Sex Without Stress · A Couple's Guide to Overcoming Disappointment, Avoidance & Pressure by Zimmerman, Jessa -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title page Copyright page Dedication Testimonials Acknowledgments Contents Chapter 1. Help Is Here: An Introduction

Are you avoiding your sex life? I want to help Who is this for? What do I know? What will you learn? Create understanding Figure out what’s going on and what’s your part Take action to change your sex life A few disclaimers

Section 1: Set the Stage for Success Chapter 2. The Sexual Avoidance Cycle

Sex feels disappointing You begin avoiding sex The pressure mounts

Chapter 3. Your Expectations Are the Problem

Expectations are informed by your history and culture Pornography shapes your expectations Sexual myths spawn unrealistic expectations

You and Your Partner Should Want to Have the Same Amount of Sex. Men Want Sex More Than Women, and They’re Always Ready to Go. You Should Feel Spontaneous Desire for Sex; You Should Feel “horny.” Sex Is Natural; It Shouldn’t Take Work. You and Your Partner Should Know What the Other Wants; You Shouldn’t Have to Communicate. Women Should Orgasm Through Vaginal Penetration Alone. Men Should Last a Long Time. If You Are in a Good Sexual Relationship, Neither of You Should Masturbate.

Your Takeaways

Chapter 4. Change Your Mindset

What is sex? Adopt some new rules

You Are Responsible for Yourself. You Are Responsible for Your Own Pleasure. Say No When You Need to Say No. What You Want Is Okay.* Open Is Better Than Vulnerable. Real Safety Comes From Honesty. Ask for What You Want but Tolerate Not Getting It. It Is Your Job to Share What’s on Your Mind. Lay Your Cards Down First. Allow Yourself to Be Seen. Empathize First, Then Respond. Address the “interpersonal Gap.” You Can Read Your Partner; Admit It. Validate Yourself Rather Than Depend on Validation From Your Partner. Overcome Obstacles.

Section 2: Discover the Issues and Your Role in Them Chapter 5. Honey, Can We Talk?

Differentiate between feelings and thoughts Use “I” language Confront yourself first Make a request but remain flexible Anticipate pushback

Chapter 6. Who Packed Your Bags?

Look at your family history

Power in Your Family Love and Support Sex Conflict Substance Abuse and Mental Illness Secrets

Examine your sexual history

About Sex Your Sexual Identity Early Sexual Experiences

Sexual trauma Previous relationships Your Takeaways

Chapter 7. What Are You Avoiding?

Consider sexual desire issues and the desire discrepancy

Desire Discrepancy Trap: For the Person With More Desire Desire Discrepancy Trap: For the Person With Less Desire Desire Discrepancy Trap: Both of You

Consider performance issues Consider issues of loss

Loss With Illness and Disability Loss With Sexual Trauma Loss With Changes in Sexual Functioning Loss Around Pregnancy and Childbearing The Loss With Disconnection From Your Partner

Consider relationship issues Consider lack of knowledge and experience Examine sex negativity and shame Look at issues due to aging Children have an impact Consider any trauma you or your partner have experienced Consider the impacts of illness and disability Examine body image issues Sexual aversion can be a problem Gender issues can affect your sex life Medical and surgical changes need to be considered Your Takeaways

Chapter 8. What Is Your Unique Dance?

Who initiates sex and how? How do you talk about sex? What happens during sex itself? What happens after (and between) sex? Your Takeaways

Chapter 9. What’s on Your Side of the Court?

Handle your desire discrepancy

Your “job” if You Want Less Sex Than Your Partner Your “job” if You Want More Sex Than Your Partner

Master your own emotional regulation Adjust your expectations Give your partner the benefit of the doubt Be honest Your Takeaways Carol and Todd Beth and Yara Jenny and Rich Tom and Grant

Section 3: The Action Plan Chapter 10. Put Insight into Action

The Giver/Receiver exercise will be your tool

Directions

The Receiver’s Jobs:

1. Access desire 2. Ask for what you want 3. Allow yourself to receive 4. Pay attention to your experience

The Giver’s Jobs:

1. Say no if you NEED to say no 2. If you just WANT to say no, then choose to do it anyway 3. If it’s neutral or easy to do, see if you can get in an open-hearted space of wanting to give 4. Pay attention to your experience

Here are some important notes for the Giver/Receiver exercise

You can’t do this wrong Don’t be discouraged if things seem to go badly You do not have to be feeling great to do the exercise The more you do this, the more you will get out of it Keep in mind that each of you is responsible for your own side of the court The exercise will mirror some of the desire politics of your relationship

Use the exercise for growth

Chapter 11. The 9 Phases of Taking the Stress Out of Sex

Phase 1—Prioritizing Intimacy

Using the Receiver Exercise—Prioritizing Intimacy Pitfall: Not Doing the Exercise Breakthrough: Holding Yourself Accountable and Getting It Done

Phase 2—Communicating About Sex

Using the Receiver Exercise—Communicating about Sex Pitfall: Not Being Able to Ask for What You Want Breakthrough: Getting Comfortable Talking About Sex

Phase 3—Accessing Desire

Using the Receiver Exercise—Accessing Desire Pitfall 1: Not Knowing What You Want Breakthrough 1: Learning What You Want Pitfall 2: Struggling to Want Breakthrough 2: Allowing Yourself to Want

Phase 4—Enjoying the Journey

Using the Receiver Exercise—Enjoying the Journey Pitfall: Being Attached to a Goal Breakthrough: Letting Go of the Goal

Phase 5—Learning to Be Present

Using the Receiver Exercise—Learning to be Present Pitfall 1: Being Steeped in Self-Criticism And/or Self-Consciousness Breakthrough 1: Stopping the Self-Talk/criticism Pitfall 2: Being Stuck in Your Head, Distracted Breakthrough 2: Settling Down Your Mind

Phase 6—Being Okay With No

Using the Receiver Exercise—Being Okay With No

Pitfall 1: Struggling to Say No Appropriately Breakthrough 1: Learning to Take Care of Yourself Pitfall 2: A Problem Hearing No Breakthrough 2: Celebrating Hearing No

Phase 7—Being Selfish

Using the Receiver Exercise—Being Selfish Pitfall: Inability to Put Yourself First Breakthrough: Giving Yourself Permission to Be Selfish

Phase 8—Giving

Using the Receiver Exercise—Giving

Pitfall 1: Difficulty Hearing Direction Breakthrough 1: Loving Direction Pitfall 2: Not Liking What Your Partner Chooses Breakthrough 2: Enjoyment of Pleasing Them Pitfall 3: Judging Your Partner Breakthrough 3: Letting Go of Judgment

Phase 9—Exploring Eroticism

Using the Receiver Exercise—Exploring eroticism Pitfall 1: Inability to Put Your Erotic Desires Into Words Breakthrough 1: Finding a Way to Communicate With Your Partner, So They Can Meet Your Desires, as They Are Able Pitfall 2: Not Enjoying the Same Erotic Scenes That Your Partner Does, and It Seems to Go Badly Breakthrough 2: Working With Your Overlap as Well as Playing Within Boundaries That Make It a Positive Experience Try a version of the exercise focused on taking and allowing pleasure Carol and Todd Beth and Yara Jenny and Rich Tom and Grant

Chapter 12. What’s Next?

More Support Is on the Way An online course Workshops and retreats A free Facebook group A card “game” An online erotic quiz A private membership group

Resources About the Author

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