Anger, Guilt and Shame Reclaiming Power and Choice by Larsson, Liv -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Anger, Guilt & Shame

Reclaiming Power and Choice Liv Larsson

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Content

Preface by the Author

Shame, Guilt and Anger

Shame, Guilt and Anger Our Way of Thinking Creates Problems Natural Versus Cultural An Approach for Change

The Myth of Domination in Our Everyday Life

Education for Peace Our Myths Shape Our World... Shame on You! On the Scene of a Domination Culture Domination Cultures Versus Partnership Cultures Violence Between the Words

Anger, Guilt, Shame and Our Way of Communicating

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Looking Forward to the Next Time You Feel Shame, Guilt or Anger An Approach That Leads to Connection 1. Observations 2. Feelings 3. Needs “What They Did Was Wrong” Anger and Needs Shame and Needs Guilt and Needs “It’s My Fault” The Difference Between Needs and the Strategies We Use to Meet Them 4. Requests Guilt-inducing Communication Communication That Often Leads to Shame and Guilt Never Do Anything to Avoid Shame and Guilt Humor or Empathy Empathy Empathy Versus Sympathy To Be Met with Sympathy Empathy and Shame Empathy and Anger Empathy and Guilt To Be Met with Empathy Labels and Moralistic Judgments - Tragic Ways of Asking for Empathy My Longing Is Empathy Instead of “Sorry” Apologize with NVC Self-Empathy Mourning Without “Getting Lost” The Shame-inducing Word “No” Three Precious Assumptions About “No” The Language of Needs Leads to Connection and Compassion With Anger and Shame Transformed

The Shame Adventure

When Shame Takes Over What Stimulates Shame Shame Bingo What Is Shame? When Shame Goes Sour Shame Can Be Managed Taking Advantage of Shame From Shame to Connection Shame and Vulnerability Being Ashamed of Feeling Ashamed Innate Shame Cultural Shame Disgust and Dissmell Time Goes, Shame Stays The Shame of Untidiness Shame Gets in the Way of Learning Childhood Shame Teenage Shame The Place of Shame in Child Rearing Reasons Why it Could Be Wrong to Steal Shame and Honor To Take on Somebody Else’s Shame Sex and Shame Practice Dealing with Shame List Shameful Events The Laughter of Shame Use Words to Explore Shame Shame in Important Relationships Your Daily Shame A Day of Shame Shame-filled Relationships

The Compass of Needs

Learning to Recognize Shame The Compass of Needs Whose Fault Is It? Who Has the Power? Four Directions for Dealing with Shame What Does Your Compass Show? 1. We Withdraw 2. Looking for What Is Wrong With Ourselves “It’s My Fault” 3. Rebellion - Invading the Feeling of Shame “I Couldn’t Care Less” 4. Looking for What is Wrong With Others “They Are to Blame!” Summary Supporting Others in Dealing With Shame From Shame to Vulnerability Keep a Diary to Get to Know Shame

Pride

Pride Goeth Before a Fall? Pride and Appreciation Shame of Appreciation Three Types of Pride To Be Ashamed of Somebody Else

The Surprising Purpose of Anger

Rapid Transformation The Core of Violence Entertainment Violence The Lost Way of Using Anger Anger – an Alarm Bell Count to Ten From Shame to Anger to Violence When We See Anger as Something Wrong Give - But Only If It Is Voluntary Behind the Anger Shame Is Lurking Angry Women Children’s Anger To Protect Rather Than to Punish Practice Anger Management Transform Your Anger Express Anger After Having Transformed It

Nagging Guilt

Nagging Guilt The Difference Between Shame and Guilt Guilt and Shame-inducing Restructuring Guilt - Transforming Guilt to Needs Transforming Guilt Stop Playing God! Guilt and Demands Scapegoating Self-confidence and Self-esteem Freedom from Guilt Money and Guilt Inventory of What Stimulates Guilt An Exciting Day of Exploring Guilt Afterword Reference DVD, CD About the Author Also by Liv Larsson in English

Preface by the Author Chapter 1

Shame, Guilt and Anger

Shame, guilt and anger are life-serving signals. We have misinterpreted these signals. We need to reinterpret them if we want to be able to manage them in ways that work for us.

Our Way of Thinking Creates Problems Natural Versus Cultural

Shame chokes us, so we say nothing when we need to. Guilt scares us, and we do not do what needs to be done. Anger blinds us so that we do things that we later regret.

An Approach for Change Chapter 2

The Myth of Domination in Our Everyday Life

Education for Peace Our Myths Shape Our World... Shame on You! On the Scene of a Domination Culture Domination Cultures Versus Partnership Cultures Shame

Shame in partnership cultures Shame in domination cultures

Anger

Anger in partnership cultures Anger in domination cultures

Guilt

Guilt in partnership cultures Guilt in domination cultures

To Apologize

To apologize in partnership cultures To apologize in domination cultures

Violence Between the Words

1. Use moral judgments and static language. 2. Deny human beings the ability to choose how to act. 3. Use the concept of “deserving”. 1. Anna makes moral judgments and uses static languages: 2. Anna denies that they have choice, and thinks they should behave in a certain way: 3. Anna uses the concept of “deserve”: 1. Static language - for example moral judgments. 2. Denial of choice. 3. The concept of deserve. 1. Anna uses moral judgments by making diagnoses and analyzing herself. 2. Anna restricts her own freedom of choice and tries to suppress or ignore her reaction to what has happened 3. The concept of “deserve” turned inwardly.

Chapter 3

Anger, Guilt, Shame and Our Way of Communicating

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Looking Forward to the Next Time You Feel Shame, Guilt or Anger An Approach That Leads to Connection

1. Feelings and needs can help us become more aware of how we want to live 2. By connecting our feelings to our needs, wants and dreams, we have more power to make important choices 3. It is easier to connect if we assume that behind everything we humans do, there is an intention to try to meet needs 4. We want to contribute to others when we experience it as voluntary

1. Observations 2. Feelings

Feelings when needs are fullfilled Feelings when needs are not fullfilled

3. Needs Some of our common human needs “What They Did Was Wrong” Anger and Needs Shame and Needs Guilt and Needs “It’s My Fault” The Difference Between Needs and the Strategies We Use to Meet Them 4. Requests Guilt-inducing Communication Communication That Often Leads to Shame and Guilt

Expressing what I feel without requesting something of the other; I feel so lonely. Connecting what I feel with what someone else has done: I feel sorry because you ... Suggesting that someone should do something without requesting it: Nobody cares anyway. Expressing what I feel, need and want through sighs, facial expressions and gestures. Mixing what I think is somebody’s intention with what I feel: I feel run over, neglected, abandoned, manipulated.

Never Do Anything to Avoid Shame and Guilt Humor or Empathy Empathy Empathy Versus Sympathy To Be Met with Sympathy Empathy and Shame Empathy and Anger Empathy and Guilt To Be Met with Empathy Labels and Moralistic Judgments - Tragic Ways of Asking for Empathy My Longing Is Empathy Instead of “Sorry” Apologize with NVC

Step 1. Listen with empathy to the other person. Really take in how what you have said or done has affected him or her. Step 2. When you have listened to what is expressed, express what happened in you when you understood how your actions affected the other person. Step 3. Express what needs you were trying to meet with the hurtful action. You express what drove you, and if you now, having realized the consequences, might choose other ways to act.

Self-Empathy Mourning Without “Getting Lost” The Shame-inducing Word “No” Three Precious Assumptions About “No”

1. Behind every no there is a yes to something else. 2. Saying no is an invitation to further dialogue. 3. There are always several ways to meet needs. 1. Behind every no there is a yes to something else. 2. Saying no is an invitation to further dialogue. 3. There are always several ways to meet needs.

The Language of Needs Leads to Connection and Compassion With Anger and Shame Transformed Chapter 4

The Shame Adventure

When Shame Takes Over What Stimulates Shame 1. Comparisons 2. Dependence and Independence 3. Competition 4. Self-criticism 5. Appearance 6. Sex 7. To See and Be Seen 8. Closeness Shame Bingo What Is Shame? When Shame Goes Sour Shame Can Be Managed Assumptions That Help Us Deal with Shame

• How I choose to look at a situation affects whether I feel shame or not. It will also affect my ability to change the situation in the direction I want it to go. • Instead of trying to get away from the shame I can see it as a “warning” that helps me to see that I am in touch with my judgments and not with my needs.

Taking Advantage of Shame From Shame to Connection

Follow the four steps below to regain connection and inner balance after a shame attack. 1a. Experience the effects on the body that shame has. It can be experienced as warm waves that will make you blush or as a discomfort in the stomach. 1b. Remind yourself that it is valuable to get in touch with your feelings and needs. Do not do anything to avoid or numb the shame. If you act before you have connected with yourself, it is possible that you will do something you will later regret. 2. Realize that you need support and that you will benefit from sharing how you feel with another human being. 3. Get in touch with someone you know can listen and tell him or her what you are ashamed of. If no one is available, make sure to take the time to listen to yourself with compassion. Shame cannot keep us in its grip when we experience empathic connection. 4. If you did not perceive the shame erupt through your body, you can recognize it in how you move in any of the directions in the compass of needs. (See chapter five.)

Shame and Vulnerability Being Ashamed of Feeling Ashamed Innate Shame Cultural Shame Disgust and Dissmell Time Goes, Shame Stays The Shame of Untidiness Shame Gets in the Way of Learning Childhood Shame Teenage Shame The Place of Shame in Child Rearing Reasons Why it Could Be Wrong to Steal Shame and Honor To Take on Somebody Else’s Shame Sex and Shame Practice Dealing with Shame List Shameful Events The Laughter of Shame Use Words to Explore Shame Shame in Important Relationships Your Daily Shame A Day of Shame Shame-filled Relationships Chapter 5

The Compass of Needs

Learning to Recognize Shame The Compass of Needs Whose Fault Is It? Who Has the Power? Four Directions for Dealing with Shame What Does Your Compass Show?

1. We move away from shame by hiding, being silent and giving up on our requests and dreams. 2. We move towards shame by showing that we are willing to submit and shrink ourselves to fit in. 3. We invade shame through rebelling against any sign of it. We do this by doing the things we are afraid of, doing what is unusual and what is startling, all of which demonstrate our independence. 4. We learn to attack anything that is shameful to us. We do this by trying to gain power over others, becoming angry and inducing shame.

1. We Withdraw 2. Looking for What Is Wrong With Ourselves “It’s My Fault” 3. Rebellion - Invading the Feeling of Shame “I Couldn’t Care Less” 4. Looking for What is Wrong With Others “They Are to Blame!” Summary Four Directions Supporting Others in Dealing With Shame 1. When Someone Chooses to Withdraw 2. When Someone Blames Him or Herself 3. When Someone Chooses to Rebel 4. When Someone Chooses to Attack and Blame Others From Shame to Vulnerability

Favorite Identities Unwanted identities

Keep a Diary to Get to Know Shame Examples of Situations for the Dairy

Example A: Example B: Example C: Example D: Example E: Example F:

Chapter 6

Pride

Pride Goeth Before a Fall? Pride and Appreciation Shame of Appreciation Three Types of Pride

Pride Borrowed pride False pride How to celebrate when we feel proud How to transform borrowed pride to gain more power to satisfy our own needs How can we transform false pride

To Be Ashamed of Somebody Else Chapter 7

The Surprising Purpose of Anger

Rapid Transformation When you are angry - remind yourself that

1. You are angry because some of your needs have not been met. 2. You are angry because you are blaming someone else for not getting your needs met. 3. If you express yourself when you are angry, chances are that you do so in a way that does not help you get what you need.

The Core of Violence Entertainment Violence The Lost Way of Using Anger Anger – an Alarm Bell Count to Ten From Shame to Anger to Violence When We See Anger as Something Wrong Five Steps to Accepting and Dealing with Anger

1. Stop. Breathe. Do or say nothing. 2. Allow yourself to give clear space to all judgments and demands. Observe what happens inside you when you embrace your judgments (rather than trying to battle them with more judgments). 3. Connect with the needs behind the judgments and demands. 4. Connect with what you feel. When the feeling changes from anger to another, equally strong feeling, you are connected to your needs. 5. Express the feelings, as well as the needs that are not being met, and a request that you believe will help in meeting the needs

Give - But Only If It Is Voluntary Behind the Anger Shame Is Lurking Angry Women Children’s Anger To Protect Rather Than to Punish Summary of Assumptions That Can Help us Deal With Anger Practice Anger Management What Makes You Angry? Transform Your Anger Express Anger After Having Transformed It Chapter 8

Nagging Guilt

Nagging Guilt When you feel guilty, remind yourself that

1. You feel guilty because you have at least two needs that are not being met, and, 2. Both these needs are important and beautiful. 3. You feel guilty because you think that these needs can not be met without somebody having to give up something or because you do not see the beauty of these needs; 4. If you act before you have contact with these needs, you will act in a way that will be costly, no matter what you choose to do.

The Difference Between Shame and Guilt Guilt and Shame-inducing Restructuring Guilt - Transforming Guilt to Needs Transforming Guilt

1. When you feel guilty, stop, breathe, and connect with what is going on inside you. 2. Give space for all judgments and should-thinking. Listen to the thoughts, but do not act on them. 3. Ask yourself what needs these thoughts are trying to remind you of. 4. Ask yourself what needs would be met if you choose not to do what you say to yourself that you should do. 5. Ask yourself what you can do to meet, or at least take into account, both the needs you found in paragraphs 3 and 4. 6. Act when the feeling of guilt shifts, even if you have not found out how you can meet all needs. Allow yourself to mourn the needs you do not see how to meet right now.

Stop Playing God! Guilt and Demands Scapegoating Self-confidence and Self-esteem

Self-confidence: Self-esteem:

Freedom from Guilt Money and Guilt Inventory of What Stimulates Guilt One of my own guilt examples: An Exciting Day of Exploring Guilt Afterword Reference DVD, CD About the Author Also by Liv Larsson in English

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