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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Epigraph
F OREWORD · If Not Me, Who?
M E THE P EOPLE · An Order to Form a More Perfect Union
THE NEW CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
T HE P REAMBLE TO THE N EW C ONSTITUTION
It’s Greek to Thee
T HE L EGISLATIVE B RANCH
An Imbalance of Power
T HE E XECUTIVE B RANCH
We Pledge Allegiance to That Guy Who Wanted to Be President So Damn Badly
T HE J UDICIAL B RANCH
The Whole System’s Out of Order, and Other Perfectly Valid Clichés
ARTICLE IV · T HE S TATES
What’s the Matter with Kansas? Also, What’s the Point of Nebraska?
ARTICLE V · T HE A MENDMENT P ROCESS
Honestly, We’re Pretty Sure We Screwed This Whole Thing Up
ARTICLE VI · N O R ELIGIOUS T EST?
Thank God, Because We Totally Didn’t Study for This
ARTICLE VII · R ATIFICATION
Hang Together or Hang Separately, but Don’t Hang Out in Rhode Island
THE UNITED MISTAKES OF AMERICA
T HE N EW A MENDMENTS TO THE N EW C ONSTITUTION
T HE F IRST A MENDMENT
Your Right to Say, “Because There’s Something Called the First Amendment in This Country, Buddy!”
T HE S ECOND A MENDMENT
Starring Charlton Heston’s “Cold, Dead Hands!”
T HE T HIRD A MENDMENT
Knock Knock! Who’s There? A Soldier! A Soldier Who? A Soldier Who Demands to Be Quartered During Peacetime!
T HE F OURTH A MENDMENT
Hail, Seizer!
T HE F IFTH A MENDMENT
The Amendment Guilty People Use
T HE S IXTH A MENDMENT
Establishing Your Right to Be Judged by a Jury Comprised of People Exactly Like You, and Really, Congratulations on That
T HE S EVENTH A MENDMENT
Yes, There Is One
T HE E IGHTH A MENDMENT
Cruel, I Get; but What’s So Wrong with Unusual?
T HE N INTH A MENDMENT
My Ninth Amendment Is to Ask for a Zillion More Amendments
T HE T ENTH A MENDMENT
The Amendment to the Constitution That Does Not Amend the Constitution
FOOTNOTES TO HISTORY
S EVENTEEN M ORE A MENDMENTS TO A DDRESS T HREE M ORE P ROBLEMS
Booze, Servants, and Suffrage
N EXT R OUND’S ON M E · The Amendments Involving Alcohol
S UFFRAGING F OOLS G LADLY · The Amendments About Voting
J UDGE U S N OT BY THE C OLOR OF O UR S KIN, BUT BY THE C ON-TEST OF O UR C HARACTERS · The Amendments Addressing Slavery and Discrimination
P OSTAMBLE: S IGNED , S EALED , D ELIVERED
F ROM P REAMBLE TO M E-AMBLE · or, One Man’s Successful Quest to Save the Constitution, and Why, in the End, No Thanks Are Necessary
Dedication
A CKNOWLEDGMENTS · Giving Full Faith and Credit Where Credit Is Due
A PPENDIX · The Declaration of Independence from the Constitution of the United States
About the Author
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