Log In
Or create an account ->
Imperial Library
Home
About
News
Upload
Forum
Help
Login/SignUp
Index
COVER PAGE
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT PAGE
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION BY BEN STEIN
HOW TO RUIN YOUR LIFE
1 Don’t Learn Any Useful Skills
2 Don’t Learn Any Self-Discipline
3 Convince Yourself You’re the Center of the Universe
4 Never Accept Any Responsibility for Anything That Goes Wrong
5 Criticize Early and Often
6 Never Be Grateful
7 Know That You’re the Source of All Wisdom
8 Envy Everything; Appreciate Nothing
9 Be a Perfectionist
10 Think Too Big
11 Don’t Enjoy the Simple Things in Life
12 Fix Anyone and Everyone at Any Time
13 Treat the People Who Are Good to You Badly
14 Treat the People Who Are Bad to You Well
15 Hang Out with the Wrong Crowd
16 Make the People Around You Feel Small
17 Keep Score
18 Use Drugs and Alcohol Freely
19 Don’t Save Any Money
20 Ignore Your Family
21 Know That the Rules of Reasonable, Decent Conduct Don’t Apply to You
22 Live As If Truth Is Relative—a Distant Relative
23 Remember That No One Else Counts
24 Know That You Don’t Owe Anyone a Thing
25 Gamble with Money
26 Make It Clear: Pets Are for Losers
27 Don’t Clean Up After Yourself
28 Have No Respect for Age or Experience
29 Show Everyone Around You That You’re Holier Than Thou
30 Fight the Good Fight . . . Over Everything
31 Do It Your Way
32 Think the Worst of Everyone
33 Live Above Your Means
34 Be a Smart-Ass
35 Whenever Possible, Say “I Told You So”
Afterword
HOW TO RUIN YOUR LOVE LIFE
1 Know That Your Wishes Are the Only Ones That Matter in Any Situation
2 Rest Assured That You Know Better about Every Subject Than Your Lover
3 Live Your Life As If Only Your Feelings Count!
4 Point Out Your Lover’s Imperfections in Public
5 Never Admit That You’re Wrong or Apologize in Any Dispute
6 Overdramatize Everything
7 Demand Expensive Gifts from Your Lover
8 Never Be Grateful for the Gifts You Do Get
9 Carve It in Stone: Love Relationships Aren’t Partnerships—They’re Master-Servant Relationships, and You Are the Master (or Mistress)
10 Compare Your Lover with Lovers You’ve Dated in the Past
11 Talk about Yourself Exclusively
12 Remember That Your Lover Is Your Punching Bag
13 Act Moody and Sulky When Your Lover Gets Home—but Don’t Tell Him Why You’re Sulking!
14 Remember That Your Lover Is Also Your Assistant, Lawyer, Placement Officer, Apartment Finder, and Loan Broker
15 Don’t for a Moment Let Your Lover Believe That He’s Valued Just for Himself
16 Play Phone Games—That Is, Don’t Return Her Calls So She Can See How Cool and Aloof You Are
17 Make Fun of Your Lover’s Family
18 Let It Be Known That You Consider Affection to Be a Chore
19 If You’re Dating Someone Who Has a Lot of Problems, Is Generally a Mess, and All of Your Friends Dislike Him, Get Married Anyway—Marriage Will Cure All of Your Problems!
20 Don’t Ever Tell Your Lover, “I Love You”
21 Have a Relationship with Someone Who’s Never Happy and Is Always Down in the Dumps . . . and Believe You Can and Will Make Him Happy
22 Expect Your Lover to Look Like Someone Out of a Penthouse Centerfold
23 Feel Free to Say Any Cruel Thing You Want to Your Lover, and When Reproached about It, Say, “Hey, Can’t I Even Express My Feelings?”
24 Forbid Your Lover to See Her Friends
25 Only Pursue Men or Women Who Are Already Taken
26 Always Look Your Worst, or at Any Rate, Don’t Bother to Look Your Best
27 Be Consistently Surly and Unfriendly
28 Act Like a Big Baby on Dates
29 Take Total Possession of Your Lover’s Home
30 Flirt with Anyone and Everyone—in Front of Your Lover
31 Make the Decision That You’re Going to Marry for Money—and Don’t Let Love Enter into the Equation
32 If Your Lover Has Parents Who Are Simply Intolerable, Believe in Your Heart That He or She Will Turn Out Totally—or Even a Little Bit—Different from Those Parents
33 Act Out of Jealousy Any Old Time You Feel Like It; in Fact, Let Jealousy Rule Your Life
34 Trust That First Flush of Love, Affection, and Sexual Excitement—and Know That It Will Last Forever
35 Develop an Intense Relationship with Someone with Severe Personal Problems, and Believe in Your Heart That You Can Change Him
36 Have an Affair with Your Lover’s Best Friend or Roommate, and Trust That She’ll Never Find Out or Even Care!
37 Pretend to Be Someone You’re Not
38 Get Involved in Your Lover’s Family Business
39 Believe in Your Heart That There’s Always Someone Better Just Around the Corner, and Treat Your Current Lover Like He or She Is Merely a Temporary Substitute for the Real Thing
40 Act Morally Superior to Your Lover
41 Make Up Strict Rules of Conduct to Keep Your Lover Under Total Stalinist Control
42 Avoid Developing Any Common Interests
43 Don’t Value Your Lover’s Achievements
44 When Things Are Going Really Well, Start a Fight
Afterword
HOW TO RUIN YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE
1 Forget about Tomorrow
2 Know with Certainty That There Will Never Be Any Rainy Days in Your Life
3 Remember That Your Peace of Mind Is a Lot More Important Than the Few Pennies You’ll Save Worrying about Money
4 Save Money Only When You Feel Like It, and If You Just Don’t Feel Like Saving, Then Don’t!
5 Don’t Bother to Learn Anything at All about Investing
6 Spend As Much As You Want, and Don’t Be Afraid to Go into Debt
7 Set Up a High-Profile, High-Consumption Lifestyle with Enormous Fixed Expenses That You Can’t Afford
8 Compete with Your Friends to See Compete with Your Friends Who Can Spend the Most
9 Don’t Balance Your Checkbook or Keep Track of What You Spend
10 Forget to Pay Your Taxes
11 Truly Believe That You’re Only As Valuable As What You Own
12 Collect As Many Credit Cards As You Can, and Use Them Frequently
13 As Soon As You’ve Succeeded in Maxing Out Your Credit Cards . . . Get New Ones!
14 When You Get Your Credit-Card Bills, Pay Only the Minimum Each Month
15 Know in Your Heart of Hearts That You Will Never Run Out of Money
16 Repeat After Me: “I Am Not Responsible for My Financial Well-Being”
17 Trust That There’s Always More Money Coming In
18 Lend Money to Your Friends—Especially Your Girlfriend or boyfriend
19 Learn the Ultimate Rule of Success—Money Spent on Appearances Is the Best Money You Can Spend!
20 Play Lady—or Lord—Bountiful by Shelling Out Money to Everyone Around You
21 Don’t Worry about Retirement—It’s a L-O-O-N-N-G Way Off
22 Choose a Broker Based on His (or Her) Good Looks, Fashion Sense, and Gift of Gab
23 Attend a “Free” Financial Seminar, and Follow the Advice They “Sell” You to the Letter
24 Make a Point of Watching Those Late-Night Financial Success Infomercials
25 Rest Assured That If a Person Is Quoted in The Wall Street Journal or on TV, She (or He) Must Be Able to Forecast the Stock Market
26 Don’t Pay Any Attention to Financial Experts Who Urge You to Diversify—the Stock Market Is Always the Best (and Only) Place to Be!
27 Convince Yourself That You Can Beat the Market Without Knowing Anything about It
28 Carve It in Stone: “Average” Returns in the Stock Market Aren’t Good Enough for You!
29 Don’t Waste Your Time with a Broker Who Works for a Well-Known Firm—Go with That Nimble Little Fellow Who Sent You Spam on the Internet
30 Act Fast! Those Stock Tips You Heard about in the Locker Room Have Real Value
31 Don’t Be Satisfied to Just Buy and Hold—Rapid Trading Is the Key to Wealth
32 Invest in Penny Stocks
33 To Make Real Money, Go on Margin!
34 Believe in “Black Box” Trading Methods Pitched to You by Some Wizard in a Fancy Suit
35 Put All Your Eggs in One Basket—’Cause Only Sissies Diversify
36 Ignore Investment Fees and Expenses—They’re Just Nickels and Dimes
37 Buy and Read Newsletters about Investing, and Do Exactly What They Say
38 Make Sure You Never Hold Your Financial Adviser or Broker Accountable—You Want Him to Be Your Friend
39 If Your Investment Program Isn’t Producing Good Results, Keep Doing the Same
40 If Taking Charge of Your Financial Life Seems Overwhelming Now, Just Put It Off for a Few More Years
41 Start a Business with Inadequate Capital—in a Difficult Field and in a Difficult Location—and Expect to Prosper
42 Don’t Worry about Buying Stocks When There’s a Bubble Going On—You’ll Always Know When to Sell Out Just Before the Bubble Bursts
43 If Getting Your Finances Together Seems Too Difficult at Any Given Time, Turn Everything Over to a Financial/Business Manager Who Will Have Total Control Over Your Money
44 Believe That You Can Get Rich Quick—That You Can Get Something for Nothing
45 Know Without a Doubt That You Don’t Have to Work Hard—You Only Need to Find an Angle
46 Do Does Not Need to Put Down Roots
47 Feel Confident That You Can Borrow Your Way Out of Any Problem
48 Rest Assured That Shopping Is a Perfectly Valid Form of Emotional and Physical Exercise—Whether You Need What You’re Buying or Not
49 Carefully Pore Over All Those Catalogs Late You Get in the Mail, and Order from Them Late at Night or When You’re Feeling Lonely
50 Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff—After All, $10 or $20 a Day Doesn’t Really Add Up to Much!
51 Find a Man or Woman with Really Expensive Tastes and Reckless Financial Habits—and Marry Him or Her!
52 Get Separated and Divorced Frequently
53 Don’t Keep Records
54 Gamble with Your Money
55 Don’t Bother to Provide for Your Spouse or Your Children
Afterword
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
← Prev
Back
Next →
← Prev
Back
Next →