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Index
Cover
Title Page
Contents
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Introduction A Pair of White Socks in a Pantyhose World
1. If You Thought the Wedding Was Bad ...
2. The Mother Mystique
Who Is I. Dunno?
At What Age Is a Child Capable of Dressing Himself?
Haven't I Always Loved Whatshisname Best?
"Why Can't We Have Our Own Apartment?"
Is There a Life After Mine?
"Why Can't Our Average Little Family Get Their Own TV Series?"
3. Who Killed Apple Pie?
Primer for Imaginative Children
4. The Varicose Open
5. Profile of a Martyress
Profile of a Martyr
6. "Have a Good Day"
7. "Warning: Families May Be Dangerous to Your Health"
8. There Ought to Be a Law ...
A Baby's Bill of Rights
The Hernia Amendment to the National Anthem
Kissing by Mutual Ratification
Search and Seizure Rights in the Laundry Room
Regulation of Interstate Shopping Cart Traffic
Truth in Fair Packaging of Children
Constitutionality of Drive-in Windows
Are Family Vacations Legal?
Illegal Possession of Junk Food
The Right to Declare War
Register Camera Nuts
9. "Gametime"
Joe Carter's Jubilance and Excitement Seminar
10. Fashions and Fads That Underwhelmed Me
11. How to Speak Child Fluently
Things My Mother Taught Me
12. "Travel Is So Broadening I Bought a Maternity Dress to Wear Home"
13. The Trick Is Knowing When to Laugh...
Microphones
No One Wins
The Unmailed Letter
Killing Your Mother
14. I'm Laughing So Hard I Can't Stop Crying
When Did I Become the Mother and the Mother Become the Child?
Mike and the Grass
My Turn
Beauty
"You Don't Love Me"
Are You Listening?
The Chimes
Epilogue
Motherhood
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Introduction
1. So You Want to Be a Mother?
2. Donna (Donna Reed Show), Harriet (Ozzie and Harriet), Barbara (Leave It to Beaver), Shirley (Partridge Family), Marjorie (Make Room for Daddy), Jane (Father Knows Best), Florence (The Brady Bunch)
3. Frank
4. Connie
5. Everybody Else's Mother
6. The First Day of School for "The Baby"
7. Pacifier Pioneers
8. Who Are Harder to Raise--Boys or Girls?
9. Donna
10. Hair
11. Sharon
12. Louise and Estelle
13. How I Spent My Summer by Laura Parsons. Age 11
14. The Five Greatest American Fiction Writers of All Time (Who Just Happen to Be Mothers)
15. Julie
16. The Special Mother
17. Ginny
18. ¿Se Habla English?
19. Dottie
20. Two Be or Not Two Be
21. Brooke
22. Born to Crisis
23. Cora
24. Stepmothers with Bad P.R.
Snow White's Stepmother
Cinderella's Stepmother
Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother
25. Pat
26. Five Classic Motherhood Speeches
1. "Why you cannot have a snake for a pet."
2. "So you've decided to pierce your ears."
3. "Do you know what time it is?"
4. "You want to borrow my WHAT?"
5. "Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about. YOU know!"
27. Sarah
28. Motherese
Oldies but Goodies
On Age
Guilt Grabbers
Great Exit Lines
Philosophical Bon-Bons
29. Janet
30. If You Can't Stand the Heat...Turn Off the Stove
31. "Every Puppy Should Have a Boy"
32. Treva
33. Anonymous
34. "Don't You Dare Bleed on Mom's Breakfast"
35. "Is Anyone Home?"
36. Primer of Guilt "Bless Me, Everybody, for I Have Sinned"
37. Rose
38. "Do I Have to Use My Own Money?"
39. The Spirit of Christmas...and Other Expenses
40. Mary
41. Ethel
42. Erma
Epilogue
The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Foreword
1. Station Wagons ... Ho!
Staking Out a Claim
Lot No. 15436 ... Where Are You?
The Original Settlers
The Telephone Representative
The Insurance Salesman
The Antique Dealer
2. Major Battles Fought in the Suburbs
Finding the Builder Who Built the House (1945-1954)
The Second-Car Ten-Day War
Getting Sex Out of the Schools and Back into the Gutter Where It Belongs
Saving the Recession from a Depression
The Picture Window
The Suburban Lawn
Barbie and Ken
3. The Great Plastic Rush
"You Will Come to My Home Party"
4. Hazards of Suburban Living
The Car Pool Crouch
The Neighborhood Nomad
The Elusive Washer Repairman
Trick Or Treat ... Sweetheart
The Identity Crisis
5. The Heartbreak of Psuburbaniasis
The Seven-Inch Plague
The Suburban Myth
Hosting a Famine
6. Ya Got Trouble
7. It Comes with the Territory
Loneliness
The Pampered Dog
The Garage Sale
8. Law and Order
Suburbian Gems Police Blotter
9. Put Your Winnebagos into a Circle and Fight
10. Super Mom!
11. The Volunteer Brigade
Crossword Puzzle
"I Am Your Playground Supervisor"
Wanda Wentworth; Schoolbus Driver
Ralph Corlis, The Coach Who Played to Lose
Confessions of an Officer in the Girl Scout Cookie Corps
12. "By God, We're Going to Be a Close-Knit Family if I Have to Chain You to the Bed!"
The Frozen Kiosk
Starving to Death at the Spiritual Family Feast
13. Postscript to Suburbian Gems
A Biography of Erma Bombeck
Copyright
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