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Index
Cover Title Page Copyright Epigraph F OREWORD · If Not Me, Who? M E THE P EOPLE · An Order to Form a More Perfect Union THE NEW CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA T HE P REAMBLE TO THE N EW C ONSTITUTION It’s Greek to Thee T HE L EGISLATIVE B RANCH An Imbalance of Power T HE E XECUTIVE B RANCH We Pledge Allegiance to That Guy Who Wanted to Be President So Damn Badly T HE J UDICIAL B RANCH The Whole System’s Out of Order, and Other Perfectly Valid Clichés ARTICLE IV · T HE S TATES What’s the Matter with Kansas? Also, What’s the Point of Nebraska? ARTICLE V · T HE A MENDMENT P ROCESS Honestly, We’re Pretty Sure We Screwed This Whole Thing Up ARTICLE VI · N O R ELIGIOUS T EST? Thank God, Because We Totally Didn’t Study for This ARTICLE VII · R ATIFICATION Hang Together or Hang Separately, but Don’t Hang Out in Rhode Island THE UNITED MISTAKES OF AMERICA T HE N EW A MENDMENTS TO THE N EW C ONSTITUTION T HE F IRST A MENDMENT Your Right to Say, “Because There’s Something Called the First Amendment in This Country, Buddy!” T HE S ECOND A MENDMENT Starring Charlton Heston’s “Cold, Dead Hands!” T HE T HIRD A MENDMENT Knock Knock! Who’s There? A Soldier! A Soldier Who? A Soldier Who Demands to Be Quartered During Peacetime! T HE F OURTH A MENDMENT Hail, Seizer! T HE F IFTH A MENDMENT The Amendment Guilty People Use T HE S IXTH A MENDMENT Establishing Your Right to Be Judged by a Jury Comprised of People Exactly Like You, and Really, Congratulations on That T HE S EVENTH A MENDMENT Yes, There Is One T HE E IGHTH A MENDMENT Cruel, I Get; but What’s So Wrong with Unusual? T HE N INTH A MENDMENT My Ninth Amendment Is to Ask for a Zillion More Amendments T HE T ENTH A MENDMENT The Amendment to the Constitution That Does Not Amend the Constitution FOOTNOTES TO HISTORY S EVENTEEN M ORE A MENDMENTS TO A DDRESS T HREE M ORE P ROBLEMS Booze, Servants, and Suffrage N EXT R OUND’S ON M E · The Amendments Involving Alcohol S UFFRAGING F OOLS G LADLY · The Amendments About Voting J UDGE U S N OT BY THE C OLOR OF O UR S KIN, BUT BY THE C ON-TEST OF O UR C HARACTERS · The Amendments Addressing Slavery and Discrimination P OSTAMBLE: S IGNED , S EALED , D ELIVERED F ROM P REAMBLE TO M E-AMBLE · or, One Man’s Successful Quest to Save the Constitution, and Why, in the End, No Thanks Are Necessary Dedication A CKNOWLEDGMENTS · Giving Full Faith and Credit Where Credit Is Due A PPENDIX · The Declaration of Independence from the Constitution of the United States About the Author
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