When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong? · Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come by Terrell, Dana Elken -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover PRAISE for When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong? Epigraph Title Page Copyright Dedicated with love Contents Introduction

Why do relationships go so wrong? How can you make your relationships go right? The importance of change What are the secrets to relationship success? A structure to improve human behavior What drew me to Bowen theory? A personal story You need EMDR for that Who will be helped by this book Navigating this book Reversing societal regression Limits and Options Imagine

Ch. 1. Thinking Big—The Seventh Generation Principle

A story of three generations Struggling with a lifelong mystery A psychological theory to help future generations As for Carl Applying Bowen theory A theory ahead of its time Bowen theory and schizophrenia Bowen theory on a larger scale Begin with the end in mind Current signs of societal regression Reversing societal regression Societal progression EMDR therapy Integrating Bowen and EMDR The Haudenosaunee Iroquois Confederacy’s Seventh Generation principle Bowen-style breakthroughs in my family’s three-generation story Creating societal progression

Ch. 2. Using Desensitization to Wake Up Your Healthy Mind

Desensitizing anxiety and stress Reprocessing—EMDR’s advantage What does desensitization look like? The heart of EMDR How our minds heal—adaptive information processing (AIP) How Bowen desensitizes clients Why desensitize? Our senses can deceive us Example: a trip to the nursery Sensitivity can be positive or negative How EMDR therapy can help painful sensitivity Brain activity before and after desensitization Container exercise: self-help when your brain is sensitized Angie’s AIP What lies behind the AIP? The strengths gained from positive memories Angie today Ana’s happiness returns Activate your own AIP A self-help stress reduction exercise When feeling distress Maintaining positive sensitivity Secondary traumatization The politics of PTSD Corrine’s first PTSD symptom was panic More potent than drugs A milder example than PTSD How Bowen and EMDR (iBE) calm emotional reactivity Significant stress and trauma What is next?

Ch. 3. Understanding Conflict

Bowen on conflict The dimensions of conflict Sadly, conflict is a part of life The effects of extreme conflict Understanding conflict can lead to resolution Beyond personal conflict: the war between the sexes Bowen’s conflict training brought more progress Inner conflict Conflict aimed at strangers Meeting conflict with wise differing Violence increases along with appetite for conflict Nonviolent communication On the way to emotional maturity The benefits of freedom from conflict There is reason for hope

Ch. 4. Choosing Understanding and Empathy

Emotionally-mature responses Responses to conflict Responses to differences Relationship building Dealing with a critical spouse What if my feelings are hurt? Limited license to disagree and criticize Chief Joe Medicine Crow—courage and compassion From getting to understanding

Ch. 5. Understanding Distance

Distance or cutoff Immigrants Natives After getting a new name, what came next? Distance affects us in many more ways The phenomenon of breaking up Breakups are always painful Forgiveness Death, the distance we can’t avoid Funerals or memorial services

Ch. 6. Choosing Connection and Patience

Emotionally-mature relationships Repair skills A new meaning for well-connected The value of connection Support system strength survey Remember your support system Overcoming distance and cutoff An old fable A real-life fable Connection Life and connection

Ch. 7. Understanding Triangling—or Bringing in a Third

Variations of triangling Triangling examples Understanding triangles and their effects A complicated triangle and its effect on a vulnerable child How can the focus be positive? Eye witness account: The high price to the child of positive child focus Identifying normal focus versus too much positive focus Negative child focus Triangling and schizophrenia A deeper look at gossip Retroactively repairing the damage of false gossip Questions inspired by the concept of triangling

Ch. 8. Choosing Direct, Personal, Committed Relationships

The complexity of triangles Reversing the triangling move Averting gossip in a mature way What happens to triangles over time Gaining a neutral perspective Changing others by changing yourself Showing up and being vulnerable How to be safer from affairs When there is a lack of trust A benefit of commitment Triangle challenges Keeping helpful child focus appropriate Wise triangling may be useful Sexual harassment Workplace abuse Creativity, humor, and triangles Thinking strategically about triangles

Ch. 9. Understanding One Up/One Down Reciprocity

About the phrase one up/one down What is overfunctioning/underfunctioning? Reciprocal behaviors Codependence may be more familiar than reciprocity Codependency in a broader sense Which way is up (from one up/one down) Risks of reciprocity What to do if you are one up or one down Reason for optimism Reciprocity travels through a family, with consequences Analysis

Ch. 10. Choosing Balance and Equality

The emotionally-mature response Creating equality Taking responsibility for self The benefit of reducing expectations of others Changing and letting go of one up/one down roles Resolving reciprocity when it appears Ways to approach your request for equality When a caregiver asks for help Other ways to prevent caregiver burnout Learning and unlearning one up/one down Being conscious as a care receiver Social patterns of one up/one down Balance and equality are possible for all people Shining examples of balance and equality Balance is dynamic

Ch. 11. Creating “I” Positions

Definition of the “I” position How to develop your “I” positions How to be comfortable with the “I” position Allow others to have their own response How “I” positions help parents—and their children “I” positions can be called boundaries Risks, costs, and opportunities of the “I” position “I” positions of Nelson Mandela The need for mature leadership has never been greater

Epilogue: Your Transformed Relationships and Beyond

What this means for you What this means on a broader basis

Appendix 1: How iBE Therapy was Developed

Appendix 2: Pop Quiz Key Appendix 3: The Golden Rule Bibliography Acknowledgments About the Author About the Publisher