAUTY AND THE BUST GOD AS A STATISTIC DABBLING LIKE DARWIN SNOB SCIENCE SNOB SCIENCE SINKS TO NEW DEPTHS JUST HANG UP HITLER, A HYPOCRITE?

HANDICAP? WHAT HANDICAP?

Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770–1827 Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806–1861 Thomas Edison, 1847–1931 Albert Einstein, 1879–1955 Joan of Arc, 1412–1431 General Philip Kearney, 1814–1862 Helen Keller, 1880–1968 Dorothea Lange, 1895–1965 Lord Horatio Nelson, 1758–1805 John Milton, 1608–1674 Alexander Pope, 1688–1744 Wiley Post, 1899–1935 John Wesley Powell 1834–1902 Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1882–1945 Charles Steinmetz, 1865–1923 Harriett Tubman, 1820–1913 Josiah Wedgwood, 1730–1795 Woodrow Wilson, 1856–1924 FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH EPILEPSY

THE INVASION OF AMERICA

THE FATHER OF HIS COUNTRY? BETRAYED BY BIG BROTHER THAT DOES IT! FULL-SCALE BUT SCALED DOWN THAT DID IT! TALK ABOUT OVERKILL UNCLE SAM CRIES UNCLE

NURSE NIGHTINGALE HISTORY’S HIT MAKERS

JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH (1685–1750) BACH’S ORGAN BACH’S OTHER ORGAN BUSINESSMAN BACH THE BRANDENBURG CONCERTOS WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART (1756–1791) GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO BURNING THE FURNITURE THE FALLEN LITTLE ANGEL THE STORY BEHIND THE HIT REQUIEM MASS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN (1770–1827) THE MESHUGGA MAESTRO? BACHELOR BEETHOVEN THE MYSTERY OF THE IMMORTAL BELOVED THE BELOVEDS BEHIND THE HITS

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BECOME EMPEROR OF MEXICO?

CINCO DE MAYO LOOKING FOR A LEADER WHO IS THIS GUY? YOU THINK IT’S EASY BEING AN EMPRESS? HENPECKED HUSBAND BEGINNING OF THE END ALL ABOARD!

UNMASKING MONA LISA

THE WOMAN THE SMILE THE QUIZ

WILL THE REAL SHAKESPEARE PLEASE TAKE A BOW?

WILL’S WILL WHAT WE KNOW OF THE MAN ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE STAGE LEFT, THE EARL OF OXFORD CLUES. . . THE LAST LAUGH

“VANDAL-IZED”

LOOK OUT, PIERRE! LOOK OUT, JOSE! LOOK OUT, AHMED, AND EVERYBODY ELSE! THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK UP WITH VANDALS! FROM THE MOUTHS OF GENERALS A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW

HERE LIES. . . THE STRANGE CONSTITUTION OF STONEWALL JACKSON

THE LEGEND IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE NUT CASE IN POINT BUT DON’T TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT SICK, SICK, SICK SO LITTLE TIME

BURNING WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ENEMIES? SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES WRONG AGAIN FINALLY! NO MORE HELP! PLEASE!

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (Her Closet)

1. HOSIERY 2. LEOTARD 3. BIKINI 4. PURSE 5. DENIM 6. NEGLIGÉE 7. PUMPS 8. PANTS

WHICH WAY DID THEY GO?

HERNANDO DE SOTO JAMES COOK CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS FERDINAND MAGELLAN HENRY HUDSON

ABE LINCOLN, HARBINGER OF FASHION?

ABE’S LITTLE PEN PAL GROWING, GROWING, GROWN SAY HELLO, GRACIE THE HEIGHT OF FASHION LINCOLNIANA

LADIES FIRST

TIMES CHANGE, WINNIE THE LADY THE ASTORS ON HERSELF: WINSTON HAS THE LAST WORD. . .

POP WAS A POPE AND I’M A POISONER: WHO AM I?

MY PAPA, IL PAPA THE REIGN IN SPAIN HOW MUCH FOR THAT VATICAN? LUCREZIA MacEVIL THIS ONE’S A KEEPER PRETTY POISON THE BAD DIE YOUNG

LISTEN, MY CHILDREN. . .

A REBEL AND A SPY GET READY TO RIDE THE RIPPLE EFFECT SHOT HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD

HEAVY METTLE

WAIT A MINUTE! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER RAISING THE DEAD AND IT CAME TO PASS. . . THE MIRACLE WHAT MATTERS IN THE END

THE CRUSADE THAT WASN’T

LET’S MAKE A DEAL ALMOST A VENETIAN BLIND WILL THE REAL EMPEROR PLEASE STAND UP? THE WRONG IMPRESSION MOON OVER CONSTANTINOPLE PROMISES, PROMISES AND WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HAPPENED?

WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

THE SANDWICH CAPITAL OF THE WORLD A FRIEND TO FOODIES EVERYWHERE WHAT WE DON’T KNOW WE, WHO ARE ABOUT TO LUNCH, SALUTE YOU!

THE REAL SPARTACUS

THRACE IS THE PLACE GOING, GOING, GONE GLADIATOR-IN-TRAINING THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM SNEAK ATTACK DARN THOSE PESKY SLAVES ENTER THE BLACK-HEARTED VILLAIN THAT’LL TEACH YOU A LESSON! THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE. . . DECISIONS, DECISIONS

GRAVE MATTERS WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM BARBARIANS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY BARBARIAN, ANYHOW? THEY WEREN’T ALL BAD, YOU KNOW BARBARIAN BENEFITS

THE ADULTERY AWARDS DON’T HOLD THE MAYO!

BORN TO THE NOBILITY SAUCE CÉLÈBRE

THESE BOOTS AREN’T MADE FOR WALKING

SOMETHING FISHY SLIPPERS OF DEATH SHOES THAT MADE A POINT MARY’S BROAD BAN SHOES THAT MAKE YOU HIGH BLAME IT ON THE ITALIANS LOUIS LIVES THE HIGH LIFE THIS POLITICIAN WAS A SHOE-IN ENGLAND BUCKLES UNDER SOLDIERS GET THE BOOT SHOES GET HOLY A BINDING PASSION THESE BOOTS AREN’T MADE FOR WALKING MOVE OVER IMELDA FANCY FOOT WORDS GIVING BUCCANEERS THE BOOT COPPERS AND GUMSHOES DO YOU HAVE THAT IN RED? BIPPITY BOPPITY BOOT

HISTORY’S HANNIBAL LECTER

POOR POLLY DOCTOR DEATH BEAUTY AND THE BEAST JACK THE AUTHOR CLUES NOT SO CRAZY? THE USUAL SUSPECT WILL THE RIPPER BE FOUND? WHITECHAPEL’S OTHER CLAIM TO FAME

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (The Kitchen Table)

1. LOBSTER 2. CHEDDAR 3. BISCOTTI 4. SAUSAGE 5. ALMOND 6. PUMPERNICKEL 7. GRAHAM CRACKER 8. MAYONNAISE

SAINT ’HOOD

FORTUNE-TELLERS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS TELEVISION HANGED MEN THIEVES JUVENILE DELINQUENTS UNHAPPY HUSBANDS PRISON GUARDS FALLEN WOMEN HANGOVERS

DAMMIT, JIM, I’M A DOCTOR!AND A MEDICAL HOBBYIST!

“WHAT IF. . .?” “BY GOLLY, I’M GONNA DO IT!” A DISCLAIMER “THANKS A LOT, WERNER!”

THE REAL CAPTAIN BLIGH

MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY MOTLEY CREW THE LAND OF SUN AND FUN OKAY, TIME’S UP! HOW VERY UNBRITISH! LIFE IS THE PITS ON PITCAIRN MEANWHILE. . . IT’S A BREAD, IT’S A FRUIT, IT’S BREADFRUIT!

ROME AT THE FALL OF THE EMPIRE

HAS-BEEN CITY SICK, SICK, SICK THIS CHURCH ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US THE TAXMAN COMETH THE TAXMAN LEAVETH

DEATHLESS PROSE SPOONER: THE MAN AND HIS “ISMS”

IS THE BEAN DIZZY? THESE TICKLE MY BUNNY PHONE MAY SOD REST HIS GOAL SPOONER’S OTHER GAFFES

MILK, MICROBES, AND MAD DOGS

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GERMS ATTACK OF THE KILLER BACTERIA BURN, BABY, BURN THE MAN ON THE MILK CARTON A JAB TO THE RIGHT CHEEK MAD DOGS AND A DEADLY DISEASE “I WAS WORKING IN THE LAB LATE ONE NIGHT . . .”

THE ORIGINAL DOGFIGHTS

THE WRIGHTS GET IT RIGHT THE BRASS SITS UP BOMBS AWAY! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! OOPS! THE MAN BEHIND THE PLANE BRILLIANT! I’M FROM GERMANY—SHOW ME IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT. . . DOGFIGHT?

POCAHONTAS: THE NON-DISNEY VERSION

SORRY TO DISAPPOINT ONE SMART COOKIE THE TOBACCO KING POCAHONTAS GOES ON TOUR NOT A DISNEY ENDING AFTER THE FACT DISNEY’S POCAHONTAS. . . NOT QUITE

WHEREWORDS: A QUIZ (Miscellaneous) THE GAME

EXHIBITION GAME: SOCCER WITHOUT THE FEET AW, BE A GOOD SPORT!

GREY OWL

GREY OWL SPEAKS BUT WAIT! COWBOYS & INDIANS BACK TO NATURE THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MAN AT LEAST HE DIDN’T LIVE TO SEE IT AFTERNOTE

THREE WISE MEN

CONFUCIUS IT’S SIMPLE BEST BEHAVIOR THE RELUCTANT CIVIL SERVANT CONFUCIUS SAYS. . . HONESTVILLE YOU CAN’T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN BUDDHA A LITTLE OVERPROTECTIVE GOT ENOUGH DANCING GIRLS? THERE’S ALWAYS A CATCH BUDDHA GROWS UP THE SEARCH BEGINS NIRVANA MOHAMMED THE CAVE DWELLER THE VISIT THE FAT CATS THE YEAR ONE THE HOMESTEADER THE DIPLOMAT-SOLDIER THE LADIES’ MAN THE BASIC MOHAMMED THE GREAT BOOK

FINALLY, THE LAST CRUSADES

THE FIFTH CRUSADE KEEPING THE CRUSADERS BUSY WHO SAYS THERE’S NO FREE LUNCH? THE SIXTH CRUSADE SO WHAT, YOUR HOLINESS NOT ENOUGH KNIGHTS WHO NEEDS KNIGHTS? THE SEVENTH AND EIGHTH CRUSADES AN ANTI-HERO’S WELCOME SICK OF THE CRUSADES CROCODILE TEARS EPILOGUE ST. LOUIS IN THE NEW WORLD

BEFORE THEY WERE NAZIS DEAR DEPARTED: BURIAL CUSTOMS AND CURIOSITIES

NO FRILLS FUNERAL RITES LAYERING THE DEAD TO REST THE GREAT OUTDOORS UPS AND DOWNS MAKING ASHES OF THEMSELVES SERVING MAN FOR CENTURIES GOING OUT IN STYLE TUT, TUT BONE DRY FREEZE-DRIED BLUE TATTOOS LOST AND FOUND THE ICEMAN SHOWETH UP BOGGED DOWN TRADITION! POTTER WHO?

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR

BAIT FOR A BIG FISH SNEAKY, SNEAKY THE PLOT FOILED AN ALMOST NEW STRATEGY MEANWHILE, BACK AT HEADQUARTERS THE VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE WHAT ENGLAND EXPECTS THE BATTLE A HERO’S DEATH PICKLED IN RUM NO-TELL HOTEL A RUMMY TALE

FROM ITALY TO LITTLE ITALY, THE MAFIA COMES TO AMERICA

A WORD TO REMEMBER QUESTION AUTHORITY DON’ ARGUE WITH A DON THE NEW AMERICANS DEATH IN THE BIG EASY. . . AND PALERMO THE MOB GOES MOD THE MOB GETS “LUCKY” CRIMINALS WHO AREN’T POLITICIANS GETTING GOTTI THE POWER OF BULL NOSTALGIA AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE MOVE OVER I LOVE LUCY

GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD If you like reading our books. . . try BATHROOM READERS’ INSTITUTE HYSTERICAL SCHOLARS THE LAST PAGE

Sit down and be counted!

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