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Imperial Library
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Index
Title Page
Copyright Page
Table of Contents
Part One
Chapter One: Where We Stand on Operation Laxation
Chapter Two: Mrs. Weasley’s Howlers Cower Before Tessa’s Verbal Bitch Slaps
Chapter Three: Alcohol Manages to Turn Me into Charlie Sheen on Fleek
Chapter Four: They Respect My Privacy Like McDonald’s Respects Arteries
Chapter Five: I’m Shivering Like Cousin It at the Sight of a Hairdresser
Chapter Six: You Attract More Women Than Victoria’s Secret on Black Friday
Chapter Seven: I’m as Stable as Nana Stone after Three Shots of Tequila
Chapter Eight: I’m Going to Volunteer Quicker than Kanye Can Tweet and Delete
Chapter Nine: Like a Zit, He Waits for the Worst Time to Pop up
Chapter Ten: Is That a Euphemism?
Chapter Eleven: If Denial Was an Academy Award, I’d Be Meryl Streep
Chapter Twelve: Turning Bad Breakups into a Savings Account for Dummies
Chapter Thirteen: Smoldering and Sexy, the Double S’s of Doom
Chapter Fourteen: You Don’t Win Wars with Morning Breath
Chapter Fifteen: I Feel Like I’m the Kevin to Your Nick and Joe Jonas
Chapter Sixteen: I Look Like a Perverse Polly Pocket
Chapter Seventeen: The Place Has Been Hit with Hurricane Colessa
Chapter Eighteen: They’ll Do Just About Anything If You Feed Them Enough
Chapter Nineteen: Nana Stone’s Already X-raying My Stomach
Part Two
Chapter One: My Goal for The Year; to Not End up in a Body Bag
Chapter Two: A Tween Would Find It Easier to Resist Velour Tracksuit Bottoms
Chapter Three: You’re an Ovary Whisperer
Chapter Four: Do You Own a Suspiciously Oversized Trench Coat?
Chapter Five: Desperate Times Call for Maxing Out Your Dad’s Credit Card
Chapter Six: I’ll Time Our Liaison for High Impact and Zero Public Indecency
Chapter Seven: My Confidence Shrivels up Like a Prune
Chapter Eight: The Guy’s Still Got the Perceptiveness of Roadkill
Chapter Nine: Nothing Screams Platonic Like Being Able to Discuss Facial Hair
Chapter Ten: You Can’t Live with Them, Can’t Order a Mob Hit on Them Either
Chapter Eleven: Let a Higher Power Take the Wheel and Drive My Car off a Cliff
Chapter Twelve: I’d Sooner Decline the Dessert Menu Than Fight with Cole
Chapter Thirteen: I Think It’s Time to Call Off That DNA Test
Chapter Fourteen: A Valley Girl Stores Kale Like a Camel Stores Water
Chapter Fifteen: I’m as Subtle as the Front Cover of a Romance Novel
Chapter Sixteen: You’ve Got the Tenacity of a Chihuahua
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