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Index
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
CARS AND DRIVING: PART ONE
EAT A BOX OF COOKIES
SHORT TAKES
AIRLINE ANOUNCEMENTS: PART ONE
AIRLINE ANOUNCEMENTS: PART TWO
A BEDROCK-SOLID ALIBI
RICE KRISPIES
THE MORNING NEWS
FIVE UNEASY MOMENTS
THE BOVINE FECES TRILOGY
SHORT TAKES
YOUR CHILDREN ARE OVERRATED
CARS AND DRIVING: PART TWO
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO, IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO
SHORT TAKES
AIRPORT SECURITY
FEAR OF GERMS
BUT FIRST, THIS FUCKIN' MESSAGE
SHORT TAKES
INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK
PUNK BANDS I HAVE KNOWN
A CAT IS NOT A DOG
DOGS MOMENTS #1
SHORT TAKES
DOGS MOMENTS #2
SOME LIKE IT HOT
MAYBE THEY'LL ADOPT
THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION
GOT ANY MORE LEAVES IN THAT STALL?
DEATH ROW
CURRENT EVENTS
THE UNKINDEST CUT
SMILE
THE NOONTIME NEWS
THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED
SHORT TAKES
BRAVE NEW WORLD OF SCIENCE
IT'S NOT A SPORT
GOLF COURSES FOR THE HOMELESS
THE GOOD BREAD
SHORT TAKES
DYING TO STAY ALIVE
TICKET TO NOWHERE
DEATH: THE SHOW
FUNERALS
JUST FOR FUN
SHORT TAKES
ADVENTURES IN THE SUPERMARKET
WELL, AT LEAST THE PLATE WAS BLUE
FUSSY EATER
RUNNING HOT AND COLD
ICEBOX MAN
DOG MOMENTS #3
SHORT TAKES
DOG MOMENTS #4
NOT EXACTLY MARTHA STEWART
HAVE A NICE DAY
HELLO-GOODBYE
LOVE AND REGARDS
EXPRESSIONS I QUESTION
SHORT TAKES
HOW SOON IS INTERMISSION?
HAVE A GOO TIME
SHORT TAKES
PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT
CANCER IS GOOD FOR YOU
THE HUMOROUS SIDE OF RAPE
THE EVENING NEWS
DANCE CALLED BECAUSE OF RAIN
THINGS THAT ARE PISSING ME OFF
FAMILIES WORTH LOATHING
WHERE WAS I STANDING LAST TIME WE DID THIS?
LIFE'S LITTLE MOMENTS
SHORT TAKES
ORGAN DONOR PROGRAMS
ON THE BEACH: THE MOVIE
"I COULDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT"
EUPHEMISTIC BULLSHIT
BEER AND POT
HIGH ON THE PLANE
SHORT TAKES
SPORT SHOULD BE FIXED: FIRST HALF
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
FARM SYSTEM: THUGS, PERVS, NUTS, AND DRINKS
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK
NOT EVERY EJACULATION DESERVES A NAME
I'VE GOT YOUR SANCTITY OF LIFE
READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME!
NEVER HEARD OF HIM!
SHORT TAKES
SPORT SHOULD BE FIXED: SECOND HALF
DON'T BLAME THE LEADERS
ROCKETS AND PENISES IN THE PERSIAN GULF
OLD AND STINGY
SHORT TAKES
AT LEAST EAT A FUCKIN' LIMA BEAN, WILL YA?
FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE CLOCK
GOD HAS GOTTA GO
BULLETS FOR BELIEVERS
THE LATE-NIGHT NEWS
I NEVER FUCKED A 10
SHORT TAKES
SPORTS SHOULD BE FIXED: OVERTIME
SEVEN DEATH WISHES
MONOPOLY
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