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Index
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Part I: On the House
1. “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!”
2. Stone Love: Granite’s Not Just for Tombstones Anymore
3. Possum Chokes on Packing Peanuts: Gross Film at Eleven
4. Shocked Smart? Nope, But I’m Plenty Grounded
5. Mulch Ado About Nothing
6. Install Your Dishwasher? “Ottydidit”
7. Stainless Is a Steal Thanks to Cutiepie Salesman
8. Screw the Tsunamis; I Got a Kitchen to Pay For
9. Taxing Matters (IRS Means I’m Really Stressed)
Part II: Just Kid-ding
10. Harry Potter Bitch-slaps Nancy Drew
11. Rugby-Playing Lesbians Torpedo Beach Day
12. Britney’s To-Do List: Pick Okra, Cover That Thang Up
13. (School) Uniformly Opposed to Everything
14. Slacker Moms Don’t Have a Ghost of a Chance
15. Nature Deficit Disorder Is Naturally Upsetting
16. Make Your Own Damn Pancakes
17. Christmas at the “Urgent” Care
18. How to Avoid Mortuary Science Camp
Part III: It’s Raining Men (Must Be Why My Joints Ache)
19. Dancing with the Doofuses
20. Gay Men Love Me
21. Penguins, Sir Paul, Rednecks: Unlucky in Love
22. Don’t Bug Me, I’m Reading The Little Red Hen
23. Brownies and Men: They Both Have Nuts on ’Em
Part IV: (I’m So Totally) Random Thoughts
24. Latest Technology’s All Geek to Me
25. It’s No “Secret”: How TV Guide Ruined My Life
26. French Women Suck at Competitive Eating
27. No, Really; Why Can’t We Spay Tori Spelling?
28. Kissin’ Up to the Insurance Company
29. Now That’s Just Rude, Y’all
30. Epilogue: A Queen at Last….
Also by Celia Rivenbark
Acknowledgments
Copyright
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