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Index
COVER PAGE
TITLE PAGE
CONTENTS
FOREWORD
INTRODUCTION
A BRIEF PARODY OF A TALK SHOW THAT FALLS APART ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH
THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
THE BRIEFING: A PLAY IN ONE ACT
ON THE IMPLAUSIBILITY OF THE DEATH STAR’S TRASH COMPACTOR
PREVIEW OF SUMMER CAMPS
COMMENTS WRITTEN ON EVALUATIONS OF MY SPEECH ON NEEDLE-EXCHANGE PROGRAMS
THE NEWEST FROM JOKELAND
EXCERPTS FROM MY SPEECH ON FOREST-FIRE PREVENTION
AS A PORN MOVIE TITLER, I MAY LACK PROMISE
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TWO MOONS AGO (THE REVENGE)
WORDS THAT WOULD MAKE NICE NAMES FOR BABIES, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THEIR UNSUITABLE MEANINGS
REVIEWS OF MY DAYDREAMS
INSOMNIACS! I BRING WORDS OF HOPE AND WISDOM
THE TEN WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME, AS REVIEWED BY EZRA POUND OVER ITALIAN RADIO
GROUP MOBILIZATION AS A DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP
FIRE: THE NEXT SHARP STICK?
NOT VERY SCARY MOVIES
CANDLE PARTY
IT’S NOT ACTUALLY A SMALL WORLD
UNUSED AUDIO COMMENTARY BY HOWARD ZINN AND NOAM CHOMSKY, RECORDED SUMMER 2002, FOR THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING DVD (PLATINUM SERIES EXTENDED EDITION), PART ONE
CANCELED REGIONAL MORNING TV SHOWS
A LETTER FROM EZRA POUND TO BILLY WILDER, 1963
JOURNAL OF A NEW COBRA RECRUIT
A LOGIC PUZZLE AND HANGOVER CURE
SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE CELEBRITIES
TIPS FROM JOKES AND HOW TO TELL THEM, PUBLISHED IN 1963
HOW IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I WAS SHOT TWICE IN THE STOMACH
NO JUSTICE, NO FOUL
ACTUAL ACADEMIC JOURNALS WHICH COULD BE BROADWAY SHOWS IF THEY HAD EXCLAMATION POINTS ADDED!
MY BEARD, REVIEWED
THE NAME GAME
CIRCUMSTANCES UNDER WHICH I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH SOME OF MY FELLOW JURORS
THE BET
THE DANCE LESSON
ATTACK OF THE FABULONS!
PIRATE RIDDLES FOR SOPHISTICATES
A SHORT FICTIONAL PASSAGE ENTITLED “DRIFT NETS,” IN WHICH SEVERAL ENTERPRISING CHARACTERS TROLL THE HIGH SEAS, EXPLORING ABANDONED TRADE VESSELS FOR “PIRATED” GOODS, AND LEARN TO COPE WITH DISTINCT PERSONALITIES IN A CLOSE-KNIT, HIGH-STRESS ENVIRONMENT
INEFFECTIVE LINES DELETED FROM FINAL REVISIONS OF VIOLENT BOX-OFFICE HITS
A GRACELAND FOR ADOLF
TRINITY
POP QUIZ
BAD NAMES FOR PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS
EVIDENTLY, IT WAS LIVE THEN
UPCOMING TITLES FROM GAVIN MENZIES, AUTHOR OF 1421: THE YEAR THE CHINESE DISCOVERED AMERICA
GOOD WESTERNS, NOT PORN
NORSE LEGENDS REFERENCE PAGES
GOOFUS, GALLANT, RASHOMON
NOT-GOOD TITLES FOR ROMANTIC FILMS
BLACK, GRAY, GREEN, RED, BLUE: A LETTER FROM A FAMOUS PAINTER ON THE MOON
LISTS
ALTERNATE TITLES PROPOSED FOR THIS BOOK
ENDNOTES
CONTRIBUTORS
ALSO FROM MCSWEENEY’S
COPYRIGHT PAGE
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