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NUTS TO CRACK;
Quips, Quirks, Anecdote and Facete
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE
PREFACE.
CONTENTS.
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE
NUTS TO CRACK;
QUIPS, QUIRKS, ANECDOTE AND FACETE.
WAS OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE FIRST FOUNDED?
JEU DE POESIE.
THE PRECEDENCE OF OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE.
THIS CELEBRATED CONTROVERSY
DIED OF LITERARY MORTIFICATION,
SIR SIMON D’EWES,
GONE TO JERUSALEM.
A CUTTING RETORT
LIBERTY A PLANT.
A TAILOR BEING TAKEN BY SURPRISE,
REASONS FOR NOT PUBLISHING.
DECLINING KING GEORGE.
CLASSICAL JEU D’ESPRIT
A TRAIT OF BARROW.
INVETERATE SMOKERS.
LOVER OF TOBACCO,
A WAGER,
GAME IN EVERY BUSH.
NEWTON’S TOAST.
THE PIETY OF RAY,
THE DEVIL LOOKING OVER LINCOLN.
RADCLIFFE’S LIBRARY.
TRAITS OF DR. BATHURST’S WIT AND HABITS.
HE FREQUENTLY CARRIED A WHIP IN HIS HAND,
WHIPPED EVEN TO THE TWENTIETH YEAR.
BE A SMART FELLOW,
MILTON WAS BELASHED
EPIGRAM ON AN EPIGRAM,
TELL US WHAT YOU CAN’T DO?
THE FIRST WOMEN INTRODUCED INTO A CLOISTER.
THE CAMBRIDGE SCHOLAR AND THE GHOST OF A SCRAG OF MUTTON.
COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.
JAUNT DOWN A PATIENT’S THROAT.
THIS DIFFERENCE OF OPINION
AN EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAITRE PHYSICIAN.
PORSON,
BOASTING AT A CAMBRIDGE PARTY,
BISHOP HEBER’S COLLEGE PUNS.
A WORTHY OF THE SAME SCHOOL,
KEEP HIS DOOR SPORTED FOR A WEEK,
PLUCKED AT THEIR DIVINITY EXAMINATION,
COMPLIMENT TO THE MEN OF EXETER COLLEGE, OXON.
HIS GRACE OF WELLINGTON
ANOTHER OXONIAN WAS POSED,
LAPSUS GRAMMATICÆ
THAT THE LATIN TONGUE BE USED,
EFFECT OF HABIT.
THE CONCUSSION.
COMIC PICTURE OF THE ELECTION OF A PROVOST OF KING’S COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
SIR, DOMINUS, MAGISTRI, SIR GREENE.
HUSBANDS MAY BEAT THEIR WIVES.
ANOTHER ATTACK ON THE LADIES
EXTRAORDINARY DOINGS AT MERTON.
DIGGING YOUR GRAVES WITH YOUR TEETH.
DR. TORKINGTON’S GRATITUDE TO HIS HORSE.
SAY JOHN SHARP IS A ROGUE.
“I SAID AS HOW YOU’D SEE.”
I NOW LEAVE YOU TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS YOU PLEASE.
THE MAD PETER-HOUSE POET.
THE GRACE CUP OF PEMBROKE-HALL, CAMBRIDGE.
THE TERTIAVIT
A MORE CAPACIOUS BOWL
HORN OF DIVERSION,
ANOTHER BIBULOUS RELIQUE
A LAUDABLE AND CHRISTIAN CUSTOM,
THEIR FEAST DAYS,
A MUSICAL MAY-DAY COMMEMORATION,
ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST DAY.
SIR ROBERT WALPOLE AT CAMBRIDGE.
A COLLEGE DINNER AT THE END OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY:—
AN ACCOUNT OF THE WINE, &c., CONSUMED AT A COLLEGE AUDIT.
THE BLACK-NIGHT.
THE FORCE OF IMAGINATION.
HIS ABSENT HABITS,
THE EARLY POETS BRED IN THE HALLS OF GRANTA,
VERY EASY TO WRITE LIKE A FOOL.”
“THE LADY OF THE COLLEGE;”
BOTH THESE ALUMNI,
‘HE NEVER WAS A BOY.’”
CROMWELL’S PEAR-TREE
OTHER MEMORIALS OF CROMWELL
DRYDEN CONFINED TO COLLEGE WALLS.
EXPELLED FROM CAIUS COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
PRIOR LAID OUT THE WALKS OF ST. JOHN’S
STUNG BY A B.
A NEST OF SAXONISTS.
COLE, RELATES A PLEASANT MISTAKE,
MINDING THE ROAST.
SPECIMEN OF A COLLEGE EXERCISE,
TULIP-TIME.
THE COLLEGE BELL.
COLLEGE FUN.
THE KING OF DENMARK AT CAMBRIDGE.
WILLIAM THE FOURTH, ANNOUNCED HIS INTENTION TO VISIT CAMBRIDGE.
DURING QUEEN ELIZABETH’S SECOND VISIT TO OXFORD,
WHEN QUEEN ELIZABETH FIRST VISITED CAMBRIDGE,
THE FIRST DISSENTER IN ENGLAND,
THE FIRST ENGLISH PLAY EXTANT:
TITLE:
BRIEF SKETCH OF THE PLOT.
A NEWE TESTAMENT IN GREEK,
“SEMPER UNA.
THE SCHOLARS OF CHRIST CHURCH, OXFORD, INVENTED MOVEABLE SCENES.
JAMES THE FIRST AND HIS COURT CAME TO OXFORD,
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE SEEMED RIVALS
EXTRAORDINARY DIVINITY ACT,
THE FAMOUS CAMBRIDGE LATIN COMEDY,
TO PLACE THE VICE-CHANCELLOR BEFORE THE MAYOR,
AN OXONIAN AND A BISHOP,
BRIEF NOTICE OF THE BOAR’S HEAD CAROL, AS SUNG IN QUEEN’S COLLEGE, OXFORD, ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
A CAROL BRINGING IN THE BORES HEED.
THIS CUSTOM
RYGHTE EXCELLENTE SONG IN HONOUR OF THE CELEBRATION OF THE BOAR’S HEAD, AT QUEEN’S COLLEGE, OXFORD.
CLEAVING THE BLOCK,
THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING LITTLE.
THE FOLLOWING LATIN EPIGRAM:
IN ENGLISH, AS MUCH AS TO SAY:
BISHOPS BLOMFIELD AND MONK,
PRONOUNCED HIM THE GREATEST SCHOLAR IN EUROPE,
PORSON WAS A GREAT MASTER OF IAMBIC MEASURE,
PORSON AND WAKEFIELD
HE OBTAINED THE SOUBRIQUET OF JUDGE BLACKSTONE.
DR. EDWARD DANIEL CLARKE,
A BALLOON, WITH WHICH HE AMUSED THE UNIVERSITY,
“WITH TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE SOME MUST BURN,”
THREE BLUE BEANS IN A BLADDER.
THE THREE UNIVERSITY BEDELS,
NO SCHOLAR IN EUROPE UNDERSTOOD THEM BETTER.
BENTLEIAN ANECDOTE
THE GREAT GAUDY OF THE ALL-SOULS’ MALLARD.
THE ALL-SOULS’ MALLARD.
ANOTHER OXFORD DREAM PRECEDED THE FOUNDATION OF ST. JOHN’S COLLEGE.
A POINT OF PRECEDENCE SETTLED.
COMPLIMENTS TO THE LEARNED OF BOTH UNIVERSITIES.
“MALLEUS PAPISTARUM.”
“THE WALKING DICTIONARY.”
DOCTOR SUBTILIS;
DOCTOR INVINCIBILIS;
PROFOUND
DOCTOR EVANGELICUS.
THE WALKING LIBRARY;”
“THE WONDERFUL,”
“THE JUDICIOUS.”
JOHN LELAND,
LORD MOUNTJOY
ATTACK THE ERRORS OF LUTHER.
VIR EGREGIE DOCTUS,
“BLANDÆ ELOQUENTIÆ JUVENEM.”
A POINT OF ETIQUETTE.
THE VALUE OF A SYLLABLE.
“COCKS MAY CROW.”
BAND OF PROFANE SCOFFERS
DID NOT THE LESS REVERENCE RELIGION,
THE MEMORY OF JEMMY GORDON,
SIMILAR STORY IS TOLD OF AN OXFORD WAG,
CAMBRIDGE FROLICS.
SWEARING LIKE A COMMON SOLDIER?’
CASE OF BLACK RASH,
THE FATE OF THE DOCTOR’S OLD GRIZZLE WIG.
TWO OTHER SHOOTING ANECDOTES.
A PARTY OF OXONIANS,
BISHOP WATSON’S OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS PROGRESS AT CAMBRIDGE.
PALEY’S SKETCH OF HIS EARLY ACADEMICAL LIFE.
THE LOUNGER. BY AN OXONIAN.
AN OXFORD HOAX AND A PURITAN DETECTED.
MORE THAN ONE GOOD SAYING
HORACE WALPOLE A SAINT.
A CAMBRIDGE CONUNDRUM,
A BISHOP’S INTEREST.
OXFORD FAMOUS FOR ITS SOPHISTS.
A VICE-CHANCELLOR’S BEING LACONIC.
‘SOPHISTRIA SECUNDUM USUM OXON.’
TWO PERT OXONIANS
CORRUPTED THE LATIN TONGUE
THE OXONIANS SURPASSED ARISTOTLE
HE SET ARISTOTLE WITH HIS HEELS UPWARDS ON THE SCHOOL GATES,
THEY FIRST EXEMPLIFIED THE ART OF CUTTING,
CROMWELL’S SOLDIERS AT A DISPUTATION AT OXFORD.
TROOPS BEING RAISED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD,
A COPY OF VERSES ON THE DOCTOR’S DEATH.
CAPTAIN RAG
THE THREE DAINTY MORSELS.
ANSWERED IN KIND.
POWERS OF DIGESTION.
A CAMBRIDGE D.D.,
THE INSIDE PASSENGER.
PALEY’S CELEBRATED SCHOOL ACT.
HE WAS NOT FOND OF CLASSICAL STUDIES,
HE WAS NOT SKILLED IN PROSODY;
A SPICE OF CUTTING HUMOUR
A RULE OF HIS.
HE WAS UNLIKE DR. PARR.
HE WAS NEVER A GOOD HORSEMAN.
HIS TWO OR THREE REASONS FOR EXCHANGING LIVINGS.
A DISCIPLE OF IZAAK WALTON,
HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTED TO WRITE.
A CONTRAST TO DR. GOLDSMITH,
PALEY’S DIFFICULTIES A USEFUL LESSON TO YOUTH.
IN HIS POVERTY HE WAS LIKE PARR.
PORSON, TOO, WAS A CONTRAST TO PALEY.
ANECDOTE OF THE GREAT LORD BURLEIGH AND THE DISSENTERS OF HIS DAY.
OTHER SAYINGS OF THIS GREAT MAN
PORSON’S PROGRESS IN KNOWLEDGE.
A GENTLEMAN WITHOUT SIXPENCE IN HIS POCKET.
GREEK PROTESTANTS AT OXFORD.
JUDGMENT OF ERASMUS ON THE CAMBRIDGE FOLK.
BEDMAKERS OR GYPS.
DROPS OF BRANDY.
THE DIRTY-SHIRT CLUB.
DESSERT FOR TWENTY.
A HINT FOR GOWNSMEN.
MARVELLOUS STRIDES ON THE ROAD TO WEALTH,
ANOTHER SPECIES OF FRAUD
THE SOURCE OF DR. PARR’S ELOQUENCE.
ADDRESS TO HIS TEA-CHEST,
AS A SPICE OF THEIR JOINT VANITY,
ASSURING HIMSELF A PLACE AMONGST THE GREEK SCHOLARS OF HIS DAY.
ANOTHER SPICE OF HIS VANITY
I STILL MAINTAIN MY OPINION.”
IT IS THE PRIVILEGE OF WOMEN TO TALK NONSENSE.”
REPROOFS OF IGNORANCE TALKING WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF KNOWLEDGE.
BEING MUCH ANNOYED
HE MATCHED A TRICK OF THE DEVIL.
THREE CLASSICAL PUNS:
HIS LAW ACT AT CAMBRIDGE.
“THERE IS A PLEASANT STORY
AN ACT KEPT BY DR. MILNER,
EPIGRAM
NOVEL REVENGE.
THEY TAKE THEM AS THEY COME.
THE DARLING SON OF HIS MOTHER,
MISCALCULATING MAMMA,
PRESENTING HIS FAVOURITE SON
ITER ACADEMICUM; OR, THE GENTLEMAN COMMONER’S MATRICULATION.
A STORY
FRESHMEN OFTEN AFFORD MIRTH
ANOTHER FRESHMAN
WE MUST DO SOMETHING FOR THE POOR LOST YOUNG MAN.
LIKE O’ WHISSONSET CHURCH.
CUSTOM, WHIM, FASHION, AND CAPRICE,
A HEAVY FINE TO APPEAR IN BOOTS.
YELLOW STOCKINGS.
THE FASHION OF THE HAIR
THE FIRST PRELATE THAT WORE A WIG
THE OXFORD SCHOLARS WERE PROHIBITED FROM WEARING BOOTS AND SPURS.
UNDERGRADUATE, WHIPPING,
ARCHBISHOP BANCROFT
WAKEFIELD’S EPIGRAM ON THE FLYING BARBER OF CAMBRIDGE,
THE ISTHMUS OF SUEZ.
YOU ARE TO PRAY AND FIGHT, NOT TO DRINK FOR THE CHURCH.
SIGNS OF A GOOD APPETITE.
A COLLEGE QUIZ.
SUCKING THE MILK OF BOTH UNIVERSITIES
LIKE RABELAIS,
AMBASSADORS OF KING JESUS AT OXFORD.
A SURPRISING EFFORT OF INTELLECT.
JUDGMENT OF PROFESSOR HALLIFAX.
THE CELEBRATED OXONIAN, DEAN TUCKER,
OH! FOR A DISTICH.
SKELETON SERMONS.
I WISH HE HAD PAID IT FIRST.
A MIND TO MAKE TRIAL OF THE STOCKS,
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PRATT,
HISSING VERSUS MONEY.
TWO OXFORD SCHOLARS POSING DR. HAYES,
GROSS INDEED.
PUN UPON PYE.
THE CAMBRIDGE FAMILY OF SPINTEXTS
DOCTOR ISAAC BARROW,
DOCTOR SAMUEL PARR.
ANOTHER CLASS OF PREACHERS
THE THREE-HEADED PRIEST.
MY BEEF BURNT TO A CINDER.
SHORT HAND WRITING WAS INVENTED BY A CANTAB,
THE HUMBLE PETITION OF THE LADIES.
A NATURAL TURN FOR HUMOUR,
INGENIOUS REPARTEES
CELEBRATED ALL OVER GERMANY.
REBUSES AT OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE.
BECKINGTON.
ALCOCK,
EGLESFIELD,
ASHTON.
LAKE LEMAN.
SOMETHING IN YOUR WAY.
DUNS
ODE ON THE PLEASURE OF BEING OUT OF DEBT.
QUEERING A DUN.
GRAY THE POET A CONTRAST TO BISHOP WARBURTON.
VALUE OF A WORD SPOKE IN DUE SEASON,
THE CANONS OF CRITICISM,
BISHOP BARRINGTON’S SPLENDID GIFT, AND OTHER TRAITS OF HIM.
AN ADMIRABLE PULPIT ADMONITION
THE SIMPLICITY OF GREAT MINDS.
“OF WHAT COUNTRY MARINES WERE?”
WATCH DOING TO A TURN IN THE SAUCEPAN.
A HOST OF SINGULARITIES
HIS WIG AND HAT FELL INTO THE WATER,
HIS TRIPLE, THRICE-CONFUSED DISCOURSE,
THE CELEBRATED LORD SANDWICH,
THE INVENTOR OF SANDWICHES.
LAPSUS LINGUÆ.
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE LOYALTY.
THE CUSHION PLOT,
THE DANGER OF DRINKING THE KING’S HEALTH.
“THE CONSTITUTION CLUB,”
AMONGST THE CAMBRIDGE CLUBS
THE RETROGRADATION AMONGST MASTERS, TUTORS, AND SCHOLARS.
THERE IS AN ON-DIT,
THE WORCESTER GOBLIN.
RECORDS OF THE CAMBRIDGE TRIPOSES.
THE WOODEN SPOON.
THE POLL; OR, ὉΙ ΠΟΛΛΟΙ:
ODE TO THE UNAMBITIOUS AND UNDISTINGUISHED BACHELORS.
A RARE MATHEMATICAL WIND.”
“HE WAS RAISING APPLE-PIE TO THE Tth POWER:”
THE CLASSICAL TRIPOS AND THE WOODEN WEDGE.
A PREVIOUS EXAMINATION
SYLLOGISTIC EXERCISE FOR THE LITTLE-GO MEN.
A DREADFUL FIT OF RHEUMATISM.
DR. PARR AN INGRATE.
MON DIEU—LE DIABLE.
SOME CRITICAL CIVILITIES.
BENTLEY SAID OF JOSHUA BARNES,
SIR BUSICK AND SIR ISAAC AGAIN.
COLE: DEUM.
THE FRESHMAN’S PUZZLE.
A SLY HUMOURIST.
A STORY OF A NOBLE OXONIAN,
IT IS RELATED OF THE SAME OXFORD WAG,
WAS A PERSON OF SUCH CONSUMMATE GRAVITY,
INVENTORY OF GOODS FOR SALE.
NEW WORKS
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